School Conference Tomorrow Regarding My Daughter Being Bullied. Advice Needed

I agree with Leigh - contact the principal today and request that the counselor be present because this is SERIOUS. The teacher needs to understand that and deal with it. If the counselor can't be there, then the Principal or Vice Principal should be there.

Suggest that they have a rally re. bullying for the school. If it hasn't already happened for the year, it should. Kids and teachers need to recognize it so it can be stopped.

I agree with Patricia. As a first year teacher, he probably doesn't understand that this is something he really needs to address.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this, it sounds very frustrating and icky... I think you are getting good feedback, I would also say not to include the two incidents you witnessed as they are not under the teacher's supervision, there's not much he could do about those scenarios. What happened in class, on the playground, in the lunchroom? I also agree to have an administrator there, especially if things are happening in different settings. Why do lunch duty and recess proctors see? Getting the Principal is key. Good luck, lots of deep breaths!

As a former middle school teacher I have a few suggestions. First, request that an administrator be present. This serves a few purposes. Your concerns will be brought to the attention of higher authorities. The teacher will also be more responsive. And you will have a witness to the conversation and whatever plan is implemented. (Generally speaking, administrators will back their staff, so don't expect this person to be YOUR back up...if that makes sense).

My second suggestion is to remain calm and avoid getting emotional. Which I know is hard. You want to be HEARD. You want them to realize this a real issue and not a "helicopter" parent or case of mama bear overreacting. If you are overly emotional, you may get blown off.

I would also refrain from mentioning the teacher's inexperience. Let them know that you realize fifth grade girls fight and nit pick and gossip, but this is going beyond those behaviors. Then show them all your evidence.

Finally, be prepared for them to point out things your daughter does or may have done. Whether it's in defense of herself or because she is simply tired of the harassment, there may be things your daughter is doing too. I am not stating that is the case...just be prepared to hear that argument from the teacher. Sometimes parents are blindsided, because they didn't realize their children were doing anything to perpetuate the behavior. Just realize you may, possibly hear this and let them know that it would still not excuse this other girl's behavior.

I hope you they finally take you seriously and the behaviors stop! Glad to know that there are still parents willing to be advocates for their kids.

ETA: TF Plano/Allen is right. The school will not let you know about conferences, meetings or punishments for the other girl. You will probably only be told it is being "handled". Legally, they can't tell you this stuff.

It sounds like you are prepared.

My suggestion is DO NOT come across as confrontational and keep your emotions OUT of it.

Be objective but firm. If you are not happy with the teacher's response, take it up one more level.

Do not expect to be informed of any conversations, meetings, etc with the other parents because if the school talks to them, they can't talk to you regarding another child and any conferences with that child and his/her parents. It is the law.

Just spell out your situation without throwing a tantrum (I know it is hard). Self Control will be your friend.

Good luck.

I have to agree w/ everyone else. Request the principal also be at meeting. Not only for your own protection and there will be no "he said/she said" but also so the teacher realizes how serious this is.

How sad for your daughter. I've been through things like this w/ both of my kids and I don't think anything hurts worse than seeing your child hurting! Best of luck and please keep us posted! (and I hope the lil brat being so mean learns a lesson! Her parents need to be contacted at the very least! Bullies suck!)

I agree that the school counselor or principal/vice principal needs to be available, since this teacher seems to be unconcerned with a resolution. If you have been forwarding all this information to the teacher, he should have notified the principal's office already. Bullying is a serious situation and schools do not take it lightly even if a teacher does. In some cases you have to go over the teacher's head. You should also allow your daughter to speak about the situation in the meeting and make it more about her story (as the person being bullied) and less about you being upset. Yes, you need to be firm and make it clear that you want it to stop. The parents of the child doing the bullying probably have no idea this is going on. If the conversation is not moving towards resolution and they seem to be dismissive, you might ask, "Can we resolve this or do I need to get an attorney?" That might catch everyone's attention. My friend had to ask this question during a similar situation and that seemed to let everyone know that the matter is serious and should not be minimized.

