Mother in Law MAJOR Problem

I would treat her like a child playing with my kids. If you can't behave and act like a human you aren't allowed at my house. We treat each other with respect and if you don't want to be part of that then leave.

I would like to add that grandparents rights (yes we do have rights) are growing in all states because there are six million children being raised by their grandparents because parents couldn't handle it. Don't think it only happens in "bad" neighborhoods or "bad" families. Studies show it happens in every class. Your children are not your property. You do not own them. Just because you are their parent does not mean you know best. Something to consider is that no state has ever identified what a "fit" parent is. Courts rule on the "tradition" of parental rights. Giving birth does not make you the best parent. I maintain it is getter to deal with problem familial relationships than to cut them off. This is not a popularity contest. You are parent and they are grandparent and each holds responsibility to the children and grandchildren. Whenever I see the "terrible MIL", I cringe because I am now a MIL, though I don't think I am terrible. At least I try very hard to be a good MIL. I have to raise the question of a bad daughter in law. My son, whom we had a good relationship with, has not spoken to use for almost six years. We are not allowed to meet our granddaughter who is 4. We tried to stop by to see if there was anything we could do to patch things up just prior to Father's Day last year. My husband, who is disabled, was in the passenger seat of the car and my son refused to step around and say hello to him. Please note that there has never been any argument, name calling, or anything close to it. We have been told by others that our dil does not want anything to do with us and that is why the estrangement. We lost our first born daughter to a brain tumor at age 28 and have raised her son. We certainly never wanted to lose another child through estrangement, illness, or death. We have another daughter who is married and has children and we get along fine with them, in fact, are very close. My MIL was what you describe, interfering, rude and controlling. When my husband insisted family pictures include me, she would cut me out of the picture before sending pic to relatives. She died on Halloween which I thought was appropriate. However, throughout the years, I respected her as my husband's mother and my children's grandmother. My husband firmly was on my side and we set rules with the children and intervened if she got too nosy. She died a lonely woman but she had her son and his family by her side. I believe everyone deserves that. I would like to say that no relationship is perfect. We are individuals and we all have faults. If your marriage is firm, you should be confident that nothing can threaten that. Teach your children to respect their grandparents even if they are rude. When the children recognize the wrong, tell them some people are like that and we have to live together. By you handling the situation, your children will learn the value of a good relationship. Estrangement is strong and sends a negative message to your children. Cut back on time spent with grandma, keep visits in a neutral place like a mall or a restaurant, and turn away when she gets nasty. She will either get the message or ignore it but it will be her choice. Re your husband, we all have baggage from our childhood. No parents are perfect, including you. Keep family together so your children will see the importance of family. You and your husband are adults now. Stop acting like a picked on teenager and make adult choices. After years of good and bad times with my mother, she died at 91, curled in a fetal position with fevered eyes. She lived long enough to teach me the importance of family and putting up with each other. I started out with: "I want my mommy" and ended up with "It's okay M., I'm here". Love from a MIL who cares, even if my dil doesn't.

Estrangement is the only option in such a situation, according to a therapist I saw. I had to do the same as well many years ago with my own family. After several hard years years (and leaving my ex) my father helped to extend the olive branch (he was always a neutral party in this) and my mother is now very different.

Amazingly, we both came to realize my mother and I were both were right in some ways (turned out she was totally right about my ex but she had to learn to express her concerns better and respect boundaries). My life with my ex, which he said was terrible because of his relationship with my mother, turned out to be equally bad if not worse when she was out of the picture. Years later I met my now husband and they loved him. We're now both lucky to have great in-laws.

Dr. Phil has had many interesting shows with family dynamics, including relationships with in-laws. You could try reading some of his books, like "Family Matters". He encourages people to look at their own responsability and behavior and how they each contribute. He also focuses a lot on respecting boundaries and how in many cases, focused estrangement is the only option with a cause-effect condition ("if you cannot be respectful of my spouse or keep from doing X or Y, we won't be able to see you..") He also places the responsability of dealing with the in-law with your spouse, same as it would be your responsability to deal with your folks.

Wish you the best in this difficult situation.

Oh my gosh, what a pitiful woman. I am a MIL, and though I sometimes do things that irritate my sons and their families, they forgive me and we go on. This woman has no idea what she is missing. She has no right to your husband, you or your child. Being a MIL and a grandma is something one EARNS. Your life will be better if you cut her out of your life. She has nothing to offer.

I have read all of the post and my situation is a little different and thought I would share. I have been married to my husband for 17 years and when I married him he had a son. MIL was taking care of grandson most of the time because hubby was working 2 jobs being a single dad. We get married grandson comes to live with us. We have other children, all boys and MIL is partial to the oldest grandson. We struggle with this for many years talk to her about it and nothing really changes. We dealt with this for a long time. Then after my 3rd pregnancy and our 4th child I had to have a hysterectomy and I called MIL and asked if she could come and take care of the kiddos cause I obviously couldn't. That was a breakthrough for our family. I realized that MIL needs to be needed. I had taken her only child (husband) and her grandson away from her when we married. I was very independent didn't need her help. Long story short I now have a good relationship with MIL and I am glad that I do. She recently had a mastectomy and while recovering at my house from that she suffered a heart attack and while in the hospital suffered a stroke. She is paralyzed on the left side and is in a skilled nursing facility but we are taking care of her and all her affairs. My husband said the other day "I think momma enjoys spending time with you more than me".

On the flip side FIL is remarried and his wife is a total B. We had to remove ourselves from their life for 4 years. Step MIL has always been against FIL seeing or doing anything for his son and our children. FIL made attempt to reconnect and we met them for dinner and such a couple of times. FIL was in a bad accident at work where he was burned over 30% of his body. We were allowed to be at the hospital and she was cordial but once FIL was awake and able to talk and so forth she had us police escorted out of hospital. We no longer see them. Husband talks to his dad but there is no relationship.

My mother has nothing to do with me or my kids. She passes right by the road I live on to go to visit both my sisters and their kids and I never know she is in town.

My dad is great to all his grandkids when he is around. He works out of state. He only sees them though if I bring them to him.

I said all of that to say this. I kept trying to foster these unhealthy relationships because I wanted my children to have "grandparents". What I have come to learn is that I nor my children need their biological grandparents in our lives. I did not cut off all ties but I don't go out of my way to see or have my children around these unhealthy people. The love that hubby and I have and give to them is enough and other people in our lives who love them is enough. Foster the good relationship and don't go out of your way to allow MIL in your family/life. Our life is so full with the kids and their sports activities and church activities that I don't have time to worry about what I don't have. We are much better off without all the drama than with it. Our boys are 19, 14, 12 and 7. There are still issuess that come up but I am better apt to deal with them because I do things on my terms not on everybody else's. Set boundaries and stick by them.

It is really sad there are so many problems in this world. Families should be connected. All of us maybe a MIL at one time. I have loved my children and wanted the best for them in life-mostly to be happy and have loving spouses. My daughter married a controlling man and he pulled her away from me. After not hearing her beautiful voice for 1 year and 3 months, she died of a stroke. I still wish she could call. He let me see their 3 children for about 5 years. He said "Now that I am in charge" I could see them. He blamed everything on my daughter. They live 2 states away and now are almost grown. Unfortunately, after only 5 years he cut me off again.

