Mom Asking My Dad for Divorce After 30 Years

Could be a mid life crisis. Could also be something that's been building up for 30 years. Let's see what happens with the counseling. It's their marriage, and their problem, and you need to remain a neutral party and try to stay out of it.

Oh my..... Sounds like a rewinded tape to me.... After 25 years of marriage, my mom did the same thing to my dad the day after Thanksgiving but 19 years ago. My response was oh my we had just had them a huge party in August; do we get our money back? (LOL; which I now can do). She too was 51. I wondered if it was menapose as well. Totally placed the blame on my mom. When I questioned it; her reply was the exact same as your mom.

Well, I was a little younger than you only 19 at the time. I decided to stay out of it as it was something I was confused about, something I could not change and it almost left me disliking my mom. Now, I look back at it and relize that I was just going through the stages of grief as I felt like the lost of the marriage was a lost of a life to me. It was the "life" that I knew. I questioned my mom and questioned her sanity even. I felt like I just did not know her. Well guess what, those were MY ISSUES and not my mom's. Once I realized that, I was able to move pass it and open up my mind, heart & ears to realize what really was going on.

My parents never were the argu type and "I" did not see a reason for divorce, but "she" did. As I grew older and now many years into my own marriage; I realize what my mom was talking about. Yes my parents were married and yes they got along as best buds. They were AWESOME roommates and on the outside we were the Ward & June Clever household. We weree the house everyone came to; we were the house that everyone thought was the Cosby house; but that was just it....

I now see that that is not what my mother was really needing in a marriage. She was married, loved my dad but was not in love with my dad. She did not hate him, but ALL of those years she was living for us and not herself. She was living to make the cookies for us and bring joy to us as this brought partial joy to her. She took care of us, my dad, the house & her career; but never took care of herself. Looking back, she did everything for everyone else and not herself. The marriage was just a tie to that responsibility and the divorce would "Free her" to put herself first. She had completed one job now that I was an adult and had done her part; she just needed to complete her job of self nurture. If your mom is 50 and has been married 30 years, she got married at 20. She never got the "Me" time that she probably regrets. So this is her way of getting that. She may not even realize the real reason she does this, but the shift in hormones at menapose sometimes are real true moments. The lightbulb moment.

I think right now, realize this is your grief and not hers. You have to take the time to mourn the death of their marriage if it goes through, but realize that is YOUR issue. Support your mom as she fiqures out what makes her happy. This is no longer about YOU, (you are an adult and from your bio, seems like she has done an AMAZING job). Now you need to thank her for a job well done and let her move to her next stage in life.

My mom and I became very close after the divorce. She then and ONLY then let me in on some of the things that she sacraficed for us. Made me LOOOVE her more.

Sorry this is soooo long, but I hope you can just grab a little bit of the information and that it helps. Right now I think you need to not be in the middle of it. Support BOTH of your parents by listening and doing whatever they ask. Just keep your opinion to yourself. If you are quiet and listen to words, body language and stories I BET you will find out soooo much. If you are not open and or very verbal you will MISS the real story. Good Luck.... Here is a (((HUG))) as I feel YOU need it more than your parents. You can message me if you want to talk off the boards. Know I have been there done that.

I just had to respond to send you my empathy and support for what you are going through. My husband and I both had to deal with our parents going through a divorce later in life (one after 25 years and one after 45 years!) We both had great upbringings and would not have suspected this. As an adult, I was suprised at the feelings I had as they went through the divorce. I felt like a kid again! But to make a long story short, what I learned is that sometimes it is for the best. You must be supportive of each person individually - they need it. Your mom and dad would be devastated if this affected your relationship with either of them. You will have a lot of emotions during the process but that is completely seperate from what they are going through. Maybe they can work things out.....that would be ideal. But if in the long run that doesn't happen, be there for both of them and you will all come out fine on the other side.

