Do the Teen Years Have to Be Awful?

I've got three teenagers. 19 and 17 yo boys, and a nearly 15 yo daughter. I must've just gotten lucky because I do not have any issues whatsoever. They were a joy when they were babies, they're a joy now.

:)

No, they don't have to be awful years. I have a happy, respectful, responsible teen boy, and I am loving these years so far. He is only 14, so we've only just begun, but we're off to a good start. I teach high school, though. I love teenagers! :)

They do not have to be awful but there will be emotional issues and crazy moments and HUGE mistakes.

HAVE to be? No.

They won't be perfect, but except for a few hiccups, we are less than 6 months from seeing kid #2 to 18 without major trauma. Sure, they both still do things that annoy us (SS almost got himself treated like an intruder one night when he hadn't said he was coming home and SD is still learning that not detailing her plans leads to things like embarrassing her with friends because we call their parents...) but overall we don't have the high-intensity, slamming doors, screaming fits type home and that's held true through the teen years. I don't know if we got off lucky or we made our own luck. I know that some of my own turbulent teens was due to family problems. SS has come to us describing his friends' homes and said, "Thank you" for not being those parents. We're just normal people. The kids eat dinner with us almost every night they are here. We trust them when they earn it. Reel them in when they need it. Make them do some chores, and do more than watch TV all day.

I think that your daughter has a good POV for her friends' situations and I think that she's unlikely to go off the deep end. I would expect her to make mistakes. But I think if you don't have the high drama relationship, you have a good chance of keeping it that way.

I will say that 15-16 was hard (they go through a black and white phase) and 17+ gets better.

Just an observation... but I've noticed those who expect the teen years to be awful, talk disrespectedly to their teens (and all teens in general) and go on and on about "spoiling the nest" tend to be those whose teens are nightmares. Ditto... it tends to be more common amongst parents who are authoritarian and *esp* those who are more strict and demanding on the young adults in their house than the little kids. The little kids are given responsibilities, but the older ones aren't given any. Just demands.

Meanwhile those parents who shift hears into a more mentorship position with respect that goes in each direction tend to have great relationships through the young adult years.

Is this true in all cases? Course not. Just what I've noticed.

There are some pretty awesome teen kids out there. I have a 16 & 14 year old, and in less than 3 months they both will be a year older... My daughter is the oldest and I've had the most problems with her. My son, has always been pretty well behaved child, except he loves picking on his sibling (normal, but does drives me crazy).

I think having an open communication line is the best. I think I had the most problems with my daughter between 7-9th grade and by 9th grade getting a lot better. She sort of got a little out of hand, she realizes it now, but nothing as bad as other kids I've seen. My husband is straight out honest with the kids about everything. He was really bad, they know it and he always tells them, that they cannot do anything that he hasn't already done. I've been pretty honest about the mistakes I've made too, hoping they don't repeat them. I use to say, my child wouldn't do that, and my husband always told me not to be so gullible. My daughter has surprised me a few times. There are some things I still know they wouldn't do and I would back my kids up if I heard someone say they did. I remember being that age, and I had a good relationship with my parents, I did wallow out a bit when I got to college.

I used to go out on the weekends, just driving around with friends "cruising" from one McDonald's to the other. Which my kids think is lame... but that's what we did. My daughter barely ever goes out on Friday/Saturday nights, maybe to a high school ball game, but most of the time, nothing. My son is more involved with sports, but he doesn't do anything crazy either.

I have to admit, I was pretty proud of him a few weeks ago, when he said something and made me feel like a bad person for saying it. I was driving his girl "friend", (they won't admit it) and him to another kids house to work on a school project, well the sun was in my eyes and I pulled out on the street and almost got hit... A swear word came out of my mouth. We dropped his girlfriend off, he had to get his stuff (I'd picked him up from the gym) so when we were driving home, he said, that was rude to cuss in front of a lady. I was like, come on, I know you've said a cuss word before. He was like "NO", I don't swear Mom. Got me thinking, I've never heard him swear, so later on, I asked his sister. Does your brother cuss. She was like, NO he doesn't, even her cousin and her were trying to get him to cuss and he wouldn't. I was proud of him, that I must have raised him pretty well, but ashamed of myself for not being a better example.

