Starting a 'Patchwork' Family

The other question I have is why is his daughter going to be at home another 6 years? Most 18-19 yr olds go away to college. My own kids graduated from high school and went to college and maybe came home one summer after that and then were on their own. There is some problem there if she is so socially awkward and has no life and no friends to speak of.

Get some counseling. By all means, do NOT move in with him until you are certain that everybody is on the same page.

Is there any reason, after dating 3 years, that you would move in together without being married? It isn't a good 'trial run' when there are children involved. If you move in together now, neither of your children will see it as a permanent situation. Then, if and when you decide to marry, it will be a whole new period of re-adjustment to the now permanent situation. My SIL lived with her bf for several years and everything was great with his kids (who lived with his ex but visited often). When they decided to get married, the kids FREAKED and now they hardly ever see them. It probably has a lot to do with the ex but I really think if they had just married from the get go they would've avoided a lot of that. The kids got used to the semi-permanent situation and then struggled with the whole idea of their relationship being permanent. Also, how would your bf feel if his 18 year old daughter decided to move in with a guy? She is an adult now, and can make her own decisions. You should not do anything that you would not want her to do (the same goes for the example you are setting for your own daughter). I am not a prude and yes, I lived with my husband before I married him, but there were no children involved. If I found myself single I can honestly say that I would not move in with someone unless all my children were grown and out of the house. I know it is hard being on your own and the idea of seeing your bf more often sounds appealing, but I don't think moving in is a good idea unless you are at least engaged. Good luck!

My advice is not to move in with him. With what you describe, his daughter and your daughter for that matter will have all they need to wreak havoc on your relationship if you do.

My only advice is to get him to move her into a dorm or something and you both get a new place of your own (neither moves into the other's existing home). Even if you do that, you will still likely have trouble with your child. Chances are she's loving having you to herself and will resent him messing up her comfortable arrangement.

I remarried when my daughter was 10 and it was extremely difficult. We spent just about the rest of the time she lived with us in counseling that never seemed to help and almost cost me my marriage. If I had to do it all over, I'd probably wait til she turned 18 and went off to college.

I realize this probably isn't what you wanted to hear but that was my experience. I had high hopes of putting together the most wonderful family and it just wasn't as easy as it should have been. That's with only one of us with a child.

First of all I would advise you to ask the God in you to order your steps. Secondly, I personally would have to fall back on my old mother's teaching of why buy the cow when the milk's free. At 40 years old, I would say that you should have an idea of what it takes to be someone's wife. Note I said wife not mate. Most people that live together do not see the difference. We have yours, mine and ours in our lives. Though I must admit that all the kids are grown and his son entered the picture during his senior year, after his mom kept him away from us his entire life, was faced with divorce and no funds. He's great and we get along.

Anything that you want to work can, if you are willing to put forth the effort. His daughter is a young adult. find time to be sincere and ask her what she thinks about it. If she is negative, keep in mind that you will have to deal with her the rest of your relationship. If it were me, I would lay all my concerns in the open to begin with and sort of ask every family member to do the same. If in your heart you feel something is not right, keep moving. If he loves you he will continue to visit or marry you. If moving into his home is an issue, consider both of you moving into new digs. That way you both are heads of the household.

At 49, I would continue to focus on my 10 year old and what is best for her. Setting an example and protecting her are what matters and trust that the God in you will have His way regardless of what plans we make. I will tell you honestly that I having 2 daughters would not live with anyone ever again. My story is somewhat tragic but I was younger and want to remain focused on today, so I won't dwell on it. It's easy to move in with others, another thing to live with them and what kind of living are we subjected to while doing so. Bless you my sister and may wisdom and grace follow you and yours, all your days.

Your question should be "what would be best for my daughter" and not what would be best for you. It is always more difficult on the child than the parent. If you and your daughter are close now and have a great relationship, this could change if you moved in. Blending families is very difficult and most of the time does not work (the percentage of blended families that work out is much much lower than those that end up in a break up or divorce). It looks like you already have problems so I would wait until your daughter graduates from high school - by that time, the other daughter will be out of the house.

Good Luck - K

I was in a similar situation. My boyfriend had two boys, 10 and 11. I had a ten year old son. we didn't see each other much and thought it would be better to all move in together. The ex-wife was not supportive at all. I did not have a close relationship with his kids and it just seemed that the longer we lived together, the less support I would get with my boyfriend. His boys almost had NO respect for me, their mother would just egg them on....I even heard her tell them one night that they didn't have to listen to me at all. My boyfriend couldn't grow a pair and do anything about it! Needless, to say after about 2 years of living together, I started to become miserable and it really started to bother my son because he wasn't used to all the drama. And if you are not happy, your kids are not happy. Well after two years the boyfriend and I started having problems bc i felt like I got No support from him! We triend counceling, but he would not stick to it. After living together 3 yrs, I decided for my sanity, I needed to move out. My son and I have been away from them for 3 months now. I am doing better and my son is a whole new person just because his mother is happy again and not in all that stress and drama. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but if I had to do it again, I would do it a lot differently now. I don't really know what exactly I would do different, but if you own a home, I would rent it out and not sell it. I would also not merge bills and credit cards. Just be careful and think about it. I have also been through a lot in my life. I could move in a heartbeat, but it is different whe you have kids, and now I feel bad that I drug my son through all that.

