Moving in Together...

S.,

I am not going to lecture you on marriage it was something that took me a LONG time to come to terms with and finally do, so I totally understand what you are going through. Me and my current husband lived together unwed for 4 years with children. I do not see any issues with living with a partner, people do it all the time now days and it is becoming more common.

We both had children proir to us moving in together but our kids too very well to each other, as well as to the other partner being in the house. I didnt have any hardships with living with him and his children, it was more of a relief to have an extra hand if I needed it.

I will tell you if your happy, and he is wanting to be part of your child(rens) lives then to go for it. You need to be happy, and if having him there makes that happen the go for it!!

Good luck to you, and I wish you the best!

C.

I've come to the conlusion that I don't believe in marriage either and I don't believe in hell, so you shouldn't worry about that. I am 26, almost 27 and I have two girls, 2 and 3(single mom). I worry about the same thing. I have been single a year and haven't dated anyone. I think kids are just temperamental. She might have ups and downs because she is used to having you to herself, but eventually, she will warm up to it. My mom met my step-dad when I was 11. They dated a year or so, then we moved in with him. Everything went great. As long as you are happy with him and she likes him, there shouldn't be a problem or any guilt.

S.,
I am not in your situation, but I have been in your childs situation. My Mom was single while I was growing up and dated several men...one of which moved in with us when I was about 7. He was a jerk, and smoked, and was very tempermental...so my brother and I ended up locking ourselves in our rooms most of the time. My Mom worked alot, so she didn't really know what was going on, and he was a postal carrier, so was home by the time we were out of school. If he would've been a great guy, I'm sure it would of been great! Just having a "dad" around would be wonderful. I have a real Dad, but he was in another state, and I spend summers with him. My Mom ended up marrying a different guy when I was 13, he was a good guy, but since I was 13, he was EVIL! I think if you're going to do it, now is a good time, but ONLY, if your daughter loves the guy, and he loves your daughter...if not, it will not be good for her. I don't think the marriage thing is important at all, and agree that a commitment can be made without a "legal" agreement. Hope everything works out for you!! :)
K.

Hi S.,

First of all, this is only a decision that you can make. :) You will make the right one. Just think about it and decide as a family. If you go into it with the right attitude, it can work. I can tell you that it is not easy, but it can be rewarding. It just takes a lot of work to live with someone. Blessings to you and your family. :)

Katherine

I think the response from Kara S is very good. Check out this link about living together http://www.citizenlink.org/FOSI/marriage/A000000982.cfm

The following excerpt is from Dr. James Dobson, Physchologist:

"Studies show that living together before marriage creates problems, while marriage has emotional as well as physical benefits.

Statistics indicate that 40 percent of couples who live together break up before they marry. Research also shows that living together is correlated with a greater likelihood of unhappiness and domestic violence, as well as lower levels of satisfaction in the relationship.

Children are also more likely to be abused by their mother's cohabiting boyfriends than by her husband, even if the boyfriend is their biological father. Additionally, if a cohabiting couple eventually marries, they report lower levels of marital satisfaction and a higher propensity to divorce.

Married couples, on the other hand, live longer, healthier lives, are less prone to alcoholism, enjoy greater emotional support and have the highest levels of sexual pleasure and fulfillment. "

One of the reasons this is, is because before people cohabitate, they only think about how they are getting along at present. Then they get surprised when they don't get along living togther. Then they are trapped in a relationship which they didn't realize is every bit as serious as marriage. So it's harder to back out than they thought. When people marry, they think more reastically about the relationship they are entering into and are less prone to making a rash decision, because there is all that planning to do! Then, because of this, they have made a better decision.

