Keeping Grandchildren

I can speak for the other side - I often ask my mom to babysit and am always afraid that I am taking advantage of hr time. I ask her to tell me if I am asking to frequently and I hope she is honest with me.

Hi E.,
You have every right to expect time to yourself. I am a grandmother also, with two daughters that have a total of five children, all under the ages of five.

I once felt guilty of telling my children that I need my space. But as of today, I do not. I kindly informed my daughters that I love them and the grandchildren too, but there are time I need my own space.

Our children will try to use us for babysitters. I feel like I have raised them, now it is time to enjoy my life. When I feel like spending time with them and they are available, I will do it. Spending time with the grandchildren should be a wonderful pleasure and feeling; not an obligation. With that mindset, I am at peace and everyone is happy. If my daughters were not happy with my choice, then they would be selfish.

You are being asked to babysit because you continually babysit, just as I did. I felt guilty too. But I later started feeling that I was being taken advantage of. It was like my kids acted as if I had no life. I love my grandchildren too, and when there is an emergency, I will babysit, but not on a regular basis. Say no and go with your friends or enjoy doing nothing, alone. You raised your children and gave up a lot things because they were yours, enjoy your retirement and your grandchildren on your terms.

I know what you mean, I have 10 grandchildren with 3 our of town. What I do is call and make arrangements to spend time with the grands myself. That way they know I want to see them since I was the one setting up the time. In the summer it's a picnic in the park or something similar. In the winter it's baking cookies or playing board games with an occassional sleep over. However I do not babysit, I told my children I did my time now they can do theirs. I don't keep them all at once, though I do try to group the ages together across the families so they get to know each other too.

At Yule I do have a "Day with Dodie" so their parents can go shopping and to lunch together. I cover the table with a plastic shower curtain, get out the paints, paper punches, glue, glitter and whatever and the all the kids spend the afternoon with me making decorations for my tree. We give prizes for the best, most colorful, most creative (everyone ends up with a prize) and then we decorate cookies for them to take home. It's one day and the mess is horrendous but in the end it's a most special memory for me and hopefully for them.

Blessings,
Kate

My mom set a time to be with the grandchildren so that we didn't overwhelm her. For example every friday night she had my brothers children and on Saturday night she would have my children. In an emergency we called mom if there was no one else available. That way EVERYONE could schedule DATE NIGHT. we could always change it if we had functions to goto. She was the love of all the grandchildren. I hope this helps

No you shouldn't feel guilty. I ask my mom to keep my girls for me on a regular basis yet i still realize that she needs time for herself. I am sure that your grands love to spend time with you and i Know that you love having them but you need to take care of yourself or grandma is going tired. You should tell your children what is going on and how you feel. Maybe they don't realize how thin you feel that you are being spread. Hope this helps.

You took good care of your children. Now it is time to take care of yourself. I am not saying that you should not have time with grandchildren but they are not your responsibility. This is the time you should be doing all those things you missed due to bringing up your own. Let your sons and daughters do their job. I am also a grandparent but I am not going to be grounded in the house by grandchildren. I need to socialize with parents my age,attend church activities to prepare my soul, take care of a declining health and above all have fun with my husband of 30years. Sounds harsh but that is how I look at it. I am sure my 3 sons and 1 daughter would be shocked to read this but anyway, the true has to be told.

Please don't feel guilty. My mother was a the type of grandmother that loved her children but felt as if we should raise them (to a certain extent smile. You probably have done a terrific job in raising your own kids now you are in advisory mode it is time for you to relax and do what you want to do. Set a specific time for all of your grand children to visit and be firm. let your children know how you feel and if they hae a problem with oh well just don't keep the kids at all and go visit them when you want to see them.

You most definitely need time for you. Plan your week and then let your children know what days you are booked for your own activities and what days you may be available for the grandchildren. This way you won't be adked to baby sit on the days you already have plans for. I am unavailable for any additional activities on Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays. If I have plans for an additional day, I make sure my children know as far in advance as possible as that has eliminated my having to say "NO" to babysitting my grandchildren. I have also been the only grandmother accessable. V.

I believe that you are not wrong to want time for yourself. What you could do is maybe set day on your calendar that you want to do things for yourself and let your children know on those days that you can not baby sit that you have an engagement with friends.Let them know that you love your grandchildren and want to have time for them but you also need to be with people your own age just be honesty with them. My mother raise her grandchildren but even she found time to do a few time for herself everyone need to take out time for themself. I am not a grandmother yet but I will not let my children make me feel that I can not have a life to. I am getting to the age that one of my children could start having kids but I will not be struck doing everything for my grandchildren and have no life of my own.

