Driving , I Think My Mom Is Afraid...

It's her car and you're asking for it for more than half a day (2 hrs + movie, bowling AND eating out). Try and reach a compromise.

When I was 16 I got a job and bought my own car. Even then, my parents had the final say about where I went and how long I went for. I think though, that by showing them I was responsible enough to hold a job, and go to school and look after a car they were more willing to give me the freedom I desired. Use moms car, according to her rules and limitations. Prove to her you can be responsible and she may loosen up a bit.

Not wanting to be stranded for 6 hours is TOTALLY reasonable.

But, beyond that, IN YOUR OWN LIFE....

... Remember when someone asks you something: an okay/correct response is ALWAYS "no". You are under no obligation to say yes, just because they're asking*.

From can I have half your sandwich, to may I borrow your car, to can I have sex with you, to will you work this shift?

No doesn't NEED an explanation. We give explanations to people we CARE about, to be polite.

You asked your mom a question
She said no & gave you an explanation (because she cares about you)
AND have you an alternative (if you want to change your plans, you can take the car for 2 hours.

So.... Yeah, hon, you freaked out on someone trying to be nice to you.

__________

* Sometimes adults ask people things when they actually mean to tell them something. (Like 'Can you set the table?'. Its a bad habit. In general, the ? is used instead of a 'please' OR as a gentle reminder. The HINT is that if saying 'No' leads to consequences, then it was never really a question. So litmus test : Give me you car! wouldn't fly, so it IS a question. Which means 'no' is a totally appropriate response.

BIG HINT dealing with parents:

This is going to sound stupid... But TRY it:

Parents are people. (Told you it'll sound stupid. But seriously, DO try it.). The FASTEST way to get treated as an adult, and "get" the most from your parents... Is to treat them like a FRIEND. Smile at them! Use "Its okay! No worries! Thanks for thinking about it!", ask about their day. Be NICE to them.

The more someone is nice to someone else... The more responsible/ reasonable the other person assumes they are.

The more someone gets angry at someone, the LESS responsible/reasonable people assume they are.

So open up at least once a day, be interested in their lives, totally assure then you can see where they're coming from, go out if your way to spend time with them (even set up a coffee date from time to time)...just be NICE (treat them like a friend)... And you will see a MAJOR difference in how you yourself are treated.

Right now, if something came up and she needed the car, as a KID (in her mind) she'd expect a tantrum, pouting, being upset, avoiding her calls/texts, etc. Earn her trust as a FRIEND, who would totally drop everything to come to her rescue and be glad to do it... And she'll be FAR less afraid to lend you her car when she might need to use it. Ditto... Friends call and see if you need anything on the way home. Get in the habit of calling to see if she needs anything from the store on your way home. (And don't forget it!). Seriously... Be NICE... And worlds will open up for you.

It will take at LEAST a few weeks of being nice on a daily basis to start seeing change for most people. This isn't a 'be nice because you want something then throw a fit if you don't get it' thing (which a lot of teens, and some adults do. Just think how you'd feel if someone you THOUGHT was a friend was only nice when they wanted something from you.). This is an honest to goodness be nice to someone thing as a general rule.

You're both right, but since your mom is your mom she gets the final say and is more right than you are. :-)

Having a driver's license doesn't give you an automatic free pass to the car any time you want it, and it doesn't mean that you get to use the car for whatever you like for as long as you like. If your mom tells you that you can use the car for two hours then find an activity that you can do during those two hours. That would mean skipping a movie. You can still go out to eat and maybe go to the mall or bowling for a while.

That was your mom's compromise, and I think you would be wise to accept it. I also think you should probably apologize to your mom for "freaking out." Maybe when you're out you can get her a truffle from Godiva if they have that store at the mall. ;-)

It is her car. No matter what.
She does not even have to let you use her car.
You can go out, without a car, and have your friends etc., pick you up. For example.
You got around before this without a car.
Your mom can do what she wants with her car.
She is letting you use it. But it might not always be convenient.... for you.
So appreciate that.
Don't freak out. You are 16. Show her you are respectful... and then I'm sure she will allow you more time with her car.
You do seem honest and do tell your Mom your plans and when you will come home, and you do, do that. Keep it up.

