Step Parenting - I Need a Boost of Confidence!

"2 great kids, and 2.....stepkids." I'm a "stepkid" and I speak from experience. There's nothing worse than feeling second best. I think the posts from people who have the experience of being stepchildren are right on. We didn't choose to be in this situation, but you did.

M. C:

The advice given to you was wrong however, I need more information regarding the age of the child and why the child had to move in with you and her half siblings in the first place. These variables would give me insight as to the advice you need.

For example, if the child moved in because they needed to be monitored because of discipline issues at home and school and the mom couldn't take it anymore OR because she/he was getting into trouble with the law or the mom put her out etc.

I e-mailed your question(s) to my sister who happens to have been in your shoes twice. Once with a boyfriend of hers who had 2 children of his own. The oldest child dispised my sister from the first moment they met. The eventually moved intogether and there were many ups and downs, more downs than ups, but as the years have gone by, their relationship got stronger and stronger. My sister eventually left her boyfriend (their dad) and is now married to a guy who has 2 sons. The youngest is the more difficult child this time. In both situations, I recall my sister telling me that she sat down with the kids and explained that she's not trying to take the place of their mother and that she will never be their mother, but at the same time, she is an adult and they must respect that. I believe in both situations, once my sister explained that to them, they got better, more or less, they calmed down. She never spoke badly about thier mother, expecially in front of the children. It was tough on her and I felt sorry for what she was going thru. But, ironically, she stays in contact with her ex-boyfriend's daughters and they now call her mom. When she married her husband, the girls were actually part of their wedding and are viewed as her daughters. They have come a very long way, but in the end, my sister will agree, it was worth every fight to get there.

This is what she has to say:

Not to add further shock to the system but this is a time of adjustment to all of your lives. Bending over backwards to pacify a new child in your home is only asking for trouble; and the longer you bend to the will of one child the longer it will take each of you to recover in the long run. Children are children and should not dictate the running’s of your home. They should be given love, support, structure and guidance not the keys to the thrown, that they can have when they get a place of their own.

If you give a new child the authority to do as they please, obey no house rules and outwardly have no respect for your position within the home this I guarantee will eat away at the very foundation of your home and family and it will eventually chip away at the faith your other children have grown to count on in you, eventually leading to your own self doubt and diminished self esteem.

We all must adapt our behavior to whatever environment we are placed in whether it be in church, school, a water park or playground; such is the same when we enter the home of others. Some homes you must remove your shoes when entering, use inside voices and only eat at a table, where other homes are much more relaxed an environment. The rules and workings in the birth-mother’s house are different than the rules in your home and as such they should be clearly explained in a language the child can understand. You can be more lenient as the child adapts to the new home environment such as an earlier bedtime, bath schedule, phone and TV time etc, as you and your husband see fit. In the beginning I would leave the discipline of the new child up to your husband until a bond is built between you all. And most importantly keep a united front at all times between you and your husband in front of the child. A child is expected to immediately respect and follow the rules of new teachers every year and that is what you have become a new teacher with the potential of becoming so very much more. This should be the minimum starting point between you.

Another piece of advice is to make sure the child and father spend quality alone time (even if it’s only 1 hour a week) especially in the first year in the new home. It would also be extremely beneficial if you could spend some quality alone time with the new child every week, cooking, gardening, shopping, building a tree swing together or wherever your talents lie. Find something the child has a natural interest in and helping you while learning a new skill will help build a bridge between you (and you may find that this is the only time the child listens intently).

You have along road ahead of you but stand your ground your instincts are correct. Have a frank discussion with your husband about what your ideal home situation will look like and what you can both do to get there, I’m sure both of your dreams are not too far apart.

Good luck!

M., Please have patience. Step parenting is hard but your patience and understanding will pay off I promise. My stepdaughter and I have a fanstastic relationship now even though we had our moments in the past. I couldn't imagine a day without my (now big) little girl :)

Be strong.

Hi M.,
I am not a step parent, but I was a step child, both my mom and dad had remarried by the time I was 10, so I can give you insight to what a young lady of a divorce is dealing with. Your step kids went from being the only children of a broken, but, normal to them, family where they knew that they were top priority to their parents. Now they are second rate all around. Second to jobs, divorce fights, step parent's kids, step parents, dating?, money issues, it sucks. A divorce takes every aspect of what a child thought was reality and turns it upside down. They have nothing, no identity, no advocates, and a lot of anger. So naturally, a great deal of that anger is directed at a step parent who is stealing their dad's time and favoring her own children.

