Since my daughter came along 2 years ago my son began his girl identification. He is 5 1/2 now. Since he was a small child he has always been different than many boys or girls for that matter. He is hypersensitive, easily gets his feelings hurt and very bright. At the age of 2 he already knew his ABC's and numbers. Now he prefers watching spider (his passion) documentaries. He watches cartoons but hates any violence. He seems to get upset at it and worries about whomever could get hurt. He hates hurting others and when he does (always accidentally) he becomes very upset and states that he is a very bad boy and gives himself time out. He follows all the rules out of fear of getting reprimanded. He is all about fairness and social justness. Has excellent memory and is a very gifted at drawing. He really has no friends only his same age male cousin. He seems to withdraw when too many boys, they are just too rough. He does not gravitate toward girls as I thought he would, just ends up hunting for spiders by himself.
The concern my husband and I have is his strong girl identification. He knows he is a boy and is happy about that, but always chooses to be girl characters in fantasy play. He loves to pretend to be a girl but not everyday. He loves to wear a princess dress we bought for him. He does not seem to be into the makeup, hair or accessories, just the dress. He constantly draws princesses. He seems to always want to know what is female and what is not and will always choose the female version of it. He does not gravitate to girl toys too much, we did buy him some barbies, but the interest lasted a very short while. Right now it is super mario princess peach. He says he loves her because the dress is pink.
We are just confused. It is hard on us since he seems not to play very well with others. The boys are all about rough housing and the girls (don't know why he does not have more girl friends) he does not really approach. I worry as he gets older will not have any real friends. He is not coordinated and so sports have not been of interest to him. I have done extensive research so am fearful in all the different directions this could go. We know he could very well be transgender but he does not fit the whole description. We love our son and want his happiness. We want to accept all of who he is, it is just challenging when you know how much he could potentially suffer . Thanks of any advice.
Thank you all for your responses! They were all helpful and enlightening. To those that suggested I need counseling, you might be correct. I was raised in a pretty negative environment with a hypercritical mother that found everything I did wrong. I do not know why I have worried so much over this, except to say that conforming was big growing up. Thank you for reminding me of what is important. I will, from now on, just love my kid. He certainly does not need any of my hangups! 2kidmama....I especially thank you. That your son is confident and happy is so reassuring!
My son(the only boy out of 5 kids) liked playing dress up too. We went to the goodwill and got him old Halloween costumes(boy type) and made him his own chest of dress up clothes. He loved it for about 6 months when he came out of that phase.
He's five. If he wants to pretend to be a princess, let him. He may or may not be transgender. One need not fit ALL of the characteristics of transgender people to be trans. He may not be trans at all, just eccentric.
The important part, you've already got going on. He knows that you love him as is, you want him to be happy, and you're not trying to make him into something he isn't.
He will be fine. Please don't make the decision now that he isn't good at sports. This will improve. It might not be football or basketball but karate or soccer or something else. You are doing great. Don't make him self conscious.
When my son was 5, he liked to wear a superman costume. He's not superman. Sometimes he'd pretend to be an airplane. He didn't become one of those either. My daughter liked to wear a giraffe costume. She's not a giraffe. Your son is developing empathy for women, which is a wonderful sensitivity for a man to have. If he turns out to be LGBT, there is not one thing you can do to prevent it, and every effort you make will simply make him doubt himself and foster an otherwise unnecessary identity crisis. He is who he is. Stop trying to prevent that. He will not suffer from being LGBT. He will suffer from those who don't accept that he is LGBT and try to change him.
