8 Yr Son Is Unhappy About Moving

I'm mostly asking questions here because your post says very little about this move and your and your son's relationships with boyfriend and his son. I'm not saying move or don't move, but I've got some questions I'm wondering if you have asked yourself and worked through with your boyfriend:

Have you really thought through this move from the perspective of what is best for him? Saving money is clearly important, no doubt, but is this move the best thing for him and have you prepared him for it adequately?

He will be gaining an instant "brother." How do these boys get along right now? Do they already know each other and get along? Do they have little interaction so they're mostly strangers to each other? How does the older boy treat your younger one now?

Even if it's positive between the boys now -- and I"m assuming here they do see each other now, before you move in -- that could change. The older boy will have a younger kid on his turf, in his space. Your son will lose his familiar home overnight and suddenly become a "sibling" in effect if not in reality. Your son may not be able to articulate this to you yet, but he is plenty old enough to realize on some level that he is being forced (even if you don't feel it's 'forcing,' he will) into a relationship with an adult and child who are not his family. Right now he has you to himself. Overnight he will have to share you, his space, his stuff. It is a HUGE and profound change for him. Is it the right change?

You do not mention some extremely important factors here other than finances. Where do these things stand:

What relationship do your son and boyfriend have right now? Your son may say he likes boyfriend, but that does not mean son is ready to live with him.
Boyfriend may think that "The boys will be playmates for each other, that's great!" and so may you, but that does not necessarily follow and isn't realistic. Living under the same roof is likelier to cause friction than bonding. Ask siblings who fight.

Are you and boyfriend ready to handle it together, on the same page and maturely if the boys do not get along? Every time? Is boyfriend mature and objective enough to say it when his own son is wrong and yours is right? Are you able to do the same with his son?

Does boyfriend have the same values, attitudes and techniques as you on discipline, for instance? If boyfriend is a confirmed spanker and you not -- problem. If you are easygoing and let things be and choose battles, and he is tougher -- problem. If you are the "bad guy" who enforces all discipline but he is the "good guy" -- problem. Will his son accept discipline from you? Will yours accept discipline from him? Will each boy respect the other boy's parent?

How involved will your boyfriend be in decisions about your son--schooling, activities, friendships? And vice versa for your involvement with his son? Or will it be like there are two separate households under one roof because each parent is parenting a child differently?

If boyfriend's son's mom is in the picture, are you ready and williing to be seeing her and interacting with her on a regular basis? Are you prepared for any comments she might make about your moving in? Are you prepared to work with her when it's pickup time or dropoff time and boyfriend isn't around to handle it?

Will your son have to change schools because of this move? You don't mention that. Again, a huge change for a child, especially one who is also undergoing a huge change of an instant family. Do you want to bring two such large changes into his life at once?

It sounds just based on the post like you are looking at the finances and logistics but not at the fact you would be blending families. Unless you and boyfriend are willing to work on being a family and raising both boys the same way with the same, consistent discipline and values, and unless you are willing to make your son feel VERY secure, and unless you are willing to work hard with boyfriend if the boys do not get along -- and at times they will not -- I would not do this but would find any other way to save money. It's NOT about how much you love your boyfriend; it's about what is best for your son.

If you have thought through all these things and just haven't mentioned them in the post, and you and boyfriend have actually talked extensively about your child-rearing attitudes and agree on things -- that's different. But your son still will need help because he still will know he's no longer the center of your attention.

"I will not have an unhappy child over it." You've answered your own question. In your heart, you already know what's best for your son.

I'd get my own apartment for now.
Moving in with your boyfriend for free rent will only cripple you. It wont be "free" as he will expect you to do what a woman would normally do if she's going to be a man's house wife.
It does not sound like your son is ready to make that jump, for his sake I wouldnt.
I'd check the apartments in your area and try to find one that is affordable. Your self esteem will stay in tact if you take care of yourself and your boy on your own.

I can see why your child is upset. He is being uprooted so you can have an instant family, self gratification and yeah, save a little money.

Why don't you get an apartment, model the behavior you would want your son to have when he has a relationship years down the road. Show him that you can make it in your business and make it on your own. He'll learn more by watching you succeed and how you do it vs taking an easy way out that is to your benefit.

Take your time and make your son your priority and make sure he knows that. He knows he is not a priority right now, bf is.

Your son does not "buy" the saving money part, neither do I. He is old enough to know what you are doing. Your bf's boy probably does not have to be there 24/7 like your son would. I feel bad for your son as well.

I don't mean to sound like a prude, but when children are involved it's usually a bad idea to move in together unless you're married. Maybe you've been with this guy for years and years, but if you are not ready to marry him then you are not ready to call this a "forever" thing. Until you both have that commitment, I wouldn't live together.

