My son is 3 1/2 years old. He's been going to the same daycare full time since 18 month old. He is very outgoing. But I noticed recently that he is very shy in a new environment. He didn't want to join the soccer class. He didn't want to join the swimming class. He wouldn't say hi to a new friend. I had to force him to do it. Even with old friends, he is a follower. He will do whatever their friends do and repeat whatever they say. I don't know what I did wrong. I took him to different events almost every weekend. (of course with old friends). Is it because I didn't expose him to enough strangers? Another reason I've been thinking is he is the youngest in his class. All the kids he hang out with are 4 years old. I'm really frustrated. don't know how to go from here. Thanks!
Some people are leaders, some are followers. Don't force him to be someone he isn't-- help him be the best person that he is. Plus, he is little now-- all that could change.
My son was - and is - the same way. He is now 12 years old and is still very introverted and a "cautious learner." My husband is very extroverted and thought something was wrong with our son. He couldn't fathom a child not wanting to jump right in and choosing to play alone rather than with friends. This is perfectly normal and needs to be cared for accordingly. When he refuses to try something new and I feel like it's something he would enjoy, I make a deal with him. I tell him he must try it for x number of weeks (usually 6) and that if, after that time, he still doesn't want to do it, he can stop. Before the season starts (in our case, it was baseball), I took him to other little league games so that he could get familiar with how things work. My husband also worked one-on-one with him to build his confidence before the season started.
Keep in mind, too, that your son is only 3 1/2. He might come out of his shell but he needs to do it when he's ready - not when you're ready. Forcing him to socialize will only cause him to become less confident and go further into a shell. You haven't done anything wrong...unless you refuse to let him be who he is. He needs to know you love him and think he's a great kid no matter what. There's a great book called "Nurture by Nature...Understanding Your Child's Personality Type and Become a Better Parent". It's written by Paul D. Tieger. I think you'd find it reassuring.
I don't think you can "make him a leader", but you can help him be confident in who he is. He's only a little guy, still developing his personality. You might want to read up on the different personality traits - Myers Briggs is one, and I'm sure there are others, so you are more comfortable with who he is now and might become. Relax :)
Not sure where you live, but you might want to look into FasTracKids. The kids learn lots of cool stuff, but they also learn how to give presentations, which helps them get over shyness (or learn how to deal with it) and be outspoken in a group. They have a location in Frisco.
Hi, V.! I am a mom and educator with a two graduate degrees in the field of education and counseling.
Prior to answering your question I would like more background information.
1.) How long has this behavior been and when does it occur (consider factor such as sleep deprivation, hunger, etc)?
2.) Do you have other children living in the home?
Around the age of three, cognition is heightened, so children begin to assert their will more. Based on what you are saying, your son may need more input or control. Begin to offer appropriate choices. Also, provide on-going praise and positive reinforcement for desirable behaviors. Make many efforts to catch him doing something well.
In regards to strangers, your son may be aware of "stranger danger" which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Finally, some children are just "slow to warm-up" and require more time to assess and adjust to situations prior to jumping in. If your son, doesn't want to say hello immediately in a new situations, explain that he may need a little extra time and he will play in a bit.
I hope this was helpful.
Best Regards,
S.A.
Take heart, V....I don't think it has anything to do with what you have or haven't done. It's most likely just how your child is wired. I think the best thing you can do is make sure he knows how to follow someone in a good way and follow someone in a bad way. I would constantly review what good choices are and what the bad ones are, and let him know the bads ones aren't a good option.
My son was very shy at that age, but now speaks very well with anyone I introduce him to, makes great eye contact, and can talk about his like/dislikes or anything else conversationally. He's nine now, and believe me, it gets better with age, so just give him more time. And, the best thing you can do is lead him by your example when it comes to interacting with others.
Best of luck to you going back to work!
Sweet V.. You are so typical of a loving mom. Taking all of the responsibility of your child's development on yourself. We all ask ourselves "what did I do to make them this way?" Really, children are in charge of themselves. They make all of their own choices and have MANY factors that determine the way they turn out. Television, peers, other adults, modeling behavior they see in you and your family and last but not least, the very way that they were created to be. Not all people are leaders. Jesus had twelve "followers" that did him a lot of good. It is important to accept your child the way he is. I believe that urging him too harshly in an unnatural direction may cause him stress and make him more insecure. Are the things that he is agreeing to do or say harmful or rude or derogatory? Maybe he is a very good judge of character and is trying to model behavior to see if it "fits" him.. That is a very healthy part of development at his age and doesn't necessarily make him a "follower" only. To be a good leader you MUST be a good follower. Maybe you have a hang up abut being a follower as opposed to a leader and you are transferring your insecurity to him. I have noticed that I have started to do that with my children over the years. It's hard not to, but its important that we see our children as not "little copies of us" but their own little self. I was always the kind to jump right into things and get things started as well as be the leader. It was stange to me when my children didnt automatically have this "confidence".
When my son was that age, he was confident and outgoing as well. But when we would go to birthday parties or other events he would hang around the edges at first and not get involved. It always bothered me when I would see parents "make" their kids say hi or i love you or to go play with such and such kid, so when I had my son, I resolved to let him be who he was, just not to be rude. I learned that he was "smart" to check things out first and evaluate the situation before making friends, because I allowed him to do that. I did sign him up for soccer and other things when he was 4,5 and 6 years old even thought there was some resistance because he is not one to be confident enough to try something new site unseen. But once he had the uniform and was at the game, I let him participate as he wished. He eventually warmed up to each new thing with encouragement and praise but it took time for him to figure out what HE wanted to do. He is 16 now and still likes to research things before he gets involved but he has a great awareness of who he is and what he likes and no one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do.
Honestly, you did not do anything wrong!! He is who he is, and nothing we force on our children will change that! It is great that you are always giving him chances to try new things, and I would continue to do that. I agree with the fact that sometimes you have to make "deals" with children, because of their lack of experience. He may really like something, but is too intimidated to try it. Make sure he knows what he is really good at. Build his confidence, even if he is not great at leading, he can be a great helper. And, yes, it can have a lot to do with the fact that he is the youngest in his class. Even 6 months in kids that age can make a HUGE difference! My 4 year old will flip from being a leader in a group of peers or younger, to a follower in a group of children who are older. Keep nutruring his individual spirit, giving him lots of chances to shine, and you may be surprised at who he turns out to be. ~A.~
Yikes. He is THREE years old! How do you think that he can be confident in who he is if you are not? Please don't forget you are his world now and what you think about him is SO important.
I would suggest that you do alot of encouragement for the things he does and help build his confidence up. It is very normal for young children to go through many different stages of development and holds no creditability to who and what they will become as adults.
C.