It sounds like you ARE very prepared. Try to relax, don't let your emotions get the best of you when you are there. Be firm, businesslike, and adamant. Lay out exactly what you want. If you just go in there and get upset, you won't be doing any good. Don't forget to listen too!
You've got this!

The one piece of advice I will give you is do not let them try to resolve this situation by YOUR DAUGHTER doing something different, like not being in a particular place, etc. That's always the first suggestion - the victim should do something differently. All bullying literature I have read says that this DOES NOT WORK. So, if that's the teacher's plan, tell him to go back to the drawing board and find a solution that punishes the bully, not the victim!

I also suggest following up the meeting with a letter copied to the principal and the district superintendent rehasing what was discussed. I also suggest using some language like "you are now on notice and it is up to you to resolve this situation. If it continues, I will seek legal advice."

Good luck!

It may be too late now for you to request this, if the conference is tomorrow, but I would strongly request that the school counselor be present, not just the teacher.

If the teacher is laid-back and seems to have a "kids will be kids, it'll blow over" attitude -- yes, some teachers do -- having the counselor there would ensure that another person from the school staff (1) hears everything you say; (2) sees all the things you have wisely recorded on paper; (3) knows what the teacher says and does during this meeting. This means that if you feel later that the teacher is doing nothing or his actions are inadequate, you can approach the counselor without having to start from scratch -- the counselor will already know the whole situation. Also, especially since this teacher is new to teaching, he may pay more attention to you, and to the seriousness of this bullying, if another staff member is right there in the room. Yes, I'd definitely insist that the counselor be present. If the counselor is not available I'd see if someone else (vice principal?) is available, but the counselor seems like the appropriate person here.

The teacher might get huffy or offended that you've called in the counselor, but be sure to smile nicely at him as you say, "I would like Counselor to be present because Daughter may need to talk to Counselor about how she feels, and I think it's important for Counselor to know the situation in full, so that you and she and I are all on the same page here." Don't let the teacher make you feel bad for involving the counselor. If the counselor tries to defer to the teacher and not meet with both you and the teacher, I'd tell the counselor the same thing -- my child really has issues, I want her to come talk to you, this will give you the big picture so you and the teacher have the SAME information.

Have a goal and state it clearly at the start. I would tell the teacher that by the end of this meeting tomorrow you and he and the counselor should have an action plan, which he will put into an e-mail and send to you (so you have it in writing!) by the next day, of what he will DO.

Remember that you can involve the principal later if needed. If you do not see results, I would go to the principal and emphasize that the school's own policies are not being followed and that you feel the teacher, though well-intentioned, is not assertively pursuing this issue -- however, do not threaten the teacher tomorrow with "I'll go to the principal"; see what happens but keep the idea of going to the principal in your pocket and use it if needed.

I'm a Girl Scout leader and am troubled that you saw bullying at a GS meeting. Are you a leader or co-leader for the troop? How was the bullying handled (if it was witnessed by a leader at the time it happened)? If you are not a leader of the troop, please, please be sure the leader(s) know exactly what's going on in class between these girls, not just what you saw at GS. The leaders really need to know the context outside GS if these girls have a problem in school. Good leaders should notice and stop bullying during a meeting. You might suggest that the troop consider a badge or other activity (GS has many--the leaders can ask their GS Council for ideas) that deals with getting along with others.

Most of all -- equip your daughter to deal with this "Mean Girl." Read the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes" because this other girl is a queen bee in the making. It can help you help your daughter. Also try role-playing with her what she can say or do if bullied. (Often the best response is a cold "who the ... are you?" stare and turning your back -- attention only gives bulilies what they want!). Be sure your daughter has good activities that ensure she knows she's a great person and good at things (Girl Scouts, other extracurriculars give kids friends based on shared interests and not on who's in or out at school).