I do believe in the power of prayer. Once my little granddaughter told me after her mom had died that the babysitter had quit. After speaking with her on the phone I immediately prayed for God to send a loving babysitter that would get around her back and embrace her and tell her "Chelsea I love you. " About a week later I called and Chelsea told me they had a new babysitter and she would get around the back of her, hug her and say "Chelsea I love you. Pray about your problems and believe they will be answered. We do not always get the answer we want, but we need to be responsible for our own actions. Try to see both ways and let your husbands take his mom out to dinner or spend a little time with her. She brought him life and some of her is in him. Good luck to all.

WOW!!! My own father told me the same thing...."This is your problem not mine" when I shared my feelings of hurt he has caused me over the years growing up. He told my mother this when she asked him to go to therapy to put their marriage together. She was left with no choice but to divorce him and he is the one that is bitter still. Anyway, as for your MIL. I feel ya on so many levels. You can't change these kinds of people. THey are set in their own ways and there is no point in trying to repair this on your own. It takes two and your MIL has made it clear that she takes no responsibilty for her actions. Soyou have to be the adults now and protect yourselves and your child from this cycle. I have a SIL that also displays bad behavior and tells me what a horrible mother/wife I am and how to parent my child and how I need to be on medication. You need to set boundries since these people don't. Its not worth the hurt and pain in the end nor to keep going down this road anymore. I feel for your husband and wish you all the best. Be well.

Just stand firm. She is toxic to your life. Do not respond... change your phone number, email, whatever you need to do. We had to do this with my MIL before we got married. It's been 11 years since any communication with her. She still tries to send cards, etc. but they go straight to the garbage, unopened. You do not need to have her in your life and she has NO RIGHT to see your child. None. He is better off. My dh and I have had 2 kids in that 11 years, and she has never seen my kids and never will meet them. We are better off for not having contact with her or with my dh's entire family. Stand firm. You are not doing anything wrong. You are in control of who you let in to your life. AND your child's life.

I'm not trying to "diagnose" her, but you may want to read up on personality disorders - narcissitic, borderline, etc. There were several little hints that you mentioned that made me think you might want to look that direction. If she does have something like this, there isn't a whole lot you can do, but there is some power in just knowing what you are dealing with and what you can do to cope. There are quite a number of good resources, books, etc. out there. HTH!

My mother and I had similar issues. When my twin boys were born, she brought my grandmother to the hospital and walked out of my hospital room without saying a word. She never could accept that I would not take sides in her divorce from my father--35 years later! So we are estranged. I believe my husband and sons come first. It's her loss.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law (now deceased) was a lovely woman who treated me like her daughter. She was precious with my sons. I feel blessed that I had such a wonderful mother-in-law when my own mother was so abusive.

First, thanks for sharing. I am blown away at the number of people with this problem. I thougth I was in a minority, but wow. I know a lot of people are against estrangement, but if you have tried everything and they are not responding, you really have no choice if it is negatively impacting your own family and most importantly, your children. You know when enough is enough. We are at that point too. Right now my husband and I are feeling very much like we do not ever want to see either of our mothers again. They are both mentally ill and very self-absorbed and always do what is best for them over what is best for our kids. My mother is bi-polar and a borderline and my MIL is a manipulative sociapath who believes she is a Godly woman, but her actions are very hypocritical and those close to her know the truth--one of her three sons and DIL have been estranged from her for over two years know and we are almost there. And, the son who will likely stick it out--his wife hates her. I had a great high-paying job and since both of our fathers were deceased and our mothers were poor, so we bought houses they both live in. In July 2008, I found out I was losing my job in December 2008. Unfortanately, we had also just upgraded our house, so that was really bad timing. We started talking to both of our mothers telling them we did not know if we would be able to keep the houses they live in. My MIL has money in the bank and enough to live on monthly, so she could have moved out right away, but here we are almost two years later and neither has left and both of them are being extremely ugly to me (like it is my fault their lives need to change) and we have been using up all our savings to keep all three houses going. I had to have a heart procedure last June and I was terrified that I'd leave my 5-year-old son motherless, but I recovered well. But, in November, by MIL started in on me telling what I needed to do to get back to work, telling my BIL that we were being mean and unreasonable and selfish. HA! We have supported her for five years and my mother for about 10 years. My mother stopped taking her meds and is now not even paying her utility bills and has shut down. When I talk to her she just yells at me and tells me to go jump off the empire state building and many other things I could never repeat. She does what one woman said in another post. If I try to correct my son's behavior, it is "well grandma would let you do it if mom wasn't here". UGH. And, my MIL knew she was the only grandparent coming to my son's Kindergarten Grandparent Day at school and gloated that to my SIL that I invited her and not my own mother. In the meantime, she got mad at me because after she gave me her "motherly advice" and told me to get a regular paying job instead of doing this sales commission job I wanted to do, I pushed back and suggested she could get a job and pay rent. Anway, she didn't show up to Grandparent's Day because she "didn't fell well", something she always uses. My son was broken-hearted and that I decided that was it. I am not going to allow her or my mother, who scares all her grandkids with her insane behavior to be a big part of their lives. (BTW, my sister told my mom point blank, get back on your meds so you can see your grandkids and my mom said she didn't want to see them anyway.) Oh, and by the way, my heart symptoms have returned and my surgeon told me that I need to eliminate the emotional stress. For me, that means I do not need interaction with either my mother or my MIL and I am going to have to evict them from the houses before all our money is gone. I am working, but am making a lot less money and we cannot sustain three households anymore. It breaks my heart, but I do not see any other choice because I cannot change them. They have to choose to change. Maybe someday, they will realize that they need to think of others first. I pray to God every day that the situation will be fixed. Who knows, maybe His fix is to let them learn how to be accountable for themselves and their own actions? Maybe that is His fix in your situation too. I know one thing, I have gotten a great education on how not to act as a MIL. I am great at relationships and have a lot of friends, so I do believe I will be able to develop one with my future DIL. Good Luck and God Bless and I hope you find some positive in all this.

Golly, Gee....
I feel very blessed after reading all these stories!
At age 58, I've been married twice, and had two fairly long term relationships in between, so essentially, 4 MIL's.
All of them were really super nice ladies, and I got along with them great.

My present husband's mother passed away about a year ago, at age 99. She lived in a separate house on our property for the last 18 years, and was in pretty good health til the last two. I took care of her myself the last few months, when she became very ill. We still miss her! She was one of the "coolest" old ladies you'd ever meet!

My heart goes out to some of you here, who have told your stories. How horrible that must be, to deal with those kind of issues. I would guess in some of the instances that MIL is mentally ill or unbalanced...and often, at that age, there's not much they can do about it, and aren't open to getting help for it. I can see where in these cases, it may be best to sever ties altogether, especially if there are kids involved.

I my have a good relationwith my daugther in laws ,i stay out of their bussiness unless i am asked when a son or daugthergets married they are to have that life ,give them love understaning and peace willbe with all at least it has been for me the bible says cling to your wife ,husband not your parents god only gives to us for alittle while and they make their own love all of them and it will work out,,,mik from tl.

My hubby and I dealt with the same thing with his mother. He has a child from a previous marriage, so when my daughter came along, she acted like my child was second class to her first grandson. My daughter was treated differently , and that was something i couldn't take. She was rude, criticle and obnoxious to me, and even went as far as rearranging things in my home bc she did not like how I had this arranged. We have cut ties with her and blocked her calls and texts from coming in, we are much happier now!

