A.D.
M.,
Being a step-parent is a very difficult task! I know because my husband has a step-mother and step-father. He got along well with both of his step-parents (unfortunately, his step-father passed away just two years ago). I think the key to the great relationship was that both step-parents realized that they would never replace his own biological parents. However, they did treat him with the same kind of love and respect as their own children. If you include your step-son as an equal to your children, you will earn their respect. However, you do walk a thin line when it comes to discipline. You need to let the biological parent be the one in charge of discipline. At the same time, you can also let the child know that you are aware that you are not their biological parent, but that you do ask that they respect your home and all children in your home (including guests). Even though you are a step-parent, they are not allowed to treat any child (including your own) in a mean way. For example you might say, "Tripping; hitting; punching; swearing are not allowed in this house. I do not let my 2 sons or their friends hurt their friends or family. You are a part of this family. I know you are a bright and wonderful child. I expect you to behave in a better manner than this." You might add, "Is there something bothering you? Would you like to talk about it? I bet you are upset that your dad is in Iraq. It must be very scary for you, but you are still not allowed to behave badly. We love you and we want the best for you!"
When you set a positive tone that is equal and fair, you will get more positive behaviors (whether they are your biological child or not). Good luck to you!
A. D.