Update us here!!

I would be including the principal.

First of all, what does you daughter do when this girl is being mean? Does she just stand there and take it? PLEASE teach her how to assert herself and stand up for herself. When you witnessed this behavior at the dinner and at Girl Scouts, what did your daughter DO about it? Did she tell the girl to stop, did she ask for an adult's help?
Second, even if the teacher steps up and agrees to be proactive with the situation, he can only control what he witnesses, that is, what happens in the classroom, not on the playground (unless he happens to have yard duty.) So if the so called bullying is going on at school you need to make the principal aware of it as well. Let THEM deal with the parents, if it comes to that.
I think you should take this seriously, but keep in mind there could be more to the story than what your daughter is telling you. Girls are quick to point the finger at each other, but very often the "innocent" are not as innocent as they claim to be. I'm not saying this is the case with your daughter, I'm just saying try to remain calm, get the facts and above all else keep teaching your daughter how NOT to be a victim. She's going to need those skills in middle school for sure.

If I were you I would make sure an administrator at least knew about what was going on-it is preferable that he/she is present when you meet. It is also important to get the guidance counselor involved. This is the person who would have the best tools to assist in the situation-esp since the teacher is new.

After the meeting make sure to email the teacher, principal and counselor (even if the last 2 are not present) and detail what was discussed and the course of action. Set another meeting at the end of the first to discuss progress.

Lastly-next time you personally witness this call the girl out on it. I would have no problem whatsoever scaring the s&%# out of a kid that was bullying my child. No threats of course-just a very 'frank' discussion with the kid about how she needs to stop it. If a parent wanted to get involved I would very much welcome that discussion. Its not about being 'nice' when your kids emotional/physical health is at stake IMO.

Our school practices the restitution model. When my older son was in grade two and being bullied by one of the grade three boys in his class (split class) he went to the teacher, then the principal. The principal had a meeting with the two boys together. The older boy had to fix the situation. Anyway, after the meeting the bully and my son became the best of friends for the rest of the school year.

TF Plano and SB (read her post again... it is very helpful) have good advice for you.

One other suggestion I would make is to teach your child to stand up for herself, to know when to engage and when to walk away. Teach her now that some people's mean words and insults simply aren't *worth* listening to. This may up the ante for the girl who is doing the bullying (and who wants your daughter to respond and be upset), however, this may also force the girl to become more overt and that means less gray areas when it comes to school staff dealing with her.

sorry-- terrible situation, but I wish you good luck. And do have the principal, assistant principal or the school counselor attending.

Can you invite the school's counselor to attend as well? I bet everyone would be on board with that idea. Plus, she would have concrete experience and resources to share with all parties.

My first course of action would be to teach your child how to stand up for herself. If you keep,fighting her battles, she will never learn. Back in the old days, we went outside, played, learned how to stand up to others. We fought and then made up without the help of Mom. A,lot of what people call bullying is just typical tween behavior. Does it make it right no, but it is what it is. 100'years from now the same thing will be going on. Go,to the meeting and see what solutions they come up with.

My daughter's been going through bullying for the last 4 years. I would always bring it to the teachers, and they would always address it to the extent that they can. At some point, you have to go to the principal. So make sure the teacher understands that your next stop is the principal if the issue isn't resolved to your satisfaction. I went through all the proper chains of command and in the end those in power decided that the incidents didn't meet the school's definition of bullying because it was more than 1 person picking on my daughter - a different person was picking on her each time, never mind the fact that they're friends. After that meeting, I decided it was hopeless for my daughter, so I enrolled her in tae kwon do. She's had a couple bullying incidents this year. After the first one with a boy in a couple of her classes, I emailed the team teacher both of them have together and let her know my daughter is formally trained to fight and may not hesitate to lay a kid out of the issue isn't dealt with immediately and the behavior continues. It was dealt with immediately, and the boy doesn't speak to my daughter now. The other happened on the bus. The boy called her a racial slur, so she just turned around and calmly asked if he'd like her to wipe the smirk off his face. She did express to me that she has no intention of hitting someone first, just as she was trained - you have to wait til someone physically attacks. So you can see that my daughter has gained some confidence (maybe too much) to handle things. I highly recommend martial arts. Call around and get prices. Once people know your child gets some rank in martial arts, no one wants to mess with them. And it will boost your daughter's confidence. She'll know that if she has to, she can take care of herself. And she'll know when she can take care of herself. Good luck with the teacher!

