My Daughter Accused of Stealing

This is a hard call. But unless you have real evidence that she did it; it may be wise not to punish her. But maybe make this an opportunity for you to talk about truthfulness and the virtue of honesty, respecting others' properties, space etc..

Because it is the "first offense", I wouldn't make it a big ordeal with the 3 of you sitting down. It is not going to make anyone feel better. If, in fact, she didn't do it, she doesn't deserve that. BUT...if she did do it and is embarrassed, now is the time to talk to her without pointing the finger at her. It's a good time to discuss/reinforce the importance of not taking other peoples things...nothing comes free and we work hard for what we have, etc, etc. If you suspect she is guilty, and she's not fessing up...I would do the above and let it go and tell her if something like this happens again....that the ENTIRE family (everyone, Dad too) and victim are going to sit down AND that she is going to do extra chores (or start if she doesn't have any) to pay them back AND apologize.

Good luck, I hope you figure out the right "formula" of things to do and say...

Tell your daughter that you believe her, but as a parent, you must double check anyway. Check her room and see if you can find it. If not, then tell your sister-in-law that you did not find anything and that she owes your daughter an apology. Keep your daughter from being alone in her house anyway. Even if she did not steal, it sounds like your sister-in-law will be suspicious from now and and she does not need to be given any reason to accuse her again.

you know your daughter, is she the type to do this or could your sis in law have lost it out of her bag? i always lose makeup, now i use a little zip bag in my purse..
maybe keep an eye out and see if u see her wearing it?
Kids steal b/c they don't have the money to get what they want..i think i would just talk to her about it ..if it were me and it was my child i would say.." i know u say you didn't take it but sis in law thinks you did, i understand that you may have been curious but it's really bad to go into people's personal belongings and take something, not saying that you did, but as your mother it's my job to teach you about these things...
maybe you can get her to admit it if she really did this if you are "cool" about it??

Hi Dana:
While I'm obviously not familiar with your sister in laws character, just her implicating your daughter,tells me a lot. I can't imagine her accusing your daughter of stealing,unless she actually witnessed her doing it. If she saw her going through her makeup,and (things)It was at THAT TIME that your sister in law should have said something to her. It would almost appear that your SIL was anxious to catch her at some wrong doing.She could have explained, at that moment, This is make-up I wear each day,however,if you'd like some gloss,or blush,I have this you can have for your purse.Your daughter is probably shocked,that her Aunt accused her of stealing.Children this age simply look at it as "she has all this junk" I'll use this when my friends and I play makeup.It's never beneficial to accuse your child of such wrong doing,especially when its done in innocence or unfounded.This is certain to make your daughter feel you have no trust in her character,and it will no doubt bring ill feelings toward her Aunt,for creating such havoc for her. You know your daughter better than anyone. Has she shown an interest in makeup lately? Have you seen her with makeup on the last few days? Have you seen it laying around or in her drawer? She wouldn't take it and not use it. Let me close by saying,that its our job as parents,to teach our children right from wrong,however it's also vital,we teach them the meaning, importance of (Loyalty)This means,standing by your children,and defending their honor as individuals. I would never accuse my daughter of stealing. If I were you I'd ask her if she (borrowed) any of Aunties makeup while she was (Permitted) to go through her stuff. If she replied with a NO,I would not question her integrity,and the subject would be dropped. I would contact your sister in law,and tell her that your daughter did not take it,and from now on,if she feels uncomfortable with your daughter going through her things, then don't allow it during future visits. I couldn't tell you the number of times,that I've gone through my make-up drawer with my Grand daughter,and simply given her make up samples, glosses and nail polish that I never used. There have been a few times that I'd see her scrimmaging through my make up drawer looking for samples for her purse,and I let her know which were ok for her to take. If she mistakenly took the wrong one,I certainly wouldn't label her a thief. I wish you and your darlin daughter the best. J. M

What is the integrity of your Sister in Law? Her character? Is she one to lie or tell stories? Does she have a history of inflating stories?

