I have been a girl scout leader for 10 years. I lead two troops. I have a difficult mom that won't leave well enough alone. Here is the situation / timeline.
Kindergarten - her daughter is in my troop we are friends and serve on PTO together.
1st grade
She gets angry because I disagreed with her and did not support her in PTO meetings and about a month into school puts her daughter into another GS troop at our school and signs up to be the co- leader. She does very little to assist as co-leader and that troop falls apart. Disagreements on PTO during the year get more strongly cemented and she bad mouths me to other members of the PTO board. I do my best to not participate. Obviously we are not friends anymore, but civil.
2nd grade
Her daughter is not in a girl scout troop (I guess because she doesn't want her in mind or because she doesn't want to start another one; her old co-leader quit girl scouts over whatever was between them. Disagreements on PTO board continue and she doesn't speak to me outside of PTO matters.
During planning for the end of year PTO event for the entire school, she orders me to allow a student to sell a fundraising product (not allowed for any other student) and to tell the middle school student to lie to anyone who asks her why she is selling and what the money will be used for. I am of course outraged; refuse to allow the student to sell the product. She tells me the principle is the one who told her to do it that way and I had better do it! I refuse (loudly) and write an email reporting her to the principle. Principle without speaking to me decides that it is just a misunderstanding and blows it off. - However, the little girl is not allowed to sell the product; is not asked to lie and I apparently have an enemy for life. I'll refer to her as Bertha).
3rd grade - without speaking to me or my co-leader Bertha tells another mother of a girl in my troop that she wants to rejoin our troop. This mother (call her Hildeguard) responds of course your daughter can join and tells her to contact me for a registration form. Of course Bertha never contacts me, but acts like her daughter is going to be joining the troop when she is around Hildeguard. I send out a troop email that does not include Bertha's email and Hildeguard wants to know why. I explain that Bertha has never spoken to me about her daughter rejoining the troop and that there is a history with Bertha that would make me unable to accept responsibility for Bertha's daughter as a girl scout (we go on field trips, we camp, I supervise sleepovers at various locations, etc). Hildeguard orders me to allow Bertha's daughter in the troop because she has already told her yes and because under no circumstances should a girl ever be excluded from girl scouts. I refuse to knuckle under and Hildeguard sends out a ugly email to all of the other girl scout parents saying that she is pulling her daughter from girl scouts because I have cruelly excluded a child. Hildeguard gets her best friend (also a troop mom) to back her up by pulling her daughter out of the troop also and sending another email to all of the troop parents. I respond to this by sending an email to all of the troop parents that says this is a private disagreement that should be kept between the two moms involved and that I hope my actions and behavior as the troop leader for the last few years is enough for all of the girls to return. All of the girls return except the two who sent emails.
However, Bertha and Hildeguard cannot stand to be thwarted and go to the school principle to force me into allowing Bertha's child into the girl scout troop. I get called into the principle's office where I politely decline to go into the ugly details, but state that I am abiding by girl scout rules (I'm not refusing to take the girl because of any prejudice against race, religion, etc.) and that as a volunteer I can't accept the responsibility of Bertha's child because I don't trust Bertha. Ultimately, he decides this is an issue for the girl scout organization to decide; not him. Informs everyone involved of his decision.
Bertha and Hildeguard contact the girl scout organization and complain about me. Girl Scout employee contacts me about the situation and puts lots of pressure on me to accept the girl into the troop. I repeatedly explain that being responsible for this girl is an extremely risky situation for me and I won't do it. Girl Scour employee contacts my co-leader and puts lots of pressure on her to accept Bertha's daughter into the troop. My co-leader refuses and ultimately the Girl Scout employee informs Bertha her daughter is welcome to join girl scouts, but that membership in girl scouts does not guarantee participation in a specific troop. She encourages Bertha to put her daughter in another troop or that Bertha can start another troop at the school (plenty of other girls) or her daughter can be an individual girl scout (a julliette). I am praying that this nightmare is over and I can get on with my life, but . . .
Bertha's daughter begins to physically bully my daughter (they are both 3rd graders). I coach my daughter to ignore, play with someone else, etc. She has no idea why her friend has started picking on her because I consider this a matter for the adults. I spend the rest of the 3rd grade year in the counselor's office dealing with the issue and trying to protect my daughter. The bullying slows down, but never completely stops.
