Mending a Little Girls Broken Heart

She has to come to under stand this on her own in her own time ..but for you , you just be there for her and let her know you will always be there for her ...on those days he skips out on visitation ,if its posible ,do somthing special with her or for her something as simple as baking cookies or staying up late to watch a movie with you on a school night ...all she needs to know is youll be there...wether or not he is ....

Keep the lines of communication open she is growing and smart,she is realizing maybe mommy and daddy aren't getting back together and where do I go,where do I fit in.

I have an 11 year old daughter, so I understand some what the way this age group thinks. Brittney did give you good advice. The best thing in the world to do is love her unconditionally yourself. Make sure she knows that you are available if she needs to talk to you about anything. Maybe she'll open up to you more about exactly why she feels the way she does...if you make yourself availabe, and she knows you truly care, she probably will. One other suggestion I have is that I do know a truly wonderful counselor who works with that age group. I ended up taking my daughter to this counselor because of issues at school--they way the other girls treat her and each other. She had a tough time handling it, and I found myself at a loss with suggestions. This woman is wonderful, and I recommend her highly!! She helped us both so much. If you want to know who and where she is, ask. Good luck.

That's a hard thing. Gosh. I remember my mom always telling me that 'sometimes big people don't always do whats right, but that doesn't mean it's your fault'. My dad wasn't in the picture until I was about 15. She stopped protecting him so to speak, and let me find out who he really was on my own. She didn't ever bad mouth him or try to persuade my thinking. I finally figured out after a while that some people just don't get it, and unfortunately, they never will. I think you can just be extra loving and comforting to her. Let her know that YOU care and that YOU will always be there. Also let Dad know that this will come back to bite him in the butt. She won't want anything to do with him later if he neglects her in the crucial years. Maybe try some kind of counseling, too. Someone else letting her know it's not her fault, etc. may help.

Good luck. It's so hard to see our kids' hearts break.

Well, first of all the cell phone is the least of your worries. Almost every cellular phone company has pre-paid phones, get her one of those...then you're able to monitor her minutes. She'd get a new phone. Problem solved. I sense a tone through your text. you need to make sure that isn't coming through to your daughter...whether you like what dad is doing or not you need to bite your tongue on this one.

Take your daughter to a counselor. Get her someone to talk to who is neutral, so she can work through all her feelings without the worry of offending either parent. Children need someone to help learn how to deal with their feelings, and if a parent is not able to do this in an unbiased way, then it's that parents responsibility to find someone who can.

I am not in any way saying that what dad is doing is right!! IT'S NOT!!! Don't misunderstand me...but your responsibility is to your daughter to teach her how to deal with the situation the way it is. People are not always going to do what is fair, and the earlier a child learns to cope in a healthy way the fuller life the child will live.

And even tho you think you may be her best friend and you can talk about anything you'd be amazed how a neutral party can help...and if your daughter wishes, you can find a counselor that will allow you to set right beside her IF that is what your daughter wants, but I would definitely incourage her to do it alone expecially after she becomes comfortable with the counselor...so she can say whatever is on her mind without worrying about your feelings in the process.

The counselor will explain to her that her feelings are completely normal, she has every right to feel those feelings, and that this is in no way her fault.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a mother is give control to a professional expecially when it comes to emotional situations but it really is the best solution some times. This will not separate you and your daughter, you will still be as close as ever but it will show your daughter that you support her!!

A.,
just keep reasuring her that you love her and don't force her
into anything and that you are there for her. Don't say any
negitive about him to her and let her form her own thoughts and make him clean up his own messes he creates! As for the
girl friend,,,you can't make her like her,,she probley thinks
she is keeping you and your husband apart and if that's not
the case then you should tell her,,it's not fair to the girlfriend if she hasn't done anything...good luck to all of
you.

P.
missouri

Dear A.,
My son and I went thru the same situation. Talk to your daughter's school counselor. There is usually a counseling service they can get you in touch with. In our case it was free. You can't control your ex's behavior but you can support your daughter thru this time in her life. Counselors are very used to dealing with this type of situation. My son improved very quickly with the knowledge he got from her. And when my ex was asked to join in - he learned that some of his choices weren't for the best. A knowledgeable third party was the best thing we could have done. All the best, S.

