Mother-in-law Overbearing/comments Issue

Hey C.! Tough issues. Your mother-in-law is meaning to act out of love and care for her grandchild, so try to keep that in mind. People speak out of what's in their own heart. She obviously has some issues with fear and acceptance. Don't take it personally, certainly. It hasnothing to do with you, but her. I've found that when my mother-in-law FEELS accepted and loved by me she is very open to criticism and honest comments. Try to appreciate and encourage her in the things she does well. Then you can ask about the other stuff. "Hey, Mom, explain to me why you're worried about him crying?" Really listen and try to hear what she's saying behind the words she uses. Try to get her to see maybe how illogical her fears are (let her come to the conclusions) and assure her you are doing your best, love the child, and love that she wants to be a part of his life too.

Sorry this is so long. I've worked through a relationship with my mother-in-law, who is so different from me and many of the same issues. We have such a terrific relationship now and she is the BEST grandma! She really loves my kids!

Pray for wisdom and patience with her!!!

I think you told us about it very tactfull and I feel if you told her your are not trying to hurt her but............You are confident as a mother and that you have kept him alive and well for 7 months now, you must be doing something right, maybe she will back off a bit. And that he has to learn to get backup, wether sitting or standing.

My mother in law passed shortly after my son was born its my mom that drives me crazy, She always wants him to herself, and acts as though I had had him just for her. We had a difficult pregnancy and I am very over protective of him. When I am not around she wants to treat him with alot of pink girly things which I don't understand but whatever floats her boat when he comes home I get him back to normal. She used to correct me at her house for telling him no, she told me whatever he wants when he is here. SO I gave him a rock and told him to go color grandmas car(She stopped him before he started)she doesn't overstep that line anymore. Ultimately these are our children and we are the boss so to speak, I think parents need to understand that sometimes in my case I think my mom is trying to make up for all the things she didn't do right when we were kids. Oh and she always says I raised you and your sister, BUt in my defense it wasn't a great upbringing(SPELLING??)so that doesn't stand strong with me. Just speak your mind or it will go on for ever, And I have heard being a grandparent is better than A parent , I don't see it yet but maybe in 25 years or so, I think 1st time grandparents feel that they need to be needed, although we have everything under control.
I hope my input wasn't too harsh for all of you, but I know the frustration feeling.

Ohhhh C.- we need to go have coffee or a cocktail. I feel your pain, and guess what???? My monster in law is coming at the end of September. I have to mentally get myself ready for her visit 2 weeks before she gets here.

My husband and I would fight becuase I would always end up bad mouthing his mom, and dad to him and would forget that these people are his parents. He can't see these flaws as well as I can because he grew up with these people.

I realized I need to change. I am a very emotional person as well. I speak my mind ready or not, but no matter how much I want lay down the law of the wife I am starting to put my family before my temper.

It is a few days a month (ugh). I asked my husband to set boundries, to talk to her about a visit every 3 months to include holiday season. And to please have it only be 3 to 4 day visits. Your husband needs to take some owenship of the stress his mother is putting on you and the family and insert him self to help create a great meduim, in return, you need to put on a smile when she is here and let her be a freak. She will not change- you need to. You have too many years ahead of you to go through this. Imagine if you have baby #2? Figure it out now while you have time.

Oh- and me, I still want to silently put acid in her tea that she drinks every morning at 7:00am exactly with a splash of skim milk, in her travel cup that she brings all the way from back east. As she sits in her ballet slippers that are too small repeating her stories from last night becuase her memory is shot. HELP!

Talk to your mother-in-law when the two of you can be alone. Tell her you respect her and you appreciate her advice, but you are the mother of this child. Let her respond however she wants. You just sit and listen quietly and respectfully. When she is done, repeat the same thing. You respect her and appreciate her advice, but you are the mother of this child. You love him and you will always do what you think is in his best interests.
Whatever you do, don't get personal with her. Don't point out her faults or mistakes. You don't her doing it to you, so don't do it to her. It may take a few times, but she will get the message. When she slips and tries to tell you how to do something, just say to her, "Thank you for the advice". You can receive advice without taking it. Good luck!

C.,
There are so many women with this issue! I read all of the other women's suggestions, and all are valid, but I agree whole heartedly with Sara B. It would be helpful for you to remember that your mother in law is going through all this for the first time, too. She is bound to make mistakes, like overstepping her authority and being overly cautious, but this just may be her personality. Remember, no one is very good at something the first time around. Everyone needs encouragement when they are doing the RIGHT thing. Speeking the truth in love, and using gentle words will go much further in training your mother in law to be the type of grandmother you want for your child, than cursing at her will be. After all isn't that the way we all want to be treated? When you do decide to speak with her about something that is important to you and your husband, I would suggest praying before you speak, and be sure you and your husband stand as one.
God bless your effort to be a peace maker in your home.
C. T.

