Need Advice on How to Raise My Gender Non Conforming Son.

Look for a PFLAG support group. Other parents have been through this, and can help you. Good luck.

Oh my, so as a "gender non-conforming" girl growing up I can assure you I am not gay, not trans, just happy to be a woman who thinks more like men do than women. I am also so freaking glad I am not growing up right now. I just cannot imagine what I would have been put through, how messed up I would be today, had my parents pondered my sexuality my entire childhood!

Don't make him feel bad about his choices, don't encourage one choice over another, love him and he will be fine however he turns out.

Do you need to teach your child or teach yourself? I mean, unless your son is unhappy or struggling why can't you just go with the flow?
My BFF's son is ten years old and loves to sing and dance. He performs in musicals. He loves to dress up in girl clothes, heels, wigs and he wears makeup and nail polish. His hair is down to his shoulders (not the norm for boys here.) He LOVES Rupaul's Drag Race. He tones it down for school but he has friends and is well liked. He also plays soccer.
My BFF and husband don't really worry about it because he is so happy and they are very supportive. He may or may not be gay and they don't care either way as long as he's happy.
I think you are putting the cart before the horse, you have no idea who your son will grow into. The BEST thing you can do is show him nothing but love and support, don't let your worrying about things that may never happen get in the way of that.

I have a gay son. You teach him that he's perfect just the way he is by telling him so. You don't have to overdo it. Just be natural about it, the way you would with any child.

I don't know about Farmerville, but in the area we live in, which is close to San Francisco, there is little anti-gay sentiment. My son had no problems being gay at his high school, nor at college. He really has experienced nothing negative.

Although I struggled a little when I found out he was gay, because I mourned the more traditional future (wife, kids, etc.) I had envisioned, at this point I could not care less that he is gay, and I wouldn't change him if I could. You really do get to a place of complete acceptance.

When your son knows you support him and that you believe that he's perfect the way he is, he should be able to weather most challenges. PM me if you wish.

As Julie says, he may turn out to be straight, but it doesn't hurt to consider the possibility, as you have. It will be fine either way.

Perhaps you read my post in which I said my granddaughter says she is transgender? I've done a lot of thinking about gender roles.

My post may not be helpful because I'm talking about gender roles in our world. I also talk about ways that your son is normal.

I read your previous posts again. I see nothing in them to consider he is gay. He is an individual who is interested in things you consider to be feminine. In today's world, male and female roles are fluid. You say he's interested in bugs. Why does that concern you? I suggest that both sexes are free to become professional entomologists. Also, in my experience, boys are interested in spiders. Girls scream when they see them. Drawing them only indicates he has an interest in art. Most of the great artists are men.

I became a police officer wearing the same uniform that men wore and having similar responsibilities. I grew up with 3 brothers and did think already in a similar way to men. As a recruit, I was taught in the same way men were taught. I still am asked how I could be a cop when I'm obviously feminine. I was different than male police officers on the 70s and 80s. I added a sensitivity and concern that was beginning to take hold in the up to then a macho field. By the time I retired, many male officers were more sensitive and caring than the older officers.

Roles are changing. Many more men are staying home to care for kids while the wives work. I agree that male and female brains are different. As a police officer, I saw differences in the way some men appear to process life differently than most women. I also saw that many differences were learned because of the ways society define male and female roles.

Not all boys are interested in superheros. My 5 yo granddaughter has loved superheroes from the time she was a preschooler. Her birthday party last year, when she was 4, had a Teenage Mutant Turtles theme. As many girls attended as boys did. Her Mom invited the kids with whom she played.

At 5 and in Kindergarten, she still plays as much with boys as she does with girls. Her first new friend this year is a boy. My transgender granddaughter has both male and female friends, some of which are straight. I got to know them this summer. They are who they are bease of their interests. I suggest some rough and tumble teen girls find more in common with boys than girls, yet they still consider themselves girls. The same goes for sensitive boys. They are boys and hang with other boys who are more like them. The same for all of us. Most of our friends are those with whom we have common interests. While in police work, I had several male friends with whom I didn't share sexual attraction. We were/are people and not just male and female.

When one of my grandaughters who was in first grade and in after school care liked a boy, probably 6 or 7, liked to wear this one dress. Everybody including him laughed about it..the group consisted of kids from 5 to 11 in age. No one teased him. When they made up a skit in which they performed, the boy played the part of a girl and a girl played the part of a boy. Consider that Shakespeare actors were all male.

Just in the last few years, people have better accepted different sexual identities. LGBT people have become somewhat comfortable in coming out as being LGBT.

