Do You Wish Your Parents Were More Strict?

No my parents were so over strict and controlling when I became an adult I made a lot of bad decisions because I had no life experience. I was lonely as a kid because I wasn't allowed friends. As an adult I let anyone be my friend. I was taken advantage of and then dropped.
I was forced to be around people who disrespected me and my feelings as a kid. It has taken me a long time to realize I deserve respect and dignity.

My parents were not strict. They were lenient in many ways related to boundaries. There were very few rules. We were expected to be kind, honest, and to do whatever parents asked us. I found my niche (housekeeping, cooking) and was/am successful. I was praised. My grandparents were strict. (I stayed with them a month every summer. ) they balanced strict with loving attention.

My brothers were not so lucky. Very little praise and no way to earn it. They are floundering still.

More rules/punishment, being more strict would not have helped. I wish they had had better boundaries. I didn't know what boundaries were well into my twenties. Then the concept was elusive.

No. My parents were strict which I was okay with for the most part. What I wasn't okay with were the obvious difference in rules between me and my brothers when I was a teen. They weren't abusive and I still am pretty close with my parents but that will always bother me and it's something I try not to repeat with my kids.

Part of parenting a teen is letting them make choices and learning from their mistakes. Think of parenting like driving in a car. It is a progressive scenario.

1 - When a child is a baby, the parent is driving and baby is strapped into a harness in the back. They require their lives to be scheduled and have constant parental care. All choices are made for them.

2 - As the child grows, they go from baby seat, to toddler seat, to booster, to seatbelt. They get to make some choices while under supervision, a little more every year.

3 - Around age 12, the kid can sit up front in the passenger seat. The parent is still driving, but the kid starts to be exposed to more things with looser parental involvement.

4 - Not long after that, the teen is in the driver's seat with a parent riding along as the passenger. Mom or dad guides and gives suggestions, but force grabbing the wheel or pushing the kid out of the way is not how they learn.

5 - Once licenced, the teen drives solo. They have to be able to make decisions without a parent watching all the time. Sometimes the choices are good. Sometimes the choices are mistakes and they have to learn to deal with the fallout. This is how they learn and grow into adulthood.

If you chose to stay up reading at night, or you chose to disobey the tech rules just because you could get away with it, that's on You. Had your parents been watching you 24/7 with the reason "for your own good" it is likely that you'd have rebelled and pushed back whenever you could. Today, you might be blaming them for being too controlling and not letting you grow as a person.

If you were a picky eater as a kid, no good would have come out of being force-fed by your parents. Adults typically don't *have* to eat stuff they don't like. That is also a choice that you need to make for yourself. You can either eat a little because you want to try it, or you can simply say "No, thank you." when offered something you do not want.

I imagine if your parents were stricter you would be now be complaining that they were TOO strict, right?
Besides, some things you need to learn for yourself. You learned that by staying up late you lost sleep. You learned that trying new foods has social value.
Parents can tell their kids all kinds of things or force them to do things that may or may not be important down the road but I think "good" parents understand that experience is the best teacher.

There is no one 'right' fits-all-situations for this.
You want the Baby Bear choice.
Not too hard (Papa Bear) and not too soft (Mama Bear) - you want it JUST right (Baby Bear!)!
Some kids need more structure while others don't.
Too much freedom has some kids running wild while too much strictness causes major rebellions in other kids.
Issuing major punishments for even minor infractions is just as bad as having no boundaries what so ever.
The parents shape the child but at the same time - infants don't come with instruction manuals - the child trains up the parents.
We all fly by the seat of our pants!

So let me see if I understand, you doing things behind your parent's back has harmed you as an adult? More so it is your parents fault for not staying up all night checking on you? Are you crazy? Grow up and take responsibility for the adult you are. If you want to try new foods, try them! Don't blame your parents because you don't want to eat your veggies!

Being a good parent is meeting your child's needs, not their wants. Clearly you think mind reading is necessary to be a good parent.

No. It is important to teach and to have expectations, but it is equally important not to be too strict.

