Mommy's Heartache

Hello,

S.H nails it in her response.

Our kids are always going to face some type of circumstance that we either prepare them to be a doormat for, or we prepare them to use their voice....it's our choice as parents. We can't protect our children from bullies, but we can empower them to use their voice and take action. We practice all the time.....even when daddy is harsh to my 3 year old....If dad has been too harsh or grabs her too tight and she crys to me, I have a simple conversation that goes like this. "daddy pulled you too tight, it hurt, no one should pull you tight.......you need to say NO!" and I tell her to go tell him....and she does and asks for an apology, which he does.

It's important that they know we'll do something, and that their voice matters. My 5 year old boy also tell her what to do to stand up for herself! These are "opportunities" to teach rather than try to control dad's frustration/temper....heck, they tell me sometimes....and I have to apologize and reinforce that it's not right for anyone to disrespect or hurt you, including us.

S.

When my grandchildren were having trouble with the "mean kids" (bullying) the school also told my grandchildren to make the sacrifices, i.e., don't go to a certain area of the playground; walk through the parking lot and through all the moving cars when school gets out so they could go a different way to "avoid" the bully's, etc.

We spoke to the police because the situation got so bad and they provided me with a pamphlet on bullying. In that pamphlet there was a section entitled "What Does Not Work" and everything the principal told my kids to do was listed in that section. I faxed it to the principal and told him he'd better come up with something else because as he could plainly see, everything he told my kids to do was listed in "What Does Not Work." They ended up having the bullies come to the office every day after school so that they could "avoid" he nice kids! Worked well.

What I'm saying is, google bullying and see if you can come up with something that specifically says that the authorities need to deal with the "mean kids" and that telling the "nice kids" to do things differently or "give in" to avoid trouble is NOT an appropriate response.

I know how you feel. When it's your kids you just want to jump up and yell at someone! It is soooo hard to see your kids being hurt. My sympathies to you and your DD!

I'm going to say it: if it's really bad, change schools. Also/or, help her identify what interests her and try to invest a bit in it (time, money, etc. - whatever you can do) so that she has a niche and gains confidence in her ability. She'll undoubtedly meet people there, people with the same interests.

I don't have any advice!! My son is the same way but he is 5 and homeschooled. He doesn't seem to realize very often when kids are being mean, but when he does he is heartbroken and so am I(and pissed!). I usually speak nicely to the offender and then the other parent but I know I can't do that forever. I'm sorry!!! I just want to cry when my babies feelings are hurt!

My daughter is 8 and the same way. Her teacher used to put her at the same table as some of the 'problem' kids because my daughter could continue to do her work, ignore them, not cause problems or get involved, etc. Because my daughter wouldn't think to disagree with a teacher...her teacher had no idea it was bothering her. After awhile I went in and talked to the teacher about it...the teacher had no problem moving her and being more sensitive to her needs, etc. I think you've got a lot of great responses...I hope it all works out...it is really hard!!

(Also, as a parent with a kindergarten who has struggled in school with anxiety and social skills since starting kindergarten , I would NOT be happy if I knew that the teacher was having other kids give in, etc. I recently met with the school counselor, psychologist, and his teacher and we are working on a plan on ways to proactively help him deal with his emotions, be kind, etc. My point being...it doesn't help ANYBODY for your daughter to be giving in...that is NOT a way of 'resolving conflict'.)