My Responsible Child Morphed into an Irresponsible, Lieing, Angry Jerk!

I cannot even imagine the humilitaion that he feels being SPANKED at 13 YEARS OLD!!!!!!! I don't care where you live and what you do for a living-IN NO UNIVERSE IS THAT OK. You are abusing him and he know it. And he resents it. And he is starting to hate you for it. And I do not blame him.

Spanking a 13 year-old ? Are you kidding? And name-calling! I certainly hope you don't call him a jerk to his face! You said you found him hitting the horses - why do you suppose he's doing that? Because you are showing him by your actions that violence is OK. You need to take a step back, Mom, and consider the possibility that YOUR behavior is worsening HIS behavior. This does not mean your son's actions are acceptable, just that at this point I think you are adding fuel to the fire. Take a deep breath and calm down. Your son sounds like he has alot of good qualities too! Teens will test your patience - that is a given. You clearly need to learn (both of you) to communicate better. Are there any family counseling resources in your area that you could get in touch with? It is a critical time in your child's life - you certainly don't want him growing up into an angry young man and then angry adult. You MUST start from a place of mutual respect - show him you respect him, and you are more likely to get his respect (and cooperation) as a result. Don't give up on him!

OK -I really don't know where to start! First of all, your son hasn't morphed into anything but a teenager! Secondly -spanking a kid this age is beyond ridiculous. I don't care if your pro or anti spanking -13 is FAR too old to do this. No wonder he's angry! I would be too. Do you really have to wonder why he's hitting horses and being sneaky? I'm sure he's FULL of anger and resentment! You seem to have some pretty unrealistic expectations of him. I'm by no means a "loose" or "slack" parent, but my children are not tenants of mine who I only do things for in return for work being done. YES, kids should have chores and responsibilities around the house, and if they want extras that are beyond the family's budget, then it's fine to tell them they have to earn the money for them, but quite honestly you're being FAR too hard on this kid. Does he even want to do the show horse thing? Did he want the bulldog puppy? The last thing he needs is to be shipped of to some reform school -it sounds like he needs some genuine love and affection at home -and to be treated like a son and not some tenant who works for you.

***In answer to your edit -my father grew up working on a family farm and I grew up in a very rural area around numerous farm families. NONE of them were spanked at age 13. My father had no childhood and basically he and his sibilings were like little slaves on the farm. He's a wonderful man, but he has had life-long issues with rigid behavior, never being able to relax or let go and truly enjoy himself. I'm glad that you do talk and spend time together and I know growing up on a farm is different, but there's still no reason to work him constantly or hit him. I really hope you and your entire family will seek some counseling help, and I hope you will encourage him to tell you the truth -even if he things it's not something you want to hear -about how he feels regarding the whole horse thing. I hope he does love it and that things work out, but serious help is needed here.

Yes, teenagers are frustrating. They are pushing their boundaries and testing yours. But, keep in mind that you want to raise a responsible adult, not a child. You have a 13 year-old who gets good grades, is in sports, has a hobby, has had summer jobs. Wow, that's wonderful! I'd suggest taking a deep breath and putting things in perspective here.

What he needs is to be given responsibilities, not just chores that you assign and then punish him over. Did you consult him before assigning chores? Did he have a say in what, how, when, he does these things, within reason? Spanking doesn't work past about age 3, not 13. If you hit him, why are you surprised he hits the horses? If you are angry, he will be angry.

I would suggest finding a good family counselor, for all of you, not just him. There are a lot of effective parenting approaches besides "tell him once and then start spanking him"! Again, he is becoming an adult, what type of adult would you hope he becomes? You are his role models.

No spanking at this age. Period. Try love and logic--they are fantastic. We had a horse ranch, so I understand where you are coming from. How about instead of selling the horse (if he really still enjoys the work and competition), if he acts out he forfeits the next competition? I agree with the other posts that recommend talking and LISTENING! Find out what is going on.

First of all, he is too old for spanking. I am NOT someone who doesn't believe in spanking at all.. we spanked our kids.. but my son is now 12, and I think he is just about too big to be spanked at all. Our daughter is 9, and she is not too old, but it is truly a rarity that she is disciplined that way. (Almost got one last weekend for spraying the dog with the water hose--totally disrespecting the dog).

It's been a long time since our son has gotten one.

