Need Advice Please Help !!!

Because you're co-dependent. There is a book that helped me with this, called Beyond Co-dependency, look it up, you might get some good info from it.

You should try reading the book A New Earth and The Power of Now. It will change you life and put everything into perspective.

S.,

How long have you lived together? There is obviously an attachment to him that makes it difficult to seperate yourself from him, your 7 yr old son. Have you sat down and spoken to him about his relationship with the other woman? Is he willing to work things out and stay devoted to you? Communication is the big thing here...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Nothing is wrong with you!

A little about me...

I was married to my children's father for 24 years, and I learned that he had been cheating on me for several years with many women. I guess I knew this all along, but stayed and put up with everything for the sake of our children, we have three, who are now 27, 23 and 21. By the time our children were 12, 16 and 18, our marriage had no respect in it. The children remember hearing us fight and argue many times, things being broken. I finally stepped away from the marriage. It was not a healthy one any more. I blamed myself for the shattered marriage, I kept asking myself the same thing you ask yourself now, but there was nothing wrong with me. I kept the house clean, I paid the bills, I took care of the childen, cooked, did laundry, etc... everything that any man would hope his wife would hold up in the marriage. He had the issues, not I. But the marriage got so bad, that it pushed me away finally. And he didn't want to stop the womanizing after asking him to go to counseling so that we could keep our family together.

I stepped in to another marriage that left me a shell of a woman. The second husband was very controlling, and in his own words now; assenine. I use to cook, clean, have his robe for him in the mornings along with his coffe and breakfast, and after a long day at work, I'd come home and cook and clean and do laundry. My thoughts have always been that, as a wife, you serve and respect your husband to no extent, but in the same sense, the husband should serve and respect his wife to the same extent as well. It's a give and take relationship. I realize you are not married, but you have a child together.

I'm far from perfect, I've learned that, and in saying that, I have learned that only God is perfect. The following website was an eye opener for me...

http://victoryas-friendship-poem-archives.com/FLOWER/THEA...

I hit this place in my life after my second husband kept threatening me with divorce everytime, "I" didn't change the things he voiced needed changing. Really, I found out through many tears, lonely nights, anxiety attacks and panic attacks, that I was a good woman, mother, daughter and person. This was created to help me though my rough moments.

http://afaithbiggerthanfear.blogspot.com/

I now have a man in my life, that has all the qualities that of my father's, May he rest in peace. Very loving, very supportive and very trusting, patient, and a good father to his beautiful two children. Listen to the song, "Bless This Broken Road". I am a very independant woman now, and I can only thank God for where I am in my life. My kids are very proud of me and where I am in thier lives too.

Don't sell yourself short, put everything in God's hands and ask Him for guidance.

My prayers are with you and the children! Keep me posted.

S.

I feel like I need to remind you that you are a daughter of Heavenly Father and he loves you so much. You have an unbelievable amount of worth, but I don’t think you realize that fact. As women, we sell ourselves short so much sometimes because we have struggles. However, don’t think that because this one man doesn’t see your value that you don’t have it. If you are committed to him it will be tough to make a change, but I suggest that you start by talking to him and finding out if he’s committed to you and your sons. Look for actions, not just words to determine if he truly his committed to you. Does he do things for you just to make you help or does he expect you to serve him? Is he respectful to you in public and in private? Has he acknowledged his affair and said and acted like he was sorry? Then decide if you can trust him and completely forgive him for his affair. If the answer is no, then pray, pray, and pray some more for the strengthen to move on with your life. It will be hard, but you are worth the effort. Good luck to you and your family.

Dear S.,
How my heart goes out to you. I know it's difficult. I too, am a single mom of 3 boys and attend school full time, but glory to God, he gives me all the grace I need for each day. May I ask what your going to school for?

As far as your situation, it is hard to walk away. It sounds like you have known him for a long time. Is he wanting to work things out with you and if so, have the both of you talked about the other baby involved? I believe one of the reason you cannot walk away is the fear of rejection and plus, you still have feelings for him. I think the key for you right now is to start working on you. It is a one day at a time situation. You will know when you have had enough. I mean this with true sincerity. I am not going to tell you to walk away, but encourage you to get a good support system, such as your family,friends, church, mammasource, etc... One morning you will wake up and know what you know and you will be ready to make some decision for you and your children. It's hard right now because I am sure so much is going through your head, but when the storms calm down, you will see things in a much clearer way. In the meantime, you should be very proud of yourself for raising your children, going to school and having goals. Way to go!

I suggested a book awhile back for one of the moms. It's called:

"I'll Have What She's Having: The Ultimate Compliment for any Woman Daring to Change Her World"

http://www2.hillsong.com/brianbobbie/default.asp?pid=656 This is her Website


I pray Proverb 31:25 on you: "She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh & smile at the days to come. " Blessings your way and know that He is God and CAN do all things for your good! Be Encouraged!

