My Relationship and My 2Year Old Son

Oh B.~
I am a stickler when it comes to school. I think that you may just want to continue the school routine for now and if you think that when you get done with school you are ready then to make the leap to living with someone, go for it. I was eager to move in with my boyfriend and didn't finish school. I just don't want the same to happen to you. You are not being selfish by staying in the dorms till you get done, you after all have a little one and have made it this far, aewsome! So just give it a little longer and then decide.

I think if you think its the right time than it is. I have 2 childeren ages 2 and 5 my i got a divorce in the last year. I have been dating my boyfreind for about 5 months and we just moved in together. My children love it. I hope this helps.

My rule of thumb is I will not move in with any guy unless were married.

I too am a single mom and don't want to confuse my daughter, set a bad example or find myself homeless or a in mess to find a new place to live because it didn't work out.

B.,
I only read the 1st few responses and stopped b/c I didn't feel like reading any more negative things. I wanted to tell you that if you guys love each other and are truly committed to each other, move in. Marriage DOES NOT equal stability. I had my 1st daughter when I was 20 and my bf and I moved in together (we had been dating for about 2 1/2 years). Our daughter is now 4 years old, we also have a little angel in heaven (baby died in-utero). I went to college after my daughter was born. I am now 24 and have my Practical Nursing degree and am starting an LPN to RN program this summer. Last year my bf proposed and we post poned a wedding that was supposed to be this summer b/c I got in the nursing program. My fiance and I have been together for almost 7 years now. If you love each other and plan on being together forever and it sounds like he is great with your son, don't let the "older" generation folks make you feel bad. Follow your heart and both be committed to each other and your son. Good luck with school and whatever you decide to do. If you need to talk to someone, feel free to email me.

First of all be VERY proud of yourself for having the strength to raise your son by yourself and still work on your education. Good for you! If you and this man really love each other, there is no harm in waiting ot get married. If it makes sense to move in together and is maybe more affordable, go for it. I was a single mother until my son was 1 and then moved in with My now husband, who is not my sons biological, but is Dad. Our situations are freakily similar. I knew my husband before I got pregnant then we met back up when my son was 6mos. I went to school full time while pregnant and worked one full and one part time job. My husband and i have now been together for almost 9 years and he is my sons one and only Dad. I think it is great that your bf is willing to take on the task of fatherhood. That shows how dedicated he is to you and your son. That type of person is rare. Stay together, support each other, and do what you know is right, but finish your education. In the long run that is the most beneficial decision for you and your son. Good Luck and stay positive. Your an inspiration to others!

B.,

Your son and I have the same birthday! :-)

If I were you, I would make your son and your educational goals your highest priority right now and not date anyone, much less move in with him! Starting a new relationship and/or learning to live with someone else is very draining emotionally and distracting. You need all your energy to finish school and care for your son right now.

The fact that you are even questioning this situation shows that you know it isn't right. Give your son the most stability you can--don't live together until you get married. And right now he shouldn't be calling your bf "daddy", I find it disturbing, not cute.

Call me old-fashioned, but I say stay focused on your goals of finishing college and what you have planned afterward. Your relationship right now is probably wonderful and you can't wait until you can share everything and be a happy family. I am very familiar with those dreams (although I didn't have a child in the mix). I will say this though, I have a sister who is a single mom of two. Her youngest, five-year-old, just passed away. She was living with her fiance and they were together for four years. Now she has left him because things were not working out. It's a horrible mess. The ones that suffer the most are the children. He had two as well. We want our children to have security. Even though no one plans on breaking up, it just sometimes happens. Then the children suffer and feel so lonely and confused. When Mom is in and out of relationships their security is jeoprodized. (Not saying you would do that, but just in case because you never know what will happen.)

I have also learned that there are statistics that show that people who live together first and then get married have a higher rate of divorce than people who wait and then get married.

It's, of course, entirely up to you. But since you asked I thought I'd give you my thoughts. Good luck in making your decision.

