I'm feeling like the most horrible mommy in the world, but my 3 yr old has been pushing my buttons so much, I've had it. I keep losing my temper. Now all I do is yell. I feel horrid because I simply don't have the time or energy to always follow that "Happiest Toddler on the block" technique, or distract or whatever else I should be doing. Sometimes I just need to get something done.
A little background. I'm an older mom - mid-40s. Through the grace of IVF and frozen embryos, we had 2 children, now 3 and 10 months. My 2nd pregnancy took it's toll on me, probably because of my age, and when the baby was born I had severe PPD. Went on Lexapro. Was doing okay, but I didn't like the way it made me just feel "flat" all the time. So I am trying to go off the meds. I really would much prefer to work on my mood via exercise and improved diet, and I know I need to make some time for myself. The timing of going off the meds was very bad as my mother in law passed away one month ago, at our house, while babysitting our children, of a massive heart attack. We were floored, and obviously we're all struggling to deal with it. Since then we've gotten very slack in our day to day activities. My husband didn't go to work for 3 weeks (week of bereavement and 2 weeks holiday shutdown), they were generous to me about taking time off work, we've had a lot of snowdays, and holidays and life just hasn't been "normal".
My 3 yr old has been getting more and more out of control since the baby was born, and it's gotten really bad in the last month. He's a wonderful, active, smart and generally sweet boy, but he knows how to push, and he knows how to work his audience. We have always tried not to yell. I feel like I spent the last year doing those stupid "Happiest Toddler on the Block" techniques to no avail. No, he doesn't have many tantrums. He's just spoiled. IMHO my husband won't ever discipline or say No or yell. He just lets me take care of it all. I've gotten to the point where we're begging him to brush his teeth, eat his dinner, put on his clothes, use the potty. All things that he should just be expected to do at this point, I think.
I'm assuming it's because I'm off my meds, or maybe just because of stress, but I can't deal with it any more. He's out of control and we need to stop it. But i just end up yelling about everything. Yelling does have an effect. He cries, we all feel terrible, but he does brush his teeth or get his clothes on. But it feels horrible.
2 examples.
We've had a complete setback in the potty training area when grandma passed away, and I let it go. But this weekend I tried putting him back in underpants. Every time I said "let's sit on the potty," it was a fight. He'd cry "I don't have to go; nothing comes out" so we'd stop trying. One time, 3 minutes after refusing to go on the potty, he said "Mommy, I'm wet and I peed on the floor." And I lost it. I didn't yell because he had an accident. I yelled because instead of TRYING to use the potty, he just went ahead and made more work for me. Finally I decided there had to be a consequence. SO each time he peed his pants after fighting tooth and nail about sitting on the potty, I'd make him sit on the potty anyway. And I made him sit with me and help me clean up the mess. I think perhaps we've made it too easy for him to have an accident. No yelling, I change his clothes and he gets to keep on playing. So I was too lax, and now I've lost patience and am probably traumatizing him for life by forcing him to wear underpants.
This morning when trying to get the boys ready for daycare, he wouldn't put on his clothes, wouldn't brush his teeth, wouldn't use the potty. I had brought his clothes to put on in front of the TV that's how much I'm going out of my way to not upset him and he still wouldn't sit still. Giggling, laughing, squirming, taking the clothes off the second I put them on. So I carried him to his room and shut the gate (the only way I can get him to take a time out) and he sobbed "I'm ready to get dressed now, I'm ready to get dressed now."
I feel like a psycho mom who is going to be the subject of a made-for-tv movie some day. How do other mom's of children who are always pusing/testing get their kids to do the normal everyday stuff without yelling? I never thought I'd be one of these moms with such an out of control child. And it's making me out of control. HELP!
Oh hon, just wanted to let you know that it's not just you.
I literally, last night, said to my husband that I've become the mom that just yells all the time, and I hate it. But, like you, there are times where I just don't have 15 minutes to try to convince DS (2.5) to put his shoes on.
It's a phase. And it will pass. You just have to get through it.
Step back and take deep breaths when you need to. That's what I've started tyring.
your last paragraph is telling. you claim to have an out of control child who is making YOU out of control. why is this poor little fellow, barely able to verbalize let alone rationalize, in charge of an adult's emotional well being? how can he be expected to run the tenor of the household?
if you were 2 feet tall and had a giant, a giant who was your whole world, yelling at you, wouldn't you cry?
you are wonderful to be so aware of what's going on, and to seek help for what is a psychiatric condition, not a moral failure. but you must seek more and better help. your children deserve it, and need it desperately TODAY. if the meds make you flat, either learn how to deal with feeling flat or find better meds. you must must must stop yelling at and blaming your children. it's certainly terrifying for them to be in an atmosphere this explosive and unpredictable. do it for yourself. do it for them.
khairete
S.