Also consider that being bisexual, bi, continues to be more acceptible. Bi people still identify as the sex with which they were born. I think it's possible for me to be bi, if it had been acceptable when I was a young adult.

Sexuality is starting to be defined in a different way than it has been in the past. It's difficult to understand especially for those who have been taught that certain sexual activity is a sin. I suggest that eventually we will accept the different ways to be sexual.

I grew up in a time when it was not acceptable to dress in the same way the opposite sex dressed. Look, now at all the girls wearing pants and t-shirts. Even when some men dress as as women, they are accepted. Very much less so than women dressing as men.

I suggest the most obvious reason your son wants to wear dresses.is that he's trying out roles. Young kids play dress up in many different roles. Some girls want to be a pirate. Some boys want to be a princess. That does not mean they want to be that sex forever.

What has been the focus of your counseling? Perhaps it would help for you to learn how kids act at various stages so that you can accept your son as a typical sensitive kid. I urge you to let go of your anxiety over the possibility that he's gay. He is just as likely to not be gay. Whether or not he's gay, he is OK. He doesn't act the way you consider boys should act. Accept that being sensitive, not liking sports and superheroes, wanting to wear dresses, being interested in nature and having interest in arts does not make him a girl inside or gay. He sounds like a normal boy to me.

I just go with the flow with my transgender child. I cannot changer her/him. I can only love him. I also cannot protect him from life's pain. I still hope this is a phase and it may be or may not be.

What I hearing you say.is that you fear he'll be gay based on the way he acts, his interests and his sensitivity. Every description you wrote describes a normal and happy boy. I wonder why you can't accept him as a normal, happy boy. You raise him as a normal happy boy. Stop looking for signs he may be gay. That is part of loving him as he is. At his age, sexuality hasn't entered his life.

Perhaps consulting with a developmental pediatrician would help.

I wonder if you were raised with macho men who wanted their boys to be the boys who are tough, play sports, not be interested in science or art. I'm guessing you heard over and over that boys should be men. Their definition of men. I suggest your assumptions are based on how you were taught.

well, good for you for fighting back your ingrained prejudices and accepting your little boy for who he is, wherever that ends up falling on the gender spectrum.

he won't be accepted by all his peers, now or when he gets older. some of it will be for being non-gender-conforming (or whatever the Word Police come up with to describe it- it seems to change weekly.) my boys, who are straight and were in a general sense pretty popular and happy in their various school and homeschool groups, still got picked on here and there, and it hurt. so don't focus on him getting gender-shamed. help him deal with teasing and exclusion whatever the source.

if you're calm and accepting about his gender, and don't zero in on that as a reason for whatever lack of acceptance he encounters, he'll ride along with it too.

don't wish away your child's childhood. i promise you, the next 15 years are going to disappear in a heartbeat and you'll want them back. taking this attitude will focus you inappropriately on every single thing he does and says only through the 'non gender conforming' lens and prevent him from becoming a whole and integrated young man in your eyes.

on the other hand, i would be a little wary of tilting too far into the 'exceptional' and 'perfect' paradigm. my SIL was quite sure that her daughter, who had anorexia, was thus afflicted because she was really so perfect, so brilliant, so elevated above all other children and humans in general, and needed to be reminded every minute of how exceptional, beautiful, intelligent, kind, brilliant and talented she was and i don't think it was exactly helpful.

maybe try to accept him as the 'typical' boy you want him to be (and he is) and just let the gender situation evolve naturally without worrying at it. i'm sure your son is many, many things in addition to being non-gender-conforming. some of them may not be exceptional and perfect. but spend some time with those aspects of him, and love them all.

when your insecurities and fears raise their heads, acknowledge them as having a just basis, and then let them go and bake some cupcakes with your little boy. you don't have to suppress your worries, but you don't have to create your entire parenting platform to accommodate them either.

enjoy your little boy.
khairete
S.

L.,

First stop projecting and dissecting your son. Let him be who he is. You are fretting over things that you cannot change. Let him be.

STOP with the thoughts of your son being gay. There is NOTHING wrong with a boy that has a feminine side. It does NOT mean he's gay. You say you're okay with him being gay - but then you fret over it. STOP.

I played with GI Joe's growing up.
I climbed trees.
I played in the dirt.
I did all the things my big brother did.
I played sports.
I had SHORT hair - like a pixie - so I wouldn't have to deal with it.
I can get (still) to walk out the door in 15 minutes - showered, dressed, etc.

