How to Stay Sane with a Three Year Old at Home?? :(

Those terrible twos that you thought you skipped... Nope, they were just a little late. Lol

Unfortunately you just have to keep up with the discipline... Do not give in to tantrums. Continue to make him stay home, continue to leave an outing right away.

I nanny a 3 year old and here's what I do with her (And it didn't start out this way, it's just come to this after MANY tantrums and whining and other misbehaving). She rarely eats her food without a fight (Even if it's something she likes). So now the rule is she has to continuously eat until it's gone. The first time she stops (To whine or to play with her food or whatever) she gets a warning. After that, she either has to be eating or in the corner. If she stops eating to whine or to play with her food she goes in the corner until she decides that it's time to eat again. Same with picking up toys. If she stops picking up the toys to whine or to play, she goes in the corner until she decided that it's time to pick up toys again. She still throws the tantrum but it's cut out on time spent continuously telling her to do things.

I have learned, and even with my almost 12-year old, to NEVER ask a question to which the child may answer "no." For example, do not say "Do you want to go upstairs and get dressed?" Instead, you tell them what's up. "We're going upstairs now to get dressed...do you want to go first or follow me?"

Like other mamas said, give limited choices. Don't ask too many questions. Never try to reason a plead. Give until 3 for compliance. I still have to give until 3 for compliance on some things! Your son doesn't need to know about why he needs to brush his teeth--he doesn't care!! And he's not listening anyway.

Sometimes you just have to let things go. There was a child that often came to daycare in his PJs with his mom carrying his socks and shoes. He gave her so much trouble getting dressed that she just gave up. You know what? It was FINE! He was not allowed to go outside with his PJs on, so we asked Mom to bring his clothes in a bag. Then he either sat in the director's office while his classmates were outside or he put his clothes on. He grew out of that in a few months because he realized that refusing to get dressed didn't change the outcome. He still had to go to preschool.

Sometimes you may send your child to preschool without his teeth brushed or his hair combed. Just pick your battles for your own sanity.

I also found that putting the reward at the END really helps. I still do it with our almost 12-year old. She is not allowed to watch ANY TV, play with any toys, or pick up any electronics until she is completely dressed and ready to go for the day. Even at age 12 if she starts watching TV or playing her iPod she will give us trouble when it comes to getting ready. We also do all chores in the morning before any fun is to be had, or else she will give us trouble about doing them AFTER the fun.

It's okay to offer your son a treat of some kind when he complies, even if it's just 15 minutes of TV. Talk to him about the reward in a C. voice, letting him know how many more things need to be done before the reward.

Good luck mama! You're not alone!

Whoa...... please go out right now and buy the first copy of whatever love and logic you can get your hands on. There are a couple, but I think it doesn't matter. Then implement ONE of the techniques TODAY. Doesn't matter which one. ONE TODAY.
Then ONE next Saturday. etc.

I think you will find it helpful.

Welcome to three. I call it the middle finger age. Sweet, adorable children start giving you the finger, with a grin on their face-- this is all metaphorical, but it captures the spirit of independence of 3. It is their mission to start power struggles, so it then becomes our mission to walk away. TOs are very important at this age, as is being sent to their room until they want to cooperate. I put whiners in their room as well, and kids that throw tantrums.

It's a fun age. To have fun, make sure you LO is getting lots of sleep and food. Distraction is great. One minute they are adamant they won't brush their teeth, after one book, they forget about it and are more willing. So you have to use this to your advantage.

This is the age where it is very important to establish yourself as the adult in the relationship. Be firm, and patient and eventually it will get better. Good luck. Most of us Moms have been there too.

I was just at this stage. They are trying to exert their newfound independence.
Make things easier on yourself! Work with the current not against it.
Distract him, tell him there will not be any fun today until he gets dressed
& you go.
Get his clothes ready BEFORE you try to get him dressed.
Take him up there, get him dressed quickly. I talk to my son telling what
fun thing we are about to do or if it's an errand that we have to get done.
In regards to teeth brushing, I've told him if he doesn't brush his teeth the
cavity monsters come to live in his teeth & his trip to the dentist will not
be good.
I do try to make things fun when I can.
Other times, it is just business & I get things done quickly.
I work quickly.
I do use a stern voice when necessary.
While they are trying to test their freedom, we the parents must set limits.
But within reason. There is no reason to be an ogre. Just reasonable.
I explain why we have to go to the bank. The upside? The bank gives out
a lollipop. A small treat for a little person that is dragged along on boring
what-seems-endless errands.
Sometimes we stop off at a park for a few mins or end our errands w/lunch or a quick stop off at a favorite place of his.
Right now trying to distract him w/things may not work & it feels like
history is repeating itself every single day but it's just a phase.
Work w/it not against it.
Do I ever lose my cool or get mad? Yes but I remind myself I'm the adult
& know what needs to be done. He is a child & is at the mercy of my
errands.
Try to remain calm but use your firm voice when necessary.
It's a passing stage. It's a necessary part of growth. Our job is to guide it.
Let go what of what you can, stay firm on what is necessary.