The stretch when I went off Lexapro (and I did it with supplements) was extremely tough on me and my family, and I didn't have any other traumas to suffer through. It sounds like a really hard time for you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
That being said -- exercise and diet and time for yourself are CRUCIAL. IF Mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy. You cannot be a good mother if you are feeling unsteady within. Make it a priority.
You're clearly very frustrated and at a loss, and have really tried only one thing (The "stupid" happiest baby on the block). My advice would be to focus on a couple small things, and not try to solve all behavior issues at once. First and foremost, back off the potty training. And this comes from a mother who fought her son WAY too hard, who has cleaned more poop out of underpants and clogged toilets then she cares to remember, who KNOWS (as you do) that my reaction to his problems made them worse. Potty training should never be a fight, or a source of punishment. He is not doing anything on purpose, he is NOT choosing to make more work for you. It's a hard thing to master, especially when emotions get high, and you cannot solve it with consequences. Be gentle in this area, he needs your support.
Then, start looking at the other things (tooth brushing, getting dressed, etc). We'd all love it if these things came automatically, but he's still only 3. It's very young for following a routine without guidance. Lots to try: a star chart or check list for getting things accomplished, giving him choices for every task so he feels more in control... just because the one book didn't work, doesn't mean you can try more things that will.
I think you need to seek more compassion, both for your son and yourself. You've been through a lot, and you need some time and understanding to get on track. It's going to be OK, take lots of deep breaths, find time to exercise, make a nice smoothie, take a bath... you'll find your way.
I love the book magic 1-2-3 I hardly ever count past 2. It's a quick easy read too. I would le potty training go he will do that when he's ready but as far as getting dressed I'll ask once and if he doesn't do it I start to count. I think you take on things is helping he is not out of control he is a 3 yr old child. He needs consistent rules and expectations. Mornings can be stressful especially trying to ge 2 kids out of the door so get everything ready the night before, no tv until he's ready, etc. It will take sometime for him to figure out that you mean business but once he does your life will be so much easier.
Oh and in my opinion 3 is much worse then 2!
Our children are the same age-I have depressive issues as well and I'm also an older mom-38.
As an outsider looking in, this is my suggestion, so please take it for what it is worth, but know I've been there.
First-don't go off your meds! There are a lot of different meds out there so if what you are on isn't working talk to your doctor. Trust me-if you have the right med balance combined with diet and excersice you will find the meltdowns a bit more bearable and won't be quite as apt to lose it so quickly. Bottom line: Happy mama, makes happy baby. If I don't take my 2nd dose of focalin before dinnertime and my son is really working it-I don't handle it nearly as well.
Forget potty training for awhile. You both need a break and this is added stress. Focus on the other, less monumental stuff, (teeth brushing, eating his veggies) for now.
Spend some time with just him. About a month ago my husband was at complete odds with our 3 yrs old. I got to be the observer and finally one day after him yelling at ds for what was a really small infraction and handing out a really harsh punishment (naughty chair-but it was harsh for what was going on), I pointed out to my husband that he just wants his attention. We changed some things up and now before my husband picks up our daughter at gma, he spends 30-45 minutes with just our son. It's made a huge difference.
Know that meltdowns are going to happen..but one, if he is getting his emotional needs med he'll be more apt to listen to you regarding other things and two-the more you make it known that it's bugging you the more they do it. Dancing around while trying to get clothes on is their game--make it fun. My son loves to run from me sometimes when I want to change his diaper..and it does crack me up..so I chase him and I grab him and he's laughing and I'm laughing and it takes a bit longer, but it turned out fine, (plus budget more time for stuff so you aren't also working against the clock-that's when my blood starts to go up).
Set expectations and know that the first time he's not going to follow them-but if you follow thru he eventually will. For instance-before you get him dressed or have him brush his teeth or eat a veggies-tell him what is expected of him and allow room for compromise. "honey, it's time to get dressed for school"...no response from him or whining of course..."ok-here's the deal...you can watch 10 minutes of tv, (use a timer), after that we need to get dressed-you can watch a bit more after. The timer will go off and he won't want to get dressed so turn off the tv. He screams, etc..and you calmly say-I told you, XXXX. Once you are dressed you can watch the rest-not till then." Walk away. He'll get it after a few times that you mean business. Then, when it is a total deal breaker-no tv, we are running late, i'm sorry, you can watch that when we get home...won't be such a big deal to him.