Fourth grade:
Our daughters are put in separate classrooms and there are not any bullying problems. Bertha and I do not speak at all.
Fifth grade:
Our daughter are put in the same classroom and somehow manage to be friends again (it takes all of my will power not to prevent this, but I decide to let my daughter handle it). While our daughters are friends, it is only at school while supervised by teachers. The little girl does not come to our house or vice versa. Bertha and I do not speak at all.
Sixth grade:
Bertha's daughter is having social issues because of her bullying. A new principle suggests to Bertha that she join girl scouts as a way to make friends. Bertha informs the principle that her daughter is discriminated against and excluded from girl scouts by me. Principle asks me why I am excluding girls from girl scout troop - I respond that no one has asked me to join. He talks to Bertha who gives him her side of the story and he calls me to the office and wants to know why I refuse to have Bertha's daughter in the troop. I explain the situation to him as politely as I can because I am FURIOUS - including that part that she has still NEVER SPOKEN TO ME. I asked him how I was suppose to function as a girl scout leader if I the mother wouldn't even speak to me and why should I risk being responsible for a little girl when I know her mother tells lies; hates me; tells lies about me and is willing to ask a child to lie - repeatedly. His answer is that I am hurting this child (I think her mother is the one hurting her) and he is going to think about whether or not he will allow my troop to continue meeting at the school. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Any advice? I have 15 girls in this troop - I care about them tremendously and I don't want them to get hurt. However, I just can't see being responsible for this girl - not during the meetings, not on trips (we just got back from a week out of state); not while camping, etc. I can deal with the little girl's behavior, but I just don't trust the mother.
I still haven't heard back from the school, so I'm still in waiting mode. However, here is a little more info based on the comments.
1. This isn't a feud between moms - I have nothing to do with this woman and don't intend to. The reason I don't intend to is that asking me to have the child lie about the fundraiser and how the money would be used is not just deceitful; it is a crime! Our PTO was at that time applying to become a registered non-profit organization (501(c)3) and we were required to follow the rules as if we were already approved. Bertha knew this. In addition, it wasn't a smalll amount. The little girl was trying to raise $1000. When I pointed out it was a crime, she said, "Oh, please. No one will ever know." I have heard of many other things she has said and done that don't fit within my own moral code. I just can't see taking the legal liability for the child of someone so cavalier about right and wrong.
2.I have managed to grit my teeth and allow my daughter to be friends with her daughter because I don't think children should be held accountable for their parent's action. When my daughter is assigned to a group project with her at schoo,l I make sure they meet at the school in a public room or hall way where there are cameras and/or other adults to protect myself. When my daughter desperately wanted to see Bertha's daughter over the summer, I allowed my daughter to coordinate with Bertha's daughter so that they could meet at the local Barnes & Nobles and see each other. However, my troop does many things where the only parents present are myself and my co-leader; for example, we are planning a zoo sleepover in a few weeks.
3. My co-leader (for her own reasons, based on her own interactions with Bertha) also does not want to be responsible for Bertha's child. I didn't even know she didn't like Bertha until our kids were in 3rd grade when I was called before the principle because I had never discussed Bertha with her. Nor does she want me to step down as the primary leader. We have a good working relationship that has functioned well for 7 years and neither of us is interested in changing it.
4. Someone wrote on here that this was just two adults who were both determined to be right even if this little girl got hurt in the process. Nothing could be further than the truth. I am not sure that I am right. I just don't know a way around the risk/liability issue that I see in being responsible for the daughte of a woman a I have every reason to distrust. Surely, if i was determined to be right, I would feel a whole lot better about the situation. I am considering the whole "code of conduct" suggestion made by a couple of people below. Just trying to figure out how to word it and whether or not the girl scout council would allow me to do it. Also, trying to figure out if it protects me if this little girl sprains her ankle when we are out hiking and this woman accuses me of causing it, being negligent, retaliating against her child, etc.
5. I have spoken with council. Obviously they would prefer I find a way to be okay with allowing the little girl into our troop. However, I am a volunteer and if I'm not discriminating based on race, religion, etc. they aren't willing to "force" me to take this little girl.
