Need Advice on How to Comfortably Get Things Going Again

Wine, candles, and I jumped him - even though I didn't much feel like it. Baby was about 10 weeks old. Things were slow going, but we kept up the mental and verbal (read dirty IM'S)until the physical was well established again.

Hello M.,

it's going to take tima and effort. Years ago I got a set of tapes of 'light his fire' and 'light her fire' by Ellen Kreidman. We enjoyed it a lot. I see there is one in amazon.com. Here is the link

http://www.amazon.com/Light-Program-Women-Hopelessly-Pass...

they also have the book. I like the tapes better because I could listen while doing other things.
~C~

M.,
Sex is awkward after having a baby and it does take a while to get back into that rhythm again. I had 3 children and I found that it took about 12 weeks after birth before I felt comfortable. Babies take a lot out of you, even more so if you're nursing. At around 12 weeks, the babies tend to sleep a little better and that "mommy fog" starts to lift from the brain. Once you get to that point, be prepared for some soreness and dryness. Just have the lubricant on hand and take things very slowly. Also, be aware that your husband is probably waiting for you to take the lead here. He doesn't know how you feel and often what he sees is you exhausted and maybe sometimes frustrated from caring for the baby. Plan the seduction from the time you wake up. Don't tell him, "let's have sex tonight", just give him an intimate kiss when he leaves home for work. That will get him thinking that things are different. It will also increase his anticipation. When he comes home from work, greet him at the door and give him another kiss (even if you're holding the baby). Try to have dinner and the baby down to sleep at a reasonable hour, before either of you are too tired to take it any further. Once the baby is asleep, find him and give him a much more intimate kiss. It will definitely get things going from there. And remember, even if you don't feel totally "into" it, once you get things going you'll want to follow through. Don't forget protection! The last thing you want to worry about when re-connecting is getting pregnant. And yes, it is possible to get pregnant while still nursing.

Don't try to hard with the seduction. Don't worry about all the "romantic" stuff like candles, dim lighting, sexy underwear and what not. Babies are funny, when you go through all that trouble and pre-planning, they'll stay up all night or start running a fever or some other crazy thing. You'll just end up frustrated that things aren't going according to plan, just keep it simple.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a good book called, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It's been out since '04 so you can probably find a used copy at 1/2 Price Books or check it out from the library. This was extremely helpful for me after I had my 2nd child to remind me to not get so caught up in being a Mom, that you neglect your husband's needs.

Good luck!

K. C.

M.,
Please call me I can help you.

I was VERY sexually active with my partner until I became pregnant. During my pregnancy I did not have ANY desire to have sex. It was a hormonal and psychological reason as to why. My child is 10 months now, and our sex life has just begun to perk up. I think it our hormones, being tired from the baby and trying to get back into the game again. So yes , it is a bit awkward at first when you try. But once you get things going , you are going to think to yourself what took you so long. Your husband may also feel that he understands you being tired, and may be scared to try and make love to you and get rejected. Show him a little love and he will respond. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I replied to your post long ago, but I was entering it from my phone (Palm Centro) when I did something silly and lost everything I so eloquently worded (yea, right). I could never phrase it all as I originally did that Saturday or Sunday morning, but just want to boil down three thoughts/ideas when your body is through healing:

1) There are some great books to help keep your mind set straight on the importance of marital love, etc. - for starters.... SHEET MUSIC by Dr. Kevin Leman
There's a ton more...

2) http://themarriagebed.com/
http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/
http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/viewforum.php?f=70 (this one is specific to 'Pregnancy & Postpartum' http://www.themarriagebed.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=3108... (Post titled: Effects of Refusal on Daily Life)

3) Convicting thought from another member on the board who says, "SW, who is challenged by this statement: Your husband's sex life with you is the only legitimate one he has; what are YOU doing to make it the best it can be?

(Almost forgot to mention - coconut oil is SUPER & better than any other store-bought lubricant, but might not be good to use with a condom, IF that's your method of birth control.)

Best wishes to you.