Kids need stability. They need their home to be completely comfortable. He's obviously not comfortable with the situation. That doesn't mean that he won't be soon, but he isn't now and forcing him to move might really cause lots of problems.

Blending families and living together are not the same thing. If you're going to do this, make sure you are both in it for the long haul!

As I finished reading your post, I felt bad for your son. He's just simply not ready and may feel insecure about his relationship with your boyfriend, his son, etc. How do he and your boyfriends son get along? Is the kid nice or bossy... lots of things to consider that may not have any effect on you whatsoever. Do you have any other options? Good luck to you...and your son!

I'd avoid trying to make an 'instant family' by moving in with the boyfriend unless it was already a long term relationship and marriage were in the picture.
This isn't 'The Brady Bunch'.
This could be a jump from the frying pan into the fire.
What if things go badly and you find yourself stuck and unable to move out?
It's bad to fall into 'I need a man to rescue me' mode - it can turn into a pattern that is tough to break.
Maintain your independence - it's great for your self esteem and your son.
Find a smaller apartment, rent a room, or move in temporarily with family.
Use a women s shelter as a resource and see if they can help you find housing.
See what social services has to say.
Additional:
With more info - I'd still have to say get your own apartment for you and your son.
It sounds like you've only known this boyfriend for a few months and NO WAY is that a basis for moving in together.
Don't dismiss his feelings about this - playing together with someone and having to live with them is totally different and the little mean comments are not going to go away.
Throw in the fact that your boyfriend disciplines differently than you and you set yourself up for a tug of war between your boyfriend and your son and it's not right.
Your son comes before the boyfriend - get another apartment for your little family and maintain your independence.
Go slow with your boyfriend.

No such thing as a "free lunch".....don't move in with the man until your child feels safe and comfortable. Spend some time with all four of you at your boyfriend's house. Let your boyfriend show your child where his space in the house would be. You would be better off in a studio apartment then in a place where your child feels unwanted and unhappy.

I think your son has had a lot of upheaval in his young life. You are proposing to move in with a man you are not married to. It sounds like your son is not comfortable with this. His feelings come first. You and your son need to find a place to live alone for now.

You don't say what concerns your son about the move. Is it just the idea of change or does he have specific reasons for being upset. Have you asked him? Or have you just been doing the "sell job" which is what it sounds like from your post. Time for some deep conversation where you just listen and don't try to counter each of his points.

Hi,
OK, you don't give much info here, like why your son doesn't like the idea of moving. IS it the idea of moving at all? Does he have issues with the BF or the BF's own child? Is he afraid that he would be doing something that would not be "loyal" to his own Dad, or was he still kind of hopeful that you would end up back with his own father? Is it just ANY move that he would dislike? Does he not like your boyfriend for specific reasons? what is their relationship like now, without you all living together? How often do you all spend time together? How well does your son know him?Does he know the BF's son at all? Will they have to share a bedroom? Maybe he thinks he will have to share his "things" with this other boy, or worse yet, his Mom. Has he been taught, by you OR his father, that you should be married prior to living together? Don't laugh, my own child got very upset when one of my friends were moving in with someone, and I have NEVER told my kids that gem. I lived with my hubby for 3 yrs prior to our wedding. (also before kids) Anyway, my child got the tidbit of info from my Mother and VBS...LOL. I think I need additional info before I could really answer the ?? well, but I do know that lots of kids have issues with moving, and they ALL get over it at some point. My daughters hated me for 2 months when we moved, but after that they wouldn't move back if we had PAID them. LOL That was a long distance move though. Are you moving far away, far from friends? Please post more info, and I will try to answer...........................

I am thinking of 2 things H..:
We have moved several times because of my husband's job. The last time we moved, my older kid was 8, and he was sad and upset that he had to leave his friends, his house behind. He overcame this very well in a couple of months, we even helped him to keep contact with his friends until he met new ones H. where we live now. It is a phase, it is life. We just gave him lots of support and expressions of love to help him. Kids get used to everything if we teach them so.
Second and probably the most important part I see H., is that your kid feels upset because you are moving in with someone else who is not his father, he may be feeling sad or angry or uncomfortable because he is not just moving out of his house, his comfort zone but moving in with other people who are not his family. So, I think you need to be sure that is the person you will share your life for ever, and many changes will come with 2 different families living together. Just give him a further thought and be supportive. Take care and good luck!

Hi there,
Sounds like your son is unhappy about this and you've said that you won't have an unhappy child over it, so that's that. I would be very, very careful about taking such an enormous step (moving in with a man and his son) with your child in tow. Is this a man you plan on marrying? If you are engaged, that's an entirely other matter. Children need stability; what happens if this living arrangement doesn't work?? You would then uproot him again? I'd think very carefully about this, and like another mother said below, you are setting a very important example for your son. Choose wisely.

And P.S. Nothing is ever 'free' :)