The other thing to think about it your daughter and YOU need a partner for you that's permanent. Going in and out of relationships would deteriorate the respect of her towards you eventually, even if it's not your fault he left. I've seen cases where the boyfriend left and the child because angry, withdrawn and had all of the same problems that it would have had if the couple were married. Marriage gives the stamp on that permanence. Makes a better chance for it to happen. It is a "contract" that says to you, your partner "we are going to commit to being together for the rest of our lives". If you can't make that commitment with a child, it's best not to cohabitate. This is very important especially where children are concerned. In the event if your partner leaves, it's going to feel exactly like a divorce whether or not you have officially got the "papers" of marriage.

So, may as well have the legal contract. Plus it gives a message to your daughter that this is more than just a live-in situation. It gives your daughter the message that our lives are not to be lived so lightly - that we need to make commitments. So it's mentally healthier for your daughter as well and will help HER make better decisions and not give herself to men lightly when SHE gets older. You want her, when she gets to be old enough to marry to not flit in and out of relationships. This is very harmful to a woman's self-esteem and soul.

You didn't mention why you want to live with a "mate" without being married. It's harmful to the family unit -it's the woman that loses in most cohabitation, because we are more emotional and committed in our relationships, especially if we have a physical relationship than the man. No marriage contract means to him he can leave whenever he wants. Then the woman ends up living in poverty with her children "holding the bag" so to speak.

God is merciful and LOVES mankind. You are made in the image of God. That's the main thing you need to know about ORTHODOX Christianity. No one in Orthodox Christianity would EVER tell ANYONE they are going to hell. We rely on the love of God for everything. I've done worse things than cohabitate with someone in the past, and would never tell anyone they're going to hell. Thank God we have confession so I can get rid of old bad stuff. Please don't judge Christianity on a few crazy people with bigger mouths than brains. God knows us well, knows us better than we know ourselves and loves us anyway.

From my own experience it never worked out. Who gets hurt the hardest is the children involved. If he can't make a commitment of marriage then how do you know your giving your child a solid childhood etc... We as moms set the examples for our children, we set values. What we do and what we think is OK our children will also. I would really spend somemore time deciding on what kind of example you want to set for your children???

Hope that helps. I have been a single mom of four for the last five years.

My now husband and I lived together for a year before we got married because we had our son (surprise!). In November we will have been together for 6 years even though we have only been married for one of those years. He is wonderful to me and our son (we have number 2 due in a few weeks). He never beat me or our child, has always proved to be responsible and has always put our family first. He didn't become a great guy when we got married. He was a great guy when I married him. If we hadn't gotten married I would still be living with a wonderful person who cares very much for me and our children. If you and your partner feel the same way about not getting married then I don't think you have a problem. However, if one of you wants to get married while the other is just as committed to the relationship but doesn't want to get married ( for whatever reason) then you are setting yourself up for disaster because the person who wants the marriage will become resentful when the marriage doesn't happen. However, if you both share the same views on marriage than I don't think you will have a problem. You will have to explain to your daughter eventually why you have chosen not to get married because she will certainly have a different family situation than her friends and will eventually ask questions about it. However, if your partner is as loving and as caring towards you daughter as you seem to be I think she will be just fine. Make sure you decide before your partner moves in about how to raise your daughter. What kind of authority does your partner have in discipline issues, financial supprt, etc? Also, make sure you protect yourself and your daughter in case something unforseen happens (your partner runs out, dies suddenly, etc). Without being married you probably will not qualify to benefit from your partner's life insurance or things like that. Make sure you keep a personal bank account so that you have resources for you and your child if something happens. No one likes to think about the worst case scenarios, but it is much better to be prepared for them, then to catch yourself unprepared. You may find that you benefit from premarital counseling or premarital classes, because even though you and your partner have no plans to get married you still are joining your two lives and should discuss the same things any couple get married would. Best of luck!

First and foremost remember you are the Mom and you make the decisions. Your daughter will adjust to you having someone move in with you guys. I would talk to her and explain that there will be changes and that she has to try and make it work. If she has any problems to make sure that she knows you will always listen.
Moving someone in is a big decision, Im sure as you KNow. Just make sure your daughter knows you still love her(she may need some reasurance) as her whole world is changing.
Best of luck to you and your daughter!!