13Yr Old Not Wanting Me to Have Another Baby.

I'll give you my 2 cents. This is a red flag. The boyfriend should not be disciplining your son. He should not be the one telling him to take out the trash. You are taking the wrong path. It will not get any better between the two of them, only worse. I see this over and over and over again. You need to put your children first. You should NOT be sleeping together in front of your son. Sends the wrong message. If you can afford to live without the boyfriend, then do so until your son is on college. 5 years. You only have one chance to raise your son and build that relationship. He's in the terrible age of teenager. he will start his rebelling and separation and growing up years now, starting his independence. He will resent you and the boyfriend. Just date, don't live together. Your son is the man of the house, your boyfriend is a visitor/company only. don't mess this up. Good luck

This is a sticky subject. There are people who often advise that the "boyfriend" should not discipline the child... but when a boyfriend becomes a step dad everything changes. My mom's "boyfriend" when I was little became the father who raised me... but in your situation, it's much different because your son is already a teenager and doesn't need a man to step into his life and try to help raise him. I think bringing a child into this family is the least of your concerns right now and you should WAIT--- give it a year and then decide if you still want a baby. I know several people have advised you to not live together yet-- I'm not sure if this is a "moral" issue or what for those who said that, but I disagree with that advice. I think if he has been a long distance relationship and you're thinking there will be a marriage and another child, you NEED to live together first and see what the family dynamic is between the 3 of you before you make any long term plans. You need to all sit down together and figure out how your little family unit will work. No, he should not barge into your son's life and tell him what to do--- but on the other hand, he shouldn't have to sit back and watch quietly while your son is disrespectful to you.

I can kind of relate to your son. I was 13 when my mom had my half-brother whom I loved! Then whe I was 16 she had my half-sister...the love? yeah not so much...actually only in the last couple of years have we started getting along. I'm 33 now, she'll be 17 soon. Anyway, it sounds like your son is the man of the house and he feels treatened by another male figure in the house stepping on his turf. However, he is still the child and you are still the mom. I would suggest taking it down to his level and really ask him why he feels the way he does. Get him to open up about his feelings without making it seem you are drilling him. If you can keep the channels of communication open then you can address his real concerns. But the big issue is he needs to understand his place and its not his decision if you and your bf have another child or not, but that you want him to be included and part of the child's life. And if he is not treating or speaking to you with respect you need to nip that in the bud...how he treats you will ultimately be how he treats his future wife and you have to ask yourself if thats okay.

Good luck! Not sure if any of that psycho babble will help.
E.

R.,

I have a 13 yr old Granson who is 'ours' (legal gaurdianship) and has been off & on since age 3 months. He is VERY jealous of his two siblings and always has been, when he was 3 the littlest boy came along then, at age 5 the little girl. Sometimes his resentment is so intense you can actually feel it in the air. We just love them all equally and let them know that, other than that there is nothing to be done, we didn't get PG, his Mother did, we just deal with the fallout and give them all the love & security that we can.

Letting another man into your life is hard enough for hime to share and talking about another child is TOO MUCH. Give him some time to adjust to the marriage (and yourselves) he needs to feel a part of the new family before introducing YOUR baby into the household, it may be he thinks (13 yr old boys don't often SAY what they actually feel) you are putting him to the side for a new family that does NOT include him, otherwise why would you be talking about marriage AND a baby?????

Take some time for ALL of you, THEN start thinking/talking about a new sibling, when he KNOWS his place in the family is concrete and he can welcome a new baby without giving up his special spot in the family.

As to your boyfriend speaking out to him about what he should or should not do, that is a tightrope and should be tread lightly, he isn't the Father yet so a few words here & there are fine but full blown rules & regs by the boyfriend will only harbor resentment.

Hope it all works out!

A.

