My Pre Teen

Wow. My advice, put very strict limitations on the phone. Or let her run the bill up nice and high since he's the one paying (oops...that wasn't nice was it).

I would suggest getting her a prepaid cell phone. It stops once she has used all her minutes and will teach her restraint. This way too you can keep her on a budget, and make rules about earning minutes for her cellphone.

I would have her surrender the phone to you when she walks in your door. Your house, your rules. I would let her earn cell phone time with good behavior. Like maybe if she does all her chores and doesn't sass all day, then she gets cell phone priviledges for an hour at night. Of course, she should use the phone in your presence...no locking herself in her room where you can't monitor her. It sucks being the bad guy, but sometimes thats what being a parent means. It sucks even more that her dad gets to be the good guy....at least in her eyes. But, you can't let her manipulate the situation and she needs to see that you mean what you say. If she realizes she can just go behind your back to her dad, she will. In the meantime....I am assuming the cellphone is in the king's name and he is footing the bill? If so, than I would find some best pals that live overseas and make sure you only use this cell-phone to call them. Maybe once he gets the bill, he'll be singing a different tune about 11 year olds needing a phone. LOL, I know its petty and childish, but so is your ex =)

Hi M.. I know this is late but I just logged on today. I hope you have gotten some good advice thus far. I would definitely say talk to her Dad about deceit and how would he like if she lied to him about a boy or drugs etc. What he just did was give her a ticket to lie and sneak. He thought he was trying to hurt your image but he hurt his. Of course your daughter doesn't see that now but eventually she will. I would definitely not let her have the phone so she doesn't think that that behaivor is acceptable. Since your daughter thinks she is old enough to handle a cell phone try to sit down and ask her if what had just transpired appropriate behaivor. Tell her this is a test to see if she is really as mature as she says she is. Right now constant communication with her is key so she doesn't withdraw from you. God Bless!

Hi - that is a a tough one. He deliberately defied you and then made your daughter complicit. That is wrong

Here is some good news? My son is 10 1/2. 90% of kids we know with divorced parents/two households have cell phones purely for communication. They are expensive so be glad he is footing the bill. Wait til he realizes just how many texts they can send. If she loses it, he has to replace it.

Taking it away seems futile. i would all three sit down and agree on rules. Turned off during school. Turned off and in a neutral place after 8:30 or 9 every night. Not turned on in morning until she is completely ready to walk out the door for school etc

You can check her bill online - insist on access

Hope you can work it out. GOod luck.

O boy! First of all i would have a talk with him because things are only going to get harder as she moves into the teenage years and you two need to be on the same page. Maybe dig up the statistics Oprah had on her show about the number of kids your daughters age that had sent(received) nude photos over text or had been sent a sexual message...that might wake him up! At this point I think you cant remove the gift BUT you can set limitations on it. You hang onto it except between the hours of __ and __, when she can text away...or she only gets it on the weekends. I would also talk to her about sending messages and pictures and how they are FOREVER tied to her as there is a permanent record that will follow her. Good luck I cant imagine my child at this age!

Your daughter sounds like a lucky girl. A mom and a dad and a step dad who really care about her. A mom who is willing to meet her half way and work on a relationship with her.

But an 11 year old needs to know - she doesn't run things. And Mom and Dad are the ultimate authority.

I would allow her to have the cell phone only after she made complete and sincere apology for lying. If she gets in the habit of lying to get her way - it will be down hill from here. And, I would only allow the cell phone is she was going to be somewhere where neither parent was with her. Like to the mall or someplace like that.

Her dad ought to be ashamed of himself for encouraging her to lie. I'd question his ability to provide proper supervision.

Wasn't it Roseanne Arnold who told her daughter "my work here is done" when her daughter told her she was ruining her life. It's not our job to be our kid's buddy - it's our job to be their parent and that often means not being popular or even liked by our kids.

Ohhhhh that's very sad. Your ex. is pitting you against your daughter. My son is the same age and keeps on me about a cell phone. He is in 6th grade and if he had more extracurricular activities, I would get it. Next year, he will be attending a school that is farther away from our home. We will probably break down and get it for, either Christmas (which is when my contract expires for my phone) or wait until his Spring birthday.

However NONE of this is really the issue here. She was dishonest and knew your feelings about this - it's more his fault than hers but, her actions played a big part in this. You say that her father "had her lie about it".....so sorry. He may have "suggested it"...., she just chose to "lie". If there is really a need to have a cell phone - and if he's paying for it, better yet. It's also a way that you/her and dad/and her will be able to keep tabs on her better and possibly communicate more.

If you really do not want her to have the phone, end it right there. Done. If she believes that she was getting it in a year or two-then have her wait. If she has shown responsibility in the past and the issue is more the sneakiness that came with the phone, consider keeping it. However, she must promise that her lying to you must NEVER happen again and can be used as a life lesson for any future "cahoots" that her and her dad would like to do, against your will.

