Separation Anxiety at 7?

Dear Mama S. !
how about ... meeting up with his friends in the morning
and go to school together ? My son is being picked up each morning by his bestest pals and they drive to school together .
Like ,you meet up with his best friend and his Mama before school and you could drive together ...

Much Love & Luck !!
N.

I went thru the same thing, my son is now in second grade, but first grade was hard, every day he wanted a hug and would be very sad and cry when I left him. Finally I had my husband take him to school in the mornings, and he never once cried etc. no seperation anxiety at all. So after two weeks I explained to him that I was going to do the drop off's and that he needed to be strong, I would give him a hug and kiss goodbye every day but he had to go to class on his own. He was so proud of himself when he did this and now this year its very sad but he doesn't want those hugs and kisses anymore he is all grown up now.

I had the same experience with my daughter. At that time the only thing that seemed to work with her was, I went and bought her alittle stuffed bear. Now I know alittle boy would not do this, but what I did is I told her to name the bear and keep him in her backpack at school. When she felt sad or lonely I told her to hug the bear and that it would be like mommy giving her a hug. It really worked. And to this day, inwhich she is now 28, she still has the bear and remembers how good it made her feel.

Buggy

Wow, I think that a child who is happy to be dropped off everywhere else is really having a problem with the school. I am a child advocate, a mom of two grown sons and was a school phobic child myself. I use to cry and throw up everyday before school and then go. What my mom found out later was that even thought I was very smart, I was dyslexic and the phonics program the school was using made me feel stupid and the other kids teased me. The teacher thought I had lots of freinds, but young children can be cruel when she was not looking.
My youngest son is very bright but was/is also dyslexic and he loved school until reading; then he became a behavior problem. It took us about two months to discover the real issue. I learnt a very important lesson; children do not know how to tell you what it wrong, you must ask questions and piece things together.
I have a client who daughter has always loved math and then suddenly hated math and her math teacher. We asked the teacher what was happening and she said the child was doing great, her grades were good and she appeared to have lots of friends in class. I talked with the little girl. She told me she hates math. I agreed that can happen but asked what about it do you hate. After several, "I don't know, I just hate it" she said "the teacher is stupid." I asked "wow,how do you know she is stupid?" She said she just is or she is so stupid. I asked for an example. I got my answer, "I keep telling her the boy next to me is mean and she won't move me or help." She did not hate math or the teacher - she hated not being heard or helped in a tough social situation. This conversation took two days and about three hours of talking and listening to statements like "I hate it", "Math is stupid" and the like. We need to help kids "learn" to tell us what it wrong and ask for help. After talking with the little girl we found out the boy next to her was making sextual comments when the teacher could not hear him and the little girl had not told the teacher what the comments were just that she wanted to move. The teacher was so sorry she had not asked more questions about why the gilr wanted to be moved. The teacher not only moved the little girl but got the school social worker involved with the little boy. The little girl loves math again!

If a normally happy, well behaved child goes a muck - start asking questions. Listen, ask for examples and always remember not to tell your son how to feel- don't judge listen and empathis. We can tell someone else how to act but our feelings are our own and we need them validated. For a seven year old, I would make comments like - it must be hard to hate (or what ever word he uses)school- what makes you feel that way? OR I don't like work when my boss tells me I made a mistake, when do you hate school most? OR Do any of your friends hate school too? Just get him talking and listen for the suttle messages. Who is mean, who or what make him uncomfortable, what is hard or scary?

Your son told you he does not like school and You don't spend enought time with him. My son felt like I only spent time with him studing spelling word and working on reading and we never had time for fun once he started school. I had to really work on some down time before school work for him to feel loved for himself and not only for doing well at school. If this is a very eccelerated school he may feel his only worth is being smart, or its always about working hard, or he maybe scared he will let you down - even if he does well - what if the next day he doesn't. Maybe the teacher says "Don't disappoint your parents work hard be smart" or maybe you or your husband have said something like "I always did well at school - I am so proud of how smart you are" - a very sensitive child can hear or feel like that is too much to live up too. You just need to let him feel whatever he does and talk about it - let him know sometimes you and your husband don't like things, are scared, are lonely, feel pushed, want more free or fun time and listen to what he wants or feels he needs, without judgement, just love.
Good luck.
N.

S., I am a grandmother and have raised two children, am a former teacher and counselor. So would like to give you my perspective.

First of all punishing a child that is already scared and feeling terrible is not the solution at all. Why do something to hurt him when he is already has hurt, fearful emotions?

2nd, Obviously, this school is not for him. Find another. Kids have better antennas than we do and something is wrong. Kids don't always react to what is being done to them, but what is being done to others. Maybe the environment is just too strict for him.

When I taught 3rd grade 1/2 of the kids came to me from one teacher's classroom. This was my 1st year teaching. I could not understand why those kids were scared of me. After a while they started to trust me. I found out that their former teacher use to pick the kids up by their ears off the floor when she got mad at them. This was not a story because in the middle of the year I saw her do it. I reported her to the school and superindendant of schools. They never fired her. She had tenure.

In a strict school you never know what is being done to your kids. This was not a strict school, but there were other incidents that I witnessed from another teacher. And at each school I taught, there were things done to the kids that apaulled me. NEVER take the school's side. You are your child's advocate. You are the only person he's got. There is no one else to protect him.

One more story. My grandson at 3 years old went to nursery school that belongs to the park district. My son checked out the teachers in advance, talked to lots of parents and chose the one that he thought would be the best. The first day my grandson came home from nursery school I asked him about his first day. He crawled under the table and would not talk to me.

My son told me that my grandson had told him in the car that the teacher yelled at him and he wasn't going back to school. So I asked my son what he was going to do about it. He looked at me blankly. "OK, Mark, this is your opportunity to step up as a parent. I am here to take care of the kids. I suggest you call the school, see if the teacher is there, and go talk with her." He called, left, came home, put my grandson on his lap and told him that he just returned from talking with his teaching and that the teacher will NEVER yell at him again. If she did not keep her promise then my grandson was to let him know and he would move him to another teacher's room. That cleared up the issue and he loved his experience.

3rd find an excellent play therapy or child art therapy therapist. He needs a place to express what is going on with a trained professional. When a behavior continues to produce a reaction in the body it becomes an automatic response and this is beyond you being able to help him get over it.

What your child needs from you and your husband is a lot of love.

Another thought. My son had a terrible time in 1st grade because of how strict the teacher was and her high expectations. It was just too much pressure. He was in private school and there was not another 1st grade. We had to take him to a child psychiatrist. When the year was over the therapist said he no longer needed therapy. Being a young mother I must tell you that I learned a huge lesson.

The best to you.
M.
www.super-science-fair-projects.com

We use Love and Logic and that might help you. The website is www.loveandlogic.com

Does he have a hobby? If he doesn't, I would encourage him to get a hobby that he can do alone. Kids need some alone time as a part of a daily routine. Kids thrive on structure and need structure. We get the kiddos who haven't had structure and we implement it in our home and it does wonders! It really helps the kids so much. We are foster parents and we've learned thru our training that it is good to have family time with everyone, however kids do need some alone time/free play. You need a balance, a happy medium of family time and alone time.
Maybe take him to craft store or hobby store and buy a airplane kit or boat kit or something like that. Encourage him to work on something like this. Talk to the workers there and see if they can recommend something that he can do easily by himself and where he won't need lots of assistance from Dad or Mom.

Maybe a sport, like basketball or baseball. This is still a team, however he would need to still practice bouncing the ball and shooting and working hard to get better and help the team out by himself. On of our foster kids had to do this for therapeutic reasons and he was involved in a basketball team, I can't remember the name of the team-I think it was thru the YMCA. The community centers would be a great start for sports also. Maybe a martial arts, like Tae Kwon Do. They are fairly inexpensive and there is practice during the week and games on the weekend. There is Little Leagues also. Campfire or Boy Scouts would be wonderful opportunities for him. I would encourage him to go to summer camp for a week away from you all. Yes, it will be hard, but he needs it. They also have camps during Spring Break and other times during the year. Check with Campfire about camps, they are wonderful, we've used them many times! I would highly recommend either one of these programs. We've used Boy Scouts and the boys we have had have really enjoy Boy Scouts, as it helps them build skills, that they can use for the rest of their life. We've had 8 children in our home and now we have our own biological son who is 2. 7 of them have been boys and 1 is girl.

Does he like to read? If so, take him to the library and have him get some books and encourage him to have reading time at night and you and your husband do cleaning of the house, something different that he wouldn't want to do.

This needs to be a daily activity. We have always been encouraged thru our training with Foster Parenting to allow free play and your kids to do things they enjoy for some of the day, some things they can do by themselves. They do encourage family activities also.

You could also try stamp collecting or coin collecting or tell him he could start a collection and let him decide what he would like to collect-collector's type itme-baseballs, or bat mitts, etc...

If all this doesn't work,you can always talk to your school counselor for other suggestions. Hope this helps and good luck. Sorry this ended up really long. That is all I can think of right now. C.

