Inappropriate Mother in Law

So you're not married and he still lives at home with his parents? What's attractive about that? If you're not in high school, or even college, why don't you want an adult? I don't get it.

It's hard to change parent/child relationships, and it doesn't sound like he even wants to. I would move on.

I think that you have spent 2 years with this man. You know what their relationship is like. I think she's perverted. No one that age does the kissy stuff and acts like this.

I wouldn't want to be around him to be honest. The fact that he allows her to do this means he likes it and isn't going to stop it.

I hope you an find a way to evaluate this relationship. I think her actions are gross and revolting. It makes him a whole lot less manly in my opinion. I'd be grossed out and couldn't be with him anymore.

You boyfriend's mother treats you boyfriend like a child. That is the relationship they have and you will not change that. I don't know how old he is, but if he is still living at home with his mother he is an adult child. I would learn to accept them as they are or move on.

ETA: I am unclear on the living situation. He lives with his mother or you both do?

I can't tell if you live with them also, or just your boyfriend who lives with his mom.

My MIL is overly involved in my BIL's life. He still lives at home and he is in his mid forties.

It's weird, and as others have mentioned, it's codependent. I didn't know how to describe their relationship until I heard Marda here talk about it and then I realized that's exactly how it is between my MIL and BIL. She treats him like a baby, he laps it up - he pays nothing in rent and has everything done for him. In exchange she gets to keep her baby. Yuk. I find it hard even visiting.

Here's the difference. When my husband and I got married and had our first child, my MIL overstepped boundaries. My husband put her in her place. She felt she'd do the same thing with my husband that she does with his brother. Nope. My husband took a break from his family for 3 years. She just didn't get that he was a man with his own life.

So while I do think your boyfriend's mother has issues by the sounds of it, your boyfriend can say no. He could move out. He could deal with it. He's not.

The problem is with your boyfriend. He won't change. If he knows you are upset and he does nothing to make the situation better, don't assume he ever will. It obviously does not bother him - so you are not a good fit.

Move on.

Just have to add, don't doubt yourself or ask if you're being too jealous. I can't stand when women ask that. You have a right to feel how you feel - why question it? Trust your better judgement. Why be with a guy who makes you feel uncomfortable - there are men out there who won't. Why settle?

She's not your problem. He's your problem. He puts up with it, he even seems to encourage it, and he defends it.

Any grown man who lets his mother talk baby talk to him and jump on top of him to smother him with kisses is someone who doesn't know his boundaries. She's ridiculous and inappropriate, absolutely. But he allows it and apparently thrives on it. He's enjoying the competition between the two of you, and he says "She just does it to mess with you" which means he is allowing it and endorsing it.

You saw this from the beginning, that he was a "momma's boy" and you're still there 2 years later. Did you think you could change him? It doesn't matter how much you love him or how much you do for him - he ENJOYS what his mother does and he is getting a huge payoff from it.

When people show you who they are, believe them. He has shown you from the get-go but you haven't believed him. He's not married to you and he's not putting you first - and he never will.

Where I think you are off base is in saying you are jealous. You are focusing on HER, and not on his shortcomings. Learn from this, grow from this, and never let another man make you feel like less of a person.

When you break up with him, he may well beg you to stay and promise to do better. But he probably doesn't mean it - he hasn't changed for you in 2 years, and he's not going to now. Move on. I'm sorry, but you deserve someone who is mature and independent and ready for an adult relationship. Take some time to work on yourself and your self esteem - don't just jump into another relationship. Learn to evaluate people and read them properly, learn what your priorities are.

Do you really want him to choose between the woman who gave him life and you after only 2 years in? She's not your mother-in-law because you are not his wife.

It's not going to happen.

If you are uncomfortable with the relationship he has with his mother and how she treats you, move on. Why settle for a guy that won't put you first? Why settle for feeling uncomfortable?

You get to choose who courts you. Choose wisely. There are plenty of guys who will treat you the way you want to be treated that have healthy relationships with their mothers. Why not let one of those guys find you.