It's hard to tell from just one paragraph, but it sounds like your parents really tried to teach you and to give you boundaries. If they had pushed much harder, you might not have learned anything. Parents who are too strict have children that either just do everything they are told to do and cannot wait to leave the house where there are no rules and have no clue how to cope with total freedom and end up really screwing up for awhile OR they have children who spend all their energy finding ways around their parents strict rules.

It's a balancing act. You have to have enough expectations, but it is very possible to go too far and actually cause more harm than good.

No.

I think giving your kids the tools, guidance, love and support is all you can do. Or that's what i hope to do.

By 'strict' do you mean more vigilant? Do you mean they should have come and checked on you to make sure you'd turned off the light?

I mean, I only go so far in that. Whey were little (and I love the car/seat belt analogy below) I was more attentive and put more time into monitoring what they were doing, following up and making sure they were getting what they needed (sleep, diet, etc.).

But by the time they are teens - I just say "You'll get scurvy if you don't eat some form of nutrition today". I provide it - but I don't hover and say "try this, and this.." no. Once they know what they are supposed to do (expectations) and know they are responsible for it (maturity) then I leave them to it.

If they were to go way off the rails, I'd step in because either I wasn't clear about what I expected or they weren't mature enough to handle it. I'd revise my expectations. Me forcing them to do something they weren't ready or didn't want to do is futile.

Hope that answered the question - I tend to think strict means inflexible. Which I don't think has a place in families.

EAT: I like Beaver Canoe's comment about her parents were strict about behavior. Same. My parents were also. I tend to think we are more so here than at some other houses my kids go to. I just am firm on that, and so is my husband.

My parents were strict about behaviour, but not strict about bedtimes and curfews. As long as I was capable of making good decisions and behaving appropriately I was rewarded with the freedom to make my own decisions. I appreciate being given the opportunity to take risks and make mistakes and learn from them while I was still safe at home, rather than have my parents control me until I was on my own to make my own decisions.

No, not really. My parents didn't have to be very strict with me...I just wanted to do what pleased them. I was pretty easy. This was before people had computers or internet. I liked to read and draw for fun. I didn't want to go out until college...so I never wanted to stay out later with friends. I liked all food and still like all food...not picky at all. My mom had a boyfriend who lived with us for 7 years who was too strict...he was a total a**hole. So...from that experience I roll my eyes are really strict parents. There is something about it that I find offensive. My husband and I are just normal...we are not permissive or strict. Our kids get consequences if they are being bad...but we also try to get them to think about their actions and choose the right thing to do in life. I think people want to look back at how they were parented and blame their parents for how they turned out. And you know what? I think that is totally wrong. You are in total control over the type of person you are in life. Starting now, you can begin eating more kinds of foods if you are picky. Make yourself. You can get a degree starting now. You can start learning or re-learning an instrument and practice more right now! You are not too old to be the person you wish you were. So, my answer is, no, I do not think being strict is a good way to parent. I think being a good parent is helping guide your child to be the kind of adult who can make their own choices, be independent, try at things and not give up too easily, be kind to others, etc.

I wish a lot of things. I wish that I had not grown up in poverty. I wish that domestic violence had not been a part of my childhood. I wish that my mother had not died when I was 17 and I wish that my father was not toxic. If wishes were horses, then beggers would ride...

My parents did a lot of stuff badly when I was growing up. Some of the things that they were strict on were just overkill. I think that I learned more about what NOT to do as a parent from them. That said, everything that happened made me into the person that I am today...flaws and all. I try to cherry-pick from my childhood and do the things that I think were good and effective. The other stuff, I choose to do differently. You can wish that your parents did something differently, but you are an adult now. You and only you are responsible for what happens from now on out. If you feel that they made a mistake, then correct it within yourself and how you parent your own children.

No. Being very strict means you are making all the decisions instead of raising someone who can look at a situation and figure out the best decision to make. You can't be around your child all the time. He/she will need to learn the life skills to be a happy, healthy, productive person once they reach adulthood. Childhood is where you get to test things out and figure out what works and what doesn't.

I'm a firm believer in moderation. You have to find that fine line somewhere between being too strict and too lenient. I have a few hard and fast rules that my son knows he can't go around, but in many areas I give him choices so he feels like he has some control over what he does. Learning to make choices and seeing the consequences is part of the growing up process, in my opinion.