But again, she does not have to, let you use her car.
Speaking for myself... I have 2 kids and a Husband and a Grandma that lives with us. BUT, we only have 1 car in our family. So... ALL the time, EVERYDAY....we ALL have to, SHARE our car. And that means, thinking about everyone else's plans/schedules and where they have to go and at what time and when they will be home.
But that is what you do... when that is what you have to do.
We don't freak out about it.
Because- this is life. And we only have 1 car. And this is just the way it is.
So deal with it.

You are lucky, you do not have to pay for the car Insurance.
Do you know, how expensive that is?
YOU need to research these things, so that you can respect, the use of a car. Be smart. Be cognizant.

Your Mom is paying the insurance, for her car. And now that you drive... she HAS to... add you onto her car insurance plan... and that can impact the amount she has to pay.
So please realize... all these things, that your Mom has to do and pay for and be responsible for, just so you can use her car.
It costs hundreds of dollars, just to have a car.
She could make you ride a Scooter instead or a bus. And not use her car.

Do you know... there are even some Moms... that do not have a car to use???? And they have children and/or a baby. But they do not even have a car to use... because they have 1 car only and the Husband has to take it to work ALL day long. And then the wife and children at STUCK at home, all day long, all week long.
A car is a necessity for a Mom or parent.... but not for a child.
But even some parents and adults, don't even have a car.
Again, because it costs hundreds of dollars.

Some Adults, don't even have a car... because of how expensive it is, even if they have a job. They can't afford it.
There is Insurance to pay for, gas, paying for repairs and regular maintenance etc. It is not cheap.
Again, it costs Hundreds of dollars.
Do you have... hundreds of dollars???? If not thousands?

Your Mom does not HAVE to, let you use her car. She pays for it. You don't.
It is her... car. She could have bought you a Scooter.
And she probably wants you to show some responsibility and maturity and respect, about your "new" obligations and responsibilities... of having a "driver's license."

If your Mom told you you can only stay out for 2 hours.
Then do it.
Or tell her you'd rather drive.... a Scooter. When I was your age and in college... I had lots of friends, that did NOT have a car... and they drove a Scooter and owned, a scooter to drive around.

Remember... the car is her's. She is letting you use it. THEREFORE, you HAVE TO... also, realize that there are schedules and timing and plans, to take into consideration, of the other person. ie: Your Mom.
Your Mom can change her mind if she wants to.

A car... is NOT an automatic right.
It is not, even a necessity.
For many, it is a luxury.

And a car, is NOT an entertainment.
It is a responsibility.
And, keep in mind, because you are a Minor aged child and a dependent under the law... your Mom, is ALSO paying for your Medical Insurance, which costs at least 2-3 or more, HUNDREDS of dollars a month. For you.
AND she is also, paying for all of your school things, your clothes, your entertainment money, and your needs.

You need to think, beyond... the use of the car.
And everything else, that is going on.

Show her, you are more than just a 16 year old Teen with a driver's license. She didn't even have to.... allow you to get a driver's license.
I know several people, who are even 19 years old, that only just NOW... got a driver's license. Why? Because, their parents were demanding, that they get a job and HELP TO PAY for the car's use and maintenance and... Insurance costs.
I also work with a guy... a grown up Man, who does not even have a car. Why? Because, it is too expensive. And he instead, buys a bus pass to get around.
And I also know a Woman, a Mom... who WALKS her kids to school everyday, rain or shine. Why? Because, her family can't afford 2 cars. And at least they live close enough to the school, to walk there.

You are only... 16 years old with a driver's license.
Count yourself lucky.
And SHOW... your Mom... that you are MORE than just a Teenager... who only thinks about going out for fun.
How are your grades, for example?
Do you have nice responsible friends?
Are you showing, maturity and common sense?
Do you, show reciprocal appreciation and caring, to your Mom?

All of this, is Life.

And most of all... do NOT play emotional manipulation with your Mom, just to use the car.
Don't create "drama" about it or fail to follow her rules, just because you are freaking out and mad and you want to use HER, car.
This is childish.

AND ALSO, what is important is that your Mom can TRUST you. Completely.
You have to "earn" this.
And prove it, by your overall behavior.
And by how responsible, and mature, you are.