My son is grown, however, I had the same problem. He LOVED kindergarten, loved Sunday School, loved staying over at Grandma's house. Each night, the closer it got to bedtime, the more he clung to me, sat next to me...etc. I was a young Mother. His teacher was an old friend of my Mother's and very experienced. He cried (or tried not to cry) every time I took him to school. I had a friend whose son was experiencing the same thing, so I would pick up her son to ride to school with us. I would tell my son, privately, that we were helping his friend be brave and go to school, and she would tell my son the same thing. That, at least, got them out of the car and onto schoolgrounds with out a tear.

However........I don't want to scare you, but it wasn't untill my son was in high school that he revealed exactly why he hated school that year. The teacher screamed at the class, was very dismissive and rude, and had actually tied one child into a chair!!! The first time they had a fire drill, it scared my son so bad, he cried. She had been very unsympathetic and the next time they had a drill, she asked him if he was going to cry again! Again, I never knew these things, and I ALWAYS asked him about his day.

I trusted the woman because she was an old friend, but I'm sorry to say that I shouldn't. There HAS to be some reason your son hates to go school. Start digging. Pop in as an "observer" of the classroom without warning. I SO regret that I wasn't assertive enough to try changing his teacher, or even asking the principal for advice. Dig deep. Make sure his anxiety about school is not due to treatment from his teacher.

I don't want to scare you or make you worry, but I wish I had been as bold then as I am now. Children just don't do well with attending school one year and not the next.

Good luck.

Shelley - I wrote to you earlier - sharing a similar story. We used behavioral modification - and he earned Chuck e Cheese tokens to get him to get out of the car for carpool. At first , he earned a token just for getting out of the car... eventually he earned several tokens for walking to the school door.. and eventually he walked all the way to his class (this was Kindergarden) - and he earned more tokens - and got to spend them. A counselor at the school was my advocate from the time he left the car until he got the the classroom - it tooks us months! But slow and steady worked.

One small thing to do is read the book, The Kissing Hand. My son, now 8 - still occasionally says he'll miss me - so I kiss his hand -and he grins from ear to ear. (The book says when you miss your mom, hold your hand to your cheek and you receive her kiss).

Best wishes - you'll overcome it - just realize it may take time and trying lots of things to figure out what will work for your son.

Be aware he can sense your anxiety too (and this reaffirms their is something to be worried about). So, be as matter-of -fact as you can.

I try to make sure my daughter has an hour of "play-alone time" at the house. At the age of four we are trying to instill the idea that it is OK to do stuff on your own, even playing by yourself. We are also very careful not to have more than one activity scheduled per day (in addition to school).

Sounds to me like you need to look into whats really happening at school. If he lets you drop him off at other places then it seems to me it is anxiety at school, and something is happening there to make him uncomfertable. See if the school will let you jion him for a day and sit in the back of the classroom and observe what happens. It may be something very simple, like one kid is calling him names or something, but it sounds to me like your son has a problem with the school, not with seperation anxiety.

Hi S., I also have a child that has separation anxiety when being taken to school. Something I tried which seems to help is, I cut red hearts out of construction paper and write an encouraging note to let her know how much I love her. Sometimes I write a note about something I know they will be doing in class that day. My daughter tells me she loves finding her special heart notes and they do help her to feel better. She is even keeping each one in a special bag to look at again and again. Good luck!!

Hi S., I know you have received a lot of advice, but I wanted to make a couple of more suggestions that have worked for us. One is to have "special time" every week where my son gets to be completely in control of what we do for a couple of hours. He chooses where we go, what we do, where we stop for a snack, etc. (All within reason and our budget of course....) The other is to let him take a day off every couple of months. A "mental health day" I guess you would call it where he stays home and we do nothing all day but hang out and be together. Other than that, keep talking to him and be open when he is ready to share. (My sons tend to reveal the most pertinent information when I am not asking for it like in the car, at night before bed, etc.) I would also second all the parents who say to keep looking at the school and to be open to the possibility that it is not the right school for him, especially if his reluctance continues into the next year or if you see something that doesn't seem right. Listen to your gut - a mom's gut knows! Best of Luck to you, this isn't easy. L. S.

Hi S.,

It sounds to me like your son is very stressed at this accelerated program. He's actually telling you that he doesn't like it. I think maybe it is too much pressure. He's 7 and still a kid. In fact, child development experts consider early-childhood to be until the age of 8. My guess is that he wants to get out of the program. It is up to you to decide whether you can let it go for his emotional well-being.

Good luck!
Kate, mom of Nate, 2

Good Morning S., Oh what's one more response..LOL My daughter did the same thing when I dropped her off at the day care she was 4. I had to also hunt down the director and leave here with her, I knew her as I had trained her years before when she worked for me at another day care. My daughter liked her. When she was taken to her class, she would cry, etc. for her too. A couple of years later My dtr tells me how mean the teacher was to her, taking her stuffed animal from her (the one that was supposed to comfort her during the day) and throw it up on top of the shelfs, and wouldn't give it back until the end of the day. I spoke with the teacher many times,and she always convinced me that all was fine, my daughter just was "missing" me, and all the while she was scared of this person that I was trusting to take care of her. Sometimes to this day I can't believe how my judgement was so wrong...moral of story sometimes you have to take a few steps back and really watch and listen to your kids, maybe they know what is good for them. And maybe the school that you think is such a "good match" isn't?

I know I am late in answering this, but wanted to tell you what happened to us.

First of all, I agree that you should carefully look at the school program and make sure it is right for your child. The main thing is to be sure he is not under too much stress to perform well. But, at the same time, if he is a bright child, I see no harm in him being a little challenged at school.

I would consider talking to your child's dr., too. Are there vision problems or other concerns that might be causing him stress at school?

About my own situation -- when my daughter was in elementary public school, I volunteered a lot. In the second grade, when I volunteered some mornings in her classroom, she started getting upset when I left mid-day. Finally, one day, she came screaming down the hall after me. The counselor and teacher were able to get her calmed down, and I left. We have a wonderful pediatrician, and after having her checked, we decided to visit a child psychologist. It turns out that my child has a somewhat controlling nature, as did 2 of her grandparents. I had always stopped what I was doing to play with her, etc., at home, so she now expected me to stay at school. Another issue was she was a bit chubby at the time, and a girl in the class was bullying her. We worked through this with the psychologist and it all resolved quickly. She learned that she could not control me, and also we learned several methods to deal with bullies, and the best one, which I was already encouraging her to do, was to act like that girl wasn't even alive -- totally ignoring her. Also, we found out shortly after that she did indeed need glasses. So, it was a tough time, but it all turned out ok. She is now a good student, with lots of friends. We sometimes still have to remind her that she can't control certain things in life, and we have worked on dealing with anxieties, too.

I also suggest you go to the library or bookstore and look for some books on coping methods for children with anxieties. I know there are several.

Best wishes!

Hi S.,
It sounds like you and your husband are incredible parents and your son is lovely and gifted young boy. I want to give you another side to his actions for you to consider. Perhaps this is not the best school environment for him. He may be gifted and able to perform well academically but perhaps the rigorous nature of the school is not conducive to his personality. I recently saw the author Dr. Madeline Levine speak about her book, "The Price of Privelege" and children in our area are twice as likely as the rest of the country to suffer from anxiety and clinical depression. By the time they graduate from high school the number is triple. A large contributing factor to this pressure is academics and rigorous homework standards at an early age.
I know it can be difficult to let your heart lead the way instead of your brain telling you he is smart enough to handle this school so he just should. But as in tune as you are, you know there's something more to his behavior. He is telling you he hates school. You can reason that because he can perform so he must not really hate school, but it just might be the wrong environment for him and bottom line: he hates THIS school.
Good luck with this issue. You sound like an amazing mom and I applaud your searching for help.

my daughter did the same thing to me forever (months). it was horrible. then one day while i was agonizing about it at work with another co-worker (another mom) she told me to not let her know that you feel guilty in any way. so the next time i dropped her off i showed no guilt. i dropped her off , gave her a kiss , said goodbye. at first she cried. but i did not turn around and just walked away. the next day, i did the same exact thing, and this time she knew i meant business. there was no punishment, no reward, just a firm goodbye, i love you, the kiss and that was it. it was such a relief. it worked.
show no guilt, they feed off of it. Good luck !!!

My oldest son went through the same thing and he ended up having asperger syndrome we home school him now and he is fine. He enjoys it sop much more then going to school. It has been a battle but he is doing better. Does she enjoy playing with children she just met? Does she like new things or is it hard for her to adjust to new situations? Your whole situation sounds like mine my son said the same thing and did it and it only gets worse I have a great program online called C.O.V.A. You get a computer for home school they will rememburse you for internet. There is alot of things.:) But you cant sign up until the begining of next school year. If you would like more info just ask and also I have the web page it is www.k12.com
C.
http://www.myspace.com/ilovemyairmanluis

The separation anxiety your son is experiencing sounds exactly what I went through when I was in 4th grade (I skipped Kindergarten and 1st grade - so I was the age of a 2nd grader) My anxiety was not because I was leaving my mother, I certainly did not mind leaving her for any other reason; she saw this and after some mommy-detective work, she got to the root of the problem.

I was the only blond hair/blue eyed/American child in my Catholic School (besides my brother who was in 1st grade). The school was in Miami, Fl, and with the exception of us, the students were of Latin decent and for the most part, spoke Spanish at home.

