.sorry I deleted the question because it was crazy long and I made it too hard to read. I was getting the feeling from some comments that it was frustrating some readers. Thank you again for the great responses its been very helpful!
First of all thank you all so much for reading my long ranting post in the first place! And I cannot thank you all enough for your inuitive and thoughful answers!! This is actually the first time ive been brave enough to ask help from strangers online and I didnt expect such quick and helpful answers!
Tadpole: short and sweet and great advice. I need to remove myself and let my husband know when Im getting stressed out so he can pay more attention and take over for me. He tends to ignore her like the plague when she comes over so he never is there to see what she does.
Julie S:
Alot of anger in your post but you did make some great points! Im sorry my response to another womans answer offended you, i was really just trying to offer her encouragment and support cause I can feel her pain. That said, you are absolutely right about a couple things. Ive worked myself up and need to just breath before I ask a question again so it doesnt come accross so dramatic. I am just really stressed out about it right now. I did appreciate your input about clear boundaries. Im not sure how much clearer i can be with her but I will defenetly pay more attention to that.
Suzanne and Marie:
You are amazing intuitive angels! I teared up with both your answers because of how spot on you were and I wasent even thinking about so much of what you said! MIL was divorced right around the time my husband and I met 11 years ago. She has not been on a single date since then. She must be so lonely! And yes she only refers to my daughter as "my baby", meaning hers. I didnt really think about that! Hugs back, I needed to hear your encouragment and to know that its ok to stand up for myself! Family means everything to me, annoying or not, and I try so hard to be a good DIL that i let her walk all over me. She doesnt act the same way around hubby because he wont let her, i need to have a long conversation with him and make sure he is more present and aware when she is around. I never talk to him about it because i dont want him to think i just hate his mom. But you ladies are so right. She pushes the boundaries with me, but hes her son he should be the one dealing with it!
Dianne B and Julie F.
Thank you so much for the advice on the post! I didnt pay attention to that and Im using my phone, so i couldnt really tell, is this answer any better? And thank you for being kind enough to read it anyway and give such a thoughtful response. I will take every single bit of your advice and use it. I cant stop thinking about what you said about validating her parenting by giving advice. While drunk she would often tell me scary stories of when her kids were young. My husband is 5 years older than his sister and often had to walk her around town by himself because she "couldnt handle the crying". Maybe this is where the "free range" is from?
I think the main biggest thing for me to change is to have my husband deal with more and be thankful that she could be much worse!
Well I already feel better❤️ Thank you all again!! Im already loving mamapedia.
I couldn't read through all of this but I think you have grounds for a restraining order.
Move far far - like several time zones - away.
If I had any relative act like that with me and my kid - I'd have police escorting them off my property.
Welcome to Mamapedia! Here's a hint: please use paragraphs to make the different sections of your post more readable! Way too many moms are going to give up on this and you won't get the help you need.
I'm a stepmother and I understand a little of the dynamics of a new grandmother (your MIL) getting way too excited over her first grandchild, whereas your parents are kind of used to this. However, my MIL was kind of impossible when my husband and I had our baby (my first, his 3rd, her 6th grandchild) and my mother was way more help and way more balanced. My MIL decided, for example, that we should name the baby after my recently deceased father, and that no matter what name we chose, she was going to call the baby Bob. And she regaled me with stories of her stillborn twins which always seemed to happen at whatever month I was in (at my 5 mont mark, her babies died at 5 months gestation; at my 6 month mark, hers were lost at 6 months...).
You were on the right track with not telling your MIL about any more appointments. You and your husband were also on the right track by having him try to corral her. She may be looking for validation in her own parenting techniques of your husband by saying you need to do the same thing (he turned out great enough for you to marry, so why not repeat her methods, you know?).
Here's the deal breaker for me: she gets drunk, she drives drunk, she gets hammered at a special function (shower) and acts inappropriately. She's rude to your daughter, and she is disrespectful of you and him. So you (and your husband more than you) need to tell her that she's done holding the baby unless she is sitting down and in the room with one of you. There will be no taking the baby away to another room, no carrying of that child, whether she asks or not. If she balks, get up and take the baby away from her. Your husband can tell her that she is too erratic and too angry. You can tell her, "No, we're all staying here in this room."