I'm NOT gay. I'm NOT closeted. I'm NOT anything but me. I'm married. I have 3 kids.

STOP. Please STOP. Just tell your son you love him unconditionally and DO NOT tell him - I'll love you if you're gay. Why? Because you don't know he is - plenty of boys play with girl things. My 16 year old son played with Barbie's and GI Joe's. He's a all boy - not gay.

You are wanting to change YOU. Fine. Change you. Stop trying to change your son or project YOUR feelings on to him.

First off I think it sounds like you're doing everything right so far. You're trying and it's hard. I agree with those that said just keep telling him all the things you love about him and teach him that it's okay to like what he likes. Also, teach him some phrases he might use to stand up for himself if kids at school say something about the choices he makes. That will help. I truly think that if he knows you're behind him and supportive he will be okay.

I'd also like to say that pretty much everything you wrote sounds like a normal parent with any of their children, concerns or no concerns. I don't know if you have other children too but honestly, we all worry about if our kids will be accepted, if they will avoid bullying or avoid being a bully, be nice, fit in, etc. etc. I am very in-tuned to gender bias and I think both of my kids sort of ride the line in terms of their likes and interests fitting in with society's idea of what they should like based on gender. I have had concerns over whether or not my kids will be teased (mostly my son because people accept girls playing with "boy" toys more) over the things they like, but it sounds like maybe your concerns are a little deeper.

Finally I want to add that I think some below are being a little too hard on you. Your son is 8, it's not like he's a preschooler or kindergartener where it is much more common for kids to slip and slide through different "traditional" gender roles. I'm not saying he's gay for sure, but my goodness, I think as a mother we have certain instincts and they are usually right. It is not wrong to prepare yourself mentally for this possibility. You won't know for a while, probably, whether or not he is, but I think as long as you encourage him and the rest of your family to be true to themselves and you accept people in all aspects of your life for who they are then he will be okay!

I would stop with the label. Don't put a label on your son and don't put a label on how you feel about your son.

Some people aren't aware of the way they compartmentalize people into a specific category. Sometimes it is to just find a way for us to understand and identify..

However, if you focus too much on the label, you miss out on just knowing them as a person.

To tell a child that you love them is enough. To tell them their is nothing wrong with them indicates to them that their was something wrong in the first place.. choose your words. Keep yourself someone they trust, and feel safe and open with. That they can be themselves.

It sounds to me that you might have more of a problem dealing with this, then your son.. with all your worries, it sends a message that they can pick up on and cause insecurities.. even when you don't mean them.

I do commend you for your honesty, and you sound very much like my own mother sounded about my brother..

All I can tell you is to show him that you love him and are here for him.. if he comes to you with his problems, if he expresses insecurities, just make an open, and safe place for him to discuss it.

They say your first reaction to something is what society has conditioned you to think, your second reaction speaks to your character. You were raised with some narrow minded biases buy you are doing your best to over come those, keep working at it.

That said, it is also important to realize that gender expression and sexual orientation are very different things, a person can be gender non-conforming and be any sexual orientation, so don't make too many assumptions and just let your son figure it out as he ages. Be there for him, support him, love him, but let him find his own way in regards to his sexuality.

My son just turned 11 today, he has been gender non-conforming since he was a toddler and first asked to get his ears pierced. His favorite color has always been pink and still is. He can be sensitive and introverted. I have never pushed him in any way to be any different, but there have been times I have felt I needed to try to protect him, and that can be a scary feeling for a mother so I completely understand. For the most part he is secure in who he is and if kids make comments about his long hair or earrings or what not he just blows them off, but we did have a situation with a sub teacher who kept calling him "missy", he not only handled himself with grace, he knew he had the support of his peers when several others in his class also called out the teacher and complained to their parents when they got home. Kids today are growing up exposed to more differences and are therefore much more accepting then the generations that came before. Things may still be hard, but honestly how many kids don't have a rough time in their teens years? Just keep being his rock and loving him with all you have, the rest will sort itself out with time.

I have a son with Asperger's, and I am "learning" how to not let other people's opinions get to me. My son is who he is, and I love the person he is - behavior problems and all.

It's not always easy, but sometimes you just have to remind yourself to focus on your child and just love him with all your heart. What's the old saying? Your friends will support you, no matter what, and the people who don't support you weren't going to, anyway. I know it's not the same thing, but my husband and I have found lots of support in our community. Other parents have encouraged us and told us what a great kid we have. We've gotten dirty looks and negative comments from people. But by and large, we've found support.

You really do have to try not to worry about it. Your son is going to be happiest if you just let him be who he is and love him for who he is.