6. I already know another place where we can meet. But after a few casual inquiries with parents, about half of my troop would probably have to drop out if meetings can't take place at school. We have several working parents and their children can't attend if they have to be transported to the other location.
7. Our troop is full. We have 15 girls in a meeting for 55 minutes. During that time we need them to eat, do a traditional girl scout activity (song, promise, etc.) and an activity that counts toward a badge or a journey. We work really, really hard to keep these girls focused and on task so that we can make progress. My co-leader and I had already discussed that if someone else asked to join, we would help them start another troop at the school - this was before Bertha chose to tell the new principle on me!
Sounds like a long time ago you could have been the bigger person and let her daughter it. Scouts is about the girls not the parents.
First of all, this has absolutely nothing to do with the principal at all. The only thing that he has any say in is whether or not GS can meet at the school. If the principal asks you again about anything to do with the troop, refuse to answer his question and direct him to contact someone at council.
GS has service units and councils. You need to seek their support. You have already gone on record as to the reasons that you will not accept this child into your troop, you need to stick by them. Don't back down.
Is there anywhere else you can meet? It may make it easier on everyone if you find a new meeting location.
Good luck!
Thank you for your time and devotion to Girl Scouts - you have made a great impression on the lives of the girls in your troop. This situation is going to change soon anyway--and you will probably need to find a new place to meet after elementary school and the girls' interest will change when they enter middle school. As a former GS leader, I would not have someone in our troop who caused destructive problems or who had a parent that caused destructive behavior for the troop or me personally. The Girl Scout council should be backing you up and informing Bertha of the other options for her child. The principal should not be involved in this decision at all. Parents put a lot of trust in the GS leader for the safety of their daughters. Your adversarial relationship with Bertha (which she has caused) could put you at a personal legal risk if something happened to her daughter. And with Bertha encouraging her daughter to lie-that is not an acceptable situation. Good luck- this is so toxic, it is not worth jeopardizing the rest of the good things going on in your troop. I would not let Bertha's daughter join - it will have a huge negative effect on the troop and also result in problems with the parents.
Stay away, stay away, stay away. I've dealt with a Bertha of my own in the past, and nothing short of calling her out in a group e-mail finally got her to shut the hell up and stop her overt bullying, and even then she was as nasty as she knew how to be in our group meetings. We finally started a game behind her back where I got points every time she rolled her eyes or snorted when I said something (which happened every single board meeting). After enough points, I got a latte from the other board members. It made the rest of the year bearable, and then my term was up. Everyone saw what she was doing, and knowing that others were on to her gave me the strength to put up with her evil ways and hatefulness.
Anyway, your instincts are sound. If anything should happen while her child is in your care, she will go after you with all the sound and fury she can muster, and she will use your so-called refusal to let her child join scouts (which is a strange term, as they never even asked you directly to rejoin) as a sign that you had it in for her child. I guarantee it.
It would be nice if you could just be the "bigger person," as some of these other ladies suggested, but they obviously haven't dealt with this kind of toxic personality before. They have no idea what you would be setting yourself up for, even if nothing untoward happens to Bertha's daughter while she is on a scouting activity.
And I would like to remind you that if the principal refuses to let your troop meet at the school because of this, you have 15 sets of troop parents who can all send him polite letters protesting his refusal, with copies to each member of the school board, the superintendent of schools, the girl scouts council, the PTO president and board members, and your city council representatives. If anyone up or down that chain of addressees gets nervous receiving 15 polite letters from concerned parents, I can guarantee you that the principal will spend far more time dealing with it than he feels comfortable doing, and that may change his mind.
Ask around at local churches and see if your troop could meet there. Ours meet at a local church. You could also inform the principal about other girl scout troops in the area that this girl would be able to join and give him some information to give to the mom about other troops and how to start another troop. I know she's not speaking to you and you have had a horrible time with this mom, but you will be the better person for going out of your way to offer a solution that will work for them. Then the mom will just look petty if she has other options and she still continues to accuse you.
I don't like you being called into the principals office to discuss this- because even though the girl scouts meet at the school, they are not part of any school activity and unless there was stuff being done at the school that was against school rules, I don't think he should have been involved. (not blaming you- the other mother and the principal at least should know better)
Another thing- with the girl being older now, would you have to deal with her mother that much if she did join your troop?
~C.