R.,

First of all, to address the boyfriend moving in -- not a good idea. If he wants to get married, that's one thing, but moving in first is a big mistake. It will confuse your son and send him the wrong message about love and marriage.
Next, the boyfriend should in NO way be telling your son what to do and bossing him around. He is Not his dad and he should not be telling him what he should or shouldn't do. If he wants to ever have a good relationship with your son as a dad, he will have to earn it by loving him and treating him like a nephew or a friends child for a few years. Your son has no reason to trust him, afterall, he is "taking his mom away" and your son will naturally be defensive of this. You should not expect any different.
Your boyfriend will have to be the mature one and this includes making as many sacrifices as needed in order to make the family work together. He needs to lead by example with love and tolerance and gradually (in a few years) work into the parenting role once he has built a lot of trust in your son by his acceptance and through spending a lot of time together bonding.
You are his parent and must continue to be the one to parent and discipline him. If you let him talk to you wrong, than you need to change your discipline techniques, but in no way should your boyfriend come in trying to discipline your son.
I don't blame your son for getting upset - I would too if someone came into my home and started telling me what to do when they haven't earned the right to. Him being your boyfriend doesn't qualify him to fill that role, he must earn it.
As far as having another baby, you will have to explain to your son that this may or may not happen, but if it does, you will not love him any less and then if you do get pregnant, you will have to include him in the entire process and make him a part of it. Let him help choose clothing or other items and help decide the colors for the room, etc... Talk to him about it often and get some good books and videos to talk about together. Make him feel connected to the baby.
Of course he has jealousy and rightly so, you are about to turn his world upside down. You must help him as much as possible to adjust. And that means taking each step very slowly and giving him time to get used to it.
Whatever you do, don't exclude him and don't "choose sides" with the boyfriend against your son. You will be the cause of a lifetime of bitterness and resentment and unresolved anger.
Also remember that your son came along first and you will damage your relationship tremendously if you suddenly put him and his feelings on the back burner.
Your boyfriend needs to read up on becoming a step-dad and stay out of the parenting role for a few years to give your son room to bond with him. You can't do both at the same time.
Another thing, after only a year of dating you are supposed to move in together - not a wise decision! I know you are probably thinking - oh, but we Love each other so much... doesn't matter! You will still Love each other in another year or two and who knows, maybe you won't and you will save yourself and your son a lot of grief by waiting. You are responsible for raising your son in the right way. Can you really do that with the distraction of a boyfriend who is obviously not making great decisions. He will only make worse decisions once you are married. I am not so sure that either of you are really thinking things through. It seems more so that you are making feelings oriented decisions rather than smart ones. Step away from your emotions and consider what is the smart and wise thing to do in order to be a responsible adult. Love can decieve us in many ways, but you must be able to step back and make great choices.
I married my husband when my son was 11 (now 20) and I am telling you this from experience!!!
Take Care,
T.

just do not force it.
when i got divorced and my ex found a woman
he wanted to marry he forced it with our sons.
if he would have taken it more slowly i believe
things would have been easier. my oldest was your sons age when this happened and to this day it is a disaster.
that was 25 yrs ago........so take it slowly and let your boyfriend keep bonding whit this man....they have to do guy things and have more of a relationship so you son feels more comfortable with this man....so go slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
this bonding might take a year since he moved in but whats the hurry....you pay special attention and have alone time with
you son like before your boyfriend moved in...and your boyfriend have along time doing guy stuff without you..
and they all three of you doing things together..
hope this helps............

It's great that you have found someone to love that loves you. I wonder if you and your boyfriend are ready to get married and if you are truely right for each other. Although kids, especially teenagers can have trouble accepting a new parent into the household, I don't think it would be so bad if he had been seeing many many occasions where this new man truely cares for and loves his mom and that his mom is so happy and not just in puppy love. I may be way off, but it's something to consider. Pre-marital counseling is best for everyone. It allows you to both discuss things that most couples assume won't be a problem and then down the line, it is a problem. Dr. Phil has a great premarital quiz that helps open the lines of expectations before you get married. As for him moving in before you guys get married, I would strongly advise against it. Your sone needs time to accept this union, and whatever it may bring, children, etc. Allowing him to help you plan a wedding and plan the marriage, the home, your finances, etc, will help him adjust and feel like he is a part of it. Although he is a child and your happiness and wisdom is the ultimate authority in your decision, he doesn have an important opinion. You are asking him to share his family with someone whom he has no respect for. I would also suggest some bonding time with him, just the new guy and him, something low key, nothing corny, just plain fun, allowing them to be friends first. On the last note, the boyfriend is right now just the boyfriend and does have a place in the home or the discipline. That is your job as his mother. If he is not doing his chores, that is your responsibility. I wouldn't expect my friends or neighbors to tell my kids what to do without a HUGE display of commitment to our family and a new member.ie: Marriage. If he is disrespecting you, it is ok for a man ( in any relationship) to say," This is my friend/girlfriend, etc, and you may not talk to her like that." Saying don't talk to your mother like that is like a stranger telling you not to talk to your child in a certain way, whether they are right or not, it makes a person feel defensive and then they won't listen and will just feel attacked. By allowing him to see you in the eyes of a cared for and loved person of someonw else, it will help him to develop respect. My husband will always say, you need to speak politely to my wife, or don't let me ever catch you talking to MY wife that way. The kids really respect that. Even with carting for our home or our pets, I refer to them as MY dog or my couch, they respect it much more than if it was just the dog or the couch. I really advise some premarital counseling for all of you. You need a time to plan the marriage and future with open lines of communication and your son needs a chance to fully voice himself in a safe situation with a mediator who is not taking sides and will assure that he is allowed to speak and be heard. He may see some things that your love-filled eyes don't see. neither of you need to have 20/20 hindsight and find yourself with a really angry 15 year old, a new baby and a divorce impending. Listen to his reasons, he may not understand, but I bet he sees something you don't. He wants you to be happy and to have a whole complete family, but understand his tension. If you live in the Jax area, contact www.thechurchgroup.com and someone can help you with counseling.

