My Marriage Is Done and Having to Consider Divorce, Something I Wanted to Avoid

B.:

I'm sorry you're going through this. Here is a guidebook that a professor and an attorney put together to help you consider all of the steps of divorce and help you know what to expect. It's a free pdf file.

http://utahmarriage.org/files/uploads/Crossroads%20Guideb...

I have had many people close to me go through similar situations in their marriages. Some marriages held together - others didn't. The most important thing for you to remember is that it is in no way your fault that your spouse was unfaithful. I know it's hard to grasp while you're in it, but your husband would have done this regardless of who he was married to. That doesn't mean you're the perfect wife, but the point is that the perfect wife doesn't exist. Every marriage has difficulty - what makes the difference is the choice we make when faced with that difficulty. Rather than turning to you to help make things better, he turned outside the marriage. I don't think an unfaithful spouse ever sets out to hurt their loved one (or very rarely). Typically they just don't know how else to deal with their own pain & stress. My point is that he would have felt pain & stress of some sort regardless of who he was married to - may not be the same set of problems you have between you - but it would have been there - and he wouldn't have been any better equipped to turn inside the marriage to work through it with anyone else than he has been with you.

That being said, no one can tell you what the right decision is for you & your boys. The truth is I've seen women stay in marriages out of weakness and run from marriages out of weakness. Even more importantly, I've seen women work our marriages using amazing strength and I've seen women use that same strength to walk away when it was right for their family. Only you can make that call. Just try to make that decision motivated from love & not fear. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong! And lean on others when you need help keeping that strength. If you do the work, a good, happy life waits for you ahead - with or without this marriage.

You can't fix him, but you can fix you. If he's not willing to change to better your marriage, it's unfortunately time to move on. It's in your children's best interest for them to have happy parents, even if they're not happy together. You both are in charge of showing them how relationships work & right now they're not seeing a very good picture. You stay in counseling, put your kids in counseling, you can still do marriage counseling by yourself-points for your next relationship or just things to think about (I've found stepparenting advice that is great in other aspects of my life as well-not the same topic but you'll pick up things that will enrich your life everywhere, not just in marriage).
If he no longer wants to be in your marriage, let him be the one to end it. Not so you can say he quit you, but so you can say "you want to leave, do so-don't string us along". You've got a 15ish year old son who needs to know how TO treat a woman-he's seen how NOT to for all these years. If hubby can't show him the right way, you need to.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I do think it's best that you get out, get all of you into counseling & get on with the process of living your lives. I'm betting you're not doing a whole lot of living with all of the pain & hurt you're feeling. You'll still be hurt after your divorce, but you can stop focusing on what he's doing to you & start focusing on how you're going to heal from all of it.
Like Crista said, I'd be baking you cookies (I'd probably just bring you Ben & Jerry's though-they make all bad things seem smaller) & babysitting too while you visited attorneys. Your boys deserve better, go get them that "better"!
Good luck to you all!

Hi B.,

I'm recently divorced. My ex-husband and I had a lot of great things about our marriage, but in many other ways we were both very unhappy. When I was pregnant w/ my second baby, we were having conversations about divorce, but I was totally committed to saving the marriage for the sake of the kids.

Eventually things started to get worse and eventually I called the police during one of his fits of rage. He was arrested and in that moment I knew it was time to throw in the towel and file for divorce (my baby was 4 weeks old and my other one was three).

The divorce was a long difficult process and is still difficult in many ways. But the purpose of this message to you is to tell you that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. For me, although being a single mom is hard work, I am a thousand times happier now that I'm on my own and not living in the midst of the daily struggles that my marriage brought. And, although certain things about divorce are tough on the kids, overall I know that they are WAY better off as well. And I have much more peace of mind knowing that they won't grow up thinking that what we had is what a relationship is supposed to look like.

So, I agree w/ the others in your life... if you're unhappy (and he's not faithful anyway), it's time to move on. In the long run, I bet you'll be really glad that you did.

I hope this helps, and please feel free to email or call if I can offer any kind of support to you. ____@____.com or ###-###-####.

Take care,

A.

Our past experiences make us who we are. My brother never would've met his second wife if he wasn't the person he was after his divorce. And they are very happy together now.

It looks hard from where you're standing, but it'll be better. You'll be OK. Take note of the things you've learned. You'll do fine. *hugs*

B., yes it's sad and I'm so sorry for you. My first marriage ended after 12 years and 1 child. It was very difficult, but I had to move on. You must face the fact that sometimes people change and grow apart. You need to have respect for yourself and realize that your husband isn't the best partner for you. You and your children have to come first and he isn't able to provide you with what you need. Love yourself and you will find happiness with or without a partner. The relief you will feel without dealing with the pain will make this move worthwhile. Be strong and move on! All the best to you.