Hi M.,

I completely understand. Between problems with the pregnancy and just no desire, I was in the same situation and it was almost one year before my husband and I started relations again after the last time it happened.

Our daughter is almost 8 months old now and I would say she was probably 5 months old before we started our bedroom life back up again. And even then, it doesn't happen very often, but now when it does we try and make it special and make the most of it.

I find that now, I enjoy it so much more when I initiate it as this way I can make sure I'm not exhausted and ready for bed and I it's much more enjoyable. Last night, it only took me about 5 minutes, but I curled my hair realy quick, put on a cute nightie, lit some candles and then called my husband in the bedroom. Didn't put a whole lot of thought into it, but it was very romantic and exactly what we needed.

It might take some time, but it will come back. Also, just as a suggestion, if you are breastfeeding you may want to have some lubrication on hand as the hormones from breastfeeding tend to keep things a little drier than normal.

It took a while for us also but it finally came just wait it out dont push it.I know it is hard but it will come.I also had some issues with my new body i dont know if that is an issues for u but that will get better to.Good luck

I'm sad to say....it takes work! Work! Intimacy shouldn't be hard work, but kids change everything. Being a new mom changes everything.

I have six little ones in the house, and when I hit the pillow (which usually doesn't happen till well after 12 midnight) I'm fast a sleep. I have to make a conscience effort and say to myself through out the day...tonight's the night. And make sure it happens.

The number one thing to help you get in the mood is to just flirt through out the day. In the morning before work, an email or phone call during the day that says I love you or thinking about you. A pat on the butt, anything that will help you connect emotionally will help with the intimacy later on that evening.

Best of Luck!

I was so scared to start again because of the large amount of tearing that I did with the birth of my daughter. First, you need to make sure you are comfortable with sex first. If you're not, it won't be nice for either of you. Get plenty of rest so that you both can last--if you haven't done it in a while, I'm sure hubby won't want to stop to early! Hubby and I got right back into things at 6 weeks exactly! He was acting like he was going to die soon if something didn't happen, LOL! So we took it very slow, used lots of lubrication, and went with it. It was great--nothing scary at all! This time, I had a c-section with my twins and it took a little longer to do things again but nothing scary this time since there was no tearing. But when you feel up to it, take it slow and make each other feel special--don't rush it! Good luck!

my advise is to first take a moment to evaluate what turns you on--and what turns your husband on---find somone you trust to keep the baby for the night and plan a romantic night together--unplug the phone make sure you tell everyone you are not to be disturbed--picture this--take the living room have indoor picnic-fruit tray, meat tray--wine or what your choice of drink lay out a blanket--put on the sexy lingerie--soft music--maybe a full body massage--using warm baby oil--take time to talk about your fantasies and try some of things you have always been curious about!!! if you try it be sure and let us know if it worked--good luck p.s. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!!!!!!!!!

I know you feel bad for your husband, but don't rush yourself - your body has been through a LOT, and your hormones are still in an uproar. I had an episiotomy, when I had my baby, and the first time afterwards was like losing my virginity again! We were both nervous, and it was a little uncomfortable. We had to take it slowly, and it was not great for me. But it did get better. Being tired doesn't make things easier, that is true, but try to make some time for each other, and maybe work up to it - like it's your very first time again.

The one thing that everyone has forgotten to suggest is a Babysitter, ask grandma and grandpa to take your precious one and have some time alone even if it is just for and hour or two. Time alone TOGETHER will definitely get the the mood going. Even if it doesn't happen then later that night when the little one goes to bed the mood can follow from earlier that evening....
Good Luck
:)

a little wine to loosen inhibitions helps as well as lubrication and conversation. good luck!

I remember it was a little hard to get things going again. But I have always heard and believed that the longer that don't do it, the easier it is going to become to say no or not have the desire to. I think your body has to be reminded of how it feels so that it will keep wanting more. Just start small, maybe try a glass of wine to make you relax. Just keep the lines of communication open between you and your husband. I remember that it hurt at first and it was not nice, but as we kept on it got better. Now with a 3 year old, we have the best sex life ever! So don't worry...it will all come back.

