Living with MIL, Need Encouragement, Advice!

Hi V.,

The book of Matthew is very encouraging in times like these. God says that we will be dealt with the same way that we treat people. My sister and I were just talking about family dynamics the other day. We are expected to treat people with kindness yet I think it is okay to set boundries. Maybe you could sit down and have a grown up conversation with your MIL and first tell her how thankful you are that they are sharing their home with you and your family, because I'm sure that there is some compromise on their lives with you all there, and then say I really would like it if... and set some boundries and give some examples of things that have been said. Mention that you are not depressed but need the space to raise your children the way that you and your husband have decided too. That God choice you and your husband as these childrens parents and that your are raising them in a way that is pleasing to God and that works for YOUR family. Thank her for her willingness to give idea's and advice but maybe she could word it just as that instead of a SHOULD. Pray before you talk with her and ask God to be with you as you approach this conversation and ask that He give you the words and to keep you calm and joyful during the conversation. I will be praying for you and I know this can be a very difficult situation.

Many blessings and congratulations on your fifth blessing to come.

M.

V., I really don't mean to be harsh with you, but since you are a sister in Christ, I know that we have an obligation to one another to speak the truth.
If your two examples of your mother in law are what I am to go off of, I need to let you know that you are living with a gem of a woman. What a thoughtful gesture, to wash your bedding and have you stay come home to a fresh bed! The little gentle suggestion of putting your child down to bed with a night light and music seems to be an effort to ease a crying child to sleep--you both have the same goals. Would it hurt anything besides your pride to be meek, quiet when you want to respond and give her idea a try?
I am the mother of seven young children, have also been a situtation like yours for several months with my own mom while we remodeled. It was tough--and I never got a lick of help from my mom (not laundry, let alone babysitting!). We did, however, stayed for free, didn't pay utilities and only covered food expenses.
The womanly art of graceful gratitude has been lost on us younger women. We need to stand up to injustice, not irritation. We need to be quiet, and respect those women who have put their time in. We need to search out the good motivation, not gripe at or injustices......
I would love to have your mother in law. Mine has never met my children and has sent back torn up photos of them.....please take the next day to do something extra sweet for your MIL--you sound like a lovely woman yourself, married to a hardworking man. Thank God for his mom. GOd bless you, you are doing a great thing, V..

Hi V.! You are definately in a sticky situation! I have a similar mother in law, and I have found that when she gives her "opinions" about how I am doing things, (or in my case it is usually her telling me how she did things when she was raising her children, and how great it worked etc..) I try to respond with a smile, or "oh really"? But my mother in law says things in a more under handed way. Sounds like yours is just telling you how you should do things. I think it will probably be something you will battle until you are out of her house. I am sure she feels she has the "right" to give her input since you are living in their home. But responding in a calm and kind way, may just help her realize you have chosen to do things differently than her. Like with the putting the kids to bed with a night light....you could say: "that is a good idea"....then leave it at that. Don't let her get to you. It is very obvious that our parents generation did things differently! During those times when I am frustrated with my in laws, I pray about it, and try not to be discouraged, because you are doing a great job. You and your husband are great parents I am sure! Stick to your guns and keep praying for your house to sell:-) I will pray for you right now my friend!

Okay, this is what I think. You know you are trying to do what is best for you and your family, but the devil is working it big time. From this end, I think your MIL is doing what she thinks is right from the time she lived through. You on the other hand is doing just the same, but from your perspective. Think of it this way. Think of it as if you are coming from a different country or she is. As much as we would like to think that we can and we know things, there is big " cultural" difference between generations.
Your bedtime for example, your way is working for your family and you've had no problems. It might not be the way she lived and worked out. (Personally, leaving the kids crying did not work either for me and it's still painful that I paid more attention to a book and my heart.) Again, two different end of cultural perspectives.
I think you are under a lot of stress that you have no control over AND the devil is turly working what if infront of him to win you over. I think if you asked God to relieve your feelings and let you see your MIL as a person who is trying hard to please you in way she knows how.
Washing the bedsheets... that is not my favorite, and I don't know any woman who would invite herself to more laundry. Your view is that she invaded your personal space with you and your kids. It's your territory.
I think her view is that her grandkids and you are her children. As a mom, she took it upon her to wash and provide comfort for her "children".
I'm sure that some of the words that she has used to express her view might not have been nice and it was hurtful. But, like I said before, think of it as the difference. You know you can't go to certain part of the world and shake hands with ( you are missionaries and you know far more than most of us) your left hand and what they do and say is okay in their world and not yours. If it helps, put it in that way. Sometimes, we try to understand our co-workers, the strangers we talk to more than the people who we love and know.
I can see that you really don't want to feel the way you do and I hope I have suggested the two cents of worth.

Ask God to lead you and give him the map.

If it were me I would as kindly as could be say that you for the advice, but this is hour my husband (your son) and I have decided to raise our children and everyone has diferent parenting styles. Not sure if you have, but it might be helpful if she hears it from your husband too.

Good luck!

Oh, I feel for you. Mother-in-law relationships are really tricky. To live with your mother-in-law--even trickier! I had very few problems with my MIL until my son was born. All of a sudden, she had all sorts of opinions about what I should be doing. And she always started off her "advice" with the phrase, "You absolutely MUST do ABC," or "You really need to do XYZ" And she would get really offended if i failed to take her "advice" (more like orders!) I could describe to you so many incidents where she tried to exert control over situations regarding my son, or got angry about how I was handling things

I had a couple of chats with her myself, but what really made a difference in her attitude was having my husband have a serious talk with her. He approached her with the "sandwich" type criticism. Basically, starting off the conversation with something positive, addressing the issue in the middle, and then ending the conversation with something positive.