I feel for you. I have a 4, 6, and 10 year old, and separated almost a year ago. Most days it seems like our job is damage control, fixing what the other half does. The kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Your daughter sees the changes, and sees what is going on. Encourage her to tell you why she doesn't want to go. Ask her what goes on when she is there. She has to know that there is a safe place to talk about her feelings without consequences. She likely doesn't feel like she can talk to her dad for fear he will "cut her out" completely, which is how they perceive things. If you can get her to open up, whether it's to you or another adult that she trusts, then you have a starting point, and maybe you can communicate these things to her dad. Unfortunately, you can't predict or control how he will respond. All you can do is love and support the girls. You're right, you can't protect them while they're with their father, and it's an awful feeling as a mom. As far as the cell phone, who knows what his motives are? I doubt it is aimed at your daughter. He obviously isn't thinking of anyone but himself right now. Perhaps all of this is an attempt to punish you for leaving him.. mine does the same thing. Unfortunately, the kids are the ones that pay the price. I've learned the hard way through this that we can't be responsible for the other adult, and we can't bear their cross. Don't make excuses for him to the girls. Just be honest with them, always. And if you don't know the answer, then tell them so. They need that trust. Like I said, damage control. I wish you the best.. stay strong!

I am so sorry for you and the girls. You stated that your ex never and does not now, listen to you. However, maybe he will listen to his daughter. Why don't you sit down with her and help her frame some questions for her father. "Dad, why have you cut out a day of seeing us to work, but when we talk to you, you are not working? What are you doing?" Make them reasonable and explain that grownups sometimes don't do the right things even though they are supposed to have lots of practice. Don't make the questions aggressive, just reasonable. Help her frame them in kid-sized words so that they don't sound like an inquiry from you. Men can tune out ex wives way easier than their little girls.
I don't know how you feel about God, but He feels a great deal about you and your children. If you haven't already, turn this whole thing over to him. He is the best advocate you or your girls will ever have.
God Bless you and keep you.

It's unforunate that he cannot see how his behavior is having a direct reflection on hers. He sounds a bit inmature. I have not met too many men that know how to act like a MAN.

I have been divorced before and its not easy. All you can do is let things play out and keep explaining to her how this is definetly not her fault. There is an age in Kansas as to when they can make their own decisions, but I can't remember what age they can decide whether or not they want to visit the other parent. It's really best not to tell them anything negative about the other parent and just to listen when they are venting. It just keeps you out of the loop and it also keeps them (ie the children) from blaming you or finding fault with your relationship.

Yes, your child will see things for themselves as the years go. When it gets out of hand you can try and talk with him, but it may not work. He may think your trying to turn the child against him, which that doesn't sound like the case at all. He sounds like he is letting something else control his decisons, instead of thinking about how his decisions affect his children. That happens alot on both sides sometimes.

Explain to her that life isn't fair and part of being divorced is losing some of the quality of life we had before. She is not being punished by not having a cell phone. He may be trying to punish her, or maybe she is text messaging too much. It's possible that he may not be able to afford it. I'm not trying to take sides or anything, cause he sounds pretty inmature. You can't protect her from the pain of divorce, you can lighten the pain, but ultimately your children do pay the price and that in itself is sad. I have been there and it's difficult. It will get better though as time goes on she will see how he is and he will reap the consequences of how he is currently treating her. GIRLS grow up much too quickly and see life for how it really is. HANG IN THERE....YOU sound like a wonderful MOMMY...HUGS J.

My parents divorced when I was 6y/o. My dad had my brother and I every other weekend and every summer my mom was very mean to my dad and talked bad about him, just trying to sabotage my relationship with him. After time we have become stronger and well my relationship with my mom is strained due to the interference on her part in my life with my dad. My dad and I are incredably close. The fact that you try to help him with her and maintain the relationship between them is great in the long run she will rember this and be glad for you. I know it is hard,ask your daughter if something happened to make her not want to go over there. That happened to me.. I became scared about something at my dads between my step mom and dad that made me not want to go there. Just ask. Remain positive about there relationship and keep trying to talk to your ex in the long run it will help it just takes time.

Great advice from Brittany. I'm a re-married with 2 from the first and 1 more with my husband. It is so important to not bad mouth her father, but also to not protect him, but protect and guard her and her heart. I found the best way to do that is to always encourage her relationship with him, while keeping yours strong with her. Teach her how to be accountable for her own feelings and behavior and to never own someone else's.. . . even if it's her dads. I would figure out a way to communicate with him (for you) on a regular basis for her sake. It's been over 13 years since my divorce and we are all in a great place now. E-mail me if you need to talk some more about it. ____@____.com

Listen that other woman could be saying/doing things to your daughter(s)...don't make her go IF she doesn't want too. Maybe then your ex will see that he's starting to lose his daughters & will come to his senses. Secondly....STOP making excuses to her for her father's behavior...let him cut the phone off & that will create more tension on him, your daughter is old enough for you to be totally honest with her...she see that Daddy is a liar because he's not at work when he say that's the reason he can't get her/them. You must keep encouraging her that this has nothing to do with her, her behavior & so on but that's it's some changes that her father is going through & he's going to have to work it out. Good luck & God Bless! Also pray about this situation & include your daughters in on praying with you.

