Other Half Won't Stand up for You

My husband is super protective of me. However he is quick to assess the situation to determine if he should step in or not. I'm pretty good at holding my own in almost every situation. I was single for a very long time so I know a lot but he never leaves me feeling like he doesn't have my back.

I also believe you didn't give enough information.

When I was dating and deciding what kind of man I wanted to be married to or date for that matter, I always knew I was going to be with the kind of man that had my back and that I did have a choice. I'm grateful it took a really long time for me to get married because my husband was worth the wait. He is everything I wanted and so much more.

Learn to say this sentence. "Is this one of those times when you get to be rude to me and I'm forced to be nice to you?"

Unless I am in physical peril my husband will not defend me, it is his personality and I have known this from the beginning. Why on earth would I expect him to change his personality just because he married me?

I suspect you married a similar man. It is not a "man's job" to protect a mouthy woman. It is not their job to be drug into a spouses drama. You create your drama that gets the rude comments, you deal with them.

I can very clearly see his side, why does she keep trying to drag me into her fights? Guys fight their own fights and they only pick them when they are willing to fight the fight.

Well looking at your other questions it seems you really don't like his kids. Perhaps work on that considering your son is 18 and got someone pregnant it doesn't sound like your kids are exactly angels either.

You don't give us enough info to give you a good answer.

I have my wife's back and she has mine, but if she is taking the fight to them and I feel she wants to fight the fight (verbal of course) I leave well enough alone unless she asks (gestures and non-verbal communication) for help.

My wife got snippy with a code enforcement officer after the code enforcement officer got snippy with her. (I was there.) It was a minor verbal cat fight. But the code enforcement officer left and them came back and wrote us a ticket because she could and had the authority, not because we were wrong. ("under color of authority", a misdemeanor) I went down to city hall and spoke with her boss because she wouldn't come out and speak to me.

Now code enforcement leaves us alone. My wife was greatful. I was surprised she felt strongly about it.

Your husband may have misread what was going on and didn't realise you wanted help. Tell him what you expected. He will probably be surprised you wanted help.

Good luck to you and yours.

As a Dad, and as a sober person struggling to maintain healthy boundaries....it would really depend on the situation.

When I wouldn't help you out, I would have it in my head that 1) you started it, 2) that using/depending on me to fight your battles is co-dependent, 3) I don't need more drama and we should both walk away or 4) if I were being honest I wouldn't agree with you anyway.

One of those four generally cover my thinking in that situation - in those times when I choose not to participate.

Unless someone is about to kick my butt, and unjustly so, my husband isn't going to get in it. It's not his personality. It takes a lot for him to get angry and worked up. He's not a wimp or a push over, but he doesn't like confrontation. Now, on the other hand, if I feel someone is getting the better of him verbally I will jump in. Why? Because that's a part of my personality.

I remember when the next door neighbor backed into our car and drove off without telling us. While he was standing there thinking how to say it without being rude, I was already out the door and knocking on theirs, running my mouth the entire way.

So no, if someone gets a little sassy my husband is not jumping in, nor do I expect him to. It would be out of character for him. I would look at him like he had three heads.

Your example really suggests that he won't defend your children when their behavior is questioned by his children. You don't really give a good description here or an age reference on your children, but my guess is that your husband's children don't think yours are well-behaved (hence the commentary as well as the insinuation that they would not raise their child they way you raised yours).

It sounds like your step children have not accepted you or your children into the family. Asking him to bridge this with his children is pretty tough. If they're old enough to be married with their own children, odds are pretty good they didn't really love the idea of a "new mom" in the picture. Talk with (not "at") your husband about how the rejection makes you feel unsupported and unaccepted into the family. Ask him why he thinks his children treat you this way and REALLY listen to the answer... you may not like what he has to say, but you need to HEAR it. You may need to adjust your own behavior a little to ease the transition.