As a sinful human, I have often wanted to just have a good yell at my MIL and tell her to take a hike, but as a Christian (and for my son to stay close to his grandmother) I want to have a loving (or at least civil!) relationship with her. Having my husband act as a sort of filter between her and I has been the best strategy for us. She seems much more inclined to listen to him and not get offended than when I talk to her.

Other than that, just realize that this is a season that will pass and pray for patience!

Wow, first, I am so impressed that you have such a big family and are so happy. I know that mothers-in-law can be a pain, I too have experienced that all too familiar 'helpful advice'.

Unfortunately, I think you have to just grin and bear it while you are living under her roof. She is probably feeling like you need her help since you ARE living with her. You can try saying something like, "I appreciate your advice and I know you are just trying to help, but I know that I am following my heart with my parenting, and I have to do what feels right to me."
Maybe that could just always be your pat response to her each time she offers her unsolicited opinion.
The sheets? Well, I wish someone would change mine for me...

V., My mom is staying with us too. For other reasons though... My husband has real boundry issues with this. Thank goodnes that he is only in town a day and a half. We have found out that my spine is deterating and I am not able to do my normal things. She is retired and had moved up here to help out. My daughter is her only grand daughter and was born the day before her birthday. My husband has come to terms with this arrangement becaause he knows this heps me out but it has taken a while and major communication. My best sujestion is to be open with all forms of communication. Your husband should support you in your child rasing issues too. Have a weekly sit down with your in-laws. It might take a while to get comfortable doing this but it will work. My husband will now come home and have conversations with my mom instead of just griping to me. What a big differece. I'm not saying air all the dirty laundry in the first sit down, but pick your pmost important things to you first and ask your in-laws to do the same thing. Always end on a good note. I now also love all of my in laws, it has taken a while but honesty is the best policy and you will feel better yourself too not holding things in too. We are all tested in our own way. Just remember baby steps, C. B.

Sounds like you have alot of good advice, and prayers too! I would make sure your husband is on your side, as often sons have trouble standing up to mom. And the mom's often listen better to their son rather than the "outsider". If you have a chance to pray together (at grace perhaps) with your MIL, every day, do so. This will help her understand your heart, and you hers. It will take lots of patience and understanding on both parts, to make this work. Appreciate the gestures, but know your boundaries and politely set them.(with your husbands backing)

Your in-laws have had their lives turned upside-down by suddenly having 6 people (4 of them children, no less!) move in to their home. It's amazing that your MIL can still act sweet most of the time.

And you're now the second-in-command woman in the house, so it's not surprising you're feeling like your authority is being undermined.

There's only one answer: get out NOW, while you still have a good relationship with your in-laws. Your husband can start looking for a new job closer to your old house, if you want to move back in, or you can find a new place closer to his new job. As I see it, those are your only options if you wish to preserve your sanity and relationships with family.

Until you can get out, just bite your tongue, be kind and gracious, and respect your MIL's authority. If you need to vent about your frustrations, do it to a sister or girlfriend, because your husband will soon grow weary of listening to you slam his mother.

I really feel for you, and wish you luck. Please let us all know how things turn out.

V.,

First of all, I want to say congrats to you and your husband for over 9 years of a loving relationship and your commitment to your mission! That is really great. Second, congrats on your family and the new one on the way. It's a nice gift to be able to care for God's children.

I want you to know that what you are feeling about your mother in law is a challenging situation, but I can tell you can handle it. There are people that don't understand how to relate with other people and so they do it in a reversal sort of way by setting up a situation in words or actions or both to understand what the person means or is handling the situation. For example, your mother in law may not know how to deal with your feelings of frustration over living with her and you invading HER personal space, so she may put you in the same position by changing your sheets and seeing how you deal with it. Once you get upset about the situation then she watches how you handle it and then she will respond in the same way. If she feels like she doesn't know what kind of food you like or that you have an issue with her food she may make you uncomfortable with the food situation. She may do something like asking what you like to feed the kids and then feeding you that for dinner or trying to get a reaction out of you to see how you handle it so she knows how she should react with you. This is true for the night light too. She only knows the way she does things and that's ALL she knows to be right (black and white). She can't just ask you because it's not the same. She is emotional and needs to FEEL how you feel about it. Many times people are just trying to be polite about what they tell people or what they are feeling and thinking, so by puting you in a situation she can really get your honest take on it.

You could say that she means well, and boy I have heard that term in this situation too many times to know it isn't so. The point is, is that she is making you go through everything she is going through(make you frustrated and feel uneasy like her)so she understands how you handle it so she can do the same and that isn't right. Just because she doesn't know how to handle a situation doesn't mean you are obligated to feel like you don't know how to handle it either.

Ok, so a suggestion of how to handle this would be to know that you are cablable of figuring out the solution to every issue that arises. Do it with confidence and don't by any means do it to please her. This only feeds into her emotions. Have confidence! That is key to all of this because if she sees that YOU are in control of your family and you, then she has no place in telling you what your ability is to parent, be a wife, a woman of faith, and a friend. Your strength comes from God. I would be an example for you kids this way as well. The worst feeling is to have someone else tell you what your thinking no matter if it seems right or not. TRUST YOURSELF, your ability to plan your day and be happy in the moment is given to you be God and no one can take that away or make you feel otherwise without your consent!

What I am mainly saying is that you should never compare yourself to your mother in law or your husbands family in terms of how you do things no matter if you feel like your husband might like you being like his family. What I am most concerned with here is that you have someone to support you through this because sometimes I've seen this situation when the husband takes the moms side because he doesn't want to upset her, but it's at his families (you and his children's) expense. If this is the case, please seek a counselor at a church because you need support and should not be in a situation with his family without someone there to support you.

