Mother-in-law Issues - Land O Lakes,FL

Gael's run comment made me laugh. If you think she's going to be living with you next year, you might want to clear things up during this trip. It might make the transition next year a little easier. I would try to keep the lines of communication open and have a talk with her. Maybe build her up and let her know how much you appreciate her coming and helping out when she did. But let her know that you AND your husband have decided that you will stay home. There are just some things you are going to have to agree to disagree on, especially when it comes to cultural things.

As far as living with you, be ready. My dad moved in with us and it was tough for awhile as we adjusted to living together. My dad is very conscious about it and is always worrying about being in the way. He was used to living by himself and there was an adjustment period of getting into a new "normal." Every now and then we have to talk to my dad again about how he's not a burden. I can tell when he gets uncomfortable and thinks he's bothering us.

My mil lives with my bil and his family. They turned their garage into a really, really nice apartment for her. She has her own entrance. It's fully equipped with a small kitchen and living area, separated bedroom, and a full bathroom. We'll be moving soon and we plan on doing that with a garage for my dad. I really think he would be happier if he had his own space. So that's something to keep in mind with your mother-in-law.

Hi K.,

I'm a US born, first generation (caught between american and traditional asian culture)Filipino American SAHM to a beautiful 3yo little girl, married to a Polish American(caucasian) husband and also live in Land O Lakes.

Regarding your MIL, it's not a matter of Asians being overly sensitive or unable to take criticism, like another responder stated. It's a matter of feeling a part of the family, feeling respected, feeling like a contributor and being productive. By all means, take advantage of your MIL's willingess but like other responders said, with your husband's participation/buy-in/support, set the ground rules up front. Your MIL will appreciate it and will respect you more for it in the long run.

Sit down and have a conversation with your MIL. Let her know how much you respect and value her, how much you appreciate her willingness to help and how grateful you are that you have the opportunity to have her be there with you. Then let her know that you're also very grateful that you and her son have the opportunity for you to stay at home with your son and that you want take every advantage of it while you can. That it's important to you to build a strong bond and foundation with your son. Employ your husband to help you think of some things that you can share with her that she can do to best help you, her son and grandson...include some things (that you know she can handle) she can do with her grandson so she has the opportunity to bond with him as well...after all, I'm certain there will be times when you'll want to take a break just to...take a shower, go to the bathroom, have a meal in peace... ;-) Later, as you and she become more confident in her comfort handling your son for greater lengths of time, you may want to take advantage of the opportunity and leave him for longer...maybe so you and your husband can have a "date night". If she feels like you're including her and making her feel like she's part of the family and not just a burden or house guest, you'll win her over and gain a valuable resource.

Grandparents(if you're lucky to have them), are generally very proud and doting, regardless of race/culture. At times, they step beyond the rules we set for our family, which can be frustrating. But isn't that what grandparents do? If they aren't being undermining, harmful and it only happens on ocassion, why not let a grandparent be a grandparent? After all, your child will look to you for to set the rules and for guidance. Grandparents have already done their parenting stint. Now they're just looking to enjoy themselves and have fun with their grandchild. Besides, your MIL raised your husband. She must've done something right if you married him.

It is sometimes challenging...speaking from experience with a very involved, demanding Asian mother but, it does get better if you lay the groundwork up front. Best of luck to you and your family! Let us know how it works out.

Liza

RUN....thats all I can say...no, just kidding....well I can relate to you on a certain level here. When I had my youngest my MIL came here for a week to help. Duting the day while my hubby was at work she didnt do anything but watch tv, never offered to do a thing for me. But when it was time for my hubby to get home she would start doing all sorts of things...and than proceed to tell him how busy she was...so I was happy to see her go. I wasnt surprised though because my MIL is not maternal..not even close.. she has 3 sons and only my hubby talks to her and he hasnt even done that in about a month. She is a hard "pill to swallow" as they say. I hope it all works out for you with the MIL. Bless you for letting her live with you next year...I could never do that.. UGH...always here to listen if you need someone too...GOOD LUCK.

been there been there... man this brings back memories i actually asked for help on here when i was going through issues with her. mine was there during delivery and when we came home...she might as well have been the mother...but anywho mine is kind of now/was worst then yours. So here is how i dealt with it. And maybe you could do the same... make a list of all the things she did wrong last time, the things which bothered you write them down. now your husband already knows so don't include him in this. The next time she shows up do it like on the 3day or 4th day. When the baby is sleeping tell her..."mom could we go in the room for a second id like to talk to you about some things"...this way just like any other child would think she knows she's done something wrong. When you go in the room it should be just you and her...don't include anyone else in it...i mean who'd like to be confronted about something they did wrong in front of anyone else right?...so once you have her in the room close the door shut....so shut that no light can come in through that door...this way she'll pay attention and not worried about who's joining in the conversation on the next room...so after this lay the things down start buy sweeting her up really good tell her how wonderful she raised your husband, and you wish to do the same with yours, and what a great help she is...if you can't think of anything write some good things about her a head of time before the talk so this way once you have her all sweetend up then you can say..."BUT.....when you do this...then this happens/i feel this way..." then close it by saying...."im letting you know all of this because i want to be closer to you and i don't want to have any hard feelings for you, so i hope you understand and we'll consider what ive said"......just remember one day we're going to be mother in laws as well so might as learn from their mistakes right..? besides you haven't set ruls for her yet, just like any child..or husband and wife relationship you talk about what one should do and not do...you compromise...at the end of the day you'll have a friend and not someone who's bothering you. May it be easy on you. the best wishes!

Hi K.,
My mother-in-law is Vietnamese...so I partly know your pain. Both of my own (Caucasian) parents have past away, so when I had my first son 2 yrs ago, it bothered me so much how "involved" she wanted to be. I also live in Land O' Lakes, and my in-laws live in Tampa about 20 minutes away so they were constantly coming over or asking that I come there. My father-in-law is caucasian, so he was some help with mediating with his wife. I felt so bad for my poor husband who felt like he was in the middle of it all. I would complain to him, he would complain to his Dad and then the Dad would have to think of a "gentle" way to tell his wife to back off. Of course she would stay stuff like, "you don't think I know what I am doing?" and cry. I totally think that is a cultural thing. To this day, my husband has to walk on egg shells if we want her to do something or say something differently. As far as the advice part for you, I personally just came to the realization that I am the mom and I am in charge of what is said and how it is done. Just last night, I couldn't get my sone to eat while we were visiting them, so I had to be a little drill seargent and tell him not to cry, squeeze his hand, etc. I could tell my MIL was pacing and very uncomfortable. In the past, she would have just gotten out a thing of pudding or given him a spoonfull of ice cream between the hot dog bites so he would eat. She knows I would have none of that. I just stood my ground and it made me feel better knowing that I was in charge of the situation. That is what you need to do. I know you need to respect her, but it doesn't mean you have to give in. I think the asian culture is very sensitive and incapable of taking critisism very well. This might be where you have to employ your husband to help explain things to her. My husband had lived with his mom until he was 21yo so he knew how she operated. It puts him in the middle unfortunately, but he will realize that a happy wife means a happy husband. Good luck with your visit, and just try to stand your ground.