And then there are just the times you will have to just pin him down and dress him, meanwhile sweating and getting dog hair on your pants from the carpet. :)
Also-when he does listen, praise him like crazy. He gets dressed with no issue, thank him and tell him what a good listener he is and how much you appreciate him helping mommy so she's not late for work.
And finally-remind yourself that this time of year is stressful no matter what, the death of your MIL is additional stress, (and when you are stressed kids know and they act out in response), so cut yourself more slack. Decide what are deal breakers and what aren't-so you can let some stuff go-like not sitting on the coffee table or something-maybe that's not a deal breaker-fight a bigger battle and worry about that another time.
Good luck!
I LOVE all the suggestions you have so far, so I won't repeat them. But here's something that may throw your son for a loop, next time you want him to do something try whispering to him. Kids love "getting in" on a secret and when you start whispering you have their full attention, they have to come close and really attend to what you are saying. This naturally turns into a game of sorts!
You need to set a schedule and stick with it - you all need some consistency.
You need to set rules and consequences and not deviate. Sit down with your 3 year old and have him help you.
Start tomorrow morning.
He gets up, he goes potty, he gets dressed, he makes his bed. (You need to help him until he gets the hang of it.)
Then he eats breakfast - no TV.
Brush teeth. If he is ready early, he can watch his show - otherwise - no TV. (Natural consequences.)
10 min. before you need to be in the car, the TV goes of, shoes and coat go on.
Dinner is dinner. Eat it or don't. Once he gets down from the table, he is done for the night. No milk. No cookies, nothing.
I think you've been coddling this kid. He needs structure. He needs discipline. He needs rules. He needs YOU and your spouse to step it up.
If you need help, contact a child psychiatrist to help you.
LBC
He is 3, 3 can be way worse than 2. He is more aware of his feeling but really still young to express them with full understanding so instead he reacts. He is also reacting to your moods. If you yell his reaction will be either to shut down and cry, or to become more excited and also yell...
He is also second fiddle to a new sibling (in his own mind). His parents are upset about the death of grandma and mom is not her usual self. He needs more attention with the new baby, but if that does not happen, he has learned that he can get their attention by being defiant. You can turn this around by having him help you with small things and giving him lots of praise. The more you do this, the more natural it will feel and the more he will crave the GOOD attention and recognition. "I need to wash the clothes, please bring me all of the big hanging towels from the bathrooms." "I just washed these clothes, help me fold the towels." "I like when you are my big helper." "I need help putting the clothes in the dryer, please come and help me." Then have him help transfer the wet clothes to the dryer.. Or have him help pull the dry clothes into the laundry basket. Have him hang up clothes on the hangers, have him button all of the buttons zip all of the zippers..
He is being made to potty train and may really not be ready yet with everything else going on. Imagine someone just telling YOU stop, go to the potty now. Hurry up and go potty, I want you to do it now... It has been 3 minutes go. I know I would not be able to do this, so why do we think kids can perform this way.When he is ready, he will lead the way and it will happen so quickly you will be amazed. Maybe give it a total rest for a month or 2. Our daughter really wanted to go by being at daycare and seeing her friends go.
So how can YOU be the one in control? What will it take for you to get to this? Do you need to find a new medication? Do you need help in your home? Do you need t lower some of expectation for others till you can be in control of your own feelings? If the adults in the house do not have it together, children are very perceptive, they will begin to react.
Children also thrive on schedules. They want it and feel safe with it..
3 year olds want to be big helpers. They also do not stop on a dime to do what others tell them, instead they need a few transitions, with a heads up.Also choices will allow him some control over the things YOU are willing to give him.
Example brushing teeth, "in 2 minutes we will go brush your teeth."
"Do you want the spiderman tooth brush or the blue sparkle tooth brush?" "Do you want me to sing the twinkle twinkle song while you brush or the abc song?" "Ok my turn, you brush my teeth, Ok now I get to brush your teeth.. "This sounds like a lot of time, but once this is the routine, brushing teeth will take 2 minutes, 3 at the most, but with no tantrums..