One more thing, you don't need to love someone, even in laws, to express love. If you don't want her changing your sheets, understand why she doing it (you know now) and respond to her in a loving kind real felt manner by telling her firmly that you would like it if while you are living with her that she does not go into your room unless you have asked her and you would appreciate it if she did not touch your families personal belongings. Tell her there are certain places that you would like to keep private for your family such as where the kids are sleeping etc. I realize she may need to change a light bulb etc. ,but she needs to let you know ahead of time.

I hope this helps and God bless you and your family.
G.

My grandmother is the same way as you MIL and is still at 98. She irked me to no end when ever I have stayed with her until my kids were the ages she gets along with best. She does my laundry and talks to me about weight, attitude everything. I have learned to pick my battles wisely as she will not change and I will be in for a fight. Unless it is important enough for you to take you kids out of the house over let it go. It is not forever that you will have to endure this every day! Make sure your hubby knows and understands your dificulties and make a code for "deal with your mother!" i.e. you will go outside and sweep the porch without a word, or make yourself a cup of tea, or anything that gets you away from her (and seems productive to her so she can't say anything about it).

Last visit my grandmother started talking to my 11 yo about her weight (which I have told her several times is appropriate for pre-puberty and similar to the other kids in her class). I took my daughter out for a walk and let her know that is was wrong, offincive, and that she is beautiful. Then I made sure she understood that she would not be introuble for standing up for herself and I would support whatever came out of her mouth at such a moment. I think it helped her feel empowered, she has been a rather meek one until then.

She did not do anything, but since she has stood up for herself in school and protected others from being bullied. She is far more confident now and I feel it is due to reflecting on this sour woman!

Living with inlaws is not always easy yes I do know did it for almost 2 years. We did set ground rules of stay out of our stuff, helping with the kids is fine. She was ok with that, we all have a different idea of help and so having to explain it will help alot. A talk with inlaws and husband will also help. Sooner rather than later. As for the kids stick with it on your part. Old ways are hard when someone has to deal with new ideas. As you read on here there are many different ideas of how each and everyone deals with kids. Some can't deal with crying others understand a few minutes wont hurt. This to shall pass and before you know it you will all be talking about the time you lived with Grandma. Stick with your guns on this and breathe a lot.
H.

Hi V.,
I lived with my in-laws for a few months while my husband went to school to be a truck driver and I will say that was a very uncomfortable time for me. I will say that you are lucky that she comes to you when the things you do are bothering her, my mother in law didn't come to me, she turned to her son. That made it hard for me because I had no idea why we were getting kicked out of the house and his family was looking down on me thinking I was being a "sloppy b---h" and was just stubborn about how I did things, but I actually had no idea anything was wrong, that they were just that mean. They thought I was just being lazy around the house until after I left, then they found out why the bathroom was staying so clean, that was all I was able to do to help. But yeah, at least you're being made aware of whats wrong. We actually ended up staying in his younger brother's girlfriend's house that she was remodling to re-sell and we had a 9 month old daughter too, now that wasn't uncomfortable emotionally, but it was physically.

I think you should just be kind, polite, but not change the way you two (your husband and yourself) have decided to parent. Sometimes you just have to ignore stuff with inlaws... maybe most of the time :)

Also, I would get the heck out of dodge as soon as possible! You sound religious, so I'll point out that in the Bible it says that a man should leave his family and cleave unto his wife... it is natural that things will work more smoothly when you too are ALONE parenting your children. You have started your own family, unfortunately, it doesn't sound like MIL can keep her nose out of it. That's something you can't force her to learn.

And I'm not sure how your hubby is handling this, but he needs to have your back AT ALL TIMES. Sometimes hubbys can clam up around their moms and try to smooth things over. She needs to know that you and he completely agree and are a team. Maybe when she has an issue, you can refer her to him and he can back you up. It's okay to say "NO MOM". :)

I just finished writing a research paper on homelessness, and one type is what you have described - living with family members (granted you aren't homeless, but it happens to fit with what I learned)

The biggest problems with people who are living with family is exactly what you are describing. Others butting in with how they think it should be done. Most also leave because of that reason too.

I am currently in the same situation with my mom, and have also lived with my MIL, and I have found that just saying, something like, "thanks for the suggestion, I'll take it into consideration", or 'gosh, that is a great idea, but I really like the way that I am already doing it', and since you sound religious, even tell her that you have prayed about it (which I am sure you have) and that you feel good about the decisions that you are already making, but thanks for the ideas' It lets them know that you hear them, but you are able to set a boundary for yourself. It sounds like your MIL might get upset, but she can take care of her own emotions.

As for the space issue, maybe you could ask your husband to tell his mom that he would like to take care of his room, not her. I can see how she is his mom, and has done it for his whole life, and now can do it again. I think it is tacky, but maybe she didn't think about that. In the end though, it is her house, and sometimes you have to keep your pride in check and let it go. It's just sheets, right?

Remind yourself whenever you want to freak out that it is only temporary!

So if you go and stay in your home, your dh doesn't stay there too? Did he get a job closer to his family? Is that why he wouldn't stay in the house with you? I was a little confused on that part of it.
Anyway, I actually stayed with my parents for 6 months a few years ago. I love my parents dearly I really do and my mom is one of my best friends. However! living with them as an adult is totally different. We never got into any fights or arguments or anything, but I always felt like I had to "report"to Mom where I was going and what I was doing. She cooked almost every day (which I loved by the way), but I always had to tell her whether we were going to be home for dinner or not. I wasn't used to that, we had been married for about 10 years by then so reporting to my parents was tough.
I know the housing market just kind of fell out of the bottom along with the rest of the country over the past month or so. I wish I had advice for you on that front, but I have a friend who is probably going to have to foreclose on her house in order to move her sickly daughter back to the south where she was much healthier. Just do what you can to get your house sold I guess is my only advice on that front. Drop the price as low as you can go on it and leave it up for sale. It has to be tough for you and your family to have to pay for it but not live there ugh!
The only other advice I have for you is just pray about it. Ask God to talk to you about it tell him you need help and that you can't do it alone. In the end it will all work out!
W.