Two things that will not make a dent in this behavior: Time outs, and screaming. So cross those off your list for now. I have only seen time outs be effective in rare easy children OR well-disciplined children who have good self-control so they comply with the time out because they know serious discipline looms next if the time out doesn't suffice OR older kids in play dates who will really be disappointed to be removed from something fun-so much so that the warning or ONE time out suffices in stopping the behavior. But they're a pointless technique in three-year-olds who are off the rails, and worst of all, they enable tantrums, because kids can sit in the time-outs and throw tantrums.

And whenever you scream, you just teach him to get used to you screaming. He learns that he still doesn't have to alter his behavior. Stay swift and calm in your delivery of firm consequences.

This is a VERY IMPORTANT PHASE. Some say three is the cut-off for gaining control, but definitely five is outer limits or you're in for tough teen years.

Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. I have a firmer book too if you PM me and you want an even quicker change in behavior. In the long run you might not demand a child who has excellent behavior and totally minds whatever you say, and you can loosen up if that's the case...but you need to get some major control first because this child has no idea you are his authority figure and he is frustrated with his own lack of boundaries and is acting out severely. I'm amazed he has managed to act this way without MAJOR ramifications from you, but that's why he is doing it.
For example, you say he throws a tantrum at the mall so you leave immediately so he understands the consequences of his actions? The theory that leaving places is a consequence is a myth. The only one punished by that is you from the waste of time and gas you took to get to the mall. He hasn't learned how to behave for the next time. Walking out of a mall, getting into a comfy car, and going to a comfy home, all while tantruming as long as he wants....where is the discipline in that? What if he wanted to leave the mall in the first place? He'll know what to do next time you go....When my children attempted their first public tantrums they got the same calm warning they got at home, and when they pushed the issue, they were disciplined in the bathroom and made to continue the errand nicely. They knew I would repeat if necessary, so they didn't do it twice (well my most difficult took a little repetition). They all go everywhere with me without incident now-they have no choice. They would NEVER have the power to make me abort necessary errands. You're letting him run you ragged, momma. You need your energy and once you get his behavior on track you can enjoy peaceful, enjoyable time with him and then scale back to gentler styles.

Don't allow the tantrums the book tells you how to nip them.

Woah this one is long my dear! Lol

My child just turned 3 last month and she does some of the things your child does. I realize that asking her won't do us any good. Instead of "do you want to go potty?" I just pick her up and make her sit. She hates it until i allowed her to flush the toilet on her own,wipe her behind (#1 only of course),well basically just making her think its her own doing and mommy did nothing to help! Lol with the teeth, well, some days good and some are bad. Her daddy just taught her to spit and thats what makes her excited - spitting!

The bottom line is:
- implement with no excuses
- make it fun
- consistency
- figure out the best situations to allow her to make the decisions (very important) and when its best to just do what mommy says JUST BECAUSE. Goodluck

Forgive me if this is off base, as it was hard to read your long post.

I think you need a routine, and you need to figure out a way to guide him through his day, even if it's not exactly militarily precise a schedule. You are going out. Give him a 5 minute warning. Then if he's upset, you still put on his shoes and march him out the door. He won't brush his teeth? Loud compliance, as long as his mouth is open. Give him specific and limited choices. Do you want red shoes or blue shoes? No shoes is not an option. If he starts to dictate your actions or your day say, "No. Now it is my turn to go up the stairs. You need to get your clothes on. Please do the right thing and come get dressed."

Sometimes, go run him at the park or playground. Try to plan things when he is not likely to be tired or hungry. Be armed with snacks. Ignore the tantrums.

Talk to his teachers about how he behaves in school and recognize that many kids take a month or more to really fit in. If he didn't start the year with the other kids, he may be in a big adjustment phase that they are not.

My daughter was also an easy 2, but began to try and seize her independence at 3. What had worked before for us no longer worked! And I totally feel your pain on the whining - that really pushes my buttons too.

Here are a few things I learned, through books, a parenting class, and some trial and error. Perhaps some of them will apply to your situation:

Children need to be able to make some of their own choices, at a level that is appropriate for them. At 3, I picked out 2 or 3 outfits and let my daughter choose one. She was more cooperative in getting dressed then because I gave her an appropriate amount of personal power.

I also made her a morning and evening sticker chart. They were super simple, and I drew pictures instead of words (just stick figures, nothing fancy!). Morning tasks were brush teeth, get dressed, go potty. Bedtime tasks were brush teeth, pick up toys, put on jammies. She loved putting her stickers on and felt proud of her accomplishment. At the end of the week I had special sparkly or puffy stickers for the chart.