If there are things that you want to do, make plans for them, even if it is just shopping or coffee with a friend. If someone asks you to babysit, just let them know that you have plans already. I realize that grandparents generally love to spend time with their grandchildren, but it is important that you have time for other things as well. If you don't start making and keeping other plans now, you might begin to resent your children and grandchildren in the future. It is great that they trust you, but they must also understand that you have other interests as well. I don't know if an announcement of your plans is the right way to go on this. I guess that it would depend on your situation. You don't want anyone's feelings hurt, but you don't want them in a bind either. If they call you every week, then maybe you can tell them the days that you are not available for the upcoming week, whatever is best for you.

Maybe you could set some "healthy boundries" for babysitting grandchildren. Maybe you could announce something like, "As you know, I enjoy babysitting my grandchildren, but to put some structure in it, I can do one weekday a week (that YOU, the grandmother, set ahead of time - say Tuesdays for example) and one weekend evening (again, one YOU set). That allows the parent to make plans ahead of time and schedule their appointments. Then you can also make plans knowing that certain days will always be "free days" for you. You set the boundaries that you can live with. Then there can be some flexibility for emergencies, but at least you can count on some time to yourself.

I don't think you are selfish at all for wanting some time for yourself. After all, you need time away from the grandchildren just as much as your children need time away from their children. As much as you might hate to, it's really time to lay down the law and tell them that you'll watch the grandchildren, just not all the time.

My grandfather watches my aunt and uncle's three children all the time. My uncle actually had the nerve to ask him when he was planning on retiring so that he could watch the kids full time while they worked, and then they wouldn't have to pay for childcare. It really upsets me to know how much they take advantage of him.

When he finally did retire, they started dropping off the kids, many times without even asking. Even now that the kids are all in school, they expect my grandfather to watch them in the afternoons, whenever the kids are sick, etc. He even gets told, not asked, to take the kids to their doctors appointments.

My grandfather has told me that he knows they are taking advantage of him. Before, they would offer nothing in return for all of the childcare services he was providing, and for all of the extra meals he was feeding the kids because my aunt and uncle would go visit friends or go out for dinner after work, rather than picking the kids up.

Now, he finally told them that they have to help with some things that need to be done around the house, and that they can't be going out after work. My uncle does yard work and repairs to the house and the van in return for my grandfather watching the kids, so my grandfather doesn't feel like he's getting taken advantage of as much as he was before, though he still feels they are taking him for granted.

You definitely need to get your children to understand that you need time to yourself, and that it would be nice to get at least a little something in return for your watching the kids. Some extra help around the house can always be a great payment for your time.

Good luck!

I am a MiMi of only one grandduaghter. I too have had these same feelings and wonder how I will handle more grandchildren in the future. I have four children (two still at home 15 & 17) and I do have to claim time for myself on occasion I have kept my granddaughter one night a weekend since she was two weeks old, she is now seven. Since she has gotten a little older that has slowed somewhat since she spends some weekends at her dad's two hours away. I suggest you set a limit or just claim time of your own at least 1 day/night of every or every other weekend. My daughter, the mother is young and sometimes uses words that I feel she is laying the guilt trip on especially the word "want to" or "if you don't want to" - but, I have realized that it is my choice and that I do deserve time to do things I would like to do, so ocassionally I claim that time and remind her that it is not that I "don't want to - it is I choose not to at this time. Hope this helps! That is the reason they are called "GRAND" Children.

I agree with the other responses. I'm not a grandmother, but I know that my sister took advantage of my mother doing this as well. My mother lives with us now, but I still take my children with me most everywhere I go. Yes, it might be easier to leave the children somewhere else, but we had children and we are responsible to take care of them, not the grandparent. You've raised your children.

Just tell her the truth when she asks. You are busy doing such and such.....cleaning the house, going by to visit someone, etc. Or just straight out tell her, whatever works for you.

