Geting My Daughter to Stand up for Herself

I think some people are leaders & some are followers. I was always a follower & in school I didn't have any problems, really.

you can just keep the lines of communication open. let her know that it's okay, even something to be valued, that if she really feels strongly about something, she can speak up.

i didn't find my voice till my 30's, so don't worry :) some people are just naturally quieter. i would have sworn i was a shy, wallflower, follower, all through school, college, early adulthood...now i am a supervisor over 20 people with plans to keep moving upward. she'll be okay mom. she's learning a lot by being quiet and listening.

Is she unhappy?

Some kids LIKE to be followers. I had a friend who was a follower and she was very uncomfortable being a leader. She LIKED other people to make decisions and she always said that we had much better ideas than she did.

She did voice when something really didn't agree with her, or she didn't want to do something.

Find out if your daughter is happy and make sure that she's not being "forced" to do things she doesn't want. It could be just that she enjoys following along and is happy.

You can make sure that she does voice when she's not happy or if she really doesn't want to do something. Beyond that, it might just be who she is.

I know a girl who was taken to intenstive counseling because she could not get along with anybody. The success came, according to her M., when they realized she is now doing what your daughter is doing.
They consider it a good thing because she gets along with everybody.

My d learned to stand up for herself when she was ten but still sometimes does this. I think it is her personality. When she feels safe and is doing her favorite thing, she takes the lead.

I don't think you can or should force it. Not unless you notice her going along with "bad things" or something. This personality may stick, or it may not. She may be the completely awesome ASSISTANT to the head of things one day rather than the head of things, but that doesn't make her less important, successful, hard-working, knowledgeable, etc...not everyone can lead. I know you know that, and your instinct is telling you she's following TOO much, so it's good you're aware, but there is a lot to be said for nice, supportive people who don't need to boss others around. As a matter of fact, most of my friends with that nature have AWESOME caring, successful husbands who treat them well, while I, little miss Sparky , am about to be divorced and have only ever attracted clueless guys who need a boss :( So anyway. She may snap out of it one day and become more "in charge" but I wouldn't worry about it yet.

Definitely pump her up when she does take initiative with "Wow, what a great idea! You thought of that?! Great job." and "I think you're right after all. Let's do it your way" when she comes up with a differing view. And if you see her feeling sort of bad she went along with someone, always remind her she CAN say "no thank you" or offer an alternative. Just love her for who she is. It's the best strength you can give. And model confidence yourself.

Personally the world needs leaders and followers. Perhaps talking to her about what the "line" is when being a follower? "If your friends ever want you do to X,Y,Z and you know it's wrong, it's ok to say something or just walk away." Help her have confidence in herself is most important, but not at the expense of who she truly is.

I was neither a leader or a follower...I would say I was an "independent". I did what I wanted to do, on my terms, no one else could make me do what I didn't want to do...not even my parents. Heh. Another story for another time. :)

Good luck.

I would build her up at home. "DD, let's look at the weather. It says it's going to be cold. What would be good to wear? That's a great idea! Let's go with that." Or "DD, you seem to have another opinion. Please tell us what it is. You get a vote in (dinner, movie), too."

Where does she get the idea that owning her own thoughts (which is different even than being assertive or bossy) is mean? Finding that out may also help you fix it.

I'd also put my DD in something where she can be a leader. Maybe let her be the older kid in a group or when she gets old enough consider something where she needs to have some confidence - horseback riding, karate, etc. Something where it's about HER abilities.

She's young. They are not even experts at social situations yet.
But I guess she has her tendencies.

The thing is, at least for me... teaching a child to be themselves, is important. And therefore, they learn self-assurance. Because they know who they are. Then from there, I think, speaking up is also about them feeling, at ease about it. Then they learn that they have their own ideas, and certainly about right/wrong and what is appropriate or inappropriate etc.

Practice, with her.
Role Play.
A child this age, does not yet have automatic responses to things yet, fully.
Do pretend scenarios with her. Practice what she can say, and actually tell her some simple phrases she can say. ie: "please stop it." "I don't like that." "That is not nice." "I don't want to." "No thank you." "I rather do something else..." etc.

Part of standing up for oneself, is also about teaching the child how. They don't automatically know how. They are young. And for some, it is not instinctive. So you have to role play, with her. So that she gets practice. Then as you practice with her, she will feel more at ease about it.

But also... nurture who SHE is. Tell her "be yourself...." Since my kids were Toddlers, that is what I taught them, and to know their own, cues and boundaries. So now they are 6 and 9, and they know themselves, and are self-assured and can speak up etc. Because, they know themselves. And I taught them that everyone is different... they do not have to do something just because another kid told them too... if THEY are not comfortable with it and they know it is wrong or mean... do not do it. THEY CHOOSE.

Standing up for oneself, is learned for some. Not instinctive.
So practice with her. And the different ways she can say things, and the different phrases she can say, so that she feels more at ease about it.
But most importantly, teach her she is herself.
Nurture, who she is.
Teach her, that.

Teach her that she has her own thoughts. Ask her things about what she thinks or feels. Don't critique it, but just chat. Practice that.
Compliment her etc. When my son, who was only 4 said "my friend Max (at preschool) plays rough... I don't like that..." I told him "GOOD for you. You have your own idea about what is nice or rude. You are a good thinker..." And then I would tell him "What do you say to Max when he is playing rough like that?" And my son said "I told him to stop, or I will tell the Teacher... but then I went to play with someone else..."
So through chatting and seeing how HE thought, I learned that my son was learning that he is himself and he does not like certain things, and its fine. And he spoke up. And by giving him feedback.... he was growing more self-assured etc. and not just copying other kids.
But things like this is nurtured in a child... through chats and practice and talking with them about social situations and teaching them, how or what to do.

My oldest was kind of like that, and I tended to see it as a bit of a weakness too. She is in college now, and she is just a really nice person. She makes friends easily. I think taking boxing classes in the last few years helped her be a little more assertive when appropriate, but any sport or activity your daughter enjoys will help too. Try to see it as an asset, and let her learn naturally, unless there is a problem with bullying, then of course help!

LovingM,
Our children are born with their personality, I believe. There isn't much you can do to change it. You can guide her and explain certain situations to her, but you cannot change who she is. Some do grow out of it or develop a better sense of self as they age, due to things that may occur within their social circles. My youngest was a follower too. At 15, I'm happy to say, she is figuring things out for herself and knows who her friends are, who are acquaintences, who are the alpha queen bee's....etc. She will come to know herself and what she can handle and what she should stay away from. Just be there for support and always keep the lines of communication open. Good luck!