Good luck.

Good luck.

That's really too bad that your ex would go behind your back on this- AND encourage your daughter to lie to you on top of it! But... the damage is done. I really feel like this cat is out of the bag and can't be stuffed back in. If you take away a gift, it somehow seems meaner than just saying she can't have a cell phone, you know?

I think your ex sees this as a way to score popularity points over you- but what he really did was put his daughter into a really awful position - telling her to lie to you, having to go 'against' one or the other of you- its just totally unhealthy.

Sit down with her and have a long talk about what your concerns are and how upset you are that she lied to you about this. She should apologize for lying, but also know that she can talk to you, even if you don't always agree about things.

My son is almost 10. Like you, I ABSOLUTELY do not believe kids that age need cell phones. However, due to absolutely unavoidable financial circumstances this year, I have to work until 5 PM at least 4 days per week- and we can't afford my son's afterschool care right now.

So he is walking home after school 3 or 4 days a week, letting himself in, etc. He is very mature for his age and walks with other kids and we have two dogs who are home with him and other moms are helping me out with playdates etc.

But because of this big change, I decided I wanted him to have a cell phone. He has it for his walk home, and sometimes calls me from school to ask if he can go to someone's house for a play date. He calls me as soon as he gets home, when he has finished his homework, etc. He has a couple of other friends who also have phones and will occasionally call them to get together to play, watch Star Wars Clone Wars, etc.

I think your daughter is at that age where being in touch with her girlfriends is becoming really important. She doesn't want to be left out of things. If you impress upon her that the cell phone will have RULES and stick to them, I think you should allow her to try it, since she already has it.

Also, make sure YOU have the number and LEARN TO TEXT. A co-worker of mine with teen daughters said texting is the best way to keep in touch with your kids as they get older! It isn't as embarrassing as a call from mom and dad- no one can see who you're texting to, but it allows communication to stay open between mom and daughter.

Make sure you daughter knows that if you text or call her she had better pick up, or no phone! As long as the privileged isn't abused, give it a try. good luck!

I guess I look at it as, If her father is paying for it I would let her have it. My son had one at an early age because he played in sports and had other events that he needed to be picked up at. A cell phone was cheaper that the pay phone calls.
It was wrong of her father to do what he did. Teaching a child to lie is a big negative but It probably was to gain brownie points in his favor.
But, in my eyes I would worry more about her being on-line with her lap top than her cell phone. If she looses it or it gets damaged it is her fathers problem not yours.
I was lucky my son was very responsible when it came to his cell phone because we do not have much money and he knew that if anything happened to the phone he was not getting another one.
I think I would be talking to her father first, then the three of you sit down and try to talk this out. I wish the best for you.

S.

Well,this is tough, I raise my children like this,......sometimes you have to chosse you battles...............
So even if I had said, you can't dye your hair black,but my son 16, did come home with black hair.I was very angry, but figured, I deyed my hair by age 12 and he has good grades in school,behaves etc,it's just hair, not a tatoo.

My children, 14,16 and 5 don't have a cell phone.
They have wanted one when they started jr.High ,because they felt, everyone has one,bla,bla bla.
I said, well tough you are just different, I guess.
I want my children to be individuals, and don't feel they have to go with the flow all the time.
And they are extremely individual,don't care what people think.I always think ahead from the beginning.How do I want my children to be in 10 years????

I do believe in cell phone in special cirumstances, but I'm a STHM, always available.Didn't really need one.

And I think if you let her have the phone right away,this behavior will continue behind your back.
I'm not worried about being popular with my kids,saying no is harder than yes,but at the end it's worth it.

I would not have her keep it for now,tell the ex,nice try and grow up, and tell your daughter,she can be cool without a phone at this age, and maybe one day,give her this one for the right reason.
Good luck,
is hard to do the right thing all the time

Good for you M.!

The only reason an 11 year old should need a cell phone is if she is walking home at dark, by herself. Even if they are in sports or whatever and they need to call for a ride, I'm sure every coach has a phone that she can use. It's hard to be the bad guy but I think you are doing the right thing. I think High School is early enough for kids to be getting phones. Although I can understand why kids want one, I look back at my high school days and I'm glad we didn't have them. How many times did you use the excuse I couldn't find a phone to call you? lol Or I had no change or I didn't know I had to call. lol Anyway, you need to set a goal for her to reach in order to get the phone back. That is if you feel she should even get it back. If it's attitude, grades, whatever. If you really are against it, and I don't blame you, then give her an age or an event (graduation) that she can have one. This way she has something to look forward to and she knows that you are being reasonable. If you pick and age or an event make sure that you tell her that it will also depend on her responsibility to have one at that time. Good luck, you're doing a great job!