I always hear horror stories of the sons mother. I would love to hear the
other side. Seems to me daughter in laws are so very threatened by
a mother-son relationship. However for those that have little boys, they
will find out later what it is like and then it will be too late. Wake up DILs
not all MILs are terrible.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and we have 3 children ranging in age from 8 to18 months. For the first 7 years things with my MIL were okay, never great. My husband had a terrible childhood and he and his sisters practically raised themselves because she was never around. His father was an alcoholic who left when he was five. Anyway, his mother remarried a wonderful man when he was 7 and they bacame very close. About 3 years ago his stepfather left her after begin extremely unhappy for a long time and when my husband chose to continue his relationship with him, his mother went pretty psycho. She has verbally disowned her own child, but thinks that she still has the "right" to our children. There are so many things that I can list, but it would be a book. Lying, cheating, etc. We've even had to go as far as getting a restraining order and notifying the school that she is not to have any unnecessary contact with the kids (she works at their school). We have no intention of ever reconciling with her and my husband is even more adamant than I am about it. He feels that he has gone 36 years of his life without a mother, why should he start now.
Good luck with your situation and know that you are definately not alone with this type of situation.
For those who think that I am targeting MIL's, I'm not, I would feel the same way about any other family member who did this to us.

Hi well as you can see you are not alone Kelly. I find that to be the sadest part of all this. Don't you? You have been told the same thing I would suggest. I agree with your choice. Get her out of your life. You have no choice and a child of your own to think about.

Like one of the other responders, my husband too has a mother that can be very toxic. She plays favorites with my SIL and my FIL is clueless to what she does...or at the least ignores it. She is verbally abusive to him too...they are to each other I should say and that was passed to both their children. As a family we have gone through times when my husband and MIL didn't speak for more than 3 yrs her missing the first 3 yrs of my son's life. Now that my SIL has a baby you would think we didn't live on the planet. It is like it was the first time she had a grandchild and who is my son to her?

We speak with her rarely but it took a long time to get back to that and things are a bit better most times. I think because we did take a stand and said "NO MORE". She knows that she will not see her son or grandson at all if she isn't on her best behavior. We have to go to them for her to see our son, they never come to us...we only live 2 hrs away. But we do try to make some effort a couple times a year. We stay for the day most times, we don't spend the night. So it is literally two days a yr we see them. That is all we can take.

Like w/ most of your husbands (meaning all us Moms) I am sure you realize that you coming into his life was the best thing to ever happen to him. A solid female that cares and loves him...no matter what. I can't help but to think back on my husband when I first met him and what a mess he was, emotionally. Didn't know how to communicate etc...it took so long but 15 yrs of marriage later we are closer than ever. It took moving away from my MIL and having a chance to grow up and live our own lives. Things changed a lot and he saw what she was doing to him. Then our son was born and his eyes were opened even more to her antics. Now, he does not tolerate it at all. He tells her when she is doing something and if it doesn't stop right then...we leave. (if we are with them) She doesn't like me of course because she knows that I know exactly who she is. I am nothing like her and neither is my mother and we are very close so she is resentlful of my relationship with my own mother, not to mention her son. She is not in a happy marriage herself and sees what the other side looks like and hates I have it and she doesn't.

So my point is, those of you who have broken free and have your husband on your side...that is the best you can do. Be proud. Your changing a cycle and it will not continue on. It will die with all the MIL's we are speaking of generation. We, as moms, know what NOT to do when our children grow up and marry. Make friends, good friends with your future DILs! They will be the ones you have to make a relationship with...a good one for happy lives once grandchildren come for sure.

I am proud of my husband and I. We know what is going on, we have tried our best to work through it and fix it. But we undertand we can't help people who will not help themselves and we can only change ourselves. Saying, "NO" and not setting yourself up to fail is the best thing we can do. We can support our spouse and raise our children differently. We have learned what not to do sorta speak...seeing this kind of future helps us to learn that a different path is necessary.

Kelly G and all the other moms out there, thanks for your posts. It has helped me a lot to know I too am not alone and that my choices have been what most of you have done and I think we are all the happier for it. Keep strong and remember we are changing a generation in ourselves and hopefully coming out the other end that much better for it.

AB

I know you already have a resolution, but I wanted you to know you are SO not alone. Sadly, we are estranged from both my mother (who lives DOWN THE STREET) and from my MIL.....for exactly the same reason. My husband and I both have mothers who are abusive and suffer from mental illness ( and refuse treatment)....it was not until we became parents that we realized how detrimental it is, even in small doses. We tried EVERYTHING to maintain a relationship with the 'grandmothers' for our kids, but eventually realized it was not good for our children either. When our kids are old enough to understand why we made that decision, we will give them the option of having their own relationships with their grandmothers. Not only did MY therapist recommend estrangement, but my own mother's therapist advised us to sever ties as well to protect ourselves and our children. Each grandmother made many attempts to insert themselves back into our lives, but we continue to ignore all communications from them and time between attempts keeps increasing.....we doubt they will ever 'go away' but our lives have been infinitely more peaceful since we said our good-byes. I wish you well and know your children will be that much better off because of your choice.

My oldest is 12, my middle is 9, and my youngest is 6. I HAD to let go of her TOXIC relationship a few years ago. We realized her problems are bigger than my capabilities. Just give the relationship to a higher power...(NOT YOU) and you and your husband join forces to belive in eachother. It does not get any easier to not answer the phone or not invite them to social gatherings....BUT it does get easier for you and your family to SURVIVE! You described my MIL to a "T".....she will not change,believe me, but you can change around the abusive actions and PROTECT your house! Hang in there! :)

Hello Mamapedia,
I feel moved to reply to your reader, Kelly G, whose message you've posted on your newsletter and thus arrived at my computer this morning.

With great respect for all families, I offer my perspective as a daughter inlaw, mother, mother in law, grandmother, and as a daughter who was estranged for many years from my own mother. I am also a semi-retired family therapist and have specialized in family reconciliation for many years. These are a few thoughts that come to me, and I give them tenderly.

It isn't easy to be the wife of someone who has a troubled parent. There is always a distraction that takes time and energy away from the couple life. It may help to look at the situation from a different angle. When it comes to families, there is much that is left unsaid. We never get to know our parents, or inlaws, as anything more than parents. We forget they were once someone else, as we were before we became mothers.

Only a mother who is suffering herself could hurt a child deeply. When Kelly says about her MIL "She has never brought any good to my husband or to us," perhaps she forgets the most important gift of all. Without her mother in law, Kelly would not have her husband.

To side with her husband against his family, especially his mother, could well result in turmoil for the marriage. No matter what the external circumstances, no matter what is said or done in anger, we all carry a deep unspoken loyalty to our family, especially to our mothers. Even to abusive mothers. To break that bond, or to encourage the breaking of that bond, may put enormous pressure on the marriage, and on parenting.

Estrangement doesn't resolve the situation. It is a temporary answer and brings a different kind of pain with it. In as much as we cannot choose our family members, or get them to change, it is up to us to develop strong boundaries to deal with those who have none. To separate or exclude a family member, no matter what the cause, leaves a family with a missing part. The cost of excluding someone, especially a mother, leaves the child (even an adult child), orphaned. The impact of that is felt even into the next generation.

It helps if we can see our parents as imperfect people, no more perfect than we are. When they fall short of our expectations, it is our expectations that need to be addressed if we are to have a peaceful family life. We too will one day face our children's disattisfaction with the way we parent. The way we handle our family problems sets a pattern for our own children to use as a problem-solving tool. Estrangement can become a family coping strategy. Once it is modeled, each generation can use it.