You have a lot of things to consider.

I would not suggest just moving in with your boyfriend without the definite possibility of marriage being discussed. You have to think about your 10yo and the message you are sending to her by moving in with your BF and still having a doubt in your mind that it might / might not work out.

Your boyfriend's daughter is 18 and technically an adult. You cannot move in and expect to "tell her what to do." That is not your place and she's an adult. You have to determine if you will be able to communicate with her on an adult level.

If you boyfriend already spends this much time catering to his daughter because she doesn't have any friends - please believe that the amount of time he spends with you and your daughter will not increase or change if you move in with him. The convenience factor will be there for him - he can be in his home, with his daughter and doesn't have to drive anywhere to see you.

Perhaps you should take this opportunity to step back and think about what and who you - and your daughter - need in your life now. You've been divorced 3 years and with your BF for 2. That's not a lot of time to determine what you need or want in life. For your daughter's sake you have to make decisions that are right for both of you.

I've never been in your shoes, but I really don't think I'd bring my daughter into a live in situation with a boyfriend. No matter how great he is. After two years dating what kind of committment to you and your child is "I want to live with you." I vote stay on your own and don't complicate your lives further. A bigger question to you is: What kind of relationships do you want your daughter to have with men. What kind of relationship is the best? The info about the teenager is secondary to where you see yourself going with the relationship with your boyfriend and how this looks to your young daughter who is really a pre-teen. How do you plan on approaching dating, courtship etc. with her?

I think both your daughter and your boyfriend's daughter will lose respect for the both of you. Your boyfriend already has shown you disrespect. If he really loved you, he would commit to you for the rest of his life. If he's not there yet, then fine, give it some more time. Hold out for true love. You need to expect more because you are worth it. And you need to teach these two young women in your life how a woman should never give herself to a man who just wants to get the milk without paying for the cow. Too many young women think they are only good for one thing - a man's pleasure.

It sounds to me as though you already know in your heart of hearts that this is not going to workout, at least not very well. You think his daughter is closed to you now...just wait till you are the other adult woman in the household. the only way this situation would have any chance of working out is if you two got married "BEFORE" you move in. and even then it would be difficult at best! If this man is not ready to commit to you in marriage after two years, then please don't move in with him, you owe your own daughter a better example than that! It sounds as though his daughter has some serious issues, emotionally. And there is always a risk when you put an 18 year old in with a 10 year old, she will be displaying 18 yr old behavior to her, way before she is ready to be around it. It's hard enough when they are siblings, but these two girls are not. Also there is the fact that you and your boyfriend only see each other a couple of times per week. That makes it really hard to suddenly transition to living together. i feel that if you married first it would be hard enough to work it all out but just living together makes it really easy to walk away when things don't work out, and they won't...not easily anyway. your daughter has already been through the divorce of you and her dad, please don't make her traipse in and out of live in relationships with you now too! It's not fair to her!
BTW, I married my boyfriend whom I only saw twice a week(Distance between our homes) and It was a tremendous adjustment..still is after 3 years. both of our children were already grown and out of the house. Try being together 7 days a week, before you move in! He is a totally different person the other 5 days a week, than you know him as 2 days a week!

I would hold out on moving in with him...why mess up a good thing. You have him, you daughter has you alone in her own space most of the time and his daughter has him in a place where she feels safe. Neither his daughter or yours has to feel uncomfortable are unwanted by someone in their home. I would be nervous about leaving my child in the house with an 18 year old who feels isolated and whos father can't leave her alone.

I would spend the next few years living apart and when his daughter moves out then you can get married and move in...plus your daughter will be older and while she will always need your attention..she won't need it so much ona daily basis because she will have her own social lie by then.

Good Luck!

I would not move in with him. Respect yourself and teach your daughter to wait until marriage. Wait until there is a man who wants to be with you and love you for the rest of your life. Moving in with him would be creating many more problems that you and your daughter do not need.

No. There are some problems with you and his daughter now. Moving in together would only compound things and may even create more resentment and MORE problems.

Both daughters need to see that if there is love and commitment in your relationship, then YOU get married and move in together.