Look at your description, " w/ two great kids and 2 step kids" Your step kids aren't great I guess. And I am sure that if I picked up on that simple description distinction in your feelings toward the step kids they feel it too. I am not condemning, I just noticed that as soon as I read your post.

What your counselor said is only half right. You do need to step back, but you have every right to have rules and boundaries but you must also realize that your step child is living by at least three different sets of rules now-Dads, yours and moms. That is impossible and insights rebellion, not to be disrespectful, but simply as a self-defense for self -preservation. More than anything your step child needs an advocate. She doesn't need another parent to tell her what to do, she needs someone to understand how difficult her life has become and cut her some slack.

I suggest leveling with her. Tell her how you understand how hard it must be for her to live with so many rules, and how difficult it must be to always feel like the third wheel, second to everyone, and together just you and her, come up with some ideas to make the situation livable. Pick some ground rules you both can live with. For instance, she will be much more likely to respect you and your rules if she sees you being fair.

There is nothing harder than seeing some other child hurt your child, but as much as your instincts tell you to protect your child and come to their defense or aid-you have to learn to be equal handed in your discipline with a step child, give her the benefit of the doubt and even if she explodes and storms off, give her space and then talk it through.

As difficult as it is you are now a female role model in her life, if you can learn to respect her and reach out to her, you will help her heal from the divorce much faster and you will keep your husband from being stuck in the role of mediator or judge and jury, having to chose between you or his child as far as who is right or wrong (a losing situation for everyone).

Don't expect her to love you or treat you like she loves you, but tell her that you want to earn her respect (remember no one gives someone else respect automatically respect is earned by being consistent and fair and kind). Tell her that you will listen if she needs someone to talk to, tell her you will do your best to treat her as an equal member of the family, and that you value her feelings and opinions, when she shares them appropriately. Make PEACE the central model for the home and remind your family to strive toward maintaining peace.

This means that you too will have sacrifices and concessions to make. Decide what is best-pointing out that your step child's room is messier than your child's room or offering to clean it together and helping by purchasing some organizational bins or storage containers. Decide what is best pointing out that your children like a particular food so everyone should eat it, or asking your step child what meals they like and including them in your families meals.

Being a step mom is probably the hardest role any woman will play. It requires sacrifice, the will to go against your own instincts at times, a well of understanding and patience that few saints can master, and the willingness to completely let go of how your life used to be, because that no longer matters, you are in a new marriage and that requires new rules and new attitudes. Clinging to how things used to be will only foster resentment toward the sources of the change (the step kids) which isn't fair-you said "yes" your step child had no control over the situation at all.

Deep down all children desire is for acceptance and even when they begin to see it they will test it-accept that your step child is in your house now and that the old life is gone, but it is NOT your step child's fault, so if you are, stop pointing out to them how things were better, different, more peaceful, when they weren't there. Things were more peaceful, different and you had more freedom when you didn't have you other children, but I doubt that you would ever hold that against them, so don't hold it against your step child.

I don't know if that helps much, because the truth is that as the adult, the responsibility for setting the tone of the household is on your shoulders. You can have peace, but you have to work hard for it.

Good Luck-also consider seeing a counselor that actually deals with blended families, because, I can't believe anyone would expect a step parent to just surrender completely to the whims of a child.

Sincerely,
J.

It's not easy to be a step-child or step-parent. One thing I noticed in your message is that you refer to your family as : 2 great kids and 2 step kids. That pretty much says it all. I'm sure your step kids feel the distinction you so clearly make. Try to find the balance between running your household and being flexible to all the children in your family. Creating 'us vs them' isn't healthy for anyone. You can make changes to make your whole family work together - good luck!

This is always a very tough situation and one that can only work if you and hubby work very closely together. I agree with other posts that the divorce and the adjustments required for the children are overwhelming. You have to take all that into account, while still keeping in mind that you need to develop into a new cohesive family. Dad needs to do his part with his kids, and you do your part with yours. The two of you should work behind the scenes together to see that you both agree. When you don't you'd better learn to COMPROMISE. And I do think it might be helpful to stop referring to them as stepkids, which is kinda alienating. My husband, a step parent never refers to our son as his stepson; I think that would make my son very sad, and feel that he is "lesser" somehow.