Do you, know how to change a flat tire????
Do you know, how to fill up the gas tank yourself?
Do you know... the difference between just getting the car gassed up... and actually getting a "full serve" at the gas station and what it is for???
A car, is not just about getting it filled up with gas. You NEED to also... get the oil and fluid levels occasionally checked too, so that your car does not break and run out of needed fluids.
Do you know, to get the tires checked too? And for what?
Do you know what to say, at a gas station, if you need the car checked?
Do you know, WHAT to do, in case of a car emergency???? What if you are stranded somewhere, because the car battery is dead, for example?
Do you even know, where the battery is in the car?
Do you even know, how much money... it takes to fill up the gas tank???
Do you even know... what all those car indicator icons and lights on the car's dashboard, means????
Have you even read.... the car's manual????
Maybe, take some classes on car maintenance too.
I would make my kids do that.
It is life. And responsibility, for using a car for fun or for real need.

Then, you just want to use the car for fun.
BUT... if the car is dirty? Are you going to tell your Mom to clean it?
Or, can YOU... wash it, wax it, vacuum it, and clean the windows too???
How responsible, are you willing to be, to just "use" the car for fun? And but you get mad and freak out, if your Mom is busy with the car herself...
Or if she tells you how long you can be out for, with, her car.

It's not wrong but no parent would feel ok letting a newly licensed driver take off in the car for the amount of time your asking for. start with much smaller amounts and build up her trust by being back when your supposed to each and every time safely. and not sure about laws in your state but in Illinois New drivers are not allowed to drive with more than one passenger at a time for the first year

Her car, her rules.
She pays the insurance, she pays for maintenance and she pays to keep gas in the tank, and she worries about you - it comes with giving birth.
It's going to take some time but you earn trust by being responsible and showing maturity.
Freaking out is not mature.
You can't come across as "Give me the keys and get the heck out of my way".
Earning/saving money to help pay for gas is mature.
Ultimately you might have to earn/save enough to buy your own car and pay for your own insurance.
There's isn't going to be a quick easy fix for this.
You're 16 and the ink isn't even dry on your license yet.
You might want to think about running errands for your Mom using the car.
My Mom use to have me pick up a few things at the store for her.
Using the car is not all about you using it for your good times.

I think the reason you're feeling frustrated is because you asked about your plan on Wed and she seemed agreeable. Then, when the rubber hit the road, she changed her mind, correct?
That was disappointing, I'm sure.
You'll learn in life that when you are at the mercy of someone else's things and decisions, you'll need to "roll with it" sometimes and it never hurts to have a back up plan. Surely there was do severe to go or so ethi g to do for two hours, right?

Compromise. Yes, you're upset because you're excited. But yes, she's concerned because she's your mom - it's her job (LOL).

Find some way to schedule. This is new for both of you. And now is the time to start saving money for your own car and insurance. The more "adult" you can be about this, the better off both of you will be.

Driving a car is a HUGE responsibility. Apologize for the freak out. Do what you can to work with your mom re. sharing her car - pay a bit toward insurance. Pay for gas once a month, and her confidence will grow. It'll be a win/win for both of you.

Your mom's house, your mom's car, your mom's rules - sorry kid, but sometimes a mother's gut, and her wish to keep you safe, trumps whatever plans you may have. If you don't like it, figure out a way to earn the money to buy your own car, pay your own bills, pay for gas, insurance and maintenance/repairs.

I got my license at 16 but still was not allowed to drive alone or take the family car anywhere for 8 months - and then it was only because I had something I had to do at school and nobody was going to be able to drop me off or pick me up.

The fact that it's at night, on a Saturday, and you are making plans with friends, is what might be making your mom more nervous. There are more drunk drivers out on a Saturday night. And if you are planning to be driving with your friends in the car, you could be easily distracted. Just because you have the license doesn't mean you have all the experience you need to keep yourself and others safe.

You might be able to get a little further with your mom if you can try to discuss the matter calmly and rationally rather than "freaking out" on her. Your feelings are valid, but it's never ok to just freak out on someone. You guys need to talk things over and try to compromise and meet in the middle - if you want to be given more "adult" privileges and responsibilities, you need to be able to handle things in a more adult and mature fashion. Freaking out on someone and yelling at them and arguing will not get them on your side. My daughter is only 5 but if she ever asks for something without using her manners, is rude about it, or whines, or has a temper tantrum over it, my answer is automatically NO.