V., Believe it or not, many daughter in laws live with their mother in laws just like you do. Our son came home from the military with his new bride. Within two years they started having a family and like you they now have four childrern. We love everyone including our daughter in law. They have been living in our home now for 9 years. We have had our differences as you are having. We both have told each other how we feel. If I were you I would tell you mother in law that these are your children and unless you are causing harm to them to let you raise them the way you and your husband are. Ask her if her mother in law told her how she should raise her children? Let her know that you do appreciate suggestions and that is how she should phrase it as well. I do this with both my daughter in laws. One is very accepting of suggestions and the other one just doesn't want anyone to suggest anything to her. If you don't want her to do the washing of your sheets and feel it is an invasion of your space just tell her, Thank you for doing this for me this time however; in the future I would appreciate it if you would just let me do my own laundry. After all I am in your home and should be doing my own. I am sure that she just thought that she was helping you out with you having four children to take care of. I do hope that you go the extra mile to do what you can for her to show her how much you appreciate them allowing you guys to invade their home and their privacy. I am sure that you realize how much that they have given up so that you can live their with them. I think that the most important part is to be honest with her. Make sure that you tell her that the way you have been raising your children has worked and that you will continue to do this. I totally agree with you on how you put them to bed. My one daughter in law has had to learn this the hard way and has had to pay for not doing it this way. Our children need to be able to go into their bedrooms and go to bed without lights and music playing... I wish you luck and hopefully your mother in law will understand where you and your husband are coming from. I also hope that your husband stands up to his mother as well, letting her know that the two of you know what you are doing. May God Bless You & Your Family. Keep a smile in your heart and good luck with getting your house sold so that you can get another one for your family. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Another one for your mother in law...

B.

(I know this is hard on you however you do have the strength to make it and I wish you the best of luck)

I am certain your situation comes with many challenges. I just want to offer a little different perspective. You have parents/inlaws that care enough about you to have you there and in their own (perhaps annoying) ways trying to please and help you. There are some of us who have no parents because they died and we miss them terribly. Some of us have alcoholic and sick parents. I myself have one parent remaining on both sides (mine and his) that are disabled and in care centers. Many days I am sad pondering what life would have been like to have involved parents in my life...grandparents for our child that care and are involved!!! Count yourself as doubly blessed, and think of those of us who long to have "normal" parents no matter how frustrating they might be at times!! Count your blessings....

Bless your heart, V.! You are in a tough spot. I have been on both sides of the situation. It took my mother-in-law and I a good many years to define boundaries. I, like you, felt she was very judgmental and crititcal. Although I love her dearly, I have never in 37 years, heard her admit she was wrong about ANYTHING. Ever! I swore I would never be that kind of mother-in-law. Now the other side. When my daughter and her family moved in with us for the better part of a year, I did every thing I could to make them feel welcome and comfortable. I DID change my grandchildrens' sheets, but not the grown-ups. I think you probably have a point there: I tried to stay out of my D and SIL's room as much as possible, probably because I am a person who values her own privacy. I think everyone needs to show respect for everyone else in the family and recognize that adults are now adults even if they used to be our children. We are now on the outs with our family, because we thought our SIL was controlling and even abusive at times, and finally said so. I wish we had laid down the ground rules early on and agreed to talk things out when they first started bothering us and not let them fester. You have one thing going for you...sounds like you are all committed Christians. Hope you will take advantage of this and prayerfully begin mending your relationships. Maybe if you gently tell your MIL what is on your heart, that will be a good start. Best of luck

Wow, V., I can really relate. Recently my FIL passed away and my MIL moved in with us (me, hubby, 4 kids and also MY mother) temporarily... we hope. She has ways of doing things that don't make any sense to me and keeps trying to help out around the house. (She is also diabetic and doesn't check her glucose levels regularly so she will periodically have hypoglycemic episodes.) I already have issues with my mom still treating me like I'm a kid and interfering with the discipline of our children, but now to have two mothers in the house who want to have control is very difficult. My MIL just wants to feel needed and viable in the household, though. Yesterday, I asked her to watch the baby (14 mos)while I took our middle-schooler to school and she layed back down in bed, so I asked my 8 year old to sit with him and if they needed anything to go and get grandma. She cried because she felt like I was treating her like an invalid. She shares a room with our only daughter (11) and continues to do her laundry and make her bed after I have told her repeatedly that I want the children to be responsible for their own laundry (bring down dirty to be washed and put away clean) and beds. I just stopped arguing with her about it. We are looking for a place for her to live that is suitable, but she is very particular about what she wants and is on a very fixed income so there are waiting lists everywhere. My own mother insists that we will be living together until she passes. (She is in pretty good health, so that won't happen any time soon.) At least with my own mother I can tell her to back off when I really need to get control of the kids and house. Her feelings get bruised, but she understands that this is my house, my kids and she gets over it pretty quickly. The difference is that this is OUR house and you are staying in HER house.

I don't think that it would be disrespectful to ask that she allow you to care for your own belongings and children. Let her know that you appreciate her feelings and point of view, but that your children need their routine to stay as normal as possible, given the circumstances, and that you need to feel that the space she has offered you to use is yours to use and ask her to trust you to care for it. Let her know that you would especially like your personal area that you share with your husband to stay personal... that you appreciate that whe wants to help you as much as she can, but you need to feel that THAT space in particular is yours and his alone. You have been married for a long time and had your own house to care for. So has she. She should be able to understand your feelings. She may be hurt at first, but she will get over it. Also, enlist your husband to be present when you talk with her about it... show a united front. That way there is no misunderstanding between the two of you that may be misconstrued to your husband inadvertantly. Tell him ahead of time exactly what you want to address. He should sit there and just listen unless she begins to become upset. He can then come to the rescue and be the loving and supportive son, but still firm on what you need. When you tell her what you DON'T want her to do for you, you could ask her to do something else that would help you out and that you would welcome.