Since the teacher has been informed, invite the principle to listen in and request an action plan . I also have gone directly to parents with a written is letter that i simply ask that they sign and understand that if it is not addressed i would beforced to pursue other legal action. Amazing that most will usually start parenting once their wallet is potentially at risk. Use no threats just facts. Use no profanity but proper language. The bullying can forever have impact on your child and their future.

my suggestion-don't back down

it sounds like you are prepared.

the main thing I pick up on is that you have clearly established there is a pattern here with this one particular girl and your daughter. period.

firmly point out the facts and let those speak for themselves. refer to the anti-bullying rules as your guide.

and ditto the other moms her about teaching your daughter to have a voice, your daughter needs to learn some social clues about either sticking up for herself or walking away from it. she has to learn to accept the fact there are indeed mean people and that she cannot always run to you to resolve her conflicts.

when my son was in third grade we had problems with the teacher bullying my son. i went to the guidance counselor and got her involved. any meetings the occurred she would be there.

I like what S.B. said and Krista. I too think involving the school counselor or social worker is important. I would also ask the school social worker to stay involved. She/he can meet with your daughter to help her through this. The bottom line is...kids can be mean. Adults can be mean too. Unfortunately, it is part of life. Your daughter needs to feel believed and validated, but she also needs to feel like she has a voice in all this. We cannot change how others behave, but we can change how we react to it. I too would feel the need to involve this girl's parents in the discussion. They need to be aware of what is happening and talk to their daughter at home.

I've unfortunately had too much experience with these types of issues. If the principal or school counselor is not available to sit in on your meeting with the teacher, make sure you send them both an email documenting the issues. Also, get the girl scout leader involved too. She should be copied on all correspondence. Girl Scouts have some pretty strict anti-bullying policies. if the leader does nothing, go up a level to your service unit leader and then your council representative. If any of the bullying has been done on the internet, it can become a police issue. I really hate to say this, but in my experience some girls are just plain mean and can be very creative about it. And the parents are just either unable or unwilling to stop them. My daughter is 14 and has had problems with two girls since they were 7 years old. One mom is a single mom and just refuses to see any of the issues with her daughter. She is "perfect" and "bullied" by others. Her daughter is now being bullied by the second girl my daughter has had problems with. Sadly, I'm almost happy that she is getting a taste of her own medicine and her mother is seeing what I've been saying for years. This second girl is just plain mean and sneaky. Many parents and school officials have spoken to her parents. The parents say that their daughter can't possibly be doing such things. They "monitor" her closely, etc... Well, I kept printouts of her facebook rants against my daughter and showed them to her parents. Guess what? They did nothing. That was six months ago and she is still doing the same stuff. But, it's no longer against my daughter. She's moved on to the other girl.

I guess my point is, there are a bunch of channels you can go through. Use them all, but don't be surprised if you are beating your head against a brick wall. Be thankful for any help you get and any relief your daughter can get. But don't expect this to necessarily end. Sadly, you need to monitor any and all social networking. Also, you need to keep the lines of communication with your daughter wide open. It's sad that she has to learn at such a young age that some people are just plain mean. But, if she can get through it, it's a lesson that will stick with her for life and give her skills for the future. This is all a sad statement on our society. Good luck. I will be praying for your family to find resolution.

If the conference doesn't go well or things don't turn around I suggest u start emailing and or cc the principal. Good luck and I will pray for resolution.