What Should the Punishment Be?

I have heard about studies that show that spanking is not very effective as a means of punishment in children over 6. If more punishment is necessary, you can try taking away all electronics for a set time, or early bedtime, or something else.

I personally think third grade is too old for spanking. She's 8 or 9, right? Some girls that age are beginning puberty. Just too old for spanking, in my opinion.

I think that taking away the DS is punishment enough and is a natural, logical consequence. Spanking? Really? What does that teach - I can hit you because I'm bigger? Tell your husband to calm down and grow up.

Natural consequences.

She disobeyed you regarding the DS, so take the DS away for at least two weeks. Let her know that if she does it again, she loses it indefinitely.

Spanking? Why? What is the purpose?

I like the letter of apology.
And either letting the school hold on to it, until you all feel she can handle the responsibility of keeping it at home hidden. Or you all putting it away for a while. When she does earn it back, let her know if she doe it again, you will donate it to a child that deserves it and can be responsible. And then do it, if needed.

I also know when my parents would tell me. "I am so disappointed in you. I thought you were mature enough to know better. I guess I was mistaken, so I will just have to treat you like a little kid for a longer time."
I was devastated. That was the worst punishment to me. I always wanted to be good. I wanted to be called mature and seen as mature.

What makes your daughter tick? That is the secret.

Why does it need to include a spanking? Taking away the DS (whatever that is) is a natural and logical consequence, and that's all you need to do.

If you feel she needs a more severe punishment, take the DS away for a longer period of time, like a month.

She'll get the message.

A letter is great as well. Any chance to practice writing and letter-writing is a good thing, so it's a win-win.

Spanking is completely irrelevant and unnecessary in this case.

Spanking is unnecessary.
Just keep her DS for a week.

So....she defies you and your husband thinks that hitting her is the right answer?
How about you sit down and talk with her about how she disappointed you. Take the DS for a week or two. Add some CHORES to her daily life! Clean the bathroom, pull some weeds, cut the grass, do the dishes.
I always like to make extra chores a punishment. Smackin' my kid just doesn't sound right to me.
L.

No spanking.
It doesn't teach anything.
It teaches hitting is okay.

When my aunts were spanked, they laughed or smirked because they knew it did not "hurt" them as much as having coveted items taken away.

My parents were smart and took away priviledges (toys when I was young), I was grounded etc. Nothing I hated more than disappointing my parents THEN having to be stuck at home with them watching their faces knowing/feeling their disappointment.

Take away her DS for a week. That's hits home.

Why does the saying, "when all you have is a hammer every problem is a nail" come to mind?

Discipline is a toolbox, no one just has a hammer in their tool box, well looking at some of the answers some might, or just a screwdriver, who knows how far I will take this metaphor. :p

Thing is, you are pulling out a hammer when you need a screwdriver. Spanking has its place in the toolbox but only when it is useful. Here it isn't because all it will teach is hide your mistakes at school. Is that really the lesson you want here?

The screwdriver is taking the DS away until she shows she can follow this type of direction. She didn't have self control, she wanted to bring it so she brought it. Oh and the offense is lack of self control, don't be all dramatic and go with not listening and being dishonest. She did listen, she didn't have it in her to comply. She wasn't dishonest, she didn't say no it isn't in there, you didn't ask. Self control! She lacked appropriate self control.

What amazes me about all this hand wrenching about spanking is no one even identified the actual problem. Everyone just jumped up and defended their favorite tool and put down everyone else's tool. My favorite is a miter saw...don't ask. :)

I think spankings should be reserved mostly for safety issues (darting into the road, running away from you in a crowd, etc).

I think the school punished her for breaking the school rule (they took the DS and called her parents). You could also give an extra chore (not one she normally has) or no friends over, etc. as your punishment for getting in trouble in school.

I definately think you should punish her for disobeying and sneaking by loosing what it involved...this time it's no DS for a week (in our house that would translate to no electronics for that time period). Disobeying and sneaking ranks right up there with lying and is much worse than the rule breaking (taking DS to school) was and should be dealt with accordingly.

omg, don't hit her.
she was embarrassed at school and has lost her DS. i think that's plenty, but if she's snotty or defiant or doesn't seem to understand why this is a big deal, then more work needs to be done. just piling on punishment is counter-productive in most cases. if you REALLY want to just punish her more, take away tv or sleepovers or something.
ETA- how is spanking NOT hitting? i was spanked and survived just fine, and spanked my kids and they survived just fine. so i 'understand' it quite well. i also 'understand' that every time i spanked my kids (which involved me applying my hand to their butts with enough force to sting them, ie hitting), which i always did calmly and after letting them know it would happen if they continued, i had other and more effective methods available to me. if mamapedia had been around and i had other mothers to consult with, maybe i'd have figured them out and tried them. so yeah, i'm entitled to 'judge.' it's what we do each time we respond to a post.
khairete
S.

