My 5 Yr Old Stepson

If he has a chromosome disorder that can be evaluated and professionally diagnosed, then he should be seen by a geneticist, he should have a thorough medical evaluation with specialists, he should have an IEP or 504 plan with the school and a medication review. All involved adults (foster mother, step-mother, biological parents, teachers, school special needs staff) should be informed to the amount allowed by law about how his disability affects him, and should agree on how to help this child. To say that you don't know how his chromosome disorder affects him, yet you are responsible for raising him, is alarming. If you are not allowed by law to be told about his disability, then a much larger problem than homework exists. Everyone needs to be in counseling with a psychiatrist who understands medical conditions and step/foster parenting and who can help this child to have someone advocating for him, and to have everyone helping him in a coordinated and cooperative way.

He has ADD. Having been in a foster family, he's also going to have adoption-type issues. So....what you did with your presumably neuro-typical bio-kids won't work.

Cause and effect is lost on him because of his ADD. So to him, you just seem mean. Rewards DO work with ADD, which may be what his Dad is going for. And tantrums like you describe are par for the course for non-infant adoption adoptees.

He needs structure. Only take things away for safety, whenever possible. You CAN take away things like the State Fair, but I would not take away his trip to former foster Mom. SOME things needs to be "safe" - no matter what.

I suggest reading both ADD and adoptee parenting books. What you know from experience won't work with him. He had a tough start and his brain is wired differently. For homework, provide some incentive - some privilege that he can earn or not earn. Punishment is likely to backfire at this point, but the reward system IS a form of discipline (don't do your homework? don't get the reward)

Be cautious trying approaches that are meant for neuro-typical kids that only ever had one family. And good luck!

I'm a stepchild and a mother to 3 including a child with Autism, a child that is a "slow learner" and a child who is exceptionally bright. Just to give you a frame of reference for where my thoughts are coming. First, I want to say...thank you for trying so hard to be an amazing stepmom. Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs, being a stepparent is a million times harder.

1. Regardless of whether you have a blended family or not...Dad needs to step it up. His behavior is the first order of business. You can not expect this poor child to be well behaved if your husband isn't acting like a grownup.

2. I agree with the other advice that the stepparent should not be the handing out the discipline. However, it sounds like you may be the primary care giver and obviously that person needs to be able to set and maintain boundaries. If you are the one home and dad is away this admidtly going to be very hard.

3. His medical issues are probably contributing to his behavior. How much is hard to say is based on medical conditions vs dad and trauma (not sure what the situation is with biomom but certain this has caused this child issues). ADD - cut out the sugar and the food dyes. He has a lot to deal with and yet he still need boundaries. Research sensory diet this should help with his ADD. He probably needs lots of physical input.

4. I believe time out should not include restraining a child. This is only increasing the friction. He can go to his room. So what if he is screaming for 30 or 60 minutes? Close the door. Go to another area of the house. When he wears himself out he will calm down and usually submission will follow. Sometimes they need to get the frustration out and then compliance follows. After a while they stop the fits when they realize there is NO REACTION just go to your room for your fit.

5. This is a child with medical issues and trauma from whatever biomom and dad put him through. Please please be his advocate. Advocate for him at school and in the medical community. Research get him help. Look into therapies. Continue to give him lots and lots of love. Don't compare him to your typical children. Maybe homework isn't something you work on right now. Maybe just back up. This is a child with ADD and a chromosal disorder. School is probably very stressful. Maybe after dad get himself in order you guys can focus instead on behavior and getting him the inputs and activities he needs. Kindergarten isn't that critical.

Hugs,
An Austim Mom

Updated

I'm a stepchild and a mother to 3 including a child with Autism, a child that is a "slow learner" and a child who is exceptionally bright. Just to give you a frame of reference for where my thoughts are coming. First, I want to say...thank you for trying so hard to be an amazing stepmom. Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs, being a stepparent is a million times harder.

1. Regardless of whether you have a blended family or not...Dad needs to step it up. His behavior is the first order of business. You can not expect this poor child to be well behaved if your husband isn't acting like a grownup.

2. I agree with the other advice that the stepparent should not be the handing out the discipline. However, it sounds like you may be the primary care giver and obviously that person needs to be able to set and maintain boundaries. If you are the one home and dad is away this admidtly going to be very hard.

3. His medical issues are probably contributing to his behavior. How much is hard to say is based on medical conditions vs dad and trauma (not sure what the situation is with biomom but certain this has caused this child issues). ADD - cut out the sugar and the food dyes. He has a lot to deal with and yet he still need boundaries. Research sensory diet this should help with his ADD. He probably needs lots of physical input.