Above all, pray that God will give you wisdom and the right words and prepare her heart and yours for what you need to talk about. Ask Him to give you strength to stand firm and patience and understanding when dealing with your MIL. She is probably struggling with the living arrangement too. You know that dischord in the home is not what God wants, so ask Him to help you seek His will in this. Pray with your MIL and ask God to help the two of you to find a middle ground for while you share her home and thank Him for such a generous MIL to offer your family her home while you are in this time of transition.

It will work out and you will look back on this time and be thankful for it later. I will be praying for you all.

S.

I would just say that with such a stressful situation, you need to cut both your MIL and yourself some slack. She has a bunch of people in her house. You are pregnant. From both of these angles, each of you is under pressure and likely to be easily annoyed, and/or annoying to others.

I can't see you moving back to your place, so isolated, w/o hubby's help, while pregnant and with all those kids. Yuck.

Well, If it's any consolation, she actually sounds like a gem of a mother-in-law compared to what my husband has to put up with. I might as well not go into it because I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's too much to even fill a book. But there is a difference here that is important. Just note that the things she says are not a direct put down of you and they don't sound like she is critizing you, because that would make it much worse.

And at least the things she says aren't out-of-this-world comments. Even if it doesn't work for you, a night light and music sounds sensible. Although I agree with YOU, because I tuck my kids in bed, say a prayer, and walk away. If they cry for a second its perfectly fine, you're just training them. In fact because I stuck with it, both of my kids go to bed easily and happily now. My son is 4 and my daughter is 11 months. When they were younger, about once or twice a week if they were restless I did put music on for them that was soothing but after a couple years I no longer did that. It just made for a calming and peaceful atmosphere and they love their rooms.

Other people don't understand the concept of put them to bed and walk away. When my son was little, my sis-in-law watched him late one night while I attended a Christmas with my husband. We told her to put him in the pack N play and walk away. When we returned to pick him up, she said she rocked him for 45 minutes and tried walking with him. He cried and nothing worked. As soon as she laid him in his crib he went right to sleep. Some people never listen.

Anyway, from an outsiders point of view, I only have two kids, but a deep sense of privacy. I would probably feel uncomfortable with people in my bedroom. But if I was you and was pregnant with four kids, I think someone washing your sheets would sound like one less thing to have to do off the list. A relief. And it wasn't like she did just yours, she did the whole families. Maybe she was just trying to be helpful.

I have a friend who has given me wonderful advice in times like this. REMEMBER, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Just a thought, and I wish you well. God Bless, M.

While giving your kids praise music at bedtime sounds like a positive, Christian thing to do. If your kids are still getting the message of Jesus' love and doing well with the bedtime routine, why change it?
Know that living with your mother-in-law is only temporary. While it may not be perfect, is it the best option for your family right now? It sounds like you've tried talking to her so the next step is just to pray. We can change our attitude but not someone else's.

Oh how I love the in laws! We lived with my husbands parents for a year just after our first was born. and we are actually kicking ourselves in the butt for moving out too soon! I fortunately got alone very well with my MIL but not so well with my FIL. We got tired of the comments on how we were raising our daughter but I tried to remember how grateful we were to have been let into their house to live. Your MIL sounds a lot more like my husbands grandma. We had her visit us for three weeks last sumer and I almost kicked her out of my house. I would have if it wasn't for the fact she lived 1500 miles away. She was just "shocked" that we did not keep the kids doors open at night (she really really hated that we actually locked our daughter in her room) she didn't understand that we did this because we felt that she was safe in her childproofed room and not safe being able to move around the house without us knowing. Everything to her was wrong the way we feed our kids, bathe them, play with them. I basically did everything wrong. She even rearanged the stuff in our kitchen because they just weren't in the right place! ( I still can't find my potato peeler!) Anyway I learned very quick to just say thank you for the advice I will take it into consideration and just shrug it off. They say all these things and make all the suggestions just as their mothers most likely did and we will probably be doing the same thing to our kids in the future.

Just remember they are doing you a great favor by letting you stay with them...they do love you and your kids and they mean well! And remember you don't have to do all the housework, yard work, cooking... while you live with them! It's a nice break, I say take advantage of it while you can! We sure miss living with a "live in chef"!

Hang in there;) I love my in-laws but I could not make it a week living with them. We tried in between moves. My MIL is a fantastic women but I know the way my family works. There is nothing wrong with putting your kids to bed in the dark, if there o.k. with it. Keep on doing what works for your family!

V.,

Yikes!! That sounds tough. I, too, have a very STRONG MIL. It took a number of years for me to become very comnfortable with her strength of personality, but we have a fabulous relationship and I love her dearly... but I do not live with her LOL. When I first had children and had not yet figured things out with her, I found some really great phrases that helped me get through without causing trouble. When being given unsolicited advice, here are some good ones: "Hmm, thanks for the idea. I'll give that some thought," "That's interesting, I'll pray about that," "I might think about that and talk to my husband about it." All very non-committal, non-confrontational and nicely tells her that you are the final authority where your family is concerned. If she persists in getting you to agree, you just keep dishing out the non-committal niceties until you are inevitably called away by one of your children. If you need to turn down her unwanted help, here is a line that has never failed me (always said with a warm, genuine smile and a firm voice:)"Thank you so much for the offer. I'll definitley let you know if I need to take you up on that." I have found that good MIL's just want to help, so if you can find circumstances in which you can solicit her adive or ask for help (on your terms, because you are asking), it will really satisfy that need in her while establishing that you are the one responsible for your family. If you give her appropriate oportunities to help and share her knowledge, it may keep her from making inappropriate opportunities. As far as the sheets go, I would love it if my MIL would change all of ours!!! But if you are uncomfortable with it, just make sure you leave a trashy black thong in your bed, and I guarantee it will never happen again LOL!!