Learn the lessons but loose the guy. Neither of you are good for the other and his mom isn't going anywhere.

Oh come on. You are wondering if you are jealous or have a point? WHAT???

"Mommy missed you, I got so sad when I saw your bed empty"...You have to be kidding. What kind of guy with a mom like this still has a girlfriend 2 years later?

He is damaged goods. Mommy's boy doesn't even cover it. Dump him NOW. If you continue with him, if you marry him, if you have children with him, you will be more miserable than you can imagine.

He is not worth it. Period.

How old are you and he? I think it's time for you to date a grown up, and that isn't him. Unless someone is just out of college and repaying a ton of student loans, is rebounding from a layoff. move or divorce or other temporary set back or has a sick, disabled or low-income parent who relies on an adult child for income support, there is no reason for an adult child to live with a parent. Not sure why you would date someone who doesn't stand on his own two feet and live like an adult. Seems like a waste of time to me.

And FWIW, she's not your mother-in-law. You're not married.

Just move on.
You and he (and his Mom) are not a good fit.
The longer you stay in this relationship, the more unhappy you will be.
Yes, you do have a point, but he's not ready to grow up yet and it's not your job to raise him.
He has it good at home - Mom takes care of practically everything - you're just his booty call.
You deserve more - so go find it elsewhere.

Additional:
So the hard work is done!
He's broken up with you and didn't wait till you broke if off first.
You've been dumped but it's a kindness and a blessing.
Consider it a bullet dodged, and move on.
You are already free and clear - it just hasn't sunk in yet.

Why do you and your boyfriend live with his mother?

If you want an adult relationship, then be adults. Provide for yourself/yourselves and go do your own thing. Don't blame his mother. (That's what she is, his mother, not your "mother-in-law"... you have no legal relationship to the woman as just his girlfriend.)

Maybe she doesn't treat him like a grown mature man because he doesn't display those attributes. You know, like moving out? Like supporting himself and not moving a girlfriend into the house b/c he can't support her else wise? Just something to think about.
If you don't like it, move. You can do that.

--
Although, as the others have said, their relationship sounds warped and I wouldn't want to be the person trying to sort it out. She was kissing him all over on new year's? That's not normal. And oddly, he doesn't seem to mind any of this. Sounds like quite a co-dependency going there.

Run. Don't walk. Run.

You're not married to this man-baby. Get out of the relationship now, while there are no legal entanglements or children.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you or your love will change him. He's a grown man doing what he wants to do---which is live under the domination of his mother.

Don't think of it as wasting two years. Think of it as an education in the type of life you really DO NOT want.

Common law marriage does not exist in Florida. So, unless you were common-law-married elsewhere, your boyfriend's mother is not your "mother in law".

So - you're just saying that you don't like your boyfriend's mother. Okay! Ignore her, or, break up with him if she is too much!

She's not your mother in law, she's you boyfriend's mother.
If you want to "move out" then do it, on your own. Support yourself like a full grown woman and stop expecting someone else to take care of you.

The problem as I see it really isn't your BF mother, it is your BF. If your BF made you feel like you were #1 you would just chalk his mother's behavior as ridiculous.

Sounds like your BF is content and maybe even happy being a mama's boy. If I were you, I would move on. Your just not compatible. Find a grown man that has his own place and acts like a grown man that has appropriate boundaries with his mother.

D., if this is real (because it certainly qualifies as 'really weird')....
Walk away from it. From all of it.
This isn't a boyfriend. I don't know what he is, but grown man doesn't come to mind.

You can do better. Hell, ALONE is better. If, in two years, he doesn't want to move out and have a place of his own so you can spend time alone? Um, weird. WEIRD. I'm sure you can see there is zero future here. Move on.

You're dating a child. It's up to you to decide if you are ok with that.

(To elaborate - the problem isn't her, it's him. Sure, she's pushing your buttons on purpose. But he's not saying "Cut it out mom". He's giving her the green light to do it. This is all on him.)

ETA - she's NOT your mother in law. She's your boyfriend's mom. He ended your relationship when he blocked your number. Now move on.

