What Can I Do to Get My 7 Year Old Step Son to Stop Throwing Temper Tantrums.

I would consider counseling, not for the tantrums, but for the concerns about his mothers home and his acting out. For the tantrums, he would be set alone in his room and ignored, every single time. I don't tolerate tantrums, nor do I listen to them or feed into them.

Start with a meeting with the school psychologist. If he's doing this at school they should be involved. Once you get an idea of what they see at school you can take that to his pediatrician and get a referral for a family therapist. It sounds like you need professional help and this is how you do it. Good luck!

Well, you've received several suggestions to ignore the behavior; I'm going to say that, given the information you supplied, I would handle this a bit differently.

We were experiencing some similar outburst (and still are from time to time) and I've found that for my, kid, the outbursts stem from frustration. Your stepson has a lot of reason to be frustrated, okay? There is a lot of disruption in his life for someone so very little and young. We forget that for seven year olds, going back and forth between two houses isn't "normal"; it is very disruptive. Children of divorce know this; it's even hard to shift gears between households sometimes as teens.

The fact that the boy was doing fine during the summer suggests that this isn't necessarily *how* you and your husband are addressing the issue, but more that the situation at his mom's home is not great for him. In some way or another, he is having a hard time negotiating the demands being made of him.

I also want to deeply caution you in regard to talking to him about his situation at his mother's home. He is understandably loyal to his mom and this puts him in a position I would say no little kid should have to deal with. It would be very easy for him to blame himself (if his mom got upset or if the custodial arrangement changed) and likely his mom would be very upset to hear about this, so he's trying to protect two people, his parent and himself. Too much. I'd suggest working with a private play therapist or school counselor to forge that sort of 'neutral third party' relationship with him so he has someone to work through this with. If there is something concerning going on at his moms, this person will be a mandatory reporter. If not, it will still give him someone to talk to whom he doesn't have to worry will 'choose sides'.

Please, please also get the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This wi your family hae the sort of progressive conversations twhich help the problem--solving process when there is conflict.

The other thing I have found useful is this list of tips for parents-- it is on an ADHD parenting site and while our son has not been diagnosed (and whether or not he receives a diagnosis), the philosophy behind these ideas is very, very helpful when working with young kids, period.

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/985.html

I hope this helps. Be sure to talk to your husband about counseling, too, for your stepson as well as for your and your husband if needed. Often, our kids' problems are also benefited by parenting taking inventory on how they are approaching the situation as well. I know this has been helpful for me and it sounds like you are at that moment. Good luck moving forward and remember, there are valuable resources out there if the adults choose to avail themselves of them.

You sound very concerned and it sounds really reasonable. I'm having a few different thoughts about this, so I'll try and explain the best I can.

First off, your husband (the child's father) needs to be intervening to figure out what is causing the behavioral issues. It is not "normal" for a 7 year old to have daily temper tantrums. 1) There is something organic going on and/or 2) There is something environmental. Without knowing this child, I would tell you to have the father make an appointment with a child psychologist OR developmental pediatrician to see evaluate his son. Sometimes they can narrow down what is causing the behavior and then begin to address things with medication, therapy, etc. That would be my first step.

The next thing that needs to happen is for the husband to talk with the child's teacher. If he is close to getting kicked out of school, there needs to be an intervention quickly by the school. How is he doing with reading? Writing? Math? Socially? What are the major issues for him in school? These can be addressed with an IEP if necessary. But, I'd do it quickly to avoid any major problems at school.

Truly, it is not your job to discipline your stepson. The parenting should take place from his parents. But, based on your post, it sounds like that isn't fully happening. Your stepson could be acting out because he's looking for boundaries and rules but he's not getting them. Attention, even if it's negative, is attention.

When did you come into this little boy's life? Recently? Are there other children in the picture? How much time does he spend at your house vs. the mom's house? Is he being exposed to an unstable envt while he's with the mom? All of these things can play a role in how he acts. Children show signs of depression a bit differently than we expect.

To answer your question, yes, there are things you can do. You can encourage your husband to address the issues that I mentioned up above. He shouldn't be relying on you to take care of them.

It sounds like you haven't tried ignoring them. Ignoring is one of the best tactics. Unrewarded (i.e. ignored) behaviors tend to become extinguished. It's basic Skinner.

A special ed teacher friend of mine has used the ignoring tactic to extinguish some very extreme behaviors (such as a 6 year old that chronically yelled out things like "put it up your a$$." In that case she had an an aide take him outside, away from the class. When he continually didn't get the desired result -- attention -- he stopped doing it.)

You have to be consistent, no matter what you do. You may have to keep ignoring it for a few weeks to be successful -- if you don't keep it up long enough it won't work. It took my teacher friend a couple of exhausting months with this kid, because he was very persistent.

