Looking for Anyone Who Knows About Custody/ Visitation Issues

We went thru the same thing with our adult daughter and her 2 children with 2 different fathers. Legally, their biological father has most rights that he would if you were married to him, UNLESS you go to court and he agrees to relinquish those rights. In my daughters case the father never showed up in court so the judge automatically granted permanent full custody to my daughter which is what she wanted. The best thing to do is get a lawyer and go to court.

Normally I would say let him see his son. It sucks. I actually hate allowing my ex to take my son every other weekend. Part of me wanted to tell him since he couldn't be bothered to be a dad until our son was 4 then I just can not be bothered now. And it is hard on my husband to not be the only man in my son's life. BUT if your ex was abusive to you and has been rather wishy washy in the past then I would not jump to letting him see your son. I would contact a lawyer and find out for sure what your options are. If you are concerned in anyway for your son's safety while with your ex then supervised visitation can be set up. Then he will have to deal with more then just you. He can't argue about how much time and when he gets it because they decide. He will either feel the pressure to be more responsible for his actions and actually show up every time. OR he will feel the pressure of responsiblity and run for the hills! LOL I shouldn't laugh but I wish my ex would run for the hills. Good luck and I hope you can all find a way to make things work so every one is happy. Or at least every one is as equally miserable as the other? LOL

Everyone has provided great advice from their own personal experiences. However, as an attorney who deals in child custody/visitation issues, you need to talk to an attorney who specializes in these issues so you can get some advice about your personal situation. If you don't want your son to have contact with his father, you have rights but so does the father. This makes it complicated since the application of the appropriate law is very fact dependent on the family.

Most attorneys will do a consultation for a lower cost just to give you legal advice about your specific case and to help you decide what you could do. I really recommend that you contact a family law attorney before you do anything.

Good Luck.

Is there documented proof of the threats and the violence against you? If so, you can get the state involved by asking them to provide supervised visits. During these supervised visits, the social worker will sit in and observe (in a neutral setting or his home if it is suitable, not your home), making notes on interactions between father and child. If they feel that the fathers presence in the childs life is detrimental to the child, then that is the recommendation they will make to the court. Along with supervised visitations, the father may have to take parenting classes. If he fails to show up for visits, the worker will make numerous attempts to contact him. After a specific amount of time, if the father has not returned, the courts will automatically revoke his parental rights based on the documentations of the social workers.

I realize that people don't like to involve the state, and I understand that, but when you can involve them to your and your sons benefit.....why not? You'll have expert testimony as to the fathers danger to the well being of your child...which makes your case even stronger.

I used to work in Foster Care, transporting the children to and from visits. I also transported children of divorced parents in which there were questions of the childs safety with one parent or the other. Workers sat in and supervised, but were not involved much beyond that (except when they felt a child would benefit by a parent taking a parenting class). At the very least, check into it and find out what they can do to help you protect your child...Good luck to ya hun!! :)

Unfortunately, your ex has rights. I think that in *most* cases it IS good for a child to know their biological parents. (If you fear that your son is in danger or could be abused by him, that is a whole other story.)

I would leave the lawyers out of it for now. I would draft a document that outlines what your expectations are for your ex's involvement in your son's life. State when your ex can see your son, and where. Will it be at your house or his house? Will it be supervised or unsupervised? Overnight? How will you handle holidays? Do you expect weekly phone calls?

Perhaps you will want to mention in there that if your ex drops the ball on any of this, you will pursue having his rights terminated.

Then, go over the document with your ex. Negotiate on what you need to negotiate on, and then you both sign and date it. (If your ex doesn't want to discuss this with you, or refuses to sign the document, then pursue having his rights terminated!) Tuck this piece of paper away, and if problems come up in the future, you can remind your ex of what you agreed on, and present it to a lawyer if need be.

Signing away parental rights lasts forever, and the decision shouldn't be made in anger or out of frustration.

I haven't read the other responses, but I wanted to share with you what I was told by our attorney a couple years ago when dealing with a similar issue.
Child support and visitation have NOTHING to do with each other. He has visitation rights (in some cases unfortunately) whether or not he pays child support or is current on support.
The other thing I was told is, in Iowa, one parent can not sign away their rights without there being someone to take that place. For example before my husband and I were married my son's father wasn't able to just sign away his rights, even though he and I agreed that he should/could and he hadn't seen my son in over 5 years, because in Iowa there needs to be 2 people financially responsible for the child - even though in reality he wasn't being financially responsible, technically (and by law) he was. And that is what Iowa goes by. Since at that time I wasn't married and my then boyfriend (now husband) wasn't ready to adopt my son (and even though he and I were the ones financially responsible with me for my son) - we weren't married or living together and would we have split up he would have had to pay child support for my son).
So, unless your boyfriend is willing to adopt your son, Iowa law won't allow his father to just sign away his rights.
Oh and one more thing, we "had" to wait until we had been married for 6 months before we filed for the adoption and then it took about 6 months after that, but if we had not waited a year (or had we filed not married) DHS would have sent a social worker to check out our home and would have had to do visits with us before an adoption would have been granted.
So something else to think about. Not that that is a bad thing, but when you aren't married (or not married for at least a year - I think) DHS has to do a home visit.
If you have any questions about what we went through with the adoption process or signing away rights process, feel free to send me an email through here. I don't mind sharing my experience with others.

Hugs,
K.