4. I believe time out should not include restraining a child. This is only increasing the friction. He can go to his room. So what if he is screaming for 30 or 60 minutes? Close the door. Go to another area of the house. When he wears himself out he will calm down and usually submission will follow. Sometimes they need to get the frustration out and then compliance follows. After a while they stop the fits when they realize there is NO REACTION just go to your room for your fit.

5. This is a child with medical issues and trauma from whatever biomom and dad put him through. Please please be his advocate. Advocate for him at school and in the medical community. Research get him help. Look into therapies. Continue to give him lots and lots of love. Don't compare him to your typical children. Maybe homework isn't something you work on right now. Maybe just back up. This is a child with ADD and a chromosal disorder. School is probably very stressful. Maybe after dad get himself in order you guys can focus instead on behavior and getting him the inputs and activities he needs. Kindergarten isn't that critical.

Hugs,
An Austim Mom

I think you need to see the psychologist separately from your step son. It sounds like your frustration is turning into resentment. I think it would benefit your family greatly to see the psychologist in addition to your stepson's visits.

Dad needs to get A LOT more involved.

Why doesn't he have an IEP?
You need to communicate with the teacher.

Emotions develop before intelligence. Please take a look at a child development book. You and your husband should be able to understand that he may have missed most of the emotional/developmental milestones his first 3 years. Why was he removed from his mother?

He may be 5 to chronologically, but emotionally he may be two. Start gently at that level. Lots of soothing, hugs, kisses, and gentle limit setting.

If you feel the need to do homework, why not try the morning? Or try it for 5 minutes, one question at a time. Make it a game that he can win, "Joey, look at this sheet of paper...where is that letter j? Do you think you can help me find it? Hmm where is that letter j? Good job!" then stop with the homework.

Perhaps his foster mother can come over a few days a week so you can learn her techniques? Or get support ? Please be patient, he has had emotional trauma along with his medical issues.

Best of luck to you

I think the critical learning part in life has to be put on hold while you let him know he is loved and cared about. And previous foster Mama might be helpful in indicating what you can do. You are lucky you didn't have previous issues with all of your children. This is now new territory and you can tread lightly. This homework thing, Omgoodness. He is a little boy. And if he has the possibilty of other disorders, well, time in my life I'd think to do some homework. Talk to the teacher constantly. And find out about how to work with those conditions. He is clearly angry about a lot of things. Maybe sometimes getting exhausted trying to figure it out is not the same as spending that time holding him til he knows how he is loved and wanted. Not sure but give it a try.

Hi D.,

First the biological father and you need to take him to the clinic and find out as much as you can about his chromosome disorder and how it is affecting him. The more info you can find out about this the better you will be able to understand where he is coming from.

Second, his ADD will cause violent outbursts if not handled properly, even seasoned Moms that have children with ADD deal with this. This is not his fault and he can't help what is going on in his brain. Meeting with the school and getting an IEP is crucial. My son has ADHD, I know they are different learning g disorders but a lot of the symptoms are the same. I had an IEP put in place in kindergarten due to outbursts and difficulties staying on task, so I can empathize with you. Stay in communication with his teacher and see if he is having outbursts at school as well. If he is, what is the teacher doing to approach this? What is and is not working?

Third, spanking a child with these disorders as well as emotional issues from being with a foster family will not work. It will only damage him more and make him resent you. Putting a reward system in place for the small milestones he makes will go far! I'm not telling you to accept the bad behavior, not at all..we all need to teach accountability to children, but spanking him is not the answer in this situation...I understand the stress that comes from fighting with a child. It is especially stressful because you are only trying to help him get on the right path, then you get things thrown at you or you get kicked. Best thing is to cut out the restraining and spanking and replace it with an understanding hug and talk. He needs love, that is the most crucial learning experience for him right now, not homework.

Fourth, do not attempt to get him to do his homework when he gets off of the bus. Give it about 45 mins to an hour and let him have some control of the situation by asking him what he would like you to help him with first. He needs to feel secure and like he is in control of something. Approaching it like this will do that. If he will not do his homework, don't let it become a battle. If he has an IEP, which should be no problem, his teacher will let him work on his homework the next day...it might be during recess, but that's a consequence he will have to live with if he refuses.

Most importantly, research as much as you can about his illnesses and give him love! That's what this child is screaming for, trust me.

Good luck!

My DD had a page of HW to do nightly, so kindergarten HW is not out of hte question, IMO.