I went from being a child that loved to learn and loved school to one that would get physically ill in the mornings and cry the whole way to school....begging my mother not to leave me. (I DID NOT do this when my father drove me to school - but it had nothing to do with leaving my mother or father, I probably just knew the ride would get worse if I did it with him)

My mother could not figure it out. I told her I liked the teachers but no longer liked school.

What was going on was that the math/science/spelling teacher (we switch classrooms for those classes) was very hard on me. I was a lot younger then the students in the class and I was American - to this day I am not sure which it was that she did not like. I was the brunt of classroom jokes. When a new math process was introduced she would call me to the board to work on a problem I had never seen before, and then humiliate me in front of the class when I had no idea where to start or massacred the problem. She would ask me how to spell a new vocabulary word or ask me science questions for a chapter we were about to begin. Of course, I would say I didn't know the answer and take a stab at the new word. She would then speak in Spanish to the class and they would start laughing at me, apparently I was the brunt of her jokes. And if by a stroke of luck I knew the answer or figured out the problem, the inside jokes were still tossed at my expense and prolonged. The children started calling me Spanish words after the class (things the teacher had said earlier), and groups of them would laugh at my expense. She would then teach the new problem/words/science and I would understand, so I still received A's in the classes. (My grades were not slipping....and this really baffled my mother) My friends (even my best friend) began to dwindle because no one wants to be friends with "that person."

There was another boy in the same grade who did not speak Spanish. His father was Latin but he married an American woman and they did not speak Spanish at home. He also received the same treatment from this teacher (but at a different class time) Soon he became my only friend and I was his only friend. Thankfully our friendship brought our mothers together. My mother soon learned that this child (although older) was also behaving like I was before school, and after the moms pow-wowed they figured out what was going on....after half a year of this odd behavior!

I was taken out of the school after my mother spoke to the teacher a number of times and my treatment did not improve and actually got worse - the teacher actually told the class that I had my mom come talk to her!!! The other boy was taken out a month later.

I loved my new school and did fine. I had a brilliant scholastic career. I actually graduated Summa Cum Laude from College... I also speak Spanish fluently now (LOL) along with Greek and Italian.

Anyway, it sounds to me like something is going on at school. More then likely it is something he is afraid to say or is not capable of explaining. In my instance, I am not sure why I did not tell my mother what was going on, I don't think I understood fully what was going on so I did not have the capacity to explain the problem. The teacher was an adult...we are taught to respect adults.... so maybe i was afraid to "tell on her." Who knows.

It could be a problem with a teacher, a student... heck even the cafeteria worker, but it definitely sounds to me like something is going on at the school.

Maybe you should just ask your son if he would like to switch schools.... then maybe the problem will unfold.

Hope this helps. :)

Hi S.,
It sounds like your son really does not like school,
and he wants to be heard.

Can you transfer him to a different school?

He is 7 and can understand.
Tell him up front that you will transfer him to a new school.
Watch his reaction. If he releases stress then you know
it is the school.
However if he says he does NOT want to go a new school.
You can continue to fight every day and know he will calm
down in the first hour.
Because you are the parent and you do know what is best.

When my first grader did this every day too; and I was at work.
After a semester and on her own accord she called her Grandma, my MOM, and she moved in with my Mom.
She went to school at Grandma's school and did incredible.

I actually quit my job and relocated to the school district. Her anxiety calmed day one at the different school and of course having her Grandma
closer was good because her Grandma always listened.

My daughter Cindy now is a hair artist in Tempe and has
has a daughter too.

Love and Light
C.

Hi S.,
I was an educator for nine years before becoming a SAHM. I had a case similar to this with a 4 year old when her family moved to our city. She too calmed down after 15 min or so, but those were tough times for her, her mom and myself, as she kicked and screamed. It did eventually subside, but I think we went through it for about 6 weeks. If there have been some major changes in your lives lately (a move, new school, change in family, etc.) that could be a stress. If not, then you should probably look closely at the school situation.

I did not have this exact issue in my six years of teaching first grade, but have seen other instances of kids trying to cope with stress. When I was student teaching in first grade there was a sweet, quiet little boy who was a very good student, had very good manners, was well-liked and well-behaved, but he had severe anxiety over the class disicipline policy (in which kids would lose a chip if they were breaking a rule. They were rewarded for their remaining chips at the end of the day.) In the eight weeks I was there, this child never lost a chip, but apparently lived in constant fear that he would (although there were no consequences for losing just one) and he became increasingly frightened to go to school. Perhaps you can have a parent teacher conference, ask specific questions about the class policies (be sure not to put the teacher in a defensive position, just tell her you want to help your son cope with whatever is making him behave this way). I would also ask specific questions of your son about what he doesn't like (although he may not be able to articulate them), and maybe speak with other parents of other students in the class to get another perspective on classroom life. Even though he is excelling, perhaps he feels the stress of performing well in his classes, behaving well, etc. If this school is a good place for him to be, they will want to help you and your son work though this problem.

My second daughter exhibited this same behavior during first grade. We corrected it through three steps. 1) A book called The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn where I would kiss my daughter's hand when she left me and if she missed me she could put her hand to her cheek...we read it often; 2) Her teacher was very tender and kind to her and helped us and told her she could come to her for a hug anytime during the day and 3) my husband dropped her off at school. When we talk about it now, she is 14 years old, she said that she just missed me. From: S. Z.

You have spent 7 years with your child, and you being with that child when he is awake, that could likely be part of your problem. Don't get me wrong - we firmly believe that adult/child interaction is good for the child and actually spend an extra 30 minutes a night on additional homework. At the same time, we also encourage both of our girls to "entertain" themselves as well - and often that is with the TV OFF. As my mother-in-law put it to us once (and she's a Social Worker) they need to be well rounded children, but also need to be able to function on their own - do you expect to be there 24/7 when our children are in College (her question to us). You may want to start to cut some of those strings slowly now, and over a prolonged period of time. School will help, but you may need to allow him time to do stuff on his own at home as well - just so that he learns that he can do stuff by himself and mom and dad will still be around and with him later.

S., If your son is not exhibiting this behavior anywhere but at school drop off time, I would look into what is going on at school. He may be doing well academically but miserable otherwise. He may be completely stressed out by the school situation. See if you can help out in the classroom one day, see if you can help with recess or lunch supervision, meet with the teacher. Don't let your own love of the school's academic curriculum influence your ablilty to objectively look and see if this is the right place for your son. A significant change in behavior of this magnitude is your son's way of saying something is not right. A 7 year old who is not normally shy and anxious should be loving school!

I agree with so many other responses to consider the school the problem--something at the school. Something happened that scares your son. He's looking to you for help/support without knowing how to tell you in any other way. He may not know how to explain it. If someone touched him, hit him, threatened him, those are hard and scary things to talk about. You seem so excited about the school, so he may not want to upset you. Trust him. Protect him. Good luck.

Hi S., I read your initial concern regarding your son. I then saw your 2nd question after you read the responses from everyone. There is a great program called "Raising Capable People"....I am not sure if it is in your area but you can google it and see where it is offered. There is also a book called Raising Capable People.....I took the course about 10 years ago and I use what I learned in many aspects of my life, not just with my children.

Its easy to "do" for our kids....often you have to just stop what your going to help them with and say "hmmmmmmm I wonder if you would do this....." then let it go, give you son a chance to figure some tasks out on his own..."I wonder" statements elicit a chance for kids to respond....be ok with the silence as they figure it out......Also ask "what" and " how" questions vs. "why" questions...."why" questions often elicit a defensive position.....Think about it....Why did you do this? Why were you late? Why did you spill you milk? We feel like we have to defend ourselves w/Why questions.
Hope this helps! J.

My seven year old daughter has become more emotional this year, and I've heard it's a developmental thing to a point. Have you talked to his teachers to see if they have any ideas why he may not want to come to school? Also, if you haven't already, ask him what the two of you can do to make it easier dropping him at school. (ie. walk him into class and get him settled, is his desk mate bugging him, etc.) Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what the real issue is.

Hello S.,
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My son too experienced this. Fortunately we lived in a small community and everyone joined in helping him. He even ran away from the school one time. We started letting him call home, whenever he became so sticken with the anxiety that something was wrong with me. That was the cause of his anxieties. He was so worried that I was home alone (his dad was working out of town for a year) and that somehow I needed help and that he had a very physical need to be home. There were some days that he would actually call home ten or more times. But he gradually weened himself, all by himself. He is still my worrier, and will fret over the smallest things. He has become very good at what triggers his own anxieties and will now talk to me about such things. He is twelve and in the sixth grade and absolutely loves school and his friends. He is very outgoing.

So I guess my most important advice is to find what triggers his anxieties and why. And help him to identify them. I haven't read all the other comments, but I am confident that you will find a way to help him through this. God Bless! L.

Hi Shelley
Perhaps you answered your own question. You and your husband have always played and entertained him and this is what he has become use to. Maybe, you can teach him to entertain himself, by coloring, playing with toys etc.