She also needs to stop the yelling and screeching. She cannot be in the presence of any of the kids if she's going to do this. Take the baby away and go to the baby's room, or into the car and take a drive. Every time. If she starts the crying thing, just say, "The child/ren don't need to see this. It will damage their relationship with you. You can see them when you feel better."
He can encourage her to continue to get counseling, and offer to attend with her (if he can't go in person, he can be Skyped in - I know people who have done it).
Get some couples counseling to learn how to work together as a team to keep her at bay. Stop doing things to avoid hurt feelings or keep the peace - because they aren't working.
I don't know if she is mentally ill or if she is just mean/spoiled/selfish, but none of it is stuff you and your children should be around.
Her feelings are hers. You are not responsible for her feelings.
When you decide what your boundaries and limits are and state them clearly, whatever feelings she has about those boundaries are hers to deal with. Don't give in. If she and your SIL want to pout and "punish" you by being absent for months, let them do their thing. They are only hurting themselves by their own choices when they avoid family events when you take a stand. They are choosing to miss out those family occasions with the baby, but that is theirs to deal with.
Don't let her behavior ever keep you from doing what you need to do as a parent to protect your child and to raise your child as you wish. Don't even respond to the "free range comments." When it's time for your baby's nap, just pick her up and put her in her crib or bed.
I seriously would not care one bit what anyone else says, but in your shoes I would absolutely limit visits with baby to those that are supervised. If grandma is prone to getting drunk, has untreated mental illness, personality problems that impose drama on everyone around her, then the natural consequence is 'No. You don't get to take your grandchild out on your own.'
Never feel like you have to cave into anyone's emotional blackmail or ridiculous demands about how you should raise your child.
You don't give "hints" in cases like this. Picking up on social cues and responding to them appropriately are not things that people like this do. Rather, you always have to keep up firm boundaries. The minute these individuals see a crack, they will take advantage, and this will just reinforce their bad behavior. Know what your limits are. State them clearly, kindly, and unapologetically.
Do make sure you invite MIL to your house for family time and for family events at a level you are comfortable with, but be sure you are clear within yourself what your limits are so that you can let her comments roll off your back and do what you need to do without feeling the need to defend yourself or your choices.
You are quite fortunate that your husband is on the same page with you. That will make a huge difference as you present a united front when dealing with this kind of situation.
The baby didn't ruin the relationship with your MIL, there was never really a good one and baby just brought out the worst in her.
Speak with hubby about MIL's actions. Let him deal with mom in a firm manner. If you don't like her taking your baby then you go get her and bring her back to the main area for all the family to share.
I give you a big hug. If my MIL did this as much as you state, there probably would not have been a relationship between us. She would have caught me off guard one too many times and I would have spoken my mind and she would have had her real feelings hurt beyond repair.
Yes, MIL does need more help from professionals and possibly medication to "get over" herself and let the spotlight be on someone else other than her.
I am a MIL and my DIL does not do things like this. I do not invade on their privacy. Besides, it takes me six hours to drive to my son's house so it would not be an unannounced visit or me just popping in because I was in the neighborhood. We have our differences and that is good and I respect them. She is good to my son and that is all that matters. I would love to do more things with her but her job and my distance make it very hard.
Good luck to you. Perhaps you can get MIL to come in little doses and not big ones to see baby.
the other S.
i have a mother in law. and my husband keeps his family in check. if anything awkward happens that i don't like i tell him and he sets it right. if i am uncomfortable at a family function i step outside or go sit in my car so my hubbs and i can talk about it in private.
your husband needs to know exactly how you feel at all times and he needs to stop his mom from being so... so... __________________ (fill in blank with your choice of words to describe her)
Does your MIL have other interests and passions to occupy her time? I'm going to guess that she doesn't, and that she thinks of your child as less your child, than she thinks of the baby as HER grandchild.
My mother, MIL and SIL all had a torrent of advice about our son. My mother's was: He needs to eat ham (we've been vegetarians for 20 years), my MIL was "you should just give him a few smacks now and then" and my SIL was "there's nothing wrong with putting the TV in front of the crib."
