My 4 Year Old Is Very Shy Around Adults.....

I agree that this is perfectly normal. My little girl is not shy but does "act" shy sometimes. I try to "help her with her words" when she gets like this. I think it helps. If I notice that she's looking down or backing away from a situation I'll assess it and suggest how she might handle the situation. "Why don't you tell her your name is Cassandra and ask her what her name is." "Will you go give Uncle Greg a hug if I come with you?" She's learning that all she has to do is tell someone her name to start a conversation, or ask me to come with her into a situation she's not completely comfortable with, etc. Some kids just don't have the "social gene" (I know I didn't!) and need some advice on how to handle certain situations. I wouldn't worry. Alot of adults are like this too - you'd be surprised!

There is nothing wrong with it! I have 5 little boys 2 very out going and 2 that react the way you are describing(and the jury is still out on the 23 month old...he's both). There are plus' and minus' to both...on one hand it's great to have an attention getter, they answer questions and make adults laugh and then the shy ones can make you frustrated because you feel they are being rude...well I like caution...that kid will NEVER go with a stranger! My 7 and1/2 year old and 4and 1/2 year old are the shy ones and I think you did the right thing by putting yours in school, as a mother I let my child's teachers know how extremely shy he is at first and that any attention(good or bad) is horrible for him until he's ready...my son Rhys will say he doesn't know an answer in order not to be asked...he's going into 3rd grade in the fall and still needs a month or so for warm up at school(it took a lot longer in pre K and younger grades). I will make him speak when spoken too(because he'll be 8 soon)but I don't make my 4 year old, I will answer for him in a crowd or to a stranger and we will talk about manners when we are alone, he's getting better but the truth of the matter is not everyone is outgoing(like me)and thank goodness or no one would ever get a word in :) If your son warms up eventually, then he's fine and you shouldn't(in my opinion) push him, it'll come with time, experience and maturity...it took awhile for me to learn this because I am not this way at all and my first son is just like me, but there is nothing wrong with being shy and observing the situation until they are comfortable(if only I could learn a thing or two from that :) and remember one last thing....get down on your knees and look up at your husband...grown ups are BIG to 4 year olds, I think sometimes we forget how intimidating that in it's self can be! Good luck, always here for support,
C.

There have been a number of studies that seem to show that shyness is a genetic predisposition. Encourage the adults around him to accept him as he is instead of trying to get him to come out of his shell. Above all, try not to feel embarrasment. Any adult who is insulted by a small child that refuses to interact needs to reexamine her own take on it, not the child´s behaviour.
If it becomes a huge problem for him so that it is limited his social interactions, you could also try some congitive behavioural therapy. It can help with shyness too.

My eldest daughter is a very outgoing/social person who is highly verbal and yet, from infancy, there were unanticipated times where she would become "skeptical" or shy of someone new or not often seen. At first I didn't get it because it seemed to happen randomly. Now I realize this is a wonderful trait in her. Why am I encouraging her to be so friendly to strangers that approach her when her gut wants time to assess the situation? Too often we, especially women and children, feel socially forced to be overly friendly and that can often lead to trouble in dangerous situations. I think it's more important to teach your children to trust their instincts. There's a difference between being shy/apprehensive and being rude. If he's simply withdrawing/sad face/not responding - that's one thing. If he's saying rude things or acting out physically when someone tries to interact, that's when you step in and teach him a better way to handle the situation.
If you think your son is trying to get attention by behaving this way - don't make a big deal of it. Let him be - let him have time to warm up. He's getting more attention by trying to be brought out of his shell than if he were left to observe with an occasional prompt for interaction.
Also, remember 4 is young. We often expect adult behavior out of children who are too developmentally young. There is a reason why all of preschool through elementary school is spent learning about how to handle social situations, follow rules, and communicate with others.
Good luck!

hi J.,
i'm not sure if you ever heard of this, (and for all i know your cutie may just be super shy!) but some of the'symptoms' sound a bit like selective mutism... one of my angels that i used to babysit for developed it as she entered kindergarten.... wouldn't even speak to anyone nw, and especially quiet in school around her peers, even though at home she was sooooo outgoing!if not dealt with, child can invert more and more..
.. now at 10 years old, she is 'cured' with lots of support from her amzing mother, teachers and group therapy with other girls her age that also had this.. her mother also sighned her up for lots of activities /girlscouts/sports which helped the process....
hope this helps.... just something to check out, selective mutism.... good luck! M.

