May I Just Need to Be Alone?

I believe that you're not ready for this move. I think you should wait until you can't stand to not be with him.

Good luck!

You know in your heart the right answer and you just need to hear it (for some reason) from strangers to help validate what you're already thinking, so here comes your Ree-Al-Uh-T...

It's not enough to want to be with someone because they offer you security and/or because they are in love with you. If you were truely in love with this man, you would not be thinking you need your space-- you would want your space filled with MORE time together with him. That's great that you "like" him, but please do not move in with a man you are obviously not head over heels in love with. Wait for someone who knocks your socks off and makes you want to spend the rest of your life with him. No relationship is ALL roses-- every relationship has ups and downs, but he is not "the one". No need to break up with him, but definetely do NOT turn your world and your child's world upside down for a man you obviously don't think is worth it. I am not the old fashioned type who thinks it's not OK to live with someone you aren't married to in general, but in this case if you are not in love with him enough to commit to a marriage then why would you share your life with him daily?? Stay with your parents and save up enough to get a place of your own.

Hmmm..........what if you think of "moving in" as the same as marriage.....a huge commitment. Would you still consider doing it?
In my experience, once you've moved in (especially if a child is involved), it is near-impossible to leave, because it, (imho) in the eyes of children, feels like another divorce to them. (and to the adults!)

I understand the need to feel security, but, just from what you've said here, you seem to have lots of doubts. If your bf really is someone you want to live with for the rest of your life, don't you think he'd wait until you feel more comfortable?

Chances are he's not going to "get a life" unless he does it *before* you move in. And it sounds like that "getting a life" would be a great thing for him to work on.

Some other things to consider - have your children and his spent a lot of time together? How does that go? How are both of your relationships with your ex's? Like it or not, you'll be dealing with that for a very long time. Please do think about how difficult "blended families" can be........while it can be great, it's always difficult. (And you thought you were under stress now??! lol.......no sarcasm intended, just, food for thought.)

I'm no relationship guru by any means, so I wish you the best of luck determining what to do.

There's nothing wrong with being alone. And it'd make me nervous to have someone 'mad in love' with me in an obsessive way. The guy needs to find some balance and there's nothing wrong with taking things slowly. If he's the right man for you, he'll be there and wait for you to be ready. If he's in love with the idea of being in love (with anyone), he'll quickly find a new obsession and you'll have dodged a bullet. Stability for yourself and your child is the way to go. You'll be fine.

If you remember one thing remember this, do not move in with anyone just for convenience of finances. It will not work out. You didn't state in your post how long after your divorce that you started dating this guy. It just might be that you need more time. I have been divorced 3 years and have been dating this awesome guy. The thought of moving in with him scares me to death because I am like you I love my space. I even brought that up with him and we discussed how we would give each other space.
Now this doesn't mean I am not in love with him it is just I am not ready for the next step. I am still enjoying not being married. It is ok take your time. If it is meant to be forever he will still be around.

Based on the feelings you shared in your post, I think it would be a mistake to move in.

Get over the facts in your head that says a 30 to single mom needs her own place, blah, blah. LOTS of families have this type of arrangement and you don't mention any issues with your current living arrangement so why cramp your freedom for a guy and an apartment that's not really going to be "yours" anyway?

It's so refreshing to hear reality from a mature, smart single mom whose obviously not looking to a man for a "free ride" these days!

I have not read all the responses and I can not identify with your situation. However, I have 4 children, one is a step child and my 3 younger boys all play ball and what do moms do when their kids are practicing TALK. I have heard way too many times from way too many mom in blended families that if they had it to do again they would not. So, I would say if you are having doubts and still want your own space do not move in with him. Just my thoughts from a different perspective.

Listen to your gut instinct - I think you already know the answer.
Good luck

ok here's my .02
DON"T move in with a man until you've got a ring on your finger and you've heard those church bells.
It causes all kind of trouble. With you , with your child with his child. What happens if you move in with him and suddenly one of you decides that yall aren't good together? well you've got two kids that had a new mom and a new dad and now suddenly they don't. It's be like going through another divorce. ESPECIALLY if your child gets attached to him and his to you.
And what's the advantage in moving in together? nothing, know why, cause why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?
You and your son are definitely worth more than that. Don't sell yourself short by moving in with this guy just for some "security" when in the long run it's not very secure at all.

There is a very good chance that your child will do MUCH better in the long run if you do not move in with someone. Especially with other children added to the equation. All of those issues create unnecessary drama in a child's life - time when they should be focusing on growing up to be functional people (rather than learning how to cope with ever changing family structures).

Are there exceptions to this rule? Of course. But that takes major dedication and commitment, and even then it doesn't always work out.

JMO. Good luck to you and your child.

I was in this situation as the child. My mom moved back in with her parents and younger siblings when she was 27 and I was 5. She didn't like the situation, being a very stong-minded & -willed woman, but also didn't want to be dependent on a man.