When it comes to my parents, my mother was, like me, somewhere in the middle and my father leaned towards being more strict. I recall on vacations he would force us to memorize poetry, which we all hated. I can appreciate now what he was trying to accomplish, but I still hate poetry to this day. On the other hand, he would give us a list of books to choose from for summer reading and - because I had a choice - I discovered some wonderful books to read. Unlike poetry, I still love reading books, both fiction and non-fiction. I'm not sure I would love it so much if I'd been forced to read certain ones that I might not have enjoyed.

On the flip side, I know some kids who are being raised far too leniently these days and I'm worried they're in for a terrible shock when they get to college or out into the working world. One of my friend's kids absolutely cannot take "no" for an answer. She and her husband seem to think it's an admirable quality, but I often find dealing with these kids very difficult. I can't imagine how an employer is going to cope with them in the future.

No, I don't think the same as you about my parents.

You have what's called 20/20 hindsight. Life just isn't as simple as you are trying to pigeonhole it in when you make it sound like your life would be hunky-dory if your parents had been more strict. It doesn't work that way.

Being authoritarian, too strict, inflexible can really backfire. If they had been too strict with you, you may have rebelled a great deal more than you did.

What do you think teaching you to eat things you didn't like really would have amounted to? What most parents find is that trying to force a child to eat food they don't like just causes eating problems. You can offer good choices without demanding that children eat foods they hate. I couldn't eat broccoli when I was a child. I learned to in college. My tastebuds matured. I STILL won't eat collard greens or brussel sprouts. Why would my parents be considered to be "better parents" if they had made me eat them?

What I see in your post is that you are blaming your parents because you didn't turn out the way you wish you had. It's YOUR responsibility to make the best of yourself as an adult and not blame your parents for collective imperfections.

There are no perfect parents. Parents do the best they can when they can but they are just as human as you are.

Instead of looking at how your parents raised you and where you feel as though they fell short why not look in the mirror at yourself. Now that you know better for yourself, you can do better for yourself which has nothing to do with your parents or their parenting.

Unfortunately the clock can't be rolled back. What was, just was. Today is the present each of us are given daily to become better and do better.

It is too easy to blame another for why we fall short in any area but I believe the better thing to consider is how I can be better in spite of what I've been through.

How do you know that your parents didn't know you were staying up reading or using the Internet wrong?

My kid stays up reading past bedtime a lot (gasp!). I'm well aware of this. I "let" it happen because 1) if this is going to fill his need for independence and rebelliousness..well..could it be more docile, and 2) it gives me the opportunity to say to him...'wow...you look tired.are you gonna be able to make it through today?" I figure by the 100th time he will make a connection that staying up late makes you tired.

Same thing with Internet use..I try to let my children make 'set up' mistakes knowing they are easily fixable and the lesson easily taught. I want them to build up safe experiences to fall back on when the bigger problems happen.

Also, I think communication following discipline is just as important. Talking to your child about what happened, why this is not a good idea and what are the choices to solve it?And then let them follow up on it to see if it was a good choice or not.

Teens have a lot more power then toddlers...so to "push" a teen is usually counterproductive. Honestly...go back as a teen and have your parents force you to eat something...without your current hindsight...how would the outcome be different?

My parents were people with lots baggage,limitations, and their own wants. They did the best they could with what they had. It's my job to take what they taught me and improve upon it and personalize it for my own generation of child rearing.

One last thing...I think about the issues my parents were dealing with at my childhood age stages....job loss, job changes, sick parents, menopause, maleopause....well they had stuff going on too....

I'm glad you think your parents did a good job!

ETA: I have to wonder is this for a paper or something?

ETA: I have heard of families who pushed or steered their children into a specific path and it did not end well. One student wanted to be say a lawyer and his father insisted on him becoming a doctor because he was a doctor. Son got his medical license and practiced for a very short time and did what he wanted to do. He does not speak to his father who ruined many of the son's friendships in school.

Your parents cannot push you into anything. They can "suggest" things. It is up to the individual as to whether they take the advice or not. They are in charge of their destiny. You cannot blame your parents for your outcome. Haven't you heard the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"?