Just tell your kids that you have plans. We're very careful to try and not overburden our parents with babysitting -particularly my husband's mother who still works. Both of our parents have made it crystal clear that they want to see their grandchild as much as possible, but we also understand they have lives and commitments. Tell them you DO want to see and keep the grandkids as much as you can, but sometimes you have a conflict or something and hope they understand. They certainly should out of respect for you! If that doesn't go over too well, maybe remind them that they're REALLY lucky to have someone who they can leave the kids with for free sometimes AND who they know is completely trustworthy. Many people don't have that option -ever, and sitters for a night out usually run at least $50. Also (and I'm not saying you're old or feeble) -they need to remember that you're also not 25 or 35 anymore, and as we age, we don't have quite as much stamina as we once did. I'm 38, and my toddler wears me out! Good luck -hopefully they'll be understanding and really happy that you have a full life on your own!

Wow! Your children and grandchildren are blessed to have you nearby. So many folks live apart from their families. You have many opportunities to develop rich relationships with your grandkids which will affect them for the rest of their lives! All that aside, you need to have a good talk with your kids and set some limits. They probably don't realize how you feel. Let them know how much you want to spend time with their kids, but at the same time you still have to balance your life. By keeping up with your own social life, you will enrich theirs. Lack of communication seems to be the problem here. Hope that helps!

yes i know just how you feel. part of my grandkids live right beside me. one of my girls think that mama never gets tired or has anything else to do. and if one spends the night then the next night the other one has to stay. one worksand has to go in very early so i try to help her with getting her child to shcool and pick her up from the bus stop. but my other child thinks i do more for her sister than i do her. i keep kids so much i feel like i am raising another family. and like you i don't know what to do. i wish there was a way to cut down without having a fuss.

Try to make YOUR plans w/ your friends/church etc well in advance, then when you are asked to babysit, you can honestly, say, "no thanks, I have plans". I am sure your kids love you and will respect your plans. I am in opposite situation. My husband live 3 hours from the grandparents and we never use any babysitter! If we cannot take our kids w/ us, we don't want to go! Best of luck having the "you" time you deserve. :-)

I am a grandma too, but mine do not live close to me. However, I have thought about what I would do in your situation. What comes to mind is setting 2 days per week aside that are your days; i.e., you are not available to babysit at the last minute on those days, except in dire, unforeseen emergencies. That leaves 5 other days that you are available. I would suggest that one of the 2 days be a weekend day, the other a week day. This gives you a set place to structure your appointments, the gym, shopping, or whatever else you have to do or want to do without "company." Secondly, I would set some parameters as far as how much notice you want for babysitting duty. Many things in life can be scheduled. Having your grandchildren's Mom on notice that you are not free at the drop of a hat makes her respect your time and you more and will help her appreciate what you are providing. By adding a little structure to what you are doing you will free up time for yourself that is left uninterrupted and you have some lead time for committments for your time. Most importantly, you will still spend many hours with your grandkids, but it will more on your terms and with more planning involved. Maybe some of that time can be outings planned by you with them doing things that are meaningful to you.

Best of luck!
Astrid (I am Meredit's Mom)

I don't think you're being selfish at all! As a parent, it's certainly nice to have a "backup" babysitter, but you shouldn't be expected to be the primary care unless this was something you'd agreed upon (and it sounds like no one asked you!). Granted, both my parents and my in-laws are 400 miles away, so I don't have the option of asking them to watch my child, but because of my situation I know that other arrangements can be made. Your kids need to do the same, and as mean as it sounds, you have to be able to say no without guilt. The best way is just to have other plans (even if you don't!). I'd start by announcing things in advance-- for example, "I've started going to a new book group/ exercise class/ pottery class (or whatever) on M, W and F from 6-8 pm so I won't be available those times," or whatever time it is that you're usually hit up to babysit. That way, your children won't be expecting you to babysit and be left with no child care with no warning. But please, please don't feel guilty about saying no-- you've raised your children, you've finally retired, and you deserve some time to yourself!

You have raised your children and you deserve to enjoy your life without children when you want to. Grandchildren will always be precious and loved, but you should keep them when you want to. I can see lending a hand at times when your children need you but not all the time. You took the time to raise them I'm sure so let them do the same. My mother only baby sits when she wants to and I'm glad that she does that especially for the ones who just drop their kids off all the time to party and hang out. These kids need parenting.

Hi E.,
Congradulation, I too am retired. But I still wanted something to do part-time for me and I am very happy and making money from home the money I am making is RESIDUAL Income so I am also looking out for my grand kids financial futures. Please give me a call I would like to talk with you. You can call me at ###-###-####

J.