Living together (before kids) is not a good idea, in my opinion. Living together with 2 sets of kids from different marriages, backgrounds, etc... is a really BAD idea. Especially when the relationship is so-so between some of you. You do NOT want his daughter to be a bad example for your daughter!

I wouldn't do it.
You already foresee problems with you and his daughter. If you were married, there would be more justification for the two of you to get along, but in this situation, it would be much less comfortable. Not being her mother, nor her stepmother, it would be difficult to convince her to respect you. If that problem spirals out of control, it could very well end the relationship.

Everyone has their own value system, and I don't want to preach to you. Just think about whether the message you send to your daughter by moving in with him is the message you want her to have. I'm not going to tell you it's right or wrong for that reason, because value systems are so personal; just make sure you consult your own before you make a decision. It's easy to forget to do that when love blinds us.

If you were married, it wouldn't necessarily be easier to get along with his daughter, but I think you would get more support from him and from his family when you try to make it work, and that could make all the difference. So, if I were you, I'd hold out a little longer.

A.,
All I can say is from my own experiences, first and foermost DON'T FORCE things, two years is really not that much time. She may still be uncomfortable/unsure with you too. Remember, just like your daughter, her world has drastically changed.

I think divorce with teens is compounded by the normal teen insecurities and makes it harder to develop a relationship, but it can be done. Just be kind, be yourself, be patient and consistent, in the long run that will earn her trust and respect. I know it worked with my boyfriend(husband now) Let her have Dad time too( big mistake on my ex's part). Obviously she needs some healthy socialization with kids her own age,you and her dad should find ways to encourage that.

But you and your boyfriend do need to be on the same page for expectations with both girls, otherwise things can get out of control and needlessly damage relationships.

I told my daughter in ref to her stepmom, you don't have to like her but I do expect you to demonstrate general courtesy and respect. Her dad should expect at least this from her.
It is really good that she gets along with your daughter.
It would be good if you both sat down and asked, both girls separately ,how she would feel if you moved in. Allow her to express herself. She may say things you don't want to hear but perhaps if she sees that you value her opinion anyways, it will do a lot to open communications and trust. I think though by just asking her, she may surprise you. There will need to be some give and take on both sides, but if she knows that she won't be losing her home if you move in that can be helpful too.

Hope some of this helps
A.

You have gotten a lot of good advise here and I agree with them all. You don't only have his daughter to think about but you have yours as well. Remember you will be setting an example to your daughters and I wouldn't move in unless a wedding date is set and is in the planning. It will be hard on the girls if you two do not work out and split after they feel settled again. I would have your boyfriend sit down with his daughter and have a long heart to heart talk with his daughter and let her know that the two of you are thinking of having you and your daughter move in. She what she feels about it. I am sure she would be more open with her father than having to give her answer to you both at the same time. To be honest, if she is uncomfortable with you moving in then I would not do it because trouble will only brew. That doesn't mean you aren't deserving of a life because you are, but you certainly don't want to put yourself or any of you in a situation that will cause turmoil. You may be surprised that she really does like you and would be open to you moving in. Remember, you are moving in to her space and you all need to make it "your" place. Talk to your daughter as well. She may not be up for it either or she may be thrilled. You have them to think about and maybe then all of you can sit down and have a long talk on what you expect etc. Do not move in and not be able to tell the girls what you want done around the house etc. because it will then be your house as well and you don't won't to live with stress as that will not help your relationship at all. I must agree though that after 2 years of dating and now he wants you to move in, why doesn't he want to marry you and make you all a family???? Good Luck to you in your decision but remember the decision doesn't just involve you and your boyfriend. It is a big step to take.

If I were you,I would definetly have a serious heart to heart talk with both daughters and your boyfriend and find out what expectations are and feeling pro/con.If you can live with their feelings,go for it.I can tell you,that if something about one of them gets on your nerves now,it will intesify ALOT when you are living with them.If you see your boyfriend only twice a week,are you sure you want to live there?

There are going to be major problems with his daughter if you move in! She is the woman of the house and will hate it if you move in. If you're not ready for the battle and the resulting resentment she will have towards her dad I'd wait until she was out of the house to move in.

With his daughter being 18, there is not much you can do with her parenting wise. Will she be living at home whilst in college? It is GREAT that the 2 girls get along so well. I know it seems like 2 years is a long time in order for someone to open up, but she is a teenager and most likely has been hurt in the past by mom or other girlfriends. She may just be making sure you are sticking around before she puts in any emotional investment.

The best you can do is have a "family" meeting with the 4 of you and hash it al out before you move in. This is where you would lay down all your expectations and concerns and work out all the gory everyday details. She is an adult so you need to treat her as such.

Good Luck!