She talked about how she had to abide by her parents' rules (their house, their rules) but did because she loved me and herself enough to be patient for the right time and situation. She saved 4 years to get a small home for us, and owns it outright today.

She didn't mix her lovelife with mine because she felt that undermined our relationship with complications. She didn't remarry until I was in college and has been married happily for over 14 years. She payed for my college and bought me 2 cars outright with cash.

I am very grateful today she gave me these examples, both of her emotional and fiscal strength, and I hope you will listen to your inner voice and be patient as well. Perhaps this is not the right time or situation for your little family. Our inner voice is often the strongest tool we have -- don't neglect or disrespect your intuition.

GOOD LUCK YOU STONG WOMAN!

If you stop and read your question you will be able to answer this yourself. You spoke volumes. This relationship is a waste of your time. If you feel this way you are plain and simply with the wrong person. He may be a super wonderful guy and everything a woman would want, but you don't. I would say definately DON'T move in with him and cut your ties. You can't have a happy one sided relationship. Plus, you are blocking yourself from meeting the person that does give you all the warm fuzzy feelings. Don't settle. It is not good for you or your child.

I would encourage you not to move in with, or continue dating, your boyfriend. My sister has spent many years living with one boyfriend or another for "financial security", and she is so unhappy. I hate how it affects her and her son. Based upon your posting, it would seem that you already know what you need to do; be kind, and let your boyfriend move on. I love to read quotations, so here are a few on the subject:

"Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."
-Dali Lama

"Don't settle for anything but mad, passionate, extraordinary love. There are too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn't be one of them"
-Anais Nin

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Anais Nin

You owe it to yourself, and your child, to have what you truly want and deserve. Never settle; that is not the example you want to show your child. You have a home to live in and food to eat. So, it isn't what you dreamed of when you were younger; life rarely is. Maybe this would be a good opportunity to pursue some further education or look for other, more permanent jobs or just a good time to figure out what your goals are now and how to get there. A pseudo-relationship for the sake of financial security will probably not be on the list of things to do, because you can do better. Good luck!

Um don't do it... With this many reservatins before you've even begun to do the looking for a place, or even answered him with a let's discuss this more, where more and more reservations are sure to pop up you'd be going against your own best judgement and as such your own best judgement as a mommy, which is your first and foremost priority.

You may want to reread your own post, seems to me you answered your question while asking it.

Good luck see what happens in three months revisit the idea then see how you feel and go with your gut cuz your gut seems to be pretty aware of how you should move or not move forward as far as moving in with anybody even mad in love boyfriend.

Good luck!!

Remember moving in with someone should be fun and exciting only a teensy weensy bit scarey...and scarey like oh where will this take me will we be able to afford all the stuff we want, or will we be able to agree on the color of the bedspread? Not I'm already finding this person annoying at times...is it gonna get worse??

Duh you can't move yourself into feeling better about how you feel about your time alone by moving yourself and child in with the very person you want time away for yourself from... That's just crazy!!!

Doesn't seem like you're in love with this man so, my advice to you is don't move in with him. It will turn out to be an unhealthy relationship. Also, you should let him know how you feel. If he's looking for something serious like starting a family then give him the opportunity with someone else.

If you feel like he is suffocating you now then not only do you not need to move in with him, you should really break up with him. It may be that you just enjoy having someone to spend time with, but this man is obviously ready to move forward and you are not. If he was the right one you would be ready to move forward too. Enjoy your "me" time and give the rest to your sweet little one - they grow up SO fast and you won't always have them there to spend time with. I enjoyed the post from the person who gave the child's perspective and truly respected their mom for giving such a great example. You'll do the right thing!

Not been in your situation but it does not sound like you are ready. If you care about it, let him know that you do but that you are not ready to move out. If you want more free 'you' time, try to get a place of your own. Then you can send your child to your parents house occasionally and have a night alone (or with your boyfriend).

There is nothing wrong with wanting 'me' time. Even in the best marriage, both people need that time away from the other in order to grow and appreciate the other person. There is nothing selfish in that.

My daughter was 3yrs old (almost 4) when I got together with my hubby. I had spent a total of 8yrs with her bio father, never married. She didn't get to spend much time with her step father because we lived 900 miles apart at the time and we moved to be with him only after a few months. She did just fine in adjusting to him and even if we did live near her bio father, her step dad is much more of a dad to her. I was almost 30 when we got together, had a son with him at 32 and we've been married for 6 yrs come Nov and we couldn't be happier with eachother.

I give you kudos for not just rushing in to live with this guy and that you are keeping your daughter's needs in check. But if you feel like you can't live with him then don't do it. Talk to him about your feelings about needing me time and what not. If you are going to have a relationship with him, then you need to be able to talk about your wants, needs and feelings with him be it good or bad!!

good luck!
S.