S. C.

Well, it sounds like he gave you his answer in a non-manipulative way when he told you that he doesn't like the school. And his behavior definitely seems to echo that, seeing as he only acts like this regarding school. Have you asked him why he doesn't like school or want to go? It sounds like it's too rigorous and strict. It must be pushing him too hard. While you want him to be successful and excel in life, you certainly want him to love learning, which it sounds like he currently doesn't.

You might want to read the book The OverAchievers by Alexandra Robbins. Here's a review of it: "I picked up this book recently and I have to tell you that once I started it I had a hard time putting it down. As I turned each page I was more and more stunned at how America's teenagers are driven and sadly spinning their wheels in a quagmire of perfectionism. As parents are we really setting the bar of expectation so high that our teenagers are no longer having fun or even have a childhood because there is no time for fun? Their lives are spent being pushed and pushing themselves to get the best grades, get the most volunteer hours, have the most and best extra curricular activities at the cost of sleep deprivation, nutrition and family time. I am all for encouraging our children to be the best that they can be, notice I said be the best that THEY can be, not what we think is the best for them. I highly recommend this book for all parents to see the extreme levels in which pushing our children to aim at perfectionism can do to them."

I'm in agreement with Tiffany, in that the school system may be the cause of this.

Homeschool your child, it is the best thing for your child. Check it out. My daughter loves it and we meet with other homeschoolers to do play days, activities, field trips....

Hold on a little while that will change as they get older. My kids used to scream and cry and beg, mommy please don't leave me and it made me cry all the way to work and I hated the world everyday, and just wanted to go back. But now that one is 15 yrs old and the other one is 13 yrs old, and now they can't wait to get out of the house away from me and do their own thing (haha).. But I do have a 8 yr old that once in a while, pulls that, and I reassure him, and stand my ground, but it is the most heartbreaking pain, to go thru. I found out that the class he was going to, he did excel in and did great work, but he and the teacher didn't click as well as what the school was telling me, and plus he hated going into the class or school by himself. Check into that, see if you can just show up and ask to stand outside the classroom to see how the teacher is talking to your child and how your child is responding. But he will grow out of it, and then it will be you that feels like everytime he walks out the door, wow - why doesn't he want to spend anytime with me. We moms hold on tighter to our kids then what we think and that also causes them to act out that way and we don't know that we are holding on that tight.. my guess is that he is an only child.
But hold on, it will change.. but definitely do spot checks on the teacher.. K.

It's so difficult to see our own child in pain, sad, and uncomfortable. I'll never forget going through it with my daughter when she was 5. I wouldn't have wished the emotional guilt and pain it put us both through on anyone. You never mentioned if this is your son's first time at a full time program.

My daughter was exhibiting many anxious behaviours when I enrolled her in a full time pre-school program. Prior to that, she had attended 2.5 hour programs. She would complain about a belly-ache every school morning. Along with the belly-ache came crying, questions of "why do I have to go?", and "why can't you just stay home?". I hate to say it, but it took almost 1 year for her to finally adjust.

I spent a lot of time talking to the teachers, checking out the program, but also, talking to my daughter. I needed to know she was not acting out because of a problem with the school itself, it's policies, a teacher, or another student.

Once I determined it was mostly anxiety about being away from home all day, I bought books about children's anxiety, and how best to handle it. We made up new morning rituals to take her mind off school. We played a game called "Slay the dragon". The dragon was her anxiety. I would sometimes spray her hair with glitter spray and tell her that she now had special powers. All she had to do was believe she was going to get through the day, and maybe even have fun, and it would happen. We started a rewards poster. If she made it the entire week without a breakdown, we would buy a new coloring book.

After a few months, my daughter was able to narrow down the worst part about going to school. She said that it was simply too long. And her least favorite part, was nap time. I was able to speak to the teacher and ask if she could bring a book to nap time, or do a special task now and then during nap time. My mother picked her up from school early one day a week. These things helped.

What really turned it all around, was my husband, my daughter, and I came in to the school with other parents, to perform some volunteer work. From that point on, she seemed to feel much more at home with the school. She looked forward to going, and started asking to have the other children to the house to play with.

It took a lot of time, a lot of tears (on both my daughter and my own, privately) before we were able to see it through. This summer, she will go back there again, until September. I'm already working on it. We're talking about going, talking about the kids in class, the special programs they run, and I wouldn't be surprised if I have a little setback for a few weeks. But we'll all get through it.

Take care, and good luck.

If he is just doing this at school, I would be questioning the school- it is too strict for your son. If he was having anxiety being without you he would do it anytime you were to leave him not just at school. I would ask him what he doesn't like about school- it might open some doors to why he is doing this. He sounds like a very bright young man and I don't think he would be pulling your chain or your husbands. I would just at dinner one night ask him why he doesn't like school and maybe ask him what we (you, dad, and him) can do to make it better. Kids like to be included in decisions and it might make it a little easier. Best wishes

Jen

A children's book, "The Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn is a wonderful little book about Chester Raccoon and how his mother reassures him when he will be temporarily separated from her. In it, momma raccoon and her child kiss each other's hand before parting. When Chester misses his mommy, all he needs to do his put his hand to his face for a kiss.

You need this book and so does the school counselor for her office. My daughter loved the book and we went through years of kissing each other's palms.

If the anxiety continues through the years, seek out a child psychiatrist. Hope this helps.

Hi S., I was a Kindergarten teacher for 31 years. I had a little boy who displayed the same behavior. I asked the mom to spend the day with him for a week, until he felt and she felt comfortable. After a week, it lessened, but there were still tears. I would not allow the mom into the building after the bell rang. (I met the kids outside) A little tough love after that first week worked well. I simply said, "Oh, you're OK, you did great yesterday," and we started something fun.

Perhaps the pressure of the school is too much for your son. Remember, he is still a little kid. They are fragile and don't know how to express themselves. See if the teacher will allow you to stay for a while, so you can really get the lay of the land.

S. g

Wow, this sounds exactly like my daughter! Loved her teacher, had friends, did great at school, but had horrible separation anxiety in first grade, and kindergarten as well. I worked with her teacher on this, and she would even allow her to "break the rules" and let her bring a stuffed animal to school with her on especially bad days, and of course, I volunteered in the classroom one morning every other week. She is in 2nd grade now, and doing great, in fact she hates to stay home when she's sick! Some days she still has separation anxiety and wants to be with me (which makes me feel loved!) but she is so much better. Sometimes you have to just help them along in their various phases of life, reassure them, and do what you can to make sure they know they are safe and loved. Good luck, it will get better!

Hi S.,

My advice comes from my experience as a teacher dealing with children with behavioral problems, including seperation anxiety. Here's what worked for the parents and children I worked with.

First of all, children can sense your anxiety with leaving them when they are behaving this way. When we are trying to leave them and they are having difficulty seperating, we tend to feel guilty and stressed. In turn, they respond with negative behavior. It becomes a vicious circle. Try to control your mindset. When you drop him off (no matter what he does) focus on being happy, smiling, and giving him a quick kiss or hug. Say something like, "I can't wait to see you this afternoon so that you can share with me what a great day you've had." Then turn around and leave. Don't look back.

Secondly, you really need a teacher or principal who is willing to work with you and him to do the same.....accept his behavior lovingly, knowing that is is about to end. "I'm so proud of you! You started out your day so much better today. Your mom is going to be so proud, too! I can't wait to tell her!" Even if it is 15 minutes today instead of 20, reinforce the behavior you are looking for, rather than focusing on the one you're not.

He has said that he doesn't like school, but can't really tell you why. If we went to work and had a negative experience first thing in the morning, that may affect our day. Children tend to learn from and focus on strong emotion, so this feeling may be recurring for him throughout the day. Away from school, take opportunities to talk about what he did at school. Reinforce positive shares.

It has never taken me more than 2 weeks to assist a child in releasing this behavior through a strong parent/teacher commitment. I have found that what we focus on is what we get and that children (and adults) almost always live up to our expectations - high or low.

Finally, you seem like a wonderful mom who knows that her son is a teriffic kid who is just going through a tough challenge. Don't let it get you down or give you guilty feelings. Just keep being you. :)

Hope this helps.

P.

I apologize for not reading through all the responses, but I want to alert you to a program that helped us with our son greatly: The Boston University Center for Anxiety. Here is the website, http://www.bu.edu/anxiety/adolescent.html.

They worked with us, when we felt his separation anxiety went out of control and was really hurting him and us in daily life. I'd be happy to share more about it in a more private conversation.

H.

S.,
Our son's anxiety began in the first grade (school separation just like your son). It is exhausting. You get insanely angry and embarrassed and overwhelmingly sad. I just want to validate how you must feel. Our son went through counseling and has gotten better but still tends to "cycle" every 6 months or so. He sails along great and then, out of nowhere, "get nervous" again. He is 9 now and in the third grade and is doing well, but has continued to struggle off and on. Please, please buy the book/workbook "What to do When You Worry Too Much-A Kid's Guide To Overcoming Anxiety" by Dawn Huebner PHD. It is such a wonderful guide and really helped my son understand and cope with his "worry bullies." Our copy is dog-eared and MUCH loved. Good luck. It really does get better.