Unfortunately, his teacher needs to be skilled enough to deal with it at school.

He wants, and is getting, attention for this. I agree that ignoring him - literally walking away and saying you don't listen to screaming - works best. Some kids need immediate response - so taking away TV later on doesn't work. So you put the game away if he loses and doesn't like it. You also let kids win some of the time, as long as they don't know it. But you can find other games - and that's what you say, "Okay, I'm putting this away since you don't like to play." Then you walk away and tell him you'll come back when he calms down. Or you send him to his room, not with a lot of yelling and conversation, but "until he feels calmer" and wants to return to family fun.

Having kids with 2 households is very difficult - you want to maintain your standards/values, but it's not consistent with the other home/parenting style. Transitions are very hard for all kids of divorce, and impossible for some kids, and that's what you're seeing.

I know you don't believe in medicating, but do you have any legal rights? Probably not - this is a decision for the father and mother to make, right? What is their belief and what, if anything have they tried and discussed? If they don't want to medicate, that's their decision. I work with plenty of families who don't medicate, so I support that, but as a stepmother myself I am telling you that you can't make this your decision.

I'm not surprised that you aren't getting too far sitting down and talking to him about this. He's 7. He doesn't have the vocabulary. He probably doesn't know why he's doing what he's doing. Very rarely will a parent of a 7 year old get him "to say too much" - and it's harder when you are the stepparent because he knows he has 2 other parents to deal with.

I'm particularly disturbed by your comment that he's about to be kicked out of school? What??? Is it a private school? If it's a public school, they can't kick a child out unless there are persistent disciplinary issues that have not been and cannot be death with - usually kids are only expelled at older ages, like teenagers. Your husband and his ex should be sitting down with the teacher, the school psychologist, and any other resource personnel to do a plan that involves classroom observation, immediate intervention strategies, the assignment of a paraprofessional aide and perhaps the development of an IEP or other plan. I taught in 2 different private schools, and we also used psychologists and aides to support students with behavioral and learning issues. Even if there is no diagnosed learning issue, if there's a behavioral problem, it becomes a learning issue.

There should be a consistent strategy and a consistent vocabulary among the school and the 2 homes. Kids do much better when there aren't 3 sets of rules and expectations. I think parents getting into family counseling can really help to develop a parenting plan. I'd also look at what happened to trigger a resurgence of this behavior. A qualified professional can help you do that. Your husband and his ex should find a family counselor who specializes in children - the child's pediatrician can make a referral to someone who accepts the family medical insurance. The child's insurance can be used for any sessions the child is part of, even if just for part of the session, and the adult insurance can be used for other sessions - so that allows for a lot of coverage.

Please give this kid a chance with some good. solid intervention. He needs to evaluated medically, psychologically, neurologically, socially. He's in pain - he doesn't want to be like this. But it's often not something that one parent, particularly a stepparent, can talk him out of.

You sound like a great step mom and that's a hard position. I am one and we gained custody of my husband's daughter when she was 9. It was a long battle with an unfit mom. Immediately when she came to us we started family counseling. I knew she had lots of things to deal with and I had never parented before. It is imperative for a child to have a person they can talk to and not feel like they're betraying either parent. There were also huge trust issues when she came to us. She would always take the largest portion of meat or anything else I had cooked and immediately begin questioning what we were having for the next meal. Why? She would go hungry when she was with her mom. Because her mom would also physically hurt her we enrolled her in karate. We thought at least she would be able to defend herself. After one particular visit she had huge bruises on her arms. When asked her explanation was if I had done the dishes right she wouldn't have gotten so mad. She told her mom she forgot how she liked them done because she had been doing them at our house. That enraged her mom further and made it worse for her. Please get this kiddo into counseling. I know our counsellor helped tremendously. Some of the angry outbursts we experienced were due in part that she wanted her mom to want to take care of her. Sadly at nearly 30 she is still wishing her mom would act like a mother. She calls me mom and knows I love her with all my heart. There has been a lot of heartache in her life because of the choices her mom made.

Love this child as much as you can (already sounds like you do) and remember you can make a difference in his life but you are not his mom.

Blessings!
L.

I would try ignoring the behaviour. Give absolutely no attention for it. When the tantrum starts just calmly ask him to go to his room, or the basement or outside so he doesn't disturb everyone else, and then ignore him.

I would also talk to his family doctor and have him assessed by a psychologist.

I've found with my kids giving them permission to throw the tantrum works. When they start, I tell them "ok, let it out. Go ahead, have a good cry." then let it go, and ignore them, and find something to keep yourself busy so you don't react to it. Many times they have looked at me like I'm crazy then went about their business, quietly.

