What to Do with a Child Who If Frequently Lying

Dont give her the chance to lie. Dont ask her questions she might lie to. Let her know you will assume she will lie and therefore simply wont trust her till she mends her ways. When there is something like clothes to hang up, dont ask, just go look. It is wrong to ask a question you already know the answer to anyway. It's like a trick. Dont trick her into a need to lie. Just dont ask.

There's a great book about adopted children and includes the topic of lying. It's called Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control. If you can't find it in a store, you can order it from the Post Institute (http://www.postinstitute.com). We have two children adopted at a year and a half old (now 8) and this book is the first book that truly has helped us understand our kids and how to help them. My daughter started compulsively lying about 2 years ago and once I treated it as fear based, it started to go away. She rarely lies anymore. I highly recommend this book for any parents who have adopted children!

S.

First off I want to congratulate you on your adoption, my aunt adopted 3 kids and the process is not always easy, but very rewarding.

As for the lying, I have a stepdaughter that came to live with us ful-time about 2 1/2 yrs. ago. She has the exact same problem with lying. I didn't really notice her lying when she was younger, b/c she was mostly with her mother, but when she came to live with us, she was just turning 9 and the lies started right away. Just a few months ago, I was in the Kinko's distracted by my 5 yr. old and trying to get my order in with the clerk. My stepdaughter was standing right next to me and was attempting to steal gum. I caught her right in the act and she proceeeded to lie straight to my face about it. I made her apologize to the clerk, she already popped out some of the pieces of the gum so I had to buy it and told her she wasn't getting any of it.

Factors to consider are: With my stepdaughter, she was feeling abandoned by her mother. Although she is in a loving and stable home, she still to this day, feels abandoned by her mother and she doesn't know how to deal with those feelings so she lies as her coping mechanism instead of dealing with the reality. We put her in therapy and have a close realtionship with the school counselor and her teachers who all know that she likes to "tell stories".

The fact is that there is no magic formulas to make lying stop. You have to take into consideration where your daughter has come from, what kind of life she had before you adopted her at age 5. Therapy has helped a lot with our daughter. We always hold her accountable for her lies, so continue to take toys away, if she steals, making her apologize to the manager like you have already done. Be consistent with conseqquences and it may seem like "when is this going to end", b/c I have been there several times, we now have phases we go through, where there is no lying for months, and then out of no where it seems like everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie and it can be something as simple as "Did you brush your teeth" and she'll lie about it.

Also, too, through therapy we have learned that lying is a control issue. She can't control the outcome of what is happening to her and again although your daughter as mine is are both so much better off, they still feel confused and negelected by their parents or whomever was caring for them before. So they try to take control of anything by lying or saying they put away clothes when they didn't or made their bed when they didn't.

The lying has caught up to my daughter several times and in August she had to apologize to her whole class (32 kids) write letters of apologies to teachers to be held accountable for her lying. I know that was really hard for her to do go up on front of her peers and admit that she lied to them and ask them to forgive her. The kids were really great with her and told her that they like her , they just din't like what she did and that it was wrong. Since then, she has been more honest about her feelings and again, just more honest in general with her therapy sessions, etc.

When she had to answer to us, she didn't really care, b/c she new that we were going to be there no matter what. However, she didn't know what the outcome would be with her friends, and we told her everytime she lies, she's going to have to go up in front of her class and apologize to them. She's 11 now and doesn't want to alienate her friends. She's kind of back offed in the lying department for now anyway.

The best advice I can give, is that if she is lying at home she is probably lying at shcool as well. And it won't come up at school unless she lies about something kind of big. Lying is also a way to get attention. If she is not in therapy, I would suggest therapy for her, always hold her accountable for her lying and reinforce that lying is wrong. Maybe reward her when she does tell the truth. A friend told me that she lied really bad when she was younger (for her it was an attention issue) SHe said she didn't stop until one day her lying got her into really big trouble. She had never told me what trouble it got her in, but she emphasized "really big" and she hasn't lied since.

So I am jsut waiting for that "really big" something that will make my daughter realize that she doesn't need to lie.

I hope this helps. GOOD LUCK!

She was adopted at 5, so obviously she will have issues. (How wonderful of you to adopt her, though.) I would go easy on her over this. Let her know that you know when she lies, and leave it at that for now.