Our son is now 14. When he was about 3, he became fascinated by make-up. He loved to do my make-up. When he was about 6, he loved to do my hair (and actually did a better job than I do.) He's always been sensitive to appearances, and he'll notice if one of his teachers is wearing a new dress or earrings. He loves to go shopping with me. I was also raised a Catholic, and while I don't believe that God makes mistakes, I feared for my son, cause I know that the world can be a cruel place.

However, what I concluded: I can give my son my support for whoever he is. When the world is cruel to him, I will support him and let him know that I love him unconditionally.

I never said: Make-up is for girls, hairdressing is for girls. In fact, I even found a male hairdresser at my salon and asked if my son could come in an observe him at work. I ask him to go shopping with me. We attend concerts together as a family (he detests sports).

And, while I'm not saying this will be your circumstance: My son proved to absolutely adore girls. He does not have traditional "boy" interests...he loves ballet, classical music, nature, cooking, the arts...oh, and he does a pretty good job on my make-up. But, we were pretty relieved when he got into an all-boys school, cause not only does he like girls, but girls seem to like him back...a lot...cause he isn't a rough and tumble "boy".

I would also add: I was a tomboy. I hated dolls, make-up and dresses. I loved studying, running around the hood with the boys, and my mother and I were constantly at odds..as she tried to make me into a girl boys would want to date and marry. I still think I'm unattractive and undesirable, though I've been happily married for over 20 years to a man who loves the fact that I love hiking, want to learn how to make furniture, and have next to no fashion sense.

I think when we react to our children we can validate or invalidate who they are. When he looks at you whatever he does, let him see your love and validation.

And, as one Catholic to another: Even the Church is changing. I absolutely adore Pope Francis who when asked about gays said: "Who am I to judge?" If the Holy Father takes that position, I think even the Church is changing.

I think there must be a support group somewhere that can better help you than anyone here can.
I have no experience, can't relate and don't have any advice.
Our son's a boy, feels he is a boy, is glad he's a boy, and so are we.
Just love your kid whoever he/she/none-of-the-above-or-both is.
Good luck.

Why does your son need to conform to anything? He is who he is.

YOU need to work on YOU and YOUR feelings, labeling, etc. and stop trying to work on him.

My second son is now 15. He has played with Barbies. He has baked cookies. He loves the color pink. He has a girlfriend. He loves soft things, the edges of blankets with silk? Loves to feel them. He's NOT gay. He is who is his!

You do what you're doing.

You tell and show your son that you love him. You let him play the way he wants to play and don't push toys and games he isn't interested in.
At five, you just let him be who he is and watch to see who that is.
You work on your own issues as they surface. You check yourself when you find the old prejudices coming to the fore.

Just love him the way he is...because however he is is perfect. My son is also non-gender conforming and has always been this way...since he was a toddler. He is 12 now and he does get crushes on girls. But he loves the color pink, my little pony, power puff girls, and other such things. He is very confident about who he is and he has many friends who like him as he is. He loves music, animating and making videos and has found many similar friends online as well. I don't know exactly what to tell you because I've never felt fear about this...but just that I think my son is cool and awesome. Maybe it would help you to be around other adults who are open minded and proud of it. This sounds severe, but in my opinion your religion has brain washed you a little and you are trying to overcome that. No offense. I applaud you for trying to overcome that way of thinking. I bet your son is one awesome guy...I hope he finds his "tribe" of good friends who are always there for him.

I don't think you're a bad mom at all. I think you are worried about what your son will face in society. And I think it's wonderful that you are so in touch with the prejudices with which you were raised, and you are honest about how those stick with us even when we know they are wrong and illogical. I think a lot of people say, "I'm not prejudiced/racist/intolerant" and that's really kind of disingenuous. We are all raised with views we may come to see as illogical and wrong, but the little nagging voice is still in our heads. There's that disconnect between the logical/intellectual and the emotional stuff we still react with. I don't wish to be prejudiced or racist, but I certainly catch myself locking my car door in a bad neighborhood or maybe being more guarded about people who look a certain way. So, smart people admit it.