This is definitely an unfortunate situation. As much as you enjoy being the leader of this troop, and as much as it would seem like allowing Bertha to "win", I would step down as the leader. I would call a meeting and tell the other parents that you are being forced to allow a child into your troop that you feel you cannot be responsible for, and tell them that you have to resign as the leader. If the troop is to continue, someone else must step forward and be the leader. This is what you should do to protect yourself. It seems like Bertha is a vindictive lunatic who could easily lie and say you did something to her daughter. Best wishes!
Former troop leader, and now parent of Girl Scout who is in a new troop....
1. Trust your gut. You've been in this "relationship" with Bertha for a long time and you decided to friend-divorce for good reason.
2. Trust your gut. You've been at Girl Scouts long enough to know what's best for your troop.
3. Stand up for yourself. You mention your daughter being bullied, but it looks to me like you've been emotionally bullied in this situation. Take a proactive step as suggested by Momof2girls - contact the council FOR SUPPORT in being protected from further emotional bullying by this person.
4. Stay encouraged by other people who know full well the courage under fire you've displayed. You've already been the bigger person since the beginning of this in my opinion by standing up for integrity and holding up to your commitment to others. You've fought valiantly for your troop by sending out the email to the parents and look - they all came back except the ones who were up to no good! Count THAT a joy.
5. This little one's MOTHER is responsible for her. Not Girl Scouts. Not You. My money is on you to figure your way through the meeting location, if it even comes to that.
Hope this helps!
I have been a Girl Scout Leader now for two seasons in my life. The first time was 1st yer Juniors through Cadettes and now again as a First year Brownie leader. All together I have been in Girl Scouts for almost 13 years.
While I understand your situation, the answer is very simple. As a Girl Scout, you teach girls to be Strong Leaders and to live by their Girl Scout Law and Promise. A Strong Leader leads by example....
On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my country.
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.
===========================
I will do my best to be
honest and fari,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong, and
responsible for everything I say and do,
and to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.
With this being said, you should have put aside your differences with the parent and not let that allow you to exclude the girl from Girl Scouts. Girl Scouts is for EVERY girl.
However, since the feud has progressed this long it is difficult for you to correct this alone. Is there not another troop that she can join? I highly suggest you see the advice of you Membership Specialist at your Girl Scout Council.
D.
Being a troop leader is HARD!
Could you possibly call a parent meeting, in a very mature, non bashing way talk to the parents and ask their input on what they think/would want you to do?
If it was voted against by the parents, have them right letters stating why so you can show all the people approaching you.
Or, you could be the bigger adult, approach said parent and say something like "I hate that we feel our children our suffering from our disagreements, could we put this aside for our children and have a decent troop?
No one says you have to be friends, or even talk aside from girl scout stuff.
Good Luck!
Wow, Bertha sounds like a bad seed who doesn't have a life. If her child is bullying, it's a reflection of home life. I commend you for being the bigger person and trying not to continue the spread of "mess" that Bertha continues to infuse. However, the little girl needs help and her mother seems to be showing her the wrong way to help or become friends. The girl is acting out at school because of bigger issues at home (definitely reflected based on Bertha's actions).
Here are my thoughts show your list/this question to the principle and advise him/her that you will agree to meet with Bertha if he/she sits in as a mediator. Second,do as Christy and Juanita suggested and have a agenda set up, plus at the end of the meeting have Bertha sign the "code of conduct agreement" that you draw up, in front of the principle. Since she won't leave well enough alone, put it out there and when or if something happens and you have to take it to the school, the principle can say "Bertha you signed the agreement back off". Also, during this meeting try and reconcile the old stuff to help Bertha move on. See if she will voice why she is so hateful towards you. If not, just agree to get along for girl scout purposes only. Most importantly pray for Bertha, she needs it, and her child.
Last thought: the other thing you could do, is next time you see Bertha walk up to her and say "I heard you were interested in your daughter joining girl scouts". Make sure another GS parent is around. If she comments yes, say I will send a registration form home with your daughter. I just joined GS and I know they have to complete a registration.
Let us know how it turns out.
I would let the little girl join and explain - EXPLICITLY - to the mother that you are doing this FOR THE LITTLE GIRL - and that you expect her to remain professional and courteous in all interactions - whether you agree/disagree personally. I agree that you should not be held responsible for the daughter in the case of overnight trips, field trips, whatnot - can you ask your co-leader to manage this girl in particular when these events come up?
