How Cooperative Are Your Kids?

I think some of it is normal, since kids don't necessarily have the same priorities that you do, but that does not mean it is not highly annoying. My daughter tends to stall, dawdle and get easily distracted almost every time I ask her to do something, like go in the bathroom and brush teeth, go in your room and get your pajamas on, etc. I don't think she means it to be disrespectful, there's just all of a sudden something she needs to tell me, something she has to look at it or pick up or start playing with, something that all of a sudden becomes way more interesting than whatever I've asked her to do, and it's a lot of repeating directions on my part to get her to stay focused and on task.

What works well with her when we are in more of a hurry is to just start counting to 3. I've used 1-2-3 Magic on her for most discipline issues and as long as you can follow through with a consequence if you get to 3, it might help. I can repeat myself until I am blue in the face, but as soon as I start counting "1..." she starts to hustle it along, because she knows that now I'm serious.

It is somewhat normal.
It's time they have some consequences.
When our son was 4 he sometimes dawdled.
I'd tell him to get his shoes on so we could walk to the playground for a bit before supper - and he ignored me.
So I let it go and then started making supper.
What was the point of my getting mad when he was the one who was missing an opportunity?
An hour and a half later he has his shoes on and is ready to go.
I had to tell him "Honey I'm sorry but we don't have time now. Supper is ready and it's getting dark. We can't go to the playground now. Next time you need to get ready when I tell you to and then we can go. If you listen to me, then we can do some fun things. If you don't listen to me then we can't. You have total control over this. By not listening to me you are getting in the way of your own fun.".
Sure there was lots of crying.
But next time I told him to get his shoes on - he got them on right away.
I still had to remind him sometimes of the time we could not go, but he knew he'd miss out if he didn't cooperate so he was much more cooperative from then on.

I was reading a parenting site the other day by some famous psychologist...i don't remember his name,...He says that discipline only works about 50% of the time. This is for any method, btw. So yes, I think kids are suppose to not be fully cooperative. They need to learn how to be independent beings, and if they didn't complain, protest, etc.they would just be like stupid puppies following us around.

I'm about ready to write up lists: these things need to be done before you can do play. I just get so sick of the reminders every morning "please get dress, have you brushed your hair? how about your teeth?" Over and over again. Maybe a check list will save us from the frustration. I don't know. I just keep thinking a list might help us in the morning. I can't really blame them, however, I like to sit around aimlessly in the morning for a good 1-2 hours before starting my day....

Hi J.,

I have been teaching parenting on and off for 20 years. The book rec below is great and the 1-2-3 technique is fabulous if it is used correctly and not over-used. I show the video at my classes.

Your kids are of great ages to start chores, listen to you and be respectful.

Do you work FT where you need to get them out of the house in the AM or are you home w/ them in the summer? If you work out of the house, have them have their clothes set out at night, put the cereal in a plastic bowl w/ a cover on the table at night, too. In the AM they are old enough to be putting ther pjs in the hamper, getting dressed by themselves and coming down for breakfast. When I used to work FT, the kids would get up 40 minutes before it was time to go. I would put the kitchen timer on when 10 minutes were left.... When it went off, that meant that I was setting the alarm and walking out of the house exactly 10 minutes later.

When I was home (SAHM), the kids got to pick 2 half hr shows a day, we went swimming alot, went to the park alot and I had a few set rules that I was consistent with. I would do one load of laundry a day...and after lunch, the kids had to put all their clothes a way before swimming could take place. There was a bedtime routine at night and lights went out at the same time every night...unless it was the 4th of July, etc...
If I went off of my routine, my kids would've just as well put video tapes in and sit down and watch them...

Some of the terrible tv shows actually "teach" children to disrespect adults. I remember a show that one of my kids wanted to watch. The young actress had a limo, was rich, was dressed well, in full make-up and talked like an adult. There weren't parents on scene regularly. I banned that show. We found one that was much more educational. In fact, I found the Brady Bunch Shows that week and watched a few of them. Kids were resectful, parents were on the scene, the language was so mellow compared to what I see on many of the shows today.
I always mention this to parents...

kids shouldn't be automatons, and they don't come out understanding compliance. so one has to be patient with the process, allow for personalities and daily snafus and frustrations, and allow a learning curve.
however, that doesn't mean (as it seems to for so many young parents) that it's okay to allow kids to ignore, disobey and disrespect you.
decide how long to allow for them to show up for breakfast after you tell them, and whether or not to give descending scales of warning (i suggest no more than two). then if they aren't there, they miss breakfast (they can make do with a handful of grapes or a protein bar.) if they don't go get dressed in the amount of time you've allotted, mommy will dress them as if they are babies. if she doesn't come to have her hair done, she either does it herself, or if that's not an option, perhaps she doesn't get to have the purple sparkly headband she loves.
natural consequences can and should be a natural part of the day's flow. it doesn't mean a big dramatic blowup each time, and it doesn't mean draconian rules. it just makes sense that if you don't work within a reasonable time frame, you don't get to enjoy your day in the same way that cooperative people do. one can be flexible with this without being squishy.
khairete
S.