That said, I think you have to let some of this go. You have to redefine things and stop labeling people even though so many around you are doing that. Stop saying, and help get others to stop saying, "typical boy activities." For example, it seems innocuous to say that trucks and football are "typical boy activities" and to refer to girls who like these things as "tomboys." Toy stores are taking a whole lot of heat for putting the "boy toys" in one area and the "girl toys" (all pink and purple) in another. So a lot of people are sick of it, just as you are. So look at it more as society's need to adapt and broaden, vs. your need to protect your son from it. My son (now an adult) is heterosexual, but I fought back against certain things when he was a kid: the intense pressure to put him in organized sports, pushback because we didn't allow video games and toy guns, and absolutely rejection of bad behavior because "boys will be boys." On two occasions, he engaged in poor behavior toward a girl, and he was called on the carpet in a very serious way (once at school, with us supporting the school instead of saying, "Oh no, it's our perfect son and boys will be boys") and once with a neighborhood girl (and he had to write an apology note and face her). To our knowledge, it never happened again.

He had Legos and trucks, yes, but he also had tons of stuffed animals that he used to cuddle with. My husband is a very affectionate dad, so our son learned about demonstrative and feeling men vs. macho men. We also did a lot of reading of books about different types of kids, different types of families, to broaden his view. So I would suggest that you put 1 book a month into your nighttime or rainy day reading with him, showing him examples of so many people who break with gender stereotypes. There are hundreds and hundreds of role models among celebrities as well as everyday heroes. Ask your children's librarian for help, and you can borrow books from other libraries in the network without driving all over creation to find them. Don't overdo this, and let your child choose his own books most of the time, but slip some others into the home repertoire. Don't just choose boys who like girls' characters, but choose those of other types of nonconformity: men who become nurses, women who become scientists, same-sex parents, interracial families, grandparents raising kids, adoptive/foster families, physical disabilities, everything. Focus on what all these people CAN do and not on who told them they couldn't. I think this is important for every child, not just ones like your son.

The point is, there's nothing wrong with the "gender nonconforming" child but with the assignment of certain traits to one gender or another. That's what all of us need to fight against with our children's upbringing.

I honestly don't see a problem. My oldest is non gender conforming. I have never questioned her sexuality. I am not sure what sexual preference has to do with activity preference. She is a very unusual girl that rarely gets on well with other girls, instead, she prefers to wrestle, etc. I just support her preferences. Just keep on doing what you are doing. Love him for him, without judgement. You just never know where they will end up.

I am a mama of three kids. Two boys and a girl. I am also the oldest sister to 4 brothers.
I was not your typical little girl. I climbed trees, ran around with other little boys, swam, surfed, boogie boarded, was a soccer goalie for years, played the baritone sax for 8 years, threw my hair in a pony, and wore my dads flannel shirts almost every day in high school. I fought in jr. high and high school, I was rough and tumble, I curse(d), I am loud, I speak my mind, and my mom hated it.
Everything about me.
I never wanted the "girlie" clothes, never wanted flowers (still don't!), never wanted pretty decorations, don't collect knick knacks...I was everything a girl is not supposed to be.According to my mother. My mom, also very catholic, did not get me. She didn't even try.
Just because I "acted like a boy" didn't mean that I was gender non-conforming, or questioning my sexuality....it was just who I was. Who I am.
Keep on plraying about being a great mother...but may I also suggest counseling? Continued counseling? Maybe even counseling for your son?
Home is supposed to be a soft place for our children to land. It sounds like you are trying to be that place. Good luck to you.

I am LDS, by choice, as an adult. I don't accept some of what they teach because I have been taught differently my whole life. Most of it's the same as any other regular church. Their proclamation to the family really concerned me and was sort of the final straw for me.

They have been very up front regarding gays and children of gays. They announced they weren't letting children of gay couples attend services because they were concerned about how confused a child could be by the church teachings against homosexuality and then they'd go home to a gay couple. So they said they felt it wouldn't be in the child's best interest. Now if a gay couple comes to church they aren't going to be turned away but who'd want to go there or send their child there if that church openly teaches against their lifestyle?

I can't imagine anyone would.

So I go but I don't accept callings and I don't pay tithes on our disability income. We can't survive on it and if we sacrificed to pay tithing we'd have to ask for help paying our bills and get help with food every month. So no, we don't pay tithes.

All that leads up to my thoughts about your catholic upbringing, small town/probably mostly catholic too, and what his life is going to be like.

I think his life will be pretty much hell. Beat up, made fun of, no one to have a crush on and hang out with or go on a date with, nothing there for him.

So please just consider that he will be happier if you would relocate to a larger town or city where he can blend in and have a life that won't be so....so....distraught. So painful. So depressing.

Having a more open place to live would help him regardless of being gay or just effeminate. Maybe he feels very feminine or wants to cross dress. There isn't anything that says he has to be one thing. He can be many things and having a place to grow up where he can be free to express himself sounds very appealing to me.