I would get all this in writing before agreeing to let her join again so you are protected. It seems to be a long held grudge and you can make a difference by being the bigger person.
Good luck.
In cases like this always seems best to avoid all possible contact, however you cannot. So, YOU NEED TO BE BIG! Just like you would tell your child , take the high road and keep your chin up. There seems to be a real lack of direct and clear communication exacerbating your problems - this includes a lack of communication by you. You knew these few times she wanted to join your troop but hadn't spoken to you..so step up and speak to her yourself -you are the leader and she obviously was nervous about coming to you directly. Be big. I think if this were my problem I would have a two-fold approach:
-I would try and have a mediation with this mother and an official like the principle over the PTO fundraiser morality issue and the resulting negative press from Bertha being the foundation for your current and past actions regarding Girl Scout Membership and why you have a lack of confidence in being responsible for her daughter on outings and at overnight functions.
-I would allow her in the troop on the condition that her mother attended either every meeting or absolutely every outing, field trip and overnight function as a volunteering mother to help, and be responsible, as well as you are, should anything happen to her or anyone's daughter. After all if your daughters are friends, not being in the troop together and having mothers not get a long isn't fair to them both - including your daughter. This might help you get over this all as well.. maybe one day you will take the path of your daughters and bury the hatchet or at least learn to exist together in a civil and positive manner for the girls.
Bertha is a bully and she is teaching her daughter to be a bully. I would HATE letting her in if I were you because she will without a doubt cause problems. However, it would be best if you were to be the bigger person and take the opportunity to show the little girl grace and compassion by your example and let her join. Definitely write out a code of conduct and have mom and daughter sign it (and get it witnessed and/or notarized). Good luck to you!
Wow. I can only say that I think you're doing the right thing. I'm sorry this has happened and I'm praying for the resolution.
Loni
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If these girls are sixth graders this year, they are about to move from Juniors into Cadettes at the end of this year, and also, arent' they about to enter middle school -- at another school altogether? Those factors could solve your problem for you to a great extent, though not for some months to come.
I am appalled that school principals are getting involved in parent power plays and especially in Girl Scout decisions. GS is not part of school. School does not run or approve GS, except to allow or not allow troops to meet on school premises. That said -- he can indeed tell you your troop can no longer meet there.
For the sake of continuity for the girls I'd ensure that the troop hangs together this one LAST, pre-Cadette, pre-middle school year, and continues to meet at the usual place. If you are forced to move your meeting place and time, you surely will lose many, if not most, girls; you'll have a different time and place and that may mean your troop falls apart. The girls who have stuck with you deserve better.
I am a troop leader too and would hate to do this myself, but in your situation, I would talk with your co-leader and say, for the sake of all the girls, will you (co-leader) become the primary leader (she knows them all, they know her, she knows the job,it''s for one year). And you step down as a leader altogether or call yourself co-leader or whatever it takes to be clear that the other person is in charge this year and you are backup. If you want to keep boundaries really clear, you could become the troop money manager or the cookie coordinator -- some kind of clearly defined job where you can say to the parents that (former co-leader) is the one to go to with that particular question...I'm taking a step back this year and acting as money manager...Etc. Or save ;yourself that ulcer that's forming and just step down.
I hate to tell another leader to step down or step back, but this highly toxic situation is going to poison your whole troop -- and it's poisoning you personally. The end of elementary schol is in sight (unless the girls are already in middle in your area's school system....) and that creates a natural break for the troop; you will inevitably lose girls once they hit 7th grade. Then you can re-form and can start a fresh, new troop that is open to all from the get-go and is NOT based at a school.
I'm amazed you've been able to carry on as long as you have with this situation for year after year. Thank you for being a troop leader! You do have the right to have a troop with parents who are not toxic. In retrospect you could have gone to your Service Unit manager and/or GS Council for some advice -- how to handle this problem parent --and that might have helped. It still might, if you have an SU manager you know and trust to give some advice.
If I were you I would cut your losses and do scouts at a different area of town. This woman is clearly not worth the stress she is causing you...but instead of constantly going head to head...you just need to move on! Sure it will hurt, but it will also allow you and your daughter a fresh start. Good luck!