He sounds EXACTLY like my son at age 5. Loved to wear dresses. Loved to be a princess. Loved to pretend to be the girl characters in movies/cartoons. Identified with girls. Best friend was a girl. Was wary of boys...especially the rough and tumble boys. Hated any kind of rough all boy movie - he was way too sensitive for it. Also, he was very smart and advanced academically than his peers (and still is a smart guy). Anyway, my husband and I are very open and accepting and it did not bother us at all, so we never did worry about it. Once my son started school he just slowly changed. He stopped wanting to wear girl dress up clothes. It took him longer to stop wanting to be the girl character in pretend games. He is 10 now and he will tell me, don't tell anyone mom, but I still think Hello Kitty is cute! He's still very sensitive about things. Just this last year (9/10) is the first time he has started enjoying movies and this summer he watched and enjoyed his first superhero movie (the avengers). He loved it! He's a sensitive kid who is into the skatepark, skiing, gymnastics, computer programing, computer games, making movies, and reading. He really dislikes team sports. He really dislikes those little boys that are all alpha and in your face about things. But he can hold his own with them and is confident. He gets huge crushes on girls and likes to play with boys and girls. All his best friends now are boys and he has plenty of friends. So my advice is don't worry. You will love your son no matter what his sexual orientation. He will find his way with your acceptance. But keep in mind that he may just be a sensitive boy like my son who will slowly catch up to the other boys.
How does he do with other kids one-on-one? I think it's pretty normal for an introverted child not to want to be around a lot of other kids at once. Do you have any friends with kids this age, or any neighbors? If so, try inviting them over to play. Maybe in a more familiar environment your son will have an easier time connecting with other kids one at a time. If possible, have a few activities up your sleeve that they could do together, in case they have a hard time warming up to each other. If it makes you feel any better, my youngest daughter has ADHD and has always had a hard time dealing with big groups of kids. It's just too much for her. Yet when she has just one friend over to play at our house, things go great. So... it's a thought.
Other than that, I really wouldn't worry about your son being sensitive, kind, and aware of the feelings of others. That's a good thing! As far as wearing dresses, why shouldn't he want to? Let's face it, girl clothes are a lot more interesting than boy clothes. Brighter colors, shinier, more glittery... what's not to love? I'll never forget when my macho-man cousin had his first son. Same age as my oldest daughter. Well, Mr. Macho liked to brag about how his son would grow up and play football, etc. One Christmas, all the kids were playing together at my mom's house. My mom only has granddaughters, so the play room is full of girl dress-up clothes. In the middle of the festivities, Mr. Macho's son (then 5 years old) comes out dressed in full princess regalia, including jewelry, makeup, and a tiara, and announced to the whole family, "I'M A PRINCESS!" It was very cute, and everyone thought it was adorable (actually, even including Mr. Macho). This child is now the most popular kid in middle school. He gets along great with girls, has plenty of friends who are boys as well, and yes, plays football, which thrills his dad. He still has no problem playing dress-up with his little sister. :) I guess what I'm saying is, I wouldn't worry too much about the dresses. He is who he is. Just accept him and try to avoid labeling him. He will change throughout his life in many ways, and as long as he knows you love and accept him, he will be fine.
You are clearly uncomfortable with something your son is doing when there is nothing to be uncomfortable about.
I have no idea why you are overly concerned with your son's 'gender identification' and overall 'manliness' (from your past questions). Perhaps you should consider therapy for yourself (no malice intended, just stating my opinion).
Let him play. Most likely it will work itself out.
But certain of his characteristics are indicative of Aspergers. Show this post to your ped. and get his opinion.
Also try to get some counseling for you both. You seem to be pretty negative about your son's future and that could hurt him more than a bit of dress up.
You sound like great parents. Yes, it is challenging to know your child is different. But your acceptance will go a long way.
Ultimately we are all "different" in one way or another, so you don't need to worry about sticking a label on him just yet, or maybe ever. He will be who he will be. Don't be fearful, it won't be terrible, even if he's transgender. The world is rapidly changing to a place of acceptance, happily.
You might want to look for a charter school or a small school that caters more to "different" kids. But he's young yet, so don't worry too much.
At his age, kids play better one on one than in a group. Especially if it's not an even numbered group, because someone always gets left out.