So teen years aren't always bad...

No, the teen years do not have to be awful. Much depends on the effectiveness of parenting during the early years and how disruptive the teens hormones become. Sounds like you've built a good foundation and will likely continue to have a good relationship and teen behavior.

Teens need to learn how to handle independence. By allowing her to make decisions and guide her in making choices you can avoid the out and out rebellion.

I believe that MOST teens really are pretty good. Sure they get more emotional at times, especially the girls. The Boys can shut down and not be as cuddly and open as they used to be when younger. This can worry parents.

Our daughter had her moments of frustration or being scared or concerned. But she knew not to take it out on us. She learned to try to share it with us. We also tried not to always solve her problems, but to help her figure out how to solve these situations on her own.. She is now known as a problem solver in college and at work..

We also "allowed her to fail" every once in a while and then we modeled failures. We admitted them, we also admitted disappointments. We felt like she needed to experience real life while she was with us, because we knew we were not always going to be around to save her.

As long as parents allow their children to be open and honest without flipping out, I think their teens will share their feelings, needs and fears with their parents.. more than the kids that their parents are so strict.

I got the feeling the girl that ranted on her facebook has the same personality of her father. Hot head. I wonder where she learned this?

Can you imagine having to hear his story about leaving his parents home at 15 and attending high school and college at the same time. blah, blah, blah? Who could put up with his puffed up self? I am assuming no one can live up to his ideas of his own greatness.

If they had an open communication, with parents that told her what she WAS doing right instead of demanding behaviors and only noticing and commenting on her failures.. I bet this would have ended differently..

And I am sorry, but who really thinks taking a gun to a laptop is good parenting? Is this what you want to model for your children?

How about taking the laptop and donating it to charity? Or having your child earn the money to purchase it back?

Being a hot head and then being shocked that your child is a hot head, is not a stable person and does not lead to a happy family.

I don't have girls . . . two boys, 17 & 14, soon to be 18 & 15. So far so good. My kids sound alot like your daughter.

We do spend alot of time together and I think that helps tremendously.

Of course things happen - I get that. But parents can and do make a difference imho.

I think it is a delicate balance between how the child acts, and how the parents treat them. Not all teens rebel. Many rebel because their parents push them to that point. Many rebel just because they want to have fun or because their parents don't care enough to say or do anything. And many teens who do rebel, it only lasts few years and they can grow up to still be amazing people.

It doesn't have to, but many times we have our days.
It really is a difficult stage, for both of us.
I have to learn and decide how much and when, always looking for what "I think" is the best, which sometimes I am wrong too.
My daughter is a good kid, a lot better then what I use to be at her age, I can't take credit for all, like she doesn't use make up, she doesn't wear short clothes, she decide that WOW!
At her age I was having a fight with my mom because she didn't understood me, lol.
But there are the times where things still get ugly. I don't know if it really is away to go through these years intact.
But, I think that keeping communication AND know when to shut up (me too) , Build strong foundation also helps but is never to late to try, respect. boundaries. trust, etc.
It sounds easy on paper but not everyday is as easy, it takes work from both sides and patience .

My daughter is 17 and we have been through a couple of rough spots which did not last long.

Overall, she is very dedicated to her school work, cheerleading and has some pretty specific goals she is working toward. She is currently looking at colleges and deciding where she wants to go.

We've never had an issue with her disrespecting curfew, house rules, etc. We are very proud of her and her accomplishments so far and I know she will do well as she gets older.

We are very open with communication and always have been. She talks to me about how some girls are sneaking alcohol, etc and if she is around someone who makes a bad choice, she removes herself from the situation and has no qualms about telling someone why.