He does not want to eat, then he can sit there till the rest of you are finished, but no snacks till the next meal or he can wait till breakfast.. He will nor starve.. No comments or reactions. If he has a fit, ask him to go to his room, or carry him to his room and tell him he may come out when he quits crying.. Then DO IT. If he comes out and is still crying, tell him he is allowed to cry in his own room.
Do not react to his drama. You set the tone and expectations in you home. It takes a lot of control on your part That is why you need to figure out what you need first before trying to change everyone else. I have been on antidepressants for a long time and sometimes they need to be changed or increased or decreased.. Mental health is a change in the chemistry in your brain.. as we mature, we have different needs, Listen to your body.
Your family deserves to have the best of you and you deserve to feel good and be happy.
I am sending you strength.
Wow A., you have had a year! No wonder you are stressed out. First - forgive yourself - you are not traumatizing your child for life by making him wear underpants. LOL - no-one goes to high school in diapers - oh, he may decide to go "commando" but I still don't think that will be your fault.
You admit that things around the house got hinky after your Mother law in died - that is a huge huge trauma for all of you. Understandably everyone got off schedule and it is hell getting back onto a schedule. The key is consistency. Three is a stubborn age - at least it was for my boy. And you are in a power struggle with him - it happens. Try not to yell. I was and still am a yeller. LOL but I know that when mine was little all it did was scare him, not correct him. If you need to walk away and count to 10 then do it. Then go back and explain to him what he needs do to and have a consequence for noncompliance ready. Then follow through. Just to let you know - at 14 mine is not emotional scarred by my yelling. :)
Your three year old is old enough to understand basic do and don't so maybe make a picto list of things that he is expected to do. Sit on the potty, get dressed, etc. etc. I don't normally suggest rewards - but it sounds like it may work in this case - reward instead of punish - once the behavior begins to show consistent improvement ease off on the rewards in favor of verbal praise.
My son went through a phase of not wanting to get dressed in the morning. Having to get to work on time, and not wanting to fight, but needed to get my point across, I packed him a "go bag" with a complete outfit and stashed it in the car. The next time he refused to get dressed, I said "Okay"; got myself ready for work, picked him up in his PJs and put him in the car. He panicked - "I can't go to school in my pajama's". I calmly explained that he had lots of chances to cooperate and get dressed but that I had to go to work and he was just gonna' have to go to school in his PJs. So I dropped him off in his PJs - with the go bag. He got dressed at school and I never had a problem with him not getting dressed in the morning.
I know it is hard A., you have a lot going on. You will get through this. I'll keep you in my prayers. You are not a psycho Mom!!!!!!
I feel you, sister! It is so, so hard to take care of a 3 year old. I have a 3 year old, and I am pregnant with my second, and not that long ago I posted a question about his "odd behavior" that these fabulous moms here helped me to realize was actually normal behavior considering my situation...still, with all that, just yesterday I yelled at my son for the FIRST time when he acted out in the supermarket and started throwing things in the store. I felt and still feel so guilty about it.
Have you read 1-2-3 Magic? It really works, even though with a 3 year old and other circumstances happening in your life it will still be a challenge. I firmly believe in the 1-2-3 Magic method. I am like you, I have a husband that is quite docile and pretty much never disciplines him. After I put up my post about my son a few weeks ago I had a serious heart to heart with both my husband and my parents (who care for him quite a bit, and also do not consistently discipline). I let my husband know in no uncertain terms how his lack of desire to discipline was affecting me. I too suffered from PPD after my first and I am already feeling some anxiety about getting it again. I told him that I needed him to support me by stepping up to the plate and exerting discipline, and I offered that he read the 1-2-3 magic book, and I told him what it was all about. Last week, I ended up in the hospital with premature contractions due to stress and dehydration -- this was after I spent two exhausting nights chasing and attempting to manage my son all on my own, even though my husband was home. I think he finally got the message and has been helping out a lot more. As for my parents, I told them that if they do not make an attempt to discipline him he will worsen, and I brought up several examples, like how he was combative at bedtime, was hitting and even spitting me at one point (right after my parents had him for a weekend) -- I told them that with my pregnancy I cannot handle that type of stress, and, again, I needed them to take this seriously. I don't know if they got the message or not, they have not seen or watched my son since, but it certainly helped me to get the message out that others' failure to discipline my son has caused me undue stress and pressure that I don't need.