Dear M.,
Lying is a bad thing. All kids try it at one point or another. "I don't know how that got broken" or "Nope...no homework today." But you really have to nip it in the bud, right away.
My daughter was hurt by her dad and was in counselling for years. One thing I learned was not to ask "Why?" questions of little kids because they often don't know why they are doing something. You can say things like, "Did you know it was wrong to take the chap stick without paying for it?" "Did you think I wouldn't find out?" "If you tell me that your clothes are hung up, and you know they aren't, that is being dishonest with me, right?"
I always told my kids that lying would never get them anywhere. That I would always find out anyway. They would get in far less trouble for telling me they left their homework in their desk instead of telling me they didn't have any at all. If they were goofing around and something got broken, I might still be upset, but not NEARLY as angry if they lied about it. Your daughter is 7. Get out the dictionary and look up the words honesty, lying and integrity. Read the definitions with her.
The thing to stress is that even if she does get away with a lie, it doesn't change the truth, and when you lie a whole lot, you have to carry all those heavy lies around with you. Once you lie to people, they don't ever have to believe anything you say ever again. Gaining back someone's trust can be a very difficult thing to do.
Life is far nicer when you can have friends and family that will help you and support you through tough times because you've built relationships based on trust. People who feel they can't believe anything you say tend not to want to be bothered. People who lie for lying's sake, don't tend to have many friends.
I remember being very little, maybe about 4. My dad took me to the store to buy some fishing tackle. I had my little play nurse kit with me. Oh, how I loved the smell and feel of those rubber worm lures. (Still do. Weird, I know). Anyway, There they were....bins and bins of them in every color imaginable. I just couldn't resist. I put several pink ones in my plastic nurse kit. We got out to the car and I proudly showed my dad my pink worms. He was not as happy about me having them as I was. He marched me right back into the store and made me give them back and apologize for taking them without paying for them. He told me he might have bought me some if I had only asked. Then, bummer of all bummers, I didn't get to go fishing with him. I never tried that again!
Your daughter is 7 and clearly old enough to understand the concept of paying for what you bring home from the store. She should be made to return the item and apologize, herself, for having taken it.
You may want to look into having a consultation with a child therapist. You adopted her two years ago. I'm sure you are doing a fabulous job, but she may be going through some feelings of anger or abandonment that have nothing to do with you. Therapists can be really great resources as far as helping you know what will get through to a kid and what won't. What types of questions are best to ask. They do "play therapy" and gleen information from artwork, etc. It's not a sign that you or your child are bad. My daughter had some really wonderful women that got us through some tough times with my daughter's irrational fear that her father was coming after her and was trying to make booby-traps and weapons out of turkey basters and shishkabob scewers. One thing that was so important for my daughter in the whole thing is that she was believed.
She wasn't making things up. She was telling the truth.
God forbid, if something bad were to ever happen to a person, they need to be believed.
The story of the boy who cried wolf is another good thing to share with your daughter.
Just try to get a handle on it now.
My dear friends have a 13 year old son and they don't believe a single word out of his mouth. He's always been like that and I guess they've just kind of accepted it.
He's a fireman and she's a teacher. You'd think they'd have wanted to get a handle on it a long time ago.
Just get a grip on it. Your daughter will thank you for it in the end.

I wish I had some good advice. I know kids lie, but this sounds like a bit more than that. Have you spoken to her teacher or considered a counselor? Other than that, the only thing I can think of is to ask if she gets as much attention when she is behaving well as she does when she lies. Kids crave attention, even negative attention. Also, have you ever asked your daughter point blank why she lies? Maybe after the moment has passed and emotions are calm, you could ask her, "Why did you tell me you hung up your clothing when you hadn't?" or "Why did you take that chapstick from the store and then say that you didn't?" She may just say, "Because I wanted to." Acknowledge how she feels -- "I know what it feels like to really, really want something." Validate her, and then let her know why it's not okay without using the word "but." For example, you could say, "The problem is, when you take something without paying, it's called stealing, and stealing is against the law and hurts the person or place you steal from," or "The problem is, when you do not tell me the truth, I feel like I cannot trust you. If I cannot trust you, then I cannot start letting you do more big girl things." Something like that. Keep it short or she'll tune out. Also, at a certain point, she needs to develop a sense of not wanting to lie because lying is the wrong thing to do, instead of not wanting to lie because, if she gets caught, she'll lose access to a toy. I was a big fan of taking things away until I realized that, at a certain point, I was teaching my son to make threats ("I'm going to find a new family!" -- that was cute) and not helping him to develop his internal sense of why not to do something.