First of all let me say, my heart goes out to you. I am step-mother to an 18 year old. His father and I have been together since he was 3 years old. He came to live with us when he was 13 1/2 and he turned out home upside down. He came from a home with NO RULES at all. He was disrespectful, lazy, he did horribly in school, he stole from our home and all of this was in spite of pouring more love on him than he had ever known in life. (His mom never wanted him, and never stopped reminding him of that in word and in action) We had to work through a lot of distrust and anger in him.

I can say that first and foremost if you and your husband are not on the same page, it will never work. You didn't mention what stand he has taken in the situation. You may never be called "mom", but you have a RIGHT to be respected by anyone in your home. Anyone telling you that you have no authority needs their head examined! It's your home and you are a parent. You may want to talk to another counselor, and definitely you & hubby need to sit down and come up with a way to approach the problem TOGETHER. I can't stress enough that if there is not a united front that your step-daughter will tear you guys apart. Be very honest about how her behavior makes you feel and what you expect of her in your home. And you have to be realistic about how she is feeling, and how those feelings will manifest in her behavior.

What got us thru the years of hell with my stepson was being on one accord. He finally had to leave our home and go back to living with his mother, but we never could have survived had we not taken the same stand. (leaving was his decision. He couldn't stand to live with parents who cared what he did & what happened to him. He had become accustomed to being ignored and that's what he preferred because it meant he could do anything he wanted)

I truly wish you the best. Caring for and living w/ someone else's child is not easy in itself. To be disrespected or mistreated in any way, makes it just about unbearable! Good luck M..

The step child likely feels the same way. Divorce is so very emotionally hard on children. Their world is thrown upside down and through no fault of their own. It can likely lead to some strong resistance to change. Stepping back and reviewing what is essential versus preferred is a good idea. For things that are neither a health nor a safety issue, I would suggest you really consider whether you need to enforce it. The book "How to talk to your children so they will listen" is great for a whole host of reasons whether for a family going through stress or just trying to live a communications friendly life. "Unconditional Parenting" is also another great read. I find myself at times wanting to go down a path because it is the path I know and mirrors my prior experiences and yet it doesn't have to be that path. Expressing how you feel without using any adjectives to describe others is a great skill. Change is indeed hard. Good Luck.

M.,

I was a step parent to 3 kids-2 girls and one boy. The youngest girl came to live with us because she and her mom just could not get along.
I had a son of my own that was the same as my step daughter.
She came from a situation where there was little parental control from her mom and very little oversight or guidance of what any of the kids did or where they went. They had pretty much free rule with the mom.
When I agreed to have her live with us, and I did feel it was the best decision for her, it was made clear from the get go that there were house rules and that she was expected to live by them. She was coming into my home and needed to understand that my rules were the rules to live by.
I was fortunate that her dad, my husband, was good with that and that we could present a united front.
You absolutely need her father to agree that the rules you've established are the house rules snd that she must live by them. What rules she came from isn't the question-they obviously didn't work for her, did they? If they had, she would be with her mom. And as long as all of the kids have the same set of rules then in your home it should be what you feel is best. But it is critcal your husband is on the same page with you and makes it clear she can't play the one of you against one another.

L.

Whenever a new child - whether step child or you give birth to a child, requires you to change your habits at first. It is going to take some time for the new one to get used to the way things go. But eventually everyone settles into their grove and you can be more stern on the houserules. It is a great thing to welcome a stepchild into your life, and even though it may seem hard now, it will all be worth it in the end. I had my two stepkids before I even had my biological children, and it isn't always easy, but I still love them and I believe they love me, too.

I was a child with two stepmothers. I never asked for or wanted more moms and never will. I agree with your therapist, because I didn't care what my stepmother thought...she is the outsider not me! The father is the only person who should step in, not you. You are the adult...act like it and step aside. You chose to have this life with your husband, and you should have talked about it before getting married. The child did not have any choice... she or he just had to accept it. Not all families are the "Brady Bunch". Now, this is probably what your step-child feels like. Harsh, but the truth. The road you are going, you probably will end the marriage. It takes years to have a relationship with the step-children, do not push or rush it. Eventually, the tension goes away and then you become the family you have invisioned. With your attitude now, was like my first step-mother and eventually my father got rid of her! My second step-mother never pushed and eventually we have a great relationship. My dad and her are now married 20 years, and my kids call her grandma. So there is light at the end of the tunnel...Quit complaining, be tough or let the kids get to you. Most important treat them as if they were your own. Eventually they will return the love.