Still pretty normal. You will tell them something a 100 times, before it becomes their own natural memory.

What worked best for our daughter was.. Never yell across the house. Go to the person and give them a direction. Make sure they are looking at you and understand what you are saying. It only takes a moment and your children will learn to walk to you, to speak with you too.

Each and every time they follow the direction on time and to your satisfaction, tell them. Thank you for getting ready so fast. Thank you for coming to the table on time. Children are pleasers and want to do a good job. Noticing it, helps a lot.

After a while these words will not sound staged, it will just be natural. It also will encourage them that their good behaviors are being noticed.

I also made sure that I gave a heads up. Saying put on your shoes right now.. Was not as great as saying, "Hey, we are leaving in 15 minutes, please put on your shoes so we can leave on time."

I also made sure that when she called for me, that I gae her a response, the way I expected her to respond to me. "Ok, I heard you, I will be there in a minute, once I put this laundry in the dryer."

"Thank you for the reminder, I will be ready in 5 minutes to take you to the party."

"Is this an emergency or can I have 3 minutes to brush my teeth and my hair?"

You model the behaviors that they will learn.

Most of the time, my six year old son is fairly compliant to directions and requests from me. It is, of course, a give-and-take situation. Which means that there has to be a mutual respect for each other and our own situations.

For example: if he asks me to do something for him and I expect him to wait until I finish something 'in just a minute', I also have to extend that courtesy to him and allow a moment of finish-up or transition time when I ask him to do something. I cannot expect behavior from him that I am not willing to give or model to him.

A few things are helpful...
Besides making sure we have transition time whenever possible, I might also have him look at my face and repeat my directions back to me, so that I KNOW he has heard what I've asked him to do.

When I am busy, I may give a direction with a timer, so he knows "it's time" without me having to hover. I get his attention and then tell him "When the timer dings, I need you to do XYZ. Now tell me-- what will you do when the timer dings?" and have him verbalize it back to me. If he doesn't respond to the timer, I might just poke my head in and say "uh-oh! The timer went ding but nothing happened! Oops! What are you supposed to be doing?!" Sometimes I'll have him race a timer, too, which he often thinks is pretty fun. "Timer challenge! I need you to go potty and brush your teeth in five minutes!"

I offer myself during times of lots of transitions. That is to say, when we have to do 'wash face, brush teeth, get jacket on' prep for an outing or school, I stay with him still and we do it together--esp when he's getting ready for something he isn't excited to do. My son is a sweetheart, and he's also easily distracted, either by what's around him or by his thoughts-- he's a kid who is very 'in his head'. So, knowing this is an area where he needs support, I offer it-- most esp. when we are getting ready for something he is NOT looking forward to doing.

Conversely, when it IS something that's a treat for him, I actually back off. There are natural consequences to be learned sometimes, and when you 'forget' that you were supposed to be getting dressed to watch a favorite tv program--- but then you get sucked into playing Legos and forget, there is sometimes a nice,built-in consequence. I really try to choose which situations require my hand-holding and which ones he has potential to learn from. (It's important to me that he's on time for school-- it's NOT important to me that he watch tv.)

We have worked on cheerful cooperation and attitude in earnest since November and it's really paid off. We record, on a chart, 100 dots... he earns dots for cheerful cooperation, being honest, being helpful on his own, or when we see an independent sense of responsibility. We offer lots of praising/positive feedback "Wow! Kiddo! You came to breakfast already dressed and picked out your clothes without being asked. That's quite a big kid thing to do. Three blue dots." or "Thanks for your cheerful cooperation when I asked you to tidy up your shoes... two blue dots"... I am not acknowledging the fact that he did what he was supposed to be doing, instead, I'm focusing on his good attitude. When we get to 100 dots, we do something fun together as a family because "your cheerful attitude is so pleasant to be around... we like spending this time with you".

I also try to use many of the techniques from Faber and Mazlish's book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk". This means that if I get a bunch of complaining when I ask him to do something, I might say "you know, this is what I need you to do right now, and I do hear you, so maybe later we can find a different way to do this next time." Then, when we are both in a non-transition/calm space, we can revisit the problem moment and make a better plan for next time. One of the things the book suggests is to use visual/written reminders whenever possible, esp. around regular conflicts. This is why task charts for daily responsibilities (eat breakfast, get dressed, brush hair, etc) can work well-- you refer the child to the chart (have them move a magnet down it as they complete the tasks or use as laminated chart with dry-erase marker as a checklist) and you just say "go look at your chart. What's the next thing to do?"