I am a former GS and GS leader. My granddaughter is now in Brownies. I would not want a mother like that having anything to do with my granddaughter's troop. One mom can ruin the experience for all the girls. She is teaching her child to lie and that is against the GS promise.
I feel your pain!! I agree with you. Not trusting the mom would make me leary of having the girl go on any sleepovers. If something were to happen to her daughter she would spread rumors that you hurt her child. I would explain this to the principle.
I would also talk to the GS council office. Maybe they can tell you about another troop. They could possibly talk to the principle on your behalf.
While I agree that every girl should be able to participate, I would do the same in your situation. I feel sorry for the girl.
If you have no other choice but to accept her, then I would make the mother sign a release form stating that she will not communicate with the other moms, not hold you responsible for her daughter, and not bad mouth you to anyone. Have it notorized and if she breaks the agreement, you will take her to court for damaging your name. Check with a lawyer or county office to see what wording you can use. I would tell the mom that this is the only way her daughter can join the troop. If she isn't willing to sign, then her daughter can't join your troop.
If you have to take the girl in, then expain to her what the GS promise says about telling the truth. She is old enough to understand. If her mother tries to get her to lie, then remind her about the GS promise of telling the truth and as a GS she needs to keep that promise.
I wouldn't want a mom like that anywhere near me. My prayers are with you.
M.S. - thank you so much for sharing this experience. I am also experiencing a difficult situation with girl scouts, and have arrived at a point in the process where I am questioning whether or not I can continue as a girl scout leader for my first grader's troop. After experiencing a very stressful first year with two co-leaders, our second year started off with me being "iced" by one of my two co-leaders on a constant basis. We were also joined by a fourth co-leader, who stepped down as a leader after experiencing the treatment inflicted by my two co-leaders three months into this school year. Once the fourth leader stepped down, my two co-leaders decided that I did not do enough to support them, and essentially they completely quit doing anything to help run the troop. I asked my two co-leaders to step down in January of this year, after a particularly negative onvernigh trip during wich PARENTS witnessed their behavior, and this set off a firestorm of activity. The two co-leaders ran to the Council and started lying about me, my conduct, and essentially told the Council that I was the cause of these issues. I presented my case the Council, including sending multiple e-mail which the two co-leaders had sent to me. These e-mail show an ongoing pattern of hostility and anger toward me. At this point, the two co-leaders have left my troop, the fourth leader returned to help me, and I brought in a new co-leader. However, the issue I cannot resolve is the behavior of the Council: they completely accepted the "word' of the two co-leaders as being the truth, and they totally disregarded the evidence I sent to them, with clear documentation of inappropriate interactions from the initial two co-leaders. The Coundil actually wanted to send out communication to parents - separate from the leaders - asking the parents to decide which troop they wanted their daughter to be in. I said I would not support that unless/until parents were given ALL of the information they needed to make an informed decision, including the fact that I had to ask the co-leaders to step down after repeated, hotile communicaiton, lack of support for troop activities, and overtly disrespectful behavior toward me. I was given a "gag order" by the Council included talking points which are completely incorrect. For instance, the council says I am to tell parents NOTHING of the truth that led to my terminating the two co-leaers, and that I am to lie and to tell parents that no one was asked to step down. This is not true. i love the girls and families, but I am not convinced that the Council does nothing to deal with harassment or conflict, and that people who are "functioning" as leaders are not fit to lead troops of young girls. This is extremely upsetting and frustrating to me.
Your issue just reinforces the reasons why we don't participate in scouts or PTO. Why is there so much drama with "Bertha"? Sounds like you and her need to get together with a mediator - possibly the principal or the school counselor and discuss the issues. Communication is a VERY difficult thing, especially when both sides think they are right. Both sides need to compromise and I know that is difficult. Good luck!
First...as a troop leader I completely understand. Second, the school district should decide whether you can use the school not the principal! At least that is how it is in our district. That said if that's what he says then go to the local church and ask them if you can use one of their rooms.
Personally, it's the girls troop, and you are their guide/leader. Your main responsiblity is to provide a safe, caring environment for these girls. This mom (and only knowing your side of the story) is not safe for all girls. I believe you are making the best decisision for the troop and not just yourself. You have to protect yourself.