How much more strength it would give to their bond as a couple, and as parents, if Kelly could support her husband in what surely is his deep grief for the troubled parenting he's experiencing. And if they could together find ways to set boundaries (have a clearly understood and respected plan about time, space, money, etc) to use for themselves as a family, whether with his mother or other troubled people in their lives. The important thing is that the plan be respected between the couple. If that bond is strong, just as with our children, no one can manipulate it. Then the MIL or any external problem that arises can be managed.

Again, my comments are offered with great respect and compassion for the enormous task of family life.

V.

She probably does not see herself as being abusive. Unfortunately, she probably grew up in a disfunctional home and repeated the pattern. Just becareful, your husband has the opportunity to continue counseling so he does not repeat her mistakes. He has to break the cycle and with your help staying away may be the best thing for you both to do. As the other people have stated cutting ties with her may be what is for the best. If you are able to have her only over one time a year and control the environment then do so only if you both feel it is alright to have her visit. Otherwise, taking a long extended holiday away from Grandma/your mother in law may be what you should be doing for your family. I wish you luck because its a hard situation for anyone to be in...

I agree with Jennifer, ignore the Patty comment. To say that all MIL's come in the same shape/size doesn't work. My real MIL is AWFUL, manipulative, lies, and manipulates using our 4 year old son. She doesn't follow the rules we set forth and when she gets caught she doesn't say something intelligent and considerate like "honey, I should not have let you jump all over the furniture and off the back of the couch over and over, it was a bad choice." Instead she says "your mom doesn't want me to let you jump off the back of the couch so how about you just do it when you come to Grannies."
However, my new step MIL (in laws are divorced and FIL is remarried) is WONDERFUL! I LOVE her and she loves us. She is so supportive and always has the kids best interest in mind instead of her own. We are much closer to her.
Unless your MIL can respect you, write her off. Being a MIL is a privelage, not a right. Being the mother of your husband is a right. If this is straining your relationship with your husband it's not worth it. If you feel this could endanger the positive development of your child, it's also not worth it. If she is a good parent she will wake up and realize and come seeking out a healthy relationship.
Best of luck-

We have sorta the same situation . Although she is not verbally abusive to her son she is Possesive, manipulating and controlling so we have taken her out of our life. She now goes to his Ex wife and controls our situation through his Ex and his kids . I have no advice . I am seeking advice myself . Good luck to you . And us for that matter.

u can't control her but u can controll your actions and do not let her in your life and don't respond to anything she does. i have one like tht too and my hubby won't stick up for us so we just don't see her and it is her loss. she sees my hubby but not the kids and me because i am too busy for not so good people in my life so try it and don tgive in.

Many of us have. My mil does it in a way that leaves you going, "I'm pretty sure she's insulting us, isn't she." Over the weekend, she sent me a horrible email. My best advice--don't be that kind of mother-in-law. Everything my mil hated about her mil, she has done. It gives me comfort to know that there are many others out there that know exactly what I'm feeling. It sounds like your mil is very similar to my mil. Good luck!

For anyone who stumbles across this post late, like I did...

My mother-in-law is an educated, professional woman with an active social life. But behind closed doors, she is an absolute tyrant. Hyper-critical, grandiose, cut-throat & cruel. I've struggled for years to figure out how to live in a respectful, boundaried relationship with her. Now that she's begun deeply criticizing our children in front of them, including our son with special needs, my priority is to protect the kids. Mess with me, I'll get over it. Mess with my kids, we have a problem.

The book "Children of the Self-Absorbed" has been tremendously helpful. It gives good information about how being raised by a narcissistic parent can impact your sense of self-worth, your communication style, your relationships with others and your parenting strategies.

Some of the tips about interacting with an aggressive narcissist (to avoid becoming off-kilter by their behavior): Avoid making prolonged eye contact. Look at the person's forehead or past the person. Angle your body slightly away, so you don't feel over-exposed. Meet in a public location, rather than at home. Give a specific start and end time to the visit. If the narcissistic parent begins criticizing your child, cut her off in mid-sentence and distract the child with an activity.

There are several other tips in the book that I found really helpful, as spending time with my MIL tends to leave me feeling disoriented and, frankly, physically ill.

When it comes to my MIL, I'm learning: she is probably mentally ill. She literally can't see beyond her own needs. I can't change that. Nothing I do will change that, no matter how hard I try - and my God, how I've tried. The only thing I can change is me. We're setting boundaries with her and we're learning that the more we do so, the more control we take back over our own family's life.

Good luck!

I'm sorry you're going through this, it took nearly 1.5 DECADES for my MIL t see that I wasn't SATAN! It took, her going too far with talking about me (longggggggggggg story), I had just HAD IT! We cut off all contact for 2-3 years, then I prayed and prayed and prayed some more, finally I felt the time was right, I extended the olive branch, and now she's the MIL I always wanted...time may be the perfect gift. It was when I became a mother, that I just coudn't take anymore, that primal need to protect your family is so strong. We have two daughters that took us 11 years (to have the first, their 18 months apart, and NO ONE was more surprised than me), our oldest daughter has autism (and a chromosonal disorder, and epilepsy, and a breathing disorder, and and and is the light of our lives along with her sister), our youngest fought for her life the first four months of her life (she's a healthy 5 year old now), I had NO patience for anything.
Sorry for the novel, just wanted you to know, you are so NOT alone, and prayer can work miracles! I never ever expected things to change.
Good luck!

I in no way intend to down play what you are going through, parent's shouldn't treat their children in such a manner. But there are such things as grandparents rights and I have even heard of grandparents going to court to have their rights enforced. Just a thought maybe 'mom' behaves the way she does because she doesn't know differently, maybe she was raised in such an environment. I sympathize with you, my ex inlaws weren't very nice to me. If she isn't totally unreceptive, talk to and tell her, that you don't want to exclude her from her grandson's life, but right now you're concerned that her attitude and actions might have a negative affect on her. Try showing her and outpouring of love, surprise her, maybe she will take a look at herself and do some re-evaluation. I just know that no good hardly ever comes out of pushing family away.

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I in no way intend to down play what you are going through, parent's shouldn't treat their children in such a manner. But there are such things as grandparents rights and I have even heard of grandparents going to court to have their rights enforced. Just a thought maybe 'mom' behaves the way she does because she doesn't know differently, maybe she was raised in such an environment. I sympathize with you, my ex inlaws weren't very nice to me. If she isn't totally unreceptive, talk to and tell her, that you don't want to exclude her from her grandson's life, but right now you're concerned that her attitude and actions might have a negative affect on her. Try showing her and outpouring of love, surprise her, maybe she will take a look at herself and do some re-evaluation. I just know that no good hardly ever comes out of pushing family away.

I used to feel uncomfortable with my mother in law. She used to make me feel like I wasn't good enough.
Last year she was diagnosed with cancer. It totally changed our relationship. She passed away at the end of last year and we all miss her so much. I wish we'd have talked and sorted our differences out before the illness. I don't think she was as bad as your MIL but I don't think you should totally loose touch with yours. My children will only have small memories of her but they still have them, don't let your children not know their grandparents.
I beg all of you who have written about this estrangement stuff to give it one last, big, proper try with counseling. Some mum's just find it hard to let another woman be number one in their sons lives.
I write this in honor of my mother in law who fought the cancer till the end and whom I wish I could have known for longer!