My personal opinion is that the bad behavior doesn't come from out of left field in a home where the child loves and respects parents who love and respect the child, have always been firm on not allowing disrespectful behavior and who remain close with their kids. I have so many wonderful teenagers in my extended family, all raised that way, firmly and lovingly. I think a child's personality is pretty set by 14 and 15, and from then on, you can support them successfully and start setting them free, but rarely turn them around if they've become out of control. I had tough teen years, but when I was older (teen years-my parents were GREAT when I was very small), my parents didn't support my interests and individuality well and some other stuff. No biggie, we get along now and I understand and respect what they tried to do, but if we had the types of relationships I see succeeding with other kids, I feel confident ours would have been better too. Take one day at a time and keep the communication open. It sounds to me like you don't need to worry about a sudden about face on her part. Good work!

I really just depends on the child. Our oldest was always the kind that needed a lot of attention. His senior year was very stressful for all of us with some of the bad choices he made. But our youngest who is now almost 18 has always been easy. When he was a baby, people would ask me if he ever cried. He has never given us any trouble and is very responsible. The worst behavior he has displayed is a rare rude comment.

It sounds like you're off to an AMAZING start to her teen years! Congrats! I agree that the relationship with the parents sets the tone. I think sometimes society sets the stage for terrible teens. If we EXPECT children to behave poorly then we shouldn't be surprised when they DO behave poorly. You on the other hand have expected your children to behave appropriately and waalaa you have well-behaved, balanced children.

Getting off my soapbox now, she'll probably hit some bumps in the road like everyone needs to. But if she's got a good head on her shoulders it'll be less likely that those mistakes are gigantic. Do what you can to continue having a close relationship with her. Sadly it's time to slowly evolve to being a friend too. My parents never figured that out and only want to parent when sometimes I just want(ed) a friend's advice. Your hubby and you need to pat yourselves on the back and start tutoring other parents :P

Teens aren't awful as long as you start the discipline when they are 2 or 3 not 12 or 13...
The guy shot his daughter's laptop because he was following through on his threat. He told her that if she ever did anything like that again, he was going to put a bullet through her laptop. She did and he did. Good for him.
I don't think his daughter is a bad kid. I think she is a bit spoiled and he's going to take care of that.
My children have one job - to get As on their report cards. In the summer, they are at camp or helping out at other camps. I expect them to get their dirty laundry into the hamper. I expect them to keep their rooms picked up as much as they can -- sometimes this is not possible, and I take over. I'm home. I have time to do all of that!
Obviously, that dad and mom both work and they need her to help more around the house. She resented it. She's finding out what happens when one disrespects the adults in her family, I'm sure...
My daughter gets hormonal, but it's to be expected. I call her on it, hand her an Advil, and wait for it to kick in. :-) My oldest is in college - we had more arguments with him (teen boys have pretzel logic, don't think things through, and are basically socially clueless) than we ever have with her -- she figured out what not to try to get away with -- smart girl.
My daughter is very involved in school activities and she's smart, funny, talented, opinionated, and an all around great kid. We are a very close family. We take each day and situation as it comes.
I think the busier they are, the less likely they are to rebel -- they just don't have time.
LBC

I want to read all your responses too, because we too, have a child very similar to what you describe in your daughter. Our son is almost 14. And we also have been complimented his entire life about his behavior and respectfulness. Yes, there have been the rare instance here or there, and he learned from them (we always hope anyway, right? lol). By and large, he does chores without complaint, keeps his room sortof picked up (this has been a struggle his whole life, but he is better now than he ever has been), and we LIKE him. :) He is funny and sweet and still hugs me on a regular basis.
Daughter is very similar, but she is a bit more extreme in her mood swings, and always has been. She is ten and very mature for her age, and fairly reserved.
I will say, though, that "I" was a "model" child throughout my life until I was out of my parents' house. When I finally had "freedom" I went a little crazy. But it didn't last long and blessedly for me, there were no long term consequences to my sharp learning curve.
So... maybe it will happen to our kids once they are out? I hope not.
But good luck to you (and to us!)