Just a suggestion (as a DIL)... don't give advice to a new mom who doesn't ask for it, especially as the step mother-in-law. It's pretty clear that they don't love having you in the family yet, so adding your 2cents is not going to help the situation. I get along well with my MIL, but part of that is due to the fact that she doesn't overstep her boundaries unless I ask for her opinion or advice (which does happen, but we live very different lives).

my husband is extremely mellow. i'm much more volatile. he also trusts me and know i can handle myself, so i suppose there's not an expectation that i need to be protected or anything.
but the nice thing is, i know that he DOES have my back, and if he perceives something beyond merely annoying, he's there.
so no, we don't leap to each other's defense over a rude store clerk, a snotty remark from a family member, or a random discourtesy from a stranger. but when the chips are down, we're bonnie and clyde.
:) khairete
S.

Some men, and women for that matter, shun confrontation as much as possible. Sometimes it stems from a turbulent childhood.

Hi Marcela,

Have you had a conversation with him and clarified what his feelings are aobut your relationship with his kids?
It sounds like there is a significant amount of tension in those relationships. What does your other half see as your role? What do his grown kids see as your role with them?
It sounds like from your other post, that you are having some issues with his kids.
If they don't agree with some of your parenting decisions on how you raised your son John, then you offering unsolicited advice (even if they are struggling, or seemingly in need of help) will be unwanted. If they see you as meddling and overbearing, his response may be to raise his voice to you because he feels he has no other option to get you to stop. Not ideal, but I don't know the full dynamic.
In that case YOU are the one who can stop the tension.... don't offer them advice or tell them what to do.

I think it is too much for you to expect him to take YOUR side over his KIDS. His FIRST allegiance SHOULD be to his kids, not to you. If you didn't want that dynamic, you might have done better with a mate that didn't have any children. I would hope that if he got into a squirmish with your kids, that you would stand up for your kids first.
Although, you don't indicate that is what he's doing, it almost seems like he isn't taking anyone's side - which may be the most allegiance he can give you in cases where the disagreement is between his wife and his children.

Quite frankly...... if my partner indicated his expectation was that I back him in arguments he was having with my daughter, I'm not sure I would stay in the relationship -that would be a deal breaker for me. But my daughter is 11, so my partner choice reflects a desire for us to be a "family" rather than if she were already an adult and out of the house living on her own. But even after she is grown, I am still her parent and unless she does something that is completely out of line, or boarders on mentally ill... .my first priority is to her.

Also, he shouldn't be the one to confront his son's wife (in the case about your daughter and the icing). That's his son's job.... or yours since she insulted your daughter. A swift, "please don't call my child names" from you would have been in order and, quite frankly, when my mamabear claws come out - EVERYONE had better run, partner included.
But obviously, his family doesn't seem to think much of you, warranted or not. THAT would be what I would focus on. Trying to correc the perception that they don't want to raise their kids the same way you raised yours. That's a bit harsh, but I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing, is my point.

I would urge you to have a conversation with your other half about what his expectations are.... what your expectations are.... and how you might be able to close the gap. It sounds like you don't have the same expectations, which will lead to disappointment for both of you.

Good Luck

Well, my response would depend on whether or not you even attempt to defend yourself and how successful you are at it. I would also need to know if you ASK him to step up for you.

I'm usually pretty competent at defending myself and most of the time don't need my husband to say anything. If I need him to say something and back me up, he's good at knowing when to step in or doing so when I ask him to step in. There are a lot of dynamics at play, but I figure that I'm an adult that can take care of myself. My husband is generally pretty fabulous but I don't need him to be a white knight when it comes to our families. If I can't stand up to his family then that says more about me than it does about him (in our specific situation; we've been together 19 years or so, married nearly 14).

Well, I'd have to agree with 8kidsdad in that you need to discuss how these examples make you feel with your guy, in the most non-accusatory way you can muster.

I have run into something like this, and when I questioned when he wasn't 'on my side' he was heart broken to hear I felt that way. I am a strong intelligent woman, he did not want to 'overstep'. He did not think I would WANT him to step in.

However, asking him to defend YOU against his own SON is a pretty tall order. I am not sure you can win that game, you may need to re-evaluate your expectations there. I would never put my guy in that situation.