It really sounds like you have done every thing in your power to make this marriage work and your husband is just not willing to reciprocate. The fact that he is continuing to have affairs and cannot be honest with you is a big indicator.

I think it would be better for you and your children if you can move on. Help them see examples of good relationships and men who live their lives with the morals you expect for your boys. I would guess that you have friends who are in marriages that are what you would want your boys to see. Keep up relationships with them.
My parents were divorced before I was 1 (they separated before I was born). I had a difficult time for a while as a child, because my family was different from the kids in my church and most of the kids in my school. But now, as an adult, I am glad that I did not have to grow up in the environment my mother left. I was able to have positive role models in my grandparents and church teachers and leaders, and I am grateful for that.

I hope that helps :)

I am really sorry to hear about your situation, I am in the same boat. Fortunately (well considering) I have only been with my daughters father for 2 years, so I don't have as much history with him.I had to make the move 4 weeks ago and it is very painful, but it seems like you have a good support system and that is all you need. I also did not want to repeat my parents past either. I have my lows, but then I think about how i felt in the relationship and know that I am a strong woman for leaving and taking a stand for myself. Your family will give you love and be there with you and it will all be worth it!

Kick him to the curb! You deserve better than this and so do your kids. No influence is better than bad influence and that is exactlywhat is being shown to your kids, that it's ok to cheat and you are showing them that you agree because you keep trying. It takes 2 in a marriage and he obviously isn't workiong at it. Believe me I know what I am talking about, I was married to 3 cheaters and the last one sexually assaulted my daughter who was 14 from aprevious marriage!
I swore off men until my children were raised and was actually doing great! Had my dream home built and was happy as a lark and thought that I never wanted to get married again. But then I met my prince at 50 yrs of age and am truly in a loving relations ship for the first time! We have been happily married for 9 years on Tuesday.

Being scared of being on your own may be another reason why you are taking his BS....get him out of there before it affects your kids. AND take time to really get to know a person and his family and friends before you commit to another relationship. Watch how he treats his mother. That is huge because if he respects his mother and/or sister then he should have respect for you. Learn from my mistakes. I thought I just had to be married to be happy and that was furthest from the truth. Please don't jump from the frying pan into the fire like I did! It took me 3 husbands and 20 years to finally find my soul mate but that was my fault because I rushed into relationships and made bad choices just because I wanted to be loved. Just know that there are still a lot of great men out there! You are starting your life over in a better place. I am now a Work at Home Grandma and I am having the time of my life watching my babies grow and enjoying them when I help babysitting them. That is my "playtime" with them.

Just don't be afraid of the unknown like I was. You too can stand on your own 2 feet and become a survivor, not a victim. If you are worried about being away from your kids too much, there really are great work at home buainesses. I know a few so if you need help in how to choose a good one, I can help you with advice on what to look for in a HBB. My goal is to help every single mom be able to be home with their kids. Good Luck and God Bless. He is watching over you. Put this situation into HIS hands and He will help you, all you have to do is ask! Feel free to send me a message or email.

B., I'm so sorry your having to go through this. but as a child of divorce i'm going to say think about your children. when my parents seperated and eventually divorced, was a blessing in disguise. gone were the nightly arguments over everything, life became more crazy in one way but more relaxed and enjoyable in another. divorce was probably the best thing my parents could have done for my siblings and i at the time. and if you have girls, think about what kind of example your giving them. good luck

Dear B.,

You are in a sad situation. Separation and divorce are going to really hurt you and your family. Staying together is going to really hurt you and your family. Either choice is so painful! I am sorry for you and your family. I wonder what kind of counseling you guys were getting before? Obviously it didn't really help if your husband still was cheating and lying.

I would just add to the other comments that there are a lot of bad counselors out there that are not at all helpful. That is because culturally, marriage is not understood by a lot of our society. I think, but I don't know of course, that your husband never took the counseling seriously and thought that since you didn't leave him the first or second time, that he could have some more "fun." I think he lost respect for you or never had it. I don't know you guys, so these are just guesses. I studied briefly to be a counselor, and I have also been to several marriage counselors. Several, and none of them were at ALL helpful!

I will never forget a nice Mexican that my college roommate was dating. He was from a good family and was over in the US on a student VISA. My roommate kept trying to sleep with him, and he was the one that kept trying to stop her. He said, "In Mexico, if a girl is easy, the men don't respect her. But if a boy cheats on his girlfriend (or wife), he is immediately dumped and NEVER given a 2nd chance." I have thought about that often. If women were more chaste in general, then who would these men cheat with, and if they knew that the immediate price was their family, then how many of them would risk it?