As for what you child is calling the significant other I'm kind of at a loss. I would suggest letting him call your significant other Daddy (plus his first name). Maybe others have a better suggestion though. I know my mom has children that call her Grandma Marsha. They can be either not related or partially related. It gives respect at the same time.

Again, good luck.

Don't move in with him! Kids need stability and marriage is the way to go. Until then, you give your son the most stability possiblle by allowing him to know that you will always be there for him. Continue dating if you chose, but what happens if you move in with some guy, things go great for a year or two and your son bonds deeply, then you break up and his "daddy" leaves? Better that you encourage your son to call this young man by his first name for now, keep the relationship as plutonic in your son's eyes as possible and make sure this guy is going to stick it out for the long haul, before subjecting your son to a possible emotionally wrenching experience. There's nothing wrong with living in a small place - it creates closeness. :)

SAHM of seven, married 27 years, living in a small house

How well did your boyfriend take to being called "Daddy"? Also, how well does your boyfriend treat your son? Those are some of the questions you need to be asking yourself before you start a long term relationship with anybody. If you believe that your boyfriend cares for your son and doesn't find him to be a burden I say go ahead and try it out for the summer.. If you have too many doubts or don't think he'll treat your son right, stay right were you are, it would save on having to go find some place to live later on.

As a 40 yr old, divorced, single mother of 2 who is currently working full time while going to school part time (which will take me many years to finish), my advice is to finish your schooling first.

Living with someone else means making compromises and sacrifices. The only way to guarantee that you won't compromise your promising future is to ask him to wait. If he truly loves and cares for you and your son, he will wait patiently for you to finish school.

I agree once you have children these decisions are very important about who are role models in their lives. Please don't move in with him because the accommodations are better - the emotional loss for your son will outweight the comfort of a better home. Wait to move in until there is a real commitment and you know the relationship will last; that is to say, until you are married. The example of respect for yourself you will be setting for your son and the expectations he will have for this man who really will be his father will be worth the wait.

Don't move in together. If this doesn't work out, your son is going to have the hardest time. You should make sure this is a permenant father for your son and then make a commitment of marriage. Does he love your son like you do?

For the sake of your 2-yr old, don't do it. Listen to us older moms who have had a lot more life experience. If you have only been dating a few months (I know you've known him longer, but how well?) you need to give it more time. I have a novel I could write, but am going to keep this short and sweet and just say: give the relationship more time and re-evaluate the possibility again later when you get to know this guy better. Just because you don't move in with him now doesn't mean that you can't move in with him at a later date. You are not just putting yourself at risk, but also your son.

I believe you take care of yourself and your son first. You have a goal and are on the path. I don't think it is a good idea to stray from the path. You will graduate with a degree and your son with you. I think you know in your heart the best thing for you to do. Sometimes the right thing isnt the easiest choice. You may be thinking of the "pros" of moving in with the man but don't forget the "cons". Trust you instincts. I wish you well.

I have a little experience with this situation. My advice is don't move in together and try to discourage him from calling your boyfriend Daddy. When my son was 2 I started dating a guy and we were together 3 years living together the last year of that time. My son started calling him Daddy because his son lived with us and of course called him dad. Since my ex-husband doesn't have visitation - I didn't see any reason to stop it. He needed a father. But then I moved 45 miles away for a job and the boyfriend and I just stopped seeing each other after about 2 months. My son was confused. I got him together with that guy a few times but that stopped after awhile as well. My son is 11 years old now and doesn't trust me with the current man even though we've been together 6 years. He said he won't call him dad until we get married. We are engaged and living together. They have a great relationship and we have encouraged him to call him dad, but he won't. He has other trust issues as well. He has had counseling and it helped some but if I had it to do again I wouldn't have moved in with the first one or let my son call him dad.

My daughter is 14 and she hates everybody including her dad right now. My friends tell me that's normal for a teenage girl.

