My Son Is 18 and He Thinnks He Can Do Whatever He Wants.

I would like to suggest that you reconsider allowing him to get a job. I was never so motivated to do well in school as I was when I was waiting tables because I knew I didn't want to do that forever.

He want the "adult" life, give it to him. He wants to treat you like a landlord, so be it. Hand him a key, tell him he now owes you rent. Tell him he can pay with cash or by chores. You no longer pay him. If his dad keeps giving him money then fine, but he gets nothing from you.

It is summer. He should be working at least 20- 25 hours a week ! This will teach some responsibility !

Good advice below. I'm just here to reinforce that, if he's an adult, no one hands him $40 a week for doing nothing, and no one pays for his cell phone or gives him a car with gas and insurance. These are privileges which are earned by responsible and respectful people. So start by taking away what you pay for that is a luxury. That means his phone and his computer. If he has a learner's permit, take it away and/or take him off the car insurance. When he's responsible enough to be on the road in a 1-ton death machine and following instructions (driving instructor, road signs), then he can have it back.

This isn't about your feelings - as much as they hurt, put them aside. This is about him not being prepared for adulthood and independence.

He needs to either get a job or go to summer school to repeat any classes he has failed. Or both. Let an employer fire him because he doesn't do what he's supposed to or show up as expected or because he mouths off.

Can he do what he wants? Yes, unless he's under your roof and being supported by you.

He has to have a series of smaller, attainable goals, to which smaller privileges are attached. You can't say "defer everything until you do better in school". But you can say he doesn't get any money unless he's doing his laundry, doing X and Y around the house, and treating you respectfully. That means no swearing at you and no walking out on you. He also doesn't have dinner put on the table for him or his favorite snacks in the cabinet. He's an adult? Good, he can support himself.

I agree with what's been said about explaining the budget and what things cost. Put your grocery receipts together, the cell phone bill, the insurance, the electric bill, etc. - Kids can only understand that which has been explained to them. So if you and his dad haven't done that, the onus is on you. But if he's being disrespectful, he wasn't taught that by you - that's on him.

You still have the ultimate power which is to take away stuff. Do it. And get his father on the same page so that you are a united front if you possibly can. Otherwise hang tough in your own house even if you can't control what his father does in his house.

But 18 year olds who want full freedom for what they feel like, and not the responsibilities of adulthood, usually wake up pretty quickly! Don't let him have 1 without the other.

Well, since he's 'all grown up', you don't have to provide him with anything.
No cell phone, no computer, no games or tv time - he'll be lucky if you allow him a mattress on the bare floor of his door-less room with a light bulb.

We've taught our son from a young age
'Work with us, and life can be sweet.
Work against us and we can make life absolutely miserable.
Your choice.
Choose wisely.'.

Fortunately our son has been very cooperative, works hard at his grades and we get compliments on his manners and his willingness to help out where ever he goes.
He realizes that being a jerk will very much work against him.

I think you need to do some tough love on your son so he realizes exactly what sort of safety net you hold under him.
Try taking everything away.
He's going to have to earn his perks with good/respectful behavior.
And although you don't have to throw him out - he's free to leave on his own if he thinks the world will treat him any better.

Speak with him like the adult he will soon be/believes he is. He isn't a child anymore so he is correct - you don't have a lot of leverage in the authoritarian punishment/consequences mode of parenting. What you hopefully do have is a mutually respectful relationship so you can discuss issues and work TOGETHER towards solutions.

If he wants to go out at midnight, where does he want to go and what is going on there? You let him know the reasons you are concerned (drunk driving, kids overdosing, police involvement, unprotected sex) and you discuss how he will handle those issues. Then show him you trust him to make a good decision.

Tell him that with rights come responsibilities. If he wants to be treated like an adult then he has to step up and do the crappy stuff that adults do; not just the fun part of staying out late and having a good time.

In my opinion, he doesn't know how to be an adult and be accountable. He has never worked (I am assuming) and is now an adult happy with his $40 chore money.

It's summer. He needs a summer job. That will give him some spending money and you a break from him. He needs to learn how to hold a job. You need to forget about his mouth and sit him down and talk to him about the coming years that are quickly approaching.

Have you shown him a budget? My daughter talked about moving out (away from me) and I brought her home the for rent magazine. Then I asked what she could afford. I had her take a look at food prices even if she ate soup everyday. I asked her to start that meal plan now, so she could be sure that is what she wanted. Then I showed her how much a buss pass cost. She was already out of money and she had a job. She quickly realized she needed to stay in school.

She is an adult now and living on her own and doing well, although she lived with us much longer than most adults. She lives well within her means and never asks for money. She rents an apartment and has a car to drive. She saved enough money to buy a house, but decided she like to travel much more than taking care of a home.