V.,

It sounds like you are in a tough situation, and being pregnant on top of it probably isn't helping your emotions. It also sounds like you have a loving and caring MIL who is just trying to make the best of the situation. She probably isn't interested in invading your space as much as just trying to be helpful and do something that she sees that needs to be done. It is her home, and she is used to doing the work to maintain it. You need to respect that. Try to look at it from her perspective and imagine that your children are grown and gone and then one day one of them needs to come and live with you, bringing their spouse and four children along.

You may try talking to her and letting her know how much you appreciate all they are doing for you and that you feel in return it is only fair that you do some of the work around the house. You can start by saying that you feel it is only fair to be responsible for the rooms you and your children are staying in, and you will do the work associated with your living space. Sheets, dusting, tidying, etc. and so on. In addition, with the extra people around the house I'm sure there are extra chores (expecially with kids) as a result and you could offer to help her around the house in general (vacuuming, dusting, etc). Perhaps you are already doing those things, but if not it is something to consider.

Because you are living with grandma, she probably feels a certain amount of responsability for the comfort of her grandchildren. After all, you may be living with her but in a way you are also guests and she probably wants her guests to be comfortable. So, while you may find her suggestions offputting to you she sounds like she is just wanting to help her grandchildren. Don't be harsh with her or get upset, but say politly that you appreciate her suggestions however this is how you and your husband (or however you want to phrase it) have decided betime should be and you want to stick with it until you determine a change needs to be made. A child crying for a couple of minutes is not so bad, and they have the "company" of the other kids in the room with them so they are not alone and they know that.

Things will get better as you move on to your own home again. Just know this isn't a permanent thing, but it could last for a while longer. Discuss your concerns with your husband, and look for opportunities to get out and do some things for yourself. You and your husband should also get out together once in while. After all, living with the grandparents in a way means live-in babysitting! Take advantage while you can of the opportunity.

In addition, you should also be considerate of his folks and try to provide them with some private time as well. Again, remember that while they may be welcoming and glad to have you that you are guests in their home and the saying that "it is nice to have company but that it is also nice to see them go" is something most people do relate to. Maybe you are already doing this, since there was at least one opportunity for your MIL to change your sheets while you were gone.

You are needing to make the best of a tough situation, and I'm guessing that you want to feel more in control of things than you do now. Sometimes it is nice to not be in total control, but it can be hard to let go enough to enjoy it. Try to enjoy this time if you can, and appreciate the help you are getting while you are pregnant. With four other children already you probably get tired out pretty quickly I can imagine.

I wish you all the best.

J.

It sounds like you haven't discovered the boundaries yet. Or at least your mother-in-law hasn't. I live in a similar situation only I am the mother-in-law.

Two years ago my husband died leaving me with 2 children still at home and trying to survive on social security disability. The old saying of you can't take it with you is not true as when he passed he took half of our income with him. I did not make enough money to pay rent and utilities and basically we were going to be homeless.

Fortunately I have a daughter who is married to a wonderful man who did not hesitate to suggest we buy a home together. So I and my 10 year old son and 12 year old daughter bought a home with my 25 year old daughter and her 26 year old son. Did I forget that they had 5 children at the time. Now there are 6. So the eleven of us live in this house that is a bit too small but we all have a roof over our heads and we are fairly happy most of the time.

The situation differs from yours in that you have moved into the in laws home, so not even a little part of it is yours. When things get stressed around here we have talks. I try really hard to stay out of their marriage and the raising of their children. But you have to understand that they are your children, but they are their grandchildren. Grandparents are not supposed to live with their grandchildren. The kids are supposed to come every sunday for dinner and spoiling and then go home. It is hard to keep quiet when your grandchildren are involved. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and your mother-in-law would agree but you aren't doing it exactly like she would. The funny part is that it probably isn't how she raised her children either. She needs to learn that this is not her chance to get it right. All mothers have regrets and wish they had done something different. Grandchildren are the chance for that. But only if they don't live with us. It is a tough situation for all concerned.

Don't feel bad about her washing your sheets. Just say thank you. It was meant as nothing more than a nice gesture. Don't look for more than it was. Sit down with your mother-in-law, father-in-law and husband and have a discussion. Don't make accusations but maybe suggestions. Don't look for reasons to get your feelings hurt. Look for the meaning behind the words not the words themselves. When she told you how to put your kids to bed it was only a suggestion. She just didn't put it into a suggestion form, but the meaning behind it was to be helpful. It does break our heart to hear our grandchildren being disciplined or crying. But it didn't break our heart so much when it was our own children as we knew what was happening with them. Besides we are older and so much wiser now. hahahaha. That doesn't mean we don't want you to discipline as we don't want brats for grandkids, we just want them to be naturally good.

Look, it is a tough situation for all of you. The in-laws have graciously opened their home for you and want you there as long as you need to be but on the other hand you are invading their space and interrupting their routine. You on the other hand wish you could be in your own home with your own rules and your own routines but are grateful to have such loving in-laws that would open their home to you. Try telling them this and maybe the four of you can come to some terms. Talking without accusations and really problem solving is a very rewarding experience and can make things easier for all of you. Good luck!

Well, I just got out of a situation where I was living with my mother (and younger brother). It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. She was getting a divorce from my step dad and needed us to support her until she could go to school and get a job. I have 3 children and my hubby. We packed up everything and took most of it to storage. We were there for 2 years. It was so hard as she expected me to do all the cleaning and cooking. If I told her we were not going to be home for dinner (which HAD to be promptly at 5:30), she would get angry. (I guess she was mad that she had to cook.)