Can you go to counseling with her? I think it would be very sad if your children (and your husband for that matter) cannot have a relationship with her.
Of course if she is not willing, you need to do what you have to do to protect your family - that includes screening your calls and simply let it go to voicemail when she calls.
I don't know about "grandparent laws" but I believe they are usually only an issue in cases of divorce/death of a parent - not when both parents agree to have no contact to the grandparent.
Good luck!

I've had issues with my MIL also. She thought I was crazy and tried to 'fix' me when we first got married. I didn't take kindly to her ripping the sheets off the bed while I was sleeping, telling my husband to take the lock off my door, and later trying to take my son home when I explicitly told her not to. Luckily we get along now, but if I think about it too much I can really get upset.
It is good that you seem to be united in wanting to get away from her. On one level, you might explain to her that she can only see her grandson if she quits the behavior that is so offensive. Write her a letter and explain that you don't want your son to grow up watching his parents be manipulated by a strange woman. If she does come over or call, you have the right to ask her to leave or not call again. It's time for you to decide how important this issue is, and how far you will go to protect yourselves.Video cameras and other recording devices may be your friends here also.

Another solution is to move away, change phone numbers and don't leave an address. This is drastic, but it may help you to achieve a healthy marriage. If this appeals to you, pick a place where you would love to raise your son.

If you want to try to give her one more try this would be what I would do:
Tell her that you both are on the verge of cutting off all ties with her & are willing to give her one more chance. My condition would be that for 6 months, maybe 2 times per month, for 30 min to 1 hour, meet her at a public place. Let her know you will up and leave without hesitation the moment she gets ignorant with either of you. This will show her you are serious & this gives her the opportunity to change her behavior. You probably will have to get up & leave several times but she will see you mean business. This is like what a lot of people do with their children in a store. If the child throws a tantrum you just take them out of the store & they get the hint after a few times & eventually have an understanding of expectations.

Hi Kelly and everyone! Wow it amazes me that I am not alone on the ocean in this boat. I have been married 25 yrs to a great guy and have two wonderful girls. His biological mother has been the proverbial thorn in my side since the early days of our marriage. Unfortunately his step mother also was a royal pain so I ended up with 2 MIL's from hell. For many years I tried to keep the door open and tried to be open to his biological mom being in our lives because that was, after all, his mother and that relationship deserved to be honored. However, with her severe Mental health issues it became apparent that we as a family were Wayyyy better off without her toxicity. We no longer have to deal with screaming hang up phone calls, swearing and name calling (directed at me mostly, bcause apparently I am responsible for everything bad that has happened to her since I met her son), and the general chaos she seems to create by just breathing. My children want absolutely nothing to do with her as well and we all decided almost 5 years ago to cut ties, change phone numbers etc. My life/our lives has/have been peaceful ever since. As far as the step MIL goes, she and my FIL lived 3 thousand miles away, so it was easier to distance ourselves (pun intended) and set very clear boundaries. She has since passed away from cancer (coincidentally 5 years ago also) and my FIL is remarried to a wonderful woman (third time being the charm). I can tell you it hurts to make these types of decisions but when it comes to your children you of course want to surround them with positive people who care about them and support them no matter what. If your MIL cant or wont do that, she doesn't deserve any relationship with any of you. Good Luck sweetie!

Kelly,
I wish that I could give you an easy answer. Listen to the advice of councelors and try to do what you believe is best for your son.
It doesn't get better with time UNLESS someone (your MIL or husband) has a breakthrough and CHOOSES to change!

I married my husband and inherited three step-children. I am a professional women and financially supported my husband and kids all the way through college and still I can do NOTHING RIGHT in the eyes of my MIL. I now have a grandchild on the way and I WILL NOT be a negative MIL myself.

I do hope and pray for the best for you.

she has no right to be abusive.................she needs to be in 'time out' until she can change her ways and stop hurting people...........brensam,ny

I empathize with your struggle and feel you are getting good advice and making wise decisions. I just want to express my own experience which was that I had a WONDERFUL mother-in-law (she passed away a few years ago). She could not have been better. So, while not everyone has that experience, it definitely was my own experience.

Hang in there and do whatever is necessary to protect your family. I am going through the same thing and my husband and I are separated and in counseling It is a very tough road and my main focus is to protect our son. The father in law is great, but the MIL is so out of control we have to be extremely careful. The damage she has done to her son (my husband) is just awful. It's like he is having grow up all over again and it has been brutal on our marriage. My prayers are with you and I wish you the best!!

Kelly,
I realize that I am late to respond, but I think you have made a good choice. My sister has a mental illness that caused her to be abusive towards me and our family her whole life. About two years ago, I decided that I could not take it anymore as it was impacting my marriage. At first, I told her that I would only speak with her if she was positive and/or had nice things to say. That worked for a few months and then I had to cut the tie. I simply stopped the communication and she went crazy. I became the focus of all her rage and it was relentless. Since then, I spoke with my therapist who helped me re-phrase it to her. I told her that I would speak with her again when she sought help for her behavior. This put the ball in her court and made her less aggressive towards me. It will not be easy! I wish you lots of luck.

I'd simply write her a letter. Detail specifically which behaviors ( give examples) that you don't like and then tell her you have no intention of exposing your child to this and you are asking her never to contact you again. Make it clear that if she contacts you in any way you will file for a restraining order. Write down a list of what she has done and when. If she tries to contact you and is abusive try to tape it or at least document it and then go get a restraining order. Get this woman out of your life!

My friend, has a MIL like that. Put it this way... NONE of her sons like her, her husband does not like her but has turned into her doormat, and the neighbors don't like her either.

Anyway, my friend, after trying to put up with/manage/get along with/sympathize with and trying a HOST of things... finally decided.. that they had to dis-own her. Yep.
Her Husband agreed and had no problem with that. So, she and Hubby... even though MIL lives not too far away... has dis-owned her.
THEY are much much happier now.
They cut her off.
That was the only way. They had tried all kinds of methods, for like 2-3 years. All it did was make their lives hell... because MIL is a total toxic witch. Literally. And toxic people like that... poisons everyone.
Why become mentally-ill and miserable... because of a toxic relative?
Toxic people have a way of making you ill too.

Anyway, that was their decision for their lives, and they do not regret it.

All the best,
Susan

I have not had such a bad experience with a mother in law, but my daughter is having a similar experience with her fiance's Mom. It makes her very hesitant about marrying him, but I do tell her to be patient with the Mom,who does have bipolar disorder, and to remember that it is her boyfriend she is planning to marry, not the Mom. You need to , at some point, stand up to this woman and tell her that she will not get to see any of your children in the future, if the abusive behavior continues. Does she act this way with her other children, or just with your husband? You need to be very clear about this and be sure that your husband agrees. I usually suggest counseling, or other healing therapies, but this woman you are dealing with does not seem to be the type of person to respond to anything positive. Can you live with the idea of spending holidays with your family and not his to avoid this sort of thing? Do you live in the same town as the mother in law. It is easier to break off relations when you do not live nearby. Good luck. Judy

get a restraining order if necessary. Dont let her ruin you relationship. Sounds like she needs meds, poss bi-polar

I see you have a lot of great help, but I would just like to add that the book,"Toxic Inlaws," was very helpful to our family. It is a very positive and well written book. Good luck.