If he is being treated for ADD and the medication is not fully working, you and his father need to go back to whoever prescribed that and talk to them. You may also need to see a counselor or further information because it may be that what worked for your kids will not work for him and you need to change your behaviors accordingly. If time out is not working, you must have more tools in your toolbox. Where is his father in all this and what is the situation with his mother?

Actually, reading your SWH, I think you need to seek family counseling. He's been taken from his birthmother, and also lost his foster mother (please do NOT use loss of visits as a punishment!) and now he's acting out - GO FIGURE! Please seek additional help. You are dealing with much more than simply an unruly child. You have much more going on here than simply a kid trying to mess with you. Please take your husband and get informed so you can all manage his conditions and behavior more effectively. I also agree to talk to the school. They need to know his story. This isn't a matter of punishments. You need to look at it as "how do we help this child?" He needs someone to see and understand his big picture.

If this is real, stop disciplining him so much. He's only 5. And his school should not be giving him all this homework, which is causing problems at home. Find a school that is age appropriate and doesn't believe in giving kids busywork.

If he was in foster care, no matter how good they were, I'm not surprised he has issues. Stop taking everything away and focus on positive reinforcement.

You and your husband need to work with a professional so that you have a clear understanding of what he is and isn't capable of doing, and this will help lay the groundwork for an IEP or accommodation plan at school based on reasonable expectations for his abilities.

Stop the homework battle immediately. There is no reason for a 5 year old to have homework - what a stupid, pointless, waste of time exercise. So don't participate in it. Meet with his teacher, and a school psychologist if necessary, and explain that you and your husband are working with his doctors to figure things out but in the meantime, he cannot and will not be doing homework.

Stop spanking him. He has developmental and cognitive issues, not behavioral issues. You can't whack self control and compliance into a kid whose wiring isn't working.

Taking away visits with a prior caregiver is just cruel. Don't put a critical, positive relationship like that on the table as part of his behavioral plan. That's just wrong.

You - and your husband - need to better understand his needs and capabilities. He is not like your other kids, so don't expect the things that worked for them to work for him. You have to basically start over with a totally blank canvas in learning how to parent (step-parent) a child who is not neuro-typical.

Good luck to all of you, especially this poor boy. It sounds like he has had a lot of instability in his life. I think that with the help of a family counselor who really understands his issues, you and your husband will be better equipped to help him live a happy, healthy, safe and productive life.

My granddaughter has ADHD. Her teachers worked with her mother to modify homework requirements all thru the primary grades.

My grandson has ADHD, sensory processing disorders, apraxia of speech and is on the autism spectrum. It took years to reach those diagnosis and we're still working to learn how to manage them. Rage is one of his systems. We learned the hard way that insisting he do something never worked. Gradually, with the help of specialists we are better able to manage.

I suggest that you stop trying to get him to do his homework. Let the teacher know what is happening. Kindergarten work is not a critical academic learning time for him. What is critical is getting diagnosis and trearment.

You have set a pattern resulting in continual power struggles. He will always win. So stop requiring homework by telling him to do it. Stop altogether so you can develop a new pattern later.

In a couple of weeks you could try sitting down with him to do something fun together. Perhaps watch a tv program together or read a story. Gradually work in some homework by you asking him questions. Then you write down answers. Then you sit down with him and calmly bring him back on track with the homewrk. Make homework fun. Bothe grandchildren's teachers said to start out with requiring only 5 minutes of time. When 5 minutes are up, stop doing homework. Build up to 10. Their teachers also said if they weren't able to settle down to homework to spend that 20-30 minutes reading to them; that reading is just as good as assigned homework.

I suggest that you will have more success with discipline if you learn a different discipline style. You won't have success with expecting him to just do what you say. He needs you to help him in a good natured way. At 11, my grandson still needs help staying focused. When I'm irritated or even just not focused myself he often has difficulty when out of the routine.

I recommend reading Love And Logic by Foster Cline for discipline ideas. They have a very good website too. 1-2-3 Magic is a simple method with which it's easy to maintain consistency.

Raising your stepson will be the toughest job you've ever had. Being a cop was easier for me because I had a firm base of beliefs from which to work. A child with ADHD and learning delays is an unknown. Everyone, including the experts, is learning. There are no easy answers. As a cop I could arrest to stop "behavior," Time outs rarely work.

My grandson's parents and I did find that sending him to his room to calm down came to be the most useful thing to do. We had to take him there and not let him out until he learned to go and stay by himself. Now he sends himself there. I can write much more if you'd like more info. Just let me know.