S.,

I agree. Don't be so hard on yourself. But I do think that you need to remember who you are. It seems like there is a part of you that is dependent on him to make you feel good about yourself. You need to love yourself. And ask yourself this: What advice would you give your children or best friend, if this were their situation? Sometimes, (too often) we allow ourselves to experience things that we wouldn't want others to experience.

I don't know if you are a religious person, but you are a daughter of God, divine in nature and special. We all are. When you know who you are, inside and out, you will find your joy and peace. Let Him comfort you and be the one to hold you. Just close your eyes, as you pray, and picture yourself in His arms. (I always cry; so, you might want to have some tissues ready. lol) Seriously, though, just remember that you are not alone.

I am so sorry that your heart is broken. I know the feeling, as I'm sure so many or all of us do. I'll say a prayer for you, dear. I hope you are feeling better soon and that you can lean on your Father in Heaven, because it's hard to stand when you are feeling so low. **hug** Take care, dear.

Leave him, see a lawyer, get child support this will hit him hard in the wallet. But do not see him again he is not worth it. If he will do this he has done it before. He needs to grow up and be on his own with out your help. Let his family know why and be sure that they keep in contact with your child he will need that family connection, and you will need their support with your decision. Your child will miss his father for awhile but do not bad mouth his father with him around. This is a adult decision. Somewhere out there is a wonderful man that will love you and your child and that is worth waiting for. And remember that you are loved by many people.Good luck and God Bless you and your child.

Time for some tough love - you gotta put on the big girl panties and make some decisions about you, your children and what you need to do to have a secure and happy future. You obviously have been with this person for awhile so you should know WHO he is therefore you will know if talking to him about the situation is even worth it. The ultimatum "marriage or else" may not be the answer because if the guy is a true schmuck, then you have a biggger set of problems down the road, i.e. divorce and perhaps more children.

If you make the decision to split with this guy, do not do things on a handshake - he has already proven that he has trust issues. What I mean is that you will need legal representation and guidance in order to secure legal support rulings for your children. No matter what, he is the father and has a financial responsibility. I can recommend Michelle Folger - http://www.michellefolger.com/index.html
She is local, reasonable and really cares about her clients.

Cry, pray, draw pictures - do whatever you need to do to get the emotions out in the open. Do not keep them pent inside. By cleasing your system you are able to think more clearly and stay focused on the true issues. Keeping your turmoil inside will turn you into an emotional furball.. You cannot afford to breakdown when dealing with this person otherwise he will continue to play you like a puppet. There are books available for both you and the children that deal with this issue and can help you understand that the heavy emaotions are normal.

Finally, you need to accept the fact that you are a STRONG WOMAN. You do not need this guy to support you, etc. You may want him but you don't need him. Realize the difference. Pick yourself up, hold your head high, walk tall, be proud of who you are. Do it for your kids and most importantly - do it for yourself.

A little about me - I was in an emotionally/mentally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationship for 9 years that produced 3 children. I had to learn the hard way how strong I truly was because I realized that my ex-husband's behaviour was a detriment to not only me but to my children as well. So I took action - it was a long hard road and sometimes I did not think that I could make it. My belief in God and my faith in myself kept me strong. I have no regrets. I made the right choice.

My heart goes out to you....Good Luck.

I bet your kids are already effected. Your losing out on good times with your kids, your missing out by being consumed by someone who seems to not care about you or respect you. Move on, you will look back one day and be so glad you did. You cant avoid the pain and you have to have some crappy days, thats the way it is. But for your kids you need to show them how strong you are and give them lots of love and attention. I bet when you consume yourself with their needs you will realize life is better without the stress he is creating for you. Let him be a dad to your kids, thats all he needs to be in your life. Quit doing things for him, and start doing things for you and your kids. Whatever your doing for him is for the wrong reasons. Its okay to cry at night. But be there for your kids during the day.

Hi S.,
There is a book that I like a lot called "Woman Who Love Too Much". It is a great book and it helped me a lot in the past.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Your man is doing that already.
You are stronger than you know.
W.

I read the other responses first before i decided to write. They were all written by women who are either in or have been in your situation. I have not been there because i refused to be.

I dont mean to sound harsh - but First of all - you do not deserve this!!!!! I believe in forgiveness for a man's brief stray - but a year long affair which results in a baby is not a mere transgression, it is a total lack of committment to the relationship between the two of you. Make immediate plans now to get out of the relationship - it will only do you and your children further harm.