My 17 year old Senior is a great kid. She gets good grades (struggles with Math..but thats ok!)...her last report card is on the refrig like they all go...straight A's across the board. She is anot a super social kid, more of an introvert. She thinks drugs and smoking are "dumb and stupid" and a waste! She attends a special Arts High school that she worked hard to get into (essays, auditions, etc), and has already recieved one partial scholarship offer for one of her college choices....Just waiting to hear on the others!!

She gets a bit bitchy and grumpy..we all do. Shes a lazy kid..in the chores and such area, but in the end, after all the nagging, its always done. Its like a dance we do. Oh well. I know many pals whose kids barely make the C's on the report card, have romance drama or smoke behind their backs (well, they think they are!), and we have none of that, so I feel blessed, even with our chores dance we do!

She talks to me, is a witty kid and if she leaves us for college next year, I will mourn the loss of her (my only child) when she is gone.

Good girls are out there!!

I used to tell my older son that just because he thought life sucked, he did not have the right to suck the life out of all of those around him. He hated hearing me say it....but it was the truth & I stood by my words. I'm very thankful that at age 24, he has finally rejoined our family. :)

By contrast, my younger son is a joy. We have very few issues with him. He has an occasional flare-up of attitude, but his sense of humor is what carries him thru most of life's adversities. One of my friends sent me a phone pic of my son's paper hanging on the wall at our high school. OMG! The final sentence on the paper is: "If you could be anyone, who would you choose to be?" His answer is priceless: "ME, because I am awesome."

OMG! 15 years old & totally comfortable with himself! I am sooo danged proud! & honestly, he's not just talking the talk, he IS walking the walk. He knows his limitations, he pushes the boundaries, & he backs off when he needs to. For years now, he's chosen to be alone....rather than deal with drama. For years now, he's ended drama .....rather than allow it to continue.

One of his fav tricks is to throw his friend's toy/game controller/etc out the door (for example, he was playing a war game & his friend kept hitting him with Nerf darts, so he'd mess up. So my son threw the gun outside.)He will do whatever it takes to stop the B.S. OMG, to have that fortitude at such a young age!

I find it interesting that my older son's friends knew not to mess with him - simply thru my son's badass attitude. I find it doubly interesting that my younger son's friends know not to mess with him - or he will walk & leave them alone. & yet, in both cases, these same friends know that my sons have their backs & will support/help them as needed. Wow. 2 different approaches, achieving the same end goal: Friends for life.

But, as a parent & as an adult, I prefer my younger son's methods. He eliminates drama...whereas my older son created it thru his own need to be a toughie. My younger son swears he will not make the same choices his brother made....& I pray for that strength. :)

I came from a family of 4. We were all very attached to our mother. I also was attached to my father, but more than the rest. We respected them, even feared them a little maybe?
My oldest sister, and I were good. We did dumb things. We did things with out my parents knowledge. Though we were never hard to handle, rude, dis-respectful, rebellious, or dangerous. We didn't experiment and tended to be the shier type teen. I was so focused on my future, and had a wonderful friend base, that I really didnt need to do that stuff. I never fell to peer pressure. I was never the most popular or the most made fun of either. Guess maybe it was my personality.
That being said, my brother and other sister were awful. Really really bad. Anything and everything a teen could do to their parents. They did it. Took focus off me and older sis!!! Put it into perspective for me as well.
It seemed though once my older sister and I got out of our college years is when we decided to go off half cocked. Maybe mark it up to mis-spent youth. We got into lots of things we shouldnt have as adults vs teens. Think it would have been better when we were teens!
Now all of them are feeling the effects of teenagers. All my siblings now, except for one (she is just plain insane), are fine. Normal adults with marriages and kids. All my sibs are going through some sort of teen drama. Some is bad, some not so bad. SIL and Brother have 2 - 14 year old girls and a 8 year old boy. They are getting the worst of it. One girl is fairly good the other is terribly horrible. We are getting the horrible one for a while to try to help. (long story, no they are not giving up)
All my kids are too young yet, I am doing so much reading here, it boggles my mind. I dont know how I am going to do it yet, till I get there. I hope I can do it well and with respect, and have my kids come out of it loving and respecting me in turn.