My husband and I were in this same boat 15 years ago when our first child was born. We struggled with it and kept trying for too long. We finally went the estrangement route. It has proven to been wonderful!!! It has benefited us as a couple and us as a family. There are enough people out there that are willing to make your life miserable, you don't need family like that. I wish you and your family the best, in whatever decision you come too. I would be happy to continue to chat via email with you if you would like. Have a great day! M.

i know im late responding. but i know how you feel. we live with my inlaws. she is a manipulative woman. yes im greatful for her letting us live with her but she wants me to be her house cleaner and if shes in a bad mood everyone hears about it. she tries to control what my daughter does and even told me that i couldnt take my child to a friends house. i eventually moved out for 8 months and then came back and laid some serious ground rules down. she stills has her days but we ignore her. she idolizes my husbands brother and acts like we just cost her soooooo much money. its just a difficult situation. what i would do is have your son goto a friends or sitter or your moms house and take your husband and talk to your mil. lay it out flat and honest she will hate it but it needs to be heard. tell her that a couple times a month she can have grandma time at your home as long as she is respectful and when she starts to be nasty she will be asked to leave no matter how long she has been there. and that you will contact her on days you want to set up. good luck.

Sometimes, you just don't know how blessed you are until you read something like this. I have great inlaws, whom I love dearly. They, in return, treat us all (hubby of 12 yrs, and 4 kiddos) with love, compassion, understanding, and helpfulness. They do like to feel needed, but who doesn't? So sorry for the stress you are living under. Best wishes!

Hi Kelly! I agree with Ina. We had to go to counseling with my MIL and it really helped. We just went to our pastor and he was compassionate to both sides and helped us establish some boundaries. Sometimes hashing it all out in a safe place is the best thing.

Also, Grandparents have no rights. They have privleges and she has definitely abused hers.

I read several of the responses and it is interesting to hear other's thoughts. Yes my ex-mil is aweful but I did what many people suggested I tried, set ground rules and called her out when she was braking them. After we got divorced that side of the family pretty much fell off the face of the earth...the mil and fil never return my son's phone calls, or send cards or show up to birthday's when invited. They have no contact with my ex so the kids never see them with him, I have visited with one of my ex-sil she has 3 kids and I always thought it was good that they know each other. Still in the same town and only see them 2-3 times a year, the other SIL as far as I am conserned she doesn't exsist and we put in our parenting plan during the devorce that she was not to have any direct or indirect contact with out kids. She called them "f#@& up" they are toddlers and the funny part is she doesn't even have kids so she doesn't know what it is like to raise kids. Yet I still tried with the MIL and FIL so when my kids grow up, they questions are going to be for the "grandparents" who abandoned them! Thank God for all the honorary Grandparents in our kids lives.

I know I am late in responding, and not knowing all the circumstances of your Hubby's childhood can not say for sure this would even begin to work, but it was just a thought. Could you simply make it clear to MIL what are the issues and let her know that if and only if she gets counseling and can prove real change to you and Hubby, than she could have supervised access to her grandchild? Just make it crystal clear, no change, no visits, end of discussion. It puts it all on her, she can go to therapy or not, and is no longer your worry unless she shows real change.

Well, good luck and I hope things get better for you.

I am sure there must be some wonderful mils and fils out there. We have four children and three grandchildren. I take the train to visit my son, wife, and their little boy. They invite me! And I love it. Sometimes I take care of my grandson so they can go on mini-vacations. It is usually once a month or less. Any good storeis?
F.

Kelly,

Many women have terrible relationships with their husband’s mother. This usually makes life most difficult for the husband because deep down most men love their mother. (Even if she’s a total B).

In your case, if you and your husband truly want to sever ties with his mother it may mean that you will be severing ties with the rest of the family. (Maybe not if she is abusive to all concerned.)

The best thing to do is to move a long distance away and not provide an address, phone, email etc. If this is not practical, let her know in writing that you want nothing to do with her and if she continues to harass your family, you will obtain a restraining order. Your husband should be the one to do this because of the lack of attachment and respect between you and your husband’s mother.

If your husband doesn’t sign on to this 100%, perhaps there can be an arrangement where he takes the baby to see grandma a couple of times a month.

Bottom line, you really do marry into the “whole family”. Unhappily, most people are blinded by love and don’t take the time to see what they might be getting in to.

Blessings…..

This response is late as well...but 27yrs ago I married and had a completely overbearing and controlling MIL. Unfortunately, I didn't have my husbands support and we ended up divorced. He locked her out of parts of his house because she would not quit controlling his every move. His new wife cannot stand her, and now my grown children cannot stand to be around her controlling, judgemental manipulative ways. As my friend recently told me - 'Cut bait and run, quit waiting until you bleed out'! It will highly affect your children, as badly if not worse than it has affected him. You will know what is right, and I wish you the best of wisdom and support in this situation :)

I know you've gotten lots of responses, just wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

I'm in New Jersey, and BY LAW here grandparents have no given right to access to their grandchildren. It is up to you whether you want your child to have a relationship with his grandmother. Check out your own state laws -- they're probably the same. Some grandparents actually sue for visitation (can you believe it?). In New Jersey they lose.

Also, just for the record, I happen to have a lovely mother-in-law. They are not all bad!! I have more issues with my own mother! But that's another story.

Best of luck to you. :)

We dealt with this for years with another family member. She was finally diagnosed with BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Dealing with people who are verbally abusive and do not respect any boundry is difficult.
a good resource is www.bpdcentral.com
It will give good advice to deal with people like this, whether or not they officially have BPD or not.

Best wishes. Its a tough road.

I'm glad you and hubby were able to see her for who she really is. Stand your ground!

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I'm glad you and hubby were able to see her for who she really is. Stand your ground!

I understand that you and your husband have issues with her but does she act the same way to your son? If so, definitely limit the contact. If not, allow some visits so your son can know his grammy. What if your son did this to you in the future? Just another perspective. I know it's tough. MY MIL s not walk in the park. I'm polite, respetful but I don't go out of my way anymore. When she & my FIL were fighting with each other in my home I walked into the room (other guests were there too) and I said "If you want to fight, you'll have to go home and fight. No O. wants to hear this." Said it calmly and they clammed up & were fine the rest of the visit.

dont give in to it ..explain your thoughts respectfully and just ignore ....ignore...ignore!!!!!!!

Two good books I've read are "How to Hug a Porcupine" by John L. Lund and "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg. They've helped in dealing with my own mother-in-law, my father, and are helping me develop healthier interactive behaviors with my own children, so I don't perpetuate the cycles. :-) I know it's hard to cut yourself off from another person, but just because someone gave birth to a person, doesn't mean they fill the role of mother appropriately, and that sometimes has to be dealt with realistically. :-)

I feel for you, we are in the same position. You are lucky that your husband is able to recognize the behavior as inappropriate at such an early stage in the relationship. We have been married coming up to 20 years and it has only been the last few years my husband has truely understood and decided to cut all ties.

I kept the visits to her house and short. Its easier to leave her house then get her out of mine to enforce boundries on inapropriate behavior. As our children got older (all teens now) we did have trust issures with them because of her manipulation. She would call with "emergencies" and we would have to change our plans to deal with them. Eventually we had to cut all ties and change our phone number because the damage got too much. But this was my husband's decision, not mine.