D.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Dump him. He's not old enough to date yet - mentally. He's still a child, not a man.

Staying with him will only make the drama worse. Just drop him and say thanks for the good times. You'll hold a special place in my heart.

If he asks why? Say when you become a man and cut your apron strings? Come knock on my door. Until then? Have a nice life. I need a man not a man-child.

frankly you both sound like nightmares.
first of all, she's not your MIL. you're not married, you don't live with your boyfriend, and you're not speaking to him over a very minor issue.
yes, she sounds a little creepy and smothery, but my money is 100% in the pile saying you're exaggerating what's happening to garner sympathy.
and if you weren't insecure and jealous of his mother (his mother!) you'd laugh and let it go and maybe actually end up friends with her.
'confronting' him and getting 'furious' over his mother's cooing is pretty creepy on your part.
khairete
S.

I agree with everyone else. I know what you're thinking: "I cannot just throw away 2 years of my life!" but honestly, things are only going to get worse with time, especially as she becomes older and more dependent of him (heck, she may even use that as her excuse to move in with you and spread her grubby fingers, inserting herself into your relationship once again). The same will happen if you get married, heck, even if he moves out. She wants control and is not willing to give it up, nor is he willing to cut the umbilical cord. I would not be surprised if he feels he cannot move out because she guilt trips him every time he mentions it. Don't even think of having kids with this man, unless you enjoy being constantly told you're a bad mother and having her raise your kids at every opportunity she gets, convincing him that mommy is best at raising the baby.

The career thing is an excuse, in my opinion, because he would otherwise ask you if he can move in with you (I am confused about this though, since you say "We spent New Years Eve at his house" and also say "he went back home" as if you two live in different places, but then mention "we need to move out" We? So which is it?). Honestly, a man who wants to grow up and become independent will find a way. I have met middle-aged men who admittedly were not very successful in life, but they still moved out. How did they pay rent? They got a roommate or two, and split the rent. They will tell you in a heartbeat that they'd rather have a roommate than to live with their parents. In reality, the woman in his life is his mother, not you, she is his number one, so let her have him!

I very, very briefly dated a guy whose mother was in every aspect of his life. I got fed up within a month. He had to ask for her approval in EVERYTHING, including his circle of friends and who he dated. Divorced women and women with kids were unacceptable, under no circumstance was he allowed to date them, nor women who did not have a post-graduate school education, like he did, so I knew staying with him meant decades of drama, fighting, going against this crotchety old woman, and said no thank you. We are still the best of friends but I will not date him or have any sort of romantic relationship with him. He is 41 and she still manages his bank account, to give you an idea of her reach. He won't put her in her place because he thinks it will hurt her feelings -- and worries she will cut him out of his inheritance too if he does so. Then he wonders why he is a bachelor still and if that's his future. I have bluntly told him yes, you will be single for life, but he seems okay with it and won't change a thing. It is what it is.

No woman will put up with a man child, and that is why your boyfriend was also single until you scooped him up. Unless you don't mind being put in second place and having mommy take precedence over you, having him always defend her, and having him never stand up to her if she gets in between you or trash talks you, then you will see this relationship for what it is and cut your losses. It is time to find yourself a real man who has his own mind. I live alone and support myself and will gladly continue staying alone if the other alternative means taking up with a man-child like your boyfriend. I've already got a kid at home, I don't need two, or drama from an intrusive MIL, no sirree. It's up to you if you want a third wheel in your relationship for the rest of your life, or if you don't want to welcome drama and a scared little boy who is a mama's boy and trembles at the thought of going against her. Think about it and choose wisely.

You didn't waste two years of your life you learned a lot about life. You learned how not to be involved with a man-child and find out what you want for yourself. Life is a learning experience and the one you had made you stronger.

Now sit down and write down what you want out of life and you will be a better person. Look for someone who wants the same things you want out of life and go from there. In the meantime, get an education and better yourself.

the other S.

PS Life is too short to hang on to a dream that is going nowhere.

