HELP! I Need Objective Opinions Here!

It was not appropriate for someone to call her drunk or for her to go. I agree with everything you wrote. Why is a man calling her? I think he was up to no good.

I have a son who'll be 18 soon. He works and is finishing high school and will be going to college soon (online.) I don't have any of these issues with him but if I did, I'd charge him rent and force him to be responsible. If he didn't like it, he could move out but he'd have to pay rent moving out. Also, my sister went to pick up her boyfriend at 1am because he was drunk and needed a ride home. She was 34 and had her kids at home. While she was at the house picking him up, someone outside the house (also drunk) dropped a gun, it went off and shot and killed my sister. Maybe you can share that story with your daughter. She has no business going out in the middle of the night. Nothing good happens at that time of night especially when alcohol is involved.

My kids don't have set curfews (15 & 19) per se. We just pretty much base it on where they are going and what they are doing. Hanging at the mall? 10pm. Movies? Whatever time it ends. Going to a dance? Whatever time it ends, etc. For the most part, my kids aren't allowed to leave with no destination in mind. We have to know who what when where why, etc.
I find this works better - you're not setting some arbitrary rule. Because if they have something legit to do after that time, they might sneak out. And if what they are doing that ends before that time, they'll just hang out until that time. Seems silly.
I think you need to have a chat about been a responsible participating family member that communicates, does chores, pays their way, etc.
And, yes, she was very stupid!

My house. My rules. PERIOD...if you don't like it? leave...

My daughter, now 25 - moved back in with her dad (she's not happy about it even with a college degree...jobs are hard)...even though she's an adult - he told me his rules - which was fine - as she asked if she could move here - we both said pay rent and abide by our rules......so she stayed in Missouri...

She has to pay her rent, car payment and abide by the rules of the house...if she doesn't like it - she is welcome to go out and find a place to live on her own so she can live as she wants...

You must stand firm and you must tell her that MY HOUSE. MY RULES..if she doesn't like it, she can leave....i KNOW how hard it is when your child is an adult and looking at you like that and says "I'm an adult" - well, if you are adult - go be on your own....IF you can't swing that - MY HOUSE. MY RULES.

My ex husband expects my daughter to be in my 2AM and if she's NOT coming home. She MUST call. PERIOD. No boys/men are allowed to stay the night. If she borrows the car - she puts gas back in it. she returns it in good condition - clean, etc. If she takes or uses the last thing in the fridge - she must replace it.

ETA: When I was living at home - my parents told me I could call them ANYTIME I was in trouble - drinking, etc. and they would come get me. They would have much rather been woken up by my phone call than a knock on the door from a police officer.

I went through this with my daughter. She was 17 when she graduated high school, moved out at 18 and then came back home because her situation didn't work out.
I agreed to let her stay and save up for another place, WITH certain agreements in place. One was that she had to help with things around the house like pick up after herself, do her own laundry and dishes, keep her room clean and help with general things like taking the garbage out if it was full.
The BIGGEST thing was she had to be home at a decent time. No coming in at 1, 2, 3 in the morning. Absolutely not. I'm a single mom, had to be up early for work and get her little brother who is 10 years younger than her ready for school, etc. We had a bed time. We had a schedule and responsibilities. It wasn't a hotel and it wasn't a bed and breakfast.
She agreed, but somehow had it in her head she didn't have to respect my BIGGEST rule.
It's tough, but there is no such thing as entitlement when it comes to this in my opinion. I don't care if a kid is 18 or 27.
If you can't have respect for the person who is putting a roof over your head, then get your own frigging roof.
No offense, but it doesn't sound like your 18 year old is very mature and she's still into drama and you're getting sucked into it.
Your daughter is 18. She needs to have a job. That will keep her too busy and too tired to run around all night long.
Who pays for her car? If it's you, you can take the keys and she won't be going to a carwash at 2am until she has the money to fund those excursions on her own.
For what it's worth, my daughter didn't like my rules and she got a nice apartment and has been independent and responsible ever since. She'll be 25 in October.
I never paid for driver's ed. I did not pay for her to get her driver's license. I did not buy her a car. I did not help her with insurance.
It's not because I'm mean.
Like I said, as a single mom I worked my butt off for what I had and I never wanted my daughter to have the idea that money just falls from the sky.
She's very responsible, we have a wonderful relationship in spite of the bumps we went through. And, there were major bumps.
But we survived it.

Best wishes.

All young people make poor choices. Didn't you do some stupid things at that age? Didn't you learn from them?
We all want to protect our kids from making the same mistakes we did (the challenge of every generation!) but at 18 she NEEDS to start being responsible for herself.
You don't mention whether she's going to school or working. If she is, I would lift the curfew but ask her out of courtesy and respect to you to let you know where she's going.
If she's NOT going to school or working then I would certainly stop paying for her gas, phone, internet, clothes, etc. Part of being an adult is paying your bills.
It's a tough call. My 18 year old doesn't have a curfew but he's been working full time and is about to leave for college. I treat him like the young man I EXPECT him to be.

I disagree with the thought that you can't set rules for children over the age of 18. You are being MORE than fair to her. I don't have teenage children, but I was 18 and still lived at home. The rules were clear and concise. Do as I say, or get out. I got one tank of gas a week and my mom paid for my car insurance. That was it. Any luxury or social life was paid for by me. I have worked since I was 16 to pay for everything except my college tuition. I had a midnight curfew until the day I got married when I was 20 years old!! I got caught lying to my mom on more than one occasion. The keys were taken away because she bought and paid for the car. I went to work and came home. The consequences sucked, but it was my fault.
I am 30 years old, and my mom is my best friend. I love her so much for being the mom that she was during the difficult teenage years. She was not winning any popularity contests when I was 18, but she is my favorite person now! Stand strong!

Tough love. When I graduated high school I had to pay for my own meals plus 200 dollars in rent a month. If I ate at home I put 5 dollars in the jar. If I didn't like it I was welcome to go to the store and buy my own food and keep it at work, because I wasn't going to attract bugs by keeping it in my room. They paid for the insurance on my car, but I paid for everything else, oil changes, gas, etc.