Secondly - several responses from others talk about faith and belief in God - which I do. And because i do - I accept it and adhere to the bible principals of not living with a man before marriage. I believe the bible stresses this - not because sex is bad - but because a relationship between a man and a woman should be special and cherished. Even tho marriage does not guarantee a faithful partner, without it - it is so easy to wind up in a relationship such as this where there is no real comittmment from one or both parties.

I know it wil be difficult - but ask your family and friends for emotional support so you can break away and start a new life for yourself. and then in the future - do not settle for this. You and your children deserve and are worthy of much better.

L.
About me: working mom and married 31 years with 2 kids

What is your definition of love? Does his definition match yours? Clearly his definition includes being able to cheat on, lie to, and possibly infect with STDs the persons he loves. His actions toward you should be all the reason you need to ditch him & collect child support. Keeping him in your life only supports his belief that you continue deserving to be treated the way that he treats you now. Plus his being around will show your boys to treat women the same way their father figure does.(Think the Kennedys) If you keep him in your life you are in for the same heartache you already allow in your life. Ditch the loser make room for a real man.Love & respect yourself!

I suggest you get some counceling. You know that you are worth so much more than this guy is letting on. You also know you want to leave him but your torn. I was divorced after a three year marriage and it was hard. Divorce, or in your case seperation, is like loosing someone but no one has died. you still have to morn the death of the relationship. hope that made since. Good luck and you can do this. If not only for you but for your chrilden.

The only thing that is wrong with you is that u don't know how to say no to this man ! Lots of men cheat ! And they are weak . They aren't real men . Be his friend , but if things don't change , the connection stops there . Yes , you have a child together . Talk to him about the baby and things that are about that child , and let him go . Just as there are mean that cheat , there are plenty of great strong mean that don't .Life is toooooo short to stay unhappy , God bless u , and I hope I have helped , G.

S.---find your own self worth--then go get you a man worthy of YOU. Start by praying for God to bring you one and then wait.. hard--I know especially when we are a tad co-dependent. God knows exactly who we need and why, after all he created us. Back up a take a good look at your life--. A man will get by with only what he is allowed to do--RESPECT yourself.

God bless you

Dear S.,

Please think of your children first. I have made mistakes of the heart before and I know when you are in love or think it is love you become blind and even if you get good advise from others it just does not matter because as women we want to fix things or we have hope that this man will sooner or later fall on his knees and beg for forgiveness. That is a fantasy. When a man cheats he has already checked out of the relationship. In your case - you have a son who needs to look up to you and in the future all he will remember is that you did not respect yourself and that you did not stand up to his cheating father. I remember reading a book a long time ago that is called " Women who love too much." These were all tragic stories of women who fell into a web of lies and were disapointed in their choices. You need break it off with this man now and focus on your son. There are men out there who do respect the vow of a relationship. I also lived with my husband 7 years before getting married and I'll never forget what he said - I am with you because I want to , not because I have to.You can do it!

Good luck and just do it,
O.

You know alot of these women are right. You have done nothing wrong. Your boyfriend had the wondering eyes and now has another baby. You are going to have to get your self together for the long haul no matter what path you choose. You honestly need to sit down with him and talk to him. If you love him so much you need to find out if he is wanting to fix the relationship or if he want to stay with the other woman. What about the child, your going to need to ask about it and if you to are getting back together can you handle it? This is one of the hardest things that can make or break you.
If you feel that leaving him is the best thing you can do then leave and cry all you need. (my sister after divorcing her husband cried for what seemed like 6months) Crying helps keep stress down. Also you dont have to keep the crying from your son all you do is just tell him you are sad and thats how you express it.

Dont be so hard on yourself...Just because someone hurts you doesnt mean that your feelings stop for them immediately. I'm sure you still care about him. I dont know how long ago you found all this out, but only you know how long it will take for you to heal. Since you have a son together you will have to deal with each other (if he is involved), which means you cant make a complete separation from each other...I'm sure that makes it hard. For you and your son you need to be healthy. You need to be a strong role model for him! Dont talk badly about his dad to him (as i'm sure you dont). I know how it is easy to obsess over someone/something. Find something to replace that or otherwise that tendency will still be there....or redirect yourself whenever you start thinking about him....just know that you are better off without him....HE NEEDS MORE HELP THAN YOU CAN GIVE HIM!!! just focus on your kids...(ha, if only it were that easy!) Please contact me if you need to talk...