In regards to the other M.: me, me, me gets you in trouble. Let her father handle it, you can join in family discussions, but if you push and complain the child will keep pushing buttons. Stepmothers who did not come from divorce families do not understand how the child feels.

Your counselor is nuts. Your home, your rules. Get it straight. Find another conselor for your own good. You are not "just a step-parent". You are the owner of the house and the wife to her father. Sheesh, no wonder kids don't get the support they need.

Hi M.,
I was just wondering if you addressed this issue with your husband? If he talks to the child about the disrespect and explain to the child that in this house you WILL abide by "our" rules and you will not disrespect anyone in this household, I believe once the child sees dad step in she will see that you all are a team and have a bond and the child will also see that she can't break that bond. I too have a stepson which was an only child until my husband and I got married he to inherited 3 sisters and 1 brother and I can just imagine how he felt however I let it be known coming through the door that no one in our household is to disrespect or be disobedient without suffering some type of consequence and my husband stood behind my decision. Whenthe kids saw this (mine and his) they knew they could not mess with us.My stepson and I have a better relationship now than he does with his own mom.Hope this helps.Good Luck

Divorce families are always very trying. What youreally need to do is to talk to your husband and have him talk to his child!!!! He needs to be the one to enforce all rules with his child. and insist on his child to have respect for the WHOLE!! household. ANd that there are consequences for the improper behavior. Maybe check out a book from the library about blended families. Maybe that would help.

It is very important that you make it clear to your husband that everything the older child does the younger children see and good or bad it is being a example for them. And explain that you do not want to have to go through such trying time with your other children!!
Pray to God for guidance and patience

I think you and your husband need to sit down and have this discussing and share with him your feeling. Both of you all are the adults and you all set the rules & regulations in your home. There is groundrules that you two have make sure is followed, have a round table discussion with you all two children and his two children let them know what you all expect and that is what you all have to decided together and he has to back you up. You shouldn't have to step back because this is the way of there custom, no that not how this should work, they've come into both of you'll home that has been run a certain way for ten years and this I know children adapt better than adults, we've to remind them from time to time who is the parent. I imagine it's just decent manners, you are wanting from them and if they didn't learn it at home, no greater time than now,it willn't hurt them, they will properly grow up and respect you and let them know that you're not a stepmother but you are a mother that will step up and help support and raise them with love, peace and happiness. But everyone has to respect each other. God Bless You & Family !!! I hope everything works out for you guys, tell hubby he has to back you.

Sis-In-Christ,B. W.D.

To be blunt your counselor is terrible and you should find another one. To say what he/she did is only going to create an unhealthy war zone in your home. Your husband and you are the ones who need to be absolutely in agreement and united on all fronts. His role in this is critical. He and you need to make the house rules and he needs to stick up for them with his child just like you do with yours. It will take lots of time in the beginning because the stepchild is making a lot of difficult changes and will need support, and your children will need you to talk to and support them while things are getting settled. It will not happen overnight, but things will get easier if your husband and you operate as a team. On the flip side of what others have said, your husband knew your house rules when he married you and has agreed to putting his child in that home as well, so it is up to him to live up to that decision he has made for himself and his child. I am a step mom and my husband and I do not concern ourselves with what happens in the other home, but when his kids are here they live by our house rules. We always made it clear in the beginning that there are two houses and they have different rules. It was an effort in the beginning, but now they have no problems being here and living by our rules and things are fair between his three and my two kids. It does work but your husband and you have to make this huge effort in the beginning and be on the same page.

I have to say your counselor sounds like a nut job. To tell you that you have no authority in your own home, and can not require a child to live by your rules because you didn't give birth to her is just plain nuts. YOU are the adult, YOU are the parent therefore YOU are the authority. You and your husband need to band together so that the step child sees that what YOU say is the same as what he says. The child has moved into YOUR home, not the other way around. Allowing her to live by her own rules not only allows her to be queen of the house, but gives a horrible example for your other children.

My stepdaughter was exactly the same, until it got so bad that we sent her back to her mother. It started with the "you're not my mom" and over time just blew up to something far worse than I could ever imagine. It seemed that she had set her mind to destroying our marriage and our lives. I have an obligation to my other 7 children to provide a healthy living environment and my step-daughter's disruptions and disrespect were not healthy for them at all.