Dear E., It is perfecly natural for you to want to have some time for yourself. You have worked a lifetime so that you could enjoy a few years of life with no responsibilitis to any one but yourself. Your grandchildren are wonderful, I am sure, but your children have a responsibility too. One of those responsibilities is that they raise their own children and not try to make you a built in baby sitter whenever they want to go someplace.
Do you remember when you had your children and your mother didn't keep them all the time so you could just go out? Well, think about it. My mom, only kept my child for me when I had to go to school or to work. other than that, I had to take my child with me where ever I went.
Enjoy your retirement and take the grandchildren when you get ready, not when your children get ready.
Bless you H.

E.,

You are NOT being selfish. There are times that are special for you to spend with your grandchildren, however there are times that are made for you too. You deserve time for yourself. It is parent's responsibilities to watch after their children. Not yours. You already raised your children. I know you want to spend time with your grandchildren but that can be something that is taken advantage of. As a mother of four, I personally have rarely asked my Mother or anyone else to sit for my children. I take them wherever I go. If they can't go, then I don't go. I know I am getting off of the subject a bit, and I do apologize. Basically, you have a right to your time, you ahve earned it and you should be able to do what you want with that time and not feel guilty about it.

I wish you luck!
Take care!
L.

OK take a deep breath.. OK maybe 2 deep breaths... Now YOU have 2 sit down your kids & talk it out... If there are hurt feeling thats OK cause it WILL work itself out.... Grandbabies are the most precious things on earth.. You must go ahead & work it out now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have 5 grandchildren and one great grandchild with one on the way. Although I do not get asked all the time, I agree to babysit every time I am asked unless we have other plans that are not easy to change. Two of our grandchildren are teenagers and we see them very infrequently now that they have their own lives to live. I would not take anything for the babysitting we did when they were younger. We have a bond with them that would not be there had we not kept them so much in the past. They will not be little for very many years and your memories will sustain you when you get older. It is very difficult to find a person to trust with your precious children and a grandparent can be a life saver when a parent needs a break. We even travel up to 250 miles to keep our grandchildren for a week at a time so the kids can get a break. If you feel it is too much, talk to your children and ask them to keep the number of times they ask you to whatever you feel comfortable with. I am sure they will understand. They have probably not realized the burden it causes you since they have never experienced it from your perspective. Best of luck and enjoy them while they are small. They grow up too fast! Liz L

How about letting all your kids know (not just the one who may use you the most) that you are only available for babysitting two days a week. Then, once your "dance card" is filled, you can't accept any more requests. That's fair and reasonable (and more than I've ever gotten). They should appreciate that you are able and willing to any extent and then there's no saying no to particular parents when you're exhausted. Good luck, you're a good grandparent!

Growing up my mom used to just drop us off at my grandmother's house whenever she needed a break and I know we wore her out often. I try hard not to just dump my kids on my mom and in the "vast" three years I have spent as a mother, I've managed to only have her do any last minute babysitting a handful of times (mostly due to my second pregnancy).

You have a right to say no. The previous poster is right, take time for yourself now. If you don't feel you can say no and your children will understand or at least respect your wishes, just tell them you have something going on that prevents you from babysitting. Unless they live next door and will notice, they don't have to know that your "previous engagement" is a new book or laundry day!

Good luck!

-A.

I'm going to respond from the "daughter" point of view! I have several friends who's grandparents often help out-mine are very little around to help out with my 4. But, anyway, what they do is that they have one day a week that they set aside for the grandkids. They pick them up from school, take them to eat, play whatever! My friend knows that that day of the week she can schedule things on, because she can always count on her mother in law to help out on that day. Be honest! Tell her you love spending time with the kids, but maybe setting aside one day a week would assure you of having plenty of time to yourself. Good Luck!

What about starting a calendar for the upcoming month and identifying the days that you are available for babysitting? That way you schedule it and everyone knows what to expect. Then by default, you schedule your free days...

T.

I hope that the parents reading your post will come to realize how fortunate they are to have at least one grandparent they can come to for help.

I see many parents who take loving grandmas like you for granted. My parents died before my kids were born, and my former mother-in-law lives in another state. She also has health problems, and a father to take care of, that prevent her from helping out much anyway.

Don't feel guilty about setting boundaries. How often would be acceptable for you to take grandkids? Maybe you can give each of your children a schedule. Tell them you are available X times a month, and that they can split those times. Another option is for them to find reliable babysitters for routine appointments, and get you to fill in if there's an emergency.