Hi S.,

Right now you need to turn to God. If you don't belong to a church start visiting them or ask friends and family for a place. Try attending a Women's retreat, this will help in your healing. Just like with any addiction, you are going to need to go through the 12 steps. There is nothing wrong with this. This makes you normal. You are a pretty impressive women to be going to school and raising two children. You can do anything you put your mind too but sometimes we all need help. Turn to God. Find hope in a church, let it be your crutch when you need help. Remember, when you are a new member to a church you need to look into ways to meet people sometimes be the first to introduce yourself. But most importanly remember that God is there and during these tough times he is with you. Good luck and I am sorry for your pain. I feel even more sorry for your boyfriend as he will never find true happiness. But you will, if you stay true to yourself and follow the goals you have set for yourself. God is good!

S.,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have been going through a similar thing. (You can read my "requests".) It is an awful thing to be betrayed and it is hard on those of us who continue to help these people who do this to us! The best advice that I can give you is to do what you feel is best with every situation that comes up regarding this. You will go through many phases of moods during this journey and none of them are easy. I so feel for you and your pain ~ I wish I could give you a hug.
You are the only one who feels how you feel about him and this situation, so you are the only one who can decide how to act. I got myself into counseling through my church and it really helped me to talk to a Christian about all of this.
I am sure you feel as if you're living in a nightmare that won't stop. It does change though and only God knows what is best for you and your children.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers ~ I realize that I was of no help, but I did want you to feel as if you weren't alone because you're not! Many of us are going through this kind of thing and I hope that the responses you receive from your note on here shows you how many people really do care.
God bless and feel free to write back if you ever need a shoulder.
D.

Hi, I don't know if you believe in the power of pray, but I do get on your knees and pray to god that he releases you from this emotional strain. I want to tell you that since you have children with him you are tied together for life. However you aren't married and need to experience life. God didn't intend for us to be used and abused by some man. He has a lack of respect for you and if you continue this routine your boys are eventually going to pick up on this and exert that same behavior that they see this young man doing.
Declare today that you have cried your last tear even if that means crying right now and ask god to be released. You will do just fine. Just imagine if you had given this man 20 years of your life and three grown children (step mother to two others)and your forty-four and you have to start over. My mother made it and it wasn't easy believe me this is no longer about him but about you and your children. Establish a healthy relationship for the sake of the child with him but if he feels the grass is greener on the other side, let him graze! It is no cake walk and it isn't going to happen over night trust me it took my mother 4 years and I'm the oldest so you know i saw and heard everything. To make a long story short my father had an adulterous affair after 20 years which resulted in a child who is now three(my father is 43). I mean he married a 24 year old who is younger than us (5 of us but including new child 6)So Im telling you this to say this you like my mother has to decide that enough is enough life is too short and has to much to offer to allow someone to think they control your emotions. May you be blessed and find comfort in your responses. My mother's healing process took 4 years and she is still struggling with it but she is released from that emotional strain.

I hope I wasn't to brash, and I hope you find your answer.

be blessed. begin to pray and line yourself up with god remember he forgives

Dear Sandy
I am so sorry to hear this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your reaction. You are hurt beyond belief as you have been deeply betrayed and are in dreadful shock. All blame goes to your partner.
It is terrible when something like this happens. Rejection is very hard to take and so is betrayal.
I can only suggest that you visit the following website for assistance:
http://www.drirene.com
I will pray for you.
Jewel

S.,

I have read the other responses and they are all right I'm 26 yrs. old with a 6 yrs. old son and another on the way by the same man I have been going back n forth with for 8 yrs. I was the same way you are with him always helping him whenever he needed. He has another child by another woman also who is now 2 yrs. old so as you can see I still stuck it out with him. It took for me to get pregnant this second time to see what I should have seen all along if my blinders was not on that he don't deserve me. I started praying to God joined a chruch and took my life back because I refuse for my sons to think that is the way to treat women. I did a lot of crying during the 8 yrs. thinking I was not good enough and always making excuses for him but I turned to God and had to realize he was the one that is not good enough. Now I don't cry at all and I feel sorry for him because he don't have God in his life. trust me that man is going to get what is coming to him. I'm not mad at him and I stil love him as the father of my children but I'm done. You will get through this trust me. You are not to blame and God will take care of you and your children. I will be praying for you and if you ever want to chat just send me a message.

HI Sandy,,,,
oh honey men just suck dear there s no niceway to say it ,,,,the sooner you ride yourself of his baggage the lighther your load will be i PRomise i know you think it's not that easy ,,,,well yes it is have your phone number changed or have him blocked right him a letter tell him exactly how you feel about his sorry butt cheating on you ,after everthing you have DONE for him and to get the %$#@ out of your live and stay out. you will feel better .then go down to dept .of human resoure's and file for TANF and MEDICADE and food stamps for your kids give tthem all the omformation you have on him and befor long he will be paying you to raise ya'lls kids as it should be and you dont have to see his sorry excuse of a man again
i'm not a man basser but a cheater is a cheater always
good luck be strong L.