MIL Won't Get on Her Own Two Feet

You have some decisions to make. Are you willing to walk out the door if she walks in? Decisions have consequences. You and hubby need to sit down and have a frank discussion about this. Not yelling and screaming but an honest discussion. Do you know why he feels so strongly about this? Does he feel guility? Could you have her sign a contract stating the rent, chores and responsibilities to the household? I would NOT get a bigger place for awhile. She seems very unreliable and ya'll might get stuck footing that bill.

If you husband allows his mother and sister to move in knowing how you feel, you have troubles ahead in the marriage.

Sounds like you are hitting a brick wall here. I would feel EXACTLY the same way you do. However, if your DH will not stand up for you and YOUR child, that is really the problem. He has to know that the stress of having two extra people in your home caused unbelievable stress to your marriage before. If he is flat unwilling to take a stand on his mother, then you are in for some really tough times, my dear. Sorry.

Has your MIL lived in California long enough to qualify for state help of any sort? You don't say how old your MIL is but if she is old enough to qualify for any sort of aid through medicare etc. If she is, see if your county has a Area Agency on Aging ( that is what it is called here in Kansas) and they will be able to help direct you towards what is available to her. Look into Section 8 housing to see if she qualifies for that. You need to be pro-active...see if there is a way to help her live on her own.
You need to try and have a calm, quiet discussion with your husband NOW ...before your MIL wants to move back in. Try and understand why he feels to obligated to his Mother....I am not saying that adult children should not be willing to help parents but it should NOT be done at the expense of their own spouse and children!! Arguing about this is not going to accomplish a thing...you need to go at it from the stand point of "Honey I need to understand why you feel like this is the only way we can approach this"
It sounds to me like it is time for some adult tough love with MIL but I do not foresee an easy road for you on this. It may be something that you will struggle with for a while...I am sorry

I believe families should be there for each other. When my mother came to live with me, she never asked me how I felt or discussed with me how long it would be for. I had to find place big enough for her. She worked for a year and didn't pay any bills or talk of leaving. Then she stopped working and went on disability. Over time, she's bought groceries and put gas in the van, but she can do neither much. She doesn't have a vehicle of her own. She's been with me 10 years and getting her to help with the daycare kids was and sometimes still is like pulling teeth. She gets depressed, rolls her eyes just like a teenager, and convinces herself that I am basically using and abusing an old woman. I do all I can to give her the choice between driving kids or staying home, offer to take the kids out to leave her in quiet. She can come and go on the nights as much as she wants and even though I work 7 days, I try not to use her at all on the weekends. I have bought her all kinds of gadgets, cable tv, and things to make her life easier and her stay here comfortable.

Sadly, I've let her constantly make me feel bad about the way things are and she acts like she's a prisoner because the type of work we do in the daycare keeps us busy at home. And yet, even if I didn't get used to having a second hand, a lap for the little ones to sit on, and a helper to watch over a child or two during nap time, she'd be running around in my van putting all kinds of miles on my van. In fact, between the two of us, we've put as many miles on my van as if we were commuting to work everyday. This year I have discouraged that and I know that's part of her stress load.

Now I'm starting to feel the winds change that she wants to figure out how to move out. And she's not saying so to me. It's just a feeling I have. I never should have agreed to doing certain schedules and driving kids to and from school knowing that my mother feels trapped. And yet, she makes almost no money on her social security which is small (she's no longer on disbility since she's 66) has no work ethic, never really needed to be on disability in my opinion, and is a total ingrate.

Family can be messed up. I'm just praying about things. I love my mother and would never tolerate my husband telling me she needs to go. In our situation, my husband is the peacemaker. He understands how I feel about her earning her keep while here. But he also loves and revears my mother.

Having her move to a friends or another relatives would be easier for me in the long run. Even though, I'd lose 1/3rd of my income since I drive school agers to and from school. One of the kids we would lose is a child I've had since he was 8 weeks and he's in Kindergartin this year. But the price I pay for the 2nd hand here is very high. And yet, she's my MOTHER!

I know that I'm not painting a pretty picture for you. I don't know how to help you understand that you are not wrong for wanting her to be responsible, keep a job, etc. You haven't even said how old she is or anything. BUT, family is family and no way should she be left to figure things out on her own if she just can't. That's where I'm at. My mother thinks she is so smart. She says all the time that God always took care of her, even though she had nothing.

The truth is, she camped on the river once when she was homeless and I had to live with that! She married my father (a drunk) and then another man that was a total drunk. She called me once telling me that she was hitch hiking from Massachusettes to Missouri. I cried and cried. My mother is careless, wreckless, needs guidance, and never had a lot of common sense. In her own way she's kind. But the older she gets, the harder it is to see her as kind.
She's just silly enough to move in with a friend that's older, on her last leg, can't get a long with anyone, is depressed all the time, and the two of them would eat each other alive! This woman already has one foot in the grave, and then she'd be wanting to move back in. That's why she hasn't said anything to me. But I can see that this other woman may be enticing my mother in that direction because she's old and needs financial help. FUNNY.. My mother has very little.