Hi B.,
I was a single mother and going to school as well at 20. Just from experiance I would say wait to move in with a guy until you are married. It will benefit you and your son in more ways than you can imagine. I wanted stability for my daughter and made a pact with myself that if any guy really loved me he would marry me and respect us enough to make the commitment to be with us (forever). It sounds as if you have worked hard going to school and raising your son, stay the course and it will pay off. Your boyfriend will respect you and your great dignity as a mother, your great strength for becoming a successful nurse and want to make a commitment to you because you and your son are worth it.

I have to agree with most of the other women, it's not a good idea to move in with him unless you're married. Whether you are religious or not make zero difference and here's why:

I always like to encourage women to BE WITH A MAN WHO FEELS YOU ARE WORTH WAITING FOR! If he is that man, GREAT! Then wait until the time is right for both your sake and your son's.

You are not likely to regret NOT moving in, but there's a good chance you'll regret moving in.

~A.~

B.,

I know you've had a bunch of other responses but I've been there, done that. I broke up with my son's father when my son was 18 months old. I moved in with my dad, and then I met a wonderful man at work a few months later. Long story short we dated and I ended up moving in with him about 3 months later. I was a little desperate to get out of my dad's house and have some privacy. We ended up living together about six months and then I decided to call it quits. During that time, my son started calling my boyfriend Daddy as well. Looking back on that time, I would have done things so much differently. It seemed like a good idea at the time to move in with him but I would NEVER do that again (especially to my son). My son rebounded quickly but it wasn't right of me to do that. He still mentions his "brothers" every once in a while (my boyfriends 3 boys). He doesn't understand why he can't see them anymore. It also hurt my son's real father very deeply to hear my son call my boyfriend "daddy." My advice is TAKE IT SLOW!!!! I know you're cramped where you are but you have freedom. Please don't make the same mistake I made (if it doesn't work out in the end). You are so young...

Best of luck,
J.

Having been young, in college, with a small child I would tell you that you should only move in with him if you are certain this relationship is going to be long term. If your son is already viewing your boyfriend as "daddy" then it's dangerous to solidify that view by moving in unless you're certain the relationship is going to last. You don't mention your son's biological father; if he's in the picture then calling another man "daddy" could complicate and confuse your son later. Of course at 2 the concept of step-parents and his language skills probably prevent him from using any other term. :-) We actually used the German name for "dad" when I married my husband because my son wasn't comfortable calling him dad but didn't know what else to call him as children calling adults by their first names is not acceptable in our families.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about how he feels about being called "daddy" and is he willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with that title? Does he understand what a change you and your son will bring by moving in?

Your housing situation should not be an impetus for moving in with someone, your relationship and goals should be behind that kind of a decision. Young children don't miss what they don't have - they don't even know there are options out there unless you show them/tell them. Don't let your feelings that your place is "too small" interfere in a decision that will have serious side-effects emotionally for both you and your son.

No place is too small if your son is happy and content with you.

If you're scared, having serious doubts, I'd say trust your instincts. Don't make major life changes that don't feel comfortable to you. Your "gut feelings" are almost always the best indicator of how you really feel about choices. At least they always have been for me.

I know people want to "provide" for their children, but aren't you already doing that? He may not have a big house, or a lot of toys, or fancy clothes, or an X-Box or an iPod, but he has YOU and YOUR love and encouragement. There is nothing more important than you to your child, especially at his age. Wanting to provide more is a side-effect of that love, but don't let it cloud your view of what's really important. You'll get through college and be able to provide "more" in time...don't rush it unless you're absolutely certain it's the best thing for both of you.

Good luck!

Hi B...Go with your gut...If he is a WONDERFUL man and your gut says go for the leap go for it...(Everything else will work it's way out....) IF there is something about him that is giving you a warning to hold off I would wait...but if it just nerves holding you off...then move and try it..

finish school first!! that way if you get into any bad situation, you will have a good paying job and could afford to be on your own if needed...