I don't know how much your son is required to do or how much free time he gets, or if he has siblings... but what he has to do (that you've listed) sounds like quite a lot. He has to go deal with the horses in the mornings before school and at night I presume? Also his schoolwork (which in 8th grade can be a lot sometimes). I'm assuming he has to train WITH the new horse.. which while fun, is also an obligation of his time. He works to earn money for his "extras".. and apparently was playing football too. He cleans up the kitchen after every meal? (He does it all alone after EVERY MEAL? Really?) What does his part in "helping" care for the puppy entail?
Honestly, it sounds like a LOT to me. That is a lot for anyone, especially a boy who's hormones and growth are spewing and he is trying to juggle all these daily responsibilities.

Maybe you could have him help with the kitchen/dishes on M, W, F or on F,S&Sundays...
Honestly, it sounds like every hour of his waking day he has some responsibility to manage. No wonder he is rebelling and getting an attitude. I feel that way sometimes about it when it is day in day out with no breaks.

He might have 'plenty of time' for these things... but he needs some "down time" also. To mentally relax. He is just turning into a teenager and needs to figure things out. It is a hard age, even without pressure to remember a lot of responsibility beyond caring for himself. A lot of parents would be thrilled to have their 13 year old just be responsible for THEMSELVES! Let alone the household pet, the yard animals, the laundry, the dinner AND themselves, every day.

He's still a kid. My 12 year old son LIVES for his unscheduled time. If he doesn't get a 4 hour block of time at LEAST once a week (usually Saturdays and Sundays) an a minimum of the last hour before bed EVERY DAY to just chill/veg out... he gets really overwhelmed. They need those times to process the whole week of life (expectations, work, friends/relationships, school, themselves, etc).

Maybe you should sit down and talk with him. WITH him. Let him know that it seems like he is a little overwhelmed with all the responsibility and ASK HIM what he thinks could make things more managdable. What sort of compromises or alterations could make things better? (Don't throw everything out the window and start from scratch, but maybe have him plan on 2 hours on Sat morning doing laundry, puppy care, and cleaning the kitchen/vacumming, etc; and then the rest of the week, he doesn't have to think about laundry duty - other than to have his own laundry in the laundry room and picked up not in the floor).

And the "sneaking" food, that's probably pretty normal. My son is hungry almost constantly... they are GROWING. The thing is to not get mad, but try to direct them to good food choices, rather than junk. So don't keep junk in the house if you don't want to catch him noshing on it. Or only buy chips or whatever once a week, and when it's gone it's gone until next week.

If he is hitting the horses, he must REALLY be overwhelmed. That doesn't sound like he is doing it to spite you guys, just overwhelmed and frustrated. And when he is (presumably) alone with the horses, he is letting it out. So you need to work with him to find a better way for him to lesson that frustration level, and to deal with the frustrations that he does have.

Good luck.

At 13 my kids were allowed to open the fridge and get a pop out if they wanted one....that seems curious to me.
He's hitting the horses, he has some really emotional issues going on.
You need to take him out into the wide open spaces where it is quiet with a beautiful view. Focus on the view, do not look in his eyes. Talk to him about how he is feeling and what is going on with him. Tell him how much you love him and that you've noticed these changes and you are worried. Love him up and get him to talk to you..... he is hurting inside. From what you have written he is under quite a bit of pressure (sure, we all wish we could man up and handle pressure but some just cant, some need to learn how to deal), you need to be his mommy and talk to him. He has some things on his mind. You have to listen and really hear what he has to say and don't discount his thoughtsfor feelings by saying something like "that is just ridiculous"... you will squash his spirit and any chances of being emotionally connected with your child.
You seem to be treating him like a commodity rather than a child, I may be misconstruing your post, but I'm just telling you what I see.
Your boy is hurting inside, please get to the bottom of it... he needs attention asap.

Listen, I don't doubt what u are going thru, but I can't even visualize spanking a 13yr old boy. I respect that people have their views on discipline but I always feel that kids who get spanked use physical violence towards others and it won't be pretty if he turns around and hits you back. He's acting out and it could be part hormonal, part rebellion, part school issues. Spanking him and sending him off to obedience school is a sure way to alienate him more. You need to find some other way. Is his stepdad Close with him?li guess you need to bear with him. Try not to blow your cool as hard as it is.