Give yourself a little more time to get adjusted to a baby in your life. You have been just 2 for a long time. When you feel
up to a date night(without baby) or maybe a nice candle light dinner (without baby)Try a new cologne and a sexy nightie.
Always remember you were a wife first and do not let baby
take all your heart and time. One day and that time seems a long way off now there will be 2 again.
From a Mom of 8 and a grandma of 17

My second baby is now 6 years old and I have to admit, I think all my hormones were used up or just went into hiding! How did we get things going again and keep them going? A few things, usually he starts things up; he suggests a short nap and I know what that means! Sometimes I just snuggle up to him and start things going. No, I'm not in the mood, and yes, I'm tired; but some things are more important than that - besides I usually have a great time too when all is said and done! Another thing, go to Amazon there's a book called The French Maid and other stories, it has scenerios if you like to role play. It's not dirty or anything, but very female friendly. Perhaps leaving all your responsiblities behind and becoming someone else will help with the hormones! Good luck! This is too important to your marriage to neglect.

Don't worry. Many women I have spoken to (including myself) didn't feel like their bodies were healed until eight weeks after giving birth. Just ease back into sex slowly and gently. I would highly recommend reading this fabulous book to help you get the spark going again. Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus. It helped me immensely! I think every woman should receive this book as a wedding gift (or a baby shower gift)!

First...romance yourself! YOU have to get yourself back into the swing and find your sexy....he will follow suit!
Candlelit bubble baths, and yes...actually shave! lol
Get up and get dressed, fully...nicely...everyday! Do your nails. Feel good about you..

M.,
You have to make time.
Take the baby to a sitter or Grandparents house for a few hours or even a night.
Plan on a romantic dinner with candles and wine.
Put on some romantic music.
You need to reconnect with your husband.
Its all about the baby right now, and you have to take
some time out for you and your husband to feel important too.
Then you will feel that emotional bond with your Husband again.
It does take a while for your hormones to get back in order after the birth of a baby, but you have to have a plan, and that means planning a romantic few hours or even a night to get back into
sinc with one another.
Then your family will be in harmony.
Vicky

I don't know that you ever really get it back again, because kids are so tiring. But, fear not, the first 2 to 6 months are quite an adjustment. As your body heals and the baby gets into more of a routine, things will come together again. Occasionally, you might have to push yourself into the mood to get things going. But just remember it's worth it and helps with the insanity. Have fun!
C.

if your health issue is over than just take it slow he seems like a very understanding guy. If I were you I would get someone to watch the baby the whole day I know that will be hard but this gives you time to relax and than maybe while he is at work you can plan a romatic evening for the both of you.

I know my husband loves for me to surprise him when he comes home from work, and its not all about sex its just being with each other, than the other will take its course

Don't feel alone. My husband and I had to work hard before our son came along, and I think it was at least 3 months after he was born that we even started getting back into the groove of things. I think that one thing that finally helped me is realizing what was keeping me out of the mood. I realized having the baby feeding, spitting up on me, and just being in my arms all day gave me a ick factor for my husband. Not only did I feel kind of grose from the feeding and spitting up, but I had gotten most of my affection out with my son. Once I realized that this is what I was doing My husband and I agreed that when he came home from work he would take the baby for a little while so that I could refresh and feel myself again. Then we would do things like cuddle. We also made sure that we were kissing more often with nothing else expected from it. I don't know about your husband, but mine started just kissing me on the forehead like I was a child, and when I did kiss him on the lips he started to think that this ment sex when all I was wanting was a passionate kiss. Once we started doing things like this again with no expectations things in the bedroom started to get back to normal and actually better than they were before. Sometimes we fall back into the old habbits, but when we do we start doing those little things more frequently again and it comes back.

Schedule it. I know it does not sound romantic, but worked. After having triplets, the last thing I wanted was sex. A therapist told me to just pick a night a week and just plan it until it started to feel natural again. It worked like charm. I am happy to report it did not take that long.