She would never tell me where she was going, but I had to tell her where I was going and what time I'd be back. I had to deal with her biting comments and fiery temper. We had a really good relationship until then. She would get annoyed with my kids for leaving their toys out or for being loud while playing. (They were 7, 4, and almost 2 when we moved in.) We had made an agreement beforehand that when we moved in she would NOT take over raising my kids and she still had to be grandma. She kept pretty well to that... but a few times I told her to knock it off. She did critique my parenting some and always slammed me about my housekeeping and it made me mad.

Anyway, the way I dealt with it was to "endure to the end". It was very hard and the day we moved out was like a celebration. I just kept telling myself that I wouldn't be there for forever and that one day I would be the matriarch of my family again. I totally understand what you are going thru and I totally sympathize. Just one day at a time and endure to the end. I'll be pulling for you!

S.

Replace, in your head, your mother-in-law as someone that you endear. Pretend she is that endearing person (your best friend, your sister). Keep that thought through out everything she says and does. It will help.

V.,
I understand where you are coming from. My husband and his dad own the house we live in jointly. I moved in with them 14 years ago. We married and have two little boys. From experience, it is difficult living with inlaws especially when they aren't your parents.
I feel that your mother-in-law has crossed the line. Eventhough you are living in her home, she needs to respect your space and parenting style.
I would be sick if my in-law washed my sheets. That is definitely crossing the line. I see her as a mom trying to parent her son instead of accepting the fact that he has a wife and children.
Why can't you take your home off the market and live there or find some other temporary living arrangements. Your church may have some options for you.
Now, about the parenting. I have spoken with many psychologists about my father-in-law butting in when his opinion was un-solicited. They all told me that grandpa needs to be a grandpa and nothing else. They need to but out and let the parents parent.
Your husband needs to speak with his mom and let her know that as much as you are grateful that she has taken you in, she has crossed the line in more ways than one and that it will no longer be tolerated. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about what you don't want her to do. (The sheet thing is definitely a major NO NO. That's just plain wrong.) He is still her son, but he is also an adult and the both of you can take care of your children without her undermining your decisions.
By the way, my father-in-law accepted what the counselors said and minds his own business. He is a wonderful grandpa to our boys and enjoys his time with them.
After 14 years, I no longer need to have my husband give him a reality check, I can do it myself. He accepts me for who I am and loves me just as much as I love him. When I need his help, I ask for it, otherwise, he keeps to himself. I am blessed and grateful.
Good luck. - A.

My husband and I lived 1 mile away from my In-Laws for 4 years. It was challenging to say the least. I have a Mother-in-law who is sweet, and has good intentions. However, she is constantly saying "You know what you need to do" and then she proceeds to tell me or my husband about what it is we need to do with our children. It's usually bad advice. She as raised 9 children, so she thinks she is the authority of all things pertaining to kids. The truth of the matter is, when I tell my husband one of her "you know what you need to do" he tells me "it was a miracle that me and my brothers and sisters made it out alive with her as our mother". It's his way of saying, take it with a grain of salt, she's made alot of mistakes too, ignore what she says 95% of the time (he has told me those things in the last 12 years that we have had children). I have learned to say "thank you, I'll consider that" and then ignore it, letting it roll off my back. My father-in-law and I came to blows over something that was completely none of his business. He now keeps to himself, unless my husband asks for advice. My In-Laws are the type of people that can't keep to themselves, and invite themselves into everyone elses problems. Our marriage has survived 17 years, 3 of them we lived out of state, and those were the happiest 3 years of our lives.
But, back to you. It's difficult to live in someone elses home, especially when you have had a home of your own. If you have a home of your own, that YOU are making PAYMENTS on, my suggestion to you would to be move back into your house. Yes, you would miss your husband, but you would see him on the weekends. Yes, it would be a sacrifice, but don't think for one minute that your children can not feel the tension between you and your mother-in-law. They know and feel alot more than we know. They pick up on everything-they know when we are happy, sad, stressed out, tired, angry. They know, and it affects them. But, you would be happier, your kids would be happier, and you can salvage the reltionship you do have with your Mother-In-Law. My husband got a job in Seattle, and at the time, we lived about 3 hours away (not including traffic). There were no other jobs around where we lived at the time, so he had to take this job (he's a general contractor). He would leave early, early Monday morning, and come home around 8:00-9:00pm on Friday nights. He stayed with his grandparents who lived in Renton at the time. It was hard, but, we didn't have much of a choice then. I was also working full time where we lived, and my oldest wasn't even 1 years old yet. And, it was during the time where not everyone had a cell phone yet-meaning, he didn't have a cell phone.
Another question is, have you had any offers on your house in the last 3-4 months? I know we are in the winter months, and the market usually picks up in the spring. But, I have had friends who had thier homes on the market for 6 days before it sold or 1 year or so until it sold. The housing market is fickle and somewhat unreliable, especially right now.
To save your sanity & your relationship with your mother-in-law, I would move back into your home, until it sells.
I know this is probably not the advice that you want to hear, but it's a realistic solution.

Married for 17 years this May. SAHM of 2 busy, active and sometimes stubborn boys ages 12 & 6.

Hey!
Anytime you have to live with in laws it's tuff! But I understand where your Mother in law is coming from too. We all have our own routines and like to have things being in line with what we are used to.
It sounds like you are struggling and need to be relieved of the stresses that are around you right now.
What does your husband think about your situation? Is he supportive of you and would go to bat for you with his mother? I think it's important for kids and parents to talk and then share with the inlaw because they have a different connection.
Realizing that it's hard to be away from your husband for your own sanitity you may want to stay at your house until it sells and have him come home on weekends.
I pray for peace and direction for you and your family.