:)

would depend on my situation. My husband is normally the mouthy one, I am the goofy one. However, I dont sit and be very quite when there is something going on I dont agree with. He usually is ANGRY with me if I get into confrontation infront of him. UNLESS its for a very good reason, and I argue and yell in a intelligent manner. He will not back me up, unless a man is getting too irate or pushy with me or him. I never back him up, and though I would like too, he is a kind of man that absolutely does not like a woman getting into his business for anything. So I bow out unless I have to call 911. Though this happening is so far and few in between I cant say for sure what would happen if someone assaulted me. I usually use sarcasm and big words to scare the people I am yelling at, and it confuses or bothers them. Generally they back down very quickly. I think only one instance he stepped in only to shield me from an irate woman who tried to blame me for hitting her with my car door (think she was one of those insurance scammers) when it was obvious I had not. After letting her have it, I ticked her off and she was getting a little too close for comfort.

I guess it depends on what happened. There really isn't enough information to answer the question.

It could be your other half was shell-shocked with the outburst and was like a fish out of water.

Sometimes when people are rude - there really is NO POINT in being rude back or saying anything back as it will only make them madder. We have people like that on here. So just sit back and let them make a fool of themselves.

As to yelling at you? I know my husband would say - there's no reason to yell. You are an adult - act like one.

I know my husband has my back (and front too!!). Have there been times he's dropped the ball. Yep. Not often. But yep. As have I. It happens. If it's a common occurrence then he may not love you as much as you love him.

Marcela - I don't understand your example at all.
But, my husband has got my back. I don't have to worry about a stranger saying anything out of line when he is around because he will rearrange their face. In fact, I worry more about the husband then I do about the stranger.
However, when it's family things he will be quiet. Especially if it is MY family. Same for me. I don't speak much about what is going on in his family. I am not some kind of walflower that doesn't know how to defend myself and he will just sit there and let me do my thing with my family. Which, if I think about it, there really hasn't been any issues with my or his family.
It's the strangers that have to watch out.
L.

My husband is the exact same way. I am pretty good at handling myself, so he just lets me. But, part of me wishes he would come and back me up.
I do understand if it is another woman where he would feel uncomfortable getting involved. If two women are in a heated exchange, that's one thing. If a man gets involved in turns into something else.

Now, if a guy was yelling at me, then yeah I would expect some back up. My husband is the most non confrontational person on the face of the planet, though. When we first started dating his grandmother and aunt used to bad mouth me behind my back all the time, and he never said a word. That pissed me off more than anything.

He's being very disrespectful. Yes he should have your back.
No wonder his kids feel like it's OK to be disrespectful to you as well--he's modeling that type of behavior.
Have you talked to him about it? If so and it continues, then you know where you stand in the pecking order....I don't know the answer. Family counseling perhaps?

Sometimes "loving someone to death" is not enough...especially in a blended family where you have children from a previous marriage and so does does your new husband.

However, if you are in a restaurant, while I would not say something as rude as "you are a spoiled brat", I would NOT let a child scrape a cake box. If this is a MUST for your child, take the box home and let her have at it.

You may have selected the WRONG "other half", if you don't have a man that will stand by you and your children.

I would talk to him in private about how you need him to support you and not make you be the bad guy all the time. There may also be times when he feels like you've said enough so he doesn't have to. You won't know unless you talk to him. "DH, I feel like...when....and I would like it if...." He may also feel like it's not his place to defend your daughter. OR maybe his son and DIL are just rude people and you should just expect this sort of thing when you see them. Could it be more them and their attitudes than a problem with DH? Maybe he doesn't take it so personally.

My AIL (I call her my aunt-in-law because she annoys me) thinks she's ALWAYS right. She gets into everybody's business. She can't even let my DD have crooked hair and insisted on fixing it at a 2 yr old's party where the kids were playing hard. Everybody just rolls their eyes because she's annoying. When DD gets older, I'm going to teach her how to respond to AIL's digs at her or my parenting. I will also speak up to AIL if what she says is really out of line. But that's all me and AIL, not me and DH and AIL. Are you feeling unsupported in general in your marriage? Then you need to communicate with your DH.