Also, ask your parents, siblings and friends for advice...and listed to it! When you are in the la-la-land of love it is hard to see the big picture sometimes! They love you and want the best for you.

The number one cause of death for toddlers is Mom's live-in boyfriend.
Children in a relationship require a marriage commitment for more than just their mental health.
Any guy needs to be that committed to your son - he needs to be that committed to you as well.

Dear B., About moving in with your boyfriend, take it slowly and leave yourself a fall back position. In other words, keep your own place. This will give you a space to think and examine your feelings as you go. That aside, your being in a loving, supportive relationship will have benefits for your son as well. More than his needing a father-figure, which is very important, your son needs to learn that sharing you results in no less love for him. The key is whether your boyfriend is the right man to help you and your son grow and flourish. Listen to the whispers of misgiving and doubt, if there are any. Then retreat to your own space and think them out. Trust your intuition. And Good Luck!

First off, I moved in with my boyfriend so I am not making this up. It is true what they say...boys move in with girls so they DON'T have to get married. Girls move in with boys because they WANT to get married. Think about that. Also, it was soooo confusing to be living with someone without the solid commitment of marriage. Although being married is not always forever...living with someone is even more challenging. I would hold off until you really know he is in it for the long haul. Especially since you have a child to consider. Good Luck
P.S. Have you considered moving in with some roommates?? Look in your local paper or boards. I bet you could find a cheap place to rent in a college town. Or post a message yourself.

B.,
Follow your gut. Don't take on other people's advice unless it sits well with you. I went through a similar situation and am so happy w/how things turned out. One thing that helped me was to act as if it's 10 years from now, and imagine where my decision could take me (bad or good). Then I would ask myself if I would be able to live with that decision.

If this helps; make the decision based only on what's best for you and your son, and whether or not the relationship feels right and is ready for such a move. Don't base it on wanting a bigger space/sleeping arrangements/your son calling your bf 'daddy'.

I applaud you for going through school while being a single mom! Way to go!! Keep up the good work!

J.

Hi B., It sounds like you have been a very good mom to your little boy. I can't imagine how difficult it has been at times to be a single mom and going to school. I would encourage you to NOT move in with your boyfriend. Lots of studies have shown that couple who live together before they get married have an even higher divorce rate. If your son is calling this man "Daddy", you can decide whether or not to adjust that. If you move in with this man and then break up, I would think your son would have a much harder time with that than if you broke up and were only dating. Like I said, I can't imagine how tough it is to live on campus in a tiny room with your son, but hang in there. School will be done and you will be graduated before you know it and then you can decide where you want your dating relationship to go. I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you to make a wise decision.
God Bless,
G.

A little about me:

I've been happiliy married for 16 years and have three great kids....7,4, and almost 2.

Kudos to you, B., for getting your college degree while parenting a small child-- no easy task! That right there tells me you have a pretty good head on your shoulders as well as healthy, positive goals for yourself and your son. My advice is to stay focused on those goals for now instead of moving in with this guy you are not married to. You will NEVER have regrets about waiting, but you may end up with horrible regrets by living together too soon. The fact is, this relationship may work out long term. But... it may not. Give it some time before comitting to anything that could have disastrous long-term consequences for your little boy-- your loyalty is to him first. And don't be swayed by the "kids are resilient" argument-- That is just a ridiculous line that selfish people say to soothe their own guilty consciences. Kids need (and DESERVE) stability!

First of all, I would stay right where you are. You haven't been dating him long enough to know whether it will really work. He only calls him daddy because it's natural for a child to call males daddy at that age. With a child in tow--or without--it's better to marry before living together. If your emotions make you want to, just remember, if it doesn't work he's just facing a loss of what he thought was a daddy but wasn't.
B. H

B.,

Statistically, couples who live together before they are married have a higher divorce rate. That also goes for couples who are sexually active before marriage.