I just want to say OH MY GOODNESS, I felt like I was reading my personal journal while reading this. Although I have lived with my in-laws in the past, I recently went back to work and my MIL has been coming over to help with my 4 kids. I, much like you, discovered she had changed my sheets! I was very taken back by this. I didn't like the fact that she took it upon herself to do what I consider my job (and like you, felt my personal boundaries had been invaded). Although my MIL does not make such outright "suggestions" like your mother does, she recently made a comment about me in front of my kids. This angered my children, they told me about it, and felt they needed to defend my honor. So, I prayed about it, remembered my mom's words as a child, "kill 'em with kindness" and bought her a thank you card (for all her help). This took some effort on my part, but I felt so much better after.
Then, without my knowing, my husband had a little talk with his mom about her comment. This made it somewhat uncomfortable to be around her because I hadn't been there at the discussion. So I ultimately e-mailed her and just told her how I was feeling. Although I didn't get the response I was hoping for, the communication did seem to make things better between us.
So that would be my suggestion...you're obviously very different, just like my MIL and I are. Try to keep the communication open and when discouraged, try to keep your focus on what you do have to be grateful for.

HI V., What does your husband say or do about all that is going on? It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure. I can understand your frustration. Do the kids all go to be at the same time? Are they all in one room? I know it might go against the grain, but maybe Grandma needs to be a little more occupied in another area of the house when your doing kitchen duty. Could you have her put the little one to bed? Maybe read a nice story and help establish a relaxing night time routine? I used music at night to help my little one wind down. A nice little story is good too. It helps the kids have something to look forward to about going to bed. So often they might feel like they are missing out on all of the fun stuff. I think that if you were the one to suggest her "help" maybe even on a rotating basis with each child, it will put you in the "driver's seat" and give you a better feeling of some sense of control over your own family dynamics. I say "harness" the extra energy and use it to your advantage. You must be pretty tired by that time of night. I'm pretty new to this forum and would love to hear back how things are going.

Your mother-in-law sounds like a Saint. She is taking in 4 children and a pregnant woman and an adult man. How much do you think it takes to take on this task? Be kinder to her. You are going to be fine, but living with another female adult is always difficult. This is not your house. Your mother-in-law in not your enemy, she is just pointing out things she sees as hard to take. I would never shut my children in a dark room at bedtime. If it works for you, do it when you get back home. Cut the woman some slack, or move back to your house. Let your husband visit you.
Good Luck,
J. S

I wouldn't be living there. You've kind of set yourself up for it just by being there. It is extremely stressful living with other people. Everyone has different opinions about everything and different ways of doing things. I've had family or friends live with us at different times for up to two months, and it was extremely stressful for me; I can't imagine having six extra people for so long. She doesn't mean any harm; when I get "suggestions" from my mom or MIL that aren't useful for me, I just let them slide off my back and don't worry about it. Older people (I think) feel entitled to share all their "wisdom" because they have so much life experience. She's probably very stressed out and can't keep from making a few suggestions (even if you're Mary Poppins). In all reality, a night light and some music wouldn't hurt anything and it might shut her up. When my mom is overflowing with suggestions, my sister says "That's an interesting idea; I'll think about it..."

I know it's hard to be away from hubby, but you'll have to either grin and bear it, or go back home and let your hubby come home on the weekends. Good luck!

Get put of there. Go back to your home, and have your husband try to get another job where your house is and do not have any more children. I will be difficult for awhile but with God's help you can do it.

I have never known a situation where two women were able to get along living under the same roof. I've been in your situation and in your mother-in-laws situation too.

Us women have our own way of raising our family, keeping house, and such. It naturally causes chaos when there are two bosses.

I suggest, as hard as it might be, to give the control of everything to your mother-in-law, except on how to raise your children. Cook, clean, and follow all her rules while under her roof.

Unfortuately, the only remedy is to move out. Until that time, just know in your heart that you mother-in-law has good intentions and that you are not ungrateful for needing to be the woman of your own home.

Try and have one-on-one time with your mother-in-law once a week so that you two can remain on the same page. It will help both of you to save suggestions and setting boundries until this time alone with eachother.

I wish you all the best.

I really feel you are over-reacting, and kind of need to switch places with MIL. It sounds like it was just a suggestion about the music and night light, and afterall, it is HER home, so maybe your son crying each night was bothering her. What big deal was that one small request? Can she not share her opinions with you? Because she knows you ultimately make the decision.
As for the washing of the sheets, sounds to me like she was attempting to be helpful, not invade your space. I think it would be a good idea for you and hubby to bundle up the kids and head back to your own space and home (no matter how far) or ask less for your house, sell it quickly and get into your own. Otherwise, I'm afraid you and MIL will have some serious damage control to correct in your relationship. Sorry, I sympathise with MIL on this one.

I have been there done that. We moved and moved in with parents until we could sell our home and buy another. VERY stressful on the relationship.
As for the things that are bothering you: She is probably a bit right. Your life has been turned upside down and didn't work as planned, I would guess that would make anyone depressed at least a bit. I don't like the dark. My children don't like the dark. I would not be happy if you put me to bed with the light off and the door closed. I think she might have a prospective that can be useful. Instead of thinking she is out to get you, maybe think that a new prospective is a breath of fresh air. I am not saying she is an angel. This is hard on her also. I am sure it is hard. Just try to think how much God loves her and think how you could use these things to your families betterment. Remember these things will pass!
Good luck

Good for you to be willing to try. When she says, You should do this or that, it IS a suggestion. That is how I would say it too. If you don't agree then you can say, no they are fine without, but I don't think she meant it as you are wrong and need to change. I always suggest things to my daughter in-law and she says ya or nay and I don't get defensive that she doesn't except my suggestion. I don't know your MIL, but I have a way of being straight forward. People know not to take it as rudeness. I would never be mad at anyone for not doing what I said they should do. It's all in the interpretation.