Good Luck. I hope things work out. I'm glad to hear the teacher is also getting involved and trying to help. The same type of issue happend with my nephew and it turned out the teacher was the cause of the probablem. She had to pull him from the school. Since the change there has been NO behavioral problems at all. Do you think it may be something that is more prone to happen with boys?
Positive Re-enforcement is always the way to go. I find when my daughter acts up I tell her she will have something taken away until she shows she can behave, It usually works like a charm. Then when she shows she can behave, I giver her back her toy, this also shows her praise for doing such a great job.

For me a red flag goes up that it only happens at school and you are able to drop him off elsewhere with out this happening. You stressed a couple times that it is an accelerated program, is it too much for him and he isn't wanting to express that?

Is there someone else who can take him to school? Perhaps if you remove yourself from that equation it would go smoother?

This is all about control! Your child wants to be in control. Give yourself 15 extra minutes in the morning. Go in and sit next to the door and tell your child that he has to sit next to you. Don't let him leave your side. Tell him you have 5 minutes and he should tell you when 5 minutes is up and tell you when to leave. If you give him the control of dismissing you, he will develop confidence in the situation. After 5 minutes, he will be bored sitting next to you, will feel confident in the surroundings, and will want to move on. Tell him goodbye and walk out. After a few days, he will dismiss you easier. Reverse psychology will get you the control you need in this situation. It worked for me.

could it be more of a transition anxiety? i imagine you've tried so many things and, i'm sorry to be redundant if that's the case... can you set up a routine with him where you stay for a predetermined amount of time--maybe have two markers: a time, and an event/activity that helps signal the time this transition will happen (?) then leave, in the same way each time--same routine (?)

also, do you have any unspoken concerns about leaving your son at school?

i wonder if he's worried about being left without comfort and support before he's settled in (?) i realize he's 7 not 4, but...it's just a thought.

was this an issue for him last year? does he feel safe and supported by his peers and teacher/s when he arrives at school? what is happening in the classroom/on the playground at that time? how does he react at pick up time? does he have any siblings that share his time with you at home?

is the teacher able to support him through the transition. does he cry for the full 20 minutes after you leave? it would be interesting to have a friend go with you--and stay after you go to observe the whole process...

good luck!!!

My daughter started doing that half way through kindergarten and I found out through the aide in the class that the teacher had put her on a chair in the front of the class and put a dunce cap on her when she answered a question wrong. She never told me that happened and just started crying and not wanted to go to school. She hung on to me and wouldn't let me leave. This went on until the end of the year when the aide decided to call and tell me at home. I had taken her to counseling and they called it separation anxiety also. It only happened at school. Check into anything that happened at school. He could also have school phobia. I work in at a school district and there are alot of children with school phobia.

what types of positive reinforcement have you tried. One idea could be to let your son now that if he can be good and go to school with out having a behavior he can have a ice cream at the end of the week. Also practice tough love when dropping him off at school dont say anything about his behavior ignore him even if he is crying and screaming this will show him that you are not going to give in to him. I hope this helps.

He loves his Mommy and wants to spend every moment with you. He thinks you are the most important person in the whole world. Have you ever thought about homeschooling. I have 3 children, 7,6 and 3. We have been technically since my oldest was 3. But really it all starts when they are babies. I don't think there is anything wrong with your son at all. Just loves ya.

R. C

Hello S., I came into this late but I want you to know I have the same issues with my daughter Cassidy. Right now she is only 2 going on 3 but at the same rate I have found that if someone else picks her up and takes her to school she does just fine. I am not leaving her she is now leaving me to go have fun. You may try a car pool option that can offer some assistance. I also know we are structured when it comes to our mornings with being in the military it's a constant change so we do as much as possible before the day. If the teacher is willing to work with you, ask to see if you can bring your child in a bit earlier before school starts and sit with him while the teacher prepares for her day. This could become a pattern and he may feel more comfortable coming into the classroom one on one instead of as a group of students at once. I really hope some of this advice helps. My 8 year old always just seem to leap in to anything as I am dealing with the complete opposite with my 2 year old.

Dear S.,
Some separation anxiety is normal. I'm not sure this is separation anxiety. I agree with the other opinions that your son
is having a problem with this school. He is telling you exactly what the problem is and that is that he does not want to be there. I must tell you that I can't imagine any school elementary or otherwise that does not have a trained counselor of some kind. I'm sorry but this would be a red flag for me.
I'm sure you put time and care in choosing this particular school for your child but maybe it's not a good fit. I have three children (all older) and I can tell you for sure that if you go the private school route just because one school works for one child does not mean it is right for another one. I had all of my children in different schools because of their
preferences and educational needs.
My children all stared out at an elementary school that also has a reputation for rigor and is accelerated. It was not a good fit for my one son so we sent him some where else. It has worked out great. This school does have a counselor by the way! An accelerated curriculum is fine but it must be developmentally appropriate for your child.
Guess what? They all eventually get to the same place in terms of their general fund of knowledge and preparation for college anyway. Some private schools really push them at the beginning
some really step it up at middle school and some not until high school. Relax your son will get there too. So my bottom line is, please listen to your son! Explore some other options, let him know you are listening to him. Talk to your pediatrician about this problem. perhaps he or she has the name of a professional who does educational testing who could evaluate your son.
Good luck to your family.
Best,
D.

Why does a kid need to be at an accelerated school at the age of 7. Children learn by play and plying is their job. It sounds like your son settles down because he is trying to please the teachers. Being a pleaser is not always a good thing in the long run. It teaches that your own needs come after everyone elses and that you can't say no. I would look at other schools and teaching philosophys, talk with your son, visit other schools and let him participate in the decision. He may suprise you and want to stay at the original school.

I feel privileged to be able to homeschool my twin boys (age 6.5) Needless to say we never get any of that separation anxiety stuff. And I'm positive they are not suffering by not being in a classroom for hours a day with a bunch of other first-graders. In fact a recent article in The Wall Street Journal illustrated that children in Finland (a country that doesn't even send children to school until age 7) has the smartest kids in the world.

My boys get plenty of playtime with their peers as well. And they are extremely well adjusted and not one bit shy. And natural? Well having a 5-6-7 year old with "out of control anxiety" seems like a completely natural response to an unnatural situation.

And if your interested, there are many resources available about home schooling.

Good luck
E.

S., Have you tried reverse action. Let him leave you. Someone to take him to his room, a friend, an aide, sometimes the teacher. A.

Hi S.,
I have two daughters ages 13 and 10. Both of them had terrible seperation anxiety and I too questioned it. Now, in hindsight, I wish I had respected their feelings rather than go along with what is considered "normal". Your son may be ready to attend an accelerated school academically, but inside he isn't ready. Just as many children are born with immature digestive systems, our emotional systems aren't always in sync with everyone else's. I bucked the system and sat with my children in the office or classroom until they were ready for me to leave. By the time my 13 year old started middle school, she wouldn't even let me get out of the car when I dropped her off. My 10 year old used to hold my hand until it hurt in the mornings until halfway into 3rd grade. Now she is ready for anything. If you have the time and patience, stay with him or keep him back a year. Whatever you do, do not shame him or let others shame him for simply wanting to stay with the person that he feels safe with. Remember that children need to feel safe and scrutiny can make them feel both unsafe and very scared for simply being themselves.

Another example re trusting his behavior for what it is involves my eldest daughter in preschool. She hated it when I enrolled her the first year and cried any time I tried to leave. I literally stayed every session. It wasn't until she had the right teacher in the last year that she felt ok with my leaving after the first 20 minutes or so. My second daughter reacted the same way and I couldn't stand it anymore. I transferred her to a different school out of desperation and the change was amazing. Though she wasn't jumping with joy about my going, she certainly didn't cry or carry on and I felt fine going. The environment was much nicer and the rules were much less rigid. The teachers were superior to the other school and didn't need to set the same types of limits. Good luck.

Hi S.,
You said that the teacher is willing to try to help in this situation. I would ask her to pick 2 or 3 children in his class that he is friends with. Then you can arrange to drop him off where they are and hopefully they will start talking or playing and then you can tell him goodbye and take your leave. Perhaps if the children are there to distract him he will just go with them and start his day. I would be careful to not get him too attached to one child, a group is better. I would not tell the other children that the morning meeting is arranged. Also, he may not want to cry in front of his friends.

Another thought is to ask for an older child (a cousin perhaps) to talk with him and ask why he gets upset when you leave. Sometimes children tell other children more than they tell a parent.

Hope this helps.

I am a kindergarten teacher and each year I seem to have a child who cries and won't seem to let mom go. Several things have worked but it is different with each child. Sometimes it is best, even though it hurts, to just drop them off at the front door with the counselor and go. Sometimes, I have given the child a special morning job to help me so that the child feels special, important, and needed in the morning. I have had the counselor help with this also. THe counselor will greet the child and take him/her to do a job with her in the building and then bring the child to me. Usually by the time the child got to me, they were calm and ready for the day. If you are happy with the school and he seems to be too after he calms down, then I wouldn't pull him out because that may be more damaging for him to start all over in a new environment. I recently read somewhere that a fear and anxiety are common in children ages 4-7 so have some hope that next year will probably be much better!