Original: No, I don't wish they were more strict. They came up during the Great Depression and things were different back then. People didn't have much in materialistic things and corporal punishment was the thing of the day.

My parents were not overly strict or overly lenient it was a mix in the middle. I learned through many consequences of not listening -- similar to the post about the girl disobeying her dad and getting hit it the face (not like that though). They poured a lot of self-reliance into me as my mom was very ill and I had to be come self-sufficient in life to survive. My dad also passed in my early years so I had no one to keep me on the straight and narrow. My aunt was a real pill to take she was "in love" with another niece that she thought could do no wrong but did many, many things (another long novel).

Fast forward to my children who are probably your ages now. My son was the high strung one. I had to keep a tight reign on him or he would be all over the place -- too much and he would do wrong; too little and he would do wrong. I used the metaphor of a race horse and the jockey to keep him going. My daughter was the complete opposite. As she states she saw what we had to do with him and she decided that was not the way to go and did not. She did have her moments but they were when she was a late teen and knew right from wrong about some situations. I told her once she was grounded for a situation and she told me that she grounded herself because it was the most horrible night she had ever had.

Both have turned out well. Son has a son and he repeated to me the phrase I would say to him as a young youth, 'If you play you will pay." So he knew what his responsibilities would be to this child who is now almost 19. He was in the Army at the time all this went down. Now he is a journeyman electrician so we as parents didn't do too badly. Daughter lives in an apartment in a large city and is self-sufficient and thriving. She has not settled for any man just to have a man. I have mentioned to her not to settle for a man just to have one. So she is like the Facebook post of a smart strong independent woman wanting a man but the men are not ready for that.

To wrap us my post, no matter what or how your parents brought you up, it is up to you to take the ball and run with it. You use what have been taught to move forward and you learn by your mistakes of what not to do in the future. Trial and error are what we all do in this world to make it and we take the good and discard the bad. I concur with B and Jill about parenting.

Good luck to you and yours.

the other S.

PS "Now, Jimmy the stove is hot so don't touch it." Jimmy touches the stove and screams in pain but he learned a lesson -- listen to mom and not burn your hand or fingers. Some children have to test and touch in order to understand while others can not touch and understand the warning that the stove is hot and do not touch.

i think my parents did a good job of being strict enough to keep me in line. right after i turned 21 they let me go thru the phase of bar hopping (and i always knew that i could call mom for a ride if i didn't have a designated driver) but that didn't last long. i decided that the bar life was not for me and cleaned up my act, graduated college and married my hubby. now 10 years later i have a 4 and a 5 yr old and have respect for the level of strictness that my parents had and try to have that same level.

My first thought to this was, "No, they couldn't be anymore strict". You did get me to thinking a bit.

I think a lot about what my dad could have been and strict is the least of my worries. [end]

My mother did the best she could to the best of her abilities. I believe in choose your battles and there some things she likely just said, "Whatever" to. She was strict, strong, and stern. I worked while I went to school. There were days I just chose not to go to school. She let that happen. Today, I think she just had a little bit of mercy on me, realizing I was tired and can only do so much.

The bottom line is I am happy with what she provided me in discipline.

There's a wonderful response from Jill below about the stages in a parent-child relationship. Please read it a couple of times.

My parents were very strict with me, from academics (constant criticism despite my high grades) to social freedom (I wasn't allowed to do very much at all outside of school-sanctioned activities). There was no TV allowed at all on school nights, even if there was a science special assigned by the teacher. There was corporal punishment (spanking) well past the age when, even in those days, it was considered acceptable.

There was no flexibility whatsoever, so I never learned to make decisions on simpler things, as practice for more difficult ones. I learned to sneak around (as you did, with reading at night) and to lie to avoid getting spanked. Personally, I think reading is a good thing, and it's not a terrible way to defy one's parents. (I did it, and I don't think it was awful, but I also accept that it was my choice.) But I don't think it's fair to blame them for not being more vigilant and catching me (or you) to make the behavior stop. Trying new foods? It's very well documented that turning meals into a battleground is a recipe for failure - and it results in kids being force-fed, which either causes resentment, unpleasant dinner hours and, in extreme cases, eating disorders.