Your job ends at 18. If she doesn't like it, then she can go live somewhere else. As far as coming in and out at all hours, we had the Cinderella rule. You will be back by midnight, or the doors will be locked and you will not be coming back in. If you miss getting home 3 times then you will find a new place to live. Three strikes and your out.

It was my dad's house and his rules. I didn't like it and moved out and became roommates with some friends. It was time for me to grow up and I did.

As far as my kids go, they are well aware that after graduation they need to go somewhere for a year. They have lots of options. There is college, the military, Americore, a relative, get an apartment and a job, backpack across the country or Europe, I don't care. They are welcome to come and visit but they need to live somewhere else. It is important for them to go and grow into an adult and for me to have that time so that I can treat and see them as an adult instead of a child.

I think you need to sit her down and have a heart to heart.
When I was graduated from HS, the rules were pretty simple, IF I chose to live under my parents roof then I would work and be responsible, and IF I chose to continue to reside with my parents then I would obey the house rules...I Honest to God had a midnight curfew.
I accepted that. While my parents invited me to eat dinner with them and I was free to eat left overs or make sandwiches if I wanted anything special I was to purchase it on my own. I was allowed to Use the washer and dryer in a timely manner, not allowed to hog it and leave my clothes in them longer than it took a cycle to wash and dry, I had to keep my room clean and bathroom clean and also clean up after myself in the kitchen.
I was not asked to pay rent because it was under the understanding that I was saving to be able to afford to live on my own.
I would suggest IF you plan on paying for darling daughters education and letting her reside with you that you let her know what the requirements are and at what cost to her it will be ( loss of priviledges or home or tuition) if she chooses not to abide by the rules.
Good luck...I so dread the teen years that are approaching with my own kiddos.

Can't speak for the drunk boy thing -- do you know him at all?

My 18 year old daughter rules are:

She comes and goes as she pleases, but I keep tabs on her. I do still worry, after all. But at college age, they are "adults," so I think curfews are kind of pointless. You can only try to gently guide them at this point, not control them.

She pays for gas, car insurance, car payments, her clothing, fun stuff, and her own college expenses, including any future college loans. But in return for her being responsible for most of her own expenses, I don't put a lot of rules on her.

When your daughter makes a statement like, "You are the mom, it's your job to provide things," just tell her, "No it isn't, you are legally an adult now" and then don't provide those things.

But you can't have it both ways. You either have to treat her as an adult, in which case you can't be putting curfews on her, or keep treating her as a child, in which case it IS your responsibility to provide for her.

I have a 15 year old son. We have had many conversations about expectations post-high school. He has 4 options (1) go to college full time (2) go to college part time and work part time (3) join a program like AmeriCorps where he will volunteer and earn scholarship money (4) work full time . With options 1,2,and 3 he can live at home. But he will abide by household rules and contribute to the household, at least in the form of chores and pet care (just like he does now) while earning enough to pay for things like his auto insurance, cell phone and whatnot. With option 4 he will have 6 months to get enough money together and move out into his own place. There is no scenario in place to allow for his being a slacker and hanging around house jobless and lazy. There is also no scenario in play where I pay his college tuition - he has know for years that he has to get scholarships, or work his way through - I just don't make enough to foot the entire bill.

It is time to give your daughter some options. Yes, legally at 18, she is an adult and you are no longer obligated to be responsible for her. And you are definitely not obligated to tolerate being treated like dirt. You don't owe her anything. She, in fact, owes you. So, take her keys, charge her rent, and explain that she can get an extra job and go live in the dorms if she wants to the freedom to come and go at all hours. Give her a chore list, tell her she can earn time with the car keys in return for sharing the household responsibilities. Give her a time line, then stick to it. (I am dead serious about my son's options and he knows it)

It will be one of the hardest things you ever do. But it is obviously time for her to face the music and grow up. A sense of entitlement will get her nowhere in life.

I wish you luck
God Bless

If she will be going away to school in the fall, she will be able to stay out as late as she wants, spend that night at any one's house or dorm room and not have anyone to answer to. She will be expected to make responsible decisions. If you are always telling her what she can and cannot do, then you are not preparing her to make these decisions for herself. Once the start college, curfew should be out the window. Teach her that the responsible thing to do is give you a basic itinerary of her evening and what time she plans to be home. If she's going to deviate from the plan and/or stay out later than expected, she needs to give you a courtesy call.

The two of you need to work out a financial arrangement for college. My parents paid tuition, housing and books. They also paid for occasional expenses as the arose, but generally speaking the rest was up to me. That's what summer jobs were for. As a sophomore I found a part time job at school that also helped. At the time, students were not permitted to have cars on campus until their junior year. My parents did allow me to take one of their cars to campus my junior and senior year. It was their car. They paid insurance and I paid for gas. That was our arrangement. You have to do what works for you. There is no right or wrong answer, just the answer that works for you.

She is an adult. Whether she lives with you or not is not relevant to the fact that she is 18. She needs to find her way. It's time for you to learn how to be the parent of an adult child.

Entitlement works both ways. If she's entitled to come home at all hours, you're entitled to change the locks.

It sounds like it's time for a contract. Sit down, explain your expectations and her financial obligations (small contributions for rent, for car, and for college expenses). In exchange for covering everything above and beyond the small contributions, she will respect your rules and maintain a decent GPA in college. If she refuses, she has 30 days to find new lodgings. If she dithers, on day 31, she will find her person and her belongings neatly stashed on the driveway and you will have new locks. Life will then beat some sense in to her. Many 18 year olds rise to the challenge; some come back home, tail between their legs and a whole new sense of appreciation for their parents goodwill.