If they do throw the tantrum, just ignore it. When they realize they are not getting any attention, they likely loose interest. Then when he chooses to stop on his own, say something like "good! I'm glad that's over! Want to play a game?" or whatever he may enjoy, together. Then while you are playing, you can calmly ask him what was bothering him. Let him know it's ok to be upset, we all get upset, but next time lets talk about what is bothering him. He may not want to talk about it or answer your questions, but you've opened the door to communication.

If it gets really out of hand, I would lead him to his room, tell him he can come out when he is done with his tantrum. Then close the door.

I think the key here is that you are always the calm, patient, level headed one. If you go off the deep end as well, it just escalates the situation and shows the child that yelling and loosing control of yourself is the way to handle your feelings. Maybe this is what is happening at Mom's house.

You can not control what happens at Mom's house, but you can tell him "at OUR house, we do not throw tantrums." This tells him that behavior in one house is not necessarily acceptable behavior in the other, and that we can act differently depending on where we are. Of course, you will have to model this behavior as well, always, otherwise you do more harm than good.

He is likely doing it for attention, so as soon as the tantrum is over and positive behavior has returned, do something together. A game, let him help make dinner or help with whatever you are doing.

But you also mention being kicked out of school in first grade and medication. Possibly the tantrums are a symptom of larger issues that needs to be addressed.

I agree with the family counseling. You ALL need support. I don't know how much mom is involved re. being a co-parent, or if her relationship with her ex is too adversarial to actually be a partner in parenting, but at least if YOU all get family therapy, you'll have support.

Divorce sucks for adults, and can be hellish for kids - most adults don't really get this. WE can process our emotions better - kids are only learning to. If he's overwhelmed inside his head, the outside stuff probably pushes him over the edge of frustration.

Whatever you and your husband can do to help him find calm, do that. YOU can't get him to stop - it's not all about you. It's the family working together.

I don't know if trying to get more visitation would work - or being the primary home and her having visitation, but if that's a better solution, it may work more. Puberty's a bit far off, but having more contact with dad (especially if he's the stable one) would probably be good for him.

I am a child of divorced parents. It is a very stressful life.
We have no control over where we will be at any given time. Sometimes when I was with my dad and his girlfriends or wife, I really wanted to be back in my own home with my bedroom, my friends and especially my mom. What then goes along with this is MAJOR guilt. I felt like I was a bad person, because I should have been satisfied to be with my dad in his life.

My dad had a different life now and I was not used to it.

Children need and crave structure. It comforts them to know exactly what they are supposed to do. They need to know they can freely explain their feelings.
They are used to a certain ways and being a part of the structure and dynamics of the family.

When you have 2 different families, it is really hard.

I also suggest family counseling. Having someone hear everyone's side of what they are feeling can help to come up with a plan and some suggestions.

The adults at this point need to help this child figure out what he is frustrated, stressed and angry and then help him adjust to his new life. It will not be over night and the adults will really need to work together on this. It was not until I was in my mid 20'si was able to figure this all out..and my sister is almost 50 and still is a total wreck. Still having tantrums and blaming everyone else.

Since your step son is having such a problem with anger and behaving in school and at home, and going between homes, I would suggest family counseling. Talking to a trained person may help your step son find ways to channel his behavior in more positive ways than what he is currently doing. It might also uncover if there was something seriously wrong at his mother's house. It would also give you and your husband better ideas in how to parent him. Hopefully, the school would back you up and request that the mother also attend this counseling to help her son (she should have separate visits with the counselor and then with her son). If the counselor recommends it, then family counseling with your husband and his ex also because consistency and a united front are so important. good luck.

I know kids that have done this to parents - both divorced and not.
The bottom line is not tolerating it.

The trick is finding out how to get that message across.
My kid (also 7) is not one that responds to consequences. He doesn't care if I take things away or he he loses privileges. At all.

For me, ignoring him did it. Telling him at the start of a trantrum that if he wanted to talk to me, he would need to calm down. If he wants to scream, he can do it by himself in his room. I would not be listening to it.
And then follow through.

Once he realized I was serious (there were days where I didn't speak to him for over an hour), it stopped quickly.

Ignoring bad behavior is the best way to correct it.

How verbal is he? Does he show any signs of being on the Autism Spectrum? Autistic children often have poor verbal skills or an inability to express themselves verbally. They also have no filters and no impulse control. They tend to do what they want when they want with no consequences in the thought process. For instance, they see a puppy across the road, they want to pet the puppy, they run across the road never looking for traffic.
You might want to do some research on Autisim to see if his behaviors fit, then get him tested.