I must say to all of the people who have said "your counselor is right" - you have to look at the fact that she and her husband have 2 children together. Their relationship isn't something that is brand new, nor is the divorce. The only NEW part of all of this is the step-child moving in. It is a time of adjustment for the entire household, but the rules that were in effect before the child came to live with them should remain in effect.

M. J

I disagree with your counselor. Whenever there is a child in your home (be it visiting or living) they SHOULD be expected to follow the rules of the house they are in, with no exceptions! They will disagree, argue and try to prevent that (the kids), but the bottom line is, that is what kids do whenever rules are given to them to follow!! If the rules exist for your own children, and you don't have the same rules in place for the step-child who lives with you or the step-child who does not, your biological children will begin to have issues with that as they grow older.

Your husband has to support the rules that are in place as well as you. Depending on the ages of your kids (and their ability to understand), maybe you could have a family meeting to discuss the rules and parent expectations. Allow all the kids to talk about the rules. Sometimes you might be able to strike a bargain with them (they'll agree to follow one rule if their bedtime is extended 15 minutes). Sometimes having the input of all the children in the home (if appropriate ages and communication levels) gives ownership to the rules, and makes it easier for them to follow them.

Good luck! I step-parented for a year, then my step-kids asked me to adopt them (their mother was deceased). We survived (not always a skate in the park either), but we all made it! They're grown and expecting their own children, and adore their little brother (who just turned 5).

Good luck. Remember teamwork and agreeing with your husband is critical. Be a little flexible with the setting of the rules (within reason) to give the kids some sense of ownership, and they might have an easier time following them.

It is your house and your rules do apply. I didn't like my mother's rules, but I lived in her house and thus had to abide by her rules....not so much because she was my mother, but because she was my caretaker and it was her house....even when I turned 18 I had to follow her rules because it was her house.

When I stayed with an aunt I had to follow her rules because it was her house. When I was at my grandparents I had to follow their rules because it was their house. My mom didn't care if we went into the fridge to get a drink, but my grandmother did and thus we did not do that at her house.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your hubby and work things out. If the rules are good enough for your kids, then they are good enough for everyone in your house.

With all due respect, M., I gotta say that if you lay down the law with your stepkids, expect feathers to be ruffled. It's not your home anymore, and that's a fact about which you and your husband need to be crystal clear. I'm not saying to let your stepdaughter have the run of the joint. Realize, though, that she's greatly in the minority and it's likely that her wishes were not taken into a whole lot of consideration when planning to merge the two households.

I remember this one time after my stepdad moved in, he trimmed his beard in the little section of the basement I used to paint and didn't clean up after himself. So I complained to my mother, and both of them totally brought the hammer down on me. Meanwhile, I was like "WTF?!", thinking that this man who I hardly know moves into MY house, I didn't have a say in the matter, and now he doesn't respect my space?

Hopefully all y'all can come to a happy medium that works well for everyone involved. Good luck!

I read your response from Ellen P. She summed it up greatly If you are not backed by your spouse then they are part of the problem. And yes I am a step mom. And you counselor needs a counselor. good luck

M.:
Sorry to hear you are having some difficulty with your step children. I am a stepmom as well and fortunately for me she is a pretty well behaved 14 year old, but I do have to say I sometimes feel that I have no authority to scold her. In saying that, however, house rules are house rules. Disciplining a child does sometimes include having them obey house rules. The question I have for you is: Where is dad in all of this? What is his stance? He and you need to be on the same page and he has to help enforce rules in your household. You should not be alone in this. You are right - it is after all, your house and they need to abide by the rules. Even if where there mom lives the rules are different, they need to adjust to both and abide by both. Stand your ground, discuss this with your spouse and set some firm rules. Allowing the children to not abide by the rules is unaceepatable and if you have children of your own, they all should have the same rules. It is not fair to your children. Don't give up though - have faith - anything is possible. But be firm and make sure the rules are followed. Good luck!