Hi S.: I am not a therapist but although your child sounds like a totally normal healthy child, I would address the anxiety. It is real to him and sometimes children (and adults) do not know how to pinpoint the root cause and their emotions are an outward expression of something deep inside that is creating an insecurity. As a mother my thought is initially that something or someone is making him feel insecure at school. Yes they maybe an excellent school but perhaps the pressure to excel is overwhelming and creating a great anxiety in him. I personally think you need to somehow pinpoint the root cause. He probably does not even know. Perhaps even one class or one persons comments are pushing him over and let's face it a mother is a child's greatest sense of security. He does not sound like he has any problems but I highly encourage you not to ignore and somehow (either therapist, online suggestions, etc.) get to the bottom because if not handled it will show up later in life. I only say that from my own personal experiences. You are a good mother and it is wonderful that you are looking into it! I will pray for your precious son and ask that you find wisdom and the root cause! I hope I in no way offended and if I did please forgive me it is not my intent!

Dear S.,
I have been reading your dilemma and the replies of others. You and your husband seem to be very good parents. We all face challenges in life, until the day we die. I guess our greatest challenge as parents is to teach our children how to face the challenges in front of them. This involves teaching our children how to identify their own feelings and conflicts and then to articulate them. Once done, they can begin to look for solutions. Emotionally intelligent kids are by far the most successful in life. One of the best parenting books I have ever read is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman.

Look for it on Half.com. I have two sons, ages 22 and 18. They are great guys and great students of life. Know that your love and devotion will pay off.

Children seem to learn the art of manipulation very early. However, you say he does not act the same way at every event you need to leave him- is there a different procedure or things that go on that do not when you leave him at school?
My first thought was, dropping him off at a friend's- you might happen to talk with the other parent for a few minutes before leaving. Is there a chance you drop him off at school and run off to work? What would happen if you left for school earlier and stayed with him a bit to allow him to settle into the school environment well before school actually started? AND in the event this is manipulation, he might display a need for more and more time each morning. At which, you've "stated the rules (boundaries) and it does not make mommy happy to keep pushing. Pushing on these rules is unacceptable."

I don't really have time to read all the responses so if I am repeating anything I apologize. I just want you to know that I am a social worker and I used to work in an elementary school in the suburbs. Every year I would have one or two students in the same exact situation (usually gifted kids with no prior emotional problems)Just so you know, it is not uncommon and all the children did work it out and move on eventually.
What is probably happening is that your child becomes nervous/overwhelmed when he first gets to school (like many children do). He doesn't like the uncomfortable feeling and doesn't know what to do with it. He knows he doesn't feel that way with you so that is why he is clinging to you. Something that always helped was bringing the children in early so that they could have one on one time with me or the teacher first thing in the morning. He could help the teacher set up the classroom or just play a game with her. Drop him off, say goodbye and just go, don't linger, it makes the situation worse. Let the teacher comfort your child when you leave. The idea is for your child to establish a personal connection with an adult at school.
Ideally when he is calm at home, you can also try to teach him some coping skills to use when he starts to feel overwhelmed and anxious. Sit down with him and make a list of things that may make him feel better in the situation like deep breathing, self talk (telling himself "I can do this" "I know everything will be okay", distracting himself by thinking about something that he loves like Pokemon or Spiderman, (etc. think about things that you naturally do when you get nervous) Then have him take that list to school with him and if he does any of those things on that list, reward him. Eventually he will learn how to calm himself in the uncomfortable situation rather then turning to you. Hope this helps....

I had serious separation anxiety when I was a child too. I would go home from school early about 3 times a week. I was alwasy very afraid tht if I stayed there too long, I would be forgotten and no one would come pick me up. I started to see the school pyschologist. This must have helped becasue I do not remember this problem after elementarty school. If the school your son goes too does not offer counseling, then you might want to consider a private counselor. He may have underlying issues, like he heard someone say something about being left behind or something at school is scaring him. He just might not be able to express his feeling with you and your husband. An unbiased third party might be able to figure some of these things out for you. It seemed to have worked for me.

S., I'm not sure it will work for you but it's worth a shot! I went through a very similar experience with my daughter for YEARS. Eventually someone made this suggestion to me & we tried it & finally peace of mind for all involved:)
I cut the pocket out of my bathrobe and she carried it in her pants pocket. When she missed me or felt lonely all she had to do was reach into her pocket & 'feel' me. It truly did help in our case. Good luck & I wish I were subscribed to Mamasource well before now!

Dear S.,

I have been reading about your dilema with your son. I have been very much where you are. I havd a 6 and 10 year old and both of them went through this, especially the ten year old because at the time she was the only child. It was very difficult because we tried everything and it seemed to only get worse. The ten year old would physically get sick. I was at my end as a parent.

The answer to me came with prayer. I do not know your faith but mine is in Jesus and I simply cried out to Him for an answer because I had none. The answers I received are this and hopefully they will help you. There is some amount of manipulation from your son. He is a child and at that age are always trying to test boundries to see who is in control. However, God placed in each child a connection to their parents, especially the mother and it is very natural and as it should be for a child to want to be with their parents, to need to be. It is unfortunate that so many moms are unable to devote more of their time at this young age to them. With the presssures of the world today our children are often pushed into the world before each individual child is ready. I have fought this issue myself.

These are a few things we tried. First I had to relax. I was getting so upset each time it happened that it made my child more upset. Second, we had my husband take them to school and not me. The attachment, screaming, seemed to happen more with me then him. This did help. Daddy made it a fun and "special" morning time and I picked them up.
We also chose to reward them when the morning went well. They recieved special time with mommy, extra reading etc., my complete attention. But we had to make an effort not to get overly emotional and keep our cool. Finally, it may be a great school but look into all the areas of what is going on. Children are very discerning and although he may like the teacher something else could be going on, maybe a child or anther teacher or adult he has issues with.

I don't know if any of this helps but I can tell you what helped the most was prayer. And I will put your son is mine. Many blessings.

My son is now a adult but when he started Kindergarten we had the same problem. One mornikng at school I got fed up with his behavior, so I sat him in his desk and told him in no uncertain words that nothung interesting was going to happen at home while he was ay school. I had a job to do and that was go to work and he had a job to do and that was go to school. After that there was no more problems with going to schoool. M.

As a former elementary school counselor I am quite familiar with this type of situation. One of the most successful resolutions we found was to have someone other than the mother deliver the child to school. If the father is available at the appropriate time, it often worked well for him to do the delivering. That way, the parting from the mother occurs at home and the process is usually shortened significantly. A successful second option was to have a friend or neighbor drive the child to school.

I found that some seven-year-old boys, in particular, had what I called a "rubber band" relationship with their mothers. They were right on the edge of wanting to try to be more "grown up" and independent; but sometimes when they tried this there was a fearful reaction which pulled them back to their mother for safety and comfort. The child then suffered a period of lack of self-confidence which they didn't understand.

Also, if there is anything going on in the home which the child might interpret as tension or conflict, some children are reluctant to leave for the day because they fear something negative might happen in their absence. If there is a younger sibling who is not yet in school, there often is a sense of not wanting the sibling to have the full attention of the parent. A fear that the younger child might become more loved by the parents than the 7-year-old is a powerful feeling that may not be recognized as such by the child. Your child's saying that he feels you don't spend enough time with him could be a signal, if there is a younger child in the home.

You might want to try asking your son if he beleves his teacher likes him (rather than asking if he likes his teacher). He may be picking up on some inadvertent nonverbal feelings that the teacher has about his difficult behavior. If so, discuss his concerns with the teacher. Because she has indicated willingness to work with you on the problem, she will probably appreciate the new awareness and may talk with your child privately to reassure him.

Having served as a school counselor for 21 years and now being the retired grandmother of 2 grandsons, I offer you encouragement that your child is likely to move through this stage with no signs later in life that he had this struggle as a 7-year-old. In many, many cases with a few minor adjustments such as the ones I've offered here, he'll progress in a healthy way. However, if none of these ideas is successful or applicable in your situation, seeking professional assistance from a child psychologist could be a wise decision.

If you have questions I'd be happy to correspond with you as you cope with the situation.

S., I know this response is late, but I wanted to add - My seven-year-old, first-grader daughter also gets blue, sometimes weeply, and wants Mama many days when we get to school as well (though she doesn't have as extreme a reaction, going to principal's office etc. as you said your son does). I know a lot of posters here said there must be something wrong at school, and that certainly could be the case, but school isn't like a play date with one or a few friends -- it's easy to see why he might be happy to go off to a friend's house without you, whereas school would be much more overwhelming and has expectations of him that no play date has! And your school admittedly has high expectations. Can you volunteer in his classroom or even in the office of the school? Does the school welcome or discourage parental volunteering? I do volunteer work in my girl's school and seeing me in her class's computer lab (twice a month for an hour each time), arts program (once a month for an hour), parent-run holiday parties, etc. really seems to give her comfort and make her realize we are all connected to this often overwhelming place called school. Also, it's a pity your son's school does not have an in-house counselor or at least access to a counselor who works with kids this age -- can the school refer you to one? We worked with our school counselor as well as the teacher on some of our daughter's worries and it has made our daughter feel she has an extra support system, an adult she can turn to at school as well as her wonderful teacher. I hope your son is doing better already and most of all -- keep on doing things with your only child; it's not spoiling him to participate in reading or sports or crafts with him, (as long as you're not by his side every waking moment; the advice about a hobby he can do alone was great because kids do need to learn to be alone happily without piles of vidoe games). Still, enjoy time together now because all too soon he'll hit the age where he wants less and less to do with his parents--all kids do--so don't hesitate to be with him. He will get more independent with time, with hobbies, and just with maturity.