What's so sad is that life takes a lot out of us. I would hate to think that one day my kids will look at me this way and I know they will probably.

In my culture, it is expected that children will take care of their parents someday. That being said, it usually starts when the parents are a bit older, so I'm sorry that you are faced with supporting someone who is capable but unwilling to take care of herself.

Have you taken the welfare of the 14 year old into account? She seems like the innocent bystander here. If it were my family, I would bend over backward to make sure that children don't suffer...ever. That would include letting them live in my home indefinitely.

In California, you can have them apply for Section 8 housing (low-income housing). There is a long wait list, so do it ASAP. Meanwhile, you mentioned that your husband is the sole source of income. Why not let the 14 year old babysit your 3 year old a couple of times a week and you get a part time job to help with expenses? It can even be one of those jobs you can do at home and get the teenager involved in helping out. Also, have your MIL turn over her entire paycheck to you. You can start a savings account for a deposit on a rental, and use the rest to help cover food and rent.

I think you need to be proactive involving the 14 year old. Giving her some responsibility in return for a roof over her head and food on her plate will teach her a valuable life lesson and hopefully keep her from following in her mother's footsteps.

Good luck!

I think you need to angle it to DH as, "Are you really going to break up your family (your wife and child) over your mother - a grown woman - not taking care of herself and her own business?" You need to decide if you are going to take him up on the "you can leave" business and maybe insist on couples counseling because he is not seeing the forrest for the trees. I get this kind of reaction sometimes from my DH with his kids. SS is 22 now and DH still thinks of him as his little boy when I want to rip my hair out.

Frankly, I feel that my own mother is taking advantage of HER mother because after her divorce 8 or 9 years ago, she hasn't moved out! But it's now become that my grandmother could use some help around the house, so maybe it works for them.

If this is not working for you, you need to have it out with DH and figure out where you need to be. Helping family is one thing, but having a permanent resident shouldn't be all HER decision.

Maybe ask DH why, deep down, he's afraid to man up and put you and DD first?

I'm with Tracy M. If your husband refuses to spell it out for her, then you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
You don't give a drunk a drink and giving this woman a place to stay is the same thing.
I agree that family is family, but this woman is clearly overstepping boundaries. You DID allow her to live with you until she got settled. That WAS the original plan.
Maybe offer to help her look for apartments? And a job!
There is no reason for this woman to be on public assistance. She has a skill and can get a job.

So....you are making hubby choose you or his mom....he is going to choose mom. He has already told you that he chooses her, he said you could move out. Do it.

I think you are kind of right and kind of wrong. I would compromise. I would talk to hubby and tell him that I would try to make this work but he has to agree to some ground rules. He must take them within the first week of them being there to the local low income housing authority a help them fill out the paperwork to get on the waiting list for an apartment or home.

I would tell him he needs to then take them to the local state agency office and have them sign up for food stamps. They need to say they do not eat with your family so they can get their own food. That way they can buy the foods they like and they can keep it in their own area. If they have refrigerated food then they can have a shelf of their own.

I would tell him after that stop they need to go to each and every low income apartment complex that is not on the housing authority list and fill out even more paperwork.

It is his responsibility to do this, not yours. I would tell him that I needed him to make this a smooth transition and that he needs to intervene with them in all instances.

If this ruins your marriage then it's your HUSBAND'S fault, not yours. He is being a jerk to you.
You are his wife, not the innkeeper for his mother and sister and he needs to respect your feelings. Family comes first and that means you and your kids should come first in your husband's life - not his mother!!!!

Her being family is not an excuse for her to suck you dry. MIL needs to go!

Your husband says that them moving in is not going to happen. Take his word for it and let it go.

If they move back in, you and your daughter can move out. I am a firm believer in keeping marriages intact when there are children involved, but it if it is costing you your sanity it isn't worth it. Furthermore, if your husband is going to put another woman first, is it a marriage worth saving?

I'm sure you've gotten a lot of good suggestions, but I have one question:

How old is your MIL? I ask because she may be eligible for benefits if she is over a certain age but has a minor at home dependent on her.

Call your local Jobs & Family Services dept for your county (and the county she's living in) and ask about what assistance is available. You might even ask if a social worker can be assigned to your MIL & your SIL's case. When you do this, explain to your DH that you know he loves his mom and that you, too, want to see that she is in a safe and healthy living situation, so you're trying to take steps to help her get there on her own.