I don't know how your relationship with "Mom" was before your son was born. My relationship with my mother-in-law has NEVER been good. But, we've only been married for 14 years!

Ok, my mother-in-law is VERY used to getting her own way - in everything. No one argues with her; no one disagrees with her. She and I DO NOT get along - largely, because I was raised to be able to tell my parents what is on my mind and then we all deal with the issue - this is not the case in my husband's family.

I tell you all this so you can see that she and I butt heads over pretty much everything. But, I was raised more like you - no need to swear at the folks, but no need to be someone's rug.

What I've done is just state the "rule" and (this is the suck part) follow the baby to ensure the rule is followed. My mother-in-law wanted me to drink beer so I could breastfeed. The fact that the docs say don't and the fact that I HATE beer were unimportant to her. So, I just smiled and kept saying no to the beer. And, basically I've used that mind set thru all the years since.

I now have a second daughter, and my mother-in-law started all over again. She originally just started to do whatever it was she wanted. I would have to go take things away from my child and say (again) "She can't have this". Don't be mean, but DO be firm. Eventually, the light clicks!! Now, with my second child, she almost always asks before she does things.

So, if your mother-in-law wants to sit behind the baby, you could suggest that she sit in a more comfortable chair. Or you could say "Watch, he can sit up alone now - but you need to move here so he can see you!"

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck!!

Good Morning C.,
Mothers always think they know best and sometimes do not realize that they are really getting in the way.When they see things like your monther-inlaw does she thinks you are wrong and she is right.See sometime they try to make up for things they did not do right or wrong. And then they therefore become overbearing. When she arrives in Oct and you and your husband sit down with her.Share your feelings with her be upfront and straight forward don't be affraid. Anytime sometims is a first time parent things are not easy but we learn FROM our mistakes and if we are not given that chance we can't learn from them. She make get a bit upset at first so look forward to that but later on i am sure she will understand and respect what you have asked of her. Just be bold yet not mean. Let her understand you and make sure your Husband is behind you all the way ok?

Christa,

I am a single mom of my 2yr. old son. His dad sees him like once every few mnths. We go to his other grandpoarents every Monday for dinner and every Sat at their Resturant. My problem with them is their very very pushy about having my son without me their. The have said things like we give you money so we should be able to have him, They give me child support. They have also said when you come it feels like a supervised visit, they have gone behind my back and told my parents to tell me to let them have him without me. I had knee surgrey about 4mnths ago and couldn't drive. When we went to the Resturant my mom went to the salad bar and "Grandpa" walked over to her a said, " If H. can't drive we could just come and pick up Jonah on Monday" My mom said to him, "I don't think that will happen" Then Grandpa's respons was " Will it ever happen or will it be when he's a teenager? When we go over on Mondays Grandma does things like crashes the cars together and puts water on the table to play in, teaches him to climb on the table. I will say things like " don't do that Jonah or That's not a good idea. Then Grandma says Mom daoes want you to do that. So that makes me look like the bad person. I'm not a very vocal person soI don't know how to go about saying anything to her. I'm afraid if I say something that they will take me to court for grandparents rights and I don't want them or his dad to ever have my son alone. So I kind of know what your going through. I didn't really give you any advice , but I wanted to to know that their are other moms out their who have probkems with their in-laws.

H.

OK don't take this personally and you don't have to listen. I don't know you or your mil. But it sounds to me like you need to back off a little. She is a grandma and she will always be easier on him and spoil him even if it means at nine months contantly pampering him and giving him loads of attention. Maybe you could compermise and she could come every two months instead of one and you can relax and let her freek out about your son while she is there? My kids see grandma about every 4-6 mths and have a strong relationship with her and they know that when Grandma is around they get away with stuff that they can't do with mom.

I have a similar issue(as I'm sure many people do) but not with in-laws(my sons "dad" isn't around) instead it's my moms boyfriend. I lived with my mom when my son was born and since I'm only 21 and a first time mom I was always asking my mom things about Hunter and she was more then willing to help, but shortly after Hunter was born her boyfriend would do things opposite of how I said I wanted them done. It started with little things like I would take a blamket off of Hunter when it got warm in the house and my moms boyfriend would put it back on. I never said anything because I didn't want to cause problems between him and my mom. Then recently it became a bigger issue with letting Hunter stand on the coffee table. He kept doing it even after I told Hunter thats it not safe and we need to stand on the floor. So when he started trying it at home I finally said something. Just let him know that I was tired of being questioned that I was Hunters mom and there were certain things that I really didn't want him doing. Since he's gotten a lot better. Don't know if this kind of a thing would work with a mother-in-law but I thought I would share it.