So see if you can get your mom to say yes to:

1. Movie only, even though it's a little more than 2 hours
2. Other plans, like bowling OR eating out, if it's within the 2 hour time frame, or at the most, 4 hours.

2 hours might not seem like enough, but you don't have to do ALL those things and be out for 6 hours either.

If that is her car it seems normal. I can't stand when my husband uses my car because I can't drive his work van or his truck, too freaking big.

I let my two oldest drive where ever they wanted and for as long as they wanted because they had their own cars at sixteen and cell phones. When they had to use mine for some reason I had a litany of excuses.

I suggest that this is new to both of you and it will take time for her to get used to you driving and for her to be without a car. Just be patient while she works this out.

No one is wrong. It's OK to freak out tho I doubt that it helped you get what you wanted. Being sympathetic and going along with it for this time is the way to keep the pressure off her so that she'll become more comfortable. By freaking out you gave her the concern that you're not mature enough to be on your own.

Of course she has a right to say you can't use the car. Try to understand why she said this and sympathize with her anxiety.

I'd go back and apologize for freaking out. Tell her you're trying to understand what it must be like to have to share a car after all these years. Ask her to think about how you're excited to be driving.

Be patient. Know that she'll be less anxious as she gets used to you driving.

How would you've gotten to the movies/dinner before getting the license? Have that as a back up for when you can't have the car.

By the way I'd say no to dinner, a movie and bowling all on the same evening. I'd say yes, to fast food and a movie or bowling. I wonder if your Mom would've been more apt to let you use the car if your plans weren't so extensive.

And.....what are the laws in VA? In OR a 16 yo driver cannot drive with other teens in the car. I'm not sure of the details but I do know that you and your friends could not drive in the same car without an adult present.

I think you have no place to be "freaking out" on your mother for deciding against letting you use HER car. For whatever reason. You are 16. Do you pay gas and insurance on her car? Do you contribute to the maintenance costs (oil changes, tune ups, new tires and alignments, brake jobs, new batteries, etc)? I'm guessing the answer is no.
You have ZERO claim to HER car.
Stop feeling so entitled.

You are wrong.
Now go be nice to your mother.

If you want to drive your mother's car....CHILL out and don't FREAK out. She's is afraid for your safety and so are most parents of teen drivers. Ask her to drive with you here and there and pretty soon you will gain her confidence.

I would be very concerned for your safety since a 16-year-old, let alone a new driver, is at high risk for dying in an accident. I saw too many friends die that way in high school. Way too many.

I will let my kids learn when they are 18, though I imagine even in college they will simply live on campus and won't have cars, so the real driving would be after that, even. In their 20's.

I can't speak for your mother, but yes, teen driving freaks me out because I don't want to lose my kids. Most things, I'm pretty lax. But not teen driving.

Ask her if you can get a part time job and buy your own car.

Hi, Naaemah:

First of all, you don't need a car at 16 to go and have fun.
Do you have a job?
One of your duty's as a child is to honor your father and mother.
Doesn't seem like you are honoring your mother by writing on this social media.
Learn to accept NO for an answer. Wait until you get out in the world. You will have NO's all over you.
Get use to not having your way.
Start doing something for your family instead of having your hand out.
Good luck.
D.

Your mother has the right to change her mind; she is the parent. That said, more notice would have been appropriate given that you had made plans with other people and your change in time could affect their plans as well. That was not very respectful of your mother BUT you "freaking out" and acting disrespectful in return will not accomplish anything. You are almost an adult and, with the addition of your license, you now have some adult responsibilities. One of the ways to show that you are becoming an adult is to handle stressful/uncomfortable/difficult situations with fairness, tact and grace. "Freaking out" is childish. Go back to your mother and apologize. Tell her you should have handled her change in plans better; by having a productive conversation which you would now like to have. Explain that her change in plans affected not only your plans but the plans of your friends and that you need to be able to give people proper notice in those situations. Also, it's time to discuss your role in paying for gas, insurance, etc. and whether or not you need to get your own vehicle. Try to have an open, honest, adult dialogue so that your mother can see you for the woman you are becoming and not the child she sees in her mind (cut her some slack, as mothers we still see you all as our "babies"). I commend you for seeking advice from a group of mothers so that you can appreciate your mom's point of view. Good luck.