First of all, get married first then move in together. If he puts up a fight about getting married first, then it will never happen. Most men would say lets live together, have this baby and then we will get hitched. It usually would not happen. And what kind of example would you be setting for you son. That's probably why he is so upset. You only been dating for 1 year, not enough time. Girl take it from me, I am in that situation now. HE promised marriage, 4 years later, no ring or date set. Wisen up and be there for your son, he is the main priority. Good Luck.

3.

i don't know whether or not you are a Christian but if you are you can look in the bible where it speaks of treating even step parents as you would a biological parent and your soon to be husband would have every right in the world to treat your son as such. i was a step child starting at age 13 and i could only wish that my stepfather would have cared enough. he never wanted me around.i grew up in a non Christian home with very abusive parents and only became a Christian after i got into my second marriage where we have 3 boys together. you have to have the authority as the parent. if he wants to be a part of your sons life and he is not abusive then the man you are marrying is doing the right thing. the only problem i had with my mothers husband becoming my stepfather was that she went behind my back to marry him and never asked me why i didn't like him. now the few times over the years that i have seen them he treats me like a friend instead of the stepchild. my mother said that his problem was he never wanted children and he got 3 when he married my mother.

R.,

Your son is afraid of being replaced. The best thing to do is be 'frank' with him and let him know that you love him, that no one could ever replace him, that you want to be happy also and although he makes you happy in many other ways so does your boyfriend. Tell him that although you understand he has only had to listen to you all these years that each person in a family has to respect the others and has to help out. He will have to respect your boyfriend and do what he is asked, unless it's out of reason. Let him get used to being a family of 3 and having a second parent before exploring the baby idea. Realize that he has been the sole recipient of the majority of your energy and attention for 13 years and it will be a major adjustment for him to have to share that attention.

Brainstorm ideas with your son on ways to keep the communication open between the two of you and ways to help all three of you during this time of transition. Here are some starter ideas: set aside a date night once a week for you and your son to go out where you will commit 1 hour to just the two of you (#1 rule - do not break this committment); designate one night for a family meeting where everyone gathers in the living room with the tv off and talks (you will need to come up with a list of topics to help spur conversation: play an 'ice breaker' game (short to semi-short b/c you don't want the game to become the focus); talk about summer/winter plans and what everyone would like to do; vacation; set a timer out and have each person talk about how they think things are going around the house, what could be better, likes, dislikes, the upcoming weeks schedule of who needs to be where when including doctors appt's, etc.; sometimes you may have to bite your tongue and wait until the following weeks family meeting to let your son know that you thought about what he said/his request and say no. He just wants to know that his opinion still matters, he needs to see (not just hear) that he isn't being replaced, and see that you are making special time for him.

It's a tough balancing act but you will figure it out!

I was in the same boat as you one time and this is the mistakes that I found out.

My now ex husband was living with me and my three kids and he totally wanted to be there friend. The kids really liked him until about 1 week after we were married. He decided to start telling them what to do and not do. He was very demanding and the kids were use to mom the "marshmellow" and they started to resent him. We decided to have a child of our own and once he came along the other three were treated differently. We separated when my son was 13 months old. Now that the children are older, they tolerate him, but still do not like what he did to me ro them.

Your son is at a very vulnerable age and you must be careful of what decisions you make, it will affect him the rest of his life.

Sit down and talk it over with your son, let him know that nothing will change between the two of you and a new baby would be looking up to their big brother. Let him help with all the decision making, (decorating the room, etc), it should help. Just do not exclude him from these decisions.

Good luck and let me know what happens.

S.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Stupid-Things-Parents-Do...

I grew up with a stepdad and new brother and sister (1/2). I resented them all the way up until I was 19. Fortunatly, I am lucky to have a great relationship with my sister.