Hi M., I, too, was a stepmom and one of the 3 came to live with us...at first, it seemed strange but it all worked out...I really had some challaging days, but we all learned how to live under one roof and it was a blessing to me...when we get together now days and she tells me of the adventures of her children, I just listen and think of all the times we had together and wish we could do it all over again...believe me, it's all worth it, and when you will look back on these days, you'll wish you could have it all back...I miss my kids now that they have gone and have their own kids...God bless you and your family, Love Jo

Hi M.,

I'm not a "step parent," but I am a "child by marriage" (the term my family prefers to "step") and have been since I was 2. I always live with my Dad and his second wife and her daughter. House rules don't belong to one parent or the other... they belong to BOTH parents/adults in the house. When we were growing up there was ONE set of rules for my sister and I and we had the same consequences no matter who broke the rules. The only difference was who handled the discipline. If I did something wrong, my parents discussed the punishment and my Dad (my bio parent) delivered the verdict. For my sister, our Mom (her bio parent) told her what the punishment would be.
If your child by marriage is living with you, she needs to have the same rules as your biological children or there will always be trouble and unrest in your home and eventually resentment from the children with stricter rules. You and your husband need to get on the same page then HE needs to talk to your daughter my marriage and explain what the HOUSE rules are and why it's important for her to set a good example.
My mother by marriage and i had a few rough years when I was in high school, but we are pretty good friends now.

Hi, M.,

I noticed right away that your note never mentions Dad. If he is trying to stay out of this, that's no good and so unfair to you. Also no good is this counselor. If three kids live in your home, all three should have similar expectations from both parents, of course with each child's age and capabilities factored in. Calling you "just the step" is nutty and simply destructive to all concerned, as it positions a kid calling the shots for the entire household.

If you feel you need help (and you'd be right about that!), find a counselor who is on your side. It shouldn't be hard -- this one is the exception.

Long story short, M., you are in a tough position and everyone out there surely feels for you. I've been divorced from my sons' dad for 12 years and we're still knee-deep in fallout. My new husband is wonderful with my kids (23 and 19), who are both living with us this summer, yet it's never easy for everyone, even when there is good will all around. Over the years, however, things sort themselves out and you may find this girl becoming close. YOU NEVER KNOW!!!

Meanwhile, good luck and all the best,
Mama S.

I disagree, you can enforce rules in your own home because it's YOUR HOUSE. You can't control what a stepchild does outside your home (nor should you try) but your rules are your rules in your home.

That being said, sometimes rules need to be enforced on a gradient. I can be shocking. I've made a lot of headway in 1 year, things have been slowly getting better. You just have to keep steady on your course and your husband has to be 100% behind you.

You absolutely do NOT have to concede all the time, but you will have to compromise. Definitely pick your battles. The stepchild does not come first, but then neither do you. In a family I don't believe one person is ever more important than the other!

Different step-parents have different relationships with their kids. Some take a backseat role and prefer to just be friends. Others take a hand in raising the kids. It all depends on what you want, and what your husband wants. Usually if the biological mom is very involved then the stepmom is more of a friend. If the bio-mom is not involved or does not do a good job then the stepmom may take a larger role.

Step-parenting can be very hard, it's not one that is very recognized as the bio-mom always will get the "credit." Plus it's not fun having your husbands ex in your life!

But know that you and the stepchild can still have a great relationship and what you do will be appreciated in the long run.

This might sound harsh........but my house my rules. Kids are smart and adapt. I know it's hard for a child to go through the changes. It's not fair to the kids that live with you for one child to have different rules. But....pick your battles. Good luck with everything.

Hi M.- as a fellow step-parent I disagree with your counselor- house rules should be house rules for everyone who lives in your house! I do agree that your husband should be the primary disiplinarian but to back up you and the house rules. My stepson comes on the weekends and at his mom's house he is a spoiled only child allowed to watch progams and do things we don't do here at our house. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and he has adjusted to knowing what he can and can't do at our house- we just tell him "this is the way we do things here". I think the most important thing is to get you and your husband on the same page- this is your and his house and you need to run it the way you see best- step child will just have to aclimate!

I would think that having one child have one set of rules and the other 2 a different set of rules would cause havok within the children. Kids are not dumb and will see this difference. I say my house my rules. Your husband needs to be more supportive. I am curious as to why this child came to live with you...sounds like there were issues with mom??? Maybe more rules and structure is what this kid needs.

I am not a step-parent but I am a step-child and I think your counselor was wrong. However, there does need to be some concession - but with Dad's approval. There should be agreement between the 2 of you on house rules. All children living under your roof need to abide by the same rules. Maybe things need to change a bit to come to a comfortable middle ground?