Just food for thought as you heal, to try to find a counselor that believes that men are not bad, and women are not bad, but that we both have to behave with some self respect in order to attract someone who is respectful to us. I am not saying that you were wrong to try and save your marriage. You are AWESOME to have tried for years to forgive him and keep the marriage together, but in your next relationships, I just want you to have hope that you can have happiness.

Take care,
Marci

B., you could have been describing my life. I divorced this year after 19 years marriage. My ex didn't have physical affairs but had emotional and "virtual" affairs. I didn't believe in divorce, believed that I was married for good, knew that there would be ups and downs. My husband was insecure before kids and had inappropriate friendships. We committted again to each other and had our first son, bought a house, were planning for our 2nd child and I found out that he was having an internet affair and said I was leaving him. He sought counseling, we stayed together, had our 2nd son. We moved, we had our 3rd son, ex had health issues, then had a midlife crisis. We sought counseling, he couldn't hear that anything was his doing or that he wasn't a victim. He checked out on us, we moved, went to counseling... and through this all, he was continuing his inappropriate relationships. After the last time, I had said if it happened again, I was done. It happened again, I was done. I have been happier since the divorce although i feel alot of guilt for putting my kids through this. You cannot fix him if he doesn't want to be faithful and doesn't want to be up front about it. I hate to say it and understand not wanting to divorce, but you AND your kids will be better off. They need to see that this is not the right way to live. Send me a message if you want to talk. I'm sorry to say that I understand where you are and where you've been... hopefully I also understand where you'll be going. There's a better life for you waiting and you deserve better than what he's doing.

I am so sorry to hear of all your pain. Sometimes, marriage sucks, at least for you. You seem to be doing so much of this work FOR your kids but please consider what you are doing TO your children in the process and to yourself. Your marriage is their model. You are teaching them to accept dishontesty, unhappiness, constant fighting etc. Yes, marriage is work, like a job and requires daily maintenance. However, there can often be a point of no return which you and your husband are past. His actions are incredibley unhealthy for you and in turn for your children, even if they know nothing of it. I had parents that stayed together "for the kids." What a joke! We never learned what a working union of two people should look like and consequently my three sister have divorced total of five times now and I am learning how to work a marriage, slowly. Choose to do what is healthiest now for everyone except your husband. He should rot. Imagine if someone in the future does this to your daughter, how would you want her to continue on. Would you really want her stay with someone who hurts and damages her. Model that answer for your children so that they learn that the strength is within us and with the lord, not some unfaithful jerk. Your world owes him nothing. Get the counseling and support for you and your kids and model for them the strenght to move to safer ground. God bless you and your long tough journey and of course your children. Also, there is a major difference in confiding in friends, whom as you stated fuel the fire and a counselor that helps you learn, conquer and progress. If the counseling isn't quite helpful after several sessions, seek a new person. I know you have the strength because it is just as hard to hold on as it is to let it go.

Divorce is very very sad. I would suggest that you go to a counselor to get YOURSELF in the correct place mentally. Your children will get their strength to pull through in a wonderful fashion from you. Your children deserve to see two parents that love each other. It is amazing what they pick up from vibes. I have parents that never got divorced because of the stigma. I have terrible memories! You deserve to be loved. There is someone out there for you. Just realize that marriage takes two and if you are the only one working then it will never work. My first husband cheated on me and that is the ultimate betrayal. I could never love him again. I can tell you that cheating husbands are never going to be honest. My first marriage lasted for 13 years and it hurt me so bad and I cried and cried. Time heals the wounds and you will start to think straight. I am a huge advocate for self-esteem. Your kids will have more after they see you stand up for what you believe. You will have more when you realize that you don't have to be a doormat for anyone.
Go and see a counselor and let them give you lots of food for thought.

B.,

I am so sorry for you, and can relate, unfortunately. Your situation is nearly identical to mine, except my parents are not divorced, and on top of affairs, my ex-husband was extremely controlling of every aspect of my life. It was a very difficult situation. We were married 17 years, had children later in our marriage. We have two wonderful boys.

My advise would be to stick with the counseling. You do not deserve to be treated in this way. Regardless of the circumstances that led to the affairs, you matter. The fact that he will not admit to what you know to be true is only showing you further disrespect, and causing you to undermine your gut feelings. Trust your instincts and give yourself a big hug. One affair, even two, maybe forivable. There may be a solution. But not if he is continueing to lie. You will never be able to regain trust in that relationship. You owe it to your self and your children to be a happy mom, and it can happen. It took me two years, (1 and 1/2 with counseling) to start feeling like me again. I am so much better off as a person, mom and friend now. My kids see a happy strong role model. I feel like I have to show them a better way to live, not be controlled, lied to, degraded, disrespected. I want them to grow up as healthy as possible. Two little boys, who will treat people, not just women, with respect and kindness. So our stories are not identical, but I hope you can see there is hope to regain self esteem, self respect. Moving on is easier said than done, but with the right support system, you can do it!!!