Just from reading one sentence I can tell you it is probably your ex husbands girlfriend. She's young and does not understand the love you feel for a biological child and how important these years are. With your love and support - continueous - she will start to understand that she's done nothing wrong. Let her go with her gut on this because maybe when you are not around somehow her dad treats her a little different with the new girlfriend - & YOUR DAUGHTER CAN FEEL THIS INSTINCTIVELY. I am sure that he loves her deeply, but perhaps she even might be a little jealous. WHICH IS NORMAL. As far as the cell phone, have you tried a pre paid phone with minutes on it. Go to Walmart and get her a 40 -50 dollar phone with minutes, teach her how to add minutes to her phone with a phone card. She will still have a phone and feel even more independent if it is her very own., she might need to feel a little more grown up with these huge transitions. Don't forget about prayer. She is a child of God and your prayers will keep you both together.

My mom was a single parent, and I had almost no contact with my father when I was growing up. My advice is to not say anything bad about him, and let her know that you will always help her though anything. My mom made the rejection from my dad easier on me by just being there. Also, maybe you can look into getting her involved with big brothers/big sisters. My mom did and it helped me a lot. It was nice to know that there was another adult who I could trust, and she loved spending time with me. I also could talk to her about things that I could not talk to my mom about. I will pray for you and your family.

I think you got some great advice here. Also, I believe that he may be feeling some guilt or he doesn't know how to deal with it or maybe even the girlfriend is pressuring him for some reason. I'd just not nag at him and just simply say, "Look, she's not getting over it. Something else needs to be done. Letting her do it by herself isn't working." I think that is all that needs to be said and maybe he will get it. If you say too much, they tend to tune you out. School counselor I think would help a lot too and reassurance from you.

Hey there A.!
I think you are doing a great job so just hang in there. The one thing that I can't stress enough is to never-ever bad mouth her dad infront of her. No matter how mad he makes you over this. You don't have to defend him because that is his job but he is the only dad she's got. Did you ever see the movie Hope Floats? I'm not comparing him to the dad in that movie but rememeber when the mom had to let her daughter find out on her own what kind of dad he had become? If you haven't seen it, rent it! Oh! Have lots of tissue handy. Everyday just remind her how much you love her and be the better person when it comes to her dad. Good Luck! I'll say a prayer for you guys.

-K.

Say it is not her fault!!!! That simple. Have u given her the sex talk yet? If yeah then tell her about your ex's wang taking over his thought process. If not, than maybe it is time. Also, if your ex can't communicate with you at all maybe he shouldn't be seeing your daughter. I know that in Ca to have visitation BOTH parents have to go to an orientation about the need to communicate when the child is picked up & dropped off so that there are no "suprises" about the child's behavior. If the both of you cannot put your differences aside for the sake of your daughter's welfare than some sort of counciling is needed for you, your daughter, your ex & his girlfriend. Your girl is worth it & is the future of America!!! Put some good into her life. Maybe she is also depressed because she feels the strain between households.
Also if she doesn't want to go every visit, don't make her. Let her play hooky & say she is sick. Maybe if you do that for her than maybe she may open up to you more as to why she doesn't want to go. If it's his girlfriend that she doesn't like than tell him it is back to custody court if he doesn't start to get his priorities straight. Her time with him should be quality & one on one, not watching a girl probibly in her early twenties lickin on his earlobe like a floozy in front of your girl. Time to comminicate with him & be a momma bear for your daughter. Tell him your daughter's time is precious so he should tell Tootsy to hit the road for that day to let him be with his little girl. Probibly when he gets her for visits it's probibly all about flooziod & not your daughter & thats not fair & not very adult of him. Tell him to keep it in his pants for a day & stop being a horny jerk - invest in a bottle of lotion SLIMEBALL!!! Sorry hahahaha, I have a exboyfriend who is my daughter's father, he left me for a younger/dumber after I accused him of molesting his daughter of a prev marriage & he couldn't answer me straight. Won by a landslide in court & moved from North California to here in Kansas cause he ain't touchin my kid!!!
PS don't ever badmouth your ex in front of your girl. Let her make up her own mind about how he acts, he'll hang himself.