I think this book spells it out the new boyfriend and new baby. Your son will feel like a guest in your house instead of a son. The question you should ask here is what's in his best interest.

Creating a stepfamily is a process. It takes time for a stepparent to earn the right to discipline his or her stepchildren. At first the relationship should be about the two of them getting to know one another and creating a bond. This means that there should be no disciplining involved until he earns his stripes. I'm especially concerned that he is disciplining your son since he lives in another state and can't have spent too much time with him.

My advice is to take it slow and not push anything. If you do, you are going to have a rebellious teenager on your hands. Your son is at a sensitive age, an age at which he is very influenced by his friends. You want to make sure he has a lot of positive influences at home. You don't say how old you are, but if time is on your side I would suggest you wait before having another baby. He needs you right now and if he's already saying that he's going to have a difficult time with a new sibling than I would wait until he gets a little older and has adjusted to the first huge change you are springing on him: his new stepfather. Give him time to deal with that first and time to make it through these rough first years of being a teenager.

Also, make sure you spend a lot of one on one time with him through the transition. He needs to know that he's still important to you. If it's been you and him for a long time you are upsetting a very delicate balance by bringing in a third family member. It takes time for equilibrium to occur. Give it time and don't push anything. If your boyfriend can live somewhere else for ahwile to ease the transition, I would suggest that. Take it slowly. It sounds like you are rushing and that can't be good for you or for your son. There's nothing wrong with taking it slowly. My son has a stepdad. We dated for two years before moving in together and it was another three before we got married. Now, after 7 years we are pregnant. My son is very excited, but he's also had a lot to adjusting time to our family situation.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Good luck!

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
About your boy: He is going through major things in his life as it is. It's a tough age. And honestly, in the big realm of things, your boyfriend does not have authority over your son as a father yet. That's exactly how your son sees it. He does have to respect you both, but it is going to take time for your son to accept the reality of having a father and that will start once you get married and provide the stability and commitment of family to him.
The more you push him the more he will rebel. Continue with your plans, involve him as much as possible, get him involved in a sport or something he likes to do so he can channel his energy and feelings through that.
There is so much more I can say, but it's hard to write it all and make sense. My husband and I worked for 11 years with boys of this age in similar situations and it is a long and hard process for them to adjust.
I truly hope it works out well and I think it's great that he will have a father figure in his life.

Best wishes!

I'm more worried about your son and boyfriend's relationship than I am about the possible addition to the family. I agree with your son about adding another baby to this mix until the first issue is resolved. Your boyfriend cannot come into the house, put his foot down and "fix" your son like it was magic.

Hopefully somebody out there can suggest a good book on effective step-parenting. Whether or not your son's father is in the picture is not relevant to the fact that your boyfriend cannot effectively move in and become a father figure to your son. He must be the step-parent. That role is really very different and you and your boyfriend will not do well if you are always fighting over how to deal with your son. A new baby will definitely not change that dynamic.

Good luck! (Please find some resources about what the role of a step-parent is and make sure you and your boyfriend agree that that is the way he needs to proceed - or I see disaster ahead for your son.)

R.,
I totally understand where you're coming from. I've read some of the replies and here is my way of thinking. It really is hard to raise a teenager (I'm raising my 11 yr old granddaughter, who looks like she is about 16, she's a great kid but, we still bicker about some things, not suprising ! ) I think you should have a talk with your son to find out why he doesn't like your boyfriend, besides the obvious, "bossing him around". Ask him specifics. Then try to explain to him that this man makes you happy and you want to be with him. (I'D WOULD WAIT ON THE BABY THING THOUGH). Make him realize that you'll always be his mom ,always be there for him and NOTHING will ever change that. You deserve to be happy as much as your son does. I'd also have a long talk with the boyfriend and explain that it's not a situation of choosing or siding, but maybe he could do some praising with your son for all the things he does right, and explain that he loves you and it hurts him to see you hurt, when he is disrespectful or defiant. That he could /will one day be his step dad and the dynamics should sort of already be in place when this happens. Ask the boyfriend if he's willing to spend one on one time with your son doing something your son has an interest in ,so that your son can see the man truly cares about him and they can start to build a positive ,loving relationship. As far as chores go, maybe a different approach is in order, maybe your boyfriend could just start dropping a friendly reminder about his chores instead of seeming demanding to your son . Maybe the boyfriend would be willing to reward him for chores being done without being told. That they both should want you to be happy. (Hopefully this man doesn't have the idea that it is a competition between the two of them.) Consider after talking with both of them one on one, sitting down together and talking about what the issues are, that way everybody hears everything the same way and your son won't build up "ammo" to play you two against each other. You and the boyfriend should also sit down and talk about disciplining styles and how to work out a mutual plan if you want this to work out long term. (That way there aren't any suprises !) If your boyfriend is willing to agree about things concerning your son (and you actually see it) I say go for it, if he doesn't, or he has the attitude "the man " should totally take charge, you may want to reconsider, before you take the next step. If all works out well and you're all 3 on the same page, then and only then ,I'd consider adding to your family.
Make sure you take the time to observe behaviors from both of them. Relationships take time and work, they don't just happen. Make sure you also make time for you and your son to have some one on one, which will reassure him that the relationship between between the 2 of you is solid. You may also want to let your son know that one day he'll be grown and find a special relationship and you deserve the same, regardless of the timing. (you know the old saying,"if Momma ain't happy, nobody's happy ". ) By the way, disagreeing on kids and they're issues is one of the top reasons why step families don't work. Do your homework beforehand ,so you both know what you're getting into . 95% of couples never seem to think about these kinds of conversations ahead of time !
Hope this has given you a positive perspective. Best of luck to all of you ! C. S.