Also wanted to add, just read Wendy P's response and she is right on. You can't call your stepchildren "stepchildren" and then call the 2 you had with your husbuand "ours". They are all yours now, and definitely all his. If you are feeling excluded, imagine how the "ours" vs. "step" label being applied to your stepchildren feels to them.

The key here is that you are the "parent" step or otherwise. I have been a step mom for 19 years and to a certain extent you do have to try to let go of some things and choose your battles. It is very difficult and you have to make sure that your husband is 100% on the same page or that is where the real issues get out of control. My advice would be to sit down with your husband and set the ground rules, the ones that are absolutely to be abided by (by all children in the household) and he has to commit to back you up if there is an issue. In your home, you deserve respect by all members of the family, you are the parent of all the children and you absolutely have to have authority, the challenge is that you now have to try to your best ability to be fair and impartial even when your step-child is uncooperative. It is your home, and I am assuming that your step-child is not living with you by choice which may complicate it further, you and your husband must set the groundrules and stick by them and please take into consideration that yes, it is your house but the child is also suffering from a huge change and probably feels hurt and powerless as well. Also, please know that no matter what the circumstances of why the child is with you, a child will be loyal to their other parent - NO MATTER WHAT. Although this is completely understandable it seems to be a huge barrier when you are there to help raise the child, they can be resentful and distant by no fault of your own. I won't lie, you really have to dig deeeeeep as I did for many years and I made a commitment to love that child like my own, no matter what, even when she didn't want me to! I did it for her because she was lost and I did it because I love my husband and made a committment to him when we were married. Bottom line, rules were the rules and continue to be the rules as I had another child to raise and I was and am a full time stressed working mother trying to juggle it all. Hang in there and know that you are the parent and at the end of the day, we can all just do our best.

Being a step-parent is a hard task in some situations but you have to remember that when you married your husband you knew he had children and you still said, "I do."
I agree with the counselor only as far as you need to sometimes step back but if your husband and you made these rules (together) your step children needs to follow those rules. There maybe different rules for the 2 households but as long as your husband is in agreement with the rules in your house you should implement them.
You should not have to concede and I would not. There should be rules in the household and the rules should stand for your children as well as the step child.
But i will say your husband has to be behind you when you implement the rules. If not you are fighting as losing battle. If your husband will not stand up to his children from his first marriage you will always have problems with your step children and you will probably have problems with your own children later on. If your children see your step children getting away with things, your own children are going to want the same treatment.
My situation was total break down when my husband and I had a child when my step son was around 10 years old. My step son wanted nothing to do with our new baby (son) and at age 11 he decided he never wanted to come to our home again. My step son will be 30 in November and we have not seen him since he was 11 years old. Our son will be 19 in a month and he has only seen his half brother twice and he was less than a year old.
You and your husband really need to be in agreement with your rules and then your husband has to deal with his ex-wife NOT YOU. Really sit down and talk to your husband. A heart to heart talk.
My personal suggestion would be to turn to the Lord and ask for His wisdom in this matter. God is filled with Grace, compassion and Love. He may open your hearts and give you the direction you need.

Good Luck

"To lift yourself up; list up someone else"
George Washington Carver

Your letter is so sad. I can hear your exasperation in it! Sorry, I'm not a step-parent, however, I did live with my mother-in-law and, slowly, the rules in my home began to change... that's when, I sat my husband down and said we needed to work together. He was in denial that there were any problems.

All that comes to mind is... Do you love your husband? Does he, emotionally, support you and "have your back"? I think your counselor is crazy... I can see taking a step back just to re-examine your rules to make sure you are not too rigid, but to... "not be upset that she doesn't live by house rules"" What is she nuts???? You have other children in the house who you are watching your every move and are trying to learn what they can and cannot get away with. Just knowing that you have little ones watching you will help you remember just why you set rules.

Take back your home. Don't be a martyr. Pull back your shoulders. Do your best to not make your home a battleground. Make sure you are always a mannerly person and don't tolerate disrespect. Talk to your husband about this concern and work together to find a solution, when you are not in the heat of the moment. You do not have to concede - your husband needs to be more supportive. Oh.... and finding another counselor may be helpful too!

One of my favorite quotes kept me strong. It comes from Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Let it be your mantra.

Hi M.,

I think that counselor is way off base. So what if she came from another house with different rules-she's living in your house now and must abide by the house rules established by you and your husband.