Has your son ever exibited this before? Seperation Anxiety is usually formed in the first year and half of life. At the same time the type of attachment is also formed with your child. If you have a secure attachment then your child might cry when you leave but stop very quickly and be happy on your return. If there is a unseure attachment then they might cry uncontrollably when you leave and upon your return. If there is and unsecure avoidant attachment they might cry uncontrollably upon you leaving and avoid you when you return. There are many more types of attachment scenarios and many different situations. YOu didn't seem to say if your son had a problem before at a younger age, so I assume that you had a secure attachment with him. (For you and all moms it is okay sometime to not have one, because their personality and other births of other children factor into this--I have three and they are very different)

Beyond this I do want to say that a secure attachment is easy to break but a difficult one is hard to fix. This is all supported by research.

What you haven't said is how you are handling how you leave him. You have to reassure him that leaving him is okay. You smile give hugs and say I love you and leave, but if you stick around that is telling him that it is not okay that you leave. A lot of Seperation Aniexty when it comes to school age is proven to be a part of how the parent reacts to the situation. In studies when the parent has changed their behavior when leaving and before school a lot of this reaction goes away.

If he never had seperation aniexty behond 18 months, you leave him with reassurance, and this is all of a sudden and out of no where I would look into what goes on during school. There is something else there if all these avenues have been investigated.

I could write much more--I have read a lot about seperation aniexty at many different ages and studied child development into my masters. I hope you find a fix or the cause. Good Luck.

Sounds like he does have a problem with the school I would check into it more it could be the teacher or a student that has caused this or something at the school.Iknow this is not good but I say it on TV the same thing happen to a child and the parents put a recorder in his back pack to record what was going on after they left their child and the teacher was being mean to him . Listen to your child something is wrong here because he will go other places with out you.

I wouldn't say ignore the behavior. How long has it been going on? My daughter had terrible SA for years. It did not stop until the 2nd grade. What everyone always told me and what did seem to work eventually.

I would start a routine every morning before we would get ready to go start with telling him first off that he is going to go to school and in such and such time (3 hours,example)then remind him every hour, that it is now two, and then one. From the one hour mark go to 45 mins, 30 mins and so on and then in the last ten minutes spend a few minutes with him telling him that he has to go to school and that you love him and will be able to see him (at home etc. Then) Talk with him all the way to school about what he thinks he might do that day or something exciting that you might do when he gets out of school.

When does the crying start?

Walk him to the door and give him a hug and a kiss and tell him you love him and remind him quick about what you talked about then leave.Leave quick and don't look back. And don't let him bring up any excuses for you to stay a few mins or etc..It is not time for him to argue or try and get you to keep hanging around!!

Even as strict as the school may be I really don't think that they could kick him out for it(That maybe something you should bring up to the school system?)and lawyer?)

It will break your heart over and over and you may leave in more tears than what your sons is! (I know I did many times!!) But it won't last forever and just may take a while. It will get better!!

Then when you see him again talk with him about how it went that morning good or bad and reassure him that it will get easier but that is the way it needs to be done until he is ok with going! then talk all about what a great or(bad) day he had and what all he did. My favorite thing is to ask What did you play, read, etc... and not just How was your day and what did you do!! Because most of the time they will say just played or read etc.. and then the conversation is closed>

Could someone else take him for a while? And let him know that such and such will be taken him because it doesn't go good when you take him! That may work also.

After reading some of the other responses I agree try and find out first if there is something going on with the school that he does not like. And then if not consider the other great ideas.

My daughter is 13 now, and yes she is also homeschooling. Her problem was fitting in socially, even though she was very well liked the other kids picked on her. I think it was a jealously thing. She was way smart and naturally pretty, she was her own person and some of the other kids were jealous of that. She is now in A student, and still has a few really good best friends in school.

I was not able to read through all the responses because there were so many, but I just had to let you know what I think!

It sounds like you are such great parents and are doing everything the best you can. When a child acts like that, especially when it is only at one place, it is a HUGE red flag that you need to pay attention to. It could be something as simple as the school being too hard on him and expecting too much, but the other possibilities are so horrible that you owe it to your son to be 100% sure that he isn't trying his best to tell you something worse it going on. I would hate for you to find out 5 years from now that someone was abusing him and you missed the red flags. If something is going on, he will probably not be able to tell you, so you should have him seen by a phycologist.

Bottom line, your child trusts you to protect him, and he is screaming to you with all his might that he does not feel safe/loved while he is at school. No matter what his issue is, it is NOT manipulation. School is not so important that you should ignore his concerns and force him to go anyway. If you have to, then stay every day for a week to help him adjust. Have him help you come up with a solution that makes you both happy.

He may be experiencing something at school, like a bully, or something that is making his school experience not so enjoyable. Like some of the other posts have stated, if it were true separation anxiety, he would display it any time he wasn't with you. You said he goes over to friends house fine. I would ask him directly if someone was being mean to him or hurting him at school and maybe take a day to go observe him at school.

It sounds like in my opinion, your son is a bit spoilt. Sometimes the kids have to just understand they have to go to school, after all he is already 7 not 4 which is the age some students go to school in other parts of the world! Sometimes too much attention and having their way can spoil them. I think more than school these habits have to be taught at home by the parents. Lessons on selflessnes, giving, thinking of others more than themselves, doing small chores at home, helping others etc. Practical deeds of kindness. Make it fun! It may be good to start giving him small amounts of study material( besides the one from school which is so little!) like reading on his own, writing the sentences he read, math sums, general knowledge Qns about the world, geography, science etc. very simple Qns that will motivate and stimulate him/his mind to ask Qns & be curious. Bring home documentaries from the library instead of seeing movies on weekdays( keep movies for weekends). I've tried simple science ones & Families around the world etc.
If there is no major problems he's facing at school then I guess there's nothing to worry about, the only thing is that he may be not wanting to do school work, or go according to the rules or whatever the teacher says. Listening to authority, may it be a parent or a teacher or an older sibling is very important for his future, to build his character. He has to learn respect for them, which can be taught at home.
Finally in everything there has to be moderation,to find a balance, not forgetting he's a kid. HE seems like a normal healthy kid who needs a little tough love!

I would take my kid out of that school. The fact that he does not react that way in other situation says that it is ONLY the school that makes him uncomfortable. The fact that he settles down is becuase he has resigned himself to being there. In the morning, every morning he is hoping that you wil listen to him & not take him there & not force that school on him. If you keep him there, no matter how fantastic the program seems to be, he will learn to hate school. Listen to him, he is trying to tell you that school does not work for him. after you get him out of there, then you may be able to get him to tell you why. Take him to counseling if you can't get him to tell you what happened, but above all else SHOW him that you are listening & take him out of there. I had to take mine out of his school(kindergarten) & learned after the fact that his teacher was MEAN to my kid.

S.,

Listen to your child. Yes, he maybe a good student, and it maybe a great school, but is it for your child? Maybe it is too rigorous for him. Does he get along with his teacher? You said he does well in class, but does he struggle to do well? Ask his teacher? Is there something/someone at the school that scares him or makes him nervous? There was a school that I wanted my kids to go to,but it was not a good fit for my child. I don't know where you live, but are the public schools not good enough for your child. Or maybe a different private school.
I have afriend who's daughter went through a similar experience, the counselor told her to keep the same routine every morning. It took about 5 months for her to get over her anxiety. She was also fine in every other situation as well.
Talk to the teacher first, if she/he says he is fine, it wouldn't hurt to call a counselor to see if they can help you. Good luck and just keep looking out for YOUR child. K.

Hi, S.,

I just read your post and imagine you probably have gotten many suggestions; since it's already been two months since your original posting.
I'm wondering if sending him on the bus (if it's offered) might help?

Another thought I have is that a friend or his "teacher" meets him at the car to avoid the whole routine he's in.

Hopefully you've found a solution that works by now.

A., mom to Antonio, 5
Maine

S.
My heart goes out to you. It is so hard to decide what is best for your child. I just wanted to share that I believe you hit the nail on the head when you said you may be giving him all your attention. I do believe that children need to be comfortable and secure in knowing that you are available however they are not always too be entertained by their parents. That just is not realistic or maybe just not helpful in the long run. They need to know they are loved and cared for but that the world does not revolve around them. Try giving him some alone time entertaining himself. I am sure it will not be easy and it may take a while. Be patient and consistant I think you are on to something. I do understand because my husband and myself have adopted two children and we went through something very similiar, both of our kids had a great amount of anxiety. It took time ( about 5 months) but as soon as we were consistant in the most loving of ways, we are way past that now. Good luck.

HI,
I know I'm coming late to the game here but let your son take a picture of you and his father to school with him and see if that helps.
L.

My daughter was the very same way as a baby to the point where she would turn blue and gasp for air. Praise the Lord two wonderful ladies at my church new exactly what to do. They took her away from me on many occasions just to let her know that they would bring her back and that she would be okay away from me. As an older child (8) she stills has some anxiety but near as much, our church and the wonderful children's minister has helped alot. I think the key is to take them to new places and allow them to socialize with you there first and then leave them on occasion, with supervision of course. It is hard but social skills are much more important than what we think, even we as adults are uncomfortable in a new situation. My daugther just stopped sucking her thumb and we used scripture to help and back it up, "With God All Things are possible" Mark 10:27, or "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I try to reinforce that God is always there even when I can't be, and that she can always turn to him.
I hope this helps some.
R

I went though this exact same thing with 2 of my three children. The oldest and the youngest. With the youngest I ended up taking her to my friends house and she took her to school for about a week then she was just fine. As for the oldest one we did the punishment thing and that worked with him but every child is different. It did take a week or 2 but it did end up working. She is now in the 2nd grade and doing just fine. We still have our days but the good day way out way the bad days.

It sounds like there is something seriously troubling happening to your son at school, whether it is with one of the other children or an adult. This is something you need to investigate immediately. Let your child know that he can tell you what's bothering him and that whatever it is, he won't be "in trouble" with you because of it. If he still won't tell you, you may need a counselor to talk with him.

P. B.

My grandson was having some similar problems and his teacher and my daughter and her husband involved him in developing a plan to help him in the morning. It was quite structured but simple and something he could depend on every day. Example: Each morning when arriving at school Sean will;
1. Hang up his coat and back pack in his cubby.
2. Give Mom/Dad (whomever was dropping him off) one hug and one kiss.
3. Blow two kisses through the classroom window.
4. Sit down in his seat.

For your 7 year old you could ask him to participate in planning steps that would help him with the drop off process. If he develops the plan, it may make it easier to follow. They had the plan written down with one copy in the car and one in his cubby so they could review it if he started to melt down. Sean doesn't handle change well and having a routine seemed to help him. We followed the plan on the few occasions that I dropped him off. It is a year later and he no longer seems to need the plan. Good luck. A caring Nana

My son went through the same thing when he started kindergarten last year. We went through some of the worst times with this. I had surgery that year and my son jumped out of the moving truck when my mother tried to take him to school.(she was backing out of the driveway) You go through the guilt, the tears, and then the anger. You can't help but to start getting irritated at them. It wasn't until my friend (who owns a daycare) suggested that I bring him to her house in the morning and drop him off with her that he stopped. Her husband brought her kids to school and said my son could go with him too. Kids are far more unlikely to throw a fit in front of another parent when your not around. The first couple of days were horrible. I went through the dramatic scene all over but at her house. Which was much easier. it was honeslty the hardest thing I had to do but I knew it was for his own good. She always said 5 minutes after I left he was fine and he never threw a fit for her husband at school. We did that for the rest of the year and this year I drop him off out front just like the other kids. I think bottom line if he's not acting out when he's in school then he must be doing the fits for your benefit. If your confident that nothing at school is happening to him I would try this. My son said he didn't like school too and it was an all day kindergarten that starts at 7:40 in the morning.

manipulation for certain....take away his favorite activity or t.v. or whatever he loves and do not give in and he'll shape up...I wouldn't do the principal thing...that's just more attention...

Hi, You say the school has strict rules and is an accelerated school, so I'm guessing they are more rigorous with their curriculum. Seven year olds need to have fun at school. This is their first year at all day school and they need to have fun while learning, so they will enjoy coming to school, they have a long way to go. I think you need to find a new school. Talk to your son or go in and observe him in class. The teacher may seem nice, but maybe it is not the right school for him. Go to other schools and observe and bring him with you. I don't believe your son is manipulating you, he is trying to tell you that something is wrong and you need to listen to his behavior and figure out what it is.

S.,
I had an issue with separation anxiety in the 3rd grade. It was only when I stayed with mt dad and step mom the night before. I would call my mom crying and complain of everything from stomachache to headaches.My parents were divorced and at my dad's "the grass was greener". My mom solved the Monday issue by making my dad bring me home on Sundays instead of allowing me to stay Sunday nights and bring me to school on Mondays. Maybe,your child is dealing with something he hasnt told you about. God bless, B.

I know most other posts have already said this, but I would be pretty worried about what was happening at school. As a mother of a child with an anxiety disorder I can tell you if it were true "separation anxiety" it would happen across the board on all drop offs, anywhere. The fact that it is isolated to one environment would be a red flag to me. As another said, I would dig pretty deep: school friends, lunch time, teacher conflict, too much sitting during the day, you said the curriculum is accelerated is it also interesting or could he bored? I would not let it go. I wish you the best of luck. These puzzles are so tricky to figure out!

Hello S.

I was a teacher of this age group and younger in London Engand, for many years. It is very common for a child to get upset when leaving a mother and the worst thing you can do is hang around or try to comfort them. What is your behaviour when this happens? Do you firmly smile and leave immediately ... or try to talk him out of being upset and promise him things, etc? I don't recommend this last!
;-)
I hope at time of reading things might have improved, if not, my suggestion is to arrange for someone else to drop him off at school - if possible friends that live nearby come and pick him up from home?? He may be much more relaxed when going off with a peer, and find it easier to go in when not leaving you.

If NOT he might have a probem with what goes on at school, maybe it's too strict or abusive! Can you stay a few days as a volunteer to see a little of what might be going on?

Remember he might be afraid something could happen to YOU also. Talk to him about his feelings, using stories etc as examples where he can say what he thinks the other boy is feeling or thinking or whats the characters are going to do next and why etc
This will give you insight. Keep it as light as you can.

Good Luck!

I started volunteering in my daughters class until she settled down and felt more secure.

Hi,
I too, has a son, that in Kindergarten had problems with seperation anxiety. I had been a home daycare provider and he had been with me from birth.
I also, as a child suffered from seperation anxiety, and the pediatrician told my mother that there is actually a term, "School Phobia", that effects numerous young children. My phobia followed me through middle school, where I started suffering from migraines and panic attacks. My mother and father went through the exact same thing with my middle sister. I was the baby.
They tried it all from being very strict, to being over-sympathetic. Nothing worked. I would start getting "sick" on Sunday evening, and my Dad jokingly called it Monday-itis...
I know looking back that I ws a prime canidate for counseling, because what it boiled down to, was seperation anxiety from my mom, and in the bof my head, I worried about not being able to get to her during the day.
I had my good days and bad, but it seemed that rewards for good weeks, and promises for a weekend treat, for getting through a great week at school worked much of the time. My mom also wrote me notes in my lunch box, and planned suprises for me in the afternoon...(Baking cookies with her, playing ball with my dad, etc) as little incentives to get me through the day. Most of all, looking back...I know now that my fears grew from a dysfunctional family, with my mother having a mental break-down, when I was little, and my father being an alcoholic. Although they were excellent parents, but not such great role models.
In the end, these days there are so many other resources than there were in my day...I'm 46.
My son't school offered counseling, teachers working with my husband and I and sometimes just a simple phone call home, helped so much.
Sorry this is long, but I hope it has helped you by giving you an insight to the trickle down effect that some children have, but some children are just destined not to like school, because it does not lend the comfort of home.
Stand firm. I wish my parents had made a commitment to that. In the end, they would keep me home, after I became hysterical, even trying to get me out of the door to school. TOday, I suffer from depression, but thank GOD, my children excelled in school, were in the gifted program, and I found keeping them busy all the time was in the end, the best "cure".
Hope I have helped some. Good luck and I will be praying for you and your son.
K. S.

unlike others i have not experienced this as a mother but I am the child who went through this some 23 yrs ago.

Fortunately my mother and i have had the chance to reflect back on this time and how hard it was for both of us. In hind site it all started to manifest itself in the 2nd grade but it hit a peak in the 3rd grade. at it’s peak there was daily fighting/refusing to go to school. it was the first way i ever showed publicly how i felt with lots of noise, truly out of character even to this day. as small as that might seem it was an important part of my existance. the tantrams in the school hallways, principals office, entry way of school wasn't by choice it was totally out of control in my tiny little head. it was humiliating, it was embarrassing, and i wished so bad i could make it stop. i didn't feel capable. i have vivid memories of my principal pulling me away from my tight hold on my mom. with my arms spread and screaming. my words were always expressing how i couldn't be there and i was so sick, i was going to throw up.

in time it worked it's way through me and the process gave me perspective on how to fit in with society. let's face it, life isn't always what we'd like it to be but knowing we are capable of surviving the tough times gives you a level of confidence we all need to thrive in life

now i am a mother of 2 toddlers and have been humbled by the strength it takes to be a mother. so much to learn and yet the common goal in it all remains so simple. We simply need to express our love with a gentle firmness. the most important thing i gained through this hard time is that no matter what; i knew my mother loved me. all though she never cried in front of me i felt the pain it caused her in how she talked to me and held me during those times.

so.....advice....i don't really have anything concrete but i hope this personal story can give you some unique insight to a similar situation that you may find helpful.

i wish you and your child the best!

Have you tried going in to observe his classroom in the morning (or any other time)? There may be some other trigger at school that he is just not able to put into words (i.e. someone teasing him, conflicts with the teacher, etc.). A good teacher will welcome any parent into her/his room. I would also ask the teacher if there are any adnormal things she sees in the classroom.