I too have an adopted child. I don't know the agency you used for your adoption, but ours required a nine week training module. The stealing and lying are more than just issues of character and morality in an adopted child. You need more help than the advice we can give you here. Do you still have contact with your social worker(s)? If not, then try making contact. Explain the situation to him/her. Ask for help!

M.
Have you done the talking when the return was done to the store? Make her do the talking, so she can experience the
feelings first hand, and the embarrassment as well. They aren't going to want a repeat of this to keep happening.
I was a manager for Save Mart, and have had several kids do this, but they did not want to experience the humilition
of explaining it to me again. You could also ask for
thier security people to talk to the child also.
Good luck.
W.

It's very important that she knows that regardless of the "crime" you still love her, and that you are not as upset about what she did as you are about her lying about it. I am no expert on how to get this across, and believe it's something you have to figure out based on the personalities of you and your child. I see a lot of good suggestions already have been given.

Hi M.,

That's a tough one isn't it! I remember going through a fairly long lying phase when growing up (sorry mom). What I do remember sinking in is she and my dad stating that the punishment I was being issued was worse because I'd also chosen to lie about my actions. It was after a couple of those and a couple of "letting it slide" moments (after telling the truth the first time around) from my parents that I finally just stopped lying and started with the truth instead of hours of grueling questions and dog piles of lies.

Good luck!
T.

We have a daughter that has gone through the same thing it comes and goes. My Dad suggested to accuse her of lyining a few times when you know she is telling the truth to teach her that frequent lying will eventually lead people to assume you are lying, I can tell you this works! The other thing I have done though probably not very pollitcally correct is to lie to her about something to show her how it feels to be on the receiving end. This teqnique made me uncomfortable...well both did at first but they worked. I told my daughter I was making her favorite for dinner then started preparing something else, dissapointed when she saw I was preparing something else she asked about it. I plainly told her I lied and asked her how it felt, she understood very fast that lying hurts people. We had been talking and disipling until there was nothing left to say and nothing left to take away.This worked though, I won't say she never lies now but she is definitly more careful not to. Hope this helped.

I can't help but wonder how much attention your daughter is getting for lying? You spend the time talking to her and you don't let it go until she tells you the truth. As a parent and a professional in the world of children, kids often don't see bad attention vs. good attention, they just see attention.
My suggestion, have a talk with her. Not after a lie, but in a nuetral moment. Tell her that it is disapoints you that she can't be honest with you. Tell her the set consequence for lying. Leave it at that. If she lies, don't spend hours trying to drag it out of her, just tell her the consequence and move on. No more big attention for it.
On the other hand, lavish her in attention for things done well. Ask her questions you know the answers too and there is no reason for her to lie (risk of consequences) and give her big praise and attention for her honesty.
Make a point to spend special time with her (and never make a consequence of lying, taking this away) doing something she loves to do.
Obviously attacking the problem (lying) isn't working. So how about trying to support and encourage the opposite of the problem (honesty)?

I don't set her up to lie. For example, I know I did not buy the chapstick. I know of no one who gave it to her because she has been with me all week. I might say, "Why did you feel you needed to take the chapstick? Why didn't you ask me to buy it?" If she had asked me and I said no, I would still ask her why, "Why did you take the chapstick after I said no."

When it comes to picking up toys, hanging up clothes, and putting her laundry away, I ask, "Will it pass inspection by daddy?"

When she is truthful, I thank her for being honest and am more lenient. When I thought she hadn't done her homework, I checked. When I found the work not finished, I asked, "Why didn't you finish your homework?" as she implied she had (She was watching TV...work then screen time is the rule.), I asked why she didn't do her homework. I get the typical answers, "It was hard. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do it. It's boring." Instead of canceling her playdate, I postponed it until later in the day, when the homework was finished. Then we had a discussion about asking for help.

I know that is not the same as stealing, but you get the idea. Don't set her up to lie. You know the truth, so ask why she did something instead.
Stephanie