Lastly, and this is so true-- pay the most attention to the behavior you DO like and want to see more of. That's the behavior they will be more likely to repeat. I try to give as little attention to the complaining as I can (unless it warrants sending him to his room) and give positive feedback as often as I can for when he's doing well. So, both you and your husband are right-- dawdling and complaining are normal AND you can help your kids find that getting it together and doing what's asked has benefits, too. You might find that asking your kids to work as a team with short 'timer challenges' might help. "Hey kids! I have a timer set for ten minutes. If you can get dressed and bring down your clothes to the washing in that time, that can be 3 blue dots (I'd do a 'family' dot chart for multiple kids if I was working on this.) "

These are just ideas which work for us-- only you know what will work for your family. I should add, too, that besides the natural consequences of missing out on some things, I may have a couple other consequences-- whining and foot dragging usually gets one warning "If you are so tired you can't do what I am asking, then you will lose your stay-up time, because I will think you need more sleep for tomorrow" (he has a privilege of staying up to play quietly for an hour after bedtime stories) or "I have had to spend five minutes of my time today reminding you to do what's asked when you are very able to do it and are choosing not to. So, I need you to give me five minutes of your time now" and have him do a chore or something else that's not quite pleasant. "If you cannot follow directions now, you're going to have to trade me time" often encourages him to get moving and not get himself in that situation. Good luck!

Well, kids are not perfect.
Neither are adults.
But kids are put at a steeper criteria for behavior, than many adults are.
But still, kids are kids, but unless the balking/complaining/taking forever to do things is constant, I don't think it is a big problem.

Are there times when your kids are, great/nice/compliant/positive???
If so and they are this way the majority of the time, then good.

Which... do your kids do the MAJORITY of the time?-
balk/complain? Or, cooperate?
Do they ever do anything? Or do they just balk/complain/not cooperate ALL the time?

So with my kids who are 6 and 10... I have on occasion NOT responded to them... when they call me for anything.
I put the shoe on the other foot.
And then THEY realized... how it feels.
I didn't do it in a snide way. But I did it. In a non-nagging quiet way.
And they learned.

My boys are the same ages. Most days they are pretty cooperative, but other days it's like they want to test the water or pretend they can't hear.

I bought "Back to Basics Discipline" on Amazon, as recommended by another Mamapedia mom. It really helped bring things back into perspective about how kids should act. What this means is that while their behavior may be "normal" by today's standards, it is by no means acceptable. I followed the author's advice, took a stand, and pulled the reins back in.

I am quite strict and used to follow the "1-2-3 Magic" method. However, I realized that kids should not get 3 chances to do things they should be doing the first time! It is exhausting repeating oneself endlessly. I suggest buying the "Back to Basics" book, reading it with your husband so that you're both on board, and get the kids where you want them to be.

Good luck! :)

My kids were pretty easy going from about three until they hit middle school age. But *I* was fairly easy going too. I never "did" their hair (my girls had little low maintenance bobs until they were old enough to brush it out themselves, around 5 and 6, and my son's hair was short and didn't really need much more than a good washing every day.) I also didn't insist that they eat breakfast simply because they are pretty much like both my husband and I, eating a full meal before about 10 AM makes us nauseous. Luckily my kids all had snack recess around 10:15 so I was able to pack them food and they ate heartily at that time.
Other than getting dressed and brushing teeth there were few demands in the morning. Since they wanted to watch TV they were VERY motivated to be "ready" well before it was time to leave and it was rarely a problem.
Would that work with your kids, no TV until the morning routine is done?

Ugg yes it's frustrating. I have some tactics that work but I think it comes with maturity and consequences for not moving their butts LOL

J.:

They do it because you ALLOW them to do it. You allow them to lolly-gag. You allow them to manipulate the situation so that you feel compelled to yell.

Getting ready for school? The night before they show you their clothes that they are wearing the next day - all of it - shoes, socks, underwear, bottom, top or dress. Lunches are ready as well.

Make them responsible for their hair. Stop doing stuff for them. You give them ONE chance to let you help them and if they don't? Let it go. Stop fighting them. Every time you fight with them about stuff like this - they win.

Rules. Get them set up. Post them.

give them alarm clocks. Set them and make them turn 'em off. Let them know what time you are heading out the door in the AM and what will be done BEFORE you walk out the door. Give them a 5 minute warning. If they haven't had breakfast - too bad. Still in PJs? Too bad. Trust me - it won't happen again.

You need to be the parent. You are NOT their friend. You and your husband need to be on the same page. While I understand some of this is normal, once you set the rules and follow them? They will tow the line.

When I am getting mad? I count. My kids know that when I start counting from FIVE down to ZERO. IF i get to zero? Life is NOT good for them. They move.

So you need to stop allowing this behavior. Set the rules. Set the consequences for NOT following the rules. And get everyone on the same page. Yes, it might take a week for them to realize you are serious. But they WILL realize you are serious. Do NOT allow them to lead. YOU are the parent. I'm serious about the breakfast and PJs - it will ONLY take ONCE for them to go without breakfast in the AM and they will NOT make the same mistake again.

Good luck!