My friend and I were just talking about this. I think a great deal of it is luck/personality. I was always very respectful of authority. It's just how I am. My sister not so much. So what worked with me didn't work well with her. I've seen that in lots of families. It must be personality to a degree if 3 out of 4 kids are nice, well behaved etc while 1 isn't. That kid is obnoxious, doesn't listen to reason... So I don't think the teen years have to be horrible but sometimes there may be no stopping it. I see it with my neices. The oldest has always been hard. Always battled with my sister since day 1. She's 13.5 now and nothing horrible at all but just not easy. So likely it'll get worse before it gets better. Her younger sister just isn't like that. I seem to have the same pattern so far with my daughters though to a lesser degree. Of course parenting makes a difference but I don't think it can control everything. Sounds like your older daughter won't get too bad but another niece was a great kid till she made friends with an obnoxious one. This kid was a horrible influence apparently. In this house (not my sister) lots was going on that likely contributed but this kid took a nosedive. I worry that the wrong boyfriend could take otherwise good girl down the wrong road too. I'm just crossing my fingers every day...

To answer your question... Absolutely not! I too dreaded the teen years with my daughter. She and I had a love/hate relationship almost from the time she was born. She was (and still is) a very headstrong person, and we butted heads quite often during her childhood years. I was so afraid of what she would be like when the teens actually arrived. But.. it seems in looking back that the day she turned 13 was almost like a magical turn around day. She and I began being able to communicate on a more adult level, and though there were some stressful times, we were usually able to work out differences very amicably. One key I found in my parenting was to treat her more like a person who had her own ideas and to give her respect for her ideas whether I agreed with them or not. Another was to stop and think through things before giving her answers or instructions. I did away with ultimatums, but still kept strong in what I decided. A good example is one day when she came and asked if she could go out with friends that night. I had absolutely no reason to tell her she couldn't, yet had a gut level feeling that I didn't want her to go. We are Christians so I told her to give me a little time to think and pray about my decision. After several hours, I went to her and told her that though I couldn't put a good logical reason to it, I felt I had to not let her go (I had the upper hand because part of the deal was that she would use our car). I asked her to trust me and God on this one, and actually apologized because I couldn't give her more of a reason than that.
The following day, after school, she let me know that she was happy she hadn't gone. There was no dramatic problem for her friends the night before, but they had gotten into some situation that she was happy she hadn't been involved in. She then told me that she had been having the same gut level feeling that she shouldn't go the day before and had actually been relieved when I told her no.

I believe it is the result in part of separation anxiety for both mothers and daughters. Also they have a natural inclination to rebel, but as long as they are guided toward the injustices of the world, rather than their parents (who only want what is good for them), I think they can manage it better. If they were completely comfortable at home in the later years, and they loved all of our rules, they wouldn't have the motivation to venture out on their own. My 19 year old is still the sweet girl I knew at 14, but simply doesn't need me in the same way and that does sometimes cause conflict. All in all, she has made it through unscathed.