You say all YOU do, but you don't say what other people do. I think that he may certainly be upset about things (perhaps the back and forth in general) and if I were you, I would ask my DH to reach out to the school (the counselor may be able to meet with him one on one and work on these behaviors or get to the bottom of it) and/or his pediatrician. I'm wondering why the school hasn't done or said more if he's on the verge of being kicked out. What have they suggested? Have they met with DH and BM both?

Does your DH discuss this behavior with the boy's mom and if so, what does she say? My SD went through a long phase when she was 11 where she would come home in hysterics. Eventually we learned that she really wanted more time with her mother and while we could suggest more visits, etc, you can lead a horse to water and all that. But I do think that your DH needs to take the lead here, both as the legal parent and biological parent. Stepparents (even those whose spouses are custodial like mine) are still deputies in these situations. I would leave the big punishments to DH and back him up instead of you being the bad guy. Your DH is the one who needs to get more involved here.

He sounds like he's going through a lot. Be patient with him and give him simple commands like Please put the books on the shelf. Giving him complicated instructions like Pick up the books and put them on the shelves is harder for him to process.

Help him by giving him time to process your requests. For instance, asking him to put the books on the shelf but he doesn't acknowledge your request. Ask him What are you supposed to be doing? Let him think then answer. Say he says Putting the books on the shelves. This helps him take time and think things through. It's part of learning critical thinking.

He might need to talk to someone. If he has any disorder that affects his behavior medication might be called for for a while. If he's depressed there's no guarantee he'll need medication for more than a few months. Sometimes things like depression are situational/environmental and once the issue is worked through or gone the person can go off the meds a little at a time and still be okay afterwards.

My stepson went thru this at age 5 and got worse in 2nd grade he was diagnosed with adhd in 2nd grade and is now 14. Looking g back I can only say no one knows until u are in it, my ss threw raged tantrums, flailing his body on floor screaming for up to an hour, crying, anger, was not focused in school and last straw was misbehavior in school at only 8 yrs old! He finally got the help and meds and it has been a night and day difference. Nothing we did would help. I thought it might be different rules at moms as well etc etc. Maybe seek a medical specialist/consult to see if anything underlying.

Btw I have been in my ss life since he was five and now have my own son who is 6 and acts nothing like my ss did at his age. My kid will throw the occasional tantrum goes to his room apologizes in 5 minutes, is a straight A student , has lots of friends and easy to get along with. My ss was the opposite and unfortunately still struggles with issues but does a lot better since then.

Agree with others to get some professional advice whether it's organic or environmental there are obvious issues he's struggling with.

Unless there is some underlying medical problem, tantrums are just a behavior that kids will do if they get away with it. It's very hard to control those feelings, especially after years of getting away with it, and it feels great to vent all that aggression and frustration, so they don't stop unless it's really not tolerated. Sure, there are always sincere reasons for kids to get upset. But some kids are allowed to pitch fits and some aren't. Mine aren't. A few calm swats on the butt nipped those by age two in all three of my kids. If they were still pitching fits at older ages, I'd use something FIRM that was more age appropriate.

A firm and immediate consequence is needed for the fit. If you do something consistently for it, and it has no effect, then you know it is not firm enough. Time outs are NOT FIRM. It's like asking a kid to PRETEND that something really serious is happening to them, when in reality, absolutely nothing is happening to them. Taking away video games? Video games are an unnecessary luxury. Removing them doesn't create anything serious to contend with. He's still got all his other toys and freedom and comfort and no other consequence. Positive reinforcement? Praising kids for acting the way they should act won't stop them from throwing fits when they feel like throwing fits. I've never praised my kids for NOT throwing fits. Except for when they were very first learning to control it, and needed big kudos for controlling them. A six year old can control them, and should not be praised for doing so. Or at least, that has nothing to do with discipline.

I have a 6 year old son in 3rd grade. I'm a single mom and we've had OUR SHARE OF HARD TIMES. But fits are fits and they're not allowed here. He doesn't throw fits, but he was hurting his sister's feelings a few weeks ago so I made him clean out our garage. There are other firm things I could do to make him think twice before doing things he shouldn't.

Figure out what your step son REALLY cares about, and use it. It's obviously not time outs or video game removal. What is it? Give him a SERIOUS consequence for acting WAY inappropriately. Your husband needs to be fully on your side and the enforcer whenever possible. As a step mom, you may feel limited in how firm you can be. But firmness is what it takes. Whatever you do DO NOT IGNORE!!!!! Ignoring is condoning. He could do this for a few more years if you ignore it.

His father needs to go to the school and speak with the counselor. there needs to be a PLAN. you are not mom, so you cannot go speak with anyone at school about your step son without your husband present, but certainly attend all meetings with him.