I think the teenage monster has arrived. The majority of your "complaints" are normal teenage issues. I suggest you read up on normal teenage behavior. Their bodies and emotions are changing and they don't know how to handle it. It sounds like you have had strict rules. It's time to de die if some of those rules can be lifted now that he is older. For example he is sneaking pop and candy. Don't know what this means, but would it hurt to give a little on this to gain in other areas. What age do you expect he gets to decide about this? For chores, make a list of expected chores and then discuss it with him. Expect to take one or two away. The point is teaching him how to correctly negotiate and to start respecting his input. There are always points that are non-negotiable and parts that are. Your at the point in his life where he should gradually start making decsisions with your guidance. When he makes mistakes you help him with dealing with the consequences and teach him we all make mistakes, pay the consequences, hopefully learn from it, and move forward.
Hitting the horse - your surprised? When you hit him at 13? I think he is doing what he has been taught. If you want him to not hit, you need to not hit. He is also reached the age where the body boundaries are in flux. One day you are likely get a violent reaction from him because he will act on instinct, you intruded on his physical sense of self. That reaction will be your fault because you shouldn't be hitting him.
If you are truly thinking about sending him to a school for disobedient boys, you really need to learn about teenage behavior. Your boy is NORMAL! You haven't even reached the bad behavior yet. These years are rough on parents. Just when you need to slowly let go, the consequences can be the highest. If you don't slowly let go, you will harm him and/or he will resent you forever. This is hard stuff, but all parents go though it. Good Luck!

I had this same problem with my 13yo, who is now 15. My son would express alot of anger with me and his siblings. I would take away anything that would make him happy or just getting to the point absolutly not doing nothing. Sit at the table and write a story, he would get so upset and half the time still go over my word. I would try spanking him but by that time he was eye level and just about the same weight. It didnt fase him. Nothing hurt him, or touch him. He would try and be in control and say he wasnt going to football practice and bully his brothers, I would get so angry and say everything in the book I could think of. No friends, no tv, no video games, no extra sweets, dont ask for nothing, nothing, nothing. He would not care, he literly said ok.
Until one day, he was in one of his moods and I was so upset I started crying, and just told him how he made me feel, how I felt I was failing as a mother, and BINGO. It totally changed my son. I completely found his soft spot. He will never do anything to hurt me, he protects me from everything and anyone who hurts me. Just now starting high school and he is such a blessed child. I love him to death and so grateful that my child is almost perfect and ALWAYS thinks of ME, before he reacts.
Not that this may help yoou with your son, but there s something that will touch your son deeply and thats what you need to figure out, and use this as a source of disapline. It sounds like your son loves his horse, maybe threaghten to take away the horse temporarly, and explain to him how his action makes the people around him feel. I have always believed in boys, that spanking only really worked when they were younger. Because they are alot tougher and want to be macho.
Good luck!!! Be patient! It will all work out evenutally.

I really am not sure how to handle this just some insight. I don't think the spanking is working at this point, so time to put your foot down. As part of the family he needs to help with all the chores.

I grew up on a dairy farm and we were expected to get up every morning and do chores, go to school, and come home to more chores and homework. I resented it like hell growing up and couldn't wait to get the hell out of there, however. It taught me a lot about work ethic, and I can honestly say looking back now, that it taught me some great life lessons.

I think this is just part of being a teenager, but he also needs to know that he is part of family that works together to keep the home and everything else working together. Maybe you should try helping him with some of the chores and try talking to him a little bit while doing this. I know if my father had helped us a little more it might have been a little better.

Who spanks a 13 year old? He's too old. I totally agree with Grandma T. When was the last time you really talked to him? Talk to his teachers and the counselor at school. There is something going on with him and he needs help! He doesn't need you to hit him.

If there is truely nothing going on and he's entered the rebellious teen stage, lay down some rules. Give him a chore chart and if he doesn't complete his tasks, then there will be consequences.

I am very concerned that he is hitting the horses. This is more troubling than not doing his chores.

Good luck.

to clarify the repeated message here about talking -- it's not about telling him things, he already knows what you expect. Now it's time to LISTEN. Ask him straightforward questions-- what's going on, why is this so hard to get chores done, what are you feeling, how can we improve things, what do YOU think needs to change?-- then be quiet and really listen.