What is the integrity of your daughter? Her character? Is she one to lie or tell stories? Does she have a history of stealing?

Then, that will guide you on what to do next.

Encourage your daughter, calmly and in a comforting way... to tell her side of the story. There must be some kind of explanation. Then, tell her you love her no matter what and don't be scared to tell you...even if it is something negative about your Sister In Law, or herself.

Next, DOES your daughter even wear make-up? I imagine at 11 years old, a girl that age does not "need" make-up, much less to steal it....

The thing is... there must be a "reason" your Sister-In-Law said that about your daughter... whether true or not. Does your Sister in Law "like" your daughter? Do they get along? WAS your daughter even anywhere in her home or next to her purse, to where she 'could' have taken her make-up? Is there an alibi?

DID your Sister In Law ACTUALLY SEE your daughter stealing it? If not, it is just supposition. DOES your Sister In Law have any kids of her own, who could have taken it?

WHY does your Sister In Law think your daughter stole it? Did someone 'tattle' on her? Was it just hearsay? Or is she being blamed for no reason?

The thing is, a child needs to know their Parent "trusts" them... but so talk with her about it and see what the truth is, using discernment per both parties.

And, sometimes some people just won't admit to things. So it's hard to find out the truth.
If no one actually "saw" your daughter taking it....then it is hard to prove it, or to blame her.

Really decide what the motives are, and what their "character is... then one of them must be mistaken.

All the best,
Susan

as a mother you can tell if your child is lying. what i would do is sit her down and tell her that you need her to be very honest with you. after she agrees ask her if she took the make up. if she says no then ask why your sil would say that she took it. you may find out something there. at the end of your talk tell your daughter that she isnt allowed to touch your sil things with out her permission and her in the room with her. or you can tell her not to touch her stuff at all then if your sil says something is missing you will know its a lie because you will know you told your daughter not to touch her things. if you really think your daughter took the make up then go through your daughters things with her in the room so she doesnt feel like your totally invading her space. good luck thats a tough situation.... i also agree with SH.

It is really difficult when your kids say they didn't do it. I went through this with my older daughter. We found the make up and returned it to Target and asked them to show her the footage of her stealing the make up. They were very cooperative and only wanted their merchandise back.

For us, it was just one of the many stages. Now that she is grown, she is great and pays for her stuff.

I would ask what items she took and explain to you SIL that she won't admit to it, but you will watch for the items. Once found, you may want her to come clean with her aunt.

I would talk with my sister in law again and ask if she physically observed your daughter taking the makeup. What evidence does she have? You have to think of things this way...you don't want to damage your relationship with either your sister in law or your daughter, but you need to teach your daughter consequences if she did take it. If your daughter did take the makeup, she may also be doing other things that you don't know about. Once you talk with your sister in law and find out exactly what items were taken and whether she saw your daughter take them, then you will know what to do. If she did not see your daughter take them but they are missing, I would tell my daughter that the new rule is that she can't be at my sister in laws house without me present. If she did take them, I would buy the exact same kind to replace the missing ones and make my daughter work around the house for 2-3 months doing chores to work off the money it costs to replace the stuff. Above all, I would love my daughter and encourage her to always tell the truth about anything...there is nothing that she can't tell you, etc.

Best of luck,
J.

I don't have specific advice, but I was reading your question and remembering as a kid I did the same thing--I would take little things like make up. If I got caught, I would deny, deny, deny. I don't really know why. I turned out to be a very upstanding, law abiding citizen (okay, I speed sometimes while driving). But I think somewhere I learned that it's not okay to be wrong, I had to have all the answers, and as a child couldn't admit I didn't know everything. Maybe in our quest to teach as parents, we don't model how to recover from a failure (big or small)? Just a thought. I'll be curious to read the other responses. db