Document EVERYTHING. Every conversation, every phone call, etc. If he threatens to take you to court-- let him! In the end he'll probably decide it's not worth his time, effort and money.

I could go on and on as I have a similar situation, however my ex has been taking his 2 kids on a regular basis for awhile. I do not like them to be with him, not one bit. When they are there, he is too busy for them anyways.

It took me a long time and a lot of heart-ache to come to this conclusion. When my kids grow up, they will remember what took place at Dad's. They will know that he was not really there for them. They will also remember that Mom was. It is very hard for me now, as my kids are 10 and 7. They ask a lot of questions about their Dad, like why he stays in the garage, and why he is not involved the other 2 weeks until his weekends. It is not easy as I see them hurting.

I do not feel that I have the right to say NO you can't go. They have a step-mom who is great to them as well as brothers and sisters there. Who am I to take that right away, it is important for them to know there Father. It is also important for me to support them each and everytime he lets them down.

My ex was abusive to me as well, and has never once been abusive to them. Well besides his priorites being messed up. I also do not force my children to go there. If i really felt that they were in danger, than I would not allow them to go.

The legal stuff is tough, many ppl say many different things is what I found. I wish you the best.

Koodos to you honey for taking in and accepting you child. I wish there were more men out there like that. I am grateful that I myself found one as well.

If you want any more info, feel free to contact me.

Hope this helps you some.

The father of my oldest two children has had issues with being able to be consistent in our children's lives. He is not as bad as some though, so I am glad that at least the kids feel like they know him and I know they see my husband and I as their parents.

However, legally he never went to get any sort of visitation or custody set up through the courts. We were never married, so I obviously got full physical custody. He does have child support obligations, but legally that is it. He never pursued anything else. And yes, as the biological parent, he does have some rights to see his children, but the fact is that there have been times where he has called to come and them that I have said no. He was so unstable and I was unwilling to turn everything I had going on around to make his 10 hour advance notice request happen.
If you are concerned about the safety of your child, at this point if he has never persued any sort of legal visitation, then you really don't have to let him see him. If he then threatens to bring you to court, then tell him too. I would document as much stuff as possible of dates that he says or does things. Or when he actually calls vs when he says he is going to. If he does bring you to court you can explain to the judge exactly what has been happening. State that you had always wanted him to have a relationship with your son, but have concerns for his safety. You can also point out the fact that your son is now 2 and doesn't know his father. You feel uncomfortable putting him in that situation. My honest feeling though is at this point, his bio father will not take you to court. I think it may be just a threat that he is using to get what he wants. But, if he has a hard time calling when he is suppose to, do you think he would take the time to do all he has to to get a court date?
Do what you think is best. But, be sure to protect yourself and document as much as possible. Have you ever checked to see if you qualify for legal aide? That may be something you could look into just to find our legally what you can do. They would have even more suggestions.
Good luck!
J.

He sounds like a loser and probably will be a bad influence for your son. He will probably be in and out of your son's life forever. This is going to be hard on your son. But if you try to keep them apart your son will resent you. Do whatever you can to keep things normal and consistent for you son. That way he will always have a safe place to fall back on. In the mean time get a lawyer!
Good luck!

My situation is a little bit different...my seven year old daughter's father has never actually met my daughter. When she was one year old I brought him to court to get an order for protection against him and he flat out asked the judge if that would bar him from seeing my daughter, the judge said no, but that he would have to pursue it. Then out of the blue when my daughter was about four he called me and wanted to see her...never once asking how she was, what her favorite things were, if she was healthy, etc. I told him he could take me to court if he wanted to. When my daughter was five I brought him back to court to renew the OFP because in certain situations they can be renewed without a basis...and he again asked the judge if he could see his daughter. The judge said he would have to pursue it. My daughter is now 7 and he has yet to pursue visitation on his own. One thing you should do is change your phone number...there's no law against that. I was married to my husband when my daughter was five...and today we are actually going to court so he can adopt her...I'm hoping that is what will happen to you eventually. I do have to say though - I'm not sure the courts will allow your boyfriend to adopt him if you are not married...and I don't know your situation but if you are on certain government programs the real father can't just give up rights because the court sees him as having an obligation. They want someone to have the obligation. You should definately contact an attorney about this...you should call legal aid and even if you don't qualify, you were the first one to contact them out of the two of you and once they talk to you, they can not represent him...and there goes his free attorney. Good luck! Please keep me posted!

Let him visit, keep track of everything. When he disappears again, wait a year. If he hasn't visited in that time, start termination of rights proceedings. A consecutive year of non-contact is considered abandonment, and will be weighed heavily in the termination of his parental rights.

Adoption can't happen until after the termination of rights (two separate issues), and is less likely unless you and your boyfriend get married in the mean time. Not impossible, but less likely.

I used to work for a domestic violence shelter. There was counseling services and a very small legal advocacy program. If you have a place like this near you it may be worth checking out. I'd have to agree with what I read from the other responses but I do want to add that since your son is only 2, I would think he would be scared of his dad, like a stranger. Based on this you could always say that since he doesn't know his dad they should have the first few visits with you. With any luck by the 3rd or 4th visit dad will start fading away again. I would really recommend contacting a lawyer then to get his rights rescinded if at all possible.

Along with all the other advice, make sure you consider the rights of your son. Does he have a right to know his biological father? Will he understand if his father has never been in his life? Of course your son's safety is number one. But there are emotional issues when a child's biological parent is not in their life that should also be considered.