When I returned from my freshman year at college, I assumed all the rules were the same as when I left. I didn't like a midnight curfew at 18 and I didn't like having to ask to go on a date. BUT, it was not my house. Imagine my surprise (and relief) when my mom said I could stay out two nights a week (not consecutively) and all I had to do was let her know by 3pm if I'd be home for dinner and/or the night. I was very gratified that SHE recognized that I was trying to follow the rules, restrictive as they were, and loosened up as a result.

When my sister was the same age, she did not respect the rules. She burned bridges with my mom and moved in with my dad. She burned bridges there, too, and two weeks before her 18th birthday, my dad kicked her out and moved across the country. My sister went back to my mom, who refused to help her. After six months bouncing between friends' couches my sister went back to my mom, apologized and signed a contract. Within a year, my sister earned her GED and got a job that has turned in to a very lucrative career.

Tough love works. If either of my two sons had the audacity to tell me "it's your job to provide things," I would show them the state law that says at 18 they're adults and my "providing" is now a gift...ONE THAT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY. She can't take advantage of your goodwill without your permission. Deny her permission to do that with a contract or asking her to move out.

You are not asking too much. Stand tough, sister.

Good luck!

Just to let you know.. When I was 18 ( I am 26 now), my parents said I had to pay my own tuition for college. I knew that I would get no where in life if I didnt have an education, so I worked hard to pay for college. School and work kept me busy enough to keep out of trouble. I would also not let her drive my car unless its to work or school. If she wants to drive out at 2am, then let her pay for her own car, insurance and registration. I think more responsibility will teach her how to mature and appreciate things more. Its when you give your child too much that they take things for granted. A baby bird that gets carried by her mother everywhere never learns to fly on her own

It's impossible to set rules for children over 18. I know that people say we can, but we can't. It's either we treat them with the same respect we would treat roommates and we are good examples and we argue and negotiate them on the level of them being our roommates, or we make them leave. Anyone that says otherwise is not being realistic or they have perfect kids, which obviously you and I don't.

I would say that if she's living there rent free... she has to follow the rules of the household - curfew, chores, etc. If she IS paying rent - and I mean an actual reasonable renting a room type of rent of a normal person - then she should be able to do as she pleases but must also be expected to contribute to her own food, clean up after herself, and be tidy.

Christi,

I just want to say that you sound like a great mom! Some girls just get a little "out there" at that age- I was one of them, unfortunately. My parents had it rough from when I was 18 until I was about 21 or so. I had quite the attitude too, but I did regain my sanity and realize how wrong I had been.
She just has some maturing to do. Hang in there. Just keep doing what you're doing. She'll come around in a couple of years (or hopefully less).
Peace :)

How frustrating, I am sorry. When my daughter was nearing 18 we made her new (she was 18 after all) rules and the consiquenses for breaking them very clear. I do not know if this well help, but here is what will happen if she breaks the rules: first the money flow will stop; so no help with gas, insurance, phone. We will only pay for school and only if her grade are acceptable. If the disprespectful behavior continued, she would find out what it is like to live on her own. We've been fortunate so far, we've only had to cut off her money once. They are spreading their wings, but they are not ready to fly yet and they are not as grown as they think.

I have a 3 year old, so I can't give any advice as to how to handle an 18 year old, but I remember being 18 and I thought I was invincible. And I lied to my parents...a lot. I wonder if she was completely honest about where she went at 2 am? I'm not saying your daughter is a liar, I'm just saying I remember lying to my parents to get out of the house.

I made some really dumb decisions as an 18 year old. Honestly, I think that is common. But I never expected anyone to hand anything to me. I worked hard, and I paid my parents rent. I think you need to tell her, your house, your rules. Period. Tell her that if she has a job and pays you rent, she can stay out as long as she wants. But until she pays rent, she has to follow your rules. If she got a job maybe that added responsibilty will make her mature a little, and maybe leave less free time to get into sticky situations. Just my opinion. I am not looking forward to the teen years! Good luck!

I worked FT in the summer so I was too tired to stay out all night. Can she pick up more hours? 15 hours a week leaves way too much time on her hands IMO.
Your daughter can set the rules when she pays her own way for everything!!

My kids are grown and gone, but I went through this. I told them that when they were capable of taking care of themselves, then they were adults. As long as they lived in my house and I paid the bills, it was my rules. I paid the bills and bought the groceries, if they wanted more they could pay for it themselves. I worried when it was late and I didn't know where they were, hence the curfew. Again, my house, my rules. Chores are part of living anywhere, and you are her Mom, not her servant. If they thought they could find someone who would be better to them than I was, they could start looking.
At 18, she is still very young and has a lot to learn. Just stand your ground....you are right and she will see that when she has the experience to see past what she wants in the next 15 minutes.

Um -how about, "This is MY House -you are technically an adult, so if you want to 'act' like one, then you can get your own place and pay for everything -until then, you do what I say and operate on MY clock!" Sorry -my kids are really young, but if they want to live here after 18, then they'll be doing it so I don't "feel" it. If they don't like it, then they are welcome to embrace the time-honored tradition of GET YOUR OWN PLACE! I did! My mother would have let me live there forever, but I did NOT want to abide by curfews and their rules, so I made sure that I had a job that provided for me when I wasn't in college and that when I graduated -I could live on my own. Too many kids these days seem to think that just because they have a degree or graduated high school or something, they're too good to wait tables, bartend, landscape, whatever. Oh no! IF she wants to act this way -she can do it on her own time in her own space. She needs a sharp wake-up call!

Wow, Christi, as a daughter who's been there, and as mom who's been there, I can sure relate to your white knuckles. These are challenging years to navigate for both parent and young adult.

Your daughter is having trouble with what she sees as a double standard – if she's living at home and following all your rules, you are the parent in charge and there's very little change over her high school years. She may figure that you are keeping her dependent, and as your dependent, she should be able to count on you to support her. If she's planning to continue her education because it's what YOU want her to do, and will be going to a school of your choice, it may not make much sense to her that suddenly she has to ante up for tuition.