No, it doesn't have to be.
My son (now a college freshman) was a model teenager, at least as far as I knew, lol! He was a good kid, good grades, nice friends, never got into any trouble. There was the occasional sulkiness and attitude, but nothing dramatic.
My oldest daughter has been the opposite: not focused at school, horrible attitude, questionable (though not awful) friends and she has made some poor choices, nothing too serious, but enough to drive my husband and I crazy more than once :( Things have gotten better now that she's driving and has both more freedom and responsibility.
My almost 13 year old daughter SEEMS like she's going to be more like her brother (and I think I've learned from some of the mistakes I made with my older daughter) but who knows? We shall see...
Try not to worry too much. There are LOTS of great, mature and responsible teenagers out there. You just hear the horror stories because that's what gets people talking. I have been amazed and inspired by many of my kids' friends, and your daughter sounds like she's going to be just fine :)

.

i adored the teenage years with both my boys. i adore teenagers in general, they're my favorite age group to teach. i had a blast with both my kids through their teenage years, and other than some tense discussions about chores and cleaning up after themselves, they were almost entirely drama-free.
the notion that teenagers are automatically ugly and that we *need* for this to happen in order for them to grow up and move on makes no sense to me.
enjoy your lovely girl!
khairete
S.

My daughters are 17 and 13, while we have occassional drama, they are GREAT kids and I couldn't be more proud of both of them. 17 year old is very involved at school and in other volunteer work. She has a weekend job, cheers and is in the National Honor Society. I know her friends and their parents. She is honest about where she is and who she is with, and we have a trust pact to not punish if she gets in a bad situation and needs our help....we just want her to learn to make good choices and we realize there is A LOT out there in the faces of our teens today.
Keep the lines of communication and trust open and it will be fine :)

I'm so glad to read this! My 15 year old daughter and yours could be twins. I have 5 girls and the negativity I get from people about how awful it will be for us and blah blah blah. I get tired of it. I expect respect and if my daughter has an issue she and I talk about it. We all have our 'moments', however, I genuinely enjoy being around her and her friends. We didn't do the "terrible two's", we did the "terrific two's", yes they exert their independence, yes they throw a fit, but respond correctly to them and understand why they are acting that way and a lot of problems can be resolved. Do we have challenges? YES! But we strive to work through them. I adore my kids, I do not complain about them, that teaches them that they are only worthy of complaint. Great job Mom!!

My two are far from being teens, but I remember what my life was like as a teen. I was very active in school/church activities, and frankly had too much going on in my life to be a "rebellious" teen. I also had parents that cared enough to want and demand to know where I was going, how long I was going to be gone, who else was going, etc. I resented it some, but it kept me out of a lot of trouble. I won't say that the teen years will be easy. A lot of teens test boundaries and try to assert their independence as well as discover who they are and their place in the world. It is a very trying age for them. Just remind your daughter that she can talk to you about anything, and when she comes to you, try to be as positive and non-judgemental as possible. The fact that your daughter recognizes her friends' bad behavior and is against it is a very positive sign, it means she will be less likely to mimic it. I don't feel like it's a given that ALL teens rebel at some point, like I said, I never did. And I credit me not rebelling to my parents and the way I was raised. Be clear about rules and expectations, but also allow her freedom based on behavior. If she starts to get out of control, scale back on the "freedoms" you allow her, and talk to her about why she was behaving the way she was. Stay involved in her life and be there to guide her, but let her live and make mistakes, it's how she'll learn. Good luck!!!

I may be a bit late in my response, but from the sound of it you have a wonderful daughter and do cherish every moment with her. You have obviously taught her respect and she sounds like a very well adjusted person.

Deal with situations when they arise and don't assume they will happen to you. You have an open relationship with her (as I still do with my Mom) and she will have her moments, but then again she is FEMALE LOL!!!

I had two boys and they are grown men and still call themselves "momma's boys" and if you saw them (how big they are - one is 6-7") it would make you laugh to hear them say that.

No, once in a while they remain as your daughter is.

However, many or most of them at least spend the better part of a couple of years acting annoyed or annoying toward their own parents, if they are not full-on acting out.

My son has said some stuff to me like that girl put in her letter but I don't think he would dare post something like that. And he does not use that langage. He just didn't understand having to do the work he does without being paid. And I told him what all he has that I can sell. He also knows if he posted something like that or texted somethign like that I would find out and that would be the end of his socal life. I would not have shot the laptop I would have just decided I had a new one or sell it. Not all teen are that disrespectful~