Finally, I am learning to understand my son's point of view, and accept that fact that he is struggling emotionally with my pregnancy and the fact that his life will change, but he does not know how yet. I would imagine, especially with the death of your beloved mom, he is struggling to come to terms with what all this means to him. I am sure he senses that you have sadness in your heart and it doing all he can to cope with this sea of emotions. I have been trying to let him know more and more that I love him, always and forever, and more than anything, I am learning that what my son needs from me is my time -- I don't think I even realized how much I was probably inadvertently reducing the amount of quality time I spent with him, becuase I was tired, or not in the mood to deal with his behaviors, whatever. I am finding that when I take a conscious effort to play with him more, read to him more, and just laugh more with him, his behavior improves a lot (even if just for a little while).
In addition to 1-2-3 magic, I subscribe to Scott Noelle's Enjoy Parenting. Check out the website -- it was recommended by a mom here and I have found it to be so useful when I have bad parenting day. It helps to remind that me that good or bad, my relationship with my son is a gift and I should always seek ways to be grateful of that, and to let him know that somehow.
I know it is so hard! But keep your chin up and know that you are not alone! Ask for help, let others know how you are feeling, and try your best to keep a bright attitude.
First I'm sorry for your family's loss.....
On to your question...you need to lower your expectations of your 3 year old. He is a normal 3 year old with typical behavior. I can't always get my 5 year old to do the things your asking of your 3 year old. And, your son isn't potty trained and that's ok. You and your husband are not the only ones who went through a traumatic event, your son did too. Cut him some slack.
Also, just realize that yelling only escalates the problem. Talking in a calm and collective manor, makes your son realize your still in charge. When you let your emotions flare, it only shows him so out of control you are.
Try for starters, just for one day not to yell. When asking him to do something, get down to his level with eye contact and tell him what you need him to do. Take away all distractions and give consequences if he doesn't complete the task. Then reward him with lots of praise when he completes the task.
Take it one day at a time. But most importantly, just realize from what your describing he sounds like a typical 3 year old.
My son can be a real handful so I can completely understand the urge to yell! You've received some great advice from other posters. Having a schedule so he'll know what to expect and having a plan for how I will respond if he tries to throw a wrench in the works is key (for me anyway. ) It's a rock to hang onto when I am at my wit's end.
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You are not a horrible mom; you are simply a woman trying to get through a difficult time. You are right though, yelling is not the answer. It makes all of you feel bad.
I completely agree with Kate B. Forget about the potty training for now. There is too much stress in the household. Your son will be potty trained eventually - who cares if it's right now, or not? Set limits and stick to them. That will help you get back into a routine whether you're working or not. We're big on giving choices (we use Love and Logic) such as do you want to brush your teeth first or get dressed first? This gives the child some control, but you still get them to do what needs to be done. If he refuses to get dressed, leave the clothes with him (if he can get dressed by himself) and say you'll see him when he's dressed. Then leave him alone. He will likely throw a tantrum, but you don't have to raise your voice at all. Once you've done this a time or two he will see you mean business and will likely begin cooperating.
I know this is much more difficult when you are struggling with trying to get off of Lexapro and dealing with grief and a husband who won't discipline as well. If you can get your husband on the same page where discipline is concerned it will make the years to come so much easier. I hope you can find some "me-time" also. You deserve it.
There's no way I had the time to read all that (sorry) but I love yelling, yelling is my favorite. I'm sure 90% of everyone will disagree with me. I am a loud person by nature. For some reason I was born with a gene that makes me truly believe that if I'm louder, the kids will listen more. (SO NOT TRUE)... but I can't help myself. It's almost like some kind of stress relief for me, to just let it all out... it really makes me feel better. BUT, putting the shoe on the other foot, if you're yelling at ME, I will laugh at you... because I know that bark is not as bad as bite. Now, if you quietly and calmly tell me that you're disappointed in me... I will bawl my eyes out and feel horrible for whatever it is that I've done. I know... I'm so backwards in this regard, but I still love yelling. It doesn't make you pyscho, it makes you loud :) And just the fact that you feel so awful about it probably means that you'll want to make a (quieter) change for the better going forward :) Brush it off... I'm sure your son has already forgotten about this. You're a great mom :)
I feel ya. My husband says i scream a lot and i made that my new years resolution not to yell. Ha i still yell. I have a 7 yr old that hasnt listened to me since she was 3. I have to constantly repeat myself and eventually scream at her. We had her hearing tested. Its fine! Her doctor said she has selective hearing. HA. She's a brat and drives me crazy. Good luck just know you are not alone.