Crossing a line based purely on age is abstract and rather arbitrary, if she's still living at home. Why is she still at home – is that more by your choice, or hers? Is she working part time because she can't find full-time employment (many young people can't these days, even after college)? Or is she working part time because you or her dad have been discouraging her independence? Or is she just slacking, and hasnt' gotten around to making bigger changes?

In my view, what should ideally be happening is that you give her more decision-making power, including her curfew, AND more responsibility to pay her way, as a preparation for leaving home. I actually encouraged my daughter go live with her aunt right after high school so she could have both the experience of paying her way and making her own choices while still having a friendly support system and a touch of adult oversight.

My own mother would not permit my sisters and I to date at all until we were out of high school. She was extremely controlling and gave us almost no opportunity to make our own decisions, which would have included our own mistakes. We were pretty much helpless innocents when we graduated. We were all longing for freedom and adventure and romance, and we all made many terrible mistakes (few of which our mother ever heard about).

You can believe that experienced males out in the 'real' world took whatever advantage they could, and introduced us to partying and alcohol and pot and sex in ways that were often detrimental to us and would have horrified my mother. But she had never given us a chance to taste the world in manageable bites. I married the first young man who offered, for all the wrong reasons, and I didn't realize for the first few years that I chose him (and he chose me) because he was as controlling as my mother, and that's what I was used to. That marriage was 13 years of continual hell. But if I had made a better choice, it would have been purely by accident, because I was completely inexperienced about men and love.

The point of my story is that you may actually do your daughter a favor, as agonizing as that feels to you, to allow her more freedom, which would specifically include the option of making her own choices about her social life, and the requirement that she start paying her own way.

She is, technically, an adult, and financially, you want her to live more like one. But you also want to control her personal decisions, and as you can see, that's already not working so well. So give her that freedom, but balance it with additional responsibilities. For example, you might calculate her income as a percentage of total household income, and require that she pay that percentage of groceries, utilities, and housing and clothing costs. And, should she go on with her education, require that she pay that percentage of her tuition, or some reasonable accommodation.

Wishing you well. You will all probably survive the next few years, and come out happier and closer on the other side. But I think right now both you and your daughter are hanging onto unrealistic expectations. Check out this highly informative article that will shed surprising light on your situation: http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

sounds like my sister. :). however the main difference is that when my parents divorced, my sister got a job and helped with the bills. every dime she made from the time she was 16 until she moved out at 26 or 27 went to the bills in the house. so did mine and most of my brothers money and some of my younger sisters. my sister made comments years later that my mom owed her for having to help out. my sister had a daughter when she was 19. i watched her daughter while she was at work until 11p while i was still in highschool. then when i went to college, and my niece was in school, i dropped her off while my sister worked. i picked her up, went to school for 16 credit hours a semester, and then worked from 6p-2:30a. i was 19-22 while i did this. your daughter needs to grow up and realize it's not all about her. just like i told my sister, if she was living on her own there would be no way she would be able to make it. my sister still cant' make it on her own. she is living on her own with help from housing and she has to split up her electric payments. she was given a truck that she can't afford to put gas in. there is no reason why your daughter can't work a full time job and go to school. if you don't care if she pays you rent for living there, she needs to put 20% of her paycheck in a savings account so that she can get a place of her own. when i was living at home, when i was 16 or so i could come and go as i pleased pretty much. but there was a lot of issues going on at the time in the house. when i was 18 i had a curfew of 1a. there was no reason to be out later than that.

edited: working full time or more hours doesn't mean you will get bad grades. i made the presidents list and deans list while working and watching my niece.

Do you confront her aggressively? I don't mean that in a mean way, but I moved out at 18. My mom never pressured me to do anything and I always felt confident enough in our relationship to go to her if I had a problem. She was never mean or rude to me at all. If you fire back at her, it will only make her worse. I am sure you can remember, but being an 18 year old girl is really hard. Sit down and talk to her CALMLY and cool. Just tell her how you feel and that if she wants to make her own rules, she is going to have to move out. It is not impossible.
At 18, I was playing two college sports and working two part time jobs, on top of 12 units at school. I had my own apartment and my own car and paid for everything, including school, myself. She sounds like she doesn't respect or trust you. If she would have woken you up at 2 in the morning and trusted you to be ok with it, she would have done it.

I don't mean to sound rude or mean, just honest. Every single time you talk to her, think about how it is going to make her feel about you. I am young and completely remember being 18. Strengthen your relationship and everything else will work out.

I have guy friends and if they needed a ride at 18 I would've went and got them. I understand because it is your car too. If she has a job, charge a small rent, 1/4 of her check or so. I was 17 when I joined the Marines, 18 1/2 when I left. I couldn't imagine my parents treating me like this, no offense. If I did something they didn't like they would talk to me (I did use their car, but paid for all the gas and maintanence), but I didn't have a curfew as an adult.. they treated it as they would treat, say, my aunt using their car on her visit. My dad told me when I turned 18 that even though I lived there and needed to help around the house because I lived there still he was going to treat me like an adult because that's what I was. I came home at wee hours in the morning too.. I wasn't drunk or high. I didn't do drugs. We would go to midnight movie shows or just hang out at someone's house or go out to Ihop. If my daughter is 18 I will never tell her she has a curfew. I will ask where she is going so if she never comes home I know where to start a police investigation. I will tell and expect her to do chores around the house. How is she going to be responsible when she leaves the house if she has a curfew as a young adult? Didn't you ever go to the dance club or something as a young adult?

I see it as a teaching opportunity while she is there AND a young adult to show her to be responsible. She is probably making excuses and trying to stay out the house all the time because I bet she feels like she is being treated like a 15 year old (that is how I would've felt at 18). In my opinion, your going to have to let go of the curfew reigns as long as she comes in quiet and doesn't bring people home. The car thing, she should pay for gas/maintenance (oil changes, but not engine troubles). My dad told me it takes a mind shift for parents to treat their kids different than "their kids" to their "adult kids".