My 4yo daughter is the same exact way! Ive done some research & Ive come to the conclusion that she has some social anxiety (it runs in the family) & she fits the description of selective mutism. She is very hesitant to talk when spoken to, even w/ family & friends. She's been in preschool for 2 years & still barely talks to the teachers. At home she's fine, a chatter box, singing, dancing...but once shes around different people she clams up. Basically I just try not to force her to do things b/c it raises her anxiety & then she gets pissed off. My in-laws are very annoying with getting their "hellos" & "kisses" when they see her & she avoids them most of the time.
I would just let it all go & let him find his way & be comfortable with himself. Im sure he will eventually blossom. Being pressured to talk to adults/friends might make him feel bullyied.

My daughter was the same way- very reserved and shy. A good way to get him out of his shell is to make sure he knows your comfortable around other people- to achieve this, simply talk with the people he encounters and make him see that you are ok around them and that you "trust" them enough to have conversations with them. I did this, making happy conversations with people and involved her in the talk also. As for other kids, start to invite kids he knows over for play time and engage him in play with others. As for class, have him take a favorite toy or a snack to share and tell him that it would be nice to share the treat with others or talk to other kids about his favorite toy, make a chart at home and have him put a sticker on it for each friend he talked to during the school day and tell him that you two will go out for ice cream, etc. if he gets a sticker for each day. Invite him to feel comfortable around others and this means just showing him that it is fun to talk to new people.

Every child is different, some take longer to warm up then others, and it is not necessarily a bad thing, considering that he would be less likely to walk away with a stranger than a child that is more gregarious. I would not worry about it, unless it advances to anxiety-like behavior, like sweating, excessive crying, shaking when you try to drop him off someplace where you or your husband would not be there. I would gently encourage him to reach out, but not force him...that may make him more anxious. I think that time is all he needs.

Oh my, there is nothing wrong with being shy. Not everyone is outgoing. Enjoy his personality and please dont try to change him. If his teacher has a problem with him then SHE is the problem. SHE has to make him feel comfortable, its part of HER job. Adults are big!! and they have loud voices!! and they ask dumb questions!!! I think your son is smart to be ignore them. LOL

Hi J.,

I don't think it's a bad thing for kids to be shy around strangers! We talk to them all the time about stranger danger, and then give them mixed messages when we expect them to be instantly friendly with new people. I think that adults also need to realize that for the lessons of stranger danger to really sink in with kids and not approach them in a way where they expect kids to see them as friends, to speak to them or answer questions about personal information since we tell kids not to talk to strangers, not to tell strangers their name and they are really not clear on who a stranger is and isn't.

In social settings, I also think that adults don't realize what it's like for small kids to be surrounded by people and how intimidating it is. My oldest was always very friendly in a one to one situation, but we'd go to family gatherings and she'd have been asleep in the car. We'd walk in and suddenly my mom, sisters, niece, nephews would be crowding around. They just wanted to greet us, but my mom would keep saying "But she used to be so friendly!" and "She doesn't do this when it's just me." Right, but when you're a toddler or preschooler, startled out of sleep and trying to get your bearings in a new place, and you've got 5 or 8 people around you, it's very unnerving. I think it's the adults that really need to alter their expectations rather than the child needing to alter their behavior.

From personal experience part of the reason could be he is extaordinarily empathic. Sesitive to peoples emotions. When all this goes on all at once its difficult to filter out and overwhelming. He needs to learn to separate himself out and distance himself from what other people are feeling. Probably at this young age its hard to figure what are his feelings and what are others and that is why he can warm up after a while, Indeed after a while he will get his bearings.

Hi. I am a mom of three. When my middle child, Gabrielle was 4 she was the same way. She couldn't look an adult in the eye and hardly spoke around other adults. At home she was all talk and personality. She was actually evaluated because she spoke late and ended up having speech and occupational therapy for 2 years. I have to say though I think with Gabby it was more just a matter of her own pace and maturity. She is 8 now and happy and healthy and excelling at school. So it might just be a matter of time. Good Luck.