Just let them know you love them and the grandkids, and you don't want to spread yourself so thin that you can't enjoy your time with them.

S.

My advice is to tell them the weekend before what days you will be available to sit. It can be simply - "I have plans Tuesday and Thursday this week - but I am available Monday and Wednesday. Just let me know when I can help." Each weekend let them know what days you are available. Or if they need you another day, tell them you can switch your plans but you need to know because you have to make plans too.

Hi E.,
I'm a mom right now and realize how hard it is to keep up with two toddlers. When my mother comes to visit, I'm well aware of her time and the efforts it takes to take the kids. She lets me know when she's tired or needs a break and, seriously, I don't have a second thought. I never doubt her love for my kids.
My point is.. just be honest with your children. Let them know you adore your grandkids but need some time to yourself. After all, you've raised your children and have done your time..lol. Maybe you could pencil in a day or two (whatever you like) so your kids can have an idea when you're coming and plan accordingly.
Good luck!!
Melissa

First your chilrden should be thankful you even watch your grandchildren.Our whole immediate family,including both grandmothers live near us and they will only watch mine with no fuss or hesitation if it's an emergency.Not b/c my children are bad or anything b/c mine are the most well bahaved in the family, but b/c they are just lazy and selfish.So pat yourself on the back for being someone they can get a little break from the kids with.And I don't think your being selfish at all.You raised your children already and while it's nice to watch the grandkids people usually tend to make it more frequent the more you allow them to.Your their go to babysitter and believe me,most will get rid of their kids for a few hours just to sit at home alone.I say set a few days out the week that your ONLY available to babysit.They can also come over with the kids and let you spend time with them and then go home rather than leaving them there all the time.

Uhm, no.

My mother-in-law said the same thing when she moved closer to one of her sons. It seemed that the sole purpose for grandma being closer to her son's family was for them to hit her up for her services.

And, you know what, E.? You said it so well in your e-mail. You can sit your son or daughter down and tell them exactly what you did in your e-mail. You are neither rude nor hurtful in explaining where you are at.

Good luck!

E.

My mom's in the same boat. She feels guilty when she's not available for the grandchildren.

But she's also a woman married to a wonderful man. So, she planned trips and, when the time came, let everyone know that she and her husband would not be available during the week of such-and-such. She also went back to work and has her own schedule. If she has time to pick the grandkids up from school, then so be it. If not, she opens her mouth and takes control over her own time.

This is something that mom had to learn and it took her until just recently to learn it. She's retired and wants to enjoy her retirement and has finally realized that no matter the generation, there will always be grandkids to take care of (great, great-great, etc). Time is short. Live your life and let the kids take the grandkids to a babysitter or daycare.

I'm a SAHM and my parents recently retired, I lived with them of and on while my husband is away, but I ALWAYS made sure they had no plans if I wanted them to babysit (which was not often) and I tried to make sure I was still the parent and didn't expect them to watch my children! They are currently seeing the country and jealous as I am and miss them, they deserve it! you didn't become a Grandmother by spending your life lazily, you worked too! you deserve your time just as much as they do! Just be open with your children and let them know sometimes you need your own time, your still a person, not just a Grandma! Also, we do alot of things together, so that way, there were 3 ppl to help with the kids and we all still had fun!

Set limits for baby sitting. With a smile, just say I am sorry, but I can't do it right now; however, I am available for xyz dates. Live your life! You deserve to enjoy your retirement now. I love my family.....and I love me too!

Christian Granny

I don't think you're being selfish. I am a new grandma for the first time a year ago, then another one came less than 2 months later. I too love my grands but i have decided to spend time with them on my terms because i am a working grandma & working or not we grandparents do need time for ourselves, so no, i don't think of you as being selfish. Your grandchildren will love you & will enjoy the time you do spend with them so let the decision be yours & don't let yourself be forced to keep them or you won't enjoy the stay.

JAY

Im not a grand mom but a mom with 4 kids. We live far away from any parents or relative to ask to baby sit. But I can tell you that if we did live close I would expect my parents to tell me no if it was not a good time. ALways saying yes makes it easier for them to just assume you will do it. Im sure you took good care of your kids and grand kids for a long time and its time to take care of yourself too. Its okay to say no. There are other people that can babysit too.
Kimberly