The tuition, um no, that is her ultimate responsibility. I would make a chore chart and tell her she does need to take responsibility for HER college unless she wants to be flippin burgers. If your worried about her giving drunk people rides home then get her some bear mace, I honestly would be weary but proud that she would take the heart and time to pick someone up so they didn't drive drunk home. She could've saved a life, but then again I don't know him personally. I just base it off all the guy friends I had, some of them were big scary lookin guys but they wouldn't take advantage of a woman like that. Would they Flirt? yes hit on? yes hurt? no

I made mistakes in my early 20s. Everyone makes silly mistakes. We can't shelter them, even though we are scared of them getting hurt. Having adult conversations will guide her, but it sounds like she is in a power struggle with you. She is fighting for independence, which honestly she deserves to experience. I was just shocked that a mom's 20 yr old below asks for permission to do things, that's just strange. I'm surprised so many people control their young adult kids, no offense to you of course, I just can't imagine how suppressed I would feel not being allowed to learn how to be an adult when I had a safety net instead of when I didn't and would really have fallen. How will they learn to be independent? When will they learn? At 25?

I totally agree with Rosebud, to me it seems like it is wanting a child and an adult at the same time.

So What Happened:

You are right, that isn't adult behavior. I wouldn't care about the stay out all night, sleep all day, but my daughter (if she were 18) better damn well wake up in time to do some chores. And I wouldn't cater dinner around her. Start some tough love. Tell her she won't have a curfew, but if she has to work at 6pm then she better wake up at 330 or something and do her chores. If she wants to just take advantage of your hospitality and free shelter, tell her she needs to get a full time job with full time college and live in the dorms and pay her way. I wouldn't tolerate that either. My daughter would get a stopped cash flow and a stopped car usage if she acted like that.

At this point, cut off all cash. She has to pay for her own gas, her own luxuries, clothes, everything. Pay for her tuition if you want to (have you looked at pell grants, etc), but nothing else. If she wants clothes, movies, gas to go somewhere then she has to shell out the money. If you give her the car and it's on 3/4 of a tank and when she returns it it's on 1/4 of a tank then she either forks over the gas money then or she loses the car for a week or whatever time limit. Stop paying for anything outside of shelter and food. If my daughter kept pushing like that I'd get a LOUD alarm clock and put it right outside her door a few hours before her shift and tell her she needs to do her chores or give me $10, every day I would say that. At the end of the month if she didn't do any chores, you'd have $300 in rent :) And if my daughter tried to stiff me saying she didn't have cash the locks would be changed when she got home from work and I'd tell her there was a $300 entrance fee.

The thing is, she is an adult. She doesn't have to "obey" you at all. Like it or not she is making the choices she wants. If she wants to sleep until2pm and be at work at 3 that is her choice. Not yours. So what if it's not what you want. She is an adult and she will learn from her choices.

You have a choice, let her be an adult or kick her out so she can continue to make the same choices she is making but without the safety net of having you.

you need to lay out some rules and stick to them. the rules are you go to school full time and hold a part time job. you get passing grades. the rules in your house are as follows
each person in living in the home is required to do part of the work give her jobs. she is 18 if she chooses not to follow the rules she moves. it is very simple. and stick to it. my daughter did the kind of thing your talking about when she hit about 22. we told her she had to pay rent (miniscule we told her $25 a week) she said no way. we said fine if you can find someplace cheaper then go ahead. she left for a weekend. came back and said your right. no more problems with that part. but its your house your rules. she is right in that she is older but with the freedom to do as you choose comes the responsibility of paying your own way. it was your job to provide things till she turned 18. thats the cut off date.

I have a daughter that is 20 and she is in college but even when she is at home she still asks permission to do things. She has always been a very responsible kid and I trust her and her judgement. She knows that I would not stand by and put up with things.

I also have a 16 year old at home and he likes to try to push me and see what he can get away with. I told him that if he can not make a contribution to this house then he needs to get out. We are looking into the job corps for him.

I think that you need to sit down and talk to your daughter and tell her that if she can not follow the rules then she needs to get out. I know it is hard but they will push and push until they can run the house. Sometimes life is the best teacher. We only raise them until they are an adult and then it is up to them to be responsible for their own actions. She may decide that she needs to leave and then finds out that life is not so easy, It is important for them to spread their wings and fly.

You really need to have a sit down with her and discuss the situation.
While she's a student, and you are proud that she is, she needs to follow "adult student" rules for the household. Draw these rules up. What you think is fair and what you can both live with. Be willing to negotiate with her until you come up with something that's going to work for both of you.
An adult owns their own car and pays for their own insurance. Remind her that driving is a privilege and not a "right". Remind her that if she were paying rent, and paying for her own car and food you could probably allow her more freedom but since she's still in 'child' mode she has to follow the house guidelines otherwise lose the "privilege" of living there rent free.
Basically, sitting down with her, letting her know you understand what it feels like to 18 because you were there once yourself. Tell her your 18 yr old story, I'm sure you have one too. Over a glass of cold, sweet tea you both need to come up with what works so you dont have to be mad with each other.

I agree with everything Cheryl O wrote! YOUR house YOUR RULE'S! My kid's aren't that old yet but I from now always tell them (whenever they disagree with either me or their father) that WE are the adult's that take care of the bills and so fourth, in other words we are the BOSS! Maybe it's time for her to get out and experience "the real world" and let her see how much you go through? Maybe she'd appreciate it alittle more. It also doesn't matter how well you raised them, at that age (from what I rember) they become brain dead and want to think that they are right and you are always wrong. I'm sure you raised and taught her well. Just put your foot down, I mean STOMP your foot and let her know your the boss and whatever rules you make she has to go by! Good Luck!

Your house, your rules. If she can't follow them, show her the door.

Tell her what she did was wrong. This is her final warning. If she ever pulls a stunt like that again, she's out. Write up a contract, so it's clear to both of you what the rules are. She needs to be working or be in school. She needs to pay her expenses (cell phone, car, insurance, gas, clothing, etc). She has daily, weekly and monthly chores. She eats meals with the family, if she's not home at meal time (unless due to job or school), then she's on her own, she will prepare the food she purchases and clean up after herself.