Realize his mind doesn't work the same way as a neurotypical chid's does. And for your stepson moving from what he knows with Mommy Anna's is more diffucult for him than another child. He needs a consistent hand but not as firm a one as you describe and to hear a lot of compassion. Loving words 10x more often than correcting words. Pare down your expectations. What did you and his dad do to help him go to sleep? This little boy needs a lot of support. So do you! He makes you angry. Naturally you get angry. And it becomes a vicious circle.

And only provide discipline that does not punish you. You also missed the fair. When you deprive yourself you will become more angry. Take good care of you!

How did he behave at Mommy Anna's? What worked for her.

Seriously? Kindergartners should NOT have homework. Good grief! Kids need a break after being in school for 8 hours.

He can do homework after dinner. But seriously, his teacher needs to be told he's in kindergarten and not high school or college.

Also, so many teachers are realizing that kids that do homework make lower test scores than kids that do NO homework at all. The research is showing more and more proof that homework isn't good for elementary school kids.

Have you thought to ask Mommy Anna what she did or for suggestions? She knows this kid probably better than you do - she may know what his "currency" is. That's what you need to do - find what is important to him, his currency, and then use that to try to gain his compliance.

I do agree that you should give him a bit of time after school before homework. Mine get about 30 minutes before homework is started. You don't want to give so much time that they are now in "play" mode, but they do need a break. Sitting at the table with you talking about his day while he has a snack would be good for both of you and your relationship. Or, you could do a short walk and talk before homework. Just something where you are spending some time talking about him and his world.

OnePerfectOne- why do you think she is a troll?

5 year old with homework? And you are making him do it right after he gets home from school? Can't speak for every tantrum, but this one is your fault, not his. Try letting him unwind and get a snack. School is rough for kids, especially the first few weeks! Or, you can forget about the homework...really won't ruin his life at this point.

Talk to the school. My son has ADHD and my daughter ADD and Asperger's. They pretty much were DONE when they got home. My daughter has an IEP in place that makes modifications to work so she can stay with the class and keep up. One of her modifications was minimal homework. Each year I have told the teachers that if she understands it in class, then she doesn't need "practice" at home and they agreed. So while you are evaluating him, maybe see what options there are at school to only give him what is absolutely necessary. And make sure you have a VERY stick schedule for him and stick to it. I have done that with mine since they were in K and now they are 14 and 11 and are on the same basic schedule. It's just easier for everyone. Good luck.

Many schools have homework packets at this age/grade level.

I let my son do the homework on Saturday and maybe 2 other nights a week.

How is the bus ride? He could be overwhelmed on the bus at this age. It is a long day. Maybe pick him up 2 days a week?

You've gotten some great advice already, so I won't try to recap it. But here are some general principles.

The concept of discipline assumes that a child CAN do something but for some reason WON'T. And it needs to have evidence behind it, e.g., you've seen the child do that thing, 10 or 12 times before, but now he/she is testing boundaries. That doesn't sound like what you're dealing with. It sounds like you want him to do something he's never done, ever, before. You want to discipline/punish him until he teaches himself a skill he doesn't have. Sorry, but that doesn't work. And, please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but you need to discipline *yourself* into recognizing that reality.

The other general principle is that children (and adults too) respond much more to incentives than disincentives. They'll do much more to earn a reward than to avoid a punishment. This is true of most living creatures, not just humans.

So, where does all that leave you? Take a look at all the things your stepson is not now doing, that you want him to do. Out of all of them, pick the very easiest one: the lowest-hanging fruit. Now, figure out a very simple, doable incentive: something you can deliver as soon as he does whatever it is. And, put all your effort into encouraging that one thing. Don't punish him for not doing it yet, encourage him to try doing it for the first time. And when he does, deliver the incentive right away AND praise him to the sun and the moon and the stars. Make a ridiculously huge deal out of it. That will be the beginning of relationship where he wants to please you -- which it doesn't sound like you've got yet. But, concentrate on one thing at a time, and deliver 4 parts incentive for every 1 part punishment.

This isn't to say that there's no place for punishments. Of course there are. But punishments are FOR something specific. They're for when a child basically says, "Let's see. Do the rules really apply? Are they real? Or can I get away with a whole lot more?" A punishment says, "Yup, kid. The rules are real." But it serves to get a child to keep on the good path he/she was already on, not to figure out how to do something the first time around.

Finally, if your stepson has a disability, do you qualify for respite care? Or, even if you don't, can you just get a decent sitter once in a while? You sound frustrated, which is very human and understandable, but you (and your stepson) might benefit if you got away a little bit, and took some time to clear your head.

What university does your five-year-old attend?
Troll.