Hi Dana,

First of all, the three of you all need to sit down and calmly discuss the matter. If you question them individually without the present of the other, you will never get to the bottom of it. Two, it's better to have them both at your presence because for one, she's your sister, then on the other hand, you have your daughter. Then ask your sister if she really actually see your daughter physically went through her thing and if she really actually see your daughter took her make-up, and if she did, why didn't she prevented your daughter right then and there? Now ask your daughter if she really actually took her aunt's make-up and what was she planning on doing with them when she's only 11 years old? I suggest you ask your sister first at the present of your daughter before you turn to your daughter. If your daughter took the make-up, then it's up to you. But keep in mind, girls at that age, they don't think twice of something that might be valuable to an adult especially make-up. They think its alright to do play make-up and dress-up for fun and not thinking seriously about the sercumstances. It's just pure misunderstanding. My daughter was like that too. I have had to search for my make-up and she sometimes deny it, but she always come back and admit to it that she didn't mean to take them but just wanted to play doll or imitating what she saw on TV. I do punish her but never to any extreme because I know she will come around. Then when ever I get ready for work, she is right there playing make-up copy cat what I do, then I have her wash her face before we all leave the house. As my daughter became an adult and now married with children, she still brings up to her little brothers of how she used to get in trouble and used to play with my make-up. She also told her younger brothers how she got scared why she didn't mean to lie but she felt not right inside so she told the truth knowing "mommy was waiting to hear it." :) Talk. Try and have an understanding and fairness on both sides. Acknowledge your sister the damage is done and that she can always replace her make-up but she will never be able to replace family...advise your daughter that if the items are not hers, don't touch or mess with them anymore...talk :)

Hi Dana, I things there is two things you need to do, number one consider the source, and number two, consider your daughters track record on honesty. Unless she was actually seen taking it, it is her word against your sister in law J.

Hi. I used to love to watch my auntie put her make up on. Since my mom didn't wear any and really its just a girl thing. If she took it, I don't think she intended to "STEAL" it. She may just be coming of age. So, maybe you can buy her a lip gloss as a token of understanding and then just have a nice chat about taking things that don't belong to her. This way you are not accusing her, and she will learn that if she wants something all she has to do is ask. Also, this sister in law is her auntie and can participate in her rearing. She could have went to her herself and had a talk w/ out including you. My auntie and I still share things that my mom has nothing to do with. I am 34 and a mother of 2 boys. 11 and 5.

My step-daughter and my own daughter have both done this type of thing starting at about that age. Until they have no choice but to admit the truth when faced with the evidence they tend to deny, deny, deny.

If you have no reason to believe your sister-in-law is making it up, (Although I would ask SIL why she believes it to have been your daughter- She obviously did not see her, or she would have confronted her, right?)you should work under the assumption that it is true. (Too many children her age have done this. Research/history are working against her.) You should check her room, drawers, backpack, purse- maybe even her desk at school since that is where they will generally use this type of thing.

Many will tell you that it will hurt her feelings, self-esteem to search her...Maybe you could talk to her beforehand and tell her that she needs to prove her innocence by going through all her stuff with you. If nothing turns up, you probably should not punish her, unless your SIL's belief is enough for you. Regardless, you should talk to her about what will happen to her (Another poster mentioned her daughter getting caught shoplifting and uncle cancelling a pet-sitting gig due to not being able to trust her. They tend to get away with it much more often than they get caught.)if things like this continue to happen. She needs to not give anyone reason to doubt her because once trust is lost, it is hard to get it back. Tell her you're really sorry that you're doubting her without real proof, but at this point it is her word vs that of an adult whom you have no reason to doubt and unfortunatelly kids' nature is speaking against her, but that she has an opportunity to gain all your trust back.

I know how difficult this is, but you really do need to address it. I hope you find the way that is right for you and your daughter.

-I.

I would ask myself what possible reason your sis in law would have to lie. Did she say she caught her red handed. I imagine it would be hard to want to believe something like this, but I would go with the adult unless she is a wierdo or would have reason to lie.