Show him the reality of life. You have to. Stop paying him to do chores unless you want him mowing lawns for a living.

I would sit down with him and lay out that just because he's 18, he's not self-sufficient. If he wants to not abide by your rules, then he can live somewhere else or on his own. If you think he would go to family counseling, suggest that. I suspect he's got a case of "I'm an adult" from a friend. I would also discuss with him your expectations post-graduation. Even another roommate his age would have expectations - like doing the dishes. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to act it. Get a job, pay you rent, take care of his own expenses. I think you need to treat him like an adult if he's thinking he's "grown". "Adult" is more than chronological age.

I suggest, first, make a list of what others contribute to the household. Then have a discussion, perhaps over dinner when everyone is there about what is expected when people, even adults, live together. Start with this as a question with everyone making suggestions. Have one rule, that everyone has to contribute to make a home. Show them your list. Also, a list containing anything that's not on the first list. Together, decide who will do which chores.

During this discussion steer him and sibs, if he has them, towards the responsibilty of adults. Mention, having a job, paying their own way, contributing to the household, cooperating with each other, living alone when one cannot live in a way that shows respect they should live alone. Adults have more responsibility than kids. A family is a group of people that help each other so that everyone will be respected while knowing that each person has the others back. Give everyone the chance to say how they feel without blaming others. Practice saying, this is how I feel and this is what I need. If what I need is not possible, discuss what could be done that recognizes other team members need too.

This conversation will take time and works best when carried out over time. In the meantime write down family rules and the consequences of not honoring them. Say that later kids may be able to suggest changes. That first the family needs a consistent base from which to work.

I learned to say, once you complete this, we'll do this. Have your son and sibs earn privileges. Don't try to do this all at once. Rules should be what the family needs to work together at this point. Discuss rules and reason they are there when child objects as long as it's a respectful conversation.

My rules for myself is to postpone conversations when anyone is emotional. Never argue with a child. Expect and reward compliance. Praise when I can legitimately do so. Remember that having consistent expections and consequences related to misbehavior is the best way to teach. That if I or the child is angry, cool off before giving a consequence. Consequences must be something I can enforce. I'm willing to talk about rules and consequences to a point.

My daughter has learned to plan group activities that are fun for everyone. Be sure that life has a balance of fun with responsibilities?

Sounds like you are both figuring out how to balance the independence with the responsibility of being 18. You've got some good suggestions below; I agree with most of them that you two need to sit down and work out a new list of his contributions to the household. Two things I might suggest you reconsider: him not having a job and waiting for him to get a driver's license until he is doing well in school. As an 18 year old, he should either be working a job or taking college classes fulltime--and actually, he could have a job even while in college. If he were working the less-than-great kind of job he can get without anything beyond a high school education, he might start taking his courses a bit more seriously. Also, I think that holding up his driver's license actually ends up being a burden to you, and it means his options for a job are more limited. If he had his license and a job, you could start expecting him to pay for gas for the car, maybe contribute to the household, and so on. Overall, it seems like if you raise the expectations for his responsibilities, it could be good for everyone. Good luck with it!

A job is not a privilege at 18, it's a necessity for an adult. Adults who support themselves at 18 can do whatever they want. I was out of my house at that age working and paying all my own bills. Yes, with roommates and no car, but all my own bills nonetheless. I went to college for 1 1/2 years while working part time and dropped out because my loans were getting unmanageable. So I kept working, and climbed work ladders until I had my own company at age 27 in NYC. I went back to take certain classes as needed on my own dime. I was an excellent student when I was paying and pursuing a specific goal.

School is NOT the most important thing if he isn't taking it seriously.

As long as he lives with you, what you say goes. You don't have to be fair. If he can't be respectful he needs to get out of your home. That would be best for him anyway.

Sounds like it's time to learn he is an adult and doesn't have to or need to follow your rules. If he can't manage himself very well by now then he's never been taught to make decisions and learn from those consequences.

If he doesn't do his chores on time he doesn't get paid. Period. Let him know that if this is how he wants it that it's fine with you.

Then make a list of his chores and what is pay is for doing them. I choose to do an allowance then give rewards for extra things they do but if you want to treat his chores as if they're choices instead that's a choice.

If he's 18 there isn't even anything that says he must go to school or get out of bed all day. These are adult choices and he's an adult now.

He should probably be given a move out by date so he can start making plans.

If he didn't graduate this May chances are he never will so let that go.