I joined the YMCA. The exercise and the time alone (I was also a SAHM) helped me keep my sanity on a regular basis, not just when my workaholic husband had time to give me a break. If I was really losing it (and sometimes I really was) I had somewhere to go to get the break I needed. I figured an hour a day away from my daughter was worth it if it made me a better mom and I felt calmer and happier. And I took her swimming afterwards - the water was soothing for her.

Also I started getting really militant about bedtimes, mealtimes, snacktimes, etc. My daughter gets really difficult when her blood sugar drops - I have to feed her something about every 2 hours. And she really needs downtime too, like reading quietly with mommy or coloring, especially if she has had a busy morning. The parenting class taught me to ask myself in the moment, "is she hungry? tired? overstimulated? needing my attention?". Too much sugar, or junky food with artificial ingredients, will affect her behavior too.

I hope something in there is helpful - I know what it feels like to be home alone with a whiny child! You are obviously a good mom who cares enough to seek solutions, so I'm sure your son will be just fine. Best of luck to you. :)

I'm sorry. It is such a hard stage to be in. My son just turned 4 and we still have bad days. I stay home with him too and it seems to get worse when his sister is gone at school. I agree with a PP about walking away. The natural consequence of acting this way is that I don't want to be around you, so I walk away. When he gets older you can send him to his room too....that is what I do with my DS. When chooses to whine or get crabby he gets to spend alone time in his room.

Establish yourself as the parent and walk away from the tantrums but also reduce tantrums by picking your battles. He does not want to get dressed.. walk away for 5 minutes and try again. Does not want to wash his hands grab the hand sanitizer, come up behind him and grab his hands and rub it on. Don't drive yourself nuts picking all these battles to try and win all day. Not forcing him to wash his hands when he is 3 will not drive him away from washing his hands the rest of his life.

Oh and give lots of choices. Do you want to go upstairs first or me? Do you want to wear this shirt or this one. Then they feel empowered but you still have control.

Make a game out of things. "I'm going upstairs, you wanna race?" Let's see how fast you can get in your car seat - wow that's fast.

I also give 2 tries before I force something. They refuse to get into their seat - I say "you have till 3 to get in your seat or I'm putting you in your seat" Count 1 - 2 - 3 "ok I'm doing it now" then I grab them and force them. Once my kids knew I would do it, I rarely got to 3, as they wanted to do everything their-self.

Good luck - 3s are exhausting. My 3rd child is going to be 4 in a couple weeks and I am so glad I never have to go through the 3s again.

You do not reason with a 3 year old. You make the rules. No time-outs either. Time outs are for kids acting goofy during karate class and need to sit out until they can participate appropriately. They are not for 3 year olds. Screaming and spanking does not work either. He sounds very irritable and unhappy as well, truthfully. Is he eating, sleeping, and pooping properly? Is he getting physical exercise? I think he senses you are stressed and that is making him anxious. Did the behavior start before preschool? I get the impression it did. First, start allowing him to make choices. Do you want to wear this shirt or this shirt? Do you want this or this for dinner? He sounds like he wants to control things, so let him control things like this. Let him have SOME choices but then you need to take him physically and make him do other things (gently of course). At teeth brushing time you give him 1 or 2 warnings, then say "Let's brush our teeth now!" and you take him and do it. Ignore the tantrum, not the child. Does he need to be held to calm down? Does he need to be alone? You are the mom and you know what it takes to calm down without giving in. How is he doing in preschool?

When my girls got that way, I realized that they were pulling a little for their own independence. So I'd give in a little, but then we'd turn it into sort of a game. Just take a piece of notebook paper each morning & make a list of what needs to get done(but do it together, have him tell you the things as you jot it down) & have him put a sticker by each one done. I'm doing this w/the 2 yr old I watch now & when he acts up, simply remove one of the stickers. Actions = Consequences - they catch on real quick when they see their stickers disappearing. Then figure out some type of reward system. Jayden's is jellybeans! If he had a good day, he gets a jellybean. It gives them the instant gratification they need to do something. You can also just doodle on the top of it the day of the week like they have at his school, with the date & the weather. It'll maybe get him a little more into the routine of school. Best of luck to you.

You don't stay sane with a 3-year-old at home. :)
Our 3-year-old became IMPOSSIBLE and I felt bad our interactions dissolved into yelling, power struggles, etc. Not so wholesome. So, I signed him up for preschool full-day every day except Tuesday. I knew he'd be better off there and the teachers wouldn't just yell. It's great! He gets a wholesome experience and he is well-behaved at school.
Sure, he can still be whiny at home sometimes. I don't feel guilty if he watches at hour of TV since he played hard all day at preschool, no tv.
And our time together is more sane, now. Before, it was too much time on our hands.

I might be late to this party. two things we do with our 2.5 y.o. which you might use in your bag of tricks are-
1. get out of the house. our very active boy needs some run around time. It makes us all that much happier.
2. consider a full day of day care. some kids barely get settled in before the 1/2 day is over. Not much good for anyone.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.