Just love him and let him play. He has a little sister so he's into girl stuff because everyone got all excited about a girl and all the girly stuff. It's natural. I have a friend whose little boy likes playing with my little pony and dress up because his sister does. Just don't make a big deal about it and it wont be.
Your son sounds like an absolutely brilliant, sensitive, wonderful little person. He's someone who should be cherished. And because he's sensitive, it's really important that you send him a strong message of love and acceptance. As long as he's loved for being who he is, this little boy will thrive and will do wonderful things in this world. That's all you have to do, mama.
Veruca Salt said it perfectly, so I don't need to add much. Just read her post again! But I do want to pass along the words I said to someone (my SIL's best friend), whose little boy is going through a dress-wearing phase right now.
Accept it. If he turns out to be gay, or to have an unconventional gender identity, you'll be loving and accepting him for who he is. If he turns out to be straight, and this is just a short-term phase, you'll be teaching him to respect women. There are wonderful lifelong benefits wrapped up in that pretty pink dress.
I've got two boys (and one adult daughter). I can tell you that my daughter LOVED to try and wear her dad's uniforms... and then loved to be a princess... my boys (now 12 and 14) loved to dress in my clothes as well as their dad's.
What your son is doing is NORMAL!!
You need to get him into SMALL social groups so he can learn to socialize more with children his own age.
Stop worrying about things like this - it's NORMAL. Don't read more into this. Just let him be. Give him unconditional love.
Why do you assume at the age of 5 that he is suffering an identity crisis? He sounds like a normal 5 year old that likes to play dress up. Just let him play. Stop trying to introduce "girly" things just because he shows a preference for not being a rough house boy. most boy outfits in the olden days had long flowing capes and or coats. he may just like the feel. I would just let him play. accepting all of who he is does not mean making yourself adjust to what a grown up may or may not choose. let him just be himself. if he wants to hunt spiders let him do it. if he wants to play princess let him do that as well. and just encourage him to play. he will find a group.
I have no experience or advice to offer you, except that like all parents you just want the happiest life for your child. This website may help:
https://www.genderspectrum.org/about/faq
Growing up I always just had 1 very close friend, so as long as he has one other child he can play with and have fun with, I think he will be fine. Both my kids are very introverted and have few friends, but the ones they have are truly good friends. Now I would describe myself as extroverted and can talk to anyone and enjoy groups and all my acquaintances at work but still consider only very few my "close" friends.
I think I read somewhere about high school kids that as long as they can connect with 1 friend they are perceived as just fine. You do not need a ton of friends.
It sounds to me that you are doing everything you can to provide him with the interests he expresses. I would try to stop worrying, and just love and enjoy him,
I was the girl who dressed like a boy, but loved my long hair. LOATHED dresses. Played with the boys. Found girls petty and full of useless drama. My mom kept trying to push me into dresses, etc. In HS, I could do any sport better than the boys. My dad actually said, "Maybe you could wear a little make-up." I had plenty of boyfriends AND boy friends. I never fit into a box and I still don't. I'm more of a loner and prefer it that way. I feel bad because plenty of women have tried to friend me, but not really interested after speaking to people all day at work. I'm not the slightest bit gay or any interest in being transgender. I love my female body and love men more than imaginable and never had a lacking of boyfriends and male attention.
I've been married for 13 years, have 4 children we homeschool and I run a small corporation. Our lives are perfect. I never have felt the need to get my nails done weekly, gossip with the girls or fit into any box. I taught my very masculine husband to shoot guns. My make-up regimen is mascara and lip gloss.
Your son is exactly who he is and you are right to be looking forward, but don't worry what category he fits in, because he probably won't. He sounds ALL boy and likes dresses. Great. I hated Barbies and dolls. He does too! Sounds like a great kid to have. Let him lead you and just keep reinforcing how perfect he is, despite the judgments of others. I have a self esteem that can't be damaged by the opinions of others. It's one of my best characteristics, if I do say so myself!