Here 18 is considered an adult. You have done what you are supposed to do. In our state...You are obligated no further. I know we all have the mama guilts a lot of times, but it doesn't have to be part of this scenario. He gets money for chores? At home? He can get a job and move out and go to or have parties whenever her wants. And he can do his own chores for free. Is he your only son? If he is I understand how hard it might be to let him go, but if he's not and you have other children you don't have to deal with this anymore. It's funny, I used to look at homeless kids and think oh my they could be my child, but most kids figure out pretty quick that they want to be comfortable and not live like that. Hang in there. Otherwise if he stays with you give him the consequences and stick to those. No wavering.

Has he graduated HS yet? I'm confused regarding his age and school.

Its time for the boy to sink or swim. Tell him he must get a summer job AND his license. Stop giving him money for breathing. Also, why are your feelings hurt? Stop. Talk to him and listen to him. So his grades aren't wonderful, sometimes when we treat our kids like little babies, they act like little babies.

When our kids were in HS it was REQUIRED for them to have a part time job. Our daughter worked at the roller rink her Junior and Senior year. Our son refed paintball all four years of HS. That was their spending money.

Your son wants to be a man, let him be a man. With that comes responsibility. He must pay. How is he getting to these parties?

You need to let your son grow up. Sometimes the best lessons are those experienced. Let him fall on his face.

Kids that are involved in sports, clubs, and part-time jobs usually have better grades because they have better time management skills. Time for him to get a job.

Still in what school? He's 18 & it's summer.
Did he graduate this year?
$160/month for chores?
There you go.

Good responses below!

My kids haven't reached this stage yet, but I have a dozen nieces and nephews who've all hit 18 and managed to work during summers (and often during school year) and saved half their pay for college fund, and spent the other half on things like cell phone and fun out with friends. They paid for their own entertainment.

I think my siblings helped out with some stuff, but at eighteen, they were learning the value of a dollar. And responsibility.

As well, if your son wants to take car and go out to party, then he has to earn that right. I remember having to take car of stuff before I was allowed to have keys to car, and also had learned how to be responsible (designated driver) etc. before being granted that luxury.

I think kids who respect their parents are the ones who's parents have limits and boundaries and demand respect.

It's very typical for teens to go through this so some of this is totally normal - but I think if you expected more from him, he'd do more for you and respect you more.

Good luck :)

If he wants to be his own boss, then he needs to have his own place and a job and pay his own bills.

Try not to have hurt feelings, it's normal for kids (adults) his age to want to go to parties, etc.

He is now technically an adult, so technically, he CAN do what he wants. You need to decide what you are willing to give him, and then give it to him WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED. That means you give him what you are willing to give -- possibly a place to live and some food, possibly some help with college expenses, whatever you decide -- and then after that it is UP TO HIM what he wants to do with that.

If it were me, I would decide what I was willing to give him, and then I would try it out for one year. If after one year, he was still being disrespectful, failing classes and didn't have a job, I would withdraw all support and let him figure it out on his own. I would help him find a place with some roommates and give him a little bit of starting money, but then after that he would have to sink or swim.

To drag out this metaphor, it's amazing how, when they are faced with sinking, they all of a sudden figure out how to swim. The problem starts when we moms aren't willing to let our kids learn things the hard way.

And I would not get a license for someone who was being disrespectful to me. Respect is priority #1.

You're paying for him to not work and to go out partying. My son went through a defiant stage just before turning 18, but got over the novelty of it pretty quickly. I followed through with the rules until he graduated.

He needs to get a job and some responsibility. You're doing too much for him IMO. If he wants to be an adult, give him some adult responsibilities - he can pay for his own stuff. Both of my kids survived on a lot less than $40/week and they both had cars expenses to pay for. He has no motivation to do anything b/c he's already getting what he wants. You've heard the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. He's only disrespecting you b/c you allow it.

I am in a similar situation and while I know it's easy to say, you need to teach him to respect you and your rules. It is difficult to enforce tough love but paying him for chores might not be the best way to go. Maybe his allowance gets decreased every time he disrespects you or your rules.
Usually kids don't learn the lesson if they're not held accountable for their actions.
Parenting is the most difficult job.

My oldest is only 17, so I'm not quite there yet, but for years we've had the "we are a family and in our home, these are the expectations for our family" talk. All four of my children know that reaching the age of 18 does NOT = "I can now do whatever I want," they all know that in order to continue living at home, they must A. be in school and maintaining good grades, or B. have a job and contribute financially; but whichever choice they make, as long as they are living with me or their father (we are divorced, but agree on this matter-and most others,) they are still a part of the household, and there are household rules that must be followed. I don't know that I can offer much advice if these expectations have not been in place. Knowing my children are well aware of the expectations in our home(s), I would be forced to follow through with the threat of kicking them out for not being a responsible and respectful member of the household/family.

All I can say is that you will be in my thoughts, and wish you luck. I hope you find a solution that works for your family, this has got to be a tough situation to be in.