I just said to each suggestion: You need to discuss that with Fill in Husband's Name here. Since I'm "just" the Mom and DIL/SIL and the strongest relationship was with my husband, that either 1) put a total kaboosh on any further discussion or 2) my DH would say: Thanks for your input, we're not doing that.
Sometimes the best response is absolutely no response. Nod, look polite, keep nodding, but don't get into a debate...and channel EVERYTHING through your husband.
My MIL presented me with a baby outfit when we got back from our honeymoon.
So I know all about pressure, a MIL's unrealistic expectations and a husband who doesn't want to be too firm with his mentally unstable mother. I get it.
But I didn't handle it like you - that part I find hard to understand. I left it all up to my husband.
He sounds ineffective at dealing with his mother and you sound like this has gotten you so stressed out, your emotions are clouding your better judgement.
Remove yourself. Don't text with her if it upset you. Don't take calls if it upsets you. If she does things you don't care for, you leave the room. It's like taking a time out - for your sanity. You can be polite. You're just not engaging.
If it had been me, I would have had my husband take the baby for a couple of hours, and visit with his mom and sister. I would have snoozed. This is the kind of thing that we do - and it means he gets to visit with his mom, he supervises with the kids, and I get a much needed break.
The free range baby thing - I'd just ignore her. Or just say "Hon?" and let him deal with it while you excuse yourself, to change the baby .. or something.
We tend to cut visits short if they are going downhill. I would work with your husband on a plan - on how you will handle different situations and stick to it.
I am kind of afraid to answer this in case you decide because I think some of the blame falls on you I must be a disgruntled mother in law. Especially reading the answers to that question that you considered so negative that you were disgusted.
You seem very dramatic and controlling. The problem with the drama is it is hard to figure out where your actual boundaries are and the controlling throws them all over the place. You have a mother in law that clearly was excited you were having a baby and yes, was more than a little over the top with wanting to be in your life. Then there is you attributing what you think she is thinking or doing which tends to be inaccurate and dramatic.
Need an example of you attributing things incorrectly look at your answer to the one question where since you didn't agree with the answers everyone must be a disgruntled mother in law. Or maybe they had just read all her other questions which shows she just likes to complain about her mother in law.
Back to you.
She needs clear boundaries. This is this, that is that, without the drama. Don't go all what happened that I am not dramatic, there is enough drama in this post to start a new soap opera. My mother was like your mother in law. Everything was this is this and that is that, no discussion, no drama, if you don't respect these boundaries this is what will happen. None of that other nonsense that you have all over your question.
I am not saying your mother in law's behavior is appropriate or even acceptable because it isn't. What I am saying is if you want it to stop, clear boundaries, no drama. At least it worked for me.
Since you demanded my credentials, see how that drama works using demanded right there?, since you asked for our background I am a mom, and a daughter, and a daughter in law and in three weeks I will be a mother in law. A very laid back mother in law, who hates drama.
Oh yeah, didn't explain. Drama allows her mental wiggle room, the ability to rationalize you don't mean it or your husband is giving in to you because you are a nag or whatever. As long as you continue to be dramatic she will keep ignoring your boundaries. Without the drama she will push the boundaries but won't cross them.
_______________
Encouragement and support to someone who hasn't posted in 4 years, will never read it? No, you were upset and it clearly colored your view of what you were reading.
I have had a lot of odd people in my life that lack boundaries, some that actually have mental issues. What I have learned is to own my part in the dance, control what I can control. If you actually tried that you would be more successful in controlling your relationship with your mother in law.
I like the question Beaver raised in your other question, what the heck do you have in common with your husband. Perhaps it is a good thing you focus on your mother in law because if she is gone you will start noticing the bits of her in your husband.
______________
Not sure why you pulled the body of your question and your name from Allison,
Ive been with my husband for 10 years and for the most part I had a great relationship with his mom, that is until I got pregnant. I have to warn you this will be long!