Have you contacted your SU Manager or Council Membership Manager?
As a scout leader of two troops also, i have to agree with Denise post. Whatever difficulties arose between you and this mom (and we're only hearing your version of it) it should not have impacted her daughter. Girl Scouts is for all girls. Shame on the adults in this situation for not acting like adults.
try meeting at a church or someplace like that, then the school wouldn't be involved at all. Tell the principal this has already been dealt with through the girl scout organization and what their ruling was. Or if the school counselor is willing to get involved see if the 2 of you can sit down with the counselor and maybe work this out, at least enough to get the girl involved in girl scouts.
I don't think you have to take her but it does sound like it would be better for the girl if you did. I too am a GS Leader. We have had as many as 25 girls in our troop. They are now in 5th grade and we are down to 17. As you can imagine with that many girls I have seen all kinds of crazy. There is one girl that I really can't stand but I know I have to put up with her. I would put the ball in the Mom's court. She has to make the effort to fill out the registration form and turn it in on time. We also make all of our Moms join GS so they can help out. That to me would be the biggest problem, having the Mom help on camp outs and stuff. We always pick who goes in what car and what duties each Mom will have. I would also suggest you look into some anti bullying classes. Contact your Service Center. The GS offer all kinds of programs. I think it always pays to be the bigger person. Thrust me, word will get around and it will just make her look even crazier.
Stay away..far away, from Bertha. You are teaching your girls to trust your gut. I am sorry for her little girl because she is going to be just like her mom when she grows up. This is a train wreck going to happen and if you step in front of it, it's still going to happen but you will be involved in it too. With 15 little innocent bystanders. Stand your ground. You know what to do but are in need of encouragement to keep on keeping on. We all need that now and then. I hate it too that the help the little girl needs the most is what she won't get because of her mom. I have seen train wrecks that you could tell what was going to happen from years away and with few exceptions they did. The only exceptions were with faithful prayer and intervention from God. You can do the prayer part. Protect those you can.
Why does she want her daughter in your troop? Sounds like she has an agenda.
I would not allow her in, the mom won't even talk to you! If the GS council agreed with you it should end there. Can't you say the troop is full or something. I guess I would tell the principal that this is an ongoing issue that was dealt with by the council and while he is sympathizing with the daughter he should know that his decision will affect 15 others and that as a long time volunteer he should respect you and let you do what you have been trained for and doing so well. It is not fair to give in to bully's even if they are adults
I really want to know what happened at those pot meetings, sounds more exciting than any I have been to: budgets, carnival, fundraising...
I think a lot of other moms weighing in here have offered some excellent perspective, but the one thing I picked up from your post is this other mother has never spoken to you. I am curious, have you ever tried to have a sit-down, face-to-face about the girl joining GS?
If you have tried in the last year and it was a flop or other mother didn't show - kudos to you for trying. If you haven't, I would set up a time with your co-leader or another parent and invite her to discuss next steps with her daughter's involvement.
Have a very clear agenda to follow - heck, even print it out, but in that make sure you know and she says exactly why she wants her daughter in this troop, she understands the rules/guidlines, priciples of the GS and I'd get her to sign a code of conduct form - heck, I'd have all of the parents sign one if needed just as a way that if they act unbecomingly infront of their children they are damaging children's future involvment.
They Y does something similar - where parents attend a meeting and pledge to abide by rules of fair play and good sportsmanship.
Not that all follow it, but when they are politely asked to leave a game for poor attitudes, even if they claim - "I didn't know" it was not the fault of Y - they made their point very clear. I think you may need to follow the same level of precaution.
Best of luck. You have worked so hard and truly exemplified the level of character these girls need to see!
I can see why you wouldn't want to deal with the mother, I really do. But...I don't think you should have refused her daughter to join your troop with her friends. It seems like you are taking your feud with mom out on the daughter. What I see are two adults who are both so hell bent on being RIGHT that they have completely disregarded what Girl Scouts are about in the first place.
I would have allowed her in and then addressed problems with Mom and/or daughter if and when they came up.
ETA: I re-read some of your post. If your concern is that problems would arise during overnight trips, field trips, etc., I can understand that, but wouldn't you have your co-leader there to assist and back you up? I think H&H M. has some good points as to how to go about laying out the rules ahead of time.