Hi B.-
Similiar stuff. You said "The three things most enjoyable to both my Husband and I, are our Boys". No offense, but you can't speak for him especially because it sounds like "someone else" is most enjoyable to your husband!!! He can't be honest to himself, how could you honestly know what is important to him?
Please know upfront that I am not trying to be mean, I'm just being honest.
I've read the responses that have been sent to you and I hope that you have heard the message that is being sent to you repeatedly. The best thing that you can do for yourself is counseling and become YOU again. As one of the other responses said, she got herself back and that enabled her to be a stong role model for her children.
That was the best thing I did for myself and two daughters. Now they see how things are and know who they can count on and where the stabiilty is. That's what a Mother is, someone to always count on.
I was married for 14 years plus separated for 3.5 before the divorce was final. He was remarried one month after the divorce. It was all extremely ugly. It's been 5 years and I just got remarrried. It was really tough but the counseling was the best thing I ever did for myself first and for the children. They see how a loving family can be now and love having a step father they can count on.
Please know that I would be more than willing to tell you more about my experience and the mistakes I have made if you can benefit from it. Take care of you B., and your boys. Cheers!

Only you can decide what is best for you; however, your children know...even if you haven't told them...that you are unhappy. By remaining in the situation, you are teaching them that it is OK to live life unhappy.

Is this what you want them to carry forward into their adult lives?

It was really sad to read your story as it mirrors mine to the T. I divorced after 16 years of marriage because of affairs and dishonesty. I will not lie to you - it was very painful, hard and the worst part of my life. I also had two children and it was also difficult for them. I went to counseling for myself and had my children see a therapist also. After 15 years I am very happily married to a man who does not cheat or lie. (they are out there) My daughter will have nothing to do with her dad as she was old enough to know about the lying and he also lied to her and still does. My son is trying to have a relationship with his dad but is beginning to see what everyone else does. My ex remarried and is not happy and is in the middle of another separation. He is one of those that is most interested in himself which is what it sounds like your husband is like. One day he might regret his actions as my ex now does. Be strong and you will get through this. Hopefully you have a good support group of family or friends. Seek counseling for yourself. With the right counselor they will help get you through this. Good luck!!!

As a child of divorce, I have to say it was easier once they finally did it. As long as you do not bash your husband in front of the kids, and think of them first, you will get through it. It will take time, and you should do counseling alone, but you will get through it and be happier in the end. My Dad cheated on my Mom again and again, and once the painful decision to divorce came, I think she was happier. Yes, it sucked for all involved. My Mom never talked bad about my dad, ever, in front of us. I think it helped us keep a good relationship with him, and made life easier for us. It also made all three of us kids choose wisely in marriage. We all waited until late 20's to marry, and have had good marriages, and so far, no divorce. I think that has a lot to do with my Mom staying strong, and keeping our heads on straight. Just my 2 cents...

You need to move on. As horrible as it seems, especially since you are from a broken home, it is the best. You do not want to teach your children that this is how a loving relationship is supposed to be. Get out now before it is too late. Respect yourself and your children will learn to respect themselves. Your husband is not making any efforts to work it out so quit torturing yourself and your children. The sooner you can move one the healthier you all can be.

Most importantly, when you move on, do it for real, don't harbor this ugly mess. You are not the one with the problem and you have a real opportunity to teach your kids that your are important and you have the right to happiness just like they do and NEVER badmouth your husband around your children. As nasty as he has been, it is still your kid's dad.

Good luck, I know it is hard. You can do it!!!

Speaking from being divorced, get some counseling for yourself so you can get things out, learn, grow and change. We're all not perfect, but the sooner you can learn from all of this and vent it all, than you don't have to let it be a burden to you. Focus on your boys - wonderful blessings in the midst of it all! Someone said something very profound to me through my divorce about my children acting out with me and not their dad - they do that because they feel safe with you, they know you love them and won't leave! Hang in there!!

We all disappoint each other in little and big ways all the time. Family and strangers alike. That is part of the human condition. Your husbands inability to be honest with himself is a problem he needs to work on. Unfortunately , it has spilled into your marriage. Him wanting to end your marriage is a defense for him not wanting to do some serious soul searhing.We cant force someone to want to do something. You love him , but, you need to take care of yourself emotionally right now to be strong for your children and yourself. You need to decide what boundaries you are going to have to be in a relationship. If he has crossed that line then you know what you need to do either way. Yes, sometimes people hurt the ones they love. Not intentionally ,but, we were all raised with different emotional battle scars we carry in us and develop. I think you are a pretty strong lady and you can get through this.