My baby is 20 months old and ever since I got pregnant MIL has been driving both me and my husband crazy. As soon as we told her, she demanded to be in the room for the delivery. She said "ok I just have to have one thing, seeing a baby born is on my bucket list and its just the only thing I will ask for". I told her we would talk about it. My husband and I talked and quickly came to absolutely not. We didnt want anyone else in the room with us, so it wasent personal. We decided he would break the bad news to her gently. But still she would come over and wait for my husband to not be around and try to guilt me into it! Throughout my pregnancy she pretty much demanded every detail from every Doctor visit, called me every day wanting to know everything I was feeling and generally just driving me nuts. One day she knew I had a doctors appointment and what time. Well I didnt have my phone that day and that night I looked and my phone had like 5 missed calls from her and 10 text messages starting from 5 min after my appointment, and a call from my SIL telling me that my MIL was so worried she was about to drive over(we live 2hours away). I texted her that all was well with my routine checkup, she responded with exactly this "YOU HAVE TO KEEP ME INFORMED I WAS SO WORRIED!!!!" When my husband got home he had the same missed calls/texts as me and we just decided not to tell her when our checkups would be. At our baby shower MIL and SIL got totally hammered (in front of my two teenage children from a previous marriage) and were crying and making a scene. MIL seemed to be really jealous that my teenage daughter was in charge of the shower games so she completely took over and pushed my daughter to the side(not physically, just by being her loud pushy self). She told all our friends how badly she wanted to be in the delivery room for numerous reasons, her bucket list being number 1. She ended the night by driving drunk to SIL house 20 min away. this is a common thing she does. We have tried talking to her but at this point the only this left is to call the cops on her next time she tries to drive drunk. SIL told me about a month before my due date that MIL planned a 3 week vacation surrounding my due date and apparently planned on staying with us! I decided not to bring it up until MIL actually asked us, which never happened. I was over due with my previous 2 so expected the same this time. The week after my due date I was so tired and sick and stressed out that I didnt want anyone to come over, I just wanted to sleep and take bubble baths and cuddle with my cat and wait for baby lol. None of my family or friends were offended by this, or the fact that we didnt want anyone in the delivery room or hospital. This was my third child and I knew exactly what I wanted, a stress free week to let my family bond with our baby before having visiters. everyone(including my own mom) except MIL and SIL was respectful of this. MIL called me every single day wanting to come "take care" of me. I kept telling her I appreciated it but honestly didnt need anything and I just wanted to rest. She was just not taking no for an answer. She kept telling me I just needed to accept her help and she was just going to come "cook" for me. She has this intense manic energy, and has never ever ever been able to be quiet, so if I didnt even want my own mother, or even my best friend there, i certainly didnt want her there! After a few days of this I knew she was not going to give up so I invited her over for dinner the next night(that she could make because she wanted to so bad)when my husband would be there to entertain her because I literally was just laying in bed on bedrest. That wasent good enough for her so the morning she was suppost to come over she said she would get there in the morning to "cook all day until he gets home". But she already had the meals done and only needed to heat them up. So clearly she just wanted to come hover over me and feed me soup or something. A full day of that manic woman banging pots and pans and cubbards in my kitchen sounded like hell so I called my husband at work and asked him to just talk to her. He works just a couple min from home so he just came home and was about to call her to remind her that she could come over that night but not all day because I was trying to rest. Before he even got a chance to call her, and less than an hour after she announced she would be comin to cook "all day", she just showed up. He was so upset with her pushyness and lack of accepting boundaries that he met her outside and told her to please come back later like we planned. She was so upset she left and didnt come back. We didnt hear from her again at all. We ended up having to induce, and I was having my mom and dad stay with my two older kids at home. (Their biological grandkids). We didnt even tell MIL we were inducing because we knew she would just show up at the hospital demanding to be in the room, but planned on sending tons of pictures from the hospital AFTER she was born. SIL sent my husband a snarky text the morning we were getting ready to go to the hospital saying "I know you are inducing today and that (my) family would be there, but don't worry, mom and I will just wait until we are allowed to come over". He explained to her that my parents were staying with their grandkids and not coming to the hospital, and told her she had pretty rude timing for trying to make him feel guilty the day he was about to have his first baby. We invited