I am opposed to cell phones for this age too. But I had to give in. We have no home phone and my son was giving my cell number to his friends, which is my business phone. We decided to get him a pay as you go phone that we pay for only if he earns it. (Right now it is out of money and dead)

Is your ex paying her monthly fees? If not then I would give it back but have her pay for it next month. YOu will soon see how she will learn to earn money and behave if it means losing her precious cell phone. This is their connection to their friends. I can't believe how much texting my son does. He is now trying to earn a place on our plan by getting straight A's. No they are not NEEDED like you said but they are the norm. And boy will they work hard for them :)

If your ex is paying her monthly fees then personally I would let it go but definitely use it to your advantage to get what you need from her. It does work. Good Luck

Unfortunately even last night I was listening to a litany of how discouraging life with me was and am still paying for betrayal of our King and my son is nineteen !Pleeze does this ever end? (I know I know he should probably move out but he is in school and does work-I was just going to regale the world with all the bad things I apparently did and our King was wonderful. Perhaps he should move in with the King). Anyway, this is not about me, but about you. Your daughter is only eleven, yes she is in a world of eleven year olds that have cel phones and you made a statement and stuck with it. You were betrayed, she was given one anyway and my opinion is it's kind of one of the many no win situations as she will always remember unless dad undoes it somehow but he won't.Soooo, just keep it and let her earn the use. I don't know how that would be, but perhaps good behavior, etc. oh gosh eleven is so young to have a cel phone, what was this man thinking? Anyway, they do have about two year contracts so you could save it as she continues to get older and let her use it upon conditions. When she is out with friends, etc. They really do not need them. Schools do not permit their use and take them away and I doubt that you are dropping her off at the mall and she has to call you and in which case there are still those pay phones or now all her friends have one. Well, she won't forget it, but you could barter with it and put it away for an indeterminate amount of time. You could give it back and let him worry about the two hundred dollar broken contract and he will probably let her use it behind your back when they are together...so you just stick your guns whatever they may be. I am sure there will be other issues besides this one.Thank goodness he is your ex.

Hey mom I think you need to have a serious talk with her dad, he is the problem, you two have to stick together when it comes to the children if not they will turn on you and not him because they will view him as being on their side, you said no and he went against you by buying the phone and by saying one thing and do another. Good Luck

I have read some of the responces and you got ome great advice. Let her know that you are upset because she lied to you. You trusted her and she has broken that trust. The dad just wants to make you out to be the mean person and he is the savior. Don't fall into his game. Keep the phone for about 2 weeks for the lie and let her know how wrong it is for her to lie to you about anything. Now dealing with her father is another issue. Let him know that if he can't be a man of his word then his daughter will learn from him that your word means nothing just do what you want, and is that the lesson he wants her to learn from him. Tell him not say one thing in front of me and your daughter then go behind my back and do the opposite and have our daughter lie. If you teach her to lie about a cell phone then she will think lying is acceptable because Daddy told me to lie to mommy.

My girlfriend just went through something similiar for a different reason but the same results... Mom is mean Dad is king blah blah blah! You know the routine!

Well, this has been going on for a few years now since she was about 9 and is 12 now. This last time when she heard all that she grabbed a few large bags and started packing up her things and told her since Dad is so great she can go live with him and she can be the fun and irresponsible Mom every other weekend. The daughter started crying and begging not to make her live with him right away. Thankfully this did not backfire but it was her last resort... and she would have followed through if it did back fire though. Things have been more peaceful since this incident a few months ago and the daughter is treating Mom with respect! It is not fool proof but as a last resort you may want to do the same!

I really wish you luck and patience! These years are going to be the most difficult and you need to know which battles to fight! Sometimes compromise works too! My sister has a 12 year old who has had a cell phone for 3 years- he is diabetic and active though. Until this last year it has had a restriction of only a few numbers he could call and the same for incoming calls. Now he has earned texting and phone but it can disappear just as quickly and only be used again for emergencies like before! He is VERY careful about not losing this priveledge... and he knows that is exactly what it is!

Good luck and many blessings to you and yours!

This is a tough one.
I hate when one parent undermines the other. My mom is doing that to my son, always giving him what he wants. Hate it with a passion.

You can't explain it to your daughter to her satisfaction. She will be difficult about it no doubt, but the point is that she knew this was wrong. They both lied and that's the end of it. Good luck!

I am not sure you should punish her for her father's obviously immature behavior. She already has the phone, so I would just place rules on it. Maybe she can only use it when she goes to a friends house (it is easier to get ahold of them when you don't have to call the friend's house and can call her directly) don't let her take it to school, or talk/text all night long. It is also a great punishment tool when she misbehaves. Make her earn it with good behavior/grades. He must be paying the bill, so it won't be a waste to you if she can't use it for periods of time. Good Luck!!