Also, you have a little boy who is going to get really attached to this guy very quickly. You need to correct him if he calls this guy daddy and explain that he is your friend and his name is (name.) Explain that you like to spend time with your friend, but don't "play house" with your son and boyfriend, it will hurt your son deeply if and when the relationship ends.

Make sure the boyfriend knows that "playing house" is not okay either. If and when you know that this is "the one" and you can commit to each other for the rest of your lives and there is a proposal and a plan, then it is time to talk to your son about having a new daddy.

Good luck,
S.

At the risk of being "preachy" I'm just going to come out and say: Why are you risking your future plans for yourself by moving in with someone you aren't even legally married to. Okay, I know, I'm old fashioned, but... Please if the guy is worth anything he will want to marry you and make your son his own....legally. Not knowing all of your past I hope you take my suggestion seriously. I commend you for putting yourself through nuring school and I realize your living conditions aren't ideal, however don't risk those future plans with anyone who does not want a permanent relationship with you and your son.

Personally I would probably wait a while before I moved in with him. You have only been dating for a short time. It could turn out to be a disaster and you don't want your little boy to be a part of that. I am not saying that you should not ever do it, just that you should wait until you know each other better. My husband and I dated for a year, got engaged and lived together for a year before getting married. It seemed to work out well enough for us. Just think about having you move will effect your little boy. What happens if you live with this man and he calls him daddy, gets use to having him there and the two of you can't make it work?

B.; most kids are comfortable in a secure relationship, but just because the kid likes him really well is not nessarily a reason to move in with a guy, im from old school, and feel if you are gonna be living together, you should be married, this also helps secure a relationship, and helps the child to feel more like he is daddy, any way, its ok to be on your own too, until you both are ready, if you have to ask, what to do , then maybe too you are not ready, D. s

Moving in with a man you have only known a few months so that you have more space, does not seem wise. If you did not have a child it would be less of an issue. If you move in together and it does not work out, your child loses a "daddy".
I know it would take patience, but making sure, over a longer period of time, that this is a viable relationship would be wise.

You should just keep it to you and your son. The statistics are staggering for relationships that cohabitate before marriage. 65% of them end in divorce. Couples who are very involved in their church together have a 15%divorce rate. Just some food for thought.

2 months is not very long. You better be really sure this guy is marriage/father material before making this huge step, for your son's sake. I think it's a little scary that your son is calling this guy daddy. Although I'm sure you guys think it's cute, I just worry that if you break up one day, it'll be like losing his daddy. Good for you raising your son on your own and getting your nursing degree! Just don't rush into anything relationship-wise. Good luck to you.

I went throught the same situation at the same age!!! LOL I was 20 years old and my son was 2 years old. I was dating my now husband and did make the decision to move in with him. Every one thought it was far to much far to soon. Even though I had known this man since the 9th grade. But for us it worked out wonderfully. My son finally had a father figure in his life and a stable home. I had the help and support I needed while raising my son and going to school and working to pay the bills. I know have a wonderful loving husband and we have built a great life together. I can't tell you what will happen for you. Every situation is different and you just never know what will happen. Things could go bad and you and your son could be hurt. But then you could also end up like we did and be very happy. Good luck! I hope you find the right answer for you and your son.

My son was only 3 weeks old when I divoriced his father and he hasn't had any contact with since. When he was 6 months old I started dating my husband. When he was about 7 or 8 months old we were visiting my grandmother in another town and went to church with her. While talking with the minister after the service, my son turned to my boyfriend and said "Da da" and the minister smiled and said "is that your daddy?" at which my boyfriend and I both shook our head no... totally in shock! I tease my husband now that it would have looked worse if he would have nodded and I would have shook my head no. Anyway, we married when my son was a year old and have been married for 25 years now. He adopted my son as soon as he was allowed by law.

As far as moving in together, that is a personal choice but I am kind of old fashion and think living together is a trial and so much easier to leave then marriage over the first sign of trouble. There is something to be said about commitment. If my husband and I had lived together before marriage, we might not have made it past the first year of adjustment.