everyone to come meet baby at the same time a week later so there could be no hurt feelings. SIL refused to come over and when MIL came over she didnt talk to anyone she just cried and kept trying to take the baby from everyone. My family was extreemly patient and gracious of her but she was so uncomfortable she only stayed for about 30 min and left crying. My husband tried to talk to her but she just said her feelings were hurt but she would get over it. Well over the last 20 months she has been sooooooooo weird and annoying! She stopped talking to us completly for the first few months. SIL too. We would send her pictures of the baby and try to invite her over but when she did come over she would act the same. She wouldnt talk to us she would just take the baby off by herself and leave after 45 min. After about 6 months with enough prodding from my husband she admitted she has been getting therapy ever since "me and my son fell apart". And without talking about it at all or answering any questions she just said she was done crying over this and needed to move on. So she slowly started getting less awkward and things seem to be alot more normal now finally. But she still has the same problems with boundaries and Im terrified to even say anything to her when she does it! Im sorry this is so long I guess Ive let this build for way too long. So to wrap up what is currently happening. She is getting more comfortable again, and therefor more pushy with her own agendas. The one thing im having the most trouble with is how she wants my baby to be a "free range child". Ive been smiling and nodding and pretty much ignoring it but its getting really annoying and shes starting to try to just push it on me. Every single time she comes over she gives me a lecture that goes like this, "she is just a free range child like my kids, you need to just learn how to let her go, just let her go. She doesnt need naps, you just need to let her go till she drops. She will fall asleep behind the couch or wherever when she gets tired enough. You just need to let her go". When she knows its nap time ahe gets frantic with the baby literally yelling in her face about "you dont need naps no you dont!" I always politely smile without agreeing and get on with my day(and giving her naps!) But now she is trying to "free range" my baby for me. Im not familiar with what "free ranging" a child is but at every family function or party she monopolizes all my babies time and takes her off by herself to "let her explore". When they come back she goes on and on and on about how much fun the baby had getting to go "all the places she is not allowed to go". We have told her a few times that her other siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents are there to see her too but she wont listen. The baby will be playing happily with her cousins and MIL will just start screaching at her from across the yard "hey baby hey baby lets explore lets go play hey baby baby hey!!" and she wont just let her do her own thing. She also keeps dropping not so subtle hints about how "other grandparents get to watch their grandkids". Well im sorry but she is insane and im scared enough when she goes off alone without asking. Theres no way im allowing her to watch her alone. Theres just alot of things, alcoholism and unmedicated mental illness being the top two that make me not want to let her be alone with her. So finally......what do you do with your inlaws when they drive you crazy? When i dont say anything she slowly gets worse and worse until i want to never see her again. But she is also super sensitive and narcissistic so she doesnt take hints or boundaries well!!! Please help! Also please let me know if you are a MIL yourself or DIL or whatever. Thanks guys:)
Welcome to Mamapedia. Just read the post that Julie S refers to - I'm not sure why you decided that one of your first actions here should be to reply to a question from six years ago about a MIL...and be so dismissive of the other answers.... I hope that the answers to your questions will be more to your liking. I replied to your other question. I think you should embrace the good parts of your MIL and ignore the rest!! I am not a MIL.
ETA: I see that you changed your name from "Allison V" to "M. V" and deleted both of your MIL questions and your reply to the MIL question from six years ago. I have no idea why you would do that, I hope you get the answers you need!
what's with all the pulled questions with huge SWHs?
i guess if your baby is more important than your MIL you put your focus there?
??
khairete
S.
You have the power to help yourself in this situation but you've relinquished your power over to fear. You are your child's guardian. But you've clearly allowed your mil who is unstable emotionally and mentally to create all of this tension in YOUR life. Why? What are you afraid of? You owe your MIL nothing. This isn't even about the baby. The baby is the "excuse". This is about you. She's taken advantage of you and has placed you in this uncomfortable position because every time you answer your phone....every time you allow her to come uninvited and unannounced....every time she... You get my point. Every time, you dont shut her down, you are giving her PERMISSION to act a fool.
Have you ever suspected that she is bipolar ?
2 words: restraining order
What the heck?? I finally have some Mamapedia time and you keep pulling your questions. Maybe you don't realize that your questions might be really helpful to some...