I'm sure you did not raise her to be like this. She's testing you. She's testing herself. She thinks she's an adult, you know she's not. She still needs your guidance, but if she's not willing to accept it there's not much you can do.

Do not enable her. If you let her get away with this type of behavior it will only get worse.

Well, it seems you don't have any authority in your home, please be strong and confront her , for her own good. Even that she's turn 18 she's still a child and you support her so :is your house your rules. Like she said you are the mom ....be a MOM! And if she doesn't like it she need to find a full time job, an apartment and support herself as the adult that she is.

Updated

Well, it seems you don't have any authority in your home, please be strong and confront her , for her own good. Even that she's turn 18 she's still a child and you support her so :is your house your rules. Like she said you are the mom ....be a MOM! And if she doesn't like it she need to find a full time job, an apartment and support herself as the adult that she is.

It's your house- your rules. End of story. If she doesn't like your rules, help her find a place to live but make her pay for it. If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to start acting like one and that means: in at a reasonable hour, respecting the rules you have set(you can both sit down and decide what would be best for both of you) and either paying you rent or helping out more around the house with cooking and cleaning. If you are paying for her college, she should help pay for her books and/or buy her own car(with her own money).
I don't see why it is so hard for people to say she should'nt have to follow your rules just because she is 18 when almost every one agrees that when you have other visitors(ie: in-laws, boy/girl friends and other relatives) that they should follow your rules in your house.
good luck!
~C.

Jennifer G gave great advice. I also suggest that if you aren't happy with her staying out all night or coming/going in the wee hours, that you can cause some "natural consequences" that will deter that to some degree. Make part of the contract something like making breakfast or coffee or something. Have the entire household get up by 8:00 a.m. to eat and then at 8:30 sharp start cleaning house. Laundry/vacuuming, etc. Lots of noisy stuff. She is expected to take part as the "whole household" will be working together for the upkeep of "the house". :)
She won't like it, but you get what you pay for. ;) If she wants a spa to live at, she'd better get more hours and a better paying job... right?

When I turned 18 that is when my parents started charging me rent. And I did pay it. If I didn't I knew I was expected to help out in other ways like cleaning. I highly suggest that you tell her if she doesn't start following your rules, she has to pay rent and then she can act like it's her apt and can come and go.
I'm 24 and still am paying my parents rent. I help out and I do things I DONT want to do for them. BUT I do remember that time in my life. You do automatically get this air about you now that you are 18. Your an adult! Legally you can do so much! Try to remember how you felt like when you were her age.
I would suggest going to her level, like we are advised with toddler. In essence they are the toddlers of adult life. We have to talk to them like they want to be talked to, and "adult". In stead of lecturing her, sit her calmly and talk to her as if she was your friend of 18 years. I'm sure she will start seeing things from your perspective if you are respectful to her and her want of life experiences.
If she doesn't listen, she will learn the hard way like a lot of us have. It might make her a better person for it. Plus you only have a month left of her 6 am coming home. Unless she is going to a local college and is living at your place, then I would suggest her moving out and getting the experience that she obviously feels like she deserves. GOOD LUCK!

p.s. if you pay for her things, stop it. She wont learn that way. Make her pay for her food, make her own food, pay insurance, car, shampoo, conditioner, ect. THEN she will most definatly learn how lucky she has it.

Oh WOW! Sounds like she got part of her attitude with some people she hangs out with.
When I was 18-19 I still lived at home. (i don't have kids that age, so i'm giving you what i went through when i was that age...i'm 40 now with a 2yr old and 6yr old).....Anyway, when I was that age, I worked part time at a grocery store, and then part time at a clothing store. I used my dad's car when I could, and gave him some money for my part of the insurance. (i was under his insurance at the time). I also paid rent. They just figured of what I was making/bring home a month and went from there as to how much I would pay. You know that saying that goes something like, (you get what you wish for).....Well at that age, I knew I didn't have the money for a car. I use to tell myself that I'd never get a car unless I'm in an accident and it's not my fault. Well, I got what I wished for. I was headed to work when this old man pulled out in front of me, it was raining, so when I slammed on the breaks, the car slid even faster T-boning him. I was bruised up pretty bad and it would have been worse if it hadn't been for the steering wheel tilted up that caught me and prevent my head from smashing in to the windshield. Scary time in my life. I got a settlement, and got my used car from it. I'll never forget my 81 Buick Regal. Awesome car!
OK...back to my story....Anytime I lived with my parents, and there were a few times during my 20s that I did; I had to pay rent. I was making around 9 dollars and hour and paid my parents 300/mth rent. That took a huge chunk from me. When I lived with them, I also had to abide by their rules. Plus not to mention it is also out of respect for my parents that I didn't stay out all night, and came home at a decent hour. Well, midnight was when I came home.
Your daughter has it real easy and she doesn't know it and probably won't appreciate it until she gets in her 30s where she can look back and realize how leanient you have been. :-) I don't think you are being unfair at all. In fact, I think you may want to be even more strict with her. Lay down the law of your household, rent, car insurance, full time job while going to school, and if she doesn't like it, tell her she can go experience life on her own then. She's got to realize living with you, she is making you worry for her safety. Our kids will always be our kids, and the worries never go away. No matter how old we get, our parents will always be concerned with our safety.
I lived in a small town too and worked with my mom at the hospital. Not in the same department, but when I lived on my own, she knew I was safe because she'd see me at work. :-) When I lived on my own, she still worried, but worried more when I lived with her where she can see what I'm doing. (does that make sense?). I'm kind of rambling on here and I'm sorry for that.
Just remember, it is ok for you to give 'tough love'. Your daughter doesn't want to respect you and your house rules, then give her the ultimatum of leaving and living on her own. Then she will be forced to be responsible.
And I'm with you...it wasn't a smart idea for her to run out in the middle of the night/morning to go meet that guy. Of course when I was that age, I use to wash my car at 2am in the morning, not even thinking of what could be lurking out there. That was stupid on my part, but at that age, you just don't think ahead at the "what if's". I did some crazy things in my early 20s. Your daughter will probably do some crazy stuff too. Just always have the door open for her in case she falls. :-) Know what I mean? We always need our parents. No matter how old we get. LOL
Hope this helps. And I hope your daughter comes to grips of what can happen to her with each choice she makes. Take care.