Hi B.,

I really think that your son should be taken completely out of the equation (at least at first) as you consider your future with this man. Is he someone that you can spend the rest of your life with? Is he someone who will value you forever? Does he support your goals, in deed as well as word?

If those answers are all yes, and an HONEST yes, then it's time to add your child to things. Does he treat your son with care and respect? Does he enjoy him, rather than just tolerate him? Does he respond favorably to being called Daddy? Is he someone that you can trust to care for your child without you being present?

If all of those answers are yes, then it might be time to start considering a permanent arrangement. However, moving in together is not a permanent arrangement. With that, you take a greater risk of your son's heart and home being broken. He can't possibly understand the whole man/woman thing. My advice is to NOT move in together. If you want something permanent, than a marriage is the only way to do it. Sure, it could fail, too. But at least you will have given it your best shot.

Don't risk your son's well-being for a temporary arrangement. He needs to be your top priority. If this man isn't the one that can make a permanent arrangement, then wait for another. You're so young, and you're on your way to great things. Don't settle!

I got married for all the worng reasons to my first husband. My son was 2, my ex was so responsible and I knew I could count on him, but that was not enough to build a marriage on. My son does not even remember him though. He is now 10. I met my Husband now and have been married for 6 years and we have two more children. My 10 year old always called him dad, and I never worried about it. It bothered his real dad for a while, but now it doesn't at all. Just make sure that what you feel for this guy is the real thing. If you're not sure yet it is probably not. Don't be afraid to make mistakes though. Kids are resiliant and he will be just fine if it doesn't work out.

I agree with what a lot of the others are saying. As a fellow single mom currently living with her parents I understand exactly where you are coming from! There are many days when I would give almost anything to get out of our living situation but I just have to remind myself that I am doing the best thing I possibly can for my daughter. Cherish this time you have alone with your son. I don't know what made you decide to get into a relationship but please don't rush into anything. I have dated men in the past with kids and have found this much more difficult of a situation. I was even called mommy before and now looking back I think I only stayed in the relationship because I was in love with the kids and didn't want to hurt them. I have lived with 6 different guys and none of them have worked out. A couple had no warning either- I thought everything was just fine. I assume you haven't so you have no idea how difficult it is. Finish school, get a job and make sure you can fully support both of you before you even think about moving in with your boyfriend. Obviously things didn't work out with your son's father so maybe you aren't the best judge of mates. I have had the same issues...my daughter's father took off when I was 5 months pregnant, hasn't had any contact with her- she's 1- and now wants to fight me in court when I am trying to terminate his right. If you would like someone who can see the situation objectively to talk to, please feel free to contact me. A fresh look from another set of eyes can usually see many things you can't when you are in the middle of it. I wish I had that in my past. Good luck!

Just the fact that you are unsure B. means that you should wait.

I discourage moms of young kids from getting their children enmeshed in their adult relationships based on my own experience. If you are a full-time mom, you are probably dating with your son along and don't have time to develop a relationship with this man that doesn't include your son.

The biggest problem here is that adult relationships don't always last and young children get attached to people that may leave them, opening them up to abandonment issues, which are difficult for them to navigate.

Since your son is already calling this man "daddy", you can see that he has really formed an attachment. You and your boyfriend should be more careful and try to find time when your son is not around to do your dating. Your son should be discouraged from calling him "daddy" for now by you consistently referring to your boyfriend by his first name.

The less frequent visits and consistency of your actions will help him to see that your boyfriend is just a friend, not a dad. After a year or two and you both agree that your relationship is solid, your son will be just as fond of him even though he has seen him less.

Red Flag B.: Never move in with a man who appears to promise to "save you" from a bad living experience. If you feel like you need to be saved, take a BIG step back and see the big picture. This dynamic is unhealthy and sets you up for an unequal relationship.

Take time to get to know him well. If he is a gem, he'll be there for you until you are ready to move in on your own terms. If he is not, you will know in a year or two.