I don't think these feelings have come out of the blue. As children we do not know all the ins and outs of their marriage. There could be something physical of course making her feel this way or it could be that now my children are grown,on their own feet it is now my turn to live my life the way she see's it. I am now in my 50's and my youngest son will turn 17 soon and I had planned to stayed in my marriage until my oldest one was out of school and then divorce my husband. As we had grown older we found less and less things that we had in common and we found we didn't enjoy anything together anymore. Maybe counseling can help them reconnect but seriouslly she has probably thought about this for a long time. Maybe your dad isn't giving all into the marriage anymore. Maybe she wants to go out to a romantic dinner & dancing once in awhile but the dad just prefers to stay at home and watch the TV. This is something that needs to be worked out between them if they can. Your mom is the same person she always was but needs a change that effects the whole family. Don't you want your mom happy also????? Life is too short to live with unhappiness all the time. You could tell her that you don't like what is going on but as her daughter you will treat her with all the love that you had before. No one except for the two people involved in a marriage know the truth of what is going on. Give you mom a little slack...If my husband hadn't passed away last year I am sure that we would've divorced once he had left home. Since I could not see him changing in the ways I needed, emotional support, the recognition that I was appreciated and that my needs and wants counted also.

Divorice hurts family members no matter how long the marriage is. My son just told his wife he wants out and they are in their early 20's. I haven't stopped crying since. My poor granddaughter. It makes me look back on my own marriage. There was many times I seriously thought about leaving and had plenty of reason too, but one look at my children and I knew I wouldn't take their security from them like that. Now I am wondering how our lives would have played out had I left at the first sign of trouble rather then working through it all. I wouldn't have this son nor my granddaughter. I wouldn't have had the years home with the kids being involved in scouts, wrestling and other activities they had. I wouldn't have had ever Christmas or Easter with them and they would have had a tired and a lot more stressed out mom. Now I don't have the kids at home, it would be easier to give it up but I am to the point that right now I don't really have the desire to start over again. Your mom may have felt like I did and now she is having the empty nest and the emptiness inside, she might be willing to start over. She also may have found a part of her that was pushed down for 30 years while raising kids.. the woman side of her. Don't be angry at your mom, just know that both parents love you very much and that doesn't change with a divorice. Me.. I am very angry at my son because I see his doing this as selfish and self centered. He isn't giving his daughter a secure and happy home that she deserves. It is always good to go to counciling before making a decision like that and glad your mom is willing to do that. Wish my son would.

You need to sit down and have a long talk with your Mom and ask her why she is doing this. I find it interesting, it sounds like you are taking your Dad's side before you know why your Mom filed for a divorce. There are a lot of things that could be going on from your Mom always wanting to do something like finish school or seeking a career path that your Dad discouraged or maybe one of them had an affair. This is a difficult for all of you and you need to be supportive and non-judgemental of both of them. There may have been a lot of stuff going on that you never knew about.

So sorry for you having to go thru this, but I think your mom deserves to be happy too. We don't REALLY know what our parents are feeling or thinking, they put on a show for us I think. But if she has truly been unhappy for 30 years then she deserves her chance to be happy, hopefully you can support her in her decision and also support your dad. Their are days I would rather my parents get a divorce, all they do is argue, thankfully I don't live their anymore and have to listen to it. And now my dad is retired so makes matters even worse.

Let your mom be happy and don't think she is going thru something, maybe counseling will help, but maybe she is already set on it.

Good luck to you and your family, I can only imagine how hard it will be.

I totally understand the same thing happened to me. It was a little different I knew they didn't have the best marriage, but nothing was really that wrong in it either. It killed me to see my dad so sad, and how could my mom do that to my dad. I ended up not talking to my mom for almost 3 months. Now looking back on it it was for the best. They are both so much happier, and like you I thought it was some mid life thing. It has now been three years and now everyone is happy again. My biggest advice would be not to say anything you will regret in the years to come, I still feel bad about some of the things I said and did.
Jess