My parents made it clear that when you graduate from high school its continue education under their roof and follow the same rules as in high school except we are to pay for our own eduction and that goes for money-we pay for our own entertainment, cars-we can borrow but fill up the tank and have to follow the schedule of parents, food-be home to eat or not get anything.

There is no reason your daughter should be going this far. And to actually tell you she doesn't think she should have to pay for anything? Ugh, no. I would have just said you follow our rules or you try to do it on your own.

She will learn one way or the other.

As the mom of a 17 year old who will be 18 years old within the year, I can empathize.

I would not tolerate my children going in and out of my house all night long, without some sense of "OK, the doors are locked and we are 'closed for business' until the next morning." So long as they live at home they will be expected to abide by certain reasonable rules that really are just common courtesy to others living in the house.

If my ADULT child ever says to me "you are the mom, you are supposed to provide things" - I will know some tough love is in order. Competent adults are not entitled to be supported by other non-spousal adults. That is a manipulative comment intended to play on your guilt. I would not show any emotion, but I would make it clear that not another cent will be forthcoming. I would tell her that I love her with all my heart, and that I'm going to insist that she grow up now for her own good. I would also pray unceasingly for her. She may make mistakes, but that's part of life. We all make mistake and sometimes that is the best way to learn. Sometimes it is disastrous. But the longer you put it off the worse it might get.

Good luck mom - feel for you and praying that this all works out for the best.

Wow, I'm sure you'll get lots of answers on this one.
First of all, where do these kids get this entitlement?
I never felt like my parents owed me a thing! We had
Work for things. Trust me, I see it with my own nieces
And nephews.
My mom always said you may be 18, but it's our house
Our rules. If not, leave. It was plain and simple. I worked
And I had to pay. I wasn't happy, but wasn't a lot and it taught
Me nothing was free. I was also raised doing chores . Again, I didnt
Like it, but as an adult so thankful!
And yes, lots of things could go wrong picking up a drink guy.
Not too long ago around my neighborhood, drunk friends called their sober
Friend to come pick them up from a party . The sober friend was already home. So off he goes doing the "right" thing. Well, after picking them up he goes through an unfamiliar road (winding) and crashes. And guess who dies? Yes, the one who was doing the right thing! I believe there were a total of 4 and one lived. Can you imagine being that one who lived?
I would suggest setting rules, a curfew and talking to your daughter at length. Raising teens these days is a hard job.
Good luck to you and your daughter !

Personally I don't think an 18 year old should have a curfew... but you are right, it is your house, your rules.
Now you can decide to let her keep living there and possibly come up with some compromises including paying a small amount of rent/ money for the car and agreeing on other rules or you can tell her that it's your way or the highway.
Once she moves out though... you not only will have no say over her coming or going or whom she sees and when, you may also find that will no longer consult you for anything (at least for a while until her "adult experience" has sobered her up a bit.
I don't think there is a cut and dry way to deal with this, it really depends on her personality, your relationship and your (both of you) willingness to compromise. Some kids will fare better with tough love, for others it may be a disaster and force them onto a path that you don't want them on.
You know her best, you know yourself best... one day, you will have to let her go, one way or another.
Good luck.

when my sister was a teen , i told her that i would happily pick her up and drive her where ever she wanted to go, no questions asked, all she had to do is pick up the phone and call me, because i said i would rather drive her somewhere in my pajamas, then let her get in a car with someone who has been drinking. your friends can walk or take the bus, but YOU are not going to be riding with someone who has been drinking, even a little.
more later, toddler
K. h.

When I turned 18 I still lived under my moms roof but didn't have to follow her rules. Actually, I guess I did, because her rules were that once you turned 18 you got a full time job, benefits, a drivers license, a car, and insurance. I did all of those things on my own. I took a city bus to work everyday (2 hrs. each way when it was only a 15 min. drive), and walked two miles to catch it. My mom didn't buy me ANYTHING. I bought my own clothes, tolietries, even food. I didn't have to pay rent, which I was grateful for, so she did put a roof over my head. But like I said, I didn't have to follow any rules. I was a good kid, didn't drink or do drugs, so I guess she knew she could trust me. If I wasn't going to come home for a night, I did call to let her know to lock up, but she never asked where I was going or when I'd be back.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if she wants to be an "adult" let her be. Something will have to give, either her bad attitude will go away quickly or she will realize that she's not ready to be an adult and will follow your house rules. Being an adult is a lot of responsibility but I learned how to be one quickly. I never was "entitled" and worked HARD for everything. By the time I was 20 I moved out on my own into an apartment and knew how tough life could be. It wasn't always easy, but I'm a very responsible adult and my mom NEVER had to "take care" of me and I'm proud of it!

At 18 you will not change her behavior. She will do whatever she CAN within her own desires.

The thing is, you don't HAVE to give her free room and board and an education. And you shouldn't.

I believe that IF a child is so dedicated and driven to do a certain career that takes intensive higher education-so much so that they achieved a scholarship-and they need a LITTLE help making ends meet while they are totally focused on school and work, then OK MAYBE they deserve some support if they totally respect the person helping.

Otherwise, they can support themselves working and going to school (or not if it's not important enough to them to work hard for it) and having their own place like the adult they are.

My parents always told us we'd be out of the house at 18, and we were. We've been totally self sufficient ever since even though it was very rough at times. I flaked on school for a couple of years while working and had to go back later on my own dime when I valued it, and countless other "adventures". I thank my parents for the strength that gave me.

She won't act like an adult until you make her live like one.