How old are you guys, specifically him? In your early 20's he needs to run not walk away from you & she's probably showing him how annoying jealousy is & I believe he obviously told her all about your complaining & jealousy issues (as he should if he's young, old? Not so much.) & Id believe him when he said that she was laying it on thick on purpose while you were on the phone!

Bottom line jealousy isn't a pretty look on anyone & it gets old FAST! If you can't handle dealing with a mothers attention how ever will you survive the years of interaction with actual free available women he is bound to come in contact with?

First of all, you are not married, so she is not your mother in law. Second of all, he lives with his mother, which is not a sin, but if he tries to move out do you think she will be better? I don't. He goes along with it and I can see that this is NOT going to change. You really should evaluate whether you can tolerate this as long as she is alive and kicking. You say you are the jealous type, so it sounds like you would never get over it. I was creeped out about the jumping on him and kissing him on new year eve. That sounds way beyond normal. I would not want to be in this type of relationship. Do you have children together? If so, he needs to get his act together, marry you, and put M. on the back burner. If not, do NOT get pregnant with him until you know where you stand.

So he was a mama's boy living at home when you met him and now he's still a mama's boy living at home and you've got an issue with it? Nothing has changed other than you added a child into the mix. He's the same person you fell in love with. You're pissed because you expected him to suddenly grow up and change. Didn't happen and probably won't for a long time to come.

You need to figure out if you want to play second fiddle to his mom or move on. I vote for moving on since you seem to be at a different point in your life. He's already shown you that you will never be the first priority in his life.

Run...fast. Alone is better.

My advice is to move out asap and find a new boyfriend. I'm 45 and I have noticed that people do not change. They say they will but they never really do. You will be a lot happier long term if you are not with this man and his weird, jealous mother. He doesn't confront her about it...he goes along with it. He always will. He will always side with his mom. Go and find a better guy to spend your life with.

He is not the one for you. You will find a better match.

Consider yourself lucky. You do not want to deal with her as your MIL or as your future children's grandmother.

wow. He blocked your number! I am guessing there is a little more to the store as far as what you said or did.

Hmmmmm . . . she's not your mother in law (yet), and he lives at home? Yikes. From a mom's point of view, your kids are always your babies to some degree. But until they move out and start ACTING like adults, mom is always going to "mother" them. I am guessing you do not have kids of your own, so this may be a difficult concept for you to understand. Also, the fact that you are not talking to him speaks to your maturity level.

If you want a man/adult, then don't date someone who lives at home to "try to get their career together." There are a million single moms, many right on this board, who are raising children and working full time and not living with their mommy. "Getting a career together" is not reason to live with mom - laziness and immaturity are usually the reasons.

Good luck!

I tell my younger co-worker friends to always try to befriend the mom! Bake her some cookies, give her a cheap but useful birthday, Valentine, Christmas, Mothers Day gift--$5 gift card to Starbucks, Chick FIL A, or such. Win her over!

This is the relationship your boyfriend has with his mother, and apparently he is fine with it. Now you have to decide whether you want to stay with a guy who is a momma's boy.

You don't have a right to try to change his relationship with his mother. The point of dating is to find out if you are compatible with someone before you are stuck with them for life. If you can't handle your bf's relationship with his mom, then move on. If you decide to stay with him, then be quiet about his mom.

Yes you are too jealous. That's not cool. Based in what you wrote looks like the mother is doing and saying things to get under your skin. And it is working. She does not see you as the wife. She sees you as someone who will leave. Your boyfriend is not making easier. This kind of thing does not ever get better. It only gets worse. You need to decide if this is how you want to live. If not find another boyfriend and move on.or live with it.

RUN!!!!! And, if either of you are older than 18, you have A LOT of growing up to do.

Updated

RUN!!!!! And, if either of you are older than 18, you have A LOT of growing up to do.

Updated

RUN!!!!! And, if either of you are older than 18, you have A LOT of growing up to do.

personality clashing. if he won't grow up get a place and be away from mommy.. then you need to find some guy that has taken that step into adulthood. your current boyfriend still wants mommy to baby him and he will never change.