I know you've already made a decision but I just wanted to let you know I support your estrangement. I too had to estrange myself from my own father who was extremely verbally, physically, emotionally & mentally abusive not only towards me but my mother & his own mother (my g-ma). He has mental issues but refused to seek counseling saying I was the one causing all the trouble so I really know where your husband is coming from. I became a mental case myself but once I got away from there at age 18 I became a different, better person & have not regretted it. I even changed my last name to avoid any connection w/him. He's a manipulative person & a big control freak & thinks everything is 'his'; it's "his way or the highway" & no one else can be right except for him. My mother chooses to stick w/him, citing the "for better or worse" vowels but I don't have to. I feel terrible that we couldn't have that father daughter relationship that I wanted so badly, that so many others have had but I had to do what was healthy for me & your husband has to do the same. Yes, it's a real shame you all have to go thru this but as you say, just be supportive for each other & stand your ground, don't let her manipulate you. Just keep reminding her that she's no longer in your lives & to leave you alone. Good luck!!

You might want to check the laws in your area. There are such things as Grandparent rights when it comes to visitation. Just check all the outlets to make sure she won't go that route.

I'm so very sorry you have these issues. I try to keep all negative influences out of my daughter's life. Best of luck to you!

Hang in there! I've been where you are. Life is much calmer now. :)

is she also a hoarder? does she keep things, and buy things and just in general try to control everything? there is a yahoo group called "children of hoarders" for you.

the only reason i mention that is that it seems that hoarding and manipulation/control are coupled. i know with my MIL it is.

anyway, if i were you, and if you can, change your phone number, address, whatever. dont answer the phone, dont read or return any letters or other forms of contact. maybe in the future, you can find her again, or whatever, if it means something to you, but i dont blame you for wanting to cut ties; boy i sure wish i could chop ours a little tigher sometimes. :(

I am a MIL , and I know my girls have to live their own lives now...but I have a BIG problem with the SILs. OMG! There are 6 children in my hubby's family..4 girls, 2 boys, my hubby being the youngest of the six. Everytime his sisters or even one of them yells jump, he asks how high, yet he does nothing for me. Just recently, one of my SIL's had a double masectomy, and now is going thru chemo..while I feel sorry for her, the other sisters' take everything she says as a dramatic issue. She mentioned the fact that things at her office ( she and the other girls work from home) would be better off if she was dead. Now yes, I can see the concern, but they called my hubby to come home and try to talk her into moving in with their mother, who lost her husband of 56 yrs, 1 yr. ago. Both screamed NO!! it wasn't happening. They all live within 1-4 blocks of each other in the same trailer park. My hubby and I live 21/2 hrs. from them. Now this happens about every 3-4 months. No matter what the issue they call my hubby to come home and try to fix it..heck he is having a hard time keeping our life together. And all of them with the exception of the oldest are married and their hubbies live with them. They seem to think that their baby brother doesn't have a life and why he is afraid to say no just amazes me. My MIL is super and she called me this weekend and asked me if her son and I had plans for the weekend..I told her yes...we were suppose to go see something that happens every year here, and I have been promised every year that we would go and see it, but then one of his sisters' call and that is the end of the story. Before I am critizied for not going on my own to this thing , I have no transportation...or else he could kiss my u no what...lots of promises broken, lots of weekend plans gone because of his loyality to his sisters. His Mom asks for nothing from him....she is wonderful...more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was!! So while you have MIL problems...I have SIL problems...do those count...? I hope things get better for you sweetie...as a MIL.. there is a limit to what we should do..how can you ever learn how to cope and how to be a good parent, spouse, with a MIL like what you have.

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I am a MIL , and I know my girls have to live their own lives now...but I have a BIG problem with the SILs. OMG! There are 6 children in my hubby's family..4 girls, 2 boys, my hubby being the youngest of the six. Everytime his sisters or even one of them yells jump, he asks how high, yet he does nothing for me. Just recently, one of my SIL's had a double masectomy, and now is going thru chemo..while I feel sorry for her, the other sisters' take everything she says as a dramatic issue. She mentioned the fact that things at her office ( she and the other girls work from home) would be better off if she was dead. Now yes, I can see the concern, but they called my hubby to come home and try to talk her into moving in with their mother, who lost her husband of 56 yrs, 1 yr. ago. Both screamed NO!! it wasn't happening. They all live within 1-4 blocks of each other in the same trailer park. My hubby and I live 21/2 hrs. from them. Now this happens about every 3-4 months. No matter what the issue they call my hubby to come home and try to fix it..heck he is having a hard time keeping our life together. And all of them with the exception of the oldest are married and their hubbies live with them. They seem to think that their baby brother doesn't have a life and why he is afraid to say no just amazes me. My MIL is super and she called me this weekend and asked me if her son and I had plans for the weekend..I told her yes...we were suppose to go see something that happens every year here, and I have been promised every year that we would go and see it, but then one of his sisters' call and that is the end of the story. Before I am critizied for not going on my own to this thing , I have no transportation...or else he could kiss my u no what...lots of promises broken, lots of weekend plans gone because of his loyality to his sisters. His Mom asks for nothing from him....she is wonderful...more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was!! So while you have MIL problems...I have SIL problems...do those count...? I hope things get better for you sweetie...as a MIL.. there is a limit to what we should do..how can you ever learn how to cope and how to be a good parent, spouse, with a MIL like what you have.

First of all, this is a big issue in A LOT of families! There are several books out there that are great for dealing with this problem. I just finished reading "Mama Drama" by Denise McGregor, and it totally helped. Although, I would like my mother involved in our life so this helps set boundaries and teaches how to resolve issues and be in control. Check it out! Just be careful that you are certain on your involvement with your MIL because you don't want to regret not having her apart of your life someday. Best of luck!

Unfort u can not choose your family and if seperating is the only option then do it it may make her look at what she has lost and be forced to change

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Unfort u can not choose your family and if seperating is the only option then do it it may make her look at what she has lost and be forced to change

I think she is jealous of her son in the wrong way and she need help because that's her son not her man she need to get counseling an learn how to treat Family my prayers are with you an take care keep the poison attitude away from your child.

How is she trying to contact your son through you? Is she sending letters? Calling your phone? If so you can send her letters back unopened and change your number. You are the parents and so you have the right and obligation to protect your son from whomever you feel would be harmful to him. Unless she is trying to take you to court for visitation and wins you do not have to let her see him.

Some people are just toxic to us. You need to completely severe the ties with her. Don't talk to her, don't see her, period! Don't engage her in an argument. Remain calm and tell her you can't talk to or see her anymore and then hang up and change your number. You don't need someone in your life that doesn't bless your life, but only causes pain and heartache. Allow your husband to grieve for the loss of his mother and wish that it were different. This is normal. Then you two should move on with your lives and grow your family the way you want it to be, without your MIL influence or interference. I'm sorry it has to be this way, but it's for the best for ALL of you.

My husband and I have not had contact with his parents for over 2 years. Like your MIL, mine was detrimental to our marriage. After a few years of trying to talk to her, suggesting counseling, seeking council ourselves from our pastor, we made the decision to end the relationship with her.

Although it saddens me that my daughter doesn't have both sides of her family, it is what must be done. Even after all this time she refuses to accknowledge her behavior.

Sometimes, people are more harmful to you than good. In the long run, your lives will benefit from removing contact with your MIL. I hope and pray that she will see how serious you are about the pain she is causing and be willing to change. Then you can rebuild the relationship and have a much better one.

If she doesn't, at least she won't be in your lives to disrupt it. My hubbie and I are less stressed, argue less and know that this is best for us and our daughter.