Spanking does not address the offense. Not to mention she's getting to the age where you better figure out other forms of punishment. I don't believe spanking is ever effective but it also becomes obsolete as they age and you have to switch to discipline that actually makes sense.

No more DS is a no brainer. Since she lacked the judgment required to use the DS at only appropriate times then she loses the DS. I would let her earn it back in small doses through excellent behavior and making good choices. Like no DS for a week or two and after that for short periods of time as she shows you she has learned her lesson.

Discipline without spanking is much harder, you have to be consistent over a long period of time, you have to use good judgment and vigilance. It's easy to cave after a while and let them have what they want just to move on but you need to lay down the law and follow through. You need to model the behavior you're trying to instill. Spanking is the easy way out.

It isn't unusual for kids to be in trouble as soon as school begins. They test this year's boundaries (not to mention this year's teacher). Anything can happen, and teachers know it.

Is your daughter prone to dishonesty right now? That is, have you struggled with it often before? That's important to think about.

If this is a "first time offense" (to make it sound really big), then losing her DS will be consequence enough, although you and your husband will want to talk to her briefly about honesty and attentiveness, especially as a big third grader. She's seeing the consequences of dishonesty and inattentiveness already. Not only did she lose her device, but her parents have lost some trust in her, and she'll need to earn it back with honest behavior.

Think about what your want your daughter to go away thinking about. You may want her to think, "Can't take that to school; Mom and Dad say no and I can't get away with it with Mrs. Jones either." In that case, she has learned what she needs to learn right now about living honestly, and it will tie in well with her growth in integrity as she gets older (say, next month).

Another thing you want to think about is how the school has handled this. If you don't know what their policy is, ask the principal. The best situation is for parents and teachers to be on the same team.

Let the school keep it for a while. If you take something to school that you aren't supposed to take then they get to keep it. I've done this one.

A spanking goes over board. It's a first offense and one many kids try. You know the saying "it never hurts to try" well, sometimes when you go against the rules it does. Lesson learned.

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with your hubby on the spanking. And for those who asked, this is what spanking an 8 year old looks like: You have the child stand and grab the back of a chair or couch and you administer 2 - 3 open handed swats on the behind. Nothing dramatic and overly violent.

I have to agree with that because I really don't think taking the DS away for a week or two gets the message across that open defiance will not be tolerated. The lesson will soon be forgotten and she will openly defy you again, knowing that whatever consequences she receives won't really be that bad and she might consider what she's planning to do to be worth suffering that mild consequence.

I would also have her spend the entire weekend in her room and while's she's there, she could write a few paragraphs about what she did and why. That way she has to THINK about her transgression and it's not so easily forgotten.

Goodness sakes people, she said nothing about "beating" her child. She said her husband was considering a spanking, not a beating. Talk about going way overboard!

Now, Blessed Mom, I agree with taking the DS away, not just for a week or two but indefinitely. That to me is the natural consequence.

I agree with the mom who stated that beyond the age of 6 a spanking is ineffective. I would talk to your husband about this fact, and then think of a different consequence for the disobedience. Maybe staying in her room for the night/weekend, no TV for a week, no other electronics for a week, writing a letter of apology for lying and why it is wrong or plain being grounded. But, at this age I don't think a spanking is going to teach her anything at all. Your husband to let her know how disappointed he is with words and she will get the point (I think, only you two know for sure.)

I think she needs to lose the DS til her behavior earns it back. A spanking is momentary and teaches her nothing long-term.

I think you also need to address the lying and disobeying. Why did she take it anyway? Does she do sneaky things in general?

You might also subject her bag to a search before you drop her off at school the next time she asks and you say no.

I believe in spanking when needed, but this to me isn't a "spankable offense". Taking away the DS for 2 weeks and having her earn back the DS seems reasonable.

We only use spanking when the offense is dangerous - running into the road, etc.

First offense - I'd skip the spanking (you can use it later, or as a threat). A firm discussion of why honesty is important and no DS for a couple days.

Keep in mind that every human being lies - and she's only 4. Show her the right path.
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Sorry - totally misread the age (4th day of school, not 4 years old!). But I think I'd stick with a softer punishment. You don't want to set the bar too high - otherwise what happens next time she lies - caning? Kidding of course, but I hope you see my point.