So What Happened?
Oh my! Such wise & wonderful advice from everyone of you. My relationship with my Mom has always been close & loving. I never dreamed my relationship with my only duaghter would be anything else. Yes, I have many things in my past that I am still dealing with. My husband committed suicide when my daughter was 15, she & I had moved away from him before this happened. He was the love of my life, a wonderful man with manic depression. My only son died 10 yr later from a drug overdose, then my Dad. These were all the important men in my duaghter's life. I know this has caused her much sadness, she has been in counselling for many years. She has 5 children, her husband was arrested last summer for domestic violence. She lost her job in March, but just started another last week. I know money doesn't buy time with my grandchildren, I think I worded it wrong. But, I have gone in debt more than once to help them out, bought furniture, clothes, paid for auto repairs, & the list goes on. The only time I really see any of them is when my wallet is open. That is my own fault! I have made them dependent on me. But, they irresponsible with their money. They have every kind of new "toy" on the market, but can't make their house payments, & I believe they will soon lose it. I have jumped in & bailed them out many times, this time I cannot afford to do it. My husband & I don't have any retirement, per se, I've been on disability since 1995 for a chronic illness. We must take care of ourselves, too. I haven't minded helping out, but it has gotten to be "expected." I do see the children when I take all of them to plays, dinner, holidays, etc. if there are gifts involved, or money. I was treated like the plague when my oldest granddaughter graduated last week. I was ignored, made to feel very uncomfortable & my daughter was very rude to me. She wasn't raised that way, so I just don't get it. My kids adored their grandparents, loved being with them, & were taught to respect them. I know I am whinning, I am just so miserable, I can't even sleep. I do invite my duaghter to do things with me, sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't even answer my request. They don't answer their phone when the caller ID says it's me or someone else they want to avoid, the children can't answer the phone or the door when they are home alone (although their father works from home)even if it is me. I am told it's not personal, but it sure feels that way. It's OK if a boyfriend is there, if he come before my daughter leaves. I would be happy with that arrangement. When the kids were younger, I babysat them, they often spent the night. But now that they are older, they haven't spent the night a few years. I know she made fun of me & my Mom in the past, I suspect she still does, because I once accidently heard the oldest child on the phone telling her Momma she couldn't stand the way I said something about it being cold in the grocery store. If my duaghter would have done that to my Mom she would have been told to "get over herself, that's your Grandmother!" My daughter has a vicious tongue, & it has carried over to her children. It is sad, the youngest one keeps asking why she can't come over to make cookies & do crafts. I tell her the same thing everytime. I would love to have her come over any time Mommy says it's OK. Some of my family says they feel she is jealous of me, but I have no idea why that would be. There is nothing to be jealous of. I love my daughter with all my being. After her Daddy's death we were joined at the hip, like the son goes, "You & me against the world." It was very difficult, there wasn't money for things she was accustomed to. But, we made it thru. My son was adopted, my duaghter has told me he got all the attention. I n many ways he did. He was a very sick child we were at the emergency room almost weekly, he has chronic, severe asthma & we nearly lost him on 2 occasions when he was younger. He had learning disabilities & emotional problems, as well. She was our biological child. He was raised in hospitals & doctors offices, often my daughter had to come along. I am nopt by a long shot a perfect Mom or human being. My kids didn't come with a manual, I did as my parents did, & I often asked for their advice. They never helped me out by giving me money, nor did I ask. I went without or figured it out myself. My mistake is that I didn't want my child to have to go thru the same hard times that we did. I think I enabled her/them. I did go seek soem counselling, he told me I may never know why she treats me this way, but to stop giving money. I do praise her, I am her best friend, I've got her back! I even planned to buy her home for her after her husbands arrest becasue she told she was in an abusive relationship & I didn't want to see her & the kids out in the street. But, when she took him back, the deal was off. I don't think I want to "buy" a husband for her. Her oldest kids wanted their Dad gone, too. She tells me they are now seeing a psychiatist, & that their realtionship is better than ever. I told her I was so glad to hear that. (I wasn't, but I "try" not to criticize.) I have offered to go with her & pay for my time, to try to figure out this vendetta against me. Here I sit writting this when I should be doing laundry, bathing doggies, eating, cleaning, or doing something enjoyable. Instead I get up, check my phone & email in case there might be a message from my daughter or one of the kids, do this off & on all day & even stay up past midnght just in case a message might comne from her. Then I go to bed & can't go to sleep worrying if she is being abused mentally & that is why she is so distant, or if her husband might do something even worse, or she might go off the deep end & do something horrible. My pst experiences are programed. I told her once that now that she was the only child, I might spoil her, need to be closer to her, & that I might become a pain in the rear because once one loses a child, we tend to hang on for dear life to our surviving children. (sigh) This is so hard. I've asked my daughter out to lunch on her day off, she won't even respond. I call, she won't answer the phone, if I go over they won't answer the door. My husband (of 15 yr) does not want her husband in our home. He feels any man that lays a hand on his wife isn't welcome here. He also now says he is through trying to help my daughter because of the way she treats me. Family politics! Yes, I still grieve for my son, husband, father. I will be spending the 29th with my son at the cemetery as I do every year. No one else has ever gone. I sing to him, bring flowers, balloons. I want people to see he is loved & that someone cares. My Dad is buried a few feet away, so I am a mess on the days I visit. I go alone, my daughter has never gone, my Mom gets too upset, so I don't take her, my siblings don't go, either. I know they really aren't there, but I need to remember them on special days. Sorry for going on & on. Now, maybe I can do something worthwhile, today. Thank you all for listening & for your kind words & terrific advice. I think I m going to start a rent a grandma & give my time to children who don't have a grandma & need some uncondtional love & fun. I have so much to give, I know I am fun to be with. Thank you, all of you who sent me this great advice.
S.