My daughter is 17months old now- I left my boyfriend(the dad) mainly because of his demanding/controlling mother and his lack of understanding and support. He took me to court for visitation - he gets 3 hours a week. Together they see her. Its a nightmare for me because they were so cruel to me-they dont deserve to see her unless they at least own up to the way they treat me. I feel defenseless and used -- I can only hope and pray that this is a phase many first time single mothers are forced to survive and maybe I'm just not seeing the big picture ? Maybe things change when the baby grows up? My only advice would be to hang in there and things will be totally different when your baby becomes a toddler and starts demanding different things and your worries then will be different than they are now. count on things to change.
Unfortunetely, I dont decide who can and cant see my child if I am a single parent...? the court decides!

I also have Major issues with my MIL - you are not alone. Remember - you are the parents and you decide who has a relationship with your child. If your MIL is abusive then I see no reason why she is "entitled" to see the child. Beware - you may get some negative comments here - I know I sure have lateley. You do what you feel is best for the welfare of your child.

You all realize that one day all of us hens are going to be somebody's mother-in-law.

Hi. I didn't read all the other responses, although MIL issues always interest me since mine is so horrible. Sounds similar to yours. Awful. Terrible temper. Sociopath. Controlling. Plus very irresponsible financially and always insisted we bail her out over and over so she wouldn't lose her house (once it was right after coming back from a trip to South America). We insisted she pay us back, which really pissed her off. That alone was stressful enough, but she was just awful to be around, plus it was spilling over to my family as well. She was forcing my husband to choose between her and me, and I told him that if I had to do it again, I probably wouldn't marry him because of his mother and his inability to stand up to her. A light bulb finally went on for him. We got counseling and he heard from someone other than me that his mother was expecting him to support her in inappropriate ways. He tried to get counseling with her, but she lied through it. We sent her to counseling for a while but it was a waste. He told her "I still care about you, but if you are calling to ask for money or to ask me to work on your house, etc, don't bother calling because we won't lend to you anymore". So she stopped calling. Although she did ask for money several more times (after no calls, cards, contact of any kind for over a year, calls and asks for money....). After the last time she was "losing her house" and we didn't save her she hasn't called back. He sends her cards for xmas, b-day and mother's day, and they don't come back, so we know she's still in her house. Our lives are totally better now. We've had a child since this all happened, and my MIL doesn't know about her. She of course knows that we might have kids, but she's too stubborn to try to change or admit any fault even if it means not knowing her grandkids. We put off having kids for a very long time because she would have made it awful. I won't subject my child to her. If she chooses to meet her grandmother someday, that's her choice. You can look up grandparent's rights for your state. In our state, if we were to divorce or one of us would pass away, the grandparents have rights to visitation. We need to make a will and talk to an attorney (on the list of things to do)...since the law is made to preserve a previous grandparent relationship, and there isn't one, we hope this won't be an issue but we need to pursue it. Sound like you at least need to try a trial separation from her. Good luck.

I feel for ya. How's this for a MIL? I've been with my husband 17 yrs, (altho only married for the past 7.) It is not my first marriage, but it was my husband's, (we met when he was 33 and I was 38 and I already had my kids). For the first 6 yrs his Mom and I got along extremely well, and I was always doing things for her, it was clear that she was manipulative and a USER, but it was his Mom and I didn't want to say no to her many requests...he lived in the same house with his family (in the upstairs rented apt) until we bought our home 2 states away in 2000. His family is very dysfunctional, they FEED off of each other, and I saw that his living at home in his 30's and 40's was the reason she had such a hold on him. Anyway, I made him a surprise 40th b'day party 11 yrs ago (before he and I lived together) and she ran over me with the preparations. She didn't lift a finger or spend a dime on the costly party, yet she felt that she could do as she pleased. She "managed" an Elvis impersonator who was clearly scamming her and taking her money. (he ended scamming her out of $120,000 before he was done!) Tom didn't like him and HATED Elvis music, yet she insisted this man come and supply the music. I told her NO WAY, my husband's friends made fun of his Mom's relationship with this man and teased him and it would be a source of embarrassment for him. She agreed that she would only bring "Elvis" as a guest only, he would not come in his "costume" and sing. She would supply a normal DJ for music. Well, 2 wks before the party, I got wind that she was manipulating behind my back to not only have him sing a few songs, but bring his family and his band and entire entourage including his "fan club", on MY DIME. It was clear she was using Tom's party to "promote" this idiot. When I approached her with my findings, she screamed at me and threatened to sabotage his party by telling him and ruining the surprise. I spent 2 sleepless weeks crying my eyes out over the stress this woman put me thru. She was "disinvited" but came anyway with the whole entourage, and the man DID sing, and my husband was so angry that a fight ensued and he moved out the next day to my home, and we started looking for a home in PA, far away from their NY home and we bought a home together. He and I both stopped talking to her for 3 years...life was peaceful and wonderful, until she resurfaced when he and I got engaged and begged us to take her back into her life. I said one thing to her: "I will forgive you, but not forget, screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. If you EVER manipulate and scheme behind my back again, you will be out of our lives forever." She came to our wedding on our property that year, and stayed with us for a few months. I again became close to her. She came for long visits, even with a gf, and all the holidays. My home was open to her. Then 10 yrs after his 40th, I decided to make him another surprise party for his 50th. You would think she would have learned her lesson, but she got into a tiff with me 2 months before and BEHIND MY BACK, ran with my guest list and made her own party for him in NY and didn't invite me or even tell me about it. Lucky for her, I got wind of it a week before and showed up against her wishes, but my husband said that if she had not invited me, he would have walked out, how would he explain to his boss and coworkers WHERE his wife was. Her making this party was the FIRST STRAW, she jeapardized my own party as many did not want to come to two parties, so close to each other, and opted to come to hers only, and backed out of mine. But with only weeks left before MY upcoming party, I worried that she would maliciously ruin his surprise. Then 3 days before his party, she blew his surprise by telling him of his upcoming party that weekend. Years of planning shot to hell. I had the dignity of not telling him about HER party in advance, yet her vindictiveness made her blow his surprise for MINE. My party was huge, a themed party which took many months to plan, and hers was a last minute cheap restaurant dinner. Needless to say, I made it clear to her, that SHE WILL NEVER BE WELCOME IN OUR HOME AGAIN. Like I said, screw me once, shame on you....etc. We're done! Tom still sees his Mom on his own, but she will never again be here for Thanksg/Christmas and holidays. Sometimes you have to walk away from someone who is vindictive and abusive, because if you give them an inch, they will take a foot or a mile. A leopard doesn't change their spots...and she proved that old saying...

Whether it be your in law family or your own family it is difficult to understand or a better way of saying it coming to grips that this is the way they are. I say from experience that trying to understand it all is a futile effort because you will analyze and reflect on the situation untill you drive yourself nuts and frustration will set in.

With that said you would presume that I cut these people out of my life. If it was this simple I would, but it is family. Family is there whether you want them or not. I do limit my conversations with the person(s) and only deal with them when it is needed. When I do it is very factual and even toned. If they want to get nasty, I call them on it and say, "Please do not speak to me this way." If they continue to not listen to me, end the conversation and tell them you are done talking.

I definately agree limit contact with your child(ren) because you want to teach your kid(s) that there is good in life and good people and things here. That this example is not welcome in your life or your house.

Accept the fact that she continues because she it gets to you. Accept the fact that she will not change. Accept the fact that she will always be challenging to deal with. Accept that the only thing that you can control is your and your reaction to it all. As you can see from the responses there are many that deal with your exact situation. It is not easy or right, but it is there. I am sorry that you are dealing with this and I understand how you feel.