My Step Son Often Will Throw up When He Is Nervous About a Situation or Scared.

wow, i thought you were going to talk about medical procedures or tests or sports challenges. if YOU are the situation that makes him nervous and scared to the point of throwing up, i think i'd be looking for ways to ease the situation. this post sounds pretty judgy. their mother moved them 4 hours away, okay, but i'm betting she had a good reason to do it, like she needed a job, or the support of family. i doubt she did it because she wanted her child to have to get stuck traveling 10 hours every weekend.
maybe you and your husband could move closer to them.
i'm betting a 10 year old is way beyond 'starting' to be aware of the situation. he's the one who's been stuck in a car for half his weekends for as long as he can remember, going to stay with people so strict that it's making him throw up.
maybe you can duplicate just a little of his mother's 'laxness' (i assume that's what you mean) and make the young fellow feel more welcome. your imposition of rules and bedtimes is clearly not as reassuring for him as you want it to be.
if he's dreading his visits this much, i'd work on making my home a warm and welcoming place for him. he's only 10. it's not his to fix.
khairete
S.

I always think it is funny that the parent that the kids don't want to go to always claims the other parent is the fun time parent. So much easier than just admitting they are forcing the kids to live in two homes.

Kids simply hit a point where they realize they got the short end of the stick, that they are being forced to pack their stuff, their games and go to their other parent's house to placate said parent.

Stop making those poor kids suffer for your husband's choices. It isn't their fault they are divorced and kids deserve to have one home. So to be clear, he isn't scared, he isn't seeking the easy life, he just wants to stop being an object to be divided.

Well, you can't make them conform to your home for 48 hours then them go home to what's normal for them. YOU have to compromise.

Otherwise I'd stop the visits. You're making this child so stressed out he's puking. If I was his mom I'd go to court and have doctors statements saying that visits to your home are so stressful they're effecting his health and to terminate them at this time.

Sorry, you said WE HAVE RULES THEY HAVE TO FOLLOW AND ARE A LOT STRICTER.

So you said it yourself. You're making this kid sick and he doesn't want to be in your home. It doesn't sound like a fun visit for him.
**************************

ETA

A friend of mine had kids and they went back and forth to dad's house too. Step-Mom was a school teacher and a strict B****tch, capitol B. Her bedtime for the kids in their home was 8pm. No after school activities, she was tired of kids and people and wanted to go home, eat dinner, and not deal with kids. So they went to bed very early.

When they went to dad's, he had remarried and had more kids, younger than these, and they played sports, did family activities, all sorts of things.

Mom ordered them to put the kids to be by 8pm when they were visiting to keep to her routine. The dad and family said no way, no how, not going to happen. And they never did.

The kids weren't hurt by staying up late and as time went on the kids ended up going to live with dad because they got to have a life, they got to play sports, do family activities, have fun with everyone. They also has less stress and struggle.

So just because one family does something different doesn't mean that they are wrong or right. Things have to work in your home how they work.

The choice to compromise is there. And you are the one who has to compromise because what you're doing isn't working.

What a sad situation. This child did not ask for his parents to be divorced, he has been thrown into the middle. On top of that, he is in the car going to/from WAY too many hours in a weekend.

No wonder he is sick.

You try to sound like his mom is "LAX" with him...and make her out to be the "bad" parent. Maybe she loves him and gives him some space because of the situation he is in.

Maybe if you tried to communicate with him, LOVE him and understand that he is just a child and this divorce was not his fault, stop the wretched rules, then he might be able to stop getting sick when he knows he is coming to your house.

I really feel sorry for any child who is forced to live like this.

welcome to mamapedia!!

this is how some people react to stress and it appears your home is the stressor. How to fix that? Have a family meeting so that you can discuss what will work for everyone and cut down on the stress level.

Personally, that's a LOT of travel for kids that age. Can you imagine having to travel for FIVE HOURS for 24 hours of stress?? I think I'd get sick over that too.

their mom may be more lax (lacks implies she's lacking in a way, lax is more lenient) but she may have rules. Why not talk with her and find out what her rules are? It makes it MUCH less stressful when kids know the rules aren't going to change.

Are you married to their father or just the girlfriend? If you are just the girlfriend? You need to figure out your place and how you are going to work within the family unit. You sound pretty put out with his getting sick, instead of being sympathetic and understanding.

