My 3 year old daughter has been saying on and off for the last 7-8 months that she is a boy or she will say I am not a girl, I am a boy. There have also been times where she says I want to be a girl. The whole thing is very confusing for me and I don’t know if I am reading into this to much, but a friend of a friend made a comment about her potentially being transgender which was something I’d never considered.
My daughter as of the last few weeks now fights wearing dresses, which I don’t force her to wear, because she said they are for girls. She always wants to wear her “boy”sweater, which is really a girls sweater but to her it must feel more masculine.
She always wants to wear her pink lipstick and paint her nails, so it’s not always consistent, either that or she doesn’t realize those are considered things for girls...
I just don’t know if I just keep going on acting like it’s nothing or if I need to go talk to someone. Has any mother’s experienced this and it turned out to be nothing?
She's just as likely to tell you next week that she is a kitten.
You are making too much of it.
Just tell her "That's nice Dear" and pay no attention to it.
It's normal. And it's a lesson for all of us about what we have decided are masculine and feminine forms of dress or body decor or toys or ways of playing. If we reevaluate pink/blue, make-up and nail polish, toys ("dolls" vs. "action figures," for example), and activities/sports (think about "throw like a girl" and what we mean by "princesses" as those needing rescue rather than future administrators of the realm), we open ourselves up to many more choices.
Just go with it. Think about what we force them to align with and decide upon, and wait it out. With openness, she'll figure it out and let you know who she is. Meantime, figure out why we all feel we need to know this stuff early on, and how it changes our parenting (and why). We really don't need to pigeon-hole children (or adults) as much as we think.
It's nothing. Honest. When they are that young, they don't understand at all what they are saying. Some girls want to be boys because they say a boy do something cool. Or they want to be a monkey because bananas are yummy and monkeys eat bananas. Or they want to be a fish because they love water and wish they could swim all day.
Just let her be a boy. Next week she'll want to be a giraffe so she can reach the top shelf. The more you just let her be, the more free she will be to explore her world and try new things and not be afraid of what other people think.
From back in the summer:
https://www.mamapedia.com/questions/15444687294707335169
https://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12172313314793422849
A lot of good answers that might help you
Yes, my son always wanted to wear dresses at age 3 and wanted to be a girl. I thought to myself, well, this might mean he is gay or transgender or it might not...either way I will support whoever he is. He was crazy about princess dresses. He had to wear this one skirt daily. He always liked only the female characters in cartoons and movies. He only wanted to be a female character or avatar when playing pretend or (as he got older) video games. I supported him in what he liked...pink, sparkly and girly stuff. He never wanted to play with boys at preschool and was not at all interested in the things they liked. His best friends were only girls. And....as he got older he grew out of it. He is 14 now and has had a girlfriend...he's definitely a sensitive boy and he is very open minded and accepting of people. He's not a masculine sporty guy type of guy. So, honestly, it could mean something or it could mean nothing. It is very common for young kids to go through a gender phase like this. I would not really think too much about it yet...she is exploring the concept of gender. Note -- my daughter did not go through something like this but she never liked dresses and princesses and dolls and barbies. She just could care less. My advice is to just let her play, let her express herself like she wants, offer no negative opinions, get her the sweaters/clothes she likes to wear and let her be who she is....her real self will emerge as she gets older. My opinion - no you don't need to go talk to someone about this.
At three years old my daughter wanted to be a unicorn. I wasn't worried that I would need to have a horn surgically transplanted onto her head. She also decided many times that boy stuff was cooler and wanted the sweater with a skull on it (it was cooler). She hated nail polish and chap-stick/lip gloss and liked her brother's converse shoes.
My son many times wanted his nails painted when I did mine or wanted to try lipstick when I put mine on.
I didn't worry I just went with the flow of being little and trying on different identities. A dog, Spiderman, Batman, a unicorn, a boy, a girl, a lizard...it was for us all fun imaginative play.
They are both now in middle school and fine with the gender assigned at the hospital and matching their genitals. If it had turned out different as puberty started and they were not happy in their gender then we would have tackled that when and if it had become something to address. But at three they are little mimics of whatever strikes their fancy of the moment.
So give her some space and time and she will let you know who she is or isn't...Big hugs Mama!!
I think you are reading way too much into it. That's pretty normal. At that age they really don't understand the difference between boys and girl. I was a major tomboy. I wore dresses but that's because my mom forced me to. Was not allowed to wear pants till I was probably 9 or 10. (it was a religious thing) But I had brothers and wanted to play with everything they did. Just go with this is what she likes at this moment to wear. And if she says she's not a girl at this point correcting her is pointless to me.
Does she have an older brother or an older male cousin? Younger siblings like to imitate their older siblings. I have a 6 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. My son asks for nail polish when he sees them on my daughter, and has asked to be put in my daughter's ballet outfit (tights and leotard). He loves trying on my daughter's clothes and shoes. I go with it. I think you should too. I think it's still too soon to determine whether she's transgender or not.
It’s fine. Ignore it. She will find something else to be contrary about later. Kids do stuff like this. It’s a way of trying to exert some control. Don’t fight about dresses. If you don’t bring them up at all, she doesn’t have that as an argument. In a year or so, so will have moved on to something else.
don't let your 3 year old make you very confused.
she's figuring out how the world works and trying on different costumes to see what feels right to her. presumably you've got a lot of what she's pondering already figured out.
she may or may not be transgender, but you don't know from what's going on right now.
at 3 i was usually a horse, although sometimes a cat or a dragon. my mother never needed to 'talk to someone' about it.
khairete
S.
I remember those days so fondly! I really do! My son wanted to be a girl, played with mostly girls, loved butterfly wings at that age...and so on. At first, like you, I panicked a little, asked for advice, and got pretty much the same advice as is given here. It's ok. Kids learn through play. This is part of it. Now my son is thousand of miles away in Japan and I'd give anything to go back in time for one day and play fairies with him. You're doing great.