The drunk friend and curfews are beside the point. Of course it's not OK. If she had to get up early for work (one of possibly several jobs) every day to pay her rent and bills and car payments it would be a non issue.

Okay, I don't have teenage kids, and when I do I may sing a different tune, but based on how my mom treated me, this is what I would say...

The whole drunk guy thing is like this...was it stupid? Maybe...but she was trying to do the right thing and ya know, maybe she has more experience dealing with drunk people than you think. It probably wasn't her smartest move, but I don't think it's that big of a deal.

If she were in college she could be and probably would be doing all of this and you would never know it. So personally, I would take these instances and teach her how to handle it better instead of telling her that she is not allowed to do this stuff. At this age I didn't have a curfew. I went to college but when I was home on breaks I was allowed to set my own schedule (plus I worked my job that I had before I left) and although I'm quite sure my mom worried, she let me figure it out on my own b/c I had already been doing that.

I do understand the theory of 'my house, my rules' and I'm not necessarily opposed to the line of thinking of sort of deal with it or get out, but it depends on your situation. Why is your daughter living with you...b/c she doesn't want to move, b/c she can't afford it, b/c you want to help her get on her feet, b/c she's leaving for college soon? I kind of think that if you want her there then help her learn how to be on her own instead of just telling her my way or the highway. If she's just living there b/c she thinks that she can get free room and board and isn't planning on working or getting a job, then sure, maybe she does need some harsh reality, but if it's any of the others, I would guide her a little bit more and give her more freedom. Just my 2 cents!

Okay just read the ETA, and well, hmmm. That just isn't nice, so maybe I'd start charging her for gas money or set up a "book fund" that she has to put some money in to help pay for her college books. It's sad that she has these feelings towards you b/c that is certainly not what moms are for! Anyway, take my opinions with a grain of salt, b/c as I said, my kids are only 3 and 1 so I have a long way to go! ;)

Are you looking for an advice what to do?

There are two choices:
1. Nice one - discuss the rules, make them acceptable for both, She works some, pays for some expenses, pitches in with chores, has a curfew. Your house - your rules.
2. Not nice but hard reality - give her a notarized 30 day eviction notice (check your state laws) and then after 30 days legally evict her - I bet her sense of entitlement will deflate fast after that.

If she is going to college in fall - you can tell her that you will contribute what you legally obligated to and the rest -she needs to figure out herself. If she drops out - she is on her own.

I do not know what you mean by saying she was not raised that way. Kids always throw us curved balls and test our strength. They learn and relearn lessons all the time. Your job is not to provide things for her, your job is to teach her to provide for herself. If she does not want you to be her teacher, may be the life will be a better mentor.

At this point, I say let her spend her money the way she wants. . . on her own apartment! It will show her how far her money will go. When she realizes that a part-time job will not support her, she'll be back home, with a new respect for what you have provided for her. It will be a lesson well learned. When she moves back home, give her the smallest bedroom (whether that is the bedroom she has now or not) with the understanding that the room comes with a strict curfew. 2:00 a.m. is what our boys had until they finally moved from home. She should be paying for her own gasoline and insurance for her car too. It's not your expense now that she's an adult. When she starts to school in the fall, pay for the Fall semester. (She should buy her books. Remind her to keep the receipt. She can resell them at the campus bookstore at the end of the semester.) Tell her, upfront, that if she fails or drops any classes, that you will deduct that amount from the amount of tuition you pay for the Spring classes. Then, stick to your guns and do it! She will respect you and she will become a four-year degree student. Nothing gets them through college faster than knowing that they will be footing the bill if they fail or drop a class. It's that over-used cliche "win-win." She needs to keep a part-time job while she is in college, too. When she begins to look for a job after graduation, that will be something that employers will look for before hiring. Many colleges have part-time jobs on campus that will give her the funding for her books and other essentials. She really needs to do this for her self-esteem. When she comes through her college years and begins to establish herself in a career of her choosing she needs to know that she can flourish on her own. If she is given too much, she may feel that she must be helped or that she is invalid. That is the fear here. She needs to be pushed out of the nest to show her that she is able to do these things. Making her strong and independent is the best gift you can give her. With a good education, she can go anywhere!

To get my son to call home if he is going to be late so I don't have to worry I tried everything including taking away his mobile phone, car, laptop, you name it I tried it. Finally I gave him a taste of his own medicine and we stayed out very late and didn't answer our mobile phones. He was so worried and furious that we didn't call. Now he calls

When I was 18 my mother and I had a conversation and besides the "their house, their rules" the most convincing was the discussion about respect for others in the house and the fact my step father would get up about 5:30 every morning and we had dogs who would bark or make noise when someone came home. The nights I had school till late or worked it was one thing because well it was work and school, but other than that I had a curfew until I got married and moved out when I was 21. I see nothing wrong with making her do house work or contributing to the house. She lives there and if it was her own place she would have to do those things.

Make her pay rent or move out. It doesn't have to be much, even $50 a week and if you want put it to the side for her for school or maybe in the hopes she gets married. She lives there, she needs to clean her room, do her own laundry and well buy her own groceries. If she wants to pull the attitude she is an adult, then treat her like any other adult if you were letting them stay in your home or even rent a room. Even when someone is renting or staying with you, there is such a thing as respect.

This is an easy one for me. The curfew at my home for over 18 is 1am if you don't like it or can't handle it...you have to go. She needs to get her own place or live by your rules. You don't have to pay for her college...many of us had to get college educations at our expense. I'm sure once she is out on her own she will get a huge reality check.

If your daughter wants to live her own life since she is 18, so let her lives her life, but NOT in your home and let her know this. If she wants to live with you will be under your roof and under your rules even if she is 18. take it or leave that is what you have to say. She is 18 but she is NOT an adult, she doesn't act like an adult.
State things clear, very clear and act upon those things she is doing wrong voluntarily. Unfortunately, you have to show her consequences even if she is 18. Show her that is YOUR house, she has to help and do chores and work for the roof she has now, otherwise she has to go, you are not her maid. Good luck!