If he was in child care he'd be playing with this sort of stuff all day and you wouldn't know it. This is normal for kids to do. Usually it's a bit younger in child care because we start Pretend Play area's in the 2 year old classroom. So he'd have this out of his system by now.
Since he didn't get to do this younger he's going through it now. My oldest grandson went through it around age 8. His dad hit the roof, I didn't think anything about it. It's very normal for kids to investigate wearing different colors and fabrics, to try on different styles.
In my child care center we had picture frames, no glass of course, attached to the walls and each one had different fabrics/textures in it. One had burlap, one had satin, another had felt, I think all together I had corduroy, velvet, artificial turf that was really soft, and some others, I just can't remember all the different varieties.
Kids need to feel textures. They need to be exposed to all sorts of things. Once they get through that stage of development they move forward to the next one.
Don't worry about it. If you focus on it he'll cling on to it even more. Even if it seems he's not doing it he'll hid and do it anyway. There are stages kids need to go through or they don't progress.
When my granddaughter was in after school care at the age of 8 or 9 they put on a talent show. There was one boy in a group of 3 girls who sang. The girls brought dresses to wear for the performance. They brought one for the boy which he wore. No one made a negative comment or made fun of him. The audience was ages 5-11 As well as a few parents.
you sounds like a great mom. totally understandable you worrying and wondering. my opinion is that he is exploring, finding out what he likes and what he doesn't like, which then will change within a year or a few months, and he will find new interests.
Don't worry, he will work most of this out on his own as he grows up and just love love love him, no matter who he is.My own sons tended to do similar things and sort of shook it off as they got older.
When I was growing up parents were beginning to encourage the feminine side of young men and my brother was given dolls.Despite the fact that he has lots of sisters he shares these days equal opportunity in both of his sides with his wife and son.
And many,many a great writer,singer, and poet went on to share their own equally sensitive sides.
Wow. I'm so impressed with your So what happened response. You seem like a very open-minded mom who is eager to see issues from all sides.
My son is 6. His sister is 8. When my daughter WAS into princesses, my son always wore princess dresses, shoes, etc. His favorite was Tinkerbell. Isn't that funny? I used to paint his toenails for him (clear sparkle in the summer). We just now got rid of the pink dollhouse she handed down to him (mainly because of space issues). He owns 3 dolls, one of which is female with long golden curls and a pinafore. He plays dolls with my daughter often.
However... He is now (after kindergarten and intro. to other boys and a little influence from us) also a budding soccer star, a star wars fanatic, super hero fanatic, and unfortunatefly thanks to the neighbor boy interested in pro wrestlers. He also is as rough and tumble as they come. He no longer dresses up and doesn't ask to have his toenails painted anymore. My husband is a retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant and none of this bothered him in the least.
The only influence from us was buying him a soccer ball and a light saber, and letting him watch the first Star Wars movie. And my husband has light saber duals with him.
By the way, my daughter is now into soccer, star wars, super heroes, and rough and tumble as well!
He just wanted to (and still wants to) play with his sister. And now, she wants to play what he is playing.
I have a lot of experience w children. I'm not even going to address the gender issue that part is beyond my scope. But the other issues the hypefocusing,early reading, lack of all social skills. Those warrant a talk with his pediatrician. You can continue to guess and worry or u can actually look at finding out what would help him to grow and function in the real world that w live in.
There may be nothing wrong.or there maybe things u can do to help him. If he needed glasses u would get them for him wouldn't u? If he diabetic u would get him insulin. Why wouldn't u help him w mental health issues?
I'm just gonna throw some stuff out there, not in any particular order:
Maybe enroll him in a dance or gymnastics class to help with his coordination and body awareness and control.
Having a boy myself, I've noticed that there are so few strong male (boy, in particular) characters in TV shows and movies directed toward toddlers. I guess women fought so hard to create strong girl characters that they chased all the boys away. I don't like that all my son sees in heroic positions are princesses, so when TV is the thing, I secretly like when he opts for non-human characters. They seem to be more balanced.