You've had the son for 13 years and the boyfriend for one. Boyfriend's role is not to discipline. It is to support you. He has no rights to discipline your child. If your child is getting away with more than he should, then you need to be the one to polish up those skills and not have the boyfriend stand up for you to your son. That comes across as an attack. Nothing good comes from that.
You want this man in your life for YOU. Keep that in mind. This is your choice for your happiness. I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting or going for it. Just don't try to force something or someone you love onto your child. As with anything else in life... you could love going to see art films and someone else you love hates it... are you going to make them go? No, you don't push that onto the person that doesn't like it. You just enjoy it on your own and nurture your relationship with something you both love.
It could work, but you have to be careful along the way. If you're using your boyfriend to "vent" your frustrations about your son, that could be causing the boyfriend to think that it's his place to act and "fix" things. You can't do that.
I don't advise anyone just starting to know each other to start a family quickly. You need to take time to get to know the person well. You need to take time to have family moments and memories with what you have now. Babies change everything. They change what you're daily life is like and where you go, who you go with, etc. It's a lot of work and it causes a lot of stress. If you don't have much of a foundation, it could easily crack that beyond repair.
Take it slow. Let him adjust to the thought of there being one more addition *boyfriend* before having him think about being another as well. Children should not have to be forced to deal with adult issues.
You're in a tough spot. I hope you find the right path.

Dr. Phil would advise that the biological parent (you) do all the disciplining. The child will resent a step parent doing this, so you and your boyfriend should agree on rules, chores ect., but you need to be the one that carries it out and provides consequences when the child does not obey. As for another child, please please wait until your son is adjusted to another Dad. He will always resent the new baby, if he is not totally accepting of a step parent. YOu are just asking for trouble.

Hello R.,

I can understand your frustration and the position of your child. I am 24 years old and have a 6 year old daughter. I can understand you, your son and your boyfriend.

A few question I would ask myself, Why not be married first before he relocates and moves in? If the intent is there to be married then why not make it a requirement one for yourself two for your boyfriends and three for your son's respect and level of expectations for himself when he gets older.

Also, it is great to have the extra hand in raising your child. My ex boyfriend helped alot in getting the other things I missed. We are "single" in parenting which isnt how it is not what it was designed to be so I feel you on the part its a great help. And Sometimes it is hard to put two different point of views into one household.

I also feel you are giving your 13year old child "friend" status. Rather then a parent child relationship you are giving your son the freedom to tell you what to do. Dont get me wrong it is great to get your child's opinion which can contribute to your decision but kids want their parents to be happy and they also want to be considered but they also want rules and restrictions. If you decide to marry or move in together it is your decisions to make not your childs so as long as you give him the feeling he has a say then he is going to tell you the opposite of what you want. Boys need good role models .

I hope that this has helped and it is hard to give all the input into this area... I hope you dont feel I am being judgemental ... I understand where you are and I hope you work things out.

Here's my two cents worth. Don't get married right way. It sounds to me that you have not spent a lot of time one on one with your boyfreind since you say he is moving closer to you. Give it time once he is here. Don't live together either. Once you do get married in a year or two, wait to have kids. I have seen so may of my friends of divorce marry, add to the family and the kid from the divorce kind of gets pushed to the side. It is really sad. i don't think they mean for it to happen but it does and the kids really resents it. So give it lots of time. Don't rush into anything. If your boyfriend doesn't want to wait and take things slow he is not the right one you your family.