To be honest? It sounds like you are the problem and stressor to the kids. Please seek a balance, let them know they have a safe place to come to. I get rules. I get boundaries. but really - 10 hours of travel for 24 hours with their dad and you are getting strict with them?? Put yourself in their shoes. Would YOU want to come to your house?

Find out what the rules are at their mom's house. See if those rules can be blended into your house rules. That way there's NOT a lot of change for them and not a lot of stress.

Good luck!

Wow, this is so sad. Can you and this boy's dad talk about this and work on a solution to not making this little boy so stressed out? Is his dad a strict, authoritative, angry-voiced type? If so, can he work on himself to be kinder, calm, and loving? You don't give us a lot of details, so I'm just trying to imagine. My mom had a boyfriend who lived with us for 7 years who was a bully and very authoritative. He would yell. No one left the table till their dinner was eaten. He would use the wooden paddle if he thought a child was misbehaving. My brother and I were kids who ate well and tried to please, but his two young biological kids would sometimes come over for the weekend and it was really hard on them. I never saw any fun. I never saw any love or happy times together. Just a dad who was an a**hole. The kids were almost always miserable and scared of him. You know, in my opinion...you only have these kids every other weekend and I think you and their dad need to work you hardest to make it pleasant for them. Yes, I think you both should change. Their dad (you both) should be more kind and loving and work on making positive memories. He (you both) needs to let go of being so strict and not try to be in control all the time. This is too much for those kids. Why are they so stressed out and scared? You and their dad are doing something very wrong and need to work on changing yourselves so that this is a pleasant experience.

I wouldn't want kids to be scared to visit either! What a sin.

I have a little one who gets nervous and has thrown up a couple of time - first time jitters (like first time going to camp). In our case it was because she didn't know what to expect. We worked on coping mechanisms, getting her comfortable, being patient and just showing her that she could handle it. For us, it was the fear of the unknown. And a phase.

The fact that this is when he visits his dad .. and step mom, not good. I can see why you are concerned.

Your husband needs to talk with his son and find out what his son needs to make this easier on him. Part of it - the long drive, the stricter rules that he's not used to, etc. can explain some of the upset, but if he dreads it and it makes him nervous .. time for the parents to figure out how to make this easier on him. Most parents I know who have split try to keep similar bedtimes and routines just for the sake of the kids. Consistency can make kids feel more secure. Where the mom has them the majority of the time, I'd be willing to work with mom more and be a bit flexible. Obviously you have to have rules, but sounds like a really big discrepancy in how you parent.

Good luck :)

Updated: After reading your SWH..You can't really control the mother and make her move back unfortunately. That's why no one has been bringing that up. You are correct that it was probably the worst thing for those kids. Now that it's done, you can try to get her to move back, or you can try to find ways to ease the stress and anxiety for their son. Maybe less visits at his age would be best. Again, I think it's up to dad to travel to his son and ease the burden on this poor kid, even if it's temporarily. When someone is stressed enough to throw up, you need to do everything you can to eliminate the stress. I almost forgot to mention that anxiety causes outbursts and irritability, which can be the cause of his issues with getting into trouble and dealing with siblings. I highly recommend you do some research and take him to the doctor.

That's a lot of traveling for a kid his age. Can you go his way one of those weekends a month? That way he'd have a little normalcy and maybe be able to do some normal things kids do on weekends...sports teams and activities. He's experiencing anxiety and you'll need to lighten up at home and get things really calm for him. Your job is to have a routine, but not make him feel overwhelmed by it. It needs to feel peaceful and loving, rather than anxiety producing. Can you sit down with him and talk about what would make him feel comfortable? I bet you can all write down a nice routine with your expectations that also allows for lots of fun. Again, I'd revisit the travel too and see if you all can go his way or have your husband travel to him more often. We have a friend who travels 3 hours to visit his kids once a month and they all get to stay at a hotel. They all love it and dad gets to take them to all of their usual activities for the weekend. Then once a month they travel to see him at their house with dad.

I have a child with anxiety and the first step is to remove their stress. Clean the house, de-clutter, establish a peaceful routine, eat healthy, exercise together, have limited expectations, be positive, be empathetic, be supportive, be someone they want to talk to. Once the stress is lower, set goals with them that they can work on in gradual steps. You really have to think about it a different way. Forcing them to do things isn't an option...it just makes it worse. I love that you are asking this question, because it really shows how much you want to help him.