I try not to be too inflexible with boy things versus girl things. I commend you and your husband for allowing your son to explore what he enjoys. I don't think that I would buy my son a dress or a Barbie doll. I might let him fashion a dress from something else or play with someone else's doll. I think that at a certain age, when we assign certain thngs specifically to girls and boys, then the child concludes that he must identify with the assigned sex, and for some, that brings confusion. For example, a boy might say, "Only girls cook, and I like to cook, so I must be a girl." I've seen cases where boys grow up confused and ashamed because they aren't necessarily sexually attracted to other boys, but girls thought that they were too soft and sensitive and other boys didn't want to associate with them for the same reasons. And the only people who were accepting were other "soft and sensitive" boys. It kind of forces them into a category already defined by others, especially if they don't have strong and supportive parenting in their backgrounds.
It's definitely a fine line that we walk as parents--guiding but not pushing--and I love your efforts. I think that if you can talk it out with a therapist (and other trusted mommies) that might ease some of your discomfort and help you not to parent from a place of fear for his future. I also think that he will greatly benefit from an environment where he can feel secure to be exactly who he is--whoever that might be--and discuss things openly.
Good luck to you. I don't know how I would handle having these specific thoughts about my son. I mean, I know the textbook response, and I try to let my heart for my son lead me, but I don't know if or how my heart would process this experience. So far, I think that you are doing a great job. Oh, and keep in mind that being "different" really is okay. We women like having men who can be sensitive to our needs, right? His sensitivity will surely allow him to be more selective in his associations and to be a good citizen. He'll be who he is no matter what. You can season and shape that person with strength and confidence. At five years old, there's still time for him to figure out what it all means.
It's perfectly natural for 5 year old boys not to be glued to any other kids yet. My oldest (girl) is 8, and even she doesn't have super duper close friends yet. She just likes whoever is around or whoever she sees most in activities and stuff. Boys or girls. I hear 2nd and 3rd grade are where girls start really bonding with certain friends, and boys even later if ever. The fact that he plays independently is fine. It's also fine that he's not sporty and rough-only some kids are. My son is also very sensitive to people getting hurt in any way. As for all the gender stuff....this is such a new trend to scrutinize that to death. My son (6) will dress up in his sister's play dresses sometimes, or grab their dolls and join them...I haven't bought him his own Barbies or dress or anything? Seems odd you would "fear" he may be way too feminine but yet you're buying him his own personal girl stuff...his own dress? I say step back and let nature be your guide. I see nothing alarming here. Maybe when he's older he'll be gay or not. Same goes for any kid. No point being worried or looking for signs when he's way too young for that. By around 8 you may start to notice if he's "attracted" to other boys and repelled by girls...but that would be the earliest I think..
Let him be himself...
I hung out with boys, cut my hair short, played the drums (on drumline high school and college), like bugs and snakes, etc...but at the end of the day I was and still am attracted to boys and married one.
If my parents had freaked out then things might have been different. But they let me discover my passions and enjoy what I enjoyed.
Your son will be fine...love him (I know you do) and allow him to just be...he will be fine, dresses and all.
I had a boy cousin who wore dresses and full make-up well into his tweens and turns out is not gay or transgender...he just got married to a lovely girl and she loves his feminine side.
Big hugs to you!!
I wouldn't worry about it. Just let him do what he likes to do. Maybe he sees your daughter getting attention when she wears pretty, frilly dresses so he wants to like the same so he can get attention too.
He's only 5. My older son preferred to play alone at that age as well. He also shied away from the more rambunctious boys. I worried a lot that he'd never have friends. Now he is an outgoing 3rd grader with a good group of friends.
As for sports, you can enroll him in non team sports like karate, tennis, swimming. Many schools offer after school activities like scouts, chess club or art classes. If the school doesn't offer it, you might find one through your park district.
Best wishes!