C.,

i have an out of state mother-in-law myself, and believe me, she has her oppinions, too. It is important for her to know where you stand as the Mom in this situation, its your family and your livelyhood, afterall. you husbad should definately back you, but don't wage a war or anything. maybe you and mom-in-law can get out to coffee or dessert - just do something bonding so you can trust each other in baby-decision-making (i know this can be hard, but it is sooo worth it for the sweet baby!). most important, keep calm in those annoying situations where shes anxious or over-reacting. you never know if she gets some silent pleasure from getting under your skin. the more you emphasize your abilities to parent your child; the more she may work with you rather than against you!

Lots of good nuggets of wisdom from everyone. So, here's my $.02. Mother-in-law relationships are hard. There are so many dynamics at play - comparing to your own mother's relationship, your relationship and handling of your own child... I could go on. But... I was recently given some advice that I think might help you too. You know that her intentions are good toward you, toward her own son and toward your child. That said, if you play the bad guy and confront her with the issues, that will make you the 'bad wife' of the situation. So, you and your husband need to sit down and come up with an idea of what you want your relationship with her to look like - and what your interactions with your son should look like. How you want them to play, if you want her to help with feeding, nap times and general care, if you want her to watch your son alone. etc... talk all this through together. Then, your husband needs to lead a heart to heart with his Mom. You can be there too, but it needs to come from him - and it needs to start with 'We're doing this because we love you, and we want our time together to be wonderful...' then, lay out some of the picture of what you want for your interactions and finish it off with 'we love you and we really want our time to be wonderful...'. If someone knows that your concern comes from love for them and love for the family - it's a much easier pill to swallow.
That's my $.02... for what it's worth. (by the way - we did this with a family member recently and it turned out great!)

Wow...that's a tough one. We are having our first this Jan. and I am a little worried about this issue with one of my parents. One thing that I have been trying to do is slowly educate my family about how we are going to raise our daughter before certain situations arise. Obviosly you are past that point but maybe you can find a book or other resource to give to your mother-in-law and ask her to read it. You might be able to start the conversation with "We realize that you are uncomforatble with some of the ways we have chosen to raise "your son's name". We love when you come to visit and we want you to be comfortable with your grandson, so maybe reading this book will help you understand our perspective... (or however you would say it in your words). Maybe even highlight some of the areas in the book that are most important to you. I don't know if this will help or not but I hope you get it worked out ASAP.

i have the opposite! my mother in law raised 5 kids, and to her, i know nothing! my children have food allergies that get worse with each exposure, and she gives them what the want to eat! and they use to understand when i said no, now they throw fits!and now we have to carry shots with us incase they stop breathing! i have spoken with her , hinted at her and then even threatend her, and she wont help me out in any way! so if your mother in law is the opposite, maybe she'll listen to you! it doesn't hurt to try!

Hello C..

I've had similar issues with my mother-in-law. Finally when my son was 1 year old, my husband and I told her how we felt. We just sat down and talked about our feelings. Now she steps back when she visits. She'll ask me if it's okay to give him certain foods, what I want him to where. She can't stand to see my son cry, but we've told her that if we don't discipline him he will be worse in the coming years. My husband said if she can't stand his crying, then she should leave the room. I'm now seeing how she's always "in his face" asking if he likes Grandma, if he missed Grandma, if he loves her. It's ridiculous. I have not talked to her about this as this started recently. I'm sure I'll say something to her. An overbearing grandmother may back fire someday. Kids don't like to be smothered.

Anyway, try talking to her when your baby is asleep.

Yes I have had issues woth my mother-in-law with no support from my hubby! My mother-in-law is a wonderful caring lady but nit pics about certain things and tells us them over and over and OVER! I want to just yell and say, "Hey, back off its my turn!" She overly worries about the granbabies, us , and everyone in general.

I want to keep peace so I have never spoken up to her but my hubby yes which has created more arguements than anything. My first born is now 3 and it has gotten better. I think we have learned to deal with each other better.

She now doesn't really tell me stuff as far as what we need to do with the kids but tells my hubby and he just listens and thats it. I still feel he should not rude but politely tell her things but he will not. He says she is jsut trying to help.

My son was bull legged at age 1 and she kept insisting it was because he wore sandels too much. She is all babies need those white walking shoes for support, finally we didn't buy them so she did.

Well I don't think I helped much but good luck its hard because you want to be respectful but this is your child also!

This happens with MOTHERS too. My own mother will even talk over me when I speak to my children, and contradict what I say. She also says things in front of my four-year-old like "he has to be the center of attention."

I don't really know how to respond, other than to repeat myself to my kids and to say, "He's four."

I'd say that if your MIL wants to sit back there, let her, but if you've decided that he can cry for 10 minutes, and she gets up to go to him, then you have the right to get in her path and say, "No, that's not the way we do it in our house."

And I wouldn't make in an argument about who's right about what...I'd say "you raised your boys, now I get to raise mine."

Ideally, your husband would do this.

Also...as a separate issue...EVERY FOUR WEEKS?