Poor kiddo. I feel for him. Please understand that he's not doing this intentionally, it's a real physical symptom of his uncontrolled fear or anxiety. Something about the way you worded it makes me think you think he's trying to manipulate you.
I'm glad you're seeking advice. I would work to figure out what is causing him stress. Have you talked to him about it? Some kids aren't real reflective and unable to pinpoint the cause of their stress, or maybe he doesn't feel comfortable telling you about it, but it's important to find the cause and address it.
If you are correct that it's the rules, why not change them? Some I'm sure are non-negotiables but you only get the kids a couple weekends a month so enjoy them! Very kid is different and should be parented as such. This child appears to be very anxious, so you need to be gentle with him. You need to repair this relationship before it's too late. I would try finding out what would make him feel better and accommodating him. Work together to plan fun weekends that he looks forward to. Weekends are supposed to be fun! His mother, for better or worse, has the burden of the majority of the parenting and managing school work, so take advantage of the free time you have with him.

Updated

Poor kiddo. I feel for him. Please understand that he's not doing this intentionally, it's a real physical symptom of his uncontrolled fear or anxiety. Something about the way you worded it makes me think you think he's trying to manipulate you.
I'm glad you're seeking advice. I would work to figure out what is causing him stress. Have you talked to him about it? Some kids aren't real reflective and unable to pinpoint the cause of their stress, or maybe he doesn't feel comfortable telling you about it, but it's important to find the cause and address it.
If you are correct that it's the rules, why not change them? Some I'm sure are non-negotiables but you only get the kids a couple weekends a month so enjoy them! Very kid is different and should be parented as such. This child appears to be very anxious, so you need to be gentle with him. You need to repair this relationship before it's too late. I would try finding out what would make him feel better and accommodating him. Work together to plan fun weekends that he looks forward to. Weekends are supposed to be fun! His mother, for better or worse, has the burden of the majority of the parenting and managing school work, so take advantage of the free time you have with him.

It sounds like he needs to be seen to confirm or rule out clinical anxiety. That's not something you just 'get over', so at this point no one can advise you properly in that regard.

"They have to travel every other Friday and Sunday, holidays and breaks for 5 hours."

That sucks, truly. I'd throw up too, but that is because I get motionsick. My divorced parents were only an hour apart and it was just about the limit of my tolerance.

By the time I was 14, I started skipping visits with my dad because I was involved in activities and such. If one hour apart was too distant for that, five hours certainly will be. When my brother got involved in sports, my dad would come to our town to see us instead of us kids going to his house.

If at all possible, I'd come up with a new visitation plan that has your husband doing the traveling to their area at least half the time, instead of having them come to yours so often. You're also going to have to think ahead for ways to accommodate the needs of the kids when they are older.

When I was a kid, I used to vomit because of scary situations -- I sometimes still do. There wasn't anything that could be done about it, except to minimize anxiety-provoking situations.

How about if you are as nice to him as you can possibly be? As others said, he didn't ask to be put into this crappy situation. Jeez.

Some children really do have a nervous stomach and will throw up from nerves. AND some children can throw up at will to manipulate a situation.

My son gets nerves but not to the point of throwing up...put him in a car for 5 hours and you need to bring a barf bag or a box of children's Dramamine. Sometimes he can get nauseous just thinking about being in a car that long due to past experiences before we realized his long car travel threshold. (If you add nerves on about spending time with a parent you don't see as often and a step-mother...then you know they are going to have more rules, etc etc...) Then yes, I can see a nervous stomach getting the better of him.

So, go to the drugstore and get a box of children's motion sickness pills AND go to the supply isle and get those special vomit sacks for people going through chemo...they have a great round top on them and are easy to use in the car or wherever.

Let him know that it is okay to be nervous and it is okay to get sick sometimes. You are prepared...would he like some medicine to calm his stomach? And here is a special bag just for you if you do get sick. I will carry one of the bags in my purse all the time if you feel nervous and you can keep one with you in the car.

Be loving and nurturing and understanding about the problem and prepared.

That way if it is really nerves he can be calmer because he knows if he gets sick you are prepared and not going to get upset with him...and if it is manipulative he sees you are prepared and not going to get upset over the vomiting so maybe it will stop. Win-win.

Good luck!!