So, no, I don't think excessive strictness has been shown to be effective parenting. I know kids who have either had everything done for them or who have been dictated to constantly - and when they go off to college or the working world, they can't function on their own. My son's roommate, a great kid with great parents, had no idea how trash and recycling got from the third floor dorm room to the first floor collection center (Um, you take a little downstairs with you each time) and he never used an ATM machine until close to graduation because his mother would drive 3 hours each way to bring him cash. That's the over-protective side. On the other hand, I had been told "no" my whole life, so when I went to college, I said "yes" to a lot of things - staying up late, skipping class, dating people I shouldn't have, and so on. My son was a pretty picky eater for his whole life, but when he went to summer camp and then to college, he tried more things because everyone else was and because it was about HIM and not what he thought his parents wanted. When he got a job and started to go out with other adults and to travel, he expanded his palate immensely. He never resented us for not forcing him to eat sushi or artichokes. And he's proud of the steps he has taken on his own.

So the same philosophy that lets a teen make her own decision to read under the covers or decide whether or not to eat peas also lets her understand that having choices means accepting responsibility. My stepdaughter didn't study very hard in high school and didn't have terrific grades. She went to a state college and said she found the work pretty easy - she said she wished she'd studied harder so she could be making Cs at a top tier college where she was challenged instead of making As at a lower-level school with lower expectations. Did we nag her to study - yes, to a degree, but then we laid it out for her that this was something in her hands. We could sit over her and restrict her from doing anything else, sure, but we couldn't very well force the book-learning into her brain. So it was on her. She learned a lesson here - that she's capable of disciplining herself and making her way in the world. Now she has a good job with several promotions under her belt.

So, had your parents been more strict, you'd probably have fewer skills than you actually do. Okay, you don't go to bed early - that's not a genetic determination, it's a habit, and one that can be changed. Trying new foods - you don't have to order an expensive meal to see how that works, you can just go to a buffet restaurant or even one of those higher-end supermarkets with amazing buffets. Just take a few samples and see what you like. Don't give up on the first try - maybe you don't like cauliflower, or maybe you just don't like it if it's bland or spicy. Go to a farmers market and try one new food, and ask the seller for a recipe or two.

So - step up to the plate, don't blame your parents for everything. You're old enough to start to step out of their shadow - their good points and their bad points - and make your own way. I think as you get older, you'll gain more experiences and have a better perspective on parenting. There's no perfect way. We all do the best we can, and there is no user's manual that comes home from the hospital with a child. You'll be happier when you accept that and we you swap some blame for some responsibility.

My parents weren't strict at all. They left it up to me to complete school assignments, projects, study for finals, etc. At the same time, maybe they weren't strict with me because they knew I would take care of school work (I was one of those very responsible kids). I also watched all the TV I wanted to and played all the videogames I wanted to. I basically controlled my own schedule - I would decide when to play vs. getting work done. This was since elementary school.

This is not to say that I wasn't involved in extracurricular activities. Two things I did consistently were once a week piano lessons plus practicing everyday and 2-3 times per week of ballet classes until I entered high school. I also took art classes, swim lessons, and dabbled in violin for a short time. In high school, I took SAT classes.

My mom did push me into playing the piano and I wish she hadn't. I didn't enjoy it at all. Being forced to do it took the joy out of it. It basically backfired and I had no desire to touch the piano for over a decade after I quit. Only now (in my mid-30s), I wish I kept up with it.

My parents weren't very strict with behavior either, but I think that they weren't because I was generally well-behaved. I rarely got in trouble.

The one area I wish my parents were more strict was with studying for the SATs in high school. Maybe I could've gotten into a better school if they had.

I think the best way to parent is to be consistent and adjust the parenting style to match the child's needs and personality. It amazes how different each child can be even when born from the same parents and grow up in the same household with same values -- I see it everyday in my two kids.

My parents did it just about perfectly. I wish I had listened and better followed their advice.

No, "very strict" is not a good way to